Well, imagine my glee when I found out that the wangsty Harry-Potter-in-name-only trainwreck Dark Secrets has a sequel. A sequel that, moreover, manages to do to canon what evil!Ron did to Mary Sue in the Shrieking Shack
in the motherfucking summary: - Quote :
- Sequal to Dark Secrets: Freshly graduated from Hogwarts, Harry, Hermione, Draco, and Jaiden were all rooming together. Everything was going great until...‘Guess Who' Appeared...
Yes, evil!Ron is back from the dead. Why is he back from the dead? Well, after a long rambling conversation between Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy:
- Quote :
- "My Lord" Lucius said as he gazed around the room, "You wanted to see me?"
"Yes I did," Voldemort said walking over to him.
"About what My Lord?"
"Your son..." Voldemort said, then began to pace.
"My son?" Lucius asked confused.
"Yes your son..." He repeated.
"What about Draco My Lord?"
"I have a slight concern with him,"
Ad nauseam for most of the chapter...
- Quote :
- "Hades... father of the underworld, greatest of the Greek Gods, I call upon you to release a young spirit taken from this earth so violently... I... offer you this blood sacrifice..." He paused, in his right hand a dagger appeared, turning slightly he shoved the dagger into Wormtail’s abdomen, releasing the dagger, he threw Wormtail into the fired, his shrieks of pain followed echoing off the stone walls, they quickly diminished "In return for thy spirit of Ronald Weasley..."
Voldemort invokes the Greek god Hades to resurrect evil!Ron. This is going to be good, I just know it.
No explanation, of course, as to why evil!Ron has to come back from the dead to do the deed when Voldemort has who knows how many Death Eaters at his command, but whatever.
- Quote :
- Jaiden woke to the screaming of Sirius’s Mother’s Painting, her head pounded even more no thanks to her.
Meet Jaiden Spencer, our resident Mary Sue, fresh from her appearance in Dark Secrets. She's 5'2" with sapphire blue eyes, the ability to make Voldemort forget how to perform Avada Kedavra when she's standing in front of him and he has a dark secret he wants her never to reveal, a strong talent for witchcraft despite not having cast a single spell in Dark Secrets, and she's shagging Draco Malfoy. Who's now a good guy. Of course.
- Quote :
- "Oh well… I love you anyways,"
"I know," She kissed him and the both apparated to the Ministry of Magic.
This is already more magic than she performed in the entirety of Dark Secrets.
- Quote :
- "Your last assignment, you let TWO DEATH EATERS GET AWAY!"
"But that wasn’t our fault," Jaiden tried to explain.
"I don’t care that was your job, and you two failed at it,"
"But sir—"
"No excuses, until further notice both of you are on desk duty,"
Either this is a set-up to the oldest police procedural cliché in the book (officer gets desked but manages to catch the criminal of the week anyway) or it's just their boss's turn to hold the conflict ball.
- Quote :
- "Yes I know that, but it was ten to one," Jaiden said.
"I don’t care, until further notice, both of you are on desk duty, now get you asses out of my office and get started,"
Yeah, I'm going with conflict ball. Also, redundant redundancy is redundant. Also also, you only end dialogue with a comma if it follows onto a sentence. As in:
- Hypothetical wrote:
- "This fic sucks," said szaleniec.
- Quote :
- "Jeeze what did you two do to get him that angry?" Harry asked.
This fic seems to suffer more than its predecessor from a bad case of what the Turkey City Lexicon calls "Brenda Starr dialogue". We get what people are saying but not what's actually going on around them, and that leads to situations like this where Harry seems to appear out of thin air.
Seeing Harry reminds me that this is a post-Hogwarts fic and yet both Harry and Voldemort are still knocking around. That it was written before DH is no excuse, because we knew that the series was going to end with one or both of Harry and Voldemort dying:
- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix wrote:
- ... and either must die at the hands of the other for neither can live while the other survives ...
- Quote :
- "So how’s life with Harry?" Jaiden asked her.
"Great… although I feel bad for Ginny," She responded.
"Why?"
"Well they we’re such as cute couple, until she stuck up for Ron, not believing him or us…"
"Yeah that’s true…" Jaiden said.
I have to admit that as ways of getting Ginny out of the way to facilitate a bit of Harmonian action, this actually makes sense within the context of the fic. Unfortunately, making sense within the context of Ron turning into the most evil of the Death Eaters isn't saying very much.
- Quote :
- "Nope I got it," Jaiden said, standing and with her wand gathered up the dishes
Waving them into the kitchen, she put then into the sink, with another wave they started to wash themselves.
I wonder how long it'll be until the writer once again forgets the existence of magic.
- Quote :
- Turning she went to rejoin the others... suddenly the room plummeted to freezing cold. She could see her breath, turning in a circle her eyes landed on the window above the sink...
A Dementor appeared and ate Jaiden-Sue's soul. Canon reasserted itself. The End.
Unfortunately not. Jaiden realises that evil!Ron's back, and then she gets a vision of Voldemort that's been copy and pasted from chapter 1. Why she's getting these visions instead of Harry, the guy who has a Voldemort soul fragment in his head, is unexplained. Except, of course, by the fact that Jaiden is a Mary Sue.
- Quote :
- Voldemort suddenly turned and face her, staring directly into here eyes. Jaiden was frozen in place… she saw him walked over to her and circle around behind her, she felt his breath in her ear as he whispered...
"So nice of you and your child to join us..."
The Sues are breeding! Set condition one! This is not a drill!
- Quote :
- "Yes it was he’s not back," Draco said to her placing his hands on her cheeks, "Your burning up, maybe you should see a doctor,"
Jaiden hesitated for a moment, 'It wasn’t just a dream… was it?' She thought, but she remembered what Voldemort whispered to her… was she with child?
Looking back up at Draco she kissed him, and then she nodded slightly.
"Good, I’ll owl or floo St. Mungo's to get you an appointment,"
Had this been Dark Secrets he'd probably have phoned them. I guess any progress is better than none.
Then it turns out that Hermione still has feelings for Ron. Considering that she never had feelings for Ron in the Dark Secrets universe because he was too busy getting his wand serviced by Jaiden-Sue (and as noted in the Dark Secrets sporking, she had no problem at all with that) this comes completely out of the blue. I guess Jaiden's boss handed her the conflict ball at some point.
- Quote :
- "I still have feelings for Ron," She told him quietly.
"Whoa you mean you still have feelings for that traitor"
"Maybe..."
"Maybe my ass you do... how could you after what he did to me, to Draco, and to Jaiden?"
"Well I don’t blame him, she was cheating on him with Draco
Which was after he turned into a complete maniac.
- Quote :
- "He was a Death Eater!" Harry yelled at her, "How can you still like him for that huh?"
"Maybe being a Death Eater isn’t so bad..." Hermione said.
she wouldn't, would she...
- Quote :
- "What exactly are you trying to say?" Harry asked.
"What do you think I’m saying?"
"Are you telling me that you want to join Voldemort?"
"So what if I am?" Hermione said to him.
... dear God no...
- Quote :
- "I can’t believe you," Harry shouted at her, "I can’t F-cking believe you,"
"Got a problem with that Harry?" Hermione sneered at him
Harry just stared at her, her whole attitude had changed, it was like someone pulled a dark shadow over her.
"How could you?" Harry asked her.
"It was very easy actually," She told him, then the next second she disapperated.
Hermione has become a Death Eater.
There are no words.
- Quote :
- Harry stomped into the room and slammed the door; sitting on the bed he held his head in his hands.
"B-tch,"
"Wow, that was amazing," Draco, said rolling off of her.
"I know," Jaiden told him smiling.
Yes, this is how she formatted the start of chapter 5. It looks like Harry and Hermione were having their argument whilst Draco and Jaiden were shagging in the same room.
The chapter continues with Harry telling Draco that Hermione had become a Death Eater, pretty much reiterating the conversation from the previous chapter. Not for Jaiden Lee Malfoy is the simple device of writing "Harry told Draco what had happened with Hermione" and then describing Draco's reaction; she virtually copies and pastes it.
Jaiden also finds out she's pregnant, setting up a sequel in which a second-generation Sue arrives at Hogwarts and everyone in the wizarding world drops dead because they aren't worthy of her sparkliness. But this was no great surprise.
- Quote :
- She watched the trees sway in the wind. She was entranced that she hardly noticed as the room suddenly plummeted dramatically.
The floor had given way and she fell to her death. The End.
So the malevolent spirit of evil!Ron possesses Harry and uses him to re-enact some of his finest moments from Dark Secrets, but doesn't get very far before Draco lamps him. Harry has no idea what's just happened, offers to buy a gift for the baby to make amends (so he wouldn't have anyway?), more redundant dialogue then this:
- Quote :
- Author's Note: I have a horrible case of writer’s block, I have no idea where I'm going to take the plot. So please if you have ANY idea's at all. Please please email me I really need your input....
Don't hold your breath. If you can't figure out what to do with the insane hash you've made of Harry Potter canon, I doubt anyone else can.
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