Calvin and Hobbes VS the evil Christian S&M survivialists from Hell?

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^ Why do I do this to myself?

Tiger Chronicals: Catch 22 Syndrome
is a fucking bizarre, utterly charm-free Calvin & Hobbes fic,
crammed full of purple prose, in which we get to see the author's
authority issues on display. I'm gonna go a little light on the snark
here, because this speaks for itself.

I mean, look at this:

“There
is a disturbing mentality among today’s youth, parents, and educators
that a lack of wrongdoing, through inaction or action, means a youth
should not be subject to punishment and judgment. When the sting of the
slap, belt, and humiliation rituals used to break rebellious spirits
are spared merely because a youth has done no wrong yet, the seed of
evil festers. It teaches active avoidance of authority- which could
very easily be the worst sin of them all.”

“Children must be
taught that there is to be no escape from pain, physical or emotional,
and to embrace the slap, the jab, the put downs as we once so embraced
the outdated hug and coddling of yesteryear. The message that must be
sent is not ‘Obey or be punished’ but ‘OBEY. OBEY. OBEY.’ If this need
be punctuated with blows, so be it. Our duty is not to create an
environment of love- it is to create one of unquestioned obedience.”

Rod and Whip Research Log No. 1

That's how it begins. It gets worse.

Summer.
The season where the sun decided to bathe the land in searing rays,
turning sidewalks into griddles, metal slides into barbeques, and
making one reconsider if the day was best spent outside.

Water
had it’s say in winter when all was frozen in ice. Earth spoke in
spring in tones of flowers and new life emerging from a long white
sleep. Wind roared in the fall with blustering storms and winds,
ushering in the cold rains that would turn to ice soon.

Now Fire
had its say. Water got in a word edge-wise with storms that prevented
drought if the locals where lucky, but the star of the hour was the
burning sphere of heat that shone down with unrelenting passion.

But all was not malevolent, for even as the rays blistered, there was an upside.

My, it takes you a long time to type "it was summertime."

So,
it is summertime, and Calvin is 13. It's the last day of school. If
Calvin's grades haven't improved, then he's getting sent to "some
educational camp."

Also, Hobbes is most definitely a real magic tiger, because:

Scars on his body testified to this.

Apparently, Hobbes occasionally mauls Calvin. And his parents don't notice the MASSIVE TIGER CLAW SCARS.

And then, suddenly, we're in for a HEADTRIP.

Today was a day fit for a God, the man in the army fatigues decided.

Today a youth would be JUDGED.

PUNISHED.

A
SENTENCE would be meted out, hundredfold penance for his crime. For
this man was a JUDGE and a PROPHET and to these… miserably spoiled
youths, he was a GOD.

He, Matthew, had watched him like an
officer watches a petty thief about to steal. The boy was weak. His
parents had laid down the law- shape up or be shipped out.

POINTLESS.

The
boy had been a failure, was a failure, would be a failure until he was
slain and born anew under HOLY teachings. Teachings in which lessons
were administered with blows, with words that shattered the soul and
all its rebellion.

JUSTICE.

He would handcuff the youth.
He would tear him screaming from his parents to be whisked to a place
of RETRIBUTION for his ignorance and sloth. He would do so in front of
his SINFUL, LYING peers who had surely CHEATED their way to better
grades.

The parents had said they would call him when and if the time was right. NO NEED.

He KNEW when the time was right. For he was GOD’S HOLY HAND.

The hand that would BREAK this boy.

Gee,
I think he's the bad guy. Hey, remember the time when they brought to
life those snow goons? That sure was a hoot. I wish I was reading that
right now.

However, in an extremely melodramatic scene, we learn that Calvin made all B's on his report card. Everyone is happy!

Somehow, the conversation turns to this:

Ah,
yes. The school shootings. Bunch of cliques pick on kid. Kid tries to
seek school’s help. School ignores. More torment. Kid snaps, kills
people. Wackos in suits blame video games and ignore the months of
degradation and abuse. Rinse, lather, repeat-

. . . and then the above crazy person comes charging in to collect Calvin.

“We told you we’d call YOU. And he’s passed. Your services will not be needed.”

…what?

No, this was a mistake. He did NOT lose a chance to judge and punish. Particularly not to this brat.

(Just for that, brat, you’re getting broken ribs right off the bat when I get you out of here.

Remember
that Spaceman Spiff color comic from the Sunday funnies collection?
With the watercolors? Susie was a booger monster? I used to read that
one forever.

Anyway, Calvin smarts off to the psychopath, coming
across more as a know-it-all punk (or Ken the Jedi Prince) than any
sort of protagonist.

One that a good hard punch would wipe off his face, lawsuit be damned- his hand whipped out to break the punk’s jaw-

PAIN.

The
little bastard had dodged, and now his hand was lodged in the back of a
metal folding chair, bleeding as shards of metal gashed him.

Whatthefuckin'hell?

The principal calls in the cops, who happen to be standing by, because . . . .

The
principal spoke. “Now, normally I don’t take this sort of precaution-
having two officers of the law stand by in case someone like you gets
out of hand, but after doing a bit of research on your particular
branch of youth correction- ‘Rod and Whip’ re-education center,
correct? Blunt advertising, that- You have quite a reputation for
injuring your charges… a few lawsuits against you that never made it to
court for reasons such as “Plaintiff failed to show”, last minute
droppings of the suits. I don’t consider myself paranoid, sir, but that
raises a few alarm bells, and I really don’t want to make this- my
school- a shopping market for persons of- as you have proven by your
own actions- a dubious nature, where they can simply come and arrest
children who they deem menaces to society.”

Apparently, the Principal knew all about this crazy person, who's carrying mace, a tazer, and a fucking pistol into a middle school,
but didn't warn the parents. I guess, if Calvin had failed, then the
principal would have just let this psycho beat the shit out of him.

Calvin goes home, and is comforted by Hobbes. The psycho gets off on $200 bail somehow, and goes gunning for Calvin.

What the hell did I just read, people?

You have just read poorly done satire. The scene with the principal explains what he was going for when he was talking about the paper he'd written for English. Obvious plot device to boot.

Quote :

Assigned to write about
current events, he had chosen to write on the number of “Youth
Correctional Facilities”- places that whisked away children who,
for reasons often of violence or incorrigibility, had gone too far
for their parents.A great idea in theory-
scare/wring the rebellion out. Kid grows up better for it. Problem
solved.Unfortunately, he’d
found, there were cases where the kid often went nuts due to abuse in
such camps- or died outright. In the paper, he’d combined facts
scrounged together- along with a dose of his personal vitriol- to
arrive at the conclusion that such resorts may ‘fix’ the problem
temporarily, only to inflict long lasting bitterness, injury,
psychosis, and even death in some more extreme cases.Calvin looked it over,
the shaking of his hands subsiding.(Snap out of it, you
fool. There’s no hellhole waiting for you now.)“Meh. I thought if I
got sent off and died, then eventually someone would see this and pay
attention to it.”He paused.“That and my English
teacher torpedoed my original idea of arguing for mandatory ninjutsu
classes in place of gym.”

And then the obligatory humor. I think he needs to look at satire and find out what makes it satire. Humor. Throughout the piece. I think he must have been absent from class that day or something when they assigned the piece.

The thing that is really bothering me about this fic is the reasons behind the drill sergeant's behavior is put in parenthesis instead of letting it be evident through the writing. That's just weak form.

Quote :

“So- punish someone
unfairly to teach them life is unfair, thus undermining law and rules
as a means to prevent disorder, perverting them into a tool for thugs
like yourself to hit people and say “because I said so”. Make
everyone accountable for what they might have and might have not
done. Bravo, sir- truly you will be the one to usher in a utopia for
child molesters and wife beaters.” The boy spoke again. Unfazed.There was no fear in
those eyes. Only a vague sense of justification and confidence. A
calm look.One that a good hard
punch would wipe off his face, lawsuit be damned- his hand whipped
out to break the punk’s jaw-PAIN.The little bastard had
dodged, and now his hand was lodged in the back of a metal folding
chair, bleeding as shards of metal gashed him.For four painful
seconds he suffered as he extracted his bleeding, broken right hand,
yanked out the single shard of metal still embedding in his middle
finger, turned to hit the kid with his good left hand-Oh.Cops. Two of them- with
drawn pistols.

I'm sorry... but if this guy makes a habit out of punishing children like a fucking psycho, he wouldn't break his hand on a metal chair. I also doubt he could put his hand through it. Also... I know the guy here is going for shock value and all that, but really? Those guys in the "bad kid" camps are not, by law, allowed to do the things this man is doing. Did the author, and I use that term loosely, even research what the camps are supposed to be about? It's like basic training, not a rogue prison.

Quote :

“You know… here I
thought you were exaggerating when you wrote how the people in charge
of those kinds of places have power issues…”Calvin shrugged,
lowered his head as he prepared to head out with his parents.“So did I.”

This is where we insert the dramatic music, I suppose. Show the worst case scenario and win people over to your side with scare tactics. It's been a winning tactic since the Dark Ages!

Man... I'm gonna leave the commentary and try and finish reading this. Wow.

But you know... um. I don't remember Hobbes being sharp fanged and all super tigery. He was lean and lanky and kinda like Carmichael the cat. That... that ruins a little bit of my childhood right there.

Solitia wrote:

Also... I know the guy here is going for shock value and all that, but really? Those guys in the "bad kid" camps are not, by law, allowed to do the things this man is doing. Did the author, and I use that term loosely, even research what the camps are supposed to be about? It's like basic training, not a rogue prison.

Not supposed to, but unfortunately, often they do. I'd text-link these articles, but then they'd end up atthe beginning of the paragragh which just looks stupid.

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I think those are enough for now.

There are only TWO m-rated Calvin and Hobbes fics on ff.net