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 Evil Twin from another angle

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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Evil Twin from another angle   Sat Apr 19, 2014 5:09 pm

I wrote another Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic...

My Time Of Dying

See, people do Evil Twin fanfics where the evil twin ain't so evil, and I'm fine with that, but I thought, how about trying it from another angle?

See, the Evil Twin universe in Archie Sonic had just reversed good for evil and that's good and all, but not everybody is shiny hero or dark villain. What about anti-heroes? And do good deeds in the good universe turn out to be bad?

The story involves depression, attempted suicide and some mid-range slashyness.

I'd like to continue the story but I'm not quite sure how... And I'd like some feedback, eh?
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Penguin
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PostSubject: Re: Evil Twin from another angle   Sat Apr 19, 2014 6:57 pm

Worthless from the first paragraph.
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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Re: Evil Twin from another angle   Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:16 pm

That's not called feedback. Listen, Penny, I know everybody here hates everybody else, but you don't need to be assholes at the same time, y'know?
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TheHedonist
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PostSubject: Re: Evil Twin from another angle   Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:11 pm

Penguin wrote:
Worthless from the first paragraph.
Worthless from the part where she doesn't trust her audience or her own writing or both enough to let us figure out who is narrating.
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Eeveegou
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PostSubject: Re: Evil Twin from another angle   Sun Apr 20, 2014 1:09 am

It's best read with a narration style similar to The Catcher in the Rye. Haha! Sorry, I couldn't stop imagining it. Sentence structure is fine, especially for first person narration. The minimal convention errors do not distract me at least.

What may help keep your reader stay locked in is to avoid listing. So, to put what was said earlier constructively, there is a lot of "telling; not showing." There were a lot of short paragraphs designed to compare and contrast and/or talk about how Scourge doesn't like being the evil version. That loses your reader after a while. Try getting into the character (If you can, that is. Side characters in the Archie-verse can be a little on the shallow side) and draw out personality/exposition through imagery rather than "telling" dialogue. If this is not possible given the canon, modify slightly to create a narrator an audience will care about.
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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Re: Evil Twin from another angle   Sun Apr 20, 2014 6:31 am

Ah, now THAT is a little more useful. Cus I use that style a lot and now I can use your multiple advices in the future when I do that sort of thing again. ( guess in First Person it's a little tougher to NOT 'Tell'.

* thinks hard*

So you're saying instead of just telling how Scourge's life is (which admittedly was deduced from one panel in one comic), I should intersperse a lot more with how he feels about it?

Hedonist also has a point; if I don't trust myself or my writing enough for that - I'M NOT DOING IT RIGHT. I can alter that real easy.
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