Shit Was So Rorscash

(Credit for the thread title goes to Psy-4.)
(Inky’s little Disclaimer: I will be purposefully
misspelling his name throughout. Just… before anyone tries to correct me =D.)


Ladies and gentleman, I give you – Love
For Rorscash, a touching Watchmen
fanfic about a girl named Ashleigh and her love for some crazy-ass punk named
Rorscash.




It touched my funny bone.


So here it is, for you, wonderful WGW.

Quote :

Story is about a woman who was always in Rorscash's
life: Ashleigh. Will she stop him from making a mistake?

Oh, I get it. This “Ashleigh” is what he named his blow-up
doll. He doesn’t have sex with it, he just beats it up and pretends it’s his
mother and any other women in his life. Oh, Rorschach, what I do to your
character for laughs.

Quote :

Ashleigh was in love, that she couldn't deny. Ever
since he rescused her, she had grown closer to Rorscash, the man that held many
mysteries but was the one for her.

Rorscash, put those mysteries down right now, young man! You
don’t know where those nasty things have been!

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He even showed her his face from his unusual mask,
that very night they kissed and made love under the stars.

Wat

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But now that he was off on a misson with Nite Owl to
stop a powerful secret

He fought the powerful secret with his mystery collection.
Everyone knows mysteries hate powerful secrets, those jerks.

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When they first met, it was by chance as she was
nearly attacked by a drunken ass wipe

Oh, those are the worst. Hobos discarding their used toilet
paper on the streets, and then they just get stuck to your shoe, and – yeah.

Quote :

Her screams and cries were blocked out by the
constant traffic,

that was running her over.

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The shadow came out from the darkness to reveal a
masked man, a hat on his head and wearing a drenched overcoat. "You!
Rorscash? I ain't afraid of you, masked scum!"

“I ain’t afraid o’ you! You’re just that cheap Rorschach
imitator!”

Quote :

. "You basturd! You will get your just desserts
soon. One day, you will!"

Rorscash prefers cheesecake, just fyi.


Also, I have to do this –


Hey, WGW, whaddaya find at the bottom of a bass lake?


Bass turds. HAHA GEDDIT? ‘CAUSE HE MISSPELLED BASTARD? HAHA,
YEAH.

Quote :

Ashleigh was amazed and afraid of this masked
stranger, she knew of the Watchmen but never had thoughts about them.

In fact, Ashleigh never had thoughts about lots of things.
Like quantum mechanics. Grammar. Politics. Lots of things.

Quote :

"Are you alright?" He asked, coming
towards her. She shifted away, her eyes never leaving his face. "Please,
don't hurt me! I'm inoncent, I swear!" She cried, letting the flowing
tears fall down her cheeks.

“Must be feeling guilty,” the Real Rorschach declared, and
when he attempted to punch her to teach her a lesson, Rorscash kicked him out
of the fanfic.

Quote :

"You're postive that you won't hurt me?"
She asked again.

Look at him wrong, and he might kick your ass, but for right
now, yeah, sure, we’ll go with ‘positive.’

Quote :

Rorscash nodded his head, then Ashleigh took his
hand and lifted up only to land in his arms. They looked at each other like
lovers to be, moments passed as they felt feelings that not once they have felt
before in their lives.

You’re kidding me! Rorscash has never felt nausea before?
Well, I guess there’s a first time for everything.

Quote :

"Come on, let's head to my place to get you
cleaned up." Wrapping her arm around his, the pair walked down the wet
streets of New York not noticing the real world only in a state of comfort and
care.

Yeah, let’s head to Rorscash’s hovel, where I am sure mold
is growing in his bathtub from disuse, and get you cleaned up, miss.

Quote :

He felt at peace whenever she was around, no longer
feeling angry or bitter to write in his journal. It was now written like a love
sick man, descirbing her amazing eyes and her long hair that tickled his skin
when she had it down.

I imagine the following to be a lovesick Rorscash and/or
Rorschach.


Dear Diary,


Met woman named Ashleigh – hands itching to rip her throat
out. Voice sounds like cries of filthy whores in the gutters, fucking for
booze. Hair is like rope with which I want to hang her. One night she will
strangle me with hair. Pink nail polish like my mother’s. Lipstick red like the
blood of my enemies running through rotting streets and settling in cracks
around her dirty mouth. Smells like flowers I want to burn.


Might marry her.


Cuddles,


Rorscash

Quote :

Ashleigh couldn't help her growing feelings for
Rorscash, his voice was less raspy and was a proper gentleman like the olden
times.

“Let me get door for you, communist whore.”

Quote :

She knew that she had to know the real Rorscash
before letting her feelings overtake her so she planned a night under the
stars, a true romantic setting.

Romantic for Rorscash is beating up rapists while humming a
merry tune. I don’t think you quite understand what you’re getting into, Miss Ashleigh.

Quote :

"What is it?" He asked, placing his glass
down. "Rorscash, I want to thank you for everything you have done for me
the last couple of days. I know we have grown close and have spoken about my
life, no parents and stayed in a ophange until I was eighteen where I went to
discover the world and came back here to do my dream job of being a journalist
though I haven't found any good enough jobs for it at the moment. I want to
know about your life and what's underneath the mask."

“I know we’ve already talked about my life, which I will
relate to you in this appositive phrase, dearest, darlingest Rorsy-worsy-poo.”

Quote :

Rorscash felt tenison rippling in his body,

He really, really had to go to the bathroom.

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"Ashleigh, what I am about to say and do may
frighten you forever. I don't want to lose you, not now not ever. I'm in love
with you and if you want to leave right now before we do anything, then go ahead."

“No, Rorsy-worsy-poo, I love you forever!”


“You sure?”


“I could never leave you!”


“No, really. Leave.”


“Do not despair, for I will always be by your side!”


“Goddammit.”

Quote :

His tale of despair, horror, sadness, violence and
then happiness lasted for a good two hours, Ashleigh was indeed shocked of his
actions but forgave them in her heart. He spoke so passionatly like his own
beating heart was torn out of his insides

But actually, she was mistaken, for that was her
beating heart which he had ripped out. Oopsies.

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"Rorscash," She said as he finished, her
hand touching his mask. "I forgive you for everything, now take off your
mask."

“Huh?”


“Cool story, bro. Now take off your mask.”


“Just told you heartbreaking story – that all you can think
about?”


“JUST TAKE IT OFF.”

Quote :

He lowered her hand, then he slowly rolled it off to
reveal a face that was neither handsome or ugly.

No, Ashleigh. No. He is, in canon, FASCINATINGLY UGLY.


FASCINATINGLY UGLY.


UGLY

Quote :

When they broke away, Ashleigh pointed at a blanket
that was laid out for the both of them. He nodded at her suggestion, then she
led him to lay down and made everlasting love until the breaking dawn.

Hey, that’s not everlasting! You tricked me!

Quote :

When Ashleigh awoke, she was alone with no Rorscash
in sight.

Good ol’ Rorscash. Wine and dine. Lay ‘em and leave ‘em.
Fuck and run. Yep, that’s the Rorscash I know.

Quote :

hen her eyes fell on a note hand written on the table, she rushed
towards it and read the following words:

Ashleigh, I'm sorry to leave you. Nite Owl and I have found a horrifying
secret hideout I was talking to you about, we are on our way to destory it.
It's very dangerous and I may not return, please know that I will love you
forever and thank you for last night. You have brought out feelings that I
haven't felt before, I'm so proud that you understand everything about me and
how we made love was like we were flying to heaven in each other's arms. Please
don't mourn my death forever, just remember the memoies we shared together. I
love you now and forever. Rorscash.

Ashleigh cuddled the note to her
chest. It still smelled like him – blood, steaming sewers after dark, and
unwashed socks. Heavenly.

Quote :

then her eyes fell
on a tall man that had a mask over his eyes but there was no sign of Rorscash.
"Are you Ashleigh?" He asked in his deep American accent. "Yes,
are you Nite Owl?" She replied, folding her arms while walking towards
him. "Yes, you must come with me. Rorscash is in trouble and needs your
help, I don't know how long we got left."

Nite Owl, with a grimace, killed this Mary Sue poisoning Rorscash and
restored his name to its correct spelling.

“This is the fifth one this week!” he exclaimed, sweat dripping underneath
his mask.

Quote :

As they entered inside, Ashleigh gasped. All around the room were
filled with candles, romantic music playing softly and Rorscash dressed in a
tux without his mask.

I just. I just.

I laughed. Okay? I just laughed. Really hard. It started as this funny
little tickle in my nose, like a sneeze, and I just started laughing so hard I
almost cried. God, just… picture that. Right now. Don’t tell me you’re not a
little amused by this.

Quote :

"Ashleigh, come to me." He comanded her. She looked at
him, letting her body move without a moment's hesitation. When she was face to
face with him, he knelt down on one knee and pulled out a small box that had a
nine carct gold engagement ring. "I know we have known each other for only
a couple of days but I can't deny what we feel. Ashleigh, will you marry me?"

Ashleigh will look up and say, “I want to marry you.”

And I’ll whisper, “No.”

Quote :

Silk Specktre and Nite Owl cheered as Ashleigh and Rorscash kissed,
it was a emotional moment that would last forever. As they pulled away, they
held onto each other and walked with the other couple to admire the beautfiul
house they were now going to live in for good.

Awww, how –

BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAUGH

Hack, wheeze. Sorry, I was vomiting.

Best Rorschach fic ever?!!?!?!? DISCUSS.

InkWeaver wrote:

Quote :

Rorscash felt tenison rippling in his body,

He really, really had to go to the bathroom.

Okay, it's obvious the Suethor meant tension, but I can't help reading that as Tennyson.

Quote :

As they entered inside, Ashleigh gasped. All around the room were
filled with candles, romantic music playing softly and Rorscash dressed in a
tux without his mask.

This clinched it. This is the greatest worst thing I've read in a long time. Rorscash is my new favorite unintentionally original character. He's like Rorschach's John Freeman. He's become his own tux wearing basturd of a character.

Rorschach Sues? RORSCHACH SUES?! Sweet Baby Jesus on a trike!

Though I did share your hysterical laughter at the idea of Rorschach without his mask in a tuxedo. It's like the concept of putting Voldemort in a pink tutu and having him dance the lead in 'Swan Lake.' It could only exist in the mind of an obsessed fangirl.

So apparently they managed to go to Antarctica, deal wit the whole climax of the book, and come back again in four hours. Huh.

Quote :

He nodded at her suggestion, then she
led him to lay down and made everlasting love until the breaking dawn.

On top of a molding, squalid pile of right-wing propaganda. :lolinsane: ROMANCE :lolinsane:

Ew.

Seeing the Watchman movie was worth it just to have a little comprehension of how OOC this is. I really doubt book!Rorschach is any cuddlier. "Rorscash" isn't just OOC, he's like Rorschach's complete opposite. The real Rorschach would kill this guy for not only impersonating him, but doing a piss-poor job at it.

Why do badfic writers insist on taking violent, unattractive characters and turning them into charming, handsome lovers?

DeeDee wrote:

Why do badfic writers insist on taking violent, unattractive characters and turning them into charming, handsome lovers?

Because he can be magically changed by the Power of Twu Wuv! Didn't you know? "Beauty and the Beast" was a documentary.

You know, the idea of a Rorschach redemption fic would be fascinating if done in a believable manner... but... not like this.

Just because of the level of cliche here I'm tempted to call troll, but I'm not certain.

I'm glad this story isn't actually about Rorschach, but rather this Rorscash chap. Who sounds like a bit of a twat.

ZoZo wrote:

I'm glad this story isn't actually about Rorschach, but rather this Rorscash chap. Who sounds like a bit of a twat.

Only a bit of one? I think perhaps you have been here too long.

Perhaps Rorscash is collagé educated.

EnvySkort did a pretty good illustration of this type of story.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
I think someone else did a pic like this with Snape. Someone needs to do this for Freddy and/or Jason.

Melissa wrote:

EnvySkort did a pretty good illustration of this type of story.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
I think someone else did a pic like this with Snape. Someone needs to do this for Freddy and/or Jason.

Did you know snorting Pepsi up your nose is really painful?

The 'romantic' one is actually funnier than hell. Especially the way his hat's tilted and the rose in his teeth.

OMG Ink, this is a great find!

And yes, there are Rorschach Sues out there. A TON of them. It's... eeech. Although, this is by far the worst example out there, and there are some really horrible ones. Great find. :D

Rabid Badger wrote:

Melissa wrote:

EnvySkort did a pretty good illustration of this type of story.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
I think someone else did a pic like this with Snape. Someone needs to do this for Freddy and/or Jason.

Did you know snorting Pepsi up your nose is really painful?

Yes. I did the same thing the first time I saw South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut. You know that scene where Saddam takes out the fake dong?

InkWeaver wrote:

Dear Diary,


Met woman named Ashleigh – hands itching to rip her throat
out. Voice sounds like cries of filthy whores in the gutters, fucking for
booze. Hair is like rope with which I want to hang her. One night she will
strangle me with hair. Pink nail polish like my mother’s. Lipstick red like the
blood of my enemies running through rotting streets and settling in cracks
around her dirty mouth. Smells like flowers I want to burn.


Might marry her.


Cuddles,


Rorscash

Inky, did I ever tell you I love you?

Bloofy, did I ever tell you that I reciprocate?

(Also, I was pretty much waiting for someone to comment on that, since I worked the hardest on coming up with it; therefore, you are my one true love.)

InkWeaver wrote:

Bloofy, did I ever tell you that I reciprocate?

(Also, I was pretty much waiting for someone to comment on that, since I worked the hardest on coming up with it; therefore, you are my one true love.)

It really was funny as hell. I need to find a forum I can sig that in.

Melissa wrote:

EnvySkort did a pretty good illustration of this type of story.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
I think someone else did a pic like this with Snape. Someone needs to do this for Freddy and/or Jason.

By Zorn
By Arabel

Also, THIS. It's strange how she doesn't end in a world of pain, tho.

Mary Sue: "Let me hug you, Rorschach-chan?"
Rorschach: "Hurm."
Mary Sue: "See? Trust me, everything is going to be alr..." *sound of broken neck*

Quote :

Dear Diary,


Met woman named Ashleigh – hands itching to rip her throat
out. Voice sounds like cries of filthy whores in the gutters, fucking for
booze. Hair is like rope with which I want to hang her. One night she will
strangle me with hair. Pink nail polish like my mother’s. Lipstick red like the
blood of my enemies running through rotting streets and settling in cracks
around her dirty mouth. Smells like flowers I want to burn.


Might marry her.


Cuddles,


Rorscash

One word: Brilliant!

InkWeaver wrote:

Bloofy, did I ever tell you that I reciprocate?

InkWeaver wrote:

(Also, I was pretty much waiting for someone to comment on that, since I worked the hardest on coming up with it; therefore, you are my one true love.)

Love you Inky.

Quote :

EnvySkort did a pretty good illustration of this type of story.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
I think someone else did a pic like this with Snape. Someone needs to do this for Freddy and/or Jason.

I've seen this, but it's still funny. Ah fangirls.

The Unoriginal wrote:

Melissa wrote:

EnvySkort did a pretty good illustration of this type of story.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
I think someone else did a pic like this with Snape. Someone needs to do this for Freddy and/or Jason.

By Zorn
By Arabel

Also, THIS. It's strange how she doesn't end in a world of pain, tho.

Mary Sue: "Let me hug you, Rorschach-chan?"
Rorschach: "Hurm."
Mary Sue: "See? Trust me, everything is going to be alr..." *sound of broken neck*

That first one was the one I was thinking of, but the other one is pretty cool too.
At some point, I just might do a fanon vs. canon Freddy pic. His face is gonna be hell to get detailed just right.

Rorschach is the rapist thing in the mask, right? Yeah, totally sexy. Also totally not going to dismember the annoying floozy and eat her skin.

Sheba wrote:

Rorschach is the rapist thing in the mask, right? Yeah, totally sexy. Also totally not going to dismember the annoying floozy and eat her skin.

Not a rapist (at least not in the book), but really, really uptight about sex, morality, etc. No, Rorschach is not going to enjoy hawt sechs with your Sue, Stu, or any canon character.

"Rorschach's journal, 17th December 1983. Stupid annoying girl following me around because I saved - "

"Why are you talking to yourself?"

" - her life. Mistakenly boned her a couple of times because I thought she was a dead animal. Now she thinks I love her."

"What?"

"Swear I'm going to kill her if she doesn't shut the fuck up and watch the blood flow from her corpse like decadence flows from society."