Ridiculous magazine sex tips for men and women

Kinda link dumping here, but it was fun.

For Women

For Men

Quote :

2. “Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws.”

Tell this to every bishounen fangirl. I like my men clean-shaven and regular-jawed thank you very much.

Quote :

"Your post-run sweat has androstadienone... that spikes her arousal when she smells it."

"Be forewarned, though, if she has any standard of hygene, she'll demand that you immediately go and shower anyway, succulent man-sweat, or no. Women are confusing."

Quote :

"If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

Yeah, I don't think there's any recovering from that one, bro.

Quote :

“According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster.”

Burning bread turns me ON.
One slice peanut butter, one slice jam.
NO PB&J, I can't stand the taste of teh two together.

Quote :

Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

Just don't pee after dinner without flushing.

Quote :

“The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt — at least for mice.”

Um... ok.

Quote :

“Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.” To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.”

Or you could just... give her a regular foot rub. Or is that too passe and unmanly?

Quote :

"Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and have her paint numbers on her body. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth."

LIKE A SEXY ART ATTACK.

Anyone who follows said tips deserve whatever rejection/slap/harassment case that gets thrown their way.

And Asparagus? That's a new one to me.

Quote :

“The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt — at least for mice.”

. . .

How is that supposed to help anyone?

"Hey, do you want to sexually arouse mice but have tried everything in futility? Well champ, if you slather some yogurt onto your testicles, those mice will go crazy for you!"

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Quote :

“Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.” To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.”


Or you could just... give her a regular foot rub. Or is that too passe and unmanly?

First of all, the word 'trotters' makes thing of horses. Which is a total mood kille (see "Equis')

Actually, the foot rub would be nice, but I'm sure it's unmanly to expect the guy to actually DO some of the work. Make her do her own damn leg stretches, the lazy cow!

Sakurelf wrote:

Quote :

"Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and have her paint numbers on her body. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth."

LIKE A SEXY ART ATTACK.

Maybe it's just in comparison to how awful the rest of the suggestions are, but that actually sounds like a hell of a lot of fun.

Oh, gosh this is my favourite ever

Quote :

16. "Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in."
Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?

17. "Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple," and ask your man to lick it off."
Just don’t attempt #16 and #17 on the same night — your man might choke on a rhinestone.

Learn to kiss properly!

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What are you doing, woman? Are you drunk? Are you trying to put your man's back out? Stop making it hard for him! His life is hard enough as it is!

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That's not even how you use a chair! What are you doing woman? Sort yourself out, jeez!

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Much better.

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And stop looking so fucking not-happy. Smile. Smile always. Even when this is happening:

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Fucking smile!

Or if you can't smile, at least be a good cook!

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Oh, what the fuck? You can't cook? You can't make a simple meal! Get out!

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Despite this article being called "Smart Talk", for the love of Christ don't open your pretty little mouth for anything more than simple "yes"-"no"-"oh, my pretty little head is spinning" answers.

Here: This article will show you:

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Keep all this in mind and you'll be married in no time.

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And life will be perfect:

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Don't worry. This woman does live happily ever after.

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

Sakurelf wrote:

Quote :

Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

Just don't pee after dinner without flushing.

Seriously, though. Asparagus also ruins the taste of semen, just like smoking does. Oranges and other citrus fruits are a lot better.

Then again, no good girl ever swallows, so hey!

Sakurelf wrote:

Oh, gosh this is my favourite ever

Quote :

16. "Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in."
Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?

17. "Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple," and ask your man to lick it off."
Just don’t attempt #16 and #17 on the same night — your man might choke on a rhinestone.

All I can envision is two scenarios:

Woman doesn't bother to test the temperature of the tomato sauce beforehand; ends up in the ER trying to explain to the Doctor how she got a second degree burn on her nipple.

Guy swallows rhinestone anyway, ends up in ER trying to explain to the Doctor how he managed to swallow a rhinestone.

Combine the two, and you've got a Monty Python Sketch.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Sakurelf wrote:

Oh, gosh this is my favourite ever

Quote :

16. "Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in."
Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?

17. "Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple," and ask your man to lick it off."
Just don’t attempt #16 and #17 on the same night — your man might choke on a rhinestone.

All I can envision is two scenarios:

Woman doesn't bother to test the temperature of the tomato sauce beforehand; ends up in the ER trying to explain to the Doctor how she got a second degree burn on her nipple.

Guy swallows rhinestone anyway, ends up in ER trying to explain to the Doctor how he managed to swallow a rhinestone.

Combine the two, and you've got a Monty Python Sketch.

Scenario three: Guy is sat at the table: "What the fuck are you doing? I'm fucking hungry!"

WD40 wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Sakurelf wrote:

Oh, gosh this is my favourite ever

Quote :

16. "Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in."
Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?

17. "Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple," and ask your man to lick it off."
Just don’t attempt #16 and #17 on the same night — your man might choke on a rhinestone.

All I can envision is two scenarios:

Woman doesn't bother to test the temperature of the tomato sauce beforehand; ends up in the ER trying to explain to the Doctor how she got a second degree burn on her nipple.

Guy swallows rhinestone anyway, ends up in ER trying to explain to the Doctor how he managed to swallow a rhinestone.

Combine the two, and you've got a Monty Python Sketch.

Scenario three: Guy is sat at the table: "What the fuck are you doing? I'm fucking hungry!"

See, that's what my ex-husband would have been doing. I'm still not sure how we managed to remain married for almost 29 years-seduction techniques were totally wasted on that man.

Jay/Cris wrote:

Sakurelf wrote:

Quote :

Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

Just don't pee after dinner without flushing.

Seriously, though. Asparagus also ruins the taste of semen, just like smoking does. Oranges and other citrus fruits are a lot better.

Then again, no good girl ever swallows, so hey!

You still taste it even if you do not swallow though, yeah?

Also: zinc pill are a thing.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Jay/Cris wrote:

Sakurelf wrote:

Quote :

Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

Just don't pee after dinner without flushing.

Seriously, though. Asparagus also ruins the taste of semen, just like smoking does. Oranges and other citrus fruits are a lot better.

Then again, no good girl ever swallows, so hey!

You still taste it even if you do not swallow though, yeah?

Good girls go for the money shot.

Take ur striptease one step further and peel off yr skin

Quote :

To warm up her trotters,

DEFINITELY LIKEN HER TO A PIG, IT WILL MAKE HER ALL ANGRY AND AROUSED

THAT'S WHAT A PICK-UP ARTIST WOULD DO

WD40 wrote:

[awesomeness]

All these remind me of Seanbaby's If Classic Comic Books Were Written For Women (By Men).

Yeah, I don't get whole "add food to sex" idea. It crops us so often, that I couldn't even call it a niche fetish anymore. Just seems like a waste of food and for the most part it'll just get in the way and create a sticky mess.

Also:

Quote :

28. [On film selection] "Avoid anything that'll cause hearty belly laughs, like Superbad — a jiggly tummy won't make you feel good."
That just makes me sad.

For some reason my ex really wanted me to see Superbad.

My dad told me this one from an "Ask the doctor" column in a magazine in the 70's:

Question: "During coitus, should the testicles also be inserted into the vagina?"
Answer: "If you find there's room for them, yes."

I HOPE the doctor was crying with laughter as he wrote that reply.

Nevvy wrote:

My dad told me this one from an "Ask the doctor" column in a magazine in the 70's:

Question: "During coitus, should the testicles also be inserted into the vagina?"
Answer: "If you find there's room for them, yes."

I HOPE the doctor was crying with laughter as he wrote that reply.

Having lived in the 70s as a young woman, I greatly fear he was probably totally serious. Hell, male Doctors (and a few female ones) refused to believe that cramping and general pain during your period were real till I was in high school. Some of them still do, and we're well into the 21st century.

Putting this here because lol:

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Via Least Helpful

Sakurelf wrote:

Putting this here because lol:

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Simplify your vagina? What-does he think we have interchangeable ones we use according to what mood we're in?

Rabid Badger wrote:

Sakurelf wrote:

Putting this here because lol:

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Simplify your vagina? What-does he think we have interchangeable ones we use according to what mood we're in?

He was joking, you senile, unfunny, autist.

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Sakurelf wrote:

Putting this here because lol:

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Simplify your vagina? What-does he think we have interchangeable ones we use according to what mood we're in?

He was joking, you senile, unfunny, autist.

Can't tell if you're talking to Sakurelf or the fuck who wrote the review.

rae wrote:

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Sakurelf wrote:

Putting this here because lol:

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Simplify your vagina? What-does he think we have interchangeable ones we use according to what mood we're in?

He was joking, you senile, unfunny, autist.

Can't tell if you're talking to Sakurelf or the fuck who wrote the review.

I was talking to Rabby, hoping that someone would quote me in order to get around the oversensitive geriatric's Ignore List.

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From this article at lawsonry comes an article posted to AskMen.com under dating advice. The article was removed after for being horrible, sexist drivel.

But don't worry, it was archived.

Quote :

Draw her natural feminine instincts out
I'll let you in on a secret: Women want men who take control, not men who are control freaks. The difference is important. Control freaks are narcissists who put their desires and needs first. Men who take control are protectors and leaders. The satiation of their desires and needs are the natural result of the effortless and invisible control they wield. Men who take control take care of their women. They treat them like royalty. They shelter them from harm. They love them and they are loyal. But with a stern voice and demeanor and an unflappable charisma, they engender passionate loyalty in return.

A woman who displays the latter will do anything for her man. She will be a whore in the bedroom, a good mother to his children, a partner in business or in crime, and a fierce defender to his detractors.

The Clint Eastwood tour de force Mystic River has a scene at the end between Sean Penn and Laura Linney that best demonstrates the theory in discussion. In a display of impressive spousal devotion, Linney assures her husband of her steadfast support in the face of a heinous crime. Incredulous, Penn rests his head on the bed as his wife expresses her allegiance and obedience with not only words, but also aggressive sexual advances. "You are the King," she whispers.

How did Sean Penn's character provoke such loyalty in his wife? He was a man who took care of his family. Their respect and the respect of his peers were absolute and pure. As a result, his wife, while no pushover and a strong character in her own right, was ready to exercise his whims and let him lead.

Yes, because Clint Eastwood movies are excellent examples of healthy relationships to look up at.