Kingdom Hearts/Doctor Who crossover of PAIN!

You read that title right, folks. Apparently, someone thought writing Doctor Who/Kingdom Hearts would be a good idea, and unfortunately, it's a disaster.

See for yourself.

Not even starting into this story, the author gives his readers as big a "FUCK YOU" as possible...

Quote :

Here is a key to help the reader understand the story.

[text] is used for third-person narrative text that tells/explains what's going on in the story.

"text" is spoken by the main character.

"text" is spoken by other people.

{text} is foreign language spoken by the main character. (notice: it will not be in English)

{text} is foreign language spoken by other people. (notice: it will not be in English)

||TEXT|| is speech translated by the TARDIS. (notice: this comes after the original dialogue in English)

(text) is telepathic communication and un-shielded thoughts.

((text)) is used for hidden thoughts, or thoughts shielded from mind-reading.

-TEXT- is used only when an "immortal" speaks.

~text~ is used to show who's speaking in-series if the character is named.

-text- is only used as an indicator for dreams, flash-backs, and out-of-sequence text.

*text* is used for "sounds" (whack, wham, etc.) linked to dialogue.

_plain text_ is used for first-person text. There are no indicators attached to this text and it's used only by the main character.

^TEXT^ is used for readers rage-quitting when they find this story frustrating as fuck.

Why, author? Is it really too hard to use just ONE FORM OF TEXT?

Yeah, it's gonna be one of those stories, folks.

Let the pain begin! As the Doctor would say: ALLONS-Y!

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War. . . . Fire. . . . Fear. . . . Rage. . . . Time. . . . Sorrow. . . Tragedy. . .

-The noise, the pain, the fire, the screams… It all started when the Daleks came…. I escaped with a Vortex Manipulator my parents gave me and fled to another planet. I met a man and fell for him almost instantly. He went off to another world just two days before HE was born… A different man was standing there when my son was born. I saw the doctors take my son away, and that was it. But why?-

Here's a question: why do you insist confusing the reader so soon in the story? You mention so many different nondescript men it feels like an Anonymous demonstration.

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Fifteen years later. . .

"Get back here!"

"After him!"

You know what's ironic about this? Those guys over there yelling for someone to catch me are the same ones who ignored me ever since I first saw them 14 years ago. Another irony of this? They're being outrun by a fifteen-year-old boy who has no parents, no relatives, and no name. Who is that boy? Well….

"Gotcha!"

OOHHH YOU GOT ME--Wait no, this isn't some elaborate prank...

Still lost? Good. You're gonna be for a good deal throughout this train-wreck.

So the protagonist decides to narrate his life with exposition.

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I left everything behind… My friends, my home, everything except for one small trinket… A Vortex Manipulator.

Don't tell me you killed Jack Harkness for his Vortex Manipulator. You will make many fangirls very sad and/or horny.

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The year after I had left the islands, I was sent back in time by 500 years. I lived on, unchanged by appearance, for all 500 years.

Except for that point you went through puberty.

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Now that I told you this, I can tell you my biggest secret. I am a Time Lord. ... You see… Time is not a constant. It is always changing.

Say Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-wimey, I dare you!

And to further confuse the reader, the author switches to third-person for the second time.

Quote :

[A young man walks through the streets below Big Ben, watching the starry skies of Neverland. This man may seem normal to most, but one thing stood out.

The bright pink mohawk and multiple noserings? Nah, that's just a British punk-rocker. It's pretty normal.

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He was wearing a silver pendant. This pendant had a silver hourglass etched into the front side, the word "Time" written on the back in Circular Gallifreyan. No-one ever noticed him as he walked through the streets.

Wow, author, you're right! I've suddenly lost all interest in this story! Ooh, Jelly Babies...

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He wears that jacket for a reason, just like the rest of his outfit. The outfit he wears is made for people who aren't human.]

No, really, author?

And of course this mysterious character ends the chapter boring us with first-person shit that doesn't help to progress the plot along.

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The moment I'm in the alley, I pull my hood up, tugging the drawstrings tight. The moment my face is hidden, a pair of silvery-white angel wings form on my back. That's right. Wings.

Look at yourself. Now back to me. Back to you. Now back to me! That's right, I have wings! Because I drank a Red Bull. Do you have wings? I thought not.

Fuck this story. Seriously, fuck it. It's amazing the author has gone long enough on this piece of shit, but really? Come on, author.

There are absolutely no reviews for this, good or bad. I don't know whether to be glad or not.

Am I alone in thinking copious amounts of booze or drugs were involved in the making of this crossover?

^TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!^

I mean:

^WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH NORMAL PUNCTUATION?????????????????^ What a confused mess!!!!!! It's supposed to be a story, not a fucking Rosetta Stone. And you know what? I bet this author thinks that they are so fucking clever.

TheIan wrote:

You read that title right, folks. Apparently, someone thought writing Doctor Who/Kingdom Hearts would be a good idea, and unfortunately, it's a disaster.

You know what... I actually like this idea... Both are dimension-crossing type worlds, and seeing The Doctor pal around with Donald Duck and Cloud would be fuckin' awesome...

Can't argue on the disaster observation though.

Quote :

[text] is used for third-person narrative text that tells/explains what's going on in the story.

"text" is spoken by the main character.

yadda-yadda-yadda

Because books, real actual works of literature all start off with a page explaining how to ignore the established format of prose.

Where the fuck do they get these ideas?

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"After him!"

Another irony of this? They're being outrun by a fifteen-year-old boy who has no parents, no relatives, and no name.

You see, that's ironic because, usually fifteen-year-old boys with no parents, relatives or names are slow as fuck.

WD40 wrote:

Quote :

"After him!"

Another irony of this? They're being outrun by a fifteen-year-old boy who has no parents, no relatives, and no name.

You see, that's ironic because, usually fifteen-year-old boys with no parents, relatives or names are slow as fuck.

With that observation, one could reason in a pseudo-philosophical sense not having parents, relatives or a name would be less of a burden and therefore make you faster.
I dunno, I just pulled that out of my ass. I don't know what I'm talking about.

The author starts every one of his chapters with an author's note and the same pretentious text-key so we can decode everything that's going on.
Which is unnecessary, but then again the author is a complete moron.

Chapter begins with Riku, the Time Lord, flying into Big Ben.

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I instantly swerve to the left, narrowly missing the clock tower. I quickly fly back towards the fight, dropping a megalixer as I fly over Sora's head, unaware of someone watching me.

Apparently, Riku doesn't know he's being watched, yet at the same time recognized he's being watched but just doesn't know it?

Anyway! Riku is in the middle of something big, confusing, and all around pointless, which I guess is good enough padding--

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[The man on top of Big Ben ran into a blue police box, returning with a key tied to a string, wearing it like a pendant. The man looked at Riku, trying to determine what he's doing over there. Meanwhile, the Phantom Dragon heartless was preparing to start the countdown. . .]

Waitwaitwait! Where did the Heartless come from? Why is it attacking Big Ben? For that matter, where did the Doctor come from?
Explain author!

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"It's doing something to the clock. . . . Oh crap! We don't have any Time magic!"

And this is where Riku narrates his meeting the Doctor, just as you'd suspect, it's handled like the Three Stooges moving a box of nitroglycerin...

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What I found unusual about him was the necklace he's wearing. It's like mine, only his is nothing but string and a key. What do I mean by "it's like mine"? Well, for one, he can see me.

Of course we can see you, Riku! If we couldn't, I wouldn't be able to punch you for being such a pretentious schmuck!

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The other thing is that his looks like a poorly made perception filter. Of course, mine is strong enough that people won't notice me until I take it off. His is too easy to see through.

Why is it when I read this line I feel like Riku's been turned into a Stu?

And then the shit gets confusing.

Apparently, the Doctor joins Sora while Riku just follows behind them, because THAT MAKES ALL KINDS OF SENSE FOR THIS STORY

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I wait for the others to finish off the heartless. The moment the heartless disappears, I drop an orb into Sora's hands, giving him a Stop spell to use in the future. Once he catches the orb, I fly back to the alley, folding my wings in before entering a new set of coordinates into the Vortex Manipulator. . .

[The moment Riku left the city, Sora's group decides to let the mysterious man join them. He introduced himself as "the Doctor", eventually parking his police box, aka the TARDIS, on-board the gummi ship. The group takes off, unaware that the person Sora's searching for is following them, always one step ahead of the game. . . .]

Oh ^Fuck you, author!^ Seriously, you're not even trying to make this story interesting. Now you're just pissing people off.

The chapter ends with Riku directing Sora to the 1000 Heartless fight at Hollow Bastion.

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"I need to get Sora to the Bailey, without being noticed. . . ."

I finger the silver pendant that keeps me hidden from everyone, forming a subtle link to Sora's mind, disguising my mental voice as his conscience.

(The Bailey is under attack.)

[Sora soon feels the need to go check the Bailey, summoning his Keyblade on the way there. Donald and Goofy follow suit, the Doctor merely running after them.]

^TELEPATHY?!?!?!?!?^


^FUCK THIS FUCKING STORY!^ This has to be some of the most pretentious shit-writing I have ever found!

I lost the will to try and milk this for lulz when I saw the ridiculously over-elaborate key that you posted in the first quote which appears to be nothing more than a ludicrous excuse for lazy writing. It means if you want to understand vaguely what's going on you need to keep referring to the fucking thing to find out what text in asterisks or text in fucking brackets means. Just fuck this story. Rape it with a trombone. Seriously.

Also TheIan are you a RL brony?

StandupShady wrote:

Also TheIan are you a RL brony?

You gonna give me shit if I said I am?

Honestly, I won't say I am completely and utterly, I don't go out and buy the toys or plushies, that kind strikes me as borderline creepy and a little over-obsessive. I'm drawn to the show and sometimes the fan-made music videos and find myself supporting the beliefs and ideals of love and tolerance, while trying to practice in the same such case. Also, it causes Penguin to butt-clench and it's kind of hilarious.

I agree with WD-40; you could probably write a good Dr. Who/Kingdom Hearts crossover.

This, however, is not it. The minute I saw the helpful little 'Key' at the beginning, I knew we were doomed. Having to explain to your readers HOW to read the story ranks even higher than detailed descriptions of what your characters are wearing on the 'Hit the Back Button' scale.

TheIan wrote:

StandupShady wrote:

Also TheIan are you a RL brony?

You gonna give me shit if I said I am?

Lol. Someone's a tad oversensitive. I just don't understand the attraction that grown men have to a little girl's cartoon. And that's not intended to be an insult. That's just a fact.

Anyway, sorry for offtopic. Back to the horribleness therein....

Before I start into the next chapter, I left a review for the author and they replied, and I'm not sure how to scale this reply, whether bad, good or a variation thereof, it just makes you wonder:

Lazy-ass author wrote:

I honestly put the key there for those who want it. I don't really like using the key in stories, but I thought that some people would find all the random symbols a bit confusing.

I'm actually used to having the story shown in the character's point of view. I often roleplay on YouTube. I had one friend who often uses parenthesis as both action-text indicators and thought indicators, which really confused me so bad that I often mistook the actions for thoughts.

I just didn't want anyone to get ticked off at me for all the confusing symbols. Also, I just felt like trying it out.


Another thing about the fanfictions. I ran out of ideas, then felt that the ones I already had were kind of boring, so I ended up in a writer's block or something. By now, all of my stories so far are discontinued and I also lost most of the files I had been working with. Should I just put the "discontinued" notice on the old stories, or leave them alone?

By all means, author, leave them alone! It's not like you were any good anyway.

Lazy-ass author wrote:

I honestly put the key there for those who want it. I don't really like using the key in stories, but I thought that some people would find all the random symbols a bit confusing.

Then DON'T USE THE RANDOM SYMBOLS. Read a fucking book and learn how to use dashes.

Really, the whole key needs some commentary, because it's just so fucking stupid.

Quote :

[text] is used for third-person narrative text that tells/explains what's going on in the story.

USE THE FUCKING REGULAR NARRATION to do that!

Quote :

"text" is spoken by the main character.

"text" is spoken by other people.

Those two are identical what the fuck

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{text} is foreign language spoken by the main character. (notice: it will not be in English)

{text} is foreign language spoken by other people. (notice: it will not be in English)

Again identical. Also, why the need to separate foreign text when you're not translating it? People will be able to notice it's foreign text, due to, I dunno, BEING WRITTEN IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE.

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||TEXT|| is speech translated by the TARDIS. (notice: this comes after the original dialogue in English)

You aren't making separate symbols for every character. You KNOW how to indicate who's talking. Just USE THAT TO TELL IT'S THE TARDIS TRANSLATING THE SHIT.

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(text) is telepathic communication and un-shielded thoughts.

This is not a fucking comic book.

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((text)) is used for hidden thoughts, or thoughts shielded from mind-reading.

God dammit is it so hard to say the thoughts are hidden

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-TEXT- is used only when an "immortal" speaks.

Why do they get different text? Is it because they're speshul?

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~text~ is used to show who's speaking in-series if the character is named.

What the shit is this? I can't even parse this sentence.

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-text- is only used as an indicator for dreams, flash-backs, and out-of-sequence text.

Are you so fucking illiterate that you can't even tell your readers a flashback is ocurring?

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*text* is used for "sounds" (whack, wham, etc.) linked to dialogue.

Linked to dialogue? Unless the people are SAYING whack, wham etc. all action sounds can be separated from dialogue.

But really, did the author not stop and think that maybe it would be a little unconvenient for people to have to reference a giant key to understand who's doing what? I'm reading a book on semiotics that uses a key to separate the nuances of meaning for a word, and it's damn confusing. At least my book is excused because it's talking about a genuinely complicated subject.

StandupShady wrote:

I just don't understand the attraction that grown men have to a little girl's cartoon. And that's not intended to be an insult. That's just a fact.

I would imagine that has something to do with it being a well made show.