So I was browsing around at Comics With Problems, an online collection of all of the horrible PSA comics that have existed during our time. If you ever wanted to read a Dennis the Menace comic revolving around child abuse, a Spiderman comic where Peter Parker tells an ambiguously brown child about his childhood sexual abuse, a propaganda comic talking about how Govern George C. Wallace was TEH GREATEST HUMAN BEING EVAR OMG, and "Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane is Curious (Black)!", then this is the site for you.
I may eventually tackle the most notorious of these comics on this site (since Zeiss Manifold and Delcat need a replacement in the mocking comics business), but at the moment I'm only mocking a three-page comic. But, oh sweet Jesus, this comic is something else.
Basically, this tells the tale about how Bruce Banner ("The Incredible Hulk") was almost raped at the YMCA.
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I know, I know.
Now, before I get to mocking the comic, let me mention something about this comic: it, like most of the comics at "Comics with Problems", is full of **UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS** regarding this subject manner. This comic goes one step further, however, by intertwining the "gays=pedophiles/rapists/perverts" with a not-so-subtle critique against the YMCA. It's just...I mean...the YMCA? Really? The YMCA is probably the most family friendly organization that I've been to in a while. I mean, I went swimming there several days ago, and I sure as hell don't remember being assaulted in the showers by depraved butch lesbians. Huh. Maybe it's a penis-bearer thing.
Also, Bruce Banner? Really? THIS is going to be classic.
Let's get started! I'm going to break this down page by page and panel by panel, so be sure to follow along!
Page 1
Panel 1:
"...the slender figure heads for the community shower..." Holy crap, I never would have guessed that Bruce Banner's an uke. Huh.
So "slender" Bruce Banner has just locked his cubicle (Huh? Do they mean a locker?) behind him and is headed into the community showers of the YMCA. Unfortunately, Prince Adam in a stupid stripped shirt and a Blacksploitation film aerobics instructor have different ideas about what Bruce Banner's going to be doing with his soap. "Sweet!" "Let's do it!"
"At least they give me a clean towel every day!" Jesus, comic book illustrator, did the YMCA murder your wife and child and eat your family dog alive? What the hell do you have against it?
Facts About the YMCA #4543: Apparently chickenhawking gay men in mixed racial groups lurk about the community showers ALL FREAKING DAY until a suitable "slender" uke shows up to meet their depraved homosexual needs.
Panel 2:
Good God, I'm getting bad yaoi fanfiction/anime/manga deja vu. Bruce Banner's just obliviously tittering away about books (while holding soap, hardee har har) while Prince Adam prowls around the wall divider. All BB needs is some blushing cheeks.
Panel 3:
" Hiya! My name's Dewey! What's yours?!" HI MY NAME'S DEWEY, THIS IS MY FRIEND TOKEN, AND WE'LL BE YOUR RAPISTS THIS EVENING.
...Did Prince Adam just pimp slap Bruce Banner?
Panel 4:
OH MY GOD THIS IS A BAD YAOI MANGA. Bruce Banner is the freaking picture of a stupefied, clueless uke (an oh Christ does that make my soul bleed a little), and oh my God, THE DIALOGUE.
" Umm! You're soft! And all pearly white--and you've got the cutest little cheeks!" OH MY GOD TOKEN QUIT IT, I'M DYING FROM LAUGHTER, AND I'M NOW EXPECTING YOU TO COMMENT ON BB'S "VIRGIN OPENING" (by the way, Token's name is Luellen of all things? Is he an FTM transsexual or something? Wow, that just raised the Unfortunate Implication's measure to critical levels).
" Think he'll whine, Dewey?" " Yeah Luellen--an' I like it when they whine!" No, never mind, I've actually seen more realistic dialogue in actual yaoi rape scenes. This is a new low for me.
Panel 5:
...
Wow.
So Bruce Banner, the freaking HULK, is being held in place by Prince Adam clapping a hand over his mouth (he's also dropped the soap. Yeah, I know, I'm a horrible person), which is TOTALLY THE MOST DIFFICULT HOLD TO ESCAPE FROM EVER, IT'S LIKE THE DESIGNATED FEMALE GRAB AREA. I mean, seriously, he could just kick Prince Adam in the stomach and run away, but he seems to be holding the idiot!ball for the sake of the comic.
Awww, isn't Token the kindest friend? Not only is he considerate enough to eclipse Bruce Banner's junk with his shadow before he leaves, but he even let's Prince Adam get his rape on first! Now THAT'S Unfortunate Implications Friendship for you!
" Fair's fair! I went first with that chubby cutie from Akron last week!" I know the man's all about Cleveland, but I'm now (sadly) picturing Prince Adam and Token stalking Drew Carey.
Also, what's Token going to do to keep people out of the showers? Punch out every high school swim team that comes to practice and cram them in the yoga room? What if someone comes in from the pool? Can he clone himself to stand guard at two entrances?
If you're going to write a bad Hulk rape comic, illustrator, you could at LEAST make it plausible.
Panel 6:
Every line out of these rapists' mouths is pure gold.
" N-no...Please, don't! S-stay away!" OH MY GOD BRUCE, YOU'RE THE FUCKING HULK, JUST HULK OUT AND SLAM PRINCE ADAM'S HEAD THROUGH THE CONCRETE DIVIDER.
Page 2
Oh Sweet Jesus, this comic just keeps getting stupider.
Panel 1:
So Bruce Banner internally monologues about how he can't believe this is happening to him, but he can't hulk out to save himself, BECAUSE HE'S MORE AFRAID OF THE HULK THAN GETTING GANGBANGED BY TWO RAPISTS.
LET THAT ONE SINK IN FOR A MOMENT.
And also, isn't it very implausible that he wouldn't hulk out to this? I mean, this is the guy (in the TV show at least) that got his sleeve torn off by a printing press and flipped the fuck out, but the though of getting brutally gangraped doesn't phase him? What?
Panel 2:
BB's great plan to get out of this situation is to reveal to Prince Adam that he's Bruce Banner and that he'll hulk out and kill him if he doesn't let him go. Now, let me explain the two obvious issues with this strategy:
1) There is a 99.99% chance that Prince Adam will think he is full of shit and just rape him anyway.
2) Even if Prince Adam does believe him and let him go, there's a good chance that he'll go to the cops and tell them his location (without revealing the raping thing, of course), forcing BB to risk capture once again.
Look, BB, even if you can't hulk out, Prince Adam's just one unarmed dude Kick him in the nads and bolt for it. Hey, you can even go out the entrance that isn't guarded by Token! It's not like they'll make a big fuss about running after you since THEY'RE ASSAULTING YOU IN ONE OF THE MOST PUBLIC AND CROWDED GYMS EVER.
But it's not like Prince Adam's going to actually believe him, right...?
Panel 3:
YOU ARE A FUCKING DUMBASS, PRINCE ADAM.
Then again, I guess Prince Adam and Token are already a few quarters short of a dollar, since they decided to carry out their raping scheme at the FREAKING PUBLIC LOCKER ROOMS AT THE YMCA.
Panel 4:
Nothing much happens in this panel. Bruce Banner gets the fuck out of dodge while Token just looks confused. IF IT WAS THAT EASY TO GET PAST TOKEN, WHY DIDN'T BB JUST TRY TO MAKE A BREAK FOR IT IN THE FIRST PLACE? Ahhhhhh I'm so fucking confused.
Panels 5 and 6:
Token tries to run after Bruce Banner, Prince Adam stops him, and Token basically has the same reaction to his friend's stupidity than I did.
Just one more page!
Page 3
Panels 1, 2, and 3:
So Bruce Banner, in an act of absolute ingenuity, decides to hide from his rapists, not in the very public areas full of people that exist at the YMCA, but in the alley out back.
...
Yeah, I've got nothing. Beating my head against the wall is more sensible than that decision.
(Okay, it may be because he's afraid of hulking out in front of everyone, and THAT I can understand. However, if he didn't even hulk out during an attempted rape, why would he hulk out after he's in the clear...?)
Panels 4 and 5:
I don't have anything snarky to say about these panels, because Bruce Banner is exhibiting a perfectly normal reaction to nearly being raped, and this is the only part of the comic where I can actually get over my incredulity at the situation and really feel for the guy. I don't know how in character this is (since I've never read any of the Hulk comics and only watched parts of the original TV series), but from a layman's point of view he's reasonably shaken up and scared, and these two panels probably give us the most realistic depictions of sexual assault and its consequences in the whole comic.
Panels 6, 7, 8, and 9:
...
NOW YOU HULK OUT?! YOU DON'T HULK OUT WHEN YOU'RE BEING RAPED, BUT AS SOON AS YOU'RE SAFE AND THERE'S NO VISIBLE DANGER,
THAT'S WHEN YOU DECIDE IT'S A FINE TIME TO GO SUPERHUMAN?! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--
::THE END!::
You know what, I've got nothing. This comic was unrealistic and stupid, and outside of TWO WHOLE PANELS that actually made me give a damn about the situation, I felt NOTHING but disbelief during the whole thing. I'm not sure if it was preaching against homosexuality, rape in general, the YMCA, or a combination of the three, but I don't see the reason why they decided to use "The Incredible Hulk" (of all things!) to get their message across. Hell, I don't even know what the point was of the whole attempted rape, which makes me resent the comic even more for inserting a completely pointless rape scene into the plot due to a desire to be DARK AND EDGY OMG.
Now, this comic seems like a snippet from a larger comic issue, so if I'm missing something out of context please let me know. Otherwise NO COMIC ILLUSTRATORS BAD NO COOKIES NO NO NONONO
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