Why God, Why?


 
HomeHome  FAQFAQ  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 I Have Had it With These Motherfucking Snakes on My Motherfucking Tennis Star

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Mikey Go WOOGA
NO NOT THE BEEEEES
NO NOT THE BEEEEES
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-16
Age : 27
Location : In desperate pursuit of lulz.

PostSubject: I Have Had it With These Motherfucking Snakes on My Motherfucking Tennis Star   Thu Jun 02, 2011 1:54 am

This fic first showed up on Green GAFF (I think, it may have been Orange GAFF. My memory isn't great). It left a particularly memorable impression on such a young clueless GAFFer like myself. I tried to find it a while ago, but to no avail (mostly because I forgot the exact title of the piece). Then a GAFFer more seasoned than I (he has no beginning, he knows no end, he is infinite) managed to drag it up because his memory is apparently a little more capable than mine.

To summarize, Maria Sharapova takes some inexplicable actions and then she gets raped by snakes and then, ah, fuck it, I'm not ruining the ending (and it is a delicious ending). What's worse than the reptilian gang rape brigade is the fact that it is written in block paragraph almost as large as LeAirball's ego.

Maria Sharapova in those damned snakes

Quote :
Maria Sharopova walked into the back yard area of her Mansion.

Maybe if she spent more time practicing tennis and less time traipsing through her back yard, she would still be World No. 1.

Quote :
She travelled through a garden and reached a murky pool filled with leaves, moss, and algae. Investigating the area and looking for a way across the pool without having to actually swim through the disgusting looking water turned up a crank to the left of it.

She doesn't know her own back yard AND doesn't think to walk around the pool. This just proves that blonds, athletes, and women are all fucking morons.

Alternate Snark: I'd like her to turn my crank. Dongs

That crank she turned drains the pool, and she climbs a ladder down into it, still not thinking to simply walk around the pool. Then she somehow reaches a dead end while in the pool, or something. Whoever wrote this was too busy pounding on his dong as if it were a broken NES to think much about story structure.

Shortly afterward, she gets bit by a snake. This is where the story gets good, so to speak.

Quote :
She wondered how poisonous the snake was.

No need to call a doctor or hospital or zoologist or anything, just stand there wondering while whatever poison it might have flows through you. This goes above and beyond the call of Dumb Blond, she's pushing the dial clear into Steeler RB levels of idiot.

Quote :
Before she was able to think very long about the snake, Maria felt twin pin pricks in her leg.

Sorry, thinking about Sharapova gives me an otherworldly boner that seeks her out, through the aether, no matter where she is. I don't know what the other prick is. It's probably Sasha Vujacic.



And now I want my Aether Penis back with me.

Quote :
She let out another cry and looked down. Another snake had bitten into her calf. She kicked it away from her only to have yet another one drop onto her shoulders again. Before she could react to the new threat, more and more snakes appeared.

I know Florida has snakes, but holy shit, it's like a bee hive.

Oh, did I mention she lives in Florida? Even in fanfiction, EVERYTHING bad happens in Florida.

Quote :
Dropping from the trees above, slithering up from the semi-drained pool, uncurling from shadowy corners, all headed straight for her. She felt bite after bite on her legs and then her hands as she swung them at the snakes.

Yeah, the tennis star certainly couldn't run away. Absolutely impossible, this story would be unbelievably boring and hardly worthy of note if we adhered to simple logic and reason.

So, to summarize the next few paragraphs so we can skip to the best parts, the snakes are poisonous. Not lethally so, however, they just paralyze her. Kind of like Rohypnol. Actually, exactly like Rohypnol.

There's some description of biting her in various places, notably "ass" and "tits." Then this happened:

Quote :
Even though she didn't feel their bites anymore, Maria could still feel their long bodies sliding against her's. They seemed to be exploring every inch of her body, nudging at it in places.

It's almost as if the author himself would like to do exactly this with his own hands. Almost. Colbert

Quote :
The snake in her shirt started coiling around one of her boobs, squeezing it.

Brb, googling fake Maria Sharapova nudes. Oh wait, there's a helpful link to the same at the end of the fic. Seriously, check the bottom of the page.

Quote :
All Maria could do was lay there as the snakes slithered over her weak body. Their fangs dug into her clothes, creating little, bloody holes. They seemed to be moving with purpose and as Maria started hearing the sound of tearing cloth,

Hivemind rape snakes.

What do you think we'd have to pay the Spanish to take Florida back?

Quote :
Maria let out another moan as a few tongues found her clit. This time, she didn't close her mouth fast enough and the tail of one snake moved into her mouth. She gagged on the slithery thing that pushed deeper down her throat and tried to force it out to no avail.

Now why in Christ would a snake do that? Seriously. At least Anna Kournikova getting ganged raped by Dolphins was plausible (once again, Florida), but this is utter fantasy.

Quote :
It wasn’t long before the strain from all the slithering creatures caused the fabric of her pants to tear. The trousers followed the woman's shirt into useless, shredded cloth. Her panties were also stretched and eventually torn off. Maria was getting Goosebumps from the cool night air and the equally cool skin moving all over her's. With her pussy now totally exposed, it wasn't long before one of the snakes drove its head deep into her.

What could these snakes possibly hope to achieve by doing this. I mean, they're animals. They have as much higher intelligence as a rat or a chicken or Vince Russo. They should pretty much only be interested in eating and procreating. And this certainly isn't going to result in either of those things.

Let's read on.

Quote :
Maria let out a muffled scream as the snake sank its fangs into her inner vaginal walls.

The Unnamed GAFFer once said, "When I feel sympathy for body parts I don't have, the author has went too far."

Quote :
The scream opened her throat, which allowed the tail to drop even further down. It started chocking her.

Urbandictionary defines "chock" as a verb that basically means the same thing as "choke," only the object used to choke whatever your choking is a cock. So I guess in a certain sense what was almost certainly a typo works nicely.

Quote :
She concentrated as hard as she good on gathering together the last bits of strength she possessed and with a final effort, rose into a sitting position and began to push the snakes away.

That one didn't work as well. I know as well as anyone that one can get distracted while furiously masturbating, so typos are to be expected if you try to write something while beating your dick like it owes you money. However, that's no excuse not to proofread once you've finished.

Oh, the fact that he's writing a fic about hivemind rape snakes violating a tennis star is also offensive. But it's hard to get worked up about that.

Quote :
Another dipped its head into her panting mouth and pierced her tongue with its twin fangs.

I have no response to this. I just wanted to share it with you.

Quote :
Maria didn't think there was anything more they could do to her, until she felt a snake tongue dip into her butt crack. The woman's eyes widened as the snake started to work at her rear.



Quote :
All the poison being pumped through her bloodstream was catching up to her and her brain soon fogged over. She stopped comprehending that she was being violated by serpents. All she knew was that she was being penetrated by phallic-like things.

At this point, I have to ask why the author decided to rape Sharapova with snakes. I mean, it'd have been easier to just write a group of humans gang raping her.

Just saying. Colbert

Quote :
She stopped holding in her moans of pleasure as the snakes caressed her body. She wantonly started to suck on the snake in her mouth and thrust her hips as best she could against the ones in her nether regions.

Rape Fic Checklist:
[x] Victim makes a number of inexplicable decisions that lead to the rape
[] Rapists constantly called the victim a slut or whore and constantly say stuff like "You like that thick cock in your tight cunt, don't you?"
[x] Victim eventually starts to like it
[x] Victim seems significantly weaker or otherwise lacking ability she, in reality, has to fight off the attack.

Quote :
The one in her pussy kept forcing more and more of itself into her body until the last bit of its tail slipped inside her. The snake coiled itself tightly together inside the woman's womb.

I'm out of unfunny jokes. It's late, and this shit doesn't get any less brain breaking with age.

Quote :
They worked her body on top of them and carried her back towards the mansion. When she woke up, her entire body was sore and she felt bloated.

Welcome to Michael Moore's world (I lied, I have LOTS of unfunny jokes left).

Quote :
Maria looked down at herself, noticing that her belly was distended quite a bit. Hesitantly, she placed a hand on her gut and pushed a little. As though she had pressed a button, she immediately felt a mass of swirling movement inside of her.

She knew she shouldn't have ate that gas station burrito for lunch.

Quote :
She gasped and dropped back to the ground, her legs spread. She watched in horror as a large snake began to slither out of her cunt. It was long and thick and covered in her juices.

Like Vujacic's dong.

So, a few more snakes come out (apparently she's got Red Mage's hole in her womb), she tries to get away, and the fic, and probably the author, reach their climax.

Quote :
She turned and let out a scream as she came face to face with a giant snake.

"Sasha, put your pants back on."

In case you're not counting how many times I've referenced the penis of a third rate NBA player in this post, it's three.

Quote :
One of its giant fangs had sunk into her gut while the other was embedded in her upper thigh. The icy cold pain shot through her body and she cried out in agony.

When the mountains on the tennis star turn blue, you know she's experiencing the perfect level of ice cold pain.

I have a secret I feel I should let you all in on by this point...

Quote :
The snake's mouth opened and lowered over the young woman, engulfing her head. It forced her up into its mouth and began to swallow her alive.

This is a vore fic.

This isn't the end. There's still a colorful description of what happens to her when she's in the snake's stomach that I encourage you to read. But there's really no point in me quoting it as I have no response worth typing.

Edit: Okay, I can't get the fucking link to work. Here's how to find it. From the site's home page, either search for "devilman" as an author, or search "Those Damned Snakes" and look for any entries under Maria Sharapova. You're looking for "Maria Sharapova in Thosed Damned Snakes"


Last edited by Mikey Go WOOGA on Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:29 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
grmblfjx
Hot and Botherer
Hot and Botherer
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10

PostSubject: Re: I Have Had it With These Motherfucking Snakes on My Motherfucking Tennis Star   Thu Jun 02, 2011 3:32 pm

Well, I laughed.

I seem to remember that this fic made several comebacks with different main characters- literally just replaced the name, didn't change anything else- and I'm not even sure Ms. Sharapova was the first. Certainly the one I remember, though.
Back to top Go down
 
I Have Had it With These Motherfucking Snakes on My Motherfucking Tennis Star
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» when Vennominaga the Deity of Poisonous Snakes meet bloo-D
» Bloo-d Osiris
» Lizards and snakes by brand “XX”
» For Joy (Pinus mugo - yamadori "Three Snakes)
» Vennominaga the Deity of Poisonous Snakes

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Why God, Why? :: The Sporking Table :: Golden Oldies-
Jump to: