The Lunatic Saga: Star Wars collides with Star Trek in a shower of purple glitter

I give you...

Star Wars: The Luna Saga: To Save a Planet!: A girl is enlisted into saving a planet. PLEASE R&R!

Well, pretty simple summation so far. Let's see what's inside!

Chapter 1. We meet our Sue painting a droid. Or a mirror. I'm not quite sure on this one.

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A planet spun stagnantly, surrounded by the ever glittering glimmer of the deepest recesses of the Milky Way; stars swirled gloriously around this blue and green planet, and fate itself seemed to be waiting for a particular member of the most dominant species of this planet to fulfill her ultimate destiny.

I... don't even know where to start with this. A planet spun stagnantly? Ever glittering glimmer? What? Did they get assaulted with SPARKLES? OWAIT. It's assaulted with SUES. Yes, yes, silly me.

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Angelina Luna pushed a stray strand of dark hair out of her face and exhaled noisily.

Mouthbreather.

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Angelina Luna pushed a stray strand of dark hair out of her face and exhaled noisily. Her purple Converse high-tops squeaked as she stood back to admire her creation. Her deep hazel eyes flickered mischievously and today shone a dark, forest green to compliment her pale, freckled complexion. She wore a rather ragged sweatshirt and a pair of faded jeans with socks the same shade of violet as her shoes. A proud smile was displayed prominently on her heart-shaped face.

It was the Sueiest Sue that ever Sued!

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The shimmering rose paint reflected her reflection back at her like a mirror.

Redundant statements are redundant.

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Her little droid didn’t only function as a mirror, however, and as soon as she switched it on it began to warble excitedly as she flicked it’s on button and gave it life.

Oh, she's flicking its button. :O Naughty Sue!

Anyway, when she's finished admiring her almost but not nearly perfect work--so we KNOW she's not a Sue, because it's not uber perfect--someone mysteriously appears to give her a message!

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Anakin Skywalker parted his lips and said the words that would changer life forever:

"Can I borrow a cup of sugar?"

Well, that wasn't it, of course. No, she had to save the world! This riveting story continues in Chapter 2, where she admires Anakin's hawtness.

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Angelina almost fainted from the sight of the god, Anakin Skywalker, standing in front of her. He looked as delectable as everybody told her so.

God's a hottie. And a Jedi. Damn, he's awesome.

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“Did you hear what I said?” Anakin asked.

Angelina raked at the back of her mind to remember what he said. ‘Let’s see, I opened the door and he was there… and then… HOLY SHIT!”

Uh, dear, I don't think he said that... more like, "Oh god, oh god, get it away from me"...?

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“You’re our only hope, Angelina,” he told her in his cool voice.

With his cool shades, he coolly flipped his cool hair back with a cool jerk of his cool head.

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“What if I were to help you?” he asked.

“You would?” she asked and looked up to meet his piercing blue eyes with her hazel ones. She subconsciously took a step closer to him..

“Of course I would,” he whispered before grabbing her and connecting his lips to hers.

"But I get top billing," he whispered, his dramawhorish ways coming to the forefront.

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He pulled away from her and stared into her hazel eyes once again. “Angelina, you need to wake up.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

“This is a dream, Angelina. Wake up,” he told her.

“No, this can’t be! No!”

OSNAP! DENIED!

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Angelina Luna wasn’t a graduate from the Worldwide Galactic Wartime enginnering academy, she was the youngest graduate of the USS Enterprise Engineering Academy. She’s an apprentice to Montgomery Scott on the USS Enterprise, but one day, she hopes that she will meet Anakin Skywalker. He would whisk her away from this place, where she would fight by his side to defeat the Dark Side Elite.

WAT.

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“Okay, okay,” she muttered before following Chief Engineer of the USS Enterprise. ‘Please come soon, Anakin.’

HUR HUR HUR.

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A/N: I hope you liked this chapter! I probably surprised all you with the plot twist. My friend is a big Star Trek fan and demanded I put it in my fic! ^ - ^

Ah, so that explains the split personality of this fic.

There's more. I just can't face it atm.

Oh God, Max. This is painful to read. Please keep on going.

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"Okay Angelina, remember that we're supposed to adjust fuel expenditures along this corresponding sine wave," said Scotty in his Scottish accent with a hint of passive-aggressive cruelty.

Remember, folks at home, Scotty is fat and therefore a bad person.

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Scotty went back to work, prying off the panel to access the wiring behind it. He didn't understand Angelina at all- he was a stupid, inconsiderate basement-dweller who ate nothing but his mother's bagel bites and obsessed over all these engineering details that meant absolutely nothing.

Engineering details are meaningless because Sues can just magic their way through advanced electronics, robotics, computers, ventilation, chill water systems...

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"Okay, I adjusted this sine wave," muttered Angelina. She was one of Starfleet's most promising cadets, after all, and was assigned to the USS Enterprise with the highest commendation. Everyone loved her, her GPA was to die for, and she passed the Kobayashi Maru test on the first time without trying.

Not trying is the solution to the Kobayashi Maru, obvs.

Well, it worked for Sulu, anyways.

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"Stop looking at me, you pig!" she exclaimed, as she walked up to the bridge. She hated how all they did was just look at her as if she was some kind of object to be won.

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Uhura turned around. "What are you doing here, nobody called you!"

Uhura was a bitch and got in the way of everything Angelina wanted

Observe the the canon female defending her turf. Canon females are known to be the natural enemies of the Mary Sue and they often get in violent disputes over shared resources.

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she wanted to command the Enterprise so she could find her one true love Anakin Skywalker, who was out there somewhere in Naboo, which was located somewhere in Bajor.

All Sci-Fi universes are one! One world, one future!

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Spock turned around from one of the many contraptions he was always examining.

You mean those wooden boxes with shapes stuck on them in the background? Or the plastic boxes with the flashing lights in the foreground?

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"Did we call anyone from engineering, captain?"

"No, not that I rec-"

CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!

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R/R No flames PLEASE! Or I'll roast marshmellows on it lol

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"Scotty, for the last time, I understand. You're just jealous that you just don't measure up to me!"

Or measure down, rather. Maybe she's talking about how she's got supermassive tits that Scotty could only dream of having?

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"What, are you calling me FAT now? Get back to drinking and reading those technical manuals, you filthy pig! I hate you! I hate all of you!

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He didn't understand Angelina at all- he was a stupid, inconsiderate basement-dweller who ate nothing but his mother's bagel bites

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who ate nothing but his mother's bagel bites

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mother's bagel bites

Wait, is bagel bites a code word here for uh, breasts? I'd buy that but Scotty, I don't know if eating nothing but your mom's tits is good for you past the age of three.
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I don't know, tits like that don't look too appetizing.

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Everyone loved her, her GPA was to die for, and she passed the Kobayashi Maru test on the first time without trying. Cheating was above her.

She's just that awesome.

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She was 5'8", 100 lbs, measured 32-26-32, and had bright purple hair.

Holy shit she's skinny. And her hair's changing color.

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"I better not have gotten any oil on my pretty pink Hollister shirt," she muttered.

Oil? No, you're in Engineering- which means you're supposed to be wearing red anyway. Well, pink is a light red, right? So maybe 50% chance of dying?

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A few redshirts were also on the turbolift, and could not resist laying their eyes on her.

Which resulted in their deaths. Hey, nobody's going to notice a few dead redshirts just piled there.

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"Bitch, you aren't going to stop me!"

"Excuse me, miss, get back to Engineering, nobody called you."

"Nuh-uh!"

OH NO YOU DIDN'T.

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Angelina slapped Uhura in the face. "You whore!" she exclaimed.

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I'm facepalming and laughing at the same time.

Nihilist wrote:

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R/R No marsh mellows PLEASE! Or I'll roast flames on it lol

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Fixed. Roast Flames on a Marsh mellow? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Hi everyone my name is Emily and I saw the first Star Wars movie and I just HAD to write a fic!

Hi Emily the Suethor! No, you didn't. You really, really didn't. You especially didn't need to write this level of fuckery.

Edited because spelling "hi" is apparently difficult.

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Angelina almost fainted from the sight of the god, Anakin Skywalker, standing in front of her. He looked as delectable as everybody told her so.

He's also right up there with Edward Cullen as someone you shouldn't want to actually be involved with.
But she's a special sparkly Sue so who cares?

I got as far as her name being "Angelina Luna" and decided I didn't want to read a whole lot more.

I'll need to be in a specific frame of mind to look at that (ie. drunk or off my shit on cocaine).

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she wanted to command the Enterprise so she could find her one true love Anakin Skywalker, who was out there somewhere in Naboo, which was located somewhere in Bajor.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Wait, what? She wants to command the Enterprise (presumably at port somewhere near Earth) so she can find her true love in Naboo (which any Star Wars movie will say is "in a galaxy far, far away")? I'm not sure how fast warp speed is, but I still imagine it will take a long time to get there.

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Angelina's eyes glowed mystically (AN: metaphorically, of course) and she tugged at her hair in frustration and realization. “But I was summoned to the bridge, sirs.”

“You're a dirty liar!” raged Kirk. “We sent out no such order, miss Luna,” he spat.

"Rar I hate pretty girls! Rar!"

Correct "you're" though. Color me not-completely-outraged.

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Angela gasped. She could only see two possibilities in this situation.

1) Everyone was wrong but her.
2) Only she was right.

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One was that Kirk was lying to her in order to get her in trouble (which was something he would totally do. He was a horrible captain and deliberately went way out of his way just to victimize Angela.

Like that time he twirled is mustache and then tied her to the railroad track.

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and the other was that there was something strange going on.

DUM DUM DU-DUUUM!!!

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“Sir,” she began, holding herself up straight and glaring him in the eye, “In that case, it may be some sort of alien intelligence trying to manipulate me. I am, after all, the last of my race.

"There are no more sparkly purple star-dragon angel unicorn jedi ANYWHERE. I looked!"

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I'm a very valuable commodity in the right hands.

After the gold market crashed most of the galaxy switched over to a Mary-Sue-based economy.

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Now, that caught the good Mr. Spock's attention. He had always been very kind to Angela, unlike the rest of the bridge crew, and had been the one who had gotten her assigned to the Enterprise in the first place.

The Science Officer was in the habit of picking out all the engineers for the ship, in fact. No one thought to put someone with engineering knowledge on the job because none of the new hires could go more than a couple days without dying and Scotty did 99% of the work anyway.

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In a way, he reminded her of the Anakin she had in her dreams. She dreamed of him every night. Every time, he asked her to save his world. Lately, Anakin had becoming more and more similar to Spock.

Wow, is this story really going to go there? Because damn.

Also if she is talking about movie Spock I gotta say those dreams would scare the shit out of me.
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Creeeeeee-piiiiiiiiie~

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Spock looked up. “Captain, this may be exactly what's happening. I have sensed psychic tendrils in my mind as well. Being a touch telepath, they do not affect me as strongly as they would a full telepath like Ms. Luna here.”

Touch telepaths were often looked down upon by their peers; the smell telepaths, hear telepaths, and see telepaths. Still, they were better off than the taste telepaths, nobody liked them.

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That might also explain why he was invading her dreams. That would be a much nicer explanation than the one she was thinking... that she was in love.

God forbid, then this action-packed plot would become about romance. Ugh.

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But... what if the reason Anakin and Spock were becoming intertwined in her mind was because they were the same person? Spock had many characteristics that reminded her strongly of Anakin.

They are going there!
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OH SHI-

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and After all, Anakin Skywaler had disappeared years ago.

The Skywalers are well respected family with history going back for centuries. Their great ancestors were highly honored for being about to hunt down the mighty Sky Whales.

Hot Cancer wrote:

I'll need to be in a specific frame of mind to look at that (ie. drunk or off my shit on cocaine).

Same here.

Needless to say, I suspect, that a new Seperatist weapon is being constructed that will change the course of the war, in favour of the Seperatist faction, & it's first target is Naboo...
Mind you, does the Star Trek Universe, even have Droids...?

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she wanted to command the Enterprise so she could find her one true love Anakin Skywalker, who was out there somewhere in Naboo, which was located somewhere in Bajor.

IN Bajor? You mean in the Bajoran system, yes? In any case that leaves me to wonder whether or not the Dominion annexed Naboo for a while too.

And now I'm imagining bits at the start of The Phantom Menace with Weyoun and Dukat instead of Viceroy Fuckface.

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“You're a dirty liar!” raged Kirk. “We sent out no such order, miss Luna,” he spat.

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Words. There are none. I must resort to crude emoticons instead.

D:

So now I will cling desperately to the hope that this is a troll. I mean, the spelling and grammar don't really match up to the terrible plot and characterization and canon rape, right? Right??





*sob*

Adagio wrote:

So now I will cling desperately to the hope that this is a troll. I mean, the spelling and grammar don't really match up to the terrible plot and characterization and canon rape, right? Right??

Pray that's the case; the alternative is too terrifying to contemplate. Literate fanbrats. Next thing you know, you'll be halfway through what the spelling told you would be a good fic, only for it to become Leglas pregnant with Will Turner's baby.

Must be a troll. MUST be! No one can actually think this is a good story. So far, she's managed to make EVERY SINGLE canon character a bitch or a bastard.

Ugh, this kind of Suage is just horrible.

EDIT: Oh noez! Someone's told on us:

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phantomlinker2
2010-01-22 . chapter 1
See what people are saying about your story...

/new-releases-f1/the-lunatic-saga-star-wars-collides-with-star-trek-in-a-shower-of-purple-glitter-t1351.htm

Well, let's hope she'll learn something. At least her spelling is good. What a waste. Let's hope she starts writing better stuff soon, she's wasted on trollage. Then again, if you can write that kind of Sue into existence...

Alrighty, sorry for the break guys, I was a bit busy not being blown away yesterday. Damn wind. ><

We start back with Chapter 3! Angelina is working with Scotty on the Enterprise. I don't know why this is called Star Wars? Oh, yeah, Anakin.

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"Okay Angelina, remember that we're supposed to adjust fuel expenditures along this corresponding sine wave," said Scotty in his Scottish accent with a hint of passive-aggressive cruelty.

Wow, trigonometry is passive-aggressive... I should have known that!

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He didn't understand Angelina at all- he was a stupid, inconsiderate basement-dweller who ate nothing but his mother's bagel bites and obsessed over all these engineering details that meant absolutely nothing.

Yay! They have Bagel Bites in the future!

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"I better not have gotten any oil on my pretty pink Hollister shirt," she muttered.

Does a pink shirt mean she'll die faster? Please?

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She hated how all they did was just look at her as if she was some kind of object to be won fishsticks which walked on two legs.

Fixed that for ya.

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Uhura was a bitch and got in the way of everything Angelina wanted- she wanted to command the Enterprise so she could find her one true love Anakin Skywalker, who was out there somewhere in Naboo, which was located somewhere in Bajor.

Either Naboo's reeeeeally tiny, or Bajor is HUGE.

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Angelina slapped Uhura in the face. "You whore!" she exclaimed.

Oh, now things are picking up--catfight!

And onto Chapter 4, since this was just a self-serving chapter which explained how everyone (except Uhura and Scotty--damn those canon characters) loved Angelina and how preciously perfect she was. *sigh*

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“You're a dirty liar!” raged Kirk. “We sent out no such order, miss Luna,” he spat.

Oh no he DIDN'T!

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I am, after all, the last of my race. I'm a very valuable commodity in the right hands.

I hear Sue-dust is going for 50 strips of latinum on the black market. >.>

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He gave me a private smirk when he knew nobody else was looking.

OSNAP! Confirmation of a self-insert too. :O I know, you're all shocked.

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That might also explain why he was invading her dreams. That would be a much nicer explanation than the one she was thinking... that she was in love.

Uh! But doesn't unwanted invasion=love? I'm so confused by Suethors.

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But... what if the reason Anakin and Spock were becoming intertwined in her mind was because they were the same person?

Oh fucking shit... she didn't... *reads ahead* Crap.

kleine_kat wrote:

EDIT: Oh noez! Someone's told on us:

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phantomlinker2
2010-01-22 . chapter 1
See what people are saying about your story...

/new-releases-f1/the-lunatic-saga-star-wars-collides-with-star-trek-in-a-shower-of-purple-glitter-t1351.htm

Except the phantom linker fuckered up. Looks like FFN ate part of the link.

Coming soon, to a Pay Per View channel near you, "Mary Sue" Vs General Grievous...?
Mind you, on a more serious note, the idea of a Clone Wars/Classic Star Trek crossover might have worked, given the correct premise (for example: the Bajoran Wormhole somehow brings in a Seperatist invasion fleet, which then proceeds to invade a Cardassian occupied Bajor), but I have the feeling that this is going to be a epic mess...

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(A/N: This chapter we find out what's really going on! Also my friend asked me to put more romance stuff in so I did. ^_^)

Romance being basically the only plot prior to this was just not enough!!

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Just then the ship ground to a halt very suddenly. Uhura tripped against her console and fell on her butt.

*laugh track*

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"We appear to be being scanned, Captain," said Spock, tearing his eyes away from Angelina.

“We must be in Start Trek, because I have been scanning you all evening.”

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"Quadriphasic energy signatures are appearing on the bridge, Captain!"

~Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
Thats the way we do things, lad, we're making shit up as we wish
The Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we just make some shit up~

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Angelina started. Quadriphasic energy? That was the silly technical term for the Force.

Something to do with mitochorians and angry fanboys or something like that.

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But no-one had been able to use that in a long time.

I suppose if Start Trek is set in the future and Star Wars is set “a long time ago” this might be true enough.

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Angelina awoke confusedly in a featureless white void. The first thing she noticed was that Spock was next to her. The second thing she noticed was that he wasn't wearing any clothes, and neither was she. She might have been embarassed, but

She had a perfect Sue-body. Embarrassment is for ugly chicks!

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as always, Spock made her feel safe...and looking at him in this state made her feel unusually warm.

Awww, all the bloods are going to her girl-parts~

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She gently touched his

*inhales*

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shoulder

Poopie.

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Spock's mind was very muddled, not calm like usual. He had told her about pon farr, perhaps this was it?

Spock: RAEP TIME NAO!
Luna: Eeeeek!

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Angelina hesitantly took his hand to give her courage. It stiffened in hers.

Ah, “hand” is it?

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"Greetings, Prince and Princess." They both jumped at the voice and turned to look at it. It was a beautiful woman with long raven-black hair, dressed in white, floating in midair and smiling at them.
"Where are we and who are you?" Spock demanded angrily, moving to shield Angelina in heroic fashion.

“We already have one Sue, go the fuck away and bug some other fandom!”

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"I am Galaxina, Mistress of the Force.

Not to be confused with Galaxia from Sailor Moon.

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I have brought you both here to tell you of your important destiny."
"And what would that be?" Spock asked suspiciously.
"Why, to merge your souls and give birth to the child that will bring balance to the Force and save the Federation," Galaxina said smilingly.

Like, duh, guys.

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"Why us? We know nothing of the Force," he said strongly.
"Ah, but once you did, and soon you shall again...Anakin."

OMG WHAT A TWEEST!

Psssh, do not make it too easy for them or anything, Nih.

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(A/N I changed the raiting to M because THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET STEAMY!!!!)

YES! Finally bad porn to mock!

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"What the $%£! just happened?" asked Angelina confusedly.

Oh, do not worry, I am sure absolutely nothing will be explained and in the end it will not make any difference at all!

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Spock blinked and Angelina felt very frightened.

Spock had a blink that could topple mountains!

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"Angelina," he sighed. "I think we have a special destiny, one that has been foretold. But... but I don't know who I am anymore."

Um, duh, the beautiful Galaxy monster said you were Anakin. Deal.

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A single tear rolled down his cheek

I <3 this fanbrat. Really I do.

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The fate of the universe rested on they're shoulders.

Damnit, you were doing so good with homonyms too!

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Angelina wrapped her arms around the stricken Vulcan. "We will make this work, my love, we have a universe to save!"

Wait, what about the planet you had to save?

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Then they were kissing again and Angelina felt the ancient power flowing through her body.

*SPOILER ALERT* She means “sperm.”

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Her true love kissed her back passionately and soon they were on the bed. It felt just like in her dreams.

Numb and a little confused. Also she grew a penis at random.

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"This is my first time," Angelina said shakily.

Because I am an ultra pure Sue and some shit.

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Angelina had never felt so turned on in her life!!

OMG I GET TO HAVE SEX!! EEEeeeeEEEEE!

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As they undressed she admired Spock's body... he was so sexy and muscular. His body was toned and smooth. She kissed his pointy ears.

Oh, eww, do you have any idea where those have been. Because I do.

Inside Kirk's penis.

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And then they were doing it.

Yey- IT! I sure do love IT.

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It hurt a little bit at first, but it felt AMAZING.

The pain just boggled the mind!

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She felt so close to Spock.

Inside him, even.

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And then the weirdest thing happened. It felt as though their two souls were joining together... just like it was foretold!

By that one lady a few minutes ago.

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The Force flowed through both of their bodies together and they were connected physically

Ew, sounds like a medical problem.

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She looked at Spock's face but instead of his it was the face she had seen in her dreams. That tousled hair... those luscious lips... those piercing eyes... Spock had turned into

Beck!

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Anakin!
As quickly as it had happened she saw Spock again, lying on top of her.

All 300 hundred pounds of him.

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"What is wrong?" he said worriedly. "Did I hurt you?"
"No... no I just... that was beautiful. It was always destined to happen."

LIE BY OMISSION.

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Angelina grew used to the way that he would turn into Anakin when they did it. She didn't mind. It was part of who Spock was.

Oh really? And if he turned in Torgo you would still be cool with it?

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And then... two days after that fateful night, the night when they first did it, something weird happened.
Spock became all ill. He was being sick all the time and he was really tired.

OH noes! He has the Sue-sickness!

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"I don't know how this could possibly be," he said seriously.

“I mean, I have seen some weird-ass shit in my time as a space-doctor, but DAMN,

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Instinctively, the couple grabbed eachother's hands.
Bones sighed again.
"Mr Spock, you're pregnant."

This is the correct direction to go with this.

I am unable to find adequate words to express my feelings towards this story, and must resort to emoticons:

Also: Chapter 7.

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For one confused moment she thought Anakin has stepped in to save her, clocking Scotty across the back of the head and felling him instantly. But it was not Anakin, it was not even Spock. It was that short guy from the bridge. Chekov.

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Chekov grinned. "Why, dear Angelina Luna, you are now a space wampire, a true dark angel of the moonlight."

Someone snark this frsrs. The second Babylon 5 was brought into it I think my brain broke.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Also: Chapter 7.

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For one confused moment she thought Anakin has stepped in to save her, clocking Scotty across the back of the head and felling him instantly. But it was not Anakin, it was not even Spock. It was that short guy from the bridge. Chekov.

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Chekov grinned. "Why, dear Angelina Luna, you are now a space wampire, a true dark angel of the moonlight."

Someone snark this frsrs. The second Babylon 5 was brought into it I think my brain broke.

(Bolding mine) Finally, a place to call out the wambulance. Huh? How else will we deal with a wampire?

What in the ever loving world/space/galaxy/whatever. I know this is going to end up a Twilight crossover as well. I can feel it. The tendrils of mind power are making their way through my oh so surprised miind. WTF? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I think it's time to resurrect the "I'll be over there drinking myself numb/smoking crack/shooting whatever/sporking my eyes out/hitting myself with a hammer until I pass out/etc. if anyone wants to join me" corner. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I'm just going to leave this here...