Lord of the Rings and... Twilight. What could possibly go wrong?

So, FF.Net has the awesome new system for sorting crossovers, and I just had to see what LotR had gotten mixed with. Several million Harry Potter ones, as to be expected, Titanic? How’d they figure that? And TWILIGHT? There’s two of them, so I had to snark one.

The Forgotten Lake by Chlorinda

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My 1st Fanfic, a merge of 2 of my favourite stories. Pardon if I had gotten some things wrong but I haven't re-read either books recently so certain facts may have been wrongly recalled. But then again, you can treat this as a whole new story in itself:

Yup. We're off to a great start here guys.

Now, I've never read Twilight, and I don't plan on it. So, I can't tell which Sues and Stus are original to the author and which are original to Twilight, and I don't care.

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Chapter 1: Lost

They had been hiking along for days, yet they were not even close to realizing where they are.

Thankfully they weren’t humans, Ruby thought to herself, or they would already been weakened by hunger.

So, humans are the only creatures that get hungry?

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Seth walked wearily beside her. But it wasn’t because he was tired. It probably was more out of boredom than anything.

“It’s weird to know that one can actually feel grateful when trapped in such a situation.” Adam muttered, so softly that Ruby almost missed out on his speech.

Here's a question for the ages: if a character talks and no one's around to hear him, was what he said important to the plot?

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Ruby exhaled and smiled at the same time. It was always great to have Adam around. Unlike Edward who may unintentionally ‘stumbled’ upon your personal thoughts, Adam’s gift was that he was blessed with the ability to sense the emotions of those around him.

It was great. Whenever the animals had anything wrong with them, Adam was able to tell it straightaway that they are in discomfort.

Great, is he a vet or something? Dr. Doolittle's cousin?

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Esme had been very supportive of her keeping animals back at home while the others had disapproved. It was bad enough that they sometimes had to resist the urge to attack humans, but it was worse that they had to put up with animals conveniently situated at home.

Was that just an animal rights speech, or am I misunderstanding something?

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But Ruby could not tear herself away from thee stray dogs that she chanced upon. Moreover, she had done her part by housing them away from the main house as far as possible, in vampire terms.

Oh, right, they're vampires. Wait, I'm confused. What has this got to do with pets? Are the pets in danger of being eaten? I thought vampires ate humans. How does resisting attacking humans and having a pet pooch have anything to do with each other?

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How she missed them.

She stopped in her tracks when she realized Adam had stilled. Looking ahead, she understood why. It was a clearing of some sort. A small one, but nevertheless, the sunlight shone through.

A clearing. So, we can rule out Mirkwood. Perhaps Fangorn or one of the many other heavily wooded areas in Middle-earth.

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“It’s alright, I don’t think there will be humans passing by this area anyway. Nobody will see it. Besides, we would have sensed it from way off before they could even reach us, right?” Seth argued. “I don’t want to have to re-route just to avoid the clearing!”

I don't get it, why the stealth?

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As usual, Seth demonstrated his impatience, a typical characteristic that accompanies the young ones. He would have been 18 if he were still a normal human though he already looked like he is 25.

Wait, isn't that the opposite way that the immortal-vampire thing works? Aren't you supposed to look younger than you are? Is it somehow different for Twilight vampires? I'm confused.

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“He’s right, you know.” Ruby said.

Adam tilted his head in thought for awhile, before moving forward.

They were halfway through the clearing, with Seth who avoided looking at his two companions due to the way the sun reflected off their skin. The sight of it had looked amazing and pleasant at first, but the novelty had worn off awhile later when he realized that looking at the brightness of it hurt his eyes a lot. Suddenly, he started growling.

Wait, Twilight vampires growl? That's actually kinda cool. Doesn't trump the sparkles, but that's kinda badass.

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It was not due to fear. He had sensed something nearby and it was not human. The sound was getting louder. Like dozens of footsteps pounding.

Orcs, let it be orcs!

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Adam and Ruby concentrated on the trees ahead of them and waited for whatever it is to appear. It must be massive as the ground under them trembled ever so slightly.

“Seth, get back here. You wouldn’t want to be knocked unconscious by whatever it is and miss out on the fun, would you?” Adam joked, always one to find humour in all sorts of situation.

Seth, who had already transformed into his wolf form,

Twilight sullies werewolves too? *sigh*

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Finally, the intruders burst into sight. And a sight it was!

I don't know, what sort of sight was it?

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‘Filthy, gruesome, drooling and snarling. . . what?’ Ruby thought, lacking a noun to call their attackers. She could easily think up of a few other choice words to describe the creatures but what exactly are they?

Author, you couldn't describe them normally, could you. You just had to switch the narrator's POV. Oh well. At least we'll get some action scene, right?

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Whatever they are, they clearly are not intellectually-gifted. For although they charged at the three surprised onlookers with brute force, there was only strength and nothing else. No strategy, no plan, no organization in this surprised encounter.

I must disagree. Tolkien pictured his orcs are quite intelligent, just in an evil, corrupted way.

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There were not more than twenty creatures that assaulted them. And even so, they were quickly put to rest by Adam and Seth, leaving Ruby with just a few to deal with.

Past tense? Aren't we gunna get some action scenes? Com'on! Do something interesting with the narrative here!

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A swift and easy twist of the neck and the last one fell dead at her feet.

“What on earth…?” Ruby trailed off.

Lemme guess. Ruby is the one original to her. How much you wanna bet that this is our Sue?

This:

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By then, Seth had already changed back to his human form, unable to tolerate the lack of communication with his friends while he was a wolf. He was excitedly rattled about how much faster he was able to bring the attackers down and how he had not been through that much action since….. his voice trailed off despite none of his comrades paying attention to him.

and this:

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Ruby looked questioningly at Adam who was sniffing in the air. “They must have been attacked before they met us. Look at their fresh wounds.” Adam pointed out. “They must have been running away from something. I don’t know… I could only sense fear… And hunger” Adam added.

It must have went on for quite awhile but Seth finally realized that no one was even listening to him. What amused him, however, was that his two vampire friends were staring intently at the dead creatures lying around them.

confuse me. When did he stop talking?

Continued in next post.

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Unbeknownst to them, a figure that had witnessed it all slipped back into the shadows where the trees lovingly enveloped his presence.

Enter blond pretty elf, in:
3...
2...
1...

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King Thranduil sat down with as much grace and pride as he could muster. For a split second, he pondered if a human ruler facing similar problems such as his would actually slump down on the chair.

Why? Why would he be the slightest bit curious how a human ruler would react? Why would he think of humans when wondering what to do, and not another famous Elven King with a great underground fortress?

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The orc problem was weighing on him enough and yet his scouts had reported a new sighting of three intruders in the Woodland Realm.

Intruders that sparkled. That couldn't be healthy.

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Thinking that they were men who unwittingly stumbled into the Realm, Thranduil had considered sending one of the scouts to deliver a plain and simple warning and set them on a direction out of his land to have one lesser problem to worry about. But things have just gotten complicated.

So, tell us! How have things gotten complicated?

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For, as Erurost had witnessed, their movements had been swift and their actions, deadly. For mere humans to take down 20 orcs within a short time was no easy task. Adding to the shock was Erurost’s startling observation that one of them had turned into a wolf-like creature in a blink of the eye.

Yup. They're evil. Pure evil. Do us a favor, Thranduil, and slaughter them before they go to Rivendell.

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Instructions had been given to the Scouts to continue the surveillance more carefully than before. There was nothing more to be said, since only time, and more observation, could tell what they are up to.

Thranduil was beginning to wonder other than orcs, what other Evil lurks in the forest?

Spiders, the occasional troll, the Necromancer, sparkling vampires, and millions of Mary Sues (each with their own private meadow, of course)...

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Absent-mindedly, Thranduil scratched his chin in thought when someone entered the room. Troubled as he was, Thranduil could not stop the smile from spreading across his face.

Wow. All that's missing from this scene is the cat named "Mr. Bigglesworth".

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“Adar!” the Prince shouted. However, all traces of his smile disappeared when Thranduil noticed the serious look on the Prince’s face.

“It’s about Gollum.” Thranduil stated, for that could be the only valid explanation for Legolas’ pale and solemn face as his son could only look downwards and nod his head.

“Revolting” Adam said, before Seth could even ask.

Wait; what? Did they get into Thranduil's caves, and we just didn't notice it? Or, is there a transition that's missing?

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“Does that make you less of a vampire now? I’ve never seen you guys turn away from the sight of blood just like that!” Seth said excitedly, snapping his fingers to emphasize his point.

“That isn’t important. The main thing now is where on earth are we? Much as I know about Esme’s understandable and forgiving nature, she would be still capable of making us feel guilty and ashamed for missing school for almost a week!”

I'm about ready to give up. What the hell is going on here? I can't make head or tails out of it!

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Ruby clenched her fist at the thought of a worried-looking Esme. Her other 6 adopted siblings were bound to be off on some lovey-dovey excursions, whereas Carlisle would have been busy at the hospital as usual. Even Renesme was always off with Jacob on some random hunting trips. Adam and Ruby were the only ones who were always around accompanying Esme at home since they are still attending school whereas the rest have already graduated.

Are those really the names of canon characters in Twilight? I hope not. I don't care enough to check.

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Her thoughts were abruptly cut off when she realized Adam and Seth were arguing.

“You already smell like a wet dog, I didn’t know it could get any worse!” Adam teased.

“Well, you aren’t any better! You smell like some vain little flower pot who had gone way overboard on perfume! I thought it’d do you some good to get into the lake before we started hunting!” retorted Seth.

Boys! Ruby thought, and rolled her eyes.

Stop catfighting, and start making out already!

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She had pitied Seth because at least she and Adam did not require any rest at all, whereas Seth who was aware of this fact, had continuously pushed himself to the limit so that they may cover more distance and hopefully stumble upon familiar scent that they had left earlier.

The whole trip was a mess. They never should have left familiar territory; they never should have left Forks.

You can say that again. I don't want you anywhere near my fandom.

Next paragraph:

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“Let them.” Thranduil ordered.

Huh? When did we go back to Thranduil? I'm going to get whiplash if you continue with these transitionless POV changes.

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“My Lord that would mean risking the entire village!” his loyal subject, Sivia insisted.

“Do you not trust our soldiers then?” Thranduil questioned, with a gleam in his eye.

Red with embarrassment, Sivia answered confidently, but in a softer voice “Of course I do, my Lord.”

So, she doesn't trust the soldiers?

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Thranduil respected Sivia. He had been a great aid to the King and the people. The fact that SIvia was not one to disobey or to openly express disappointment at the King’s many decisions made Thranduil appreciate this particular Elf even more, for Thranduil is a proud King and would do it his way despite protests, as long as he sees it as for the good of his people.

Wait, Sivia's MALE? :roflmao:

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Having one less elf who disagrees with you would mean one less to convince. But yet this does not mean Sivia had never defied the King before.

However, Sivia had his own way of indirectly expressing himself, such as the way he took his leave. Thranduil chuckled to himself as he recalled when he had just ascended the throne and insisted that he should not have personal guards who shadow his every move. Fearing for the King’s safety, Sivia had been unhappy about it and promptly sent a selected few of the elite elves in to ‘show’ that the palace was not completely safe to prove his point.

It was after this incident that Thranduil saw Sivia as more than just a loyal subject. He was a crafty and loyal subject, for the good of the King.

And all of this had what to do with the plot?

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The news that Erurost had sent back yesterday was not well-received by many.

The 3 intruders had traveled much faster than he thought, and were apparently heading towards the nearest village almost as if they knew there was a settlement there. Such a strange and accurate sense of direction would not have been possible without a scout, yet as Erurost had stated very clearly that there were none, unless they had ways to communicate with a scout without him returning to them at all.

Oh, you mean, like, following a trail? Genius sense of direction needed there all right.

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The King had to be consulted on whether the village should be abandoned.

Yes. Get your people away from there as fast as possible. You haven't seen an evil like this before.

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Other than hunting down a few animals every few days, there was not much trouble stirred up by them.

In-between, attacks by orcs were still as per normal, unpredictable, random and annoying (as Legolas puts it).

I'm confused. When did Legolas say that? Why was it important that Legolas was the one to say that? Why isn't Legolas rushing to Rivendell to let everyone know that Gollum has escaped?

Let's see, according to her Author's Note:

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A/N: Hi all. Thank you for even reading this fic. Seriously. I mean… I uploaded this with the intention that I would be really glad enough if one or two readers would even read faithfully chapter by chapter. To answer Selene’s question, the story is actually set before the War of the Ring, since in Chap 1, Gollum had only just escaped. But knowing that LOTR actually took place over many, many years, I’m assuming that there is a large amount of time that lapsed between Gollum’s escape and when the Council of the Ring was finally held.

Well, let's see. Gollum escapes June 20th, 3018 of the Third Age. The Council of Elrond takes place on October 25th, 3018. It is roughly 300 miles as the bird flies from Rivendell to Mirkwood. Great amount of time there, yessiree. No great urgency to alert Gandalf and Elrond that Gollum has escaped, possibly with the help of Orcs. Nosireebob.

The good news? It's probably not going to have anyone joining the fellowship. The bad news is that it's eleven chapters long, and the story hasn't progressed much beyond where it ends at the first chapter. I almost wish that they would join the fellowship so I'd be less bored with this incomprehensible mishmash of POV changes, endless dialogue, and random monologues in peoples’ heads which have no impact or influence on the plot.

Garo 'lass!

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Oh, right, they're vampires. Wait, I'm confused.
What has this got to do with pets? Are the pets in danger of being
eaten? I thought vampires ate humans. How does resisting attacking
humans and having a pet pooch have anything to do with each other?

The Cullens (the adoptive family of vampires in Twilight who the vampire characters here have apparently been added to) are "vegetarian" vampires - they only drink the blood of nonsentient animals. Each one seems to have an animal they particularly like the taste of, mostly predators - I think Edward's is mountain lion and the big guy whose name I forget likes bear (yes, they kill endangered North American species because they taste nice).

More to follow, possibly - this story looks like it might lead to an epic review (and probably another BAWWfest), and I'd like to get some more of Steve of the Rings written today.

The canon characters are only mentioned in passing. It frightens me that I know this much about them, considering I haven't read the books and never will (blame Lysander's brilliant snark), but here goes:

Edward=Creepy, stalker sparkly vampire. The male lead of the Twilight books.

Renesme=Edward's hellish drop with klutzy, annoying female lead Bella. Renesme is also possibly the worst Mary Sue in all of human history.

Jacob=Pedowolf. Had the hots for Bella, before he "bonded" with Renesme. The day she was born

Mentioning Jacob and The Hellspawn together suggests this would be some time after the Twilight books, I guess. Leaving aside the Twilight books take place on Normal Earth instead of Middle Earth, of course.

I_Lam_Edhellen wrote:

Now, I've never read Twilight, and I don't plan on it. So, I can't tell which Sues and Stus are original to the author and which are original to Twilight, and I don't care.

Speaking as someone who's snarked Twilight very much in depth . . . I'm honestly a little confused myself. I remember Seth - who was what Jacob could have been in a decent series - but who the fuck are Ruby and Adam? Are they OCs, or did the author pick them out of the bevy of vampires who are suddenly introduced in the last 3rd of Breaking Dawn? I think they're OCs, but I'm still confused and unmotivated to check.

I think it's the way this story begins. Somehow, before the beginning of the first chapter, these two ended up becoming vampires, meeting, joining the Vampire Brady Bunch, befriending a local werewolf, and teleporting to Mirkwood, and we don't get one single fucking word to explain any of this.

And on the other side, who the fuck is Sivia, and why does s/he have an extremely non-elf sounding name?

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Titanic? How’d they figure that?

LOL -- Titanic! You should check that one out and bring us a report.

Randy wrote:

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Titanic? How’d they figure that?

LOL -- Titanic! You should check that one out and bring us a report.

I almost feel like checking it out and bringing a report, but I fear for my sanity.

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Lord of the Rings and... Twilight. What could possibly go wrong?

Damn near everything, that's what.

You know, I wonder how vampires might have been, if they were in Tolkien's world. Not the Twilight sparklepires, mind you, because they don't fit very well into anything, including their own series, but more traditional, "proper" vampires who shun sunlight because it hurts them and not because it makes them sparkle like diamonds...

I can see vampires as minor allies of Sauron, maybe originally low-ranking beings in Morgoth's army or possibly results of the experiments of evil people, like orcs; more powerful but less numerous than the orcs and probably not as easy to organize in an army -- which would explain why we didn't see much of them in the War of the Ring.

Or something. After all, there are many creatures in Tolkien's Middle-Earth that have characteristics that are similar to vampires (particularly the "shunning sunlight" bit, which is almost required for evil creatures in Middle-Earth), so it's not that far-fetched.

I refuse to believe that any of the vampires, if they had existed, would have been called "Adam," though.

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You know, I wonder how vampires might have been, if they were in Tolkien's world.

Read the Silmarillion and find out. Thuringwethil shunned light and wore some kind of concealing bat-cloak. She was thoroughly creepy.

Hmm, don't remember that one, but I'll admit that I just skimmed most of the Silmarillion... interesting stories and all that, but man how dry and dull the writing got.

The Silmarillion wasn't really intended for publishing; Tolkien wrote it to help himself get down the basics of the universe. It was published after his death by his son.

Thuringwethil is actually a giant bat. That is Tolkien's version of vampires. Big, ugly, bats. Not very sparkly, are they?

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The Silmarillion wasn't really intended for publishing; Tolkien wrote it to help himself get down the basics of the universe. It was published after his death by his son.

Then that goes triple for the twelve books of the HoME. Those are all author's notes and early drafts.

I_Lam_Edhellen wrote:

The Silmarillion wasn't really intended for publishing; Tolkien wrote it to help himself get down the basics of the universe. It was published after his death by his son.

Thuringwethil is actually a giant bat. That is Tolkien's version of vampires. Big, ugly, bats. Not very sparkly, are they?

So kind've like this

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Actually, I think it's closer to something like this:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Aieee! Full frontal!

Yay! Full frontal!

Where's its penis?

Well, Thuringwethil is female...

In that case, where are the boobies?

Some women are more gifted that others.

I_Lam_Edhellen wrote:

Well, Thuringwethil is female...

Fine, where's its vulva?

The Maiar have no vulvae -- unless they feel the need for them. *

Now I'm wondering about Gandalf . . .

*I'm speaking facetiously, in case anyone wonders.

Keith Fraser wrote:

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Oh, right, they're vampires. Wait, I'm confused.
What has this got to do with pets? Are the pets in danger of being
eaten? I thought vampires ate humans. How does resisting attacking
humans and having a pet pooch have anything to do with each other?

The Cullens (the adoptive family of vampires in Twilight who the vampire characters here have apparently been added to) are "vegetarian" vampires - they only drink the blood of nonsentient animals. Each one seems to have an animal they particularly like the taste of, mostly predators - I think Edward's is mountain lion and the big guy whose name I forget likes bear (yes, they kill endangered North American species because they taste nice).

More to follow, possibly - this story looks like it might lead to an epic review (and probably another BAWWfest), and I'd like to get some more of Steve of the Rings written today.

Lysander's snark said the big one was Emmet or some stupid name like that, but I wouldn't know for sure.