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 Needs a proofread...and possibly a trip to the recycle bin. Naruto 'fans' beware.

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Kakashifan727
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PostSubject: Needs a proofread...and possibly a trip to the recycle bin. Naruto 'fans' beware.   Mon Oct 20, 2014 3:06 pm

Alright, gonna be a little honest here. I tired reading this story quite a while back; couldn't make it past ch5. Even the first chapter had me upset with it's blatant canon-rape; for willing suspense of disbelief just...no. So I wrote a negative review; dude responded in one of the most childest ways, and we did settle things through PMs. Still I ain't bashing this story because of any personal hate I have for the guy; he could be okay if he worked on his English and those goddamn author's notes. No. This is to show that Ff.net really doesn't give a shit about what people put onto their site. It's rated M, yet by ch3 it has incestual sex and other weird things. I honestly gave up. Seriously, it's from 2011 and has almost 3000 reviews. And with that, here we go. His other story has about 2000 reviews and is the same premise. The sequel is not that old and has 1000 reviews and it seems to be a crossover.

[quote]Way of the Rattlesnake
They took everything from him. And what remains when everything is gone? Vengeance. And nothing will stop him from getting his revenge. Nothing! A true saga of betrayal starts now![/quote]

Great, just from the title I can tell it's going to be one of those dark Naruto fics. If they're going to do this, just make Sasuke the MC for gods sake. But this is just the summary; it's gets worse inside.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Welp, I'm dumb. When did Ff.net change it so that you can't copy/paste anymore? Seriously, just read it. I'll find a way to fix this in the meantime.

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PostSubject: Re: Needs a proofread...and possibly a trip to the recycle bin. Naruto 'fans' beware.   Mon Oct 20, 2014 4:15 pm

Quote :
Way of the Rattlesnake
They took everything from him. And what remains when everything is gone? Vengeance. And nothing will stop him from getting his revenge. Nothing! A true saga of betrayal starts now!

Wait, this is Naruto shit? Description like this, it needs Colt SAAs, not the hand jive
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Kakashifan727
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PostSubject: Re: Needs a proofread...and possibly a trip to the recycle bin. Naruto 'fans' beware.   Mon Oct 20, 2014 5:11 pm

Serious. It's one of those hard edgy Naruto stories. I honestly don't mind the idea, but it's barely executed well. I want to parody the idea of Darkuto sometime, but not yet. It has stupid Naruto has a sibling thing (that he later fucks), shit parents, abandonment, and everyone else who isn't Naruto is just dumb or killed off for the authors sake. I honestly dunno if it gets better, but I gave up. Plus the guy does insult me in some of his obnoxious AN's; those things are often longer and 'better' than the actual chapters.

I'd love to copy-paste one of two of them since they are so insane and nonsensical. I mean, he gets into arguments with the characters of his fic, some wrestler ppl he's a fan of, and other insane shit.
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PostSubject: Re: Needs a proofread...and possibly a trip to the recycle bin. Naruto 'fans' beware.   Tue Oct 21, 2014 6:47 pm

Quote :
Darthemius (Sighing): It's just… Why do I always attract crazy bitches? I mean, can't I get a nice girly girl, who wear pink and likes to cuddle and have stuffed toys…

Because you're a sociopath who talks to people who don't exist. Oh, and according to you, you have no morals.

You're right Kakashi, his AN's are better than the story. I gave up halfway through the first chapter. I don't know how you would be able to snark this. I can feel myself getting dumber with every chapter. (Just reading the AN's. They can be kind of funny.)
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Kakashifan727
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PostSubject: Re: Needs a proofread...and possibly a trip to the recycle bin. Naruto 'fans' beware.   Tue Oct 21, 2014 7:26 pm

Wait, how did you copy the text? I could just type it out, but those goddamn ANs, ngh! Or I could try prnscn...then again the screen would be too fucking small for anyone to read. IS there some special method to it or am I just dumb?

Honestly, I used to try and read a lot of Naruto fanfic when I was younger. Now I just don't care anymore; the universe has potential but the main characters have been flanderized beyond belief and the fucking ending is going to be rushed for a movie. The most hyped fight has only been two chapters long, and the author intends to finish the story in five chapters, so there are only three left. Fuck SJ and fuck money--it turned a good series into an okay one into utter shit. Goddamn it. At least I have toonami for my animu fix these days.
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PostSubject: Re: Needs a proofread...and possibly a trip to the recycle bin. Naruto 'fans' beware.   Fri Oct 31, 2014 7:48 am

If you don't use Firefox, ask TheIan, he knows how to do it. If you use Firefox, ther is a plugin that allows to copy text off any page. You could also check and see if your browser has a similar plugin.
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PostSubject: Re: Needs a proofread...and possibly a trip to the recycle bin. Naruto 'fans' beware.   Sat Nov 01, 2014 7:52 am

Or you could just right click on the page and select View Page Source
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PostSubject: Re: Needs a proofread...and possibly a trip to the recycle bin. Naruto 'fans' beware.   Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:57 pm

[quote]I think I got it...Get your alcohol ready; we're doing two chapters. But first, I'm only going to post the author's notes for a few chapters; doing all of them would be a waste of space and sanity. But they are mostly the same in context; aside from the couple where he assualts me for actually providing criticism. I'm not editing anything out either. We're all gonna experience this pain together.

Quote :
Darthemius: Aaaaaand I'm back again! Did you miss me? I guess not since I officially ended first season of EHD last night. Now while I write the second one I'd like to present you with my recent creation! If you liked last one, I'm sure you'll like this one as well.
There will be no sunglasses, no real world humor, no WWE catchphrases… no RKO… Yeah, I know you're crushed.
Also there will be no bashing, and yes, I think even Hinata fans will like what I'm gonna do.
Now before you read it I strongly suggest you find out who Jin Kisaragi is. It's a character of BlazBlue videogame series. The thing is, I made Naruto to look like him. Not the personality, just looks… well maybe a little personality. You'll get what I mean at the end of this chapter.

Great now you're slandering two halfway decent characters with your crossover bs. I don't like Jin from BB, and all those chars are just anime tropes, but this is...

Quote :
And if you know who he is… Well, I'm happy for you.

Also if you read "Everyone has darkness", you know that I write dark stories. And yep, this one is dark for sure. Another interesting moment is that this particular chapter was written in a very undarthemius-like fashion. Why? Simple, it's written from Naruto's point of view… well most of it at least…Okay, enough. Let's delay this no longer. The saga of betrayal starts now!

And after that useless, long ass note we get some story.

Chapter one: Birth of a traitor.
"Shin-ne!" – talks.
'Nah.' – thoughts.
"You will…"demonic/jutsu.

...

Quote :
"What a quiet night… I haven't seen the likes of those for a long time." Single young man said, looking down on the proud village of Konohagakure.
"And to think I called this place my home… what a sad thought. Oh, sorry I probably confused you. No, I'm not an old man; I just speak like that sometimes… Why am I here you ask? You want to hear my story then?"
Pause.
"Are you sure? It's not a fairy tale with a happy ending… Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you." He stated.
Great. I had enough emo with Sasuke; let's just do it to Naruto too, that'll make the cast more diverse. Dammit, it's one of those Dark!Naruto fics. It can only get better from here.

Quote :
"My name is Uzumaki Naruto… or my real name that is. Very few people know me by that name, most call me Jin Kisaragi, or Rattlesnake. Jin Kisaragi is my cover name and… why Rattlesnake? That's because I'm a traitor and slimy cunning son of a bitch. Nice self esteem you say? Maybe, but I'm a realist, and what I just said is a fact. I may not like it, but saying otherwise will be just lying to myself, and that's what I call stupid."
Soft wind blew in his face and Naruto closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation.
"Ah, wonderful night indeed…" He exclaimed. "Where was I, oh yes! Why would I need a cover name you ask? Well, it's because I'm a…" The young man sighed. "I guess we'll have to start from the beginning. You see, it all started from my imbecile of a father…"

Goddammit. Definite and Indefinite articles. Learn them. Use them. OR just learn English; many ppl who don't use a beta for this exact reason. Makes your work look like shit otherwise.

Quote :
Flashback. Thirteen years ago. Konohagakure no sato…

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!" Huge demonic beast roared.

"Stop this monster!" Some Konoha shinobi screamed.

"Don't let him get to the village!" Another added.

"Wait for Hokage-sama to arrive!"

How noble! People protecting their home and their loved ones with their lives! Touching, isn't it? Yeah, that's what I thought… at least for the first six years. But later about that… Right now let's see what was happening with the one those ninjas were depending on. Ah, there he is!
"Kushina, how are you!" Worried Namikaze Minato asked.

"Cough… I'm fine…" Woman answered despite her bleeding wounds. "But what should we do, Minato?"

"I… I can seal the demon in our child, but that will kill me…" The Yellow Flash of Konoha said reluctantly.

"Wait! There must be another way!" Kushina pleaded. "I don't want to lose you!"

"Another way…" Minato muttered. "Yes, there is one! I'll need your help for this. We will use the remains of our chakra to seal this beast in both Naruto and Tsubaki! This way no one will die, but…"

Ah, we seem to be going with the twins trope this time. I don't mind that in and of itself, but it's usually cliche and never done well, like here.

Quote :
"But?" Woman wondered.

"The yin-yang seal. The process will split Kyuubi's energy in two parts. So one of our children will get the light side… and the other must bear the dark…" Yondaime Hokage stated.

Oh, I forgot to tell you that bitch who once called me her child always wanted a girl… Guess who she chose for a sacrifice?

"I… I can't lose Tsubaki!" Kushina stated. "Naruto will bear the dark side."

Minato frowned. He wanted a son, yes, but Kushina was the dearest person in his life. "I understand dear…" He stated. "Now, on three! One, two…"

Of course, the parents are douchebags and they choose poor Naruto to be the victim. Where I have seen this before? EVERY NARUTO FIC EVER.

Quote :
"Three! Fuuinjutsu: Demonic Bind Seal!" They both screamed, followed by Kyuubi's desperate roar.

Poor thing! Just got out for a walk…

Author, do you find this type of sarcasm endearing? Do you want us to like Naruto for it? Well, it's fucking annoying and not witty at all.

Quote :
"Demonic Split!" Couple shouted once again, slamming their hands into children's belly. "Yin-Yang Seal!"
"It's done… we did it…" Minato said, losing consciousness.

"I… love… you…" Kushina whispered, doing the same.

Awww! How sweet! Parents protecting their children! What a lie, they did that to protect their fucking village. Oh, there I am by the way! Cutie, huh?

Anyway, people can tell whatever they want, but I know the truth of what happened next…

The next day. Konohagakure. Council chambers…

Drinking Game: Take a shot every time this guy shoehorns another common cliche or Naruot cliche, grammar or spelling error or canon-rape into this fucking disaster. I am not held accountable if this destroys your life or liver. then again, it's probably a better idea than reading this shit.

Quote :
"Kill the demon!"

Here we go. No, my dear daddy is not dead. Here he is; his fucking wife in tow with her fucking daughter in her arms. Yeah, I noticed I use many 'fucking' words. But you know… I can't refer to their family with any other word. Why did I say their family you ask?

"Kill this monster!" Enraged Inuzuka Tsume screamed. "I lost my husband to this beast!"

Simple really. You see, after consulting with his darling wife, my dear daddy said that he has sealed Nine Tailed Demon Fox in me… a newborn orphan. Yes, orphan. Is this really so surprising? I think not. My father was always a brash fool… and always listened to his wife. So he said that he sealed Kyuubi in me… and me alone. Of course he just 'accidentally' forgot to mention the 'other' half inside his darling daughter.

"We all lost someone, Tsume…" Nara Shikaku started. "But there's no reason to kill an innocent child."

"I have to agree with Shikaku on this one." Yamanaka Inoichi stated. "Child committed no sins. He should not be killed."

"I agree." Akimichi Choza added.

Think nothing about it. It's simply because he always followed his friends' example.

"I have a suggestion." Old man with bandaged arm and eye exclaimed.

The guy's name is Danzo, head of ROOT ANBU division. Take a guess what his suggestion was?

"Give the boy to me. I will raise a perfect weapon for Konoha from him."

Ding, ding, ding! Get a candy from the shelf!

"I will not allow this!" Sandaime Hokage stated.

Ah, good old jii-san! He just couldn't help but feel sorry for a helpless newborn child. He's trusting… too trusting if you ask me. But still, his decision has saved my life… that time at least, so I guess I still owe him one… nah, I'm just shitting you! I don't give a flying fuck about him!

How the hell would Naruto know this if he wasn't brought to the meeting? Screw it. Take another shot.

Quote :
"This child has saved all of your ungrateful lives!" Sarutobi Hiruzen shouted. "And you want to kill him for it?"

Well, daddy had enough at that moment. He disowned me, yes. But he also couldn't bear to watch his own son to be killed in front of his eyes.

"Killing is out of question." Minato said to Sarutobi's relief and to majority of the council's outrage. "Silence!" He quickly halted angry shouts. "We can not kill him. If we do that, Kyuubi will be released again."

That shut up those old morons alright. Was he telling the truth or not? How the fuck should I know? Never tried to experiment on that front…

"Then I see only two solutions…" Hiruzen continued. "Are there anyone who wishes to adopt the boy?"

Another guess?

"I see… Then the only solution is that he will go to the orphanage."

Yay, you guessed again! But it is now that I can look back at it and laugh… I sure as Hell wasn't laughing back then.

Quote :
Time skip. Four years later…

"Take that, you loser!" Some freak punched me in the face.

Why didn't I punch him back you ask? How about he was six years older?

"Ha! Lying in dirt serves you well!" He stated, mocking my fallen form.

"Why are you hitting me? What did I ever do to you?" I asked in desperation.

Why in desperation? That's because this guy was not the first one to do that to me. Of course daddy said that killing me is out of the question, but he never said anything about broken bones or bruised skin. Yep, beatings started as soon as I learned how to walk. Everyone wanted a turn, so now someone could hit me just because…

Why aren't you dead then? Demons cannot heal deadly injuries; aide from plot deus-ex machina healings.

Quote :
"Heh, everyone's beating you! I want to as well!" The bully replied.

Yep, good old jii-san managed to pass the law so no one was able to tell the younger generation about my problem. But it never stopped morons like that one to beat the shit out of me just because he could.


Bullshit. Anbu would be guarding the kid at least 12/7. They might not care about some things, like him being yelled at, but they would step in for shit like this. And it gets even worse. Prepare.

Quote :
Of course no one protected me, and jii-san could only spare that much time on me. Once a week at best… Beatings were everyday though. I tried to hide but they always found me. I trued to run, but they always catch up.

Surely I never knew why they did that. Jii-san's law affected me too, remember? But something got me wondered. Every time they hit me, every time they broke my arms, legs, or ribs, they healed in a matter of hours. A good nap and I'm just like a new! Cool huh? But that's not what amazed me the most. The more they hit me, the faster I healed. Day after day, my wounds started to close faster and faster. One time someone broke my arm. I almost didn't even feel that. All I did was shook my broken arm, getting bone into its rightful place… and next second my arm was alright.

Miracle you think? Oh, you should know better! There are no such things in this World…

One time however that was not enough…

Time 02:24. Konohagakure no sato. Some dark alleyway…

"Please… I beg you… just l-let me die already…" I pleaded with tears running down my face.

Pathetic, don't you think? Well, I could look at you with cut off legs, crucified arms and a kunai in your chest. My most pathetic moment…

AHAHAHAHA!!! This is bad, even for Sue levels. I don't care. I don't care about this 'pain' you're in. It'll heal anyways, so why should I give a fuck? Here's a hint; piling up trouble on trouble does not make your character endearing. There's a point where you need to stop.

Quote :
"Let you die?" The attacker growled with somewhat female voice. "You took away my husband! You can't suffer enough!"

And then she came… my angel…

"What is… oh my God!" Some middle aged woman exclaimed, looking into the alley.

"Tch!" My attacker spat at me and ran away.

Unknown woman ran up to me and checked my pulse. "Still alive. I have to hurry!" She took me into her gentle arms and ran to the hospital at full speed.

So beautiful… She came to save me… You will always be in my heart… Mikoto-san…

So why would the attacker stop just because Mikoto was there? Even if she could have been a ninja, which she isn't, I doubt she'd be able to help against a mob. It usually is a mob, but I think it was one guy. It'll probably come up soon enough. Also, anyone getting some creepy May-December vibes from this shit? I am. Don't worry; it'll get worse.

Quote :
"Someone, help!" Uchiha Mikoto yelled, slamming her shoulder into hospital's door. "Quickly, this boy needs immediate treatment!"

Medics ran to her, but as soon as they saw my face they halted their advance.

"We uh… have maintenance problems right now ma'am." Some medic replied.

Yeah, right! And I'm a Hokage! Fucking bitches! No matter, they will get theirs in the end…

Mikoto's eyes narrowed. "I suggest you stop that right now… unless you want to have problems with the Uchiha clan." She stated. "I know who this boy is, and I think you do too. Now I ask you to stop that and get with the treatment already." Woman added and activated her Sharingan for insurance.

Medic's eyes widened. "O-Of course, Uchiha-sama! Sorry I didn't recognize you. Right this way!"

My beautiful wonderful Mikoto-san! You gave me reason to live. To me! Useless boy everyone hated and no one cared about!

Twenty minutes later…

"How is he?" Uchiha matriarch asked.

Doctor turned over some pages in his journal. "I-I'm sorry Mikoto-sama, but the buy lost a large amount of blood. We need immediate transplantation and our reserves are empty…"

Suuuuuure! And to never go back on my word is my nindo! Come on! For the biggest military village in all Shinobi Nations not to have some spare blood? That's not even fun enough to be a joke!

"Then use mine." She exclaimed with narrowed eyes.

"B-But Mikoto-sama, are you sure? This boy is…"

"I know exactly who this boy is!" Woman snapped. "Prepare the room for transplantation." She added and entered.

I love you, Mikoto-san… The only woman I ever fell in love with.

Time skip. The next morning…

Quote :
"Uhh…" I moaned slowly regaining consciousness. "Mmm… where am I?"

"You're in a hospital, young one." Kind female voice replied.

My eyelids shot up immediately… yeah, I was kind of jumpy back then.

"Please don't hurt me!" I screamed in fear.

'Oh my God…' Mikoto thought. 'What have they done to him?'

When she came closer I covered myself with blanket and started to shake in fear… pathetic…

"Calm down, boy." The woman said as gently as ever. "I'm not going to hurt you." She added and hugged me with a smile.

That smile… That wonderful smile… I agree to experience that state thirty more times… so I could just see that smile one more time…

What the hell does that last sentence even mean? Jesus...

Quote :
"You… You're not gonna hurt me?" I asked in disbelief.

Of course, everyone before beat me, why this woman should be different I thought.

"Of course not!" She exclaimed, smiling still. "How can someone hurt such a cute little boy?"

My eyes widened in shock. "Cute… me?"

"Of course! I'm Mikoto." She introduced herself.

I said nothing… worthless.

"Umm… what is your name?" She asked after few seconds.

"Na… Naruto…" Then I remembered something… and threw blanket away to see my legs perfectly placed right where they should be. "Huh?" I asked in confusion.

"Oh yes, you sure regenerate fast!" Mikoto stated happily. "You even could regenerate removed limbs after one night! That's amazing!"

That was the first time I blushed. Never before in my life was I praised for something…

"What do you say we get out of here and go get something to eat?" She asked suggestively.

"Ramen?" Naruto asked excitedly.

Woman shrugged. "Alright, let it be ramen…"

Of course she regretted saying that… Back then I ate ramen like fire eats paper.

Some time later…
"Well, this is where I live…" Mikoto said.

"This is your house?" I asked in awe. "It's so cool!"

"Thank you, Naruto… You know, if you need something, my doors are always opened for you."

No need to say I stood rooted to that spot for a few hours. That woman… she told me I could come again and visit her. But that day I understood something, learned something… the wish to protect someone dear.

It took me awhile, but I finally got it. Everyone hit me, she protected me… they could hit her. And I could never let that happen! Mikoto-san sacrificed her money, her time, her blood just for me - a nobody, useless child! And then I came to a tragic conclusion… we can never see each other again. This was necessary to keep her safe.

Quote :
I agreed with myself on that one and always kept my word… for almost a year at least. And then it started to happen…

Time skip. One year later…


"Gah!" I gasped, falling on my knees. Exhaustion finally accepted me into its embrace. "What is happening to me?" I asked myself. Of course I never understood. How could I? No one cared to notice, and I never had a mirror to look. I needed help, and there was only one person I could come to… I had to break my word for the first time.

Mikoto's house…

Knock, Knock, Knock.

"Coming!" Her beautiful voice sounded from behind the door. "Yes, who is…? Naruto? What happened? You…" But when she saw my eyes, words died in her throat. Further questions were pointless. She already knew what was wrong with me.

"Come in, quickly!" She said and pulled me inside.

I never had the strength to resist… not that I wanted to anyway…

"Mikoto-san…" I started. "I don't understand. I see everything so clear now… but my body is so weak… what's wrong with me?"

Shut up. this is not hinting at what I think it is? Take another shot if you're not dead.

Quote :
She sat me on a couch and joined herself afterwards. "Nothing's wrong with you, Naruto…" She replied. "It's just seems like you acquired something through my blood."

My eyes widened. "Really? What?"

Mikoto's eyes turned red. "My family's doujutsu… Sharingan. And it's in the third form already! How did you manage to do that? It's unheard of that a five year old child could possess the third stage!"

I looked at her with confused Sharingan eyes… three tomoes in each. "I… I don't know. It just suddenly started and I… started to see things clearer with every passing day, but… My body started to weaken and I can't even stand straight right now!"

Her beautiful eyebrows furrowed. "Then when did it start?"

"Umm… about two weeks after I met you, Mikoto-san!" I replied. How could I know?

Her face turned from concentrated to shocked one. "B-But that's not possible! If what you say is true, then you lived with activated Sharingan for almost a year! No wonder it evolved!"

"Umm… is that bad?" I asked.

Yes. Even normal-Sue Naruto would be dead, even with demon chakra. Goddamit, I told you this was bad.

Quote :
"Not bad, but… how were you even able" to stay in conscious?"
"I don't know…" I replied honestly.

"No matter!" She stated. "You need to deactivate it, now!"

"Aaa… how?"

"Try to withdraw chakra from your eyes." She explained.

"What?"

'Right, he doesn't even know what the chakra is…' She thought. "Umm… try to relax your eyes. Feel something flowing in them and try to stop that flow."

That was easier to comprehend, so I closed my eyes and tried to do what I was told. When my eyelids opened, she sighed in relief.

"Thank God." Mikoto replied. "You must have ridiculous amount of chakra to survive that long with activated Sharingan…"

"Umm… what's chakra?" I asked.

"Chakra is a combination of spiritual energy and body energy. Every human have some amount of chakra, but only a trained shinobi can use it as a weapon." Woman explained.

Yeah...this guy has a problem with telling who is speaking.

Quote :
I blinked with my shining blue eyes. "Are you a shinobi, Mikoto-san?"

"I am… was." She answered. "Why?"

"I… I want to be a shinobi like you! Can you teach me?"

"Umm…" She thought for a minute. 'I can refuse of course… But he has no one, and with the ability to hold activated Sharingan for almost a year he can be an exceptional ninja! Besides, I don't really have anything to do besides cooking.' Woman decided. "Sure, why not?"

"Yatta!"

So there I was… training to become a shinobi. Everyday I visited her house. Everyday she taught me how to fight, how to use kunai and shuriken. Life was wonderful. The only downfall was that I have met the remains of her family…

Firstly there was Mikoto-san's husband – Fugaku. Of course he instantly knew about my 'special' condition. That turned him extremely against my being in his house. Sure, I never gave even a slightest damn about what he thought, but his sulking made Mikoto-san sad… And if there was one thing I hated back then, it's seeing her sad.

Remember I said 'back then'? Now I hate almost everything…

Then there were her sons: Sasuke and… Itachi.

Sasuke, like his father, grew very annoyed with me… for a different reason though. Fuugaku hated Kyuubi… Sasuke disliked me for stealing his mother's attention. Yeah, jealousy is a dangerous thing… So he tried his best to get rid of me. Not that he succeeded though. I survived years of beatings, what could one boy possibly do to me that no one else did before?

Itachi however… He rarely spoke to me, and if he did it was nothing but a simple greeting. But the thing is… I often noticed his gaze upon myself. It seemed like Itachi was staring at me every time he was around and I was not looking at him. At first I thought he wanted what everyone else did… to hurt me…

But he never did. Much later I understood what it was… Curiosity. He couldn't understand why I am learning so fast… Oh, I forgot to mention something. For some reason Mikoto-san said that I can never show my Sharingan to anyone except for her. I couldn't understand why… at that time at least, but she was the most important person in my life and I will be damned if I won't do what she told me.

Why I said she was my most important person? It may sound like a broken record, but take a guess…

Time skip. Year and a half later. Uchiha district…

Night already fell upon the Hidden village of leaf. And… Oh, here I am. Running at my fastest back to where I belonged… to where I thought I belonged… At Mikoto-san's side. It was already late and I guessed she would cancel our training for today, but I still have to hear that from her beautiful lips. Yes, beautiful. Despite me being a little kid, there was nothing more beautiful to me.

Why am I so late you ask? That's because following Mikoto-san's advice I joined the academy. It was really stupid I thought. I already knew everything they taught and I could care less about Konoha history. I never gave a damn about Konoha. The only reason I wanted to become shinobi, is because I wanted to always protect Mikoto-san… The reason that I have failed…

I still don't know why we were held for so long in the academy that day… but I think it was his fault!

"Huh? Why isn't there any light?" I asked, walking into Uchiha district. "Did something happen?"

I turned around the corner and… understood exactly what happened. There were bodies… countless dead bodies. I didn't need to check if they were dead, it was pretty obvious. I recognized them… all of them were Uchihas. Even at that moment I had the idea about what I'll find in the end… But I couldn't give up! Not now! I had to see for myself!

"Mikoto-san!" I screamed in fear, running towards her house. More dead bodies were lying on the ground, but they didn't matter to me… No one mattered to me at that time, not even myself. The only one who did was…

"Mikoto-san!" I screamed once again, busting into her house. Dirt and blood covered my limbs and torso. Why? In my mindless run I managed to trip a few times and fell over someone's dead body. I did not care about that… a big mistake.

Foolish little boy… I burst through another door and there I saw it…

"No…" I whispered. There lied my dear Mikoto-san under dead body of her husband.

"No!" I screamed once again and shot myself towards her. With a desperate scream I took Fugaku's body and threw it into a wall… and through it. Of course I didn't know where that kind of power came from… It's not like I even cared that night. The only thing I cared about was…

So...copy-pasted from the anime? Real original...

Quote :
"M-Mikoto-s-san…?" I kneeled in front of her and placed her head in my lap. Never before I have seen such expression on her face... When we were together she was always smiling…

"No…" I whispered again. "No, no! Please, open your eyes! Smile at me like you always do! Just once! I'll do anything! Any-thing…" I saw no reaction… Her body was cold.

"Kh… kh…" I panted, gritting my teeth. Rage filled my mind. "Who? Who did this?" I swore that second that I will find the one who did this. I will find him and make him pay! And he will pay!

Suddenly I heard another voice…

"Tou-san! Kaa-san!"

I recognized Sasuke's voice. Of course he couldn't do that. He was too weak, and besides, he was there in the academy with me the whole day… But back then… Do you really think I could think straight?

"Tou-san! Kaa-"

"You!" I screamed and slammed him into a wall by the throat. "You did this! I will kill you!" I said, taking out a kunai and preparing to deliver my 'judgment'.

"That wasn't him." I heard another familiar voice from the street.

Low growl escaped my throat. I punched Sasuke in the face, effectively knocking him out, and ran out of the house. There I found him…

"Itachi!"

I screamed in rage. "You did this?"

"Indeed I did." He replied as calmly as always.

"I'll kill you!"

How stupid I was… Itachi had a sword and was a much more skilled and powerful shinobi. But don't laugh. His decision to play with me saved my life… and gave me weapon.

Itachi slowly opened his eyes. "Mangekyo Sharingan!"

Quote :
My eyes widened as the world suddenly turned red and black. Mikoto-san taught me about genjutsu, especially sharingan related, but I never could grasp it… until that day.

He said nothing… but no words were needed. Next thing I saw was Itachi slaying his own family. Later I wondered why he showed me that. Then I understood. He thought I wanted to kill him for annihilation of his clan. Idiot! I never cared about those morons! If anything, I wanted them gone! Most of them despised me anyway. Besides… if they were gone, I would've been the only one by Mikoto-san's side.

But Itachi never knew that. He continued to show me how exactly he destroyed his family… and I didn't give a fuck. I even smirked once. He missed the target; he should've shown that to his moron of a brother.

My face however turned from smiling to horror struck when he tried to show me the last fragment. There sat Mikoto-san and her useless husband… and Itachi stood over them with his sword raised.

"No…" I whispered, and Itachi's sword slowly descended. "No… no! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

What happened next? Two things. Blood flowed from my eyes and both of us were thrown out of Itachi's genjutsu.

"H-How?" Itachi asked in disbelief, falling to one knee and clutching the left side of his face.

Later I learned that breaking out of Tsukiyomi brings much harm to the caster.

Shit. I know Itachi is Sue, but Naruto is taking the cake here...

Quote :
His eyes widened even more when I looked at him with my bloody eyes. I understand his surprise. It took him countless trainings and killing of his best friend to achieve that power, and I got it just like that… Or that's what he thought. In reality, he took more from me that any killing of the best friend could accomplish! I would've killed a hundred of best friends if it could bring her back!

Itachi gritted his teeth. Of course I was a thorn in his plans. He drew his sword and prepared to take me down. But suddenly…

"Hmm." He glared at me one last time and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

At first I couldn't understand why… But then I got it.

"Voices!" I exclaimed fearfully. "I need to get out of here…"

So I did… How? I crawled my way into the sewers.

"No… How could this happen?" I asked, lying exhausted on the cold sewer floor. "Itachi… I will kill him! Whatever it takes!"

Rage filled my mind once again… but my body couldn't stand the pressure. So my eyelids closed slowly and I began my travel in the dream world… or that's what I thought.

When I opened my eyes… it was still a sewer. A little different though. Exhaustion was gone and I decided to explore this sever. Explore because I was very familiar with the first one. I had to hide somewhere you know…

What I found however was not very… exciting. Large gate and a pair of enormous glowing red eyes behind them… But I didn't feel fear… I just couldn't. All my reasons for fear were gone with her…

"Come closer boy.
" Sudden voice boomed.

'What the Hell?' I thought, but still walked closer… only for a large claw to escape the cage and attack me. I did not even move an eyelash. Why you ask? Simple, I experienced it all, slashing, stabbing, cutting… Nothing new in that department. It was just physical pain… my wound was much deeper.

"I want to kill you!"
Voice boomed once again. "To tear you to shreds and devour you! But this seal…"

"Shut up." I responded stoically. I did not care who that was, but his eyes were looking at me like I was nothing, an insect! That may be so from his point of view, but me? I hated that look! Everyone looked at me like that! Well never again!

"Ho? You are a brave one. It will be…
"

"I said shut your mouth!" I growled and for the first time in my life I used this power… my power. Power she gave me!

Yeah no. You ain't no Madara Uchiha or Obito. Plus you should be scared shitless, but then again we are dealing with edgyNaruto.

Quote :
"Im… Impossible! How can you have that cursed power?"

Rage on my face, Mangekyo Sharingan blazing in my eyes. I was finally ready to speak.

"Answer my questions."

Slight pause.

"Yes."

"Who are you?"

"Nine Tailed Demon Fox."

I raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were killed."

"I cannot be killed." Kyuubi stated. "So your father tore my soul in two pieces and sealed it in you and your sister."

Now THAT was a shocker of the millennium. I always thought I was an orphan, but this demon says I have not only a father, but a sister too. For some reason I believed him… probably because he was under my control.

"And who my father is?" I asked.

"Namikaze Minato. Yondaime Hokage."

I gasped. "W-What?" That wasn't possible… Or I thought it wasn't. Why would great and respected Yondaime Hokage discard his own son? Besides, this girl, Tsubaki… had to check…

"So then Namikaze Tsubaki is my sister?"

Fuck, is this your way of shoehorning in JinTsubaki? Make a BB fic for that shit; it'd be more believable than this.

Quote :
"Yes."

"You said he sealed you in both of us. Why would he discard me?"

"He believed you were holding the dark part of me."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "And? Is that true?"

"No." Demon answered. "My soul might be divided, but not my energy or personality."

Then I did something I never thought I was capable of… I chuckled darkly.

"Hmhmhm… Namikaze Minato, my idol! Sacrificing his son and throwing him away… What a hero!" That was my first sarcasm as well. "So he sealed the other half in my sister?"

"No." Was the response.

"What do you mean no?" I asked in confusion. "You just said it yourself."

"Then I must have misspeak before. It was actually your mother who sealed a part of me in your sister, and it was not a half."


"What do you mean?"

"Your mother was very low on chakra, so she couldn't do the sealing technique properly." The demon continued. "Your father however could. Because of that occasion my soul wasn't split in two similar halves like it was intended. You received about three quarters of my power, while your sister got only one."

"Hmm… So you're the reason I was beaten, you're the reason I was hated and despised." This was a statement, not a question. Still…

"Yes."

"But wait a second…" I replied. "If you were sealed in both of us, why I'm the only one who was treated like that? Why I'm the only one who was cast out?"

"They said you were the only jinchuriki." The demon stated.

"What, jinchuriki?"

"The power of human sacrifice." Kyuubi explained. "In other words, a human who was sacrificed to seal a demon."

"I see…" Rage was filling my mind once again. "So they sacrificed both of us, but my sister got the spoils and I got the shit."

"Pretty much."


"Charming…" Okay, I got my family… my biological family's part down. "Tell me what you know about Mangekyo Sharingan."

"Not too much. Your eyes hold great power, but it's not complete."
Kyuubi answered.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"Your eyesight will start failing with the use of that power. To cancel that effect, you must transplant your close relative's eyes into yourself."


"Relative…" I muttered. "I don't have an Uchiha relative, but… Mikoto-san… Her blood is flowing through my veins.

"It'll do."

"Take Mikoto-san's eyes… I hope she will find that in herself to forgive me…" I looked back at Kyuubi. "Listen carefully, demon. From this day on you are my slave. Your power is my power. My wishes are your wishes."

Just fuck off. You can't get Sharingan through pure blood transplantation; even Kakashi had to get the whole eye, even if the MS was duexed in.

Quote :
"I understand."

"Good. Remember that well and we might even become friends!" Think nothing, that was just another sarcasm.

Time skip. One week later. Konohagakure graveyard. Uchiha clan's funeral…


"Today we gathered here to say our final words for our fallen friends." Priest started. "Our…"

"What is this?" Sudden voice interrupted monk's speech. That was Uchiha Sasuke.

"What's wrong, Sasuke-kun?" Someone asked.

"My mother! Where is her body?" He asked.

Indeed, Uchiha Mikoto's casket was empty…

Somewhere at Fire Country's border…

"I'm sorry I did that…" I said in front of a single grave I made myself. "But I had to. That was a funeral of your clan. Everyone there wanted to give their honors to Uchihas. You're not a faceless Uchiha to me, Mikoto-san! They do not deserve for you to be near them! And you do not deserve to stay in that rotten village…"

I silently observed the forest clearing I made the grave in. It was a perfect circle and trees did not stood in the way of sunlight… It was like a circle of God.

"Yes." I sighed and closed my eyes. "This place is perfect for you, Mikoto-san. No wars… no ninjas… no death. It's so quiet here… I even want to stay…" I frowned at that. "But I can't, not right now. Please forgive me for what I did… and for what I will have to do."

With those words I kneeled in front of her final resting place.

"You were everything for me… and your son took you away. You will probably be angry; Mikoto-san, but I will find Uchuha Itachi… I will find your son… No! He's not worthy to be your son! I am! I am the only one worthy of that title! And I will prove it when I find and kill… nii-san! I have to kill him! Nothing will stand in my way!"

Yeah...this is still creepy and not endearing at all. Makes his canon obsession for Sasuke seem normal.

Quote :
Yeah, those were the words of a sad child… But I was a child no longer. Vengeance clouded my mind… it's still there and won't leave until nii-san is dead.

But back then, what could I do? I was no shinobi, and Itachi had those eyes as well. So I needed two things, a trainer and a doctor to make that eye transplantation. Fortunately for me, I found both.

How you ask? Well, I forgot to mention something again. You see, Sasuke was actually the only survivor of what was dubbed as the 'Uchiha massacre'. And who was the last person he saw? You guessed it! Yep, that was me, Konoha's favorite demon! Itachi disappeared, yes. But I could just take his body and hide it somewhere… or at least that's what the council stated. Hell, I could even eat it by their standards. I think they knew the truth, but it was far more joyful to charge me once again.

So guess what? You are talking to the first ever six year old SSS-ranked criminal in history! Haha! Wanna laugh? Later I have found out that there was only one other man with the same rank and a bigger bounty. Who? My dear daddy of course!

Sorry, I got sidetracked again. Retelling the story of my life draws me to philosophy.

Anyway, because of me being 'Uchiha clan's murder', I had to flee the country. Fortunately for me, the next land I entered was Rice Field Country. Sounds familiar?

Time skip. Another week later. Rice Field Country…


A week of constant search and all I found were some bandits and thugs. I searched for a doctor as well, but no one could do such a difficult operation. Then one day…

"If you will join us, then Orochimaru-sama will give you power." I overheard a sudden voice and that made me stop dead in my tracks.

I turned around the corner and there stood two groups of people, facing each other.

'Hmm… Judging by their equipment, they have to be a shinobi.' I thought.

"We don't need his help." Some big guy on one side replied.

'Probably the leader.' I concluded.

"Our clan will rise again without anyone's help!" Same big guy added.

"Suit yourself." Albino on the other side exclaimed stoically and turned around.

Rage filled me that moment. That manner of speech… it was very nii-san-like.

"Wait!" Someone shouted and albino stopped. "I will go with you." Single young man stepped forward.

"Arashi nii-chan!" Young orange haired girl screamed.

"I'm sorry, Sasame." He replied. "But I will do anything for my clan."

"Very well." Albino stated. "Follow me." He turned around once again and this guy Arashi… and three others followed.

"This is my chance!" I muttered. "Wait a second!" I shouted and albino stopped once again.

"Who are you?" He asked.

"My name is not important." I replied. Remember, I'm a terrible SSS-ranked criminal!

"Alright, what do you want?"

"I want to meet this Orochimaru of yours." I stated.

Albino's eyes narrowed. "That's Orochimaru-sama for you!" He said dangerously. "And he has no need in useless garbage."

'I'm useless?' I thought. "Why do you think I'm useless?"

"You are small and insignificant." Albino replied as stoically as ever.

Yeah, that guy pissed me off alright.

"You want to see my significance?" I asked, closing my eyes. "Very well. Mangekyo Sharingan!"

Albino's eyes widened when the world around him shifted and changed color.

"Wh-What is this?" He asked in confusion, desperately looking around for something.

Yeah, again with the no-description or naming of people who are speaking thing. Just...

Quote :
"That is my usefulness." I stated, appearing before him. "For the next forty eight hours you will watch your dear Orochimaru-sama die before your very eyes."
And there I did it. This moron watched his master die any possible way I could imagine, from sword stabbing to being eaten by Kyuubi.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Albino screamed, falling to his knees and clutching his head.
"Kimimaro, what happened?" Red haired girl asked. "You talked and then you fell."

Kimimaro's eyes widened. 'All it took was one second! He could kill me easily, but why…? Yes, he wants to meet Orochimaru-sama.'

"Alright." Albino said, struggling to his feet. "I will lead you to Orochimaru-sama.

"Excellent." I commented and followed.

Orochimaru's lair…

"Ah, Kimimaro-kun!" Voice of Orochimaru hissed from the darkness.

Or at least I thought it was Orochimaru… I guessed by the way.

"You have returned." A pair of eyes with slits instead of pupils announced his location. "What do you have to report?"

Instead of report however, this Kimimaro jumped between Orochimaru and me, blocking our eye connection.

Not a bad thought. He just forgot that I need only one second to dispose of him.

"What is the meaning of this, Kimomaro?" Orochimaru asked in amusement.

"This boy…" Albino started. "He possesses some strange power."

That piqued Orochimaru's attention. "Oh? What kind of power?"

"He called it… Mangekyo Sharingan."

That did it. Orochimaru shot up from his seat and looked around the room with mad expression on his face.

"Where! Where is this boy?" He screamed.

"Right here." I said and stepped into the light.

Next thing happened, Orochimaru tried to use some jutsu which showed me my death. The result did not please him though.

"Hahahahaha!" I laughed. "My death? I experienced worse things than death everyday!"

Orochimaru licked his lips. "How fascinating!" He stated. "So, child… Why did you come to me?"

"I want to offer my servitude and something else in exchange for two things." I stated.

"And what those things are?" Orochimaru asked. I swear, that moment his smile was about to split his face in two.

"I want you to train me in shinobi arts…"

"And second one?" He asked eagerly.

"That's actually connected with what I'm offering." I took out a vial with two eyes in it. "You transplant these eyes to me. That is my condition."

"Oh? And what are you offering?" Snake man asked even more excitedly.

"After transplantation you can have mine. I won't have a use for them anymore."

"Deal!" Orochimaru yelled. "You will not regret this, my boy!"

"I know…"

But you will.

And he did… later though. Now I started my training under one of the legendary sannins… Doing some dirty work instead of breaks. My goal was to kill, so I had to learn how to end life properly. This work wasn't so hard; I almost always made a bounty hunter, killed some wanted criminal and gave some money to Orochimaru as a payment for my stay.

Heh, I actually even started to like that lifestyle… I liked it enough to become a wanted criminal once again. This time under Jin Kisaragi's name and only A-rank.

Well, I have to say, training with Orochimaru was Hell… But you asked the wrong person about the definition of Hell. To me Hell was home… after all, I am the devil's favorite demon, right?

During my stay with pedophile… Sorry, I meant Orochimaru-sensei… Well anyways, during my stay I also gained some information about my enemy. Apparently Itachi became a member of some organization named Akatsuki. The organization Orochimaru was a part of… That is until Itachi came. Ol' snake never speaks about it, but my guess is, he tried to possess Itachi's body and failed.

If I guessed right, give me a candy…

So now my goals were clear. I needed any information I could get on Akatsuki. I know their headquarters is in Amegakure, but I'm not strong enough for that kind of operation yet. My time for waiting is over though…

End flashback…

I sighed and ran a hand through my straight blonde hair…

At least we are almost done with this chapter.

Quote :
Oh, I forgot to mention that too? Sorry. You see, only two people knew my real name was Uzumaki Naruto. The one mistake I'm going to correct real soon… One of them is me, and the other is Orochimaru, because he made my plastic surgery. Yeah, beside my eyes, good old Orochi also helped me to get rid of those annoying whisker marks. Put some hair gel on, add expensive clothes and there you have Jin Kisaragi.

Oh, by the way, if you're wondering how he learned about my identity… It was actually a coincidence. I just walked around the dungeon, found some three pronged kunai, threw it and… that's the story. You see, daddy's favorite jutsu – Hiraishin was designed to only let his blood relatives to use it. However he never made a count of his own kunais. No wonder some of them ended at Orochimaru's lair… and ultimately in my possession. For once this useless fool made something right.

Hmm… well, that's about it… What? Why am I in Konoha? Hmhmhm… remember what I said about being a traitor and slimy son of a bitch? Orochimaru was no exception. Staying loyal to him… or to anyone for that matter was never in my plans. So guess what I did? Exactly, destroyed my eyes I gave him, stole his Akatsuki ring and ran.

"Konoha…" I said, smiling evilly. "Let's see what you can do when you are prey! Iku-ze, Yukianesa!
...
So, how was it? Be sure to tell me what you think…
And drink a lot of cola! Darthemius.
[/b]

Fuck it. I lied; it might be a while before we do a second chapter. RL is much more important.
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