One of the first of many X-Men sporks I’ve ever done remains one of the worst. Every badfic trope is in here. Mary-Sue OC, canonical characters ripped out and replaced with alternate-personality podpeople, other characters characters warped to suit the author’s own wetdreams... It’s just pathetic, really, and I wouldn’t have given it my time, were it not for one specific part, you’ll see it when we get to it.
Snark reproduced here, just as it was in The House, with a few minor alterations, including adding in a few quips and jokes made by the other posters at the time. I’ve given credit where credit’s due.
How to spot a badfic in 5 easy steps:
1, find a popular fandom with a canonical reason for ordinary people to spout super-powers.
- Quote :
- X-men, check.
2, Seek out an author with a typical fangirl name.
- Quote :
- LilyHellsing,
Check.
3, Check for emo-flavoured summary, designed for wangst rather than plot and character development.
- Quote :
- Abused, unloved, and alone.
Check
4, Insert a Mary-Sue with a ‘poor literacy is KEWL’ style name like Rayven or...
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- Skye.
Yeah, exactly! A name like... Oh..
Check.
5, Finally, something fandom specific... let’s see... This is an X-men fanfic, so let’s make the OC’s mutant power one that, according to the author alone, marks out the OC as someone super-special and deserving of being ostracised regardless of how little those powers would, in fact, have upon her life.
- Quote :
- Her powers to fly made her an outcast.
Checkety-Check.
And, for bonus points:
- Quote :
- ... You don't like it, don't read it.
We have a winner!
Safety belts fastened? Here we go!
Presenting: Foster Freedom
Our heroine, Skye, seems to have a rather unique mutant power.
- Quote :
- Screams of money wasted and clothing echoed in the air.
"I never should have been spent!" shrieked the hundred-dollar bill. "Especially not for something so frivolous as that!"
"Who are you calling frivolous?!" cried the dress. (Hat-Tip: Blue Penguin)
- Quote :
- Insults were thrown back and forth. The two adults named Bill and Amelia were fighting about money for their foster daughter Skye. It was the same thing every night.
…her parents threw her into an adoption center. From then on, every few months or every few weeks depending on how long she could hide her curse, she'd be tossed into a different family.
As you can see, Skye has the mutant power to piss off everyone she comes into contact with. Hell, her parents hated her so much they got rid of her at the first opportunity!
Skye dons her uber-gofik outfit, and wanders outside, where she laments about her near-anorexia... Or something.
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[snipped& edited] Placing a long black trench coat over her black dress, she put on her military boots
Her dress was simply black with a few silver lines on the edges, flowers she drew on there. Wrapping the coat around her thin waist, she looked up at the gray sky.
brought a small grin to her pale face. Ignoring the loud growls from her stomach,
Skye placed a hand on her hips, looking over herself. She was thin from lack of food and didn't really care, but she had curves...thank goodness. It was bad enough she looked like a black and white picture, she didn't need to look like a twig too.
Women… go figure, amirite fellas?
Her malnourished figure seems to be second in concern only to her clothes. She wears worn-out cheap stuff... because she and her family are poor… That’s what you get for being registered with the Dysfunctional Foster Family Adoption Agency for Sues.
She walks and sings some emo gawfik song about killing herself before:
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Suddenly she felt pain pulse through her head, like a knife stabbing her over and over again in the temple. Gasping, she fell to her knees and held her head, fighting back cries and tears of pain. It was gone as soon as it came.
For heaven’s sake, girl, EAT SOMETHING!
Anyway, the weather turns bad, and by the sound of things, Storm blasts our flying Sue with lightning… Unfortunately for us, she survives.
So kindly Mr. Xavier carries Skye home, where a ridiculous conversation occurs, and Sky is shipped off to mutant school, where she shares a dorm with Rogue.
Now it’s time to exert some authority over some of the other pretty X-men who might show her up:
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As Skye turned a corner, she slammed into something very pink and blue. It was a person! “Hey watch it!” The person exclaimed. Skye tossed her hair back and looked at the girl before her. She had brown hair in a high ponytail, make up, sandals, blue pants, and a pink shirt; a prep.
“Hm…sorry about that.” Skye weakly apologized, expecting one back.
“Yeah, whatever, get out of my way.” Behind the girl were three other preps, all snickering at her appearance.
“It’s common curtsey to apologize right back when you crash into someone.” Skye sneered, slightly annoyed by the girls attitude.
Shadowcat: *curtseys* “That common enough for you, dipshit?” (H/T: Roadstergal)
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- The girl scoffed, “You’re the one who ran into me.” They started to walk around her, whispering.
Not bothering to turn around, she stated with a slightly louder voice, “It takes two to tango, prep.”
Already she heard the girls stop walking and felt the rage raid off of them. “Since you’re the one who bumped into me first, you’re the only one that has to say sorry, you gothic bat.”
Skye felt a twinge of anger at that comment. Spinning on her heels, she growled, “Oh I’ll make you sorry.” The girls behind the pink prep laughed at this, clearly amused by her display of rage. Calming down, Skye crossed her arms. “I’m not a gothic bat…Kitty.” She managed to hear a whisper of her friends’ thoughts, hoping and noting that the one she ran into was Kitty
This is our introduction to MeanGirls!Kitty.
I forget, what's kitty Pride's power again?
She can turn insubstantial, right? So there’s really no reason for her to crash into stuff, or get hit with stuff or anything, right? Good, glad we cleared that up.
After a quick Heart-to-heart with Logan, (Who, of course is bothered by the petty bitchiness surrounding the students at the school) Skye loses her way, so decides the best thing to do is randomly walk into other peoples dorm rooms until she re-discovers her own. Unsurprisingly, she walks into Kitty’s room.
- Quote :
- Crash.
Looking up at the person she ran into, she frowned, “Seems we keep meeting each other, Kitty…weird.” The girl looked seriously furious, two girls standing behind her with an expression of hate.
What's Kitty’s power again?
- Quote :
- Kitty suddenly pushed her, the unexpected force making Skye fall against the wall. “You want to fight?” Skye grinned, standing up quite calmly. Although she knew for a fact that it was wrong, and probably against the rules, she had been aching to test her powers.
"Fight with a Goth bat?" Kitty quest
Skye blinked, “What, scared to break a nail?” It was a simple taunt that was answered with a fist.
Stumbling back, she held her nose and felt blood drip on her hand. Glaring, she ran towards the girl before dropping to her hands, spinning around to trip her. Once she was on the ground, Skye stood up and smirked.
Kitty got up with the help of her two friends and tried to punch Skye once more. She managed to dodge, putting all her strength in a punch to her chin…but missed. No, she didn’t miss; her hand went right through her! “That’s cheating!” Skye exclaimed, pulling away to dodge a sandal.
“No, it’s fair to people like us!” Kitty shouted, managing to shove the gothic girl back. Skye’s gray eyes glittered for a moment.
“Hm…you’re right.” Raising her hand, a heavy painting from the wall behind floated near by. While Kitty continued to try and punch her, she dodged quite easily, stepping back every few seconds. Suddenly she brought her fist down which was like pulling on an invisible chain to the painting for it crashed down on her head.
So, Kitty can use her power in a split-second, to avoid a punch, but can’t avoid the floating painting, when given several moments warning.
Anyway, Xavier spots this and orders Skye to his office.
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- Finally he cleared his throat and pulled away, “Hm…you could have walked away.” Ignoring they were just a foot or two apart, Skye glared.
“Oh yes, I could have walked away even though her little henchwomen were blocking my way. Charles, she wanted to fight me. Are you saying I should have let her beat me to a pulp?! Not that a prep could, but still. She shoved me first, and there was no way I planned to back down. Kitty may have to spend an hour trying to wash out the oil in her hair but she’s not the one with a bloody nose and blood stained shirt.”
And that reaction/rationalisation sums up exactly the mindset we’re dealing with.
Skye was poking her nose into rooms that clearly wasn’t hers, by her own admission. Then challenged Kitty, and following Kitty’s initial hesitation, provoked her.
She then admits that the fight was pointless, as (according to her) Kitty wouldn’t have stood a chance, but she exerts her superiority over her anyway, because: she has to prove she has a bigger cock...? I dunno.
(Skye's lucky that this is just Movie!Kitty, as Comic!Kitty has a martial arts background and would have kicked her scrawny ass.
Movie!Kitty should have probably won that fight, anyway, though, as she's been at Xavier's some time by now and has presumably had some training in combat. Skye hasn't. – H/T – Architeuthis)
Skye heads back to her dorm to meet with Rogue, who is sitting on her bed with, presumably, Bobby Drake - Iceman, despite mentioning that there is a fellow in there, no more attention is lavished on the guy other than the colour of his hair.
Skye proceeds to use her Sherlock Holmes skills to determine that Rogue is neither Goth nor Prep, so that means she can get on with her ok… She shows off her powers, which impresses Rogue no end (no really, it does) while Skye reacts nonchalantly to Rogues own powers… Coz they’re not as spechul as hers.
... fucking hell...
She then does a Harry Potter and arbitrarily ignores school rules by having a wander around, and in Harry Potter style, this results in her earning private lessons with Prof. X. Who allows Skye to call her Charles.
The next, mercifully short chapter finally sees Bobby getting introduced, while also introducing Pyro.
Later in the next chapter she meets Pyro again, and casually reads his mind and attempts to solve his personal problems… I don’t know about you, but Were I Pyro, I’d have reacted with something like: “Bugger off out of my brain you nosy cow!”
FOOD FIGHT!
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Skye walked to dinner at a later time, scowling quietly to see Kitty and her friends there. As long as she ignored them, they would ignore her…or so she thought. As she ate some bread, she heard them whisper and point at her. Several younger kids sat there listening and snickering. She sighed heavily, ignoring them as she sipped some water. Suddenly mashed potatoes hit her in the forehead.
/snip/
“Goth bat!” Kitty shouted, throwing gravy at her. Skye inhaled shakily, her body shaking with rage as she controlled herself. As soon as a small amount of gravy fell off her head, the chair Kitty once sat on floated above her…and then slammed down on her head. She fell out with a cry of surprise and pain.
What’s Kitty’s power again?
Skye is summoned to Xavier... I mean, Charles’ office, where instead of expelling the little cow, he gives her her first ‘special lesson’ in psychic stuff…
Now we move on to chapter 7. Remember those seat belts I asked you about earlier… Double check them. Now.
Do it! I’m not kidding, I won’t take any responsibility for brain strain from people who don’t have their mental straps in place!
Ready?
Off we go.
Skye, who has gravy in her hair from her food fight earlier, decides to go to the showers... And then Charles walks in on her.
I’ll repeat that, because it’s just so daft, I can barely believe it myself:
Skye is in the shower and Charles Xavier walks… well, rolls, I suppose, in on her – Deliberately.
- Quote :
Despite her vision being doubled and blurry, she could tell he was blushing. Blushing from seeing her in a towel! He strolled over to her and watched her hug her dirty clothes, wet locks of her hair clinging to her face.
/snip/
“Charles…” She whispered, her voice cracking slightly.
“Skye…” He muttered, his voice deep and soothing.
Their faces got closer, both hesitating. Their lips were just inches, no, were just centimeters away. They could actually feel each others breaths.
“Uh, Chuck?” Wolverine’s voice echoed through the huge gym. The two pulled away and looked away, their faces flustered.
“Um…g-goodnight Charles.” Skye whispered while getting up, quickly walking outside. Xavier looked over at Logan, slightly annoyed that he interrupted their moment.
“My lips are sealed.” He said as he turned away, leaving the professor alone.
I can just imagine Wolverine there… “Oh, Chuck, you old rascal, what are we gonna do with you?”
*wah-wah-waaaaaah*
Jesus...
So, just in case you missed it I’ll do a quick recap.
Charles Xavier, leader of the X-men and most respected fellow in all mutantdom, wandered into the girls showers and attempted to snog a student. He was found out, at the last moment by Wolverine, who dismisses the whole thing and promises to cover for Xavier’s pedophilic ass.
It gets better/worse.
After a few flashback sequences, Skye decides to go for a fly, and completely by accident discovers Magneto’s hidden lair. Magneto discovers her, and… comes on to her. Of course.
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Turning, she tried to walk off but slammed into the fury man and yelped. Her cheek, although she couldn’t see it, had a bruise on it already. This man scared her. “How do I know you won’t tell Xavier where his old friend is at?”
Looking back at the man, she hesitated. “…I promise I won’t. I have no reason to! A-And if I did, then I would shoot myself because I’m…not supposed to be here.”
Erik smirked. “So they don’t know where you’re at in other words?”
This is fucking Magneto, who has an excellent grasp of the English language and a near-oratorical delivery style. Is her Sue power the ability to make grown men act and talk like idiot teenagers? – H/T - Roadstegal
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- Skye’s eyes widened as she realized how she just incriminated herself. Stepping back, she felt her lip shake, near tears. She was terrified and not ashamed to admit it! She had good reason to be scared!
Suddenly Magneto walked over to her and placed a hand on her chin, forcing their eyes to meet. “Such an odd color.” He didn’t say anything else after that. She tried to read his mind but found out he was using mental defenses. “Leave, girl. Don’t come back and don’t tell anyone.”
With that, she ran off a good distance before flying. She could still feel his touch on her face. She could still hear his refined rich voice echo in her ears. What would she tell Xavier if he saw that memory?
Skye is let go, and returns to Xavier’s school.
For the first time we are treated so a scene with people who aren’t Skye. Specifically, it’s Pyro.
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Pyro frowned and stared at those lips, those lips that kissed Rogue. He felt more than a twinge of jealousy course through his veins at that thought. How lucky Bobby was, to be able to kiss the girl he loved.
How many times did John lay awake just like tonight, glaring angrily and envious at Bobby? How many times did he dream of Rogue confessing her love for him? How many times did he awake shivering and sweating with his boxers on a little too tight?
Pyro in the movie isn’t really all that bothered about Rogue, right? His beef is that regular people are scared of him… But still, this is Emo!Pyro.
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He was alone. That was the basic and blunt truth. He was alone…He had no one to love him as much as he loved them. Slowly he stood and walked to the bathroom, grabbing a razor from the cabinet. Staring at his reflection, he wondered why Rogue didn’t like him. He was handsome, even hot with or without his powers. So why?
Well, Emo!Pyro, old pal, theres only one way to make Rogue like you over Iceman.
Kill yourself.
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Depression drove him to hold the razor and place it on his wrist, on the smooth skin. Without realizing it, he yanked it back and dropped the weapon.
Drip…
Drip…
Drip…
His blood fell faster and faster onto the counter and floor. Giving a small cry, he watched it fall, watched his life force be drained.
Why didn’t Rogue love him?
That’ll do it.
The next, thankfully last, chapter is much nonsensical gibberish about Skye in a bath, answering a random phone call informing her about a long lost sister.. blah blah…
So, in 10 chapters and 15,000 words, our suethor has achieved the following:
1, Created an irritating, can-do-no-wrong, uber powerful OC.
2, Torn out Kitty Pride and replaced her with a stereotypical mean girl from any Teenage drama series.
3, Turned Charles Xavier into a Pedophile.
4, Possibly turned Magneto into a pedophile.
5, Turned Wolverine into an accomplice to statutory rape.
6, Killed Pyro.
Not bad going really….
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If that's not the stupidest screen name I've heard this year, it definitely ranks in the top five.