The Sues and the Turtles

The Hunters and the Hunted

Okay, this is my very first real snark. I'm not asking you to be gentle, just remember that it's my first, okay?

So the story's lodged in the TMNT fandom. And the summary already sets my alarm bells ringing because it tells me there are four OCs and all of them are gonna hook up with a turtle. I wince. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I turn to the first chapter. The first chapter is bios of all four OCs, because the writer is incapable of describing them IN THE GODDAMN STORY. I hate bios in stories. Most of the time the author packs them with information that will NEVER COME UP IN THE STORY. These are the four worst I've seen that I can remember.

This story has not one Sue, but FOUR. FOUR SUES! Four brain-breakingly awful characters! This story makes no sense. Not because of bad spelling or grammar, but because the writer has forgotten the ages of her characters and the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week. How to add up. How to create original characters.

Quote :

Kimberley Anderson (Eldest)
Age- 19 ½ years old
Height-5"10
Eye Colour- hazel green/ light blue
Hair Colour- light brown/ brunet with golden natural highlights
Favourite Colour- yellow, blue, light green
Likes- non-horror movies, writing, playing/ composing music, fighting (when necessary), meditation, long
walks in gardens/ parks/ forests, music, reading, plays with Violet singing, dancing, playing piano, playing all kinds of guitars and playing violin with Violet, Romeo and Juliet (book), all Shakespeare plays
Hates- The villains that killed her parents/ villains in general, some sports, heights and the dark
Nicknames- Kimmy, Kim, Kimmy-Kins, Fearless, Juliet
Powers- Nature & Earth, empathy (feel others emotions) regular witch powers (telekinesis, read minds/mind communication with her sisters)

REGULAR WITCH POWERS?! What the hell is that supposed to mean? Well you'd better get used to that phrase because it crops up a lot. Empathy is not a power, btw. Some people have it, some people don't, but it's not MAGICAL.

Quote :

Weapons of choice- Twin Katanas, two large Shuriken (dirks, darts and star-shaped discs/ shurikenjitsu) + gadgets

Kimberley has always wanted to be a teacher from a young age but has changed her dream to being a famous musician and composer or a writer and have a family and a man to love her just as much as she loves him no matter who or what she is. She is always so sporty and positive but also quiet and sensitive; she has fights with her younger sister Riley and is considered the leader and mother figure of the foursome sisters. She is skilled in the twin Katanas and shuriken and always put others before herself and their needs before hers. Kimberley tries her hardest to keep her family safe and make sure their skills are always at their best. Kimberley trains constantly and is very determined, disciplined and responsible, but because of this entire trauma with her parents, she and her sisters are finding it hard to attend college or University or anything because of their "different" lives even her schooling was hard, especially with controlling her powers when angry.

Twin katanas. There are other katana users in the TMNT universe, but only Leo has two. From that brief bullshit I already know who she's gonna hook up with. Oh and her favorite colour is blue.

Quote :

In high school, Kimberley was captain of the colourgaurd/ flag wavers and dancers, class representative on the student council, captain of choir, captain of the winning tennis team, captain of Karate, Judo and Tai-Chi classes/teams and continuous 1st place winner of writing and English competitions.

They found schooling hard, but they still managed to do all this? Does this writer even know how different Tai-Chi, Karate and Judo all are? Tai-Chi is not a fighting art; it's more like dance. AND she's skilled with her weapons? She did all this AND she had time to become a ninja? Is there anything she CAN'T do?

Quote :

Like her sisters, Kimberley has only trusted a hand full of people who only ended up broking her heart, one being the worst ever. She is now doesn't show her true emotions in front of others, especially crying and can't trust people easily. She doesn't want her sisters to turn out like her parents and she will do anything she can to keep them safe and not let anything be their downfall, especially emotions.

Wait, she hates the people who killed her parents but she doesn't want her sisters to turn out like them? Huh?

Quote :

Riley Anderson (2nd Eldest)
Age- 19 years old
Height- 5"9
Eye Colour-brown by day & blood red/ maroon when the moonlight shines on them
Hair Colour- black with a natural velvet red streak through the left side

Unusual eye and hair colours. NOW we're talking.

Quote :

Favourite Colours- red, black, all kinds of green
Likes- machines/vehicles, fighting, weapons, movies, guitar, some music
Hates- Villains, love movies and love music
Nicknames- Riles, Love, Hell Fire
Powers- Fire, regular witch powers (Telekinesis, read minds/mind communication with her sisters)
Weapons of choice- Shoge, Manrikigusari, Sais + gadgets

More magic powers. And the weapons just coincide with the sort of thing Raph uses. Convenient.

Quote :

Riley is Kimberley's younger sister and she HATES that fact. She has always wanted to be top sister/ child amongst the four siblings, but hasn't reached that mark yet. Her attitude isn't positive, she's very active and can't stay still and dislikes following orders. She's hot-tempered and loves red and black leather as well as sports and working out. Riley was captain of her high school track team and gold medalist for athletics, track, basketball and swimming.

Translation? She's Raphael. Note how she wants to be top dog, how she hates following orders, how Sai are used as her weapon, how she likes red. Yet the author thinks that because she has a hot temper and dislikes taking orders, that will mean she fits in with him, rather than arguing constantly?

Quote :

She was always going out with guys for fun and never believed in love, not only that but when her heart finally gave in and
fell for a guy who she thought was perfect, he broke her heart because he was playing her and he didn't like her for who she was, no one ever understood her. After that, she considered a life of being the player instead of being played but maybe just maybe she won't be left alone for the rest of her life.

Oooh, heartbreak! Now heartbreak doesn't make a Sue, but somehow the description of that particular heartbreak just reeks of it. Maybe it's the 'no-one ever understood her' part. He broke her heart because he didn't understand her? I can understand breaking up because you don't understand each other, but is it really the sort of thing that destroys your ability to love?

Quote :

Violet Anderson
Age- 18 ½ years old
Height- 5"8 ½
Eye Colour- light green/ aqua
Hair Colour- golden/ brunet with light brown natural streaks
Favourite Colour- purple, violet, white, silver
Likes- historical movies, documentaries, drawing, playing violin, bass guitar + piano, singing, walks along the beach, Ella Enchanted, plays with Kim
Hates- Villains, loud music (Rock), new people (shy and distrustful), some guys, alleys and the dark
Nicknames- Vi, Vi-Vi (pronounced Ve-Ve), Ella
Powers- Water/ Sea, regular witch powers (telekinesis, read minds/ mind communication with her sisters)Weapon of choice- Bow
and arrows, Naginata + gadgets

The Nagitana just happens to be a pole weapon a little bit like a pike. Look it up if you're curious. And it's not traditionally a ninja weapon because a six-foot spear is hard to hide.

Quote :

Violet is the third youngest out ofthe four Anderson siblings.

Why does she keep saying this when the ages are RIGHT THERE?!

Quote :

She is considered the brain box, shy, overly courteous sweetheart out of them all. She is very shy towards new and sometimes very old friends and loves to read, sometimes write but mostly draw and is very self-conscious. She always doubts herself, her abilities and her love life; not to mention her ability at some instruments. Violet is very passionate about her family and although she isn't much of a fighter compared to her elder sisters, she does go in and fight and defend when she feels it's for the best and for her family
to be safe. Violet was captain of her high school debating team, A+ student at everything except gym, captain of the orchestra and captain of the school's annual 1st place winning science club. Violet has always had trouble with love but not as bad as her last relationship, and she is getting doubtful of her dream of being a doctor and band member and her future.

Oooooh, she's the smart one who likes purple and nabs the pole weapon and fights defensively! Guess who snags her?! Wait, A+ at everything except gym? EVERYTHING? Shit. Oh, and she's not much of a fighter. Obviously this writer thinks Donatello couldn't kick your ass.

Quote :

Lila Anderson (youngest)
Age- 18 years old
Height- 5"8
Eye Colour- light/ sky blue
Hair Colour- Golden with a touch of brown
Favourite Colours- orange, yellow, bright pinkLikes- comic books, drawing anime/ cartoons, video games, music, jokes, pranks, all types of movies, dancing, hyper-activeness, skateboarding, dancing, playing drums, riding her bike, fashion, designing fashion for herself and her sisters, although they like buying their own at times

Skateboarding. SKATEBOARDING?! The traditional Mikey trait. PLEASE, please, please, please... god I don't know what I'm begging for now. Mercy, maybe.

Quote :

Hates- She loves everything except villains and spiders
Nicknames- Lilly, Tiger-Lilly
Powers-Wind/ Air, regular witch powers (telekinesis, read minds/ mind communication with her sisters)
Weapons of choice- Double large Tantos, nunchucks + gadgets
Lila is the baby of the family, her young, carefree, worry free nature helps her to be very active and easy to love. She loves to make jokes, make people laugh and join in on public affairs along with party long into the night. She can be serious at times and settle down for about 30 minutes studying before going crazy again. Everyone believed her to be the "easy target" for heart breaker boys and bullies but she bounces back, or so it seems, with some help from her sisters when that happens. Lila was captain of the Cheerleading team, was one of the best fashion designers in the whole school and one of the main dancers at her temporary University in New York City. Right now she isn't looking for love but some fun and maybe a good mark on a history test. Maybe someone out there can help Lila
settle down her hyperness, help her achieve her dream job, have a family and stop hiding her pain and hurt of past relationships and heart ache from her loved ones.

Wel then, she sure won't find that stability in Mikey. OR WILL SHE?! Well, there's a chapter called "Mikey and Lilly" which answers THAT question.

You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking "I already know which gal's gonna get which turtle". It doesn't matter that Mikey couldn't help a clam to settle down or that anybody with Raphael's personality will always be getting into fights with him.

I'm also thinking "Powers? They have magical powers? In a universe where aliens reguarly visit Earth, they need to be fucking WITCHES?!" I'm also thinking, "Why is every girl good with a musical instrument?" I'm also thinking, "Why is every girl the Captain of something?" All these amazing ninja fighting abilities, magic powers, and use with instruments? It's one thing to be the best at something. It's another to be the best at two things. This shits Mary Sue out the ASS. And there's FOUR of them! Note that their personality bios don't mention any flaws. Only the things they're good at.

That's the first chapter, by which I mean a bunch of bios which consist mostly of things that will never come into the story but only make it even more predictable which original character gets which turtle. And vamp up the Sue even more by making them ALL great at something that isn't ninjitsu and isn't important.

I made a Turtles OC. But she doesn't have any skills you couldn't learn from years of training ceaselessly, or skills that won't come into the story. Her personality is the result of her life, not because she should get one of the turtles. She doesn't need to have her heart broken to believe she won't find love when she's a freak. And most of all, she can FIT INTO the team; become a part of it. And no, she does NOT use magic to fill that niche because she's not that bitch Venus.

Next chapter next post.

First REAL chapter snark. I'm just snarking the parts that make no sense. I'll skip over the bits that do make sense. I also don't bother to snark spelling and grammar (unless it's reall bad).

Quote :

Kimberley's POV
SPLASH!!

It was pouring down with rain in the streets of New York City, feet pounding and the sound of heavy footsteps and heavy breathing were heard behind me and they didn't belong to my sisters.

We all ran through the streets at midnight trying to find some way of losing the following criminals that had me and my sisters on their 'Extermination' list.

And you're on a list. WHY are you on a list? I'll have to assume it's because you sparkle so much because the story doesn't tell me what you've done to get caught out as being super-special.

Quote :

'How on Earth are we going to lose them? Kimmy-Kins I'm afraid, I don't think I can keep this up for much longer' my youngest sister Lila (or Lilly to us) thought throughout her head. Okay I know what you're thinking, how on earth can I understand what she's saying? Well I'll just sum it all up to you in two simple, little words. We're witches or sorcerers basically. Funny huh?

Well yeah we're witches and we all have powers and cast spells and what not. My mother was the most powerful sorceress known throughout the whole dimension but she mostly gave up her fame as a monster fighter and settled down with my father, a mortal.

So, not only do they have magical powers, they have a sorceress for a mother. Not an alien. And not only that, but the most powerful one throughout the whole dimension. Yeah, it's okay because it's only THIS dimension. So kick in another Sue-mark - these girls know about there being multiple dimensions.

Quote :

I use the term 'was' strongly. My mother and father died because of some vicious and blood thirsty people who knew of my mother, they hunted her down and murdered both her and my father while we were all 12, a typical normal day in England for Quadruplets.

'Quadruplets' are four children all born at the same time. According to bios, these kids were each born six months apart. Wait, six months apart? So, each one of them was three months premature and then their mom got pregnant again INSTANTLY afterwards. And how could they ALL be 12? The bios give them different ages. And the most powerful sorceress in the dimension couldn't stop people from hunting her down and killing her.

Quote :

That day we were all at school, we came home to discover what took place. Quickly we packed our bags with belongings, personal stuff, money and memoirs and fled all over the world hoping to leave it all behind us with no other living relatives. But they found us down under in Australia; they found us in Italy after that. We were not safe in Europe.

So, at 12 they could move all on their own to travel all over the world. The were born in England and yet they managed to get out of the country at 12 years old?

Quote :

That was 5 years ago and still they keep finding us,

Didn't the bios say you were 19, Kimberly? Shouldn't 5 years make you at the oldest 17? God, this author can't even ADD UP.

Quote :

we move constantly and all of us can control our powers superbly with all of us watching each other's backs during training.

During your constant fleeing time you somehow found the time to, without your sorceress mother, train your magical powers perfectly and fight as a team.

Quote :

One of these days we want it all to end, we want to feel loved, needed, wanted and have someone who doesn't mind who or what we are, is that so wrong?

Uh, didn't most of your bios say you didn't WANT to feel love after all that heartbreak?

Quote :

I haven't been held close or even been on a date in 6 years; my last heartbreak was too painful. My sisters have all been put into a place of heartbreak and sorrow.

Northampton?

Quote :

I won't let that happen. They can go out and have fun, but I always check who they go out with, back ground checks. I never go out and I comfort them, because I have to. I don't want them to feel pain anymore, so I remind them and they listen. My younger
sister Riley hasn't been out in 2 years, my third youngest sister Violet hasn't been out in 1 year and finally, my baby sister Lilly hasn't been out in 11 months. She is more vulnerable and she is my innocent baby sister and she is my main priority to stop her heart from breaking. But even through all of this we promised that we will all stick together and be there for each other no matter what, we're all protective of each other and we all put on brave faces, especially Lilly and myself, but we are filled with years and years of pain, grief and suffering. Teenagers aren't meant to experience their teenage years running and looking after their little sisters, right? Of course I'm not right. Someday I'm going to find my hero who will save me and my family and maybe, just maybe, they'll accept who I am and who my family was. Maybe they'll give me the protection and comfort I've been searching for since mom.

She mentions 6 years. She hasn't dated since bfore her parents were killed. Her last date was when she was 11 (I think). You'd think living, loving parents and a stable home (at the time) would help her recover. The 'player', Riley, hasn't dated in 2 years. The quiet one and the immature baby sister have dated more recently than her.

Quote :

As fast as lightening we made a sharp turn into the darkness and hid in the shadows. The criminals stopped just outside the alley way, some went through and started searching. Our hearts were pounding so hard in our chests and Violet and Lilly held onto me so tight I needed air. I held back my fear and kept my eyes on the goons ahead. Riley, for once, was scared and held onto me as well, but still covered Lilly and Vi so they were safe. One creepy guy with 4 rings on his left hand came so close to us we all stiffened, but dismissed us and they all turned and fled into a different direction leaving us alone in the alley by ourselves. It was all quiet for a whole 45 minutes and not once did we speak. When I was sure we were safe, I let my sisters go, wiped Lilly's tears away and we all stood up and I spoke.

"Phew that was closed. Girls, just whisper until we're safely back at our apartment. Once there, we'll clean up, pack, leave the keys and documents on the counter, leave letters to Eddie, the owner and go into that underground sanctuary we made last time, alright?" I commanded in a soft whisper.

Everyone else just nodded, too tired to talk. So we made our way home, slowly, safely and tiredly.

Why do you even bother to whisper when you can use your mind links? If you're going to have super-powers, USE the damn things. Oh, and an underground sanctury. You move constantly to avoid not being caught but you bother to make an underground sanctury? In a house somebody else owns?

Well, now the story skips ahead two months, so since they're still in New York they clearly haven't moved on just yet. They've been located by the people who want to kill them and they're STILL IN THE CITY? Anyway, two months and now it's the Turtles.

Quote :

"Ahem" All eyes turned to Donnie who felt as if he was the outcast. "Uh, guys. Weren't we supposed to go out, you know on Patrol?" Before Donnie could even blink, his brothers had already grabbed their weapons and were out of the door. Donnie took one last look at Master Splinter and grabbed his Bo Staff and ran after his brothers.

The turtles don't go out on 'patrol'. They're not goddamn Batman. They are generally training or looking for bigger crimes involving Purple Dragons and ninjas. Back to the sisters.

Quote :

"Alright Fearless I'll bight. Why the hell are we up here? Especially at 9pm at night!?" Riley screeched at Kimberley on top of the local banks roof under the moonlight.

"Well, if you must know Riles, we are up here to train. Guys, it's been two months and I thought we all deserved fresh air and a good real running training sessions, or as Lilly puts it, a game of tag." Lilly started bouncing up and down on the tips of her feet and getting restless to start play. Violet cracked a smile and the word Tag, but Riley didn't seem in the least bit amused. "And if we run into some robbers and criminals we can take in a bit of target practice." Kim finished and earned a wide mischievous grin from Riley.

This idiot cannot spell the word 'bite'. And then the mature leader type suggests that they break up petty crimes. They're on the run from ciminals who want to kill them, and she suggests they get INVOLVED with criminals and risk blowing their cover.

Quote :

Just ahead of that rooftop stood four bulky figures standing on a hotel rooftop in the shadows watching what took place mere moments
before. They were surprised, but also wary about these girls.

"Dude." Mikey whispered quietly for his brothers to hear "Is it me, or did four shadow thingies just jump a rather huge gap between rooftops?"

"Mikey, I'm not even going to begin to correct what you just said." Donnie replied a little irritated at Mikey's vocabulary. "Leo, should we follow them?" He asked their elder brother.

"No. We patrol the streets and stop any crimes tonight. If we run into those four, we'll deal with them then, but for now….Raph's it!" He yelled and sprinted off into the night followed by Donnie and Mikey.

"We stop the petty criminals before we investigate these strange ninja shadows who might be the Foot. Oh, and I'll borrow Mikey's personality for a while."

Quote :

'Let's see. Lilly would cheat and use her powers to hover in the air and be somewhere that's close to her victim and point and laugh silently at them. Which makes her location……..here!!' She mentally yelled and in a millisecond she used her Earth powers and built a column of rock to lift her into the air and there was Lilly laughing and she grabbed her arm."Ha! Tag you're it Lilly. Tiger-Lilly, you are so predictable." Kim giggled"Oi! I may be predictable, but I'm fun. I'm not suggesting anything, but it's fun to laugh at someone trying to
find you from the air." Lilly giggled. Soon both sisters were laughing their heads off on top of the rock column until some water and fire
smacked into them and they fell off and Lilly glided them safely to the ground.

"We have these amazing hovering and rock and water and fire powers and we were afraid of fighting off some criminals." And Riley uses her FIRE to knock a SISTER off a column in a GAME of tag.

Quote :

"Rule number one: Don't laugh during tag unless you want to get caught." Riley smugly said

"And rule number two: Don't leave a giant column of rock high in the sky next to a floating girl." Violet answered giggling. For the second time that night, laughter filled the rooftops and they were all on the ground with stitches. It was times like this that the sisters cherished so much, times where they weren't hunted and they could act civilly and like sisters.

And rule number three... tell me why your giant column of rock is applicable to the 'rule' game in this situation.

Quote :

That didn't last though. A javelin sort of weapon shot through the air and landed just between the four sisters, startling them and halting their laughter. They all stood up and took out their weapons and stood ready to fight. Dozens of ninjas in kimonos surrounded them on their left and a group of black pajama wearing ninjas stood to their right. The four were definitely outnumbered but that didn't affect them. A woman in her mid twenties stepped forward from the pajama clan and spoke.

Ninjas in KIMONOS? And Pyjamas? Do you know a damn thing about what ninja actually wore, or what they were called? Two months ago you were fleeing and crying in alleys because of a few thugs, and now dozens of ninjas (that's multiple 12s) don't scare you?

Quote :

Violet's POV"Ahhhhh!!!" I screamed. I was just fighting a fat ninja or whatever they are

Fat ninja? Are you... possibly... thinking of sumo wrestler types? Because honestly... FAT NINJAS?

Quote :

when all of a sudden another two came up behind me and knocked my bow and bag of arrows off me and into the middle of the battle while the other flipped in the air and landed a very hard kick onto my chest that sent me flying into the air and over the edge of the rooftop. My reflexes kicked in and my hand came out and grabbed the very ledge.

'Oh, why couldn't I have been the one to gain the power of air. There is no water anywhere and I'm losing all feeling in my arms. Dangling in mid-air is not my version of a great first night out.' I thought

"You know, apart from the water that is ALL AROUND YOU called water vapour? Didn't you seconds ago use water to knock your sister off a pillar of rock? Can't you use some of that? Wait, BAG of arrows? You're supposed to be a crack shot with them and you don't know it's called a QUIVER?

Quote :

I could hear Kim calling for me in the distance, but I knew she was surrounded and couldn't help me now. We have a special connection, her and I. We love going to plays, especially Shakespeare and I sometimes call her by the nickname Lilly and I gave her, Juliet, after her favourite play.

"Juliet!" I cried. I was so scared and my hand was slipping. I wanted Kim, I wanted her to save me, give me a hug and tell me it's okay. The way she does after we all have nightmares.

My hand slips further and I'm down to just three fingers….two fingers……one finger…I let go.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! JULIET!!!" I screamed falling

"I call my sister by her nickname when I'm falling to my death. And she just LOVES the nickname Juliet, because Juliet DIES." You DON'T call people by nicknames when you're falling. Okay? It's just not something people do.

Quote :

KIMBERLEY'S POV"JULIET!!"

'No!' I thought 'I please no'"NOOOO!!! Violet!!!" I screamed. I tried to run to her to do something, use my powers, but I couldn't see her. I was surrounded, we all were and there was no way I could get to her, none of us could. My powers are useless if I can't see her. I want my sister back. I felt fury rise within me and I knew what would happen next, but I couldn't think I was thrown and pressed up against the wall by my neck with blood seeping down the right side of my face by three ninjas and others were surrounding me as if gawking but how could I tell THEY ARE WEARING PAJAMAS FOR GOD SAKES.

Suddenly the "gawking" ninjas just flew half way across from me. Someone had joined the battle and I was thankful, but my vision was blurring and the ninjas held my neck tighter. I closed my eyes waiting to be finished off when my savior ran at these three ninjas with a cry and chucked them off me and I caught a glimpse of silver Katanas. I fell down from the wall but was caught in my saviors arms. My vision was slowly returning and I opened my eyes to be met with a pair of the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen.

"Oh, and my rock powers were useless against these ninja." They have amazing powers which they use blatantly for a simple game of tag but not in battle, even though the leader Karai KNOWS of their powers and their pasts. SHIT THE FUCK?!

Quote :

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! JULIET!!!" I screamed falling so fast. I braced myself for pain and the ground when I was grabbed by the waist and pushed onto another building by someone. I could hear him saying something but I was lost, I just wanted my sisters. He started shaking me ever so lightly and I felt relaxed at how gentle and kind this person was. I ever so slowly opened my eyes and looked up, his whole face was hidden in the darkness but his gorgeous hazel eyes were as clear as day.

"Are you alright? Are you hurt? Is anything broken? Are you alright? Wait I already asked that, but still are you?" He rambled, I found myself giggling at that and he stared at me.

"I-I'm sorry, I was just laughing at your rambling. Th-Thank you so much for saving me, sir. I'm in your debt." I answered back. I gently put me back onto the ground and stood up tall, he was taller than me, but I didn't mind, I felt slightly safe with this man.

"It was no problem, really. You don't owe me, it's something I do. Um, I found these before, are they yours?" He asked and held out my bow and bag of arrows before me. I smiled and graciously took them back.

"Thank you, uh, I'm sorry what is your name?" I asked shyly

"Donatello, but please call me Donnie"

"Well thank you, Donnie. My name's Violet. Thank you again." I smiled then turned back to the fight on the other rooftop, but couldn't jump for more foot ninja had spotted me and Donatello and jumped over to our rooftop and we started attacking once more, this time with my bow and arrows ready.

"I couldn't jump to join the fight, I had to get in close to use my bow and arrows." Also, the turtles are canonically about 5 foot, give or take a couple of inches. You, Violet, are about six inches taller than Donatello. And they're already on a nicknames basis? What is this; a first date?

Quote :

LILLY'S POV

'Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god! I'm surrounded and I'm so tired. I've already knocked out at least a bazillion of these fashion victims. Those kimono wearing junkies just keep bouncing back once I've use my air attacks against them, it's futile as Violet says.

"You will perish pipsqueak!" They cried.

Pipsqueak? Seriously? AND KIMONOS ARE NOT GODDAMN NINJA GARB.

Quote :

I felt like crying when they said that,

You're not alone.

Quote :

only bullies at school called me that and Riley and Kim always came and helped me out. I am all alone right now and I am scared to death, I want my sisters and, dare I say it, I want Riley! They knocked me off my feet and scraped my arm with their swords and I rolled close to the edge and my nunchucks over the roof. Oh and they were my favourite pair.

They hovered just over me and I closed my eyes and held my arms above my head to brace for impact.

"Hey Buddies! Hasn't your mothers ever told you to respect ladies?" A voice called out in the distance. I was too scared to look up but I heard a whizzing sound that reminded me of my nunchucks and I felt the wind of ninjas flying around brush my skin and send chills up my spin. I could hear that voice again and he didn't sound at all out of breathe.

"Sheesh maybe chivalry really is dead nowadays." I still never looked up until that same voice, my savior's voice, came over to me and gently placed his hand on my shoulder. I tensed but relaxed and slowly let my arms fall and I opened my eyes.

"Hey,are you alright?" I looked up at my savior and my god his eyes were the bluest I have ever seen and I found myself smiling.

"I couldn't get away with my power of air."

Quote :

RILEY'S POVDamn that stupid ninja stole my Shoge and threw my Manrikigusari over and into the abandoned warehouse. Oh man was he asking for it, so I took out my sais, my pride and joy that I only use in emergencies and started my attack. I searched for my next victim and found a shadowy figure moving swiftly towards the spot where Violet was fighting.

'NO!' I thought 'I have already lost her once tonight; you are not taking her away from me again!'

I ran towards the figure and jumped and kicked me right in the jaw. He flew back and hit the wall. He glared and me and charged right back at me with his sais…wait sais? That's my weapon! This guy was using my weapon against me and he was good. But I'm better.I jumped up and did a flip over my head and landed behind me and punched but I dodged and bent down and knocked him off his feet and pinned him down onto the concrete with sais to his neck.

"Oi girly. News flash, I was trying to help your friend over there. I'm on your side, but keep fighting like this and I will get angry and turn against you." He hissed trying to wiggle from underneath me. I laughed, well gawked at his attempts and only pressed harder and his attempts stopped and I leant down and whispered right by his ear.

"I just think that you're just miffed that you got beaten so quickly by a girl." I then released my sais and flipped off of him, smirked and ran off to kick a foot ninja right in the chest and sent him flying.

YOU pinned Raphael? With sais that you just said are your your emergancy weapon; ergo you wouldn't use them as often? And he's letting you? The writer already said they think the turtles are taller than the girls, so you pinned a guy bigger and taller and heavier, he's one of THE turtles, and he's being Raphael-nice about it? Oh, and I thought Violet was falling to her death at that moment, and that it was Don who saved her.

Quote :

NORMAL POV

The girls had been fighting for 1 hour and were all exhausted. Many foot soldiers were beaten and were laying in complete agony all over the rooftop. Karai stood up from being uppercut by Kim and halted the attacks.

She looked around and took in the scenery. Her foot ninjas were everywhere, half were still standing and half were not. The extra group of ninjas were all still standing which surprised her and made her smirk at her powerful ally. All of the girls were beaten and bruised and most had lost some of their weapons.

"Your strength has been weakened and your energy has drained massively. That was our goal tonight. We shall fight no longer tonight, but the next time we meet Kimberley, you and your stupid friends will fall!" She cried and threw smoke pellets to the floor and she and all of the ninjas fled.

"Our goal was not to kill you. We just wanted to tire you out, despite saying otherwise. And now you're tired out and we've still got a dozen ninjas standing, your punch to my jaw has made me think I'll run off now. Bye!"

Quote :

"Why are you all hidden in the shadows? You all vampires or somethin'?"

"Riley" Kim hissed she gave her the warning look trying to hide her curiosity.

"It's cause we don' wanna show you ourselves. That's why." A gruff voice answered. This angered Riley

"Well if it isn't the smart ass guy who got beaten by a girl. What's a matter tough guy, can't handle it so you just gonna' stay in a bad mood?" She smirked at the reaction she got from him

"Why you little….why I outta'" He started but Leo grabbed him behind and held him in place while Kim did the same with Riley.

"What my hot headed brother means here ladies is that you would totally, like, judge us." Mickey answered for Raph.

So, he was Raph-nice about her holding sai to his throat and it's only NOW he wants a punch-up? Yes, I know this is the volatile Raphael we're talking about, but somehow that's the wrong order. And Riley conveniently has a Brooklyn accent. JUST LIKE RAPH.

Quote :

"Yeah and even if we did let us see you, we would be able to thank our heros in person." Violet replied but no one had time to think over what they said before Lilly started to laugh.

"Hey-hey guys, I just thought of something totally funny. I hate needles 'cause I'm afraid that they'll give me a bad side effect and Violet said that there was nothing wrong. Well, I proved you wrong Vi, this little needle has side effects. Ha! Take that!" She answered before falling over with a tranquilizer dart in her hand. Everyone except Kim ran over to her and Violet and Donnie checked her over.

Why only NOW are you mentioning the tranquilizer darts? And why only NOW are you saying that Lilly, who likes everything, hates needles?

Quote :

"Riley, your arm is sprained. Do you want us to help you home?" He asked

Riley and Violet looked at each other and remembered what Kim said earlier 'Don't take us home, but don't take us to hospital either'. They were stuffed and they were lost without their leader and elder sister.

Riley, the wannabe leader, is saying she's fucked without her sister. She doesn't even TRY to take charge. "Don't take us home, but not to a hospital." Okay, so what are they supposed to do with you? Dump you in the street? Incidentally, they've just seen that these are turtles. And they haven't even flinched. Sure, those guys saved their lives but everybody freaks out when they see the giant turtles. Honestly, when humans just take the appearance of the turtles all in their stride, I just think, "Damn."

Quote :

The turtles took the girls back to the lair

Because by now, it's the norm to take somebody you don't even know back to your secret hideout. Well, in TMNT fanfiction, anyway.

Quote :

and they all knew Master Splinter will be helpful to let them take the girls down, but they were curious to what had happened. Who was this Randy Kim spoke of earlier? Why were the girls' so kind and good hearted to accept them and not judge them like they promised.

Because they're Sues. Sues are too kind to judge the turtles by human standards. They're too calm to even flinch or say, "Oh my god" and too smart to think they're dreaming.

Quote :

But more importantly, Leo wondered why the girl in his arms made him feel like he should not be anywhere else except by him. Why he was so nervous when she fell and why were the foot so interested in her and her sisters?
But what they were all so worried about was that new clan that the girls knew of "fondly"? The turtles soon realized that they will need answers and if so, they would help them. Leo knew right then and there that they all had a new mission, new allies, hopefully and a new, powerful enemy to deal with. He hoped that he and his brothers could help these girls and also that they wouldn't be mad at where they end up, who with and hopefully not that mad that some of their weapons went overboard back at the fight. He knew Riley was like Raph and she lost two of her weapons and he knew what would come when she remembered. They boys got home and settled the Lilly and Kimberley in Donnie's lab and settled Riley on Raph's bed and Violet on Donnie's bed. That night all Leo could think about was 'What's coming?'

Riley on Raph's bed? They just fought! You're concerned about them fighting more! And she's on his bed in his room?

As for what's coming... I dread to think.

NOTHING in this fanfic, from ages to using powers to how the original character act to how the canon characters act makes even the smallest piece of shit-worth sense. It's horrible. HORRIBLE, I tell you. And I want to CRY.

Ok I don't know the fandom but i like your comment...just wondering those 4 Sues are sister with the same father and mother but the "author" wrote that they are 19 1/2 19 18 1/2 and 18 years old so there's roughly 6 months difference between each sister.....are they human?

countrygirl wrote:

Ok I don't know the fandom but i like your comment...just wondering those 4 Sues are sister with the same father and mother but the "author" wrote that they are 19 1/2 19 18 1/2 and 18 years old so there's roughly 6 months difference between each sister.....are they human?

From the description, I'm wondering if they're clones, or genetically engineered lifeforms of some sort, that appear to be human, but in reality are not...
( A 6 month gestation period would either indicate some sort of accelerated growth, inside the (artificial ?) womb, or a non human parent...).
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quadruplets whose ages differ in increments of six months? There's only one explanation: time travel. Obviously this author is subtly building up to a massive revelation about their past/future and its nonlinearity. It should include robots and dragons, and maybe a wizard for good measure. What those have to do with the TMNT, I have no idea, but it sounds better than this crap.

Or she can't do math. But the former makes for a much better story, wouldn't you say?

Grimley Fieendish wrote:

countrygirl wrote:

Ok I don't know the fandom but i like your comment...just wondering those 4 Sues are sister with the same father and mother but the "author" wrote that they are 19 1/2 19 18 1/2 and 18 years old so there's roughly 6 months difference between each sister.....are they human?

From the description, I'm wondering if they're clones, or genetically engineered lifeforms of some sort, that appear to be human, but in reality are not...
( A 6 month gestation period would either indicate some sort of accelerated growth, inside the (artificial ?) womb, or a non human parent...).
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Or the author is just so stupid she doesn't realize your average pregnancy lasts for nine months.

I have known some women who've had several kids less than a year apart, but six months? Not unless you're growing them in test tubes.

Not only that...but there is serious danger of Sue babies being born!

Braigwen wrote:

Not only that...but there is serious danger of Sue babies being born!

Mutant Witch half-turtle Sue Babies. The worst kind.

Oh god, now I'm thinking of a sex scene with the turtles and it's just... sweet merciful heavens, no.

Quote :

That day we were all at school, we came home to discover what took place. Quickly we packed our bags with belongings, personal stuff, money and memoirs and fled all over the world

They left their home at age 12 and have travelled around the world until now.

So how the heck did they go to high school? Let alone go to highschool enough to get positions as Captains of various things since they keep getting attacked so damn much.

Oh, that one's easy. First, they're Sues. And secondly, they probably achieved all those things BEFORE THE AGE OF 12. Now remember, I'm skipping the bits that make sense, and I don't snark bad spelling unless it's REALLY bad.

Anyway, next chapter. I wonder if the worst is done with?

Quote :

Riley's POV

I awoke the following morning to the sounds of fighting and tackling downstairs. The events of last night still clear as day within my head. I stood out of bed and discovered I was in Raphael's bedroom.

'Oh great,' I thought 'Just perfect.'

I walked over to the door and opened it a crack and poked my head outside. I was greeted to a seemingly narrow hallway that had a balcony overlooking the living room and kitchen. I stepped over to the balcony and saw Violet coming out of it, I'm guessing, Donatello's bedroom. She saw me and she silently ran over.

What? You've known these guys a few MINUTES and you not only know that the turtles would put Violet into Donatello's room, but also that it IS Donatello's room? I was wrong. It CAN get worse.

Quote :

"What about Juliet and Lilly?" She had used Kim's special nickname, she and Lilly only called her that in rare times, like when they were nervous or scared or both.

Or falling to your death.

Quote :

We quickly ran down the stairs into the living room, but we quite literally bumped into a quite large rat.

End Riley's POV

"Oh my gosh, we are so sorry sir." Violet said while she and Riley helped the rat up. "Are you alright?"

"There is no need for apology, I am fine. I am glad to see you both awake and well. I am Master Splinter, it is a pleasure to meet you, Riley and Violet Anderson." He replied bowing. The girls bowed in return with respect.

"Thank you for your hospitality Master Splinter. We appreciate what you and your family have done for us in the last 12 hours." Riley answered respectfully.

"I not only know your first names, but also your last name." They don't ask HOW he knows. Ever. Oh, and no panic from each of them about the giant rat. No panic AT ALL. Violet zoned out before anybody could tell her anything, and she's fine. Riley hasn't been told anything that we're aware of. Not the slightest hint of surprise. I don't CARE that these girls are unusual, are they not even going to COMMENT on their rescuers are giant turtles? Utrom Shredder was surprised. Max Winters was surprised. They were aware of strange and amazing things and they were still surprised but never do these girls show even the slightest surprise.

Quote :

Violet didn't object, but she borrowed some of Donnie's bandages and wrapped up her knee from scraping it across the building, her left hand was protected with band aids and gently wrapped from holding onto the ledge. She looked up to see Donnie finishing Riley's sprained arm and gave her some aspirin and let her go sit with Kim. Violet shyly walked up to Donnie and he smiled at her.

"I didn't know you were a whiz at medicine." He chuckled

"I'm trying to learn to be a doctor." She said only lying about her trying when really none of her sisters could go back to college anymore and study what they wanted to.

"I think that's great. Being a turtle and living down here doesn't give me all that I need to help my family when they are injured."

She wraps up a scraped knee and suddenly he thinks she's a whiz at medicine? Please, PLEASE tell me he's kidding? Unfortunately she doesn't react like he's kidding. Incidentally, Donatello has never been shown to have trouble getting whatever he needed to make anything or fix anything up.

Quote :

"You do realize that Kim is going to be pretty pissed when she hears that they took us all back to their home." Riley said quietly

"If she wakes up this time." Violet whispered

"Hey, c'mon Ella Bella, Juliet has been through worse, hell she's been worse. She hasn't left us before and she'll fight harder to come back quicker this time. It's Kim, she always comes back." Riley said sadly.

Shame. You know, this switching between nicknames - half of which are barely explained - is really confusing. Especially when all the girls are so alike. You know, like clones.

Quote :

"I agree with hot head on this one Ella." A gentle voice said hoarsely beside them.

"Lila!" Violet cried happily "Oh thank goodness you're okay."

"Yeah well, I wish I woke up somewhere else, like a pizza parlor with a different conversation beside me." She giggled

"For once, I'm glad to be insulted by you. Welcome back Tiger." Riley said amused

"Okay now honestly, tell me….is breakfast ready?"

Riley and Violet laughed quietly as to not wake Kim up.

"How 'bout I go get some pizza?" Riley suggested

Pizza? PIZZA?! OH SHIT OH SHIT now they love pizza too? And this is Mikey's girl we're talking about (although I keep having to check the bios to make sure I don't confuse the names). Oh, and there's NO reason for the mention of the Pizza parlour. It doesn't bring Mikey running in. It's just there to remind us how perfect the girls are for the turtles.

Quote :

"Miss Lilly, I am glad you are feeling better. I am Master Splinter, you have all met my sons already and this is Mr. Casey Jones and his partner Miss April O'Neil. Miss O'Neil, Mr. Jones, this is Riley, Violet and Lilly Anderson. Kimberley is unfortunately still asleep in
Donatello's lab." April and Casey stood up and shook their hands and sat back down.

And for the rest of the chapter, and most of the fic, they don't do anything else.

Quote :

"Now, Miss Riley, if you wouldn't mind, would you like to explain to us why you and your sisters were attacked last night on the rooftops?"

Splinter asked gently not wanting to push them. The three sisters all stared at each other wondering who and where to start and what they should say to these strangers. Riley was about to speak when Violet cut in first.

"These goons are bounty hunters that hunt for skilled ninjas to join either them or the goons who hired them in the first place." Riley then took over for Violet there.

"Those guys have been after us for awhile, always with a different buyer. Sometimes, though, they want us for their team 'cause we're probably the only group of young, skilled ninjas, black belt, all four of us thank you, and have whopped their behinds and we were never caught once over this whole time." She finished. Everyone was staring at them, all with different expressions, the boys with admiration, April and Casey with shock and Splinter showed a pleased, yet timid expression about them as a threat.

Soon Lilly broke the silence. "We appreciate what you have done for us, but we promise we aren't here to hurt anyone. Master Splinter,
we are no threat and we 100% understand your concerns and fears about us being targets."

Last chapter they wanted to destroy you. Now you're saying they want you to JOIN them? Always these goons, the Foot Clan, have a different buyer? The word is 'employer'. You're black belts, have magical powers, and have always whupped their asses before. What's new now? Oh, and they're no threat? And they already understand about being targets? I think I know what the writer means but she always puts it so goddamn BADLY.

Oh, and another thing - all four of you being black belts? Who taught you? You were moving around all that time? WHO TAUGHT YOU ALL THIS SHIT YOU KNOW?! How did you stay in one place long enough to acquire black belts? The black belt isn't a skill level - though it is an indication of it - it's like... a certificate.

Quote :

Splinter relaxed after and smiled,

And never again did he even question them about their motives, why they're hunted, or if they would be a danger to his family.

Quote :

then Mikey, being Mikey, asked something stupid.

"Who's this Randy dude?"

Being the only one asking any questions of these total strangers, I'd say he's the smartest right now.

Quote :

The girls immediately flinched and Lilly paled while Violet started breathing heavily with Riley trying to calm her down.

"MICHELANGELO!" Splinter yelled "We must not ask too much about their personal lives! We must not pressure them with questions." Splinter looked to Lilly who seemed better once he said that and Riley held Violet as she was calming her breathing. All were grateful they didn't have to answer that particular question.

"Sorry dudettes" Mikey apologized feeling lousy and saddened at reactions.

"Tha-That's okay Michelangelo. I-It's just it's mostly Kim's past, not ours. She'd rather not talk about, not even to us. She'd kill me if she knew I told you all this." Violet quietly said still in Riley's embrace.

If it's Kim's problem, why did all the girls panic at that name?

And another thing - Splinter NEVER raises his voice, especially over a little thing like that. And Mikey wouldn't be feeling lousy - chances are he'd push harder. "We must not ask too much about the personal lives of these total strangers." What the HELL?

Quote :

"Thank you for your concern sir, but I am more than capable to walk, especially if my family needs me." Kimberley answered while looking almost brand new. Her IV was out of her arm, she stood up tall and had almost perfect balance, her eyes were still sunken and had dark circles, but she still fought with herself to stay awake and half her sisters. Everyone was surprised and her sisters jumped up and ran towards Kim pulling her into a massive bear hug. Kim flinched when Lilly touched her bruised shoulder and she flinched quickly but she masked it with a genuine smile that her sisters were safe. Leo seemed to be the only one who noticed her flinch and he could see through her mask. She reminded him of him, especially the time he was severely injured and they all took refuge at Casey's farm house. He knew that he would do everything exactly as Kim had done. He admired her determination and will power and love for her family.

"Miss Kimberley, are you sure you are alright? Donatello has informed me of your injuries." Splinter asked gently.

He sure didn't inform us. Last chapter the girls were 'worn out' but they only gave cursory mentions to injuries, and now her injuries are bad enough to be compared to the ones that put Leo out for two weeks? Of COURSE he notices her.

Quote :

"Thank you for your help, all of you. But I know of what my sisters have said and I'm not mad, but we do not want to get you all involved with things that could destroy you." Kimberley said generally grateful and serious. "I do not want to risk all of your safety because of us. These ninjas are cunning. They stop at nothing to get their target and they always find us, nowhere is safe. And since they have not only teamed up with another group of ninjas, but also another boss. They supposedly know of our history, we cannot be certain, but we do not wish to risk it nor the safety of your lives."

"They stop at nothing." They sure stopped pretty early last night. If they always find you, and found you last chapter, why are you still here? Why didn't you move on again two months ago? Why did that chase scene have to be there, for any reason other than to show off your mind-link powers?

Quote :

Splinter appreciated their concern, especially since they're not human, but as a father, he couldn't bare imagine what the Shredder had in store for these sisters. He also thought of their parents somewhere out there.

When did this fanfic ever say they're not human? When did they find out they're not human? If they found out they're not human, wouldn't he have a few more questions for them? Why - what - huh?

Quote :

"Miss Anderson, we appreciate your concern, but my sons and I can handle anything. And I am sure that Miss O'Neil and Mr. Jones can too. We would like to help you all, if you would let us. You can barely stand and you are all still recovering from your injuries. You are all in no shape or form to fight. Forgive me for sounding intrusive and argumentative, but what about your parents? Like them, I am worried for your safety." Splinter explained gently to them. He really did want to help the sisters.

Kim looked at her sisters faces and saw fear for what happened earlier, but they also showed the fear of staying there and ruining somebody else's seemingly perfect lives, even if they weren't human. They silently pleaded to go home so Kim shook her head. Raph had had enough, they saved them and she thinks they couldn't handle themselves.

He exploded.

"That's it! You think you're so great, how come we had to save your asses back there last night? Hmmmm? What, you think we can't handle ourselves…."

"RAPH!" Leo warned him but he continued

"I think it's you who can't handle yourselves!"

"RAPHAEL!" Splinter yelled

"I want to know how many people Miss Anderson, oh fearless leader here, has pushed away who have wanted to help! C'mon elder one,
how many?!"

"Raph!" Casey and April tried

"Raph!" Donny and Mikey yelled

"I want to know what her parents think of her right now. Did she run away 'cause she hated them? Did mummy and daddy not give you the pony you wanted?"

Now he's asking the sensible questions. But I have a few points to make - first, why did the girls have so much trouble in that gap of staring at feet, saying simply that their parents are dead? After all, they didn't have much trouble mentioning the ninjas after them. Also, the 'pony' gag is only applicable for rich or single children. This is a bad attempt to build up tension for when they DO say their parents are dead.

Quote :

"Oh that's right, little Kimmy ran away 'cause she didn't get her precious pony. How can you lead your sisters when you won't talk to them? What kind of leader and elder sister are you? Maybe your parents threw you out because you were a horrible child and you just ordered your younger sisters to come! You're a horrible leader and an even worse elder sister!"

This is the sort of thing Raphael might come out with to insult Leo, but he would NOT say it to specifically insult a stranger with whom he had no beef. This just confirms that Kim is a rip of Leo. And more bad attempt to build up tension, which could be done much better.

Quote :

"RAPHAEL!!!" Splinter roared. Raph stopped there and saw everyone starring at him with the most dangerous looks ever. He
saw the sisters, Kim kept er head down, hiding her face, Violet was open mouthed and speechless, Lilly looked away pain written in her feature and Riley looked ready to blow a gasket.

"Why you….!" She started, but a hand shot out stopping her, it was Kim. She looked up with a blank expression all over her face. Her sisters were scared and they knew when she gave that look, it meant no more talking.

What did I say about Splinter never raising his voice? And that whole tantrum is WAY over the top even for Raphael. Especially with strangers. I'm sorry, he's volatile but not like that.

Quote :

"The goons have been chasing us since we were 12 and when Lilly was 11. They chased us globally and I've lead my sisters the whole time. I never went to college, but I gave these 3 a chance, they chance I never had, but they found us. I was working more jobs than I can count and found my family food, clothing and shelter. They had the best childhood I could give them, I never had a good childhood because my nights were filled with nightmares, while I gave comfort and protection and a good life to my younger sisters." She explained calmly, she started to walk back to the lab, but stopped halfway.

"Oh and about my parents….they died because of the bounty hunters. They're dead. I have no parents, no protection, no warmth. I've spent 7 whole years of my life with no parents and a life of running and hiding. No parents, no love, just ghosts, only a distant dead memory."

More shit about how they travelled all over the world but were still amazing. How did they get into college with no money, no parents, no homes or ANYTHING? And why is Kim the only one who never went to college? If she never went, how could she get many jobs? If she had jobs, where did the time to train come from? How did she get jobs at 12? Paper rounds don't exactly pay rent and college money. When did she train her sisters if she was always working? If she never went to college how come she got all those 'Captain of the everything' skills?

I know you can do a lot, and overwork yourself but no matter how much you do, there are only 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week.

Wait, now it's SEVEN years you've been without parents? Last chapter it was five! Well, at least that makes you 19 but that also means that while you were on the run you found the time, at 13 (six years ago) to have a boyfriend whom you spent enough time with to love enough to break your heart.

Quote :

With that said, Kim left towards Donnie's lab and the door shut behind her, closing out the memories and the pain Raph caused her, even though she wouldn't admit it.

When the door closed Raph was met with 5 death glares and 3 deadly murderous faces.

Nothing but silence could be heard from Donnie's lab. And nothing could be heard from that very same room for the rest of the day, no one dared enter, not even the girls.

How is a death glare different from a deadly murderous face? That means Splinter? And not even Donny? He didn't get to go on his computer or work on ANY of his stuff all day?

End of chapter two. Well, the second chapter without bios, anyway.

Splinter is SO out of character. He shouts, he glares, he doesn't ask questionsthat he would normally ask to keep his family safe. Raphael is pretty bad too - yes he's snappy but he had ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to get at Kim. He always has a REASON. Not always a good one, but even if it's bad we can see it. KIM IS NOT LEO. Well, you shoulldn't be playing this Original Character so that Raph would react to her the way he would react to Leo.

And the maths here is ABYSMAL. At 12, Kim is travelling the world, getting many jobs and training herself in the twin katana and magic, and if you check the bio, to the level of black belt in Tai-Chi, Kung-Fu, and Judo. Not just hobbies, but to perfect levels of skill. Her sisters are going to college. You mean high-school, I'm sure? Because you can't go to College if you haven't been to high-school. How did you ever manage to find the time to enrole or be the captain of stuff...

Oh, you know what? It's impossible. Let's just stick with saying that what they've done is IMPOSSIBLE. Schools wouldn't ALLOW them to enrole on their own at 12. Not all schools would ask that many questions, but you would need an adult to sign a bunch of forms. How did they get the money to keep travelling? To live? Even refugees have to pay to get into a country. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. It's a real brain breaker. And a glaring Sue trait.

Holy hell. All I can say is... I'm so glad this isn't my fandom right now. Even though I have very limited knowledge of TMNT(never really got into it), the assraping is still obvious.

...You know something's really wrong when you can tell exactly which stereotype a Sue is going to represent within the first few lines of their bios.

New rule.

No one is allowed to write a foursome of OFCs for the TMNT-verse unless they are samurai salamanders named Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Moth, and Mustardseed.

Cactus Wren wrote:

New rule.

No one is allowed to write a foursome of OFCs for the TMNT-verse unless they are samurai salamanders named Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Moth, and Mustardseed.

Nice one, though I suspect that someone might try to dig up an old copy of Palladium's TMNT Role Playing Game, & try to generate the above for possible use in a fanfic...
( I still think that the "Sues" are in reality, escaped mutant animals with the Full Human Appearance advantage, & implanted false memories...).
Btw, Cactus Wren, like the sig... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Four Sues, one for each turtle. That's what really gets my attention. I mean, you get used to seeing one Sue for a gal's favorite turtle (or whatever) but FOUR? Team Sue? Teenage Mutant Ninja Sues?

Anyway, time for Chapter Four, which is really Chapter 3 because a set of Bios isn't really a chapter. Will it get any better? Can it get any worse? The writing this chapter is appalling and makes up for its tendency to make a jot of sense. Most of the chapter makes some sense, but JESUS if the writer has the most AWFUL ways of putting things. She describes what she doesn't need to, and doesn't explain anything she should.

Quote :

Violet's POV

It's been exactly 8 hours since Juliet shut herself up in Donnie's lab, 7 hours since Master Splinter, the turtles
and April and Casey finally finished yelling at Raphael and preciously 2 minutes, 8 seconds since Riley stopped yelling at him. For the past 7 ½ hours, Lilly and I have been trying to get Juliet to open the lab door and talk. We figured 30 minutes alone and to calm down was enough time, but not 7 ½ hours and we were worrying ourselves sick. Kim was right though, she had given up a whole lot and she still does and she doesn't expect nor want anything in return, except our safety and happiness. Her next birthday comes up in 4 or so months and us 3 should all do something for her. My god, those injuries of hers scare me and her
emotionless face from Raph's outburst is still in my head. I doubt we're staying long, too bad, Master Splinter seems really kind and he really is worrying about our safety. Too bad.

Everybody telled at Raphael for an HOUR? Would Raphael really take that? No, he'd barge out and go and see a movie or drink himself stupid at a cheap bar. And Riley managed to yell at him for almost 8 hours? The author seems to have forgotten how to spell numbers.

So, Kim's birthday is four months away. Will this birthday come up? Well, the frequency with which irrellevant events and skills are mentioned in this fic, I doubt it.

Quote :

I doubt we're staying long, too bad, Master Splinter seems really kind and he really is worrying about our safety. Too bad.

What's that mean, anyway?

Quote :

Lilly's POV
7 hours 31 minutes 8 seconds and 23 milliseconds … 7 hours 31 minutes 9 seconds … 7 hours 31 minutes 12 seconds …Argh! I can't take much more of this. I want Juliet, give me back Kimmy-Kins! I want my sister back! Okay, okay, deep breathe, deep breathe…okay I'm good…ARGH!

Did I mention that Kimmy-Kins is the most STUPID nickname ever? It's the sort of thing you'd call your sibling to annoy them, not because you love them. And all this nickname switching is REALLY confusing. So, what was the point of that POV? To show Lilly has ADHD or something?

Quote :

Riley's POVThat jerk! How dare, he doesn't know squat about what our family has gone through these past 7 years! He thinks he
knows us, he thinks he knows Kim, the thinks he's so great and almighty it makes me sick! Kim's my hero and I look up to her and I let her know in my own way. Kim has done everything for us and … okay, maybe I forget that and all I do is complain and fight with her, but I love her, she's my sister and no walking, talking, giant turtle bastard insults my sisters!

She says all she does is argue with and fight with Kim but we haven't seen any of that yet. So far we've just seen that it makes them more like Leo and Raphael.

Quote :

Kim's POV

Writing. That's what I've been doing the last half hour. The rest of the time I've been gathering my thoughts and re-gaining my composure. That Raphael has no idea about us and he won't find out. How dare he, I didn't want them to get hurt, that's no crime.
My parents would be proud of me, not wish I was dead and kicked me out of my childhood home.

Okay, NOW it's fucked up. Only last chapter you were saying your parents were - oh wait, I get it. Wait, writing? What is she writing? Why? I scan through the chapter and nope, no reason for the writing. If you assume it's a journal because journals are another thing that Sues seem to possess, why would she be carrying her journal around casually? Maybe she's just writing poetry on a piece of scrap paper? SUE! It doesn't matter though, because this is just another of those events that isn't explained and serves no purpose. But she's supposed to be looking out for her sisters and she just locks herself away for seven hours? Most people sort themselves out after half-an-hour, some can take up to two, but SEVEN HOURS?!

Anyway, she comes out.

Quote :

Kim always did what was best for her family, always. She turned around and saw a picture worthy sight, Riley was trying to pounce on Lilly and Lilly was trying to hide, Violet was trying to restrain Riley, while Donnie was trying to keep Lilly from running and hiding. She saw that Donnie and Violet were similar and had a sort of connection.

Gee, y'think? What tipped you off? No, really, it's glaringly obvious to US, but how did SHE know that Donny and Violet are similar? She hasn't even SPOKEN to Donatello yet. Already the pairings are getting ready.

Quote :

She was still going to keep her guard up and look out for her sisters and these guys, it wasn't because she hated them instantly, it was because that was how they all were at first.

Take a look at that sentance. The writer feels the need to explain to us that Kim does not hate the turtles, when we've had two chapters showing us of all four sisters accepting the mutant ninja turtles instantly. The writer feels the need to tell us that 'that's how they all were at first'. What the HELL is that supposed to mean? They all are that way? What way? Look out for her sisters and these guys? How? It's a sentance that really fucks up your "What? When? Why?" meter.

Quote :

"Yes, we accept your invitation. Thank you, all of you, again. My sisters and I will stay out of your way and try not to be a bother."

"Miss Kimberley, I can assure you that you will be of no bother to us. Our families are a little more alike than you think. Please, make yourselvesat home. You are welcome to stay as long as you need to." He smiled, bowed once more and left to what Kim assumed was his room.

How does SPLINTER know their families are more alike than she thinks? He hardly knows anything about them either. And they are welcome to stay as long as they like? Already? No "Until you are fit to go", no prolonged discussion on who these girls are and what the Foot wants with them? Once again, as he constantly does in this fanfic, Master Splinter displays COMPLETE irresponsibility for the safety of his family, which is usually something he is absolutely FRANTIC for.

Quote :

Kim looked back to Leo, Mikey, Casey and April. She realized that she hadn't introduced herself to them probably. "I'm so sorry, I'm Kimberley Anderson." Kim said sticking her hand out for April to shake.#

"I'm April O'Neil, nice to meet you."

Kim shook Casey's hand next. She had a really strong grip.

"Casey Jones. I'm impressed, no one's stood up to Raph before, well except Leo here."

"I'm trying very hard not to be insulted here Casey." Leo replied with humor

Introductions, again? Oooh, Casey thinks she has a strong grip? This six and a half foot man thinks she has a strong grip? That's just... just adds to how amazing she is. Oh, has nobody ever stood up to Raphael before? Mikey does it all the time. And Splinter. And Casey, for that matter.

Oh, and Leo? What could Casey have possibly said that could be insulting? Is that supposed to be some kind of JOKE?

Quote :

Kim looked over to Leo and recognized those eyes, he was the one that saved her and the last face she saw before falling unconscious.

She recognises him JUST BY HIS EYES. Good grief.

Quote :

"You're welcome, but I would like to thank you for not screaming or judging myself and my family."

"Yeah, most dudes and fabulous dudettes such as yourselves have taken to us so quickly. Thanks." Mikey added

Mikey forgot the 'not'. Unless he's referring to the way that all TMNT fanfiction with OCs has them adapting instantly.

Quote :

Kim smiled at them "Well, Leonardo, Michelangelo, we aren't most girls."

"We're SUES!"

Quote :

Kim finally looked up and saw Raphael, she gave no reaction. They both stood there watching each other with their arms crossed not saying a single word. Raph finally relaxed, let guilt cover his eyes and he spoke.

"Hey Kim, I uh, about before…look I'm sorry alright. I shouldna said that. I didn't know nothing 'bout you and your past,
especially your parents. I'm sorry for what I said and I'm sorry 'bout your parents." Raph finished, his brothers were surprised, but proud
none the less.

Anybody familiar with TMNT would know that Raphael NEVER apologises. At best you'll get a grunted 'sorry' or maybe some lines that concede he might have been possibly wrong, but 'I'm sorry'? No, that is SO OOC. And notice how Raphael and Kim are for some reason in what you might normally call a Raph vs Leo stance.

Quote :

"Oh, by the way…stay away from my sisters Raphael. Especially Riley, I know you think she's attractive and that you think
she's feisty and that you like feisty, attractive girls.

HOW?! How do you know that? HOW?! They spent seven hours screaming at each other and you 'know' Raphael's attracted to Riley?

Quote :

If you go near her, you'll have to deal with me and trust me, you don't want that. So stay away from her and Vi and Lilly and we'll get along just fine." She finished and continued back to the 'family' fight. She thanked Donnie and took charge and all four sisters went back to the lab to rest while Donnie went over and joined his brothers where Raph stood there quite shocked.

For he had just met a female clone of his brother Leo. But if she is a clone, is he gonna let her push him around? Telling him to stay away? He's just giving in right there? SO not Raphael.

Quote :

"Oi, shut up the lot of ya!" Raph yellzed
Everyone stopped

laughing then and there "Besides, what else does she know? She could know anything and everything about all of us, including Splinter! I don't trust those four sisters."

These are questions that the sensible turtles should be asking. They're certainly questions WE are asking. But Raph just gets chewed out for it.

Quote :

"I do. They seem really nice Raph." Donnie said "Besides we aren't the ones who got screamed at by a turtle and had that same turtle hurt our feelings with lies about their pasts which then turned out not to be true."

"Donnie has a point Raph," April agreed "And Kim did say that they've been followed since the age of 12."

"I think you're definetly being too harsh Raph." Casey added

"Dude, we should get to know them before judgement day." Mikey said

"Mikey's right. We don't know anything about them, your outburst proved that Raph. We're all going to be friendly and help them. If they want to say anything about their past then we'll listen, but we don't push them." Leo said gently as to not anger Raph
and have the sisters listen in on their conversation

Raphael does not instinctively hate everybody he meets. Now, everybody, includig Raph-Clone Casey, trusts the girls, and he is wrong for not doing so.

Quote :

"Call me Leo, Kimberley."

"Call me Kim in that case. Thank you, Leo." She smiled and he closed the door as he left.

He could hear Kim singing faintly again behind the door, but decided not to tell her

he had heard her. He figured she only did it to herself and her sisters.

'It's a shame,' Leo thought, 'Her voice is so beautiful. I could listen to it all day.'

Leo smiled one last time and left upstairs and straight to bed, but for some reason, he could still hear Kim's singing inside his head and then he dreamt about her. It all confused Leo and he fell asleep confused.

Oh SHIT, she has a beautiful but useless singing voice that attracts the appropriate tutrle? SHIT SHIT SHIT.

Quote :

Oh SHIT, she has a beautiful but useless singing voice that attracts the appropriate tutrle? SHIT SHIT SHIT.

She's obviously a Siren. She's trying to lure him onto the rocks so he'll smash and drown. Or into her bed, which I don't even want to consider the implications of

Wow, for Sues, who are so powerful, they really suck at fighting. And they're so whiny! If they're so powerful, why do they all freak when one of them is out of their sight for more than 30 seconds?

How on earth did you manage to make it through this fic? The parts you quoted were so confusing, I felt like I do when someone tries to explain anything scientific to me. It actually gave me a headache.

I don't know much about the TMNT, having only seen the movie (and I'm not talking about that abomination they released a few years ago, I mean the original), but even I could tell that the characters were OOC.

Quote :

"Dude, we should get to know them before judgement day." Mikey said

By the way, what is "judgment day"? Is that some kind of turtle thing, or does he mean the one before the world is supposed to end?

So witch = not human? Maybe Splinter has a sue sensing device and he's decided just to go along with everything for the time being until hes learned to kill them.

Spoiler:

I know, kelley, it's weird. They claim in their bios to have all these SUPER SPESHUL SKILLZORS, but they don't USE them. If these turtle freaks are willing to help you, why can't you just tell them about your powers? I mean, the Foot know.

Having powers to make you stand out and yet them really having almost no point in the story is a Sue thing.

So far, all the good guys like them... Raphael has apologised to Kim. He NEVER apologises. If you've watched the shows or anything he never says he's sorry if he can help it. But Kim's even just mentioned with her romance sensing powers that Raph has a thing for a gal he's been screaming at for hours. Then she tells him to back off and he just TAKES that?

If the girls had mind link powers why couldn't they just talk to Kim that way? Why didn't they even TRY? Seven hours is a VERY long time to be alone. And you'd think Don could get into his own room.

It's all so... blindingly confusingly Sueish. Clone Sues, combined with terrible writing.

PSA: Adding -zors to anything, especially things that don't end in X or CKS, stopped being considered funny by 99% of the planet as of 2003.

Penguin, you remind me of Sonic fans.

Anyway, Chapter Four now. Getting To Know A Brick Wall. Gosh that must be a play on the name of a song! Anyway, it can't possibly get any WORSE, can it? I'm afraid it can... because this chapter starts off with solo training.

Quote :

It was 6am in the morning when Kim awoke. She looked around and realized that she was still in Donnie's lab with Lilly and Violet holding tightly to her waist and Riley sleeping next to her. Kim very slowly pried Lilly and Violet's arms off, helped Lilly's lower body from falling off the bed, took another blanket from the opposite bed and placed it over her sister and kissed their foreheads before silently slipping out, turning off the light and closing the door behind her.

Aw, how CUTE. She's being smothered by her sisters! And she manages to get out from under them without waking them, despite claims of bad dreams and having to stay awake. Anyway, this is all an elaborate ruse to get her on her own for no reason other than SHOWING OFF.

Quote :

Kim took a minute to wake up and she wondered around to find her way to any kind of light switch. When she didn't find any, she gave up and used her feel of the earth to move around and help her.

Why is she only using it NOW? And how can her 'feel of the earth' help her know where she is? Just what the hell does 'feel of the earth' powers mean? That's the thing with being vague on description - powers can do a shitload more when you're not specific. Now they can help her find her way in the dark!

Anyway, she finds her weapons in the training rooms. Then we get to -

Quote :

Kim carefully took hold of her gloves that were black leather and went just past her wrists and put them on. The feel of her new, patched up gloves was weird, but still right and fine all the same. She took her belt and sword and shuriken holders and put them on her hips, waist and back and placed her shuriken in their holder around her waist. Finally, Kim took a hold of her prized possession, her twin Katanas and she slotted them back in the holders on her back.

Wow, those gloves that are black leather are pretty important, huh? When did she have them? When did she take them off? Nope, they've just been put in because black leather is cool. And she's kitting up - once again, she's got weapons that Leo uses, and fuck, she feels the need to tell us that she wears her swords like Leo does too. They're not HOLDERS, they're SHEATHS.

HER PRIZED POSESSIONS, HER TWIN KATANAS. Because Every Japanese Sword Is A Katana. There's no such thing as a ninja-to or a wakazashi (or however it's spelt) or even a bokken. I know I don't need to go over this AGAIN but it's head-bangingly awful.

Quote :

She took a deep breath, relaxed her muscles and took out her Katanas with a SLEESH!

Sheesh indeed. The accepted term for drawing swords is 'tzing' but there's also 'with a metallic sound'. DON'T SPELL SOUND EFFECTS. Nobody will ever agree with you.

Quote :

Kim jumped, hopped, skipped, flipped and tumbled with her swords as if she were really in a fight. Kim 'danced' along the dojo's floor with grace and precision that normal 19 year old girls didn't possess.

Because her powers of mind-reading and earth manipulation are so NORMAL. Jesus, way to vamp up the Sue an extra notch.

Quote :

Soon Kim took out her Shurikens and aimed for the targets. Her eyes narrowed, her hands tightened around the edges of them
and she released her two weapons. They pierced through the air on an angle and they both hit the same target right in the dead centre of the bull's eye.

Your hands can't tighten on shruiken; they're pointy bits of metal. Idiot. But on top of everything else, she has to be a dead shot too. The powers, swords, and agility weren't enough, so now she's a perfect shot too.

Quote :

Kim took out her weapons from the target, put them away and looked around to check that no one was around. Once she knew she was clear, Kim closed her eyes and controlled the earth. Kim kept her eyes closed the whole time and broke pieces of the earth and aimed them for each and every target that was before her.

Her legs were shoulder width apart and her arms were swaying in rhythm to what she wanted accomplished. To finish off, Kim raised one last piece of earth and jumped and kicked it as hard as she could, hoping she aimed for the targets.

When Kim opened her eyes, all of the targets had been hit dead on by each and every pile of earth.

With her eyes closed too.

Quote :

Kim was pleased and satisfied with her work. She quickly said a spell quietly to put everything back to normal

SHIT, they can do that too? Not only can they manipulate the elements, they know spells to put everything back to normal? So nobody even knows she was in there? Or is it just the earth she returned? Good old vagueness right where we don't need it again. And the Lair isn't built on dirt; it's built on concrete.

Quote :

Suddenly Kim and Riley came out of the lab with a heavy sleeping Lilly being carried.

"She's asleep isn't she" Violet called without turning her attention away from the stove.

"How'd you know?" Riley asked sarcastically

Actually, that would only work as sarcasm if Violet had actually LOOKED at her sleeping sister.

Quote :

"Mmmmm…Kimmy-Kub…" Lilly mumbled grabbing onto Kim

"Alright, I've had enough of this." Riley grumbled. She took Lilly's arms off Kim and yelled in her ear "WAKE UP PAIN IN THE BUTT!" But
still, Lilly slept

Yup, Lilly's an extra special heavy sleeper type who can stand being screamed at. And does Riley's attitude remind you of say... Donatello? Of course not.

Quote :

"Lilly! Riley's wearing a pink dress today" Violet called out

"I am not!" Riley retorted. Lilly quickly awoke and ran to meet her sisters.

"Yes! I thought this day would never….no she's not." She rambled

She ran to meeet her sisters? I thought they were carrying her? So that simple statement snapped her awake. I know it's supposed to be funny, but I'm not laughing. This is what passes for humour in this story. What's the big deal with Riley wearing pink anyway? We don't know her well enough to give a shit.

Quote :

"Told ya'" Riley mumbled. Everyone started laughing and they still were when Raph entered

"…What did Mikey do now?" He asked annoyed.

This just made everyone laugh harder and Raph was in the dog house about the joke.

Why's he in the dog house? Doesn't the author know that being in the dog house generally means to be in trouble? Is he in trouble because he missed the joke? What joke? The writer is hereby accepting that her characters are female super-clones of the Turtles, and therefore we are supposed to know that they will act and react exactly as the turtles would. In other words, the show has done all the
characterisation for her. And frankly, it's awful.

Quote :

Leo came into the living room from the dojo and looked around "Anyone seen Kim?" He asked

"Oh, I passed her on my way here. Said somethin' 'bout exploring the sewers." Casey said

Leo quickly grabbed his swords and took off to search for her

In the sewers, Kim was watching herself in the mucky waters on top of a think sewer pipe, singing to herself. Leo heard her voice echo
through the sewers and he darted east to find her.

When Leo found Kim, her knees were brought up close to her chest, her arms wrapped around them and her head was sitting on top of
them.

Great, so now Leo's looking for Kim. So, she doesn't just sing to her sisters... she sings to herself too. Singing is a warning of Sue. Singing to yourself is a gigantic blemish on your resume, kinda in the region of abusing children on the resume of a teacher.

Quote :

"Listen, I don't have to tell you everything or anything." Kim grumbled, looking away from her reflection in the water

"It does if you don't want people to worry about you." Leo reasoned

"Yeah, and I suppose you came to find me 'cause you were worried." Kim replied back sarcastically

"Yes actually"

He was looking for her for the pure and simple reason that he's worried about her. This attitude continues; he had no reason for wondering where she was other than he was worried about her. Because he already adores her that much.

Quote :

"Look!" Kim cried standing up and facing him "I put up boundaries to people, especially boys, who aren't family and just because you helped us out, doesn't mean they fall. It's taken years to build them up and you can't make me break them just for you and just
'cause you're kind and helpful now. That's how they all started out and you're no exception."

"Here's my senseless love-wangst." All the other people who hate us now started off saving our lives and living secret lives in the sewers and you're just the same, you giant turtle! If he's just the same, why is she staying AT ALL?!

She just said she puts up barriers. People who put up barriers to affection generally aren't aware of them, or that they've spent years
building up rock hard. They certainly don't leap to their feet and give a quick phychology lesson how how they've put up barriers. Oh god. It's that kind of relationship where she spends all her time trying to push him away and he is so adoring of her that he keeps trying.

Quote :

"Yeah, so what? We're different! We're not afraid of being different!"

"THEN WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF!?"

"I'M AFRAID OF LOVE AND GETTING HURT AGAIN!!" Kim shrieked

"I WAS RAPED!" Big shout out revalation that is supposed to shock but in fact sucks large amounts of cock.

Quote :

Back at the lair, Mikey and Lilly were discussing favourite comic book Heros.

"There is no way Black Canary is better than Super Girl" Mikey cried

"Dude, Super Girl's always too predictable with her moves, catch phrases and stuff! At least Black Canary is always surprising you with
everything she does!" Lilly cried back

"Fine, lets settle this with a fight!" Mikey fake laughed evilly in the voice of Dark Vador

Lilly quickly paled and took a few steps back. Mikey noticed this and was suddenly worried. "Lilly!" He gently grabbed her shoulders "Are
you alright?"

Good GOD, these girls are pussies. She goes from having fun discussing comics, to a zone-out? "Let's have a fight"? What kind of Mikey-line is that? Is that supposed to be funny in some way?

Quote :

Mikey took her chin and made her look him in the eyes. They were filled with something, something Lilly thought she recognized, but, at the same time, didn't.

"If it's got you scared and sensitive to particular words and phrases and gives you painful memories, it's a big deal. I think it matter, I just want to help." He whispered

Lilly knew that look now, it was trust, kindness and understanding. The three things a boy hasn't shown towards her for, maybe about, 11 months.

Lilly sighed, she knew she could tell Mikey a little something about her. Her mum did always say that talking about your problems helps.

"Well, uh…there was this guy, Dan, he was 19 and really cute and kind. He saved me when some goon tried to rob me. He seemed so kind, at first, then when we started dating, he was always flirting with me constantly and calling me 24/7 like he was kinda stalking me or something."

"Or like he was my boyfriend. You know, cus we were dating." It may show signs of a posessive boyfriend but it's not stalking. You need to go into a little more detail than that to convince us he's a creepy stalker...

Wait, wait...

Quote :

He saved me when some goon tried to rob me.

You? A ninja sorceress thing? You needed SAVING?! Why the fuck do you even HAVE these powers?! And where were your ever-protective sisters who never leave your side? It continues in that vein because the powers are FUCKING POINTLESS.

Quote :

"Dan and my sisters…let's say most recent companions, joined together and hired the dudes in Kimonos, The Reaper Dragons is their name, and paid them to find and kill us.

"My sister's boyfriends, who we dated over the course of SIX GODDAMN YEARS, were so pissed at us dumping them that they jointed together and hired people to kill us - people who are apparently working for other people who want to capture us... uh..."

Quote :

Over time, these guys grudges against us has grown and they're the only ones who have grudges against us. Everyone else who we trusted heard everything about us and they merely called us in human and evil aliens and any other names you can think of and then they ran away from us, never to see us again…one guy even called the police but he was sent to a mental hospital.

Wait, stop right there - one guy EVEN called the police? That was the worst? Oh, and when everybody else you trusted and told the truth to hated you, why are you telling the truth?

Quote :

Dan and his gang, he's not the leader, are now a real gang 'cause they have a name and have killed people if they thought they had information or helped us. They tracked us down here in New York City 2 months ago and they chased into an alley, but we hid and were lucky they didn't find us. That night we packed up, left our keys and notification of never returning to the apartment and left for this secret sanctuary we made the time before that. We were even luckier they didn't see us heading there, but they almost had us that night."

He's not the leader, he's a real gang because they've got a name and killed people. No, that's NOT how you get recognised as a gang. And I don't get it. Wow, they're going to a lot of trouble for getting dumped. Killing somebody for being dumped is a huge "That's how special I am" thing and I really HATE it.

Quote :

Lilly finished her story and her tears came hard and fast. Mikey took her in another hug and was whispering sweet, comforting words to her.

'How can someone be that heartless! Now I know why she paled when I said 'Let's fight'. If I find those 4 heartless so called humans, I'll
kill them all, personally!' He thought

"Because I've just been posessed by Raphael." And I STILL don't get why she paled when he said 'let's fight'. It STILL makes no sense.

Quote :

Kim was perched on one of the beds with her back to Lilly. Lilly walked up to Kim and saw the tear stains on her cheeks.

"Kim, oh god, what happened?"

Kim turned slightly and put on a fake smile and a brave face "Nothing Lills, it's nothing. Go back and hang out with Michelangelo."

"No. I won't. Not until you tell me what's up with my favourite older sister." Kim turned around and looked Lilly in the eyes as she sat
down with her

"I screwed up Lills…I was yelling at Leo to leave me alone and pay no mind to me when he yelled what I was scared of, and…"

"And what? Juliet what?" Lilly urged

"I told him the truth…I told I was scared of love, to love someone and I'm scared of getting hurt again."

"Oh, Kim." Lilly whispered pulling Kim into a much needed hug "It's okay. Why didn't you tell us you were scared and what you were scared of?"

She's her SISTER. And they have that mind link. Why'd she tell Leo and not them? You'd think they'd have worked it out. You'd think they'd KNOW that was what she was really scared of. But no, it has to be something Kim tells Leo so that he can try extra hard to make her love him. God this is bullshitty.

Quote :

Kim heard Lilly's footsteps fade away and she took out some paper and a pen and started to write. She wrote on another page
and liked it to what she wrote previously after Raph yelled at her. That piece of paper was her thoughts and a song "So do I say sorry first?" This one, however, she wanted it to be a song about what Lilly said. She called it 'Come Clean' and so she wrote the song and some instrumental music sheets, just like she used too back in school.

I didn't think she got the chance to go to school. And she WRITES SONGS. That's what she was doing before? Writing a song? She just happens to carry music sheets around with her, and composes music easy as winking? Good GOD, as if she wasn't skilled enough, she found time in her time of getting hunted to learn music? Music isn't easy to learn. Unless of course, you're Sue.

Quote :

"I know you didn't mean to yell, but I also know that what you said was all true."

Kim tried to look away, but Leo stopped her "You can trust me, Kim. Please, trust me" He pleaded with her "I'm not asking for information on what happened in your past. I'm just asking for you to please trust me. I can't help or talk to a brick wall. Please"

Kim didn't say anything, she didn't need to. She simply nodded and relaxed slightly into Leo's arms, a silent promise to try and open up to him. She did trust him and what was what really scared and worried her.

"Please trust the strange giant turtle you've known for a matter of hours."

"NEVAH!"

"Please! I beg you!"

"Oh, okay."

This chapter sucked so hard. Lilly tells her little part of the story and makes us wonder why the girls have powers if they're always getting shit kicked out of them. Kim is a composer as well as a singer, sorceress, ninja and sole supporter of her family. God, did somebody just beam all that knowledge directly into her brain or something? And none of it makes any sense, generates any empathy, or is good writing.

I mean, LOOK at it. Kim gets more abilities that she doesn't need, her powers are not explained, she's given a spell that can return all to normal, oh, and the girls had boyfriends over the course of six years who are so pissed about them leaving, that they've banded together and hired a gang to kill the sisters.

BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST THAT SPECIAL.

This story is just so fucking painful to read.

Re:The last post
After reading Harley's summation of Chapter 4, all I can say is "Can somebody set Baxter Stockman, a horde of Mouser Robots, the Foot's Technoninjas, & 1,000 Elite commandos from the Triceraton Republic on these Sue's please...".
(No, hang on, 10,000 elite commandos from the Triceraton Republic, & at least 1 Tri-base, as I suspect they might have a remote chance of possibly winning against these Sues...).

Here. Have a gushing review:

Quote :

This is a nice idea, the characters are good, but( and please don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I swear) this plot line is TOO PREDICTABLE. They meet, they laugh, each girl falls in love with the turtle most suited for them. And the boys are not in character. It's like they're different people!
It starts out wonderfully, with a great hook, but then when I read the part about each girl falling asleep into their turtle's arms, I got
bored.
There's just too many cliches. And the parts with the boys telling the girls how they love them, they're beautiful, the only ones, etc. were cheesy. The girls are also bordering on being mary-sues. They have too many powers, intelligence, etc. It's just too perfect. Put some problems in and add a little tension.
i really mean only the best here and I just want to help, so please don't take this the wrong way. It definitely has serious promise, I was
really interested when I started reading. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Somebody's afraid of repurcussions.

What do you mean, BORDERLINE Sues? They ARE Sues. Just because they constantly get their asses kicked, doesn't make them less Sue-ish. It just makes me wonder, "Why aren't they using their damn magical powers?!" If anything, the writer totally forgetting about the powers they gave their character makes it even worse because it's bad writing.

"These girls have all these powers. Except they never use them because their true loves need to be able to rescue them."

She's said they're amazing ninjas but we haven't seen hardly anything pertaining to ninja abilities. And yet, without the slightest rractice they apparently remain top-notch.

Sorry about the bump post but there's lots more chapters to snark and nobody else seems interested in such fascinating Sues. We're on Chapter Six - or Five, maybe, Change of Heart. Can it get worse? Sure it can.

Quote :

Kim and Leo were still in Donnie's lab sitting in each other's embrace, but Kim still had something lingering in the back of her mind.

"Leo, why did you come after me after I yelled at you?"

"Because when you're upset you turn all of that pain into anger. I knew when I met you that something was eating away at you and you were feeling so much pain. I wanted to help, so I followed." Leo answered

"I know exactly how you feel instinctively. We have this emotional link. I can read your mind!"

Quote :

Leo took his thumb and whipped away Kim's tears

I don't usually snark spelling but this was too good to miss. Or too bad. Whatever.

Quote :

Riley needed something fun to do, so she started to work out in the dojo with her Sais. She twisted and twirled them effortlessly and did kicks and punches at the punching bag before doing some cartwheels and throwing her Sais at the targets, getting two bulls eyes.

Riley pulled her Sais out of the targets and sensed a presence. She pretended to be doing some punches when the presence was behind her and she back flipped and pinned them on their stomach. It was Raph…of course.

What the hell do you mean 'of course'? Oh, and she just 'sensed' his presence but she didn't know who it was? And she's pinning Rapael face down? She must be sitting on his shell, he weighs 180lbs and is apparently taller than her in this fic, and she's just pinning him down casually? Also, she got bullseyes while throwing both sai and cartwheeling? COME ON!

Quote :

Riley got off of Raph and helped him up "Ya' know I'm getting really sick of you pinning me to the floor." He complained crossing his arms

"No you aren't." She replied "And you never will"

"Yeah? What makes you think that, kitten?"

"You don't struggle - no, wait, I'm better than you, so I must be able to tell from some other way."

Quote :

"You're a few inches away from my lips and you've uncrossed your arms. Not to mention how you didn't struggle underneath me and your body temperature rose while you were pinned. You didn't realize you moved, did you?" She said smugly

She was right, Raph hadn't realized at how close they were or his body language or even when he had moved for that matter.

Great, so now she's also a great reader of body language. And they're just inches apart. Wow, kissing distance! Raphael doesn't seem to worry about this and rectify it. We pretty much just move on to what is surely the worst part of the whole story...

Quote :

Violet and Donnie were out in the sewers putting up new and better alarms and video cameras when Donnie had a sudden thought"Hey Vi, why haven't you or your sisters asked any of us how we came to be? Not that I'm being cocky or anything, just….well why?" He asked, Violet didn't even turn her attention towards him. She just kept working on wiring an alarm system at the bottom of the footpath and spoke.

"Well Donnie, I merely thought out the possibilities. I knew there was no alien possibility, because aliens wouldn't be, well, on Earth. I also knew that it wasn't birth, so I merely concluded that you four were once 4 baby turtles, cute one's mind you, who fell down a sewer drain and into some toxic waste, such as a canister of T.G.R.I mutagen from the chemical lab that went out of business which then turned you four into humanoid turtles, intelligent ones. Splinter walked into the ooze too and transformed into a humanoid rat, then he adopted you four as he sons, very lovely, and trained you as ninjas from what he learned from watching his master while he was still his pet rat. Then he named you after his four favourite, greatest renaissance masters, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael which made you the TMNT, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

WHAT THE FUCK?! She just got into New York two months ago, and she knows about the TGRI thing from 18 years ago? And she worked out all that shit? Who is she; Sherlock Holmes? That is the hugest load of bullshit that I ever did hear. And even if she just 'surmised' all that in three seconds, why did her sisters not freak out? Are they as amazing as she is? Of course they are - they're Sues.

But shit, that's still a really crappy reason for not being even surprised. "I'm just that smart!"

Quote :

The next few days went by and everyone seemed to be getting along with each other. April and Casey came down a few times, but apart from that it was all regular and uneventful. Raph and Riley kept having a fight here and there and practiced in the dojo, Lilly and Mikey were having fun reading comics and playing games as well as playing the once in a while prank of Riley and Raph, which earned at good chase. Violet and Donnie were getting along and Violet kept on surprising him with her brains and athletic ability at multitasking. Finally, Kim kept her promise and talked with Leo, but the girls all thought it was pretty much time to let them know about Randy.

She says the next few days are uneventful, but adds that all these events happens, which just means she couldn't be arsed to write about them, which is a shame because they might have made the girls' personalities slightly deeper than goldfish bowls. Lots of things happen but nothing happens. It's just a prolonged way of saying, "Three days later".

Quote :

The four sisters asked everyone to meet them in the living room for a small meeting, which even April and Casey were asked to join. Kim stood in front of them with her sisters and begun what they called "Doomsday Meeting"

Yes, at their request, with no idea as to what they're going to be told, everybody, even April and Casey, automatically show up with absolutely no questions at all.

Quote :

"Master Splinter, April, Casey, guys, we asked you all here because we feel that we all trust you all enough to tell you something." Kim took a deep breath, looked at her sisters and continued. "6 years ago, I met this boy named Randy, right now he's 20, but I met him just after our parent's funeral. He gave me a ride home after work, at the time I was working to help my sisters in school, and the next thing I know, it's a month later and we're dating."

Six years ago, she was 13. I thought her parents died when she was 12. Yet another example of the writer not even knowing her own bios. But hey, let's say she was 13. She was working when she was 13? Who would employ her at 13? And even if she was in child labour, that doesn't exactly pay enough to support three sisters and pay rent.

Also, six years ago, Randy would have been 14. Driving at 14? Shit. That's illiegal wherever you go.

Quote :

"Anyway, long story short, he wasn't who I thought. Randy was the son to the leader of The Reaper Dragons and used me to try and kill us. He broke in one night and tried to choke me, but I fought back and…let's just say he "attacked" me." No one was happy and they were all shocked. April seemed stunned and scared and clung onto Casey. "I woke up in the hospital at night. Riley sat next to me and told me what happened…everything. She saw the "attack". I was unconscious for three days and wasn't permitted to go home for another 6 days. I had a dislocated left arm, my throat was infected from being chocked and my right eye was black and my lip was split and that all included the many other redness areas, scars and bruises I had. I caused my sisters to panic and have fear and pain and worry about me when I was supposed to be the one protecting them and Randy was my fault. I never went out with a guy or anyone else after that, not for 6 years." She finished. Riley, Lilly and Violet gave Kim a hug and she nodded to Riley.

By 'attacked' she probably means 'raped'. But seriously, nine days in hospital for a beating up? Isn't that a little over the top? Randy was the son to the leader of The Reaper Dragons, who are so famous that we've never heard of them, but he went back and tried to kill the 13 year old Kim all on his own? Didn't send a bunch of Reaper Dragons to do it? And how the hell did she survive if his intent was to kill her?

Also, didn't they say that as soon as they found their parents murdered, they fled the country? This paragraph mentions that it took at least a month.

Quote :

"2 years ago, I literally bumped into this guy at karate class, his name was Brandon and he was nice, while it lasted. I dated him and he stood me up, which I didn't mind until I found out it was so he could steal our money and he used me to help him make black belt in class, like me and Kim. What was worse was that I told him everything about me and he slapped me, spat at me and called me a "Sniveling old cow" who was "inhuman" and "a fixed thing of nothing that shouldn't exist". He even said that my sisters "are too pathetic to have friends" and that we "should go back to where" we "came from you miserable space piles of dirt." Yeah, I told him I loved him and yeah he told me he loved me, but guess not and I didn't date nor trust anyone from then one. Not like I cared. The End." She said and went to leave when Kim grabbed her arm and pulled her to stand next to her and they smiled and nodded at Violet.

The tough, assertive Riley, who had a black belt in karate, who flirted blatantly with Raphael, actually let a guy hit her around, spit at her and call her and her sisters names just two years ago? She put up with him standing her up? And exactly what even inspired her to dump him anyway? The author doesn't say and she won't ever.

Quote :

"…1 year ago, I met Robert at a Science convention. He complimented on my cold fusion reactor I brought to show off to some scientists. After awhile we were friends and I helped him out with his homework from time to time. Soon enough though, he asked about my reactor and I helped him build one that would be our project entered in the school science fair. But when the Science fair came, he said that it was his, and his alone and he had no help, that it was all him. I confronted him about it and he said that "a girl cannot be smarter than a boy. It's a crime if they are and I won't let you try and gain credit for my invention. You're just a idiotic Homo-Saipan who steals ideas from everyone and passes it off as your ideas. You make me sick" But I stayed friends with him. One night on my way home from the school library he jumped me and wanted to go steady, well more than steady. When I said "no", he took out his knife and started attacking, but Riley and Kim came and stopped him. I was only left with minor scars on my hand, arms and a very big, not so
deep one across my chest. He vowed to get his revenge on me and my sisters before I went back to hiding in my room from people and boys for the rest of that whole year."

Violet made a cold fusion reactor at 17? Oh, this just gets better and better. And she actually stayed friends with him after he stole her invention and insulted her? And she let him get away with stealing an invention like that? And where were her powers of water when she was attacked? It was only a year ago, she's supposed to be a ninja, and she couldn't fight off a guy with a knife? Pretty convenient that her sisters came around right at that moment, too. I can't wait to see Lilly's story...

Quote :

Lilly then stood up to the plate and started her story she explained to Mikey. Once she was finished, April was crying for them and clinging onto Casey really tight and everyone else was in pure shock and didn't say anything, they didn't know what to say. Kim decided to continue.

Wait, WHAT?! The other three get their own separate paragraphs, and you get one line that explains NOTHING? Shit.

Quote :

"Randy, Brandon, Robert and Dan joined together and formed a group that wants revenge on us. They asked Randy's dad's gang to hunt us down and kill us and they haven't stopped trying since I fought off Randy. Their group is called "EBAPS", Ex Boyfriends Against Phoenix Sisters.

I don't get this. Dan, Lilly's ex, only met her six months ago, yet for six years they've been fighting against and running from the EBAPS? It makes no sense whatsoever, but then again, nothing in this story does when it comes to time. Also, it's the worst name for a group that I ever heard. Why would they call themselves 'ex-boyfriends'? That's an exceedingly humiliating thing for a guy to call himself. It's like saying 'She dumped me'. Revenge? Revenge for being dumped? Oh, come ON, there's got to be a better reason than that.

Quote :

We are the Phoenix sisters, our mother came to England and met our dad and married. Phoenix is our mother's maiden name and our parents didn't want Anderson as their last name so our dad changed his last name to Phoenix for out mother.

Because Pheonix sounds SO much cooler.

Quote :

We're registered to the government as 'Phoenix', but we call ourselves 'Anderson' to but ourselves time and confuse The Reaper
Dragon's, at least it did at first, and they can't get help from the government because everything we use says Anderson and not Phoenix, so it stops them from turning the government and everyone else against us. We're sorry for not telling any of you sooner."

"Yes, we only use the name Pheonix and Anderson; it never occurred to us to use a different name." Wait, you're registered to the government as 'Pheonix' but all your documents say 'Anderson'? And how does THAT stop them turning people against you? And oh yes, you're so fucking special, that the government and everybody else would turn against them if they got the chance. Also, "We are the Pheonix Sisters". Is that supposed to mean something to the guys?

Yes, unfortunately it does.

Quote :

"Phoenix. I have heard of that name, before. And Miss Kimberley, you seem familiar." His furry eyebrows rose suddenly. "You have the same feature as…Your mother was the most beloved award winning writer and singer worldwide. You're Erika Phoenix's daughters." The girls nodded slowly, "I knew I had seen your face somewhere Kimberley. You have the same features as your mother, you look exactly like her, you all do." Master Splinter continued

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who spend their lives hiding in seclusion, have heard of the Pheonix sisters. And FUCK, now even their dead mother is a Sue, because not only is she a ninja sorceress, she's also THE MOST BELOVED award winning writer and singer in the world. And the girls, who look just like her despite all looking different, managed to get out of the country and skip around the world right after their mother's murder? Nobody ever recognised them? No authorities searched for them?

Well, it explains Kim's singing and composing abilities - they're inherited! No, they're not things you need to train, or learn, they're skills you're BORN with!

Quote :

"Oh my god! I love Erika Phoenix!" April cried "I love her remix song of Jennifer Lopez's song 'Waiting for Tonight'!"

But if she's so great, why did she need to make remixes?

Quote :

"I love her too, especially her books. Girls, this does not change how I think of you. Nothing changes and I believe you made the right decision, Kimberley, especially under the circumstances." Master Splinter said sincerely

Great, now Master Splinter, who watches soaps when he's not training his sons, has a thing for Mrs Pheonix's books? Oh, and this doesn't change anything at all. "You made the right decision in fleeing the country and not turning to the cops when, as daughters of a famous singer and writer you should have been able to turn to the cops and get protection." It's not explained at all as to WHY they didn't even ATTEMPT to do this.

This added Sue revalation that they are all the daughters of some famous singer and writer only makes them even less believable as characters.

There's then a large section that shows Mikey and Lilly, Raph and Riley, Violet and Donnie all start making out. Despite having lousy boyfriends who they thought loved them for ages before they turned on them, they suddenly trust these mutant turtles and despite them being mutant turtles, start making out with them. It's all rather out of character and exceedingly boring for what's supposed to be an important and romantic scene.

Kim chickens out and we all get some rather badly written wangst about how she loves him but she doesn't dare to kiss him because of trust issues. She allows herself to love him, she admits it to herself, but she runs out and won't kiss him.

Quote :

It was 8pm when Kim walked back into the lair, her muscles were sore from helping April out in the shop. Apparently, tourists were coming to town and they loved antiques and Kim promised to help, but she thought it was the following day, that's why she left to help April earlier, because she promised.

Kim crept into the living room and saw her sisters and the guys asleep watching 'The Mummy'. She smiled, placed blankets over them all and walked to the lab and to bed.

The girls heard the door close and they opened their eyes, smiled and slowly got out of the guy's hold and kissed their foreheads and tiptoed to bed, trying not to wake them up.

One hour later and the girls and the guys have all fallen asleep from watching The Mummy? It's not exactly a sleep-inducing film. And Kim's tired out from just one hour of helping out April? Also, all three of the gals then wake up at the quiet noise of the door closing? Also, all four of them kiss the guys on their foreheads? At once? That leaves a really stupid mental image in my head.

Quote :

It was really early in the morning when Vi, Lilly and Riley quietly got out of bed and walked over to Kim's sleeping form. The three
of them joined hands, focused on Kim and spoke together

For those who want the truth revealed,
Opened hearts and secrets unsealed,
From now until it's now again,
After which the memory won't end

A light blue light appeared and entered Kim's body and she rolled onto her side and sighed in her sleep. The girls smiled in triumph and slowly and silently went back to bed, excited to see Kim in the morning.

More magic. The purpose of which is unexplained. This is where the chapter ends before it can get any worse. And it really is awful. 13 year old girls whose mom's just been murdered getting a boyfriend? 14 year old boy driving and attempting murder? No explanation for why these girls are wanted dead - Randy started it - bar the fact that they said no to sex and left abusive boyfriends? And no use of their powers to protect them from that abuse or any attacks?

It's pathetically, stupidly, Suishly confusing. I hate reading it even to snark it.

Quote :

you four were once 4 baby turtles, cute one's mind you, who fell down a sewer drain and into some toxic waste, such as a canister of T.G.R.I mutagen from the chemical lab that went out of business which then turned you four into humanoid turtles, intelligent ones. Splinter walked into the ooze too and transformed into a humanoid rat, then he adopted you four as he sons, very lovely, and trained you as ninjas from what he learned from watching his master while he was still his pet rat. Then he named you after his four favourite, greatest renaissance masters, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael which made you the TMNT, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

"Tee-hee, how do you like my idea for a new comic book series? I just thought of it!"

Quote :

called me (...) "a fixed thing of nothing that shouldn't exist".

Uhh...