Alice 2010; if this is supposed to be dark, what's that make American McGee?

Well, I was afraid it would suck, and it did.

Alice 2010 is nothing more but a sordid regurgitation of the 1951 Disney animation with an overdose of Depp and too much How Original and clever we are! sauce.

The worst thing about this movie, the 2010 one, I mean, is not even that it's bland, illogical and crappy, but that Burton fails to do anything truly creepy with it.

It looks nice. Even if the 3D effects aren't spectacular, they are satisfactory, and the whole movie looks fantastic. BUT...

WHY does the queen have a big head and is sensitive about it? Yes, in the pictures in the book she has a big head. So does EVERYBODY ELSE, including Alice, who is a bit malformed.

WHY did Burton think it was a good idea to give the Dormouse and several other characters NAMES? It ruins the whole stereotype thing.

WHY, if you bring in the Vorpal Sword, doesn't it say Snicker-snack! when it cuts off the head of the Jabberwock? And why don't people use it to cut everything else, either? Burton should have read Fables, THERE the Vorpal Sword is put to good use.

WHY does Alice persist in the 'This is all a dream' rubbish? Why doesn't she remember? She's been having this dream since she was five, but while she recognizes the white rabbit, she doesn't remember the rest? That's total crap.

WHY did Burton think it would be a good idea to feature Tweedledee and Tweedledum? I mean, I get the Caterpillar. I get the Hatter. I even get the Bandersnatch, even though it's pretty much useless. But those fat little twins? WHY??? Why not the Duchess with her pig baby?

The whole timeline, as introduced in Alice 2010, sucks. Apparently, the Hatter wasn't mad when he was the White Queen (whose character really made me gag)'s very own private hatter, and then...he wasn't mad? But that doesn't make any sense, because then he wouldn't have been mad when five-year-old Alice wandered by, because the Red Queen started her reign of terror after young Alice left. But she met the Hatter at his eternal Tea Party, so what did he do, take a break being a mad tea slurper to have a career at the White Royal Palace? Speaking of Tea Party, how can she meet the Hatter and the Dormouse at such a party and find the Dormouse back as a trusted servant of the Red Queen at her palace not a day later?

It would have been so much cooler if the whole of Wonderland (or Underland, apparently) had been waiting for Alice to come to the right age to rescue them, and become steadily more insane every year she does appear, but is too young to fight the Jabberwock. Then the search for 'the right Alice' would have made more sense, too. If she had remembered those visits, that would explain her own weirdness as well. And it would also explain why the heck she would want to rescue the Hatter, whom, in the movie, she's only known for about one hour before the Queen's soldiers and the Knave come to take him away.

The Hatter himself was less annoying than I was afraid he'd be, but he wasn't half as cool as the movie tried to make him to be. Ok, so the guy has a twagic past, and sometimes seems to have a bit of a personality disorder, but mainly, I just don't care what happened to him. The special dance at the end was cringe-worthy. The 'Why is a raven like a writing desk' question was cheap. I mean, think of an answer if you want to be clever, but don't just leave it hanging there like it does in the book.

So how could this meh movie, made bad by its uninventive blandness, be made a bit better?

I have a few suggestions, and I'd really like to hear more from you guys!

1. Rip off American McGee and make Alice a drug-addled madwoman.

2. Make the Red Queen scary, instead of amusing. I wasn't even remotely frightened by her for even one second. She chops people's heads off! Let her do that on stage, instead of manhandling flamingos and flirting with the Knave.

3. You're gonna use the Vorpal Sword, USE it!

4. Make the Hatter wear a hat because he's missing the top of his head, because the Queen tried to have him beheaded and partially failed, then let him go for fun.

5. Have several of the figures die a painful death. Start with the March hare. Continue with the fat twins.

6. Scratch the White Queen. Completely. Replace her by the Lion and the Unicorn of 'Through the Looking Glass', and let them tear one another apart.

More, please?

See, I just thought it sucked because it was a crappy movie. I never actually read the books. Now its even crappier. My personal complaints:

1. Why was the red queen so insecure and so worried about being loved/cared about? Was she always this pathetic? She's supposed to be a crazed bloodthirsty spoiled tyrant with all of Underland at her disposal.

2. Seriously, what up with the Tweedle Bros? They were not that useful.

3. There was no real point. You were just supposed to randomly recognize this quirky world with no real explanation as to wtf is going on, and accept the ride for what it was. God forbid no one read the book or saw the Disney movie, you wouldn't understand the flowers, Absilum(sp?), and all of the other not so popular characters. I personally forgot all about the doormouse. And I never read Through the Looking Glass OR Alice in Wonderland, so I've never heard of the Vorpal Sword, Jabberwalkee, White Queen, etc etc. I mean, I never watched Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and never got any spoilers, but 1) I knew wtf was going on and how it connected to the story, and 2) that the movie was so jumbled and choppy that I'm missing a shitload. Shitty as HPatHBP was THATS how you handle a magical world and timeline.

4. What up with the growing and the shrinking and the shrinking and the growing and the shrinking and the growing and the growing and the shrinking? Maybe it was in the book, but it felt like a really cheap subtheme. "Why are you always too small or too tall" OMG SYMBOLISM LOL

5. Oh look, its an independent women rejecting traditional social and cultural norms and going with a modern westernized approach with a career and the ability to wear pants. What a strong women that you should model yourself by, especially in an era where if you didn't marry, especially marry up, you're screwed and shamed and careers for women was just a silly thought. I love how she learned this moral while having duty shoved down her throat in Underland JUST LIKE the upper world. Thats just how it works.


How could it be better? I like your ideas. Plus, make the Cheshire cat more of an optical illusion, like a haunting ghost. At this movie, he pretty much acts like an annoying pet cat with words. Like, make her see the smile in the contours of the branches, see the stripes in the brush below, have the cats voice TAUNT her.

Oh, and am I the only one who literally just could not understand the words they were saying? Too fast, too much of an accent, mumbles, etc? I'm not talking about when JDepp was reciting the poem, just in general. I've watched that "SPOON" scene at least 10 times, and I STILL can't understand what that damn rabbit was saying before hand. All I got is something about the white queen.

I liked this movie better when it was called, "American McGee's Alice".

also goddamn breakdancing hatter fuck you burton just fuck you in your self righteous ass i paid money for this

Mafiosa wrote:

I liked this movie better when it was called, "American McGee's Alice".

American McGee's Alice was a million times better than this.

Mafiosa wrote:

also goddamn breakdancing hatter fuck you burton just fuck you in your self righteous ass i paid money for this

I hated that part. There was honestly no point to the break-dancing.

I have no idea why she went back to the real world at the end. I didn't give a shit about her family, she didn't really seem to give a shit about her family, and she was supposed to be married off to some lord for blahblahblah and instead she goes back and starts an OMG!INVENTIVE business? Why? Why not just stay in Wonderland and have tons of good times?

Really, there was no point. The whole movie was a disaster, but the ending just sealed the deal. Why the FUCK even go back to the real world? I honestly felt like she had no reason to do so, and when she did and they threw out all that cliche bullcrap with her becoming an independent woman in that time period, I was enraged.

Goddammit, Tim Burton. Goddammit.

Oh right, the ending! I kind of blocked that out, but YES, that was sooo not-cool! Why did she go back? She fit into wonderland (Oh no, it's UNDERland) like a greased hand in a glove.

And why was that stupid uncle of hers going 'Uhuh, yeah, your dad, he was funny in the head too--had this amazing idea of creating a merchant route to India! The idea! I really liked it, but then he, kind of, you know, died, and instead of taking the credit for his idea and going through with it, I went on selling cotton for underwear. But you, young lady who doesn't want to marry my son who IS admittedly pretty much the village idiot, you draw your finger along the map and YES, this is exactly what I've been waiting for." [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Jesus, the growing and shrinking IS a recurring thing in Alice in Wonderland, but not in Through the Looking Glass. And since it happens EXACTLY as in the 1951 Disney animation, it got old very fast. The only thing I kept thinking was, come on, do it right this time and save some of that stuff for later, so you can use it to grow into a giant and crush the Queen beneath your foot after infiltrating into her castle the size of an ant. But noooo, that must have been beyond Burton's imagination.

Strangely enough, what bugged me most about the ending was when she was boarding that ship to the East and her hair was loose. Come on, independent woman or not, you did not have your hair down your back when you were a grown woman, and most certainly not on a ship. I expected her to run to the bow and shout 'I'm the king of the world!' or whatever it was Leo hollered on the Titanic.

Now that would have been a nice touch. Alice boarding the Titanic. Yeah, that would have been awesome. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

kleine_kat wrote:

Now that would have been a nice touch. Alice boarding the Titanic. Yeah, that would have been awesome. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

This movie was already a disaster of epic proportions.

Well now I'm glad I haven't seen it, hahaha. I do know a friend of mine absolutely adored it though, but if it was a collection of random shit then I can see why.

My friends loved this movie. I don't have the heart to tell them it was a huge heap of computer generated crap.

Thank you guys so much for not loving this movie, cause everyone else loves it and I don't know why.

theweirdkind wrote:

Mafiosa wrote:

also goddamn breakdancing hatter fuck you burton just fuck you in your self righteous ass i paid money for this

I hated that part. There was honestly no point to the break-dancing.

You know that embarrassment what you get when you see other people embarrass themselves? That's what I felt when I watched it.

Blooferlady wrote:

Thank you guys so much for not loving this movie, cause everyone else loves it and I don't know why.

theweirdkind wrote:

Mafiosa wrote:

also goddamn breakdancing hatter fuck you burton just fuck you in your self righteous ass i paid money for this

I hated that part. There was honestly no point to the break-dancing.

You know that embarrassment what you get when you see other people embarrass themselves? That's what I felt when I watched it.

I felt that when SHE danced for everyone. That physically hurt me.

So should I go and sit in the Dark Corner of Shame for liking it?

Of course not.
Different strokes.

Snake Bandage wrote:

So should I go and sit in the Dark Corner of Shame for liking it?

Nah, loads of people loved it, so the Dark Corner would be kind of overcrowded and therefor no longer a corner and not dark either. I didn't walk out of the theater either, which I did do during Changeling. God, that was so terrible and boring! Actually, I was amused most of the time, watching Alice. And of course I'm a mean bastard who just paid 12 euros to see it 3D, so I'm not going to walk out on something I spent that much money on.

I really liked the Queen's palace, with all the monkeys acting as furniture.

I'm just a bit of a purist--although no, that's not what made me mad at this movie. I LIKE it when people do something exciting with canon. But that's exactly what Burton didn't do. He just made a mash of the two stories, replaced the small girl with a doable young adult and rinsed and repeated at will.

And every time the Hatter appeared on screen I imagined Burton fapping off and splurting dollar signs in semen onto the floor while moaning Oh Johnny oh yeah Johnny be weird for me yes.

I really love Johnny Depp, I do. I'm sure he made Tim Burton very happy. Not me, this time.

Oo, another thing that would have made the movie better: Depp!Hatter going Barber on the Knave and cutting him up into little pieces with his habberdashing scissors, and then sewing him back together into a hat!

Verandering wrote:

Well now I'm glad I haven't seen it, hahaha. I do know a friend of mine absolutely adored it though, but if it was a collection of random shit then I can see why.

I haven't seen it either. I'm pretty glad I didn't.

So far the only stuff connected to the movie I've like is the promotional clothes in JayJays. I got an awesome lacy skirt and a tiny hat. Yay.

I kind of liked the red queen. She was the most interesting and sympathetic character in the whole thing. Not that that's saying much.

But the ending. I don't know how, but Burton somehow managed to make a giant battle during which I yawned almost constantly. Not a single ounce of suspense or tension. If you're going to have a prophecy, at least make it ambiguous enough that the person might fail. Because otherwise it's just boring.

I have blocked that dance out of my memory. Could have just stayed the funny, one off joke, but no.

And of course she had to confront everybody back in the real world. I mean, that's just how these sorts of stories go, right? No need to justify anything with motivation or any of that nonsense. And historical accuracy? What's that?

...(Shrugs) I enjoyed it. It wasn't spectacularly awesome, but I liked it. And I got the feeling the Hatter was always mad, but when the Red Queen took over and everything went to hell, he got crazier.

Parts of it I didn't like, like the dance.

But I did like the whole "Off with your head!" thing at the end.

thebonerules wrote:

I kind of liked the red queen. She was the most interesting and sympathetic character in the whole thing. Not that that's saying much.

Yes, the Red Queen was actually pretty sympathetic. I certainly liked her much better than that overacting poncing twat of a White Queen.

Which is ANOTHER thing that didn't make any sense. Why have the only character exploration (disregarding the Hatter's) be of the one character who's supposed to be plain Evil? Her insecurity and secret love for the Knave only confuses matters.

And..the fuck!? Cards against Chess pieces? Ebbeh?

Oh, and one more thing that was horrid. The CGI horses, apparently necessary because the Knave was stretched, because, well, uh...well, that made him look more like a card, or something... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Anyway, his horse looks like it's made of plastic. The White Queen's horse is even worse, it actually looks like it's been shaved completely bald. That was a shame, because the rest of the creatures looked fabulous.

Sigh. So many opportunities. So many wasted.

Mafiosa wrote:

I liked this movie better when it was called, "American McGee's Alice".

also goddamn breakdancing hatter fuck you burton just fuck you in your self righteous ass i paid money for this

Agreed, & it was more plausible too...
Coming soon to a episode of Celebrity Deathmatch near you- The Battle of the Alices a/k/a Mia Whatshername Vs Sarah Michelle Geller...
Also, Tim Burton Vs American McGee... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
As for Kleine_kat's comment, considering that the Red Queen is played by the Producer's "common law spouse" Helena Bonham-Carter, is it suprising that he would write the part symphathetically for her...?

Grimley Fieendish wrote:

As for Kleine_kat's comment, considering that the Red Queen is played by the Producer's "common law spouse" Helena Bonham-Carter, is it suprising that he would write the part symphathetically for her...?

God that's right. Damn, I wish he'd make up his mind who he's presenting with his hard-on at night: Johnny or Helena...

Heh. If I were married to the actress who plays the main villian, I'd make her as villainous as humanly possible, and then some. What's the fun in giving her humanity? Let her play croquet with chopped off heads and chop off the head of some random schmuck when she runs out of balls or loses one in the underbrush...Personally, I'd enjoy playing someone completely insane and ruthless much more than this rather pathetic woman, who is only doing all of this because she is lonely.

More like Princess Mombi in Return to Ozz. Anyone here seen that? Now THAT's the way to rape your cannon: deep, hard and sweet! I still get the shivers when I remember the hallway with all of Mombi's severed heads. Pure Nightmare Fuel.

Disney move fails to appeal to 19 year olds. Now Sports.

Knorg wrote:

Disney move fails to appeal to 19 year olds. Now Sports.

Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey. I love Disney movies.

So there.

...wait.

Knorg wrote:

Disney move fails to appeal to 19 year olds. Now Sports.

Thanks Knorg.

CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THE STEELERS TRADED AWAY JERRY RICE #2 FOR A FIFTH ROUND PICK?!?! I COULD TRADE MY FINEST DUMP FOR A FIFTH ROUND PICK!

"But Mikey, he kept failing drug tests and whatnot," you say.

"HE KEPT CATCHING THE FUCKING BALL FOR OVER 9000 YARDS!!!1!" I scream.

In other sports news, the Chicago Bulls lead the Boston Celtics by nine with five minutes left in the fourth quarter.

Now back to your previously scheduled Tim Burton horseshit.

Mafiosa wrote:

also goddamn breakdancing hatter fuck you burton just fuck you in your self righteous ass i paid money for this

Are you fucking kidding me.

brb dying of laughter

And I am not familiar with Alice at all. Haven't read the book[s?]. Haven't seen the movie[s?]. SEE. UNFAMILIAR. I wanted to see it though for Stephen Fry, but nobody's talking about his role as the Cheshire Cat so I figure that he mustn't have made much of an impact [besides Jesus. saying that he was too 'wordy' which to me sounds awesome but I dunno].

Jesus tapdancing Christ. Breakdancing. Breakdancing. How fucking hilariously bad can you get.

The voice acting roles were pretty top knotch. That's the nicest thing I can say about this movie.