Amanda-A Twilight failfiction

Disclaimer: No, I don't like Twilight. I do love RFOLing the fandom, however.

Fic link: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Quote :

Summary: alice is pregnant! with a baby! how did this happen? what will happen? find out in this one of a kind fanfiction, Amanda. jasper alice and vis versa

What? Y-you mean people can actually get pregnant with BABIES!? Damn, that's.. That's a new one. I always thought people got pregnant with kittens or ponies. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

i sat in my bathroom with the newest pregnancy test: a home blood test since i couldn't pee. i waited and waited and waited. finally an answer came up. "how did this happen!" i yelled.

Magic? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
(If you know you can't get pregnant, why would you use a pregnancy test? Why would you, for that matter, even have a pregnancy test in your dwelling?)

We get a flashback with some tastless IKEA pr0n, no capitalization, and proceed to some sucky spelling.

Quote :

"alice, are you okay?" jasper asked from the door.
"no!"
"what's wrong, baby?"
"i'm preganant."

Preganant sounds like a tropical fruit of some kind, or an army division. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

But why would two Meyerpires be able to make a baby? Well, the stunning explanation is given here:

Quote :

"it worked!" we heard from the back yard.

we walked to the window and a girl was jumping around with a man standing there watching.
"my power works! i can do the impossible!YEAH!"
" hu?"
the man looked at us.
" she can do anything that is impossible. i wanted to know if she can give vampires fertility. it worked and now you get to be the first parents of the first pure blood vampire."

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

No words, people. No words.

This is a perfect example of combining a plot point and a big-lipped-alligator-moment into a chunky blend of pure WTF.

It gets worse in the next chapter.

Quote :

alice was six months pregnant and still looked almost as flat as she did before she was pregnant. emmett had to take rosalie on another honeymoon to distract her from the fact that alice was having a baby. she was at that moment sitting on carlisle's hospital table with the cold (to humans) jellie on her stomache.
"they're growing at normal speed. looks like your organs have all shrunk to acomidate the babies. do you want to know if they're a girls or boys?"
"twins?" alice gasped.
carsisle smiled.
"tripletes."

..NO BECAUSE NO BECAUSE NO.

Shouldn't the organs, y'know, be working overtime to produce nutrients for four people? And shouldn't it be showing, by this time?

Anyway, one of the kids are born "cripled" and epic crying drama proceeds. Because it's not like wheelchair kids are just like normal kids, oh no. They're in a FUCKING WHEELCHAIR. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] And that's bad, rite?

Rite?

What's sorta worse is the reviews:

Quote :

omg this is one of the best fics ive read in a long time. please put up a new chapter soon!

Quote :

i hope you dont make the little girl cripled its so sad but its your story, update soon

And, yeah. That's about the first 2-3 chapters of that crap. First time doing this, inform me about my errors if any were made.

OP wrote:

Disclaimer: No, I don't like Twilight.

It's ok. You can admit it. We're all friends here.

Quote :

summary: alice ends up pregnant with jasper's baby. how?

Well you see, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much...

Quote :

they're vampires and vampires can't have kids!

... Wait... didn't Bella and Edward... I thought they had a kid at the end of the last book. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

how did this happen!

The exclamation point shows that this is not a question, this is a statement.

Also, you asked this question 8 words ago. Stop being melodramatic and tell your damn story.

Quote :

"how did this happen!" i yelled.

She sure likes to lay this plot device on rather thick, don't she?

Quote :

i sat on our bed and waited for jasper to come out of the bathroom

I smell an awkward and thorougly unerotic sex scene coming on.

Quote :

as soon as the water was off he was next to me

BAMF!

Quote :

"slow down, sweet heart. i'm not leaving and time soon."

" no, but bella is coming over for wedding planning later."
" then i'll call edward and tell him to occupy her."

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

"?alicewillbeunavailible-...thankyou."

Edward: "..."
Bella: "Eddikins? Who was that?"
Edward: "I don't know, I couldn't understand anything he said."
Bella: "Probably just a crank caller again."
Edward: "Damn kids."
Bella: "C'mon, we gotta get to Alice's house, or else we'll be late!"

Quote :

"alice, are you okay?" jasper asked from the door.

"no!"
"what's wrong, baby?"
"i'm preganant."

Wait, this test came up positive, right? And the test used her blood, right? How does she know she got a pregnancy test, and not a diabetes testing kit instead?

Quote :

he burst threw the door and i showed him the test. he put his ear to my stomache and closed his eyes.

"i hear a heart beat, so it's at least a few weeks old."

I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Quote :

" she can do anything that is impossible. i wanted to know if she can give vampires fertility. it worked and now you get to be the first parents of the first pure blood vampire."

"wow," jasper said.

"You guys are dicks. Seriously, that's kinda messed up. Getting people pregnant just to prove a point? Really?"

Quote :

" take care of the little girl, will ya!"

and they were gone.

That's all? They come, get two complete strangers pregnant just to prove a dicky point, than toddle off "kthnxbye!" What are they? The Deus Ex Machina Fairies?

Quote :

" we gat to be the first vampira parents."

Wait, if they're the first vampire parents, and something like this has never happened before, why was she giving herself a pregnancy test?

Quote :

"they're growing at normal speed. looks like your organs have all shrunk to acomidate the babies.

Quote :

your organs have all shrunk

Quote :

your organs have all shrunk

Quote :

organs shrunk

... It's the miracle of birth.

Quote :

"the boys are normal... but she's smaller and her legs aren't developing right. i've seen this in humans before... all their babies were born...

*insert dramatic removal of glasses*

Quote :

... cripled."

Quote :

alice screamed.

I screamed. Alice screamed. We all screamed for ice cream! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

after babies where born

were is babby borned?

Quote :

but since they were going to be at least half vampire

At least? Isn't Jasper a vampire too?

Jasper, I think Alice has something to tell you. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

i cried because she screamed.

And I screamed because you cried. And I smiled because you laughed. And I laughed because you smiled.

Quote :

"she can do anything that is impossible"

But if she CAN do it, it makes it possible. And if it's possible, her superpowers don't pertain to it, so it means she might not be able to do it.

But that would make it impossible again.

Kiff, we have a conundrum.

Do the impossible
Impregnate the un-impregnatable
ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWER!

Okay, I'm not sure pregnancy in vampires works the same way as in humans (though human babies don't generally try to chew their way out of their mother's womb), but having been pregnant, your organs do NOT shrink to accommodate the baby(ies). Trust me, I had twins, and the organs remain exactly the same size they were. Then when the babies get bigger, they start kicking you in your kidneys and displacing the organs into awkward positions.

Also, I've never heard of a child from a multiple birth being born crippled because there wasn't enough space in the womb. While it's true that women were never intended to give birth to litters of children, if the baby girl is crippled, it's more likely to be something genetic than because her brothers are somehow taking up all the space. Kids in the womb are extremely flexible.

In short, this author suffers from extreme anatomy fail and a possibly fatal tendency towards melodrama.

Mr.Doobie wrote:

It's ok. You can admit it. We're all friends here.

Good to know, [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

... Wait... didn't Bella and Edward... I thought they had a kid at the end of the last book. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Yeah, that was because apparantly, failpyre sperm is not frozen, and Bella was a human when she got pregnant and turned into a vampire while she was pregnant. Ignoring Meyer's Pheonix logic (technically Bella should have stayed pregnant forever), she actually gave birth in the bok, yes.

Yes, I like trolling Twitards. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Yubisaki wrote:

Yeah, that was because apparantly, failpyre sperm is not frozen,

But uh... Didn't all of their other bodily fluids? Including blood? Which is, yanno, necessary to maintain an erection?

Wildstyle wrote:

Yubisaki wrote:

Yeah, that was because apparantly, failpyre sperm is not frozen,

But uh... Didn't all of their other bodily fluids? Including blood? Which is, yanno, necessary to maintain an erection?

Upon questioning, Meyer has explained that her vampires' bodily fluids are replaced by their venom. Meaning, he gets it up through the use of venom. His eyeballs are coated with venom. His ejaculate? Venom.

*crosses legs*

InkWeaver wrote:

Upon questioning, Meyer has explained that her vampires' bodily fluids are replaced by their venom. Meaning, he gets it up through the use of venom. His eyeballs are coated with venom. His ejaculate? Venom.

*crosses legs*

So... Her um... vampires have all of their blood and other bodily fluids replaced by their venom that, rather than being a toxin that breaks down your nervous system, is a strange substance that has the ability to turn you into one of them AND somehow carries the vampire's genetic material in a way that makes it possible for a human to be impregnated?

...That's a lot to buy, book. That is a lot to buy.

sounds like that ferrofluid shit from district 9

Quote :

i sat in my bathroom with the newest pregnancy test: a home blood test
since i couldn't pee.

This is the newest home pregnancy test, really? I mean, is there a big consumer demand for this kind of thing? "I'm sick of peeing on this stick! God, it'd be so much easier if I could just draw some blood."

Quote :

omg this is one of the best fics ive read in a long time. please put up a
new chapter soon!

Quote :

i hope you dont make the little girl cripled its so sad but its your
story, update soon

Calling sockpuppets on these two. Not only are the reviewers' names similar to each other, they replicate the author's punctuation and spelling problems a little too closely.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Okay, I'm not sure pregnancy in vampires works the same way as in humans (though human babies don't generally try to chew their way out of their mother's womb), but having been pregnant, your organs do NOT shrink to accommodate the baby(ies). Trust me, I had twins, and the organs remain exactly the same size they were. Then when the babies get bigger, they start kicking you in your kidneys and displacing the organs into awkward positions.

Mum will never let my brother live down how he pretty much wrecked her bladder in utero. :/

Quote :

Also, I've never heard of a child from a multiple birth being born crippled because there wasn't enough space in the womb. While it's true that women were never intended to give birth to litters of children, if the baby girl is crippled, it's more likely to be something genetic than because her brothers are somehow taking up all the space. Kids in the womb are extremely flexible.

The jury's actually out on that second one I think. Compression in utero has been generally considered a main reason for limb malformation. At least, so I hear.

InkWeaver wrote:

Wildstyle wrote:

Yubisaki wrote:

Yeah, that was because apparantly, failpyre sperm is not frozen,

But uh... Didn't all of their other bodily fluids? Including blood? Which is, yanno, necessary to maintain an erection?

Upon questioning, Meyer has explained that her vampires' bodily fluids are replaced by their venom. Meaning, he gets it up through the use of venom. His eyeballs are coated with venom. His ejaculate? Venom.

*crosses legs*

Vampire based on dextro-amino acids. Human ingestion of tissue could provoke allergic reaction. Anaphylactic shock possible. So don't, ah, ingest.

Yubisaki wrote:

failpyre

This is my new favourite word.

InkWeaver wrote:

Wildstyle wrote:

Yubisaki wrote:

Yeah, that was because apparantly, failpyre sperm is not frozen,

But uh... Didn't all of their other bodily fluids? Including blood? Which is, yanno, necessary to maintain an erection?

Upon questioning, Meyer has explained that her vampires' bodily fluids are replaced by their venom. Meaning, he gets it up through the use of venom. His eyeballs are coated with venom. His ejaculate? Venom.

*crosses legs*

Whatever happened to vampires being reanimated and functioning through just plain old magic. It makes the author look so much less like a doofus than when they try to use these BS pseudo-biology explanations.

Mr.Doobie wrote:

Whatever happened to vampires being reanimated and functioning through just plain old magic. It makes the author look so much less like a doofus than when they try to use these BS pseudo-biology explanations.

I'm guessing she thought most of her fans were dumb enough to swallow BS pseudo-biology explanation. For the lack of Twilight fans uproar, I'm assuming she was right.

Mr.Doobie wrote:

Whatever happened to vampires being reanimated and functioning through just plain old magic. It makes the author look so much less like a doofus than when they try to use these BS pseudo-biology explanations.

Magic isn't scientific enough. No ones going to believe magic as an explanation. There must be SCIENCE.

Jesus. wrote:

Mr.Doobie wrote:

Whatever happened to vampires being reanimated and functioning through just plain old magic. It makes the author look so much less like a doofus than when they try to use these BS pseudo-biology explanations.

Magic isn't scientific enough. No ones going to believe magic as an explanation. There must be SCIENCE. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

A wizard did it.

Scientific enough for ya? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

myeerah wrote:

Jesus. wrote:

Mr.Doobie wrote:

Whatever happened to vampires being reanimated and functioning through just plain old magic. It makes the author look so much less like a doofus than when they try to use these BS pseudo-biology explanations.

Magic isn't scientific enough. No ones going to believe magic as an explanation. There must be SCIENCE. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

A wizard did it.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

With his protein elixer?

Mr.Doobie wrote:

Whatever happened to vampires being reanimated and functioning through just plain old magic. It makes the author look so much less like a doofus than when they try to use these BS pseudo-biology explanations.

Yes, but the old fashioned vampires couldn't conceive children. So S. Myers had to come up with bullshit anatomy fail, because otherwise, Edward and Bella could've never spawned Nessie or whatever the hell her name is.

That's why vampires HAD to feed off the living. It was the only way to create more vampires.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Yes, but the old fashioned vampires couldn't conceive children.

I'm probably gonna be chewed alive for this one but what about dhampirs?

Wildstyle wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Yes, but the old fashioned vampires couldn't conceive children.

I'm probably gonna be chewed alive for this one but what about dhampirs?

The problem with vampires/dhampirs/whatever is that most folk lore has their own version, and what they can and cannot do tends to vary widely from group to group.

I'll just say that I think Myers based her vampire more on the old Transylvanian legends (BTW, Dracula was capable of going outside during the day if it was cloudy or overcast), and likely doesn't know a think about Balkin dhampirs. Plus, you'll notice that Bella gets pregnant BEFORE Edward turns her, which suggests that she's sticking to the old saw the vampires can't reproduce sexually because they're dead, but if a woman were to become a vampire after she got pregnant, there's a possibility she might be able to carry the child to term. Though I'd always assumed that since the woman would, technically, be dead herself and no longer have any blood running through her veins, the child would most likely be miscarried.

puts me in mind of this

or this

or this

Rabid Badger wrote:

Plus, you'll notice that Bella gets pregnant BEFORE Edward turns her

Now I'm risking sounding like a stuck-up bitch who can't seem to give credit where credit's due but, after being reminded of that particular bit of fact, I now have this theory that Ms. Meyer watched that episode of Angel where they find out about Angel's Plot Device Baby thing and she just went "Oh! I'll just make Bella have Sparkleface's baby! If Team Angel could, why can't I?" I mean, she could have done enough research to know that vampires can't have children, but...

SirDixonDongs wrote:

puts me in mind of this

or this

or this

My inner arttard says THOSE ARE FUCKING AWESOME.

Keith Thompson is great! I love his horrible, rotting worlds and disturbing, mad people...