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 the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic)

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5 posters

If a bear shits and the woods and no one is around does it still stinks?
Yes
the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Vote_lcap79%the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Vote_rcap
 79% [ 11 ]
No
the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Vote_lcap21%the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Vote_rcap
 21% [ 3 ]
Total Votes : 14
 

AuthorMessage
XLT-100852.0
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
XLT-100852.0


Join date : 2010-07-18
Age : 32
Location : interwebs

the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Empty
PostSubject: the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic)   the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) EmptyMon Jul 26, 2010 1:01 pm

Spoiler:

Concrit is welcomed and by concrit, I mean ass pats, because ignoring reviews builds up a thick skin.
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Sutremaine
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Sutremaine


Join date : 2009-11-14
Age : 39
Location : UK

the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Empty
PostSubject: Re: the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic)   the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) EmptyMon Jul 26, 2010 1:48 pm

XLT-100852.0 wrote:
Without telling the Cullens, Bella raced to her father’s house where she was greeted by a very pale, stern looking young woman with long, flowing black hair wearing Bohemian style clothing and her father.
As a fetching stole.

I like this. The writing is the right side of believable but still obviously bad. I'd change 'scents' to 'sense' because it's a subtly annoying thing and makes people complain bitterly about authors relying on spellcheck, and also play up the idea that Bella the secret witch with magical superpowers is not only best as a baby delivery vehicle but also needs a man to do all the important stuff. God knows how you'll get that across without breaking cover (or your cluebat).
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Trioculus
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
Trioculus


Join date : 2009-06-11
Location : State of Utter Confusion

the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Empty
PostSubject: Re: the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic)   the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) EmptyMon Jul 26, 2010 4:21 pm

Quote :
“No, you must not, for you see you are a witch. You have the blood of generations of proud, noble witches running through your veins, Isabella.

Having been on this site and its predecessors for a couple of years, I read that and was immediately struck by visions of "Bella goes to Hogwarts, falls in love with Severus Snape/Draco Malfoy/Lord Voldemort and redeems him with her Twu Wub while Harry and Ron stew around jealously and ineptly."

If nothing else, this story has that it isn't that one going for it. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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Dr. Quinzel
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
Dr. Quinzel


Join date : 2010-01-13
Age : 35
Location : DeGroot Keep

the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Empty
PostSubject: Re: the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic)   the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) EmptyMon Jul 26, 2010 4:23 pm

XLT-100852.0 wrote:
Where could she be? Edward thought to himself. He could not read her mind at all. It was as if she had disappeared. He looked all over town for her to no avail.

I think you mentioned elsewhere on the forum that you didn't read the books, but one of the reasons he liked Bella was because he could never read her mind. Just tossing it out there (unless you're doing it on purpose, which is good trollin').

How the hell do I know any of this.
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XLT-100852.0
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
XLT-100852.0


Join date : 2010-07-18
Age : 32
Location : interwebs

the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Empty
PostSubject: Re: the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic)   the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) EmptyMon Jul 26, 2010 5:55 pm

Sutremaine wrote:

I like this. The writing is the right side of believable but still obviously bad. I'd change 'scents' to 'sense' because it's a subtly annoying thing and makes people complain bitterly about authors relying on spellcheck, and also play up the idea that Bella the secret witch with magical superpowers is not only best as a baby delivery vehicle but also needs a man to do all the important stuff. God knows how you'll get that across without breaking cover (or your cluebat).
I really should throw around the occational typo like weather/whether, merry/marry, and/in, ect. Jacob's still going to try and be Bella's knight in shinning armor despite Bella being able to fry people's brains with her mind.

"Jacob, I can fight my own battles now, like, oh my god."

"Bella, your are a delicate flower that she be cuddled."

"OMG STFU."

Trioculus wrote:
Having been on this site and its predecessors for a couple of years, I read that and was immediately struck by visions of "Bella goes to Hogwarts, falls in love with Severus Snape/Draco Malfoy/Lord Voldemort and redeems him with her Twu Wub while Harry and Ron stew around jealously and ineptly."
That's the plot to my next fic. the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) 961878

Dr. Quinzel wrote:
I think you mentioned elsewhere on the forum that you didn't read the books, but one of the reasons he liked Bella was because he could never read her mind. Just tossing it out there (unless you're doing it on purpose, which is good trollin').
Edward can read her mind now because.

Everything in the fic just happens because.
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pirategrrl
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
pirategrrl


Join date : 2009-12-24
Age : 41
Location : In badfic land.

the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Empty
PostSubject: Re: the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic)   the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) EmptyMon Jul 26, 2010 6:02 pm

XLT-100852.0 wrote:


Trioculus wrote:
Having been on this site and its predecessors for a couple of years, I read that and was immediately struck by visions of "Bella goes to Hogwarts, falls in love with Severus Snape/Draco Malfoy/Lord Voldemort and redeems him with her Twu Wub while Harry and Ron stew around jealously and ineptly."
That's the plot to my next fic. the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) 961878

Yes please!!! That would be HILARIOUS
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http://www.fictionpress.com/~pirategrrl
XLT-100852.0
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
XLT-100852.0


Join date : 2010-07-18
Age : 32
Location : interwebs

the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Empty
PostSubject: Re: the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic)   the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) EmptyMon Jul 26, 2010 6:05 pm

Nihilist wrote:
I've read better on bathroom stalls. the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) 961878
ur jus jeluz
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Sutremaine
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Sutremaine


Join date : 2009-11-14
Age : 39
Location : UK

the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Empty
PostSubject: Re: the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic)   the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) EmptyMon Jul 26, 2010 6:18 pm

you make him sew jellies

Now I feel all nostalgic... : (
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the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Empty
PostSubject: Re: the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic)   the Sun and the Moon (a Twilight lolfic) Empty

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