Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back

Ohh~ Thank you, Lysander, for bringing back those epic lulz again!

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CHAPTER 4

Endangered Whaladons

In 1993, cetaceans worldwide got themselves caught in tuna nets in order to protest being in this book.

Trioculus launches hundreds of probe droids across the galaxy, and delays even the terrible plan of moving to Hoth in favor of waiting to see if any of these things finds Vader's glove. Like Bush, Trioculus essentially wastes his first few days in office.

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The probe droids found everything but what Trioculus wanted most. They found debris from the Death Star, runaway prisoners, unexploded bombs, Alliance starships, and bounty hunters who were stealing Imperial weapons. They even spotted the missing Imperial Command Speeder 714-D, which narrowly got away when it changed course and entered a dangerous, radioactive asteroid zone from which few spaceships had ever escaped.

Vast amounts of intel come in from this vigorous probing campaign. Stuff Isard would kill for. Information that, in the right hands, might change the course of the war. The location of the last Jedi Knight and the Alliance's greatest admiral, even.

Does Trioculus care? No. The galaxy can wait. A glove is missing.

No, no more waiting around! It's finally time for Trioculus to kill something! RAAR!

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Trioculus released his fury by hunting giant fefze beetles in the Kesselian mountains. He managed to kill three giant fefze, and with each conquest Grand Moff Hissa congratulated him enthusiastically.

"Hi, kids! In Volume 4, we become recurring characters! We're a symbol of the authors' complete lack of ideas!"

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But still Trioculus wasn't satisfied. In an angry voice he spoke of wanting a bigger hunt, a bigger kill. He proposed a journey to the steaming, ammonia-filled jungles of the planet Cona to hunt star dragons. However, before Grand Moff Hissa could even ask about arranging such a safari, Trioculus quickly changed the subject.

God forbid, he go and kill any rebels . . . .

Unsurprisingly, a few people (stormtroopers again, those gossips), are questioning Tri's right to rule. Well, his fitness to rule, anyway.

As they make their way back to base, Trioculus and Hissa see the latest shipment of delicious, juicy Whaladon steaks being unloaded. Yummy! Also, a message from Captain Dunwell, the leader of the Whaladon hunters.

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Captain Dunwell had a short white beard and a reddish, leathery face. He wore a blue naval uniform with shiny buttons and rows of medals.

I always pictured him as having a pegleg (an EVIL pegleg). No, it doesn't make sense in the same world as Luke's robot hand. I don't care.

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"Dark Greetings, Lord Trioculus," he began.

Is everyone in this part of the Empire a goth, or something?

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"Here, beneath the oceans of Calamari, I have made an astounding discovery."

This sentence is home to an interesting mistake with surprisingly large after-effects.

Dac is the real name of the planet, and it is the only planet that didn't appear in the films to show up in the first half of this series. That's because the planet first appeared in an official fanclub newsletter in 1982, one year before the first appearance of the Mon Calamari in Return of the Jedi.

In it's first appearance, the planet was indeed called Dac. However, this fact remained obscure, and the authors obviously didn't bother going back and checking when they wrote this book. They incorrectly called it "Calamari", a mistake which was repeated by EU authors for many years.

Today, "Mon Calamari" is considered (in canon) to be a politically incorrect name for the planet, which houses four sapient species other than the Mon Cal. The more you know, huh?

Just goes to show how mistakes like this can screw over an entire canon.

Mister Politically Incorrect Endangered Whale Hunter asks Trioculus to come to the Whaladon Processing Center at once. Apparently, you can just summon the Emperor to your presence. I mean, did people used to call Sideous up and say, "Yo, Palp! Get your wrinkled ass over here!" No, he'd fucking kill you for that. Particularly if you invited him to a Rebel-held planet that pushed back the Empire at the hight of it's power under Palpatine.

This goes a long way towards proving my hypothesis that Trioculus is a punk-ass bitch. As someone who's now read the entire series, I can say with absolute certainty that nothing will change this opinion.

Meanwhile, on Dac, we're introduced to the leader of the Whaladons, Leviathor, the Great White Whaladon. He . . . ugh. Sorry, actually typing that was fucking painful.



Why are we even pretending that these aren't just regular Earth humpback whales?

Leviathor, for no apparent reason other that stupidity, is hanging out near the Whaladon Processing Center. You would think the bleach-white bones of his murdered kin would serve as a warning to stay away, but no. He acts all emo over the extinction of his race, and then runs away from the "biggest Whaladon-hunting submarine ever built".

Gosh, here? Who would have thought?

Here's a thought: why not just smash the fucking thing with your enormous bulk, Leviathor? There's a reason why people don't use submarines for whaling. Of course, that doesn't happen, because it would actually be cool.

Anyway, the sub tries to catch Leviathor in what can only be described as a whale vacuum, before he escapes. Somehow. He sets out for the Mon Cal city of Aquarius, where he hopes to find help.



This is the best idea anyone's had so far in the book. See, the Mon Cal are peace-loving people, too, but when the Empire assumed ultimate authority and started killing them, they built a fucking armada and took on Star Destroyers face-to-face, unlike Leviathor the Great White Pussy and his people. Why, I'll bet, once Leviathor tells them of the Imperial base on their world, they'll take care of it in no time, and with Trioculus there, a great threat to the Alliance will be defeated.

Nah! That's what would happen if these books were any good.

Meanwhile, Ackbar, Luke, and the droids are off in space. Luke wants to go straight back to Yavin 4, but Ackbar wants to stop by Dac, because they'll get spotted by the probe droids if they head in that direction. Also, there aren't many fish women in the Alliance fleet.

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"When we get to Calamari," Threepio asked anxiously, "will there be time for Artoo and me to be modified back to our usual-looking selves at the Droid Repair Shop in the Domed City of Aquarius?"

"Are you sure that's what you want, Threepio?" said Luke with a grin. "I'm sort of getting used to you being green—and mean-looking."

"Honestly, Master Luke, sometimes your sense of humor astounds me."

"I'm certainly not butch enough to enjoy looking mean."

They arrive in Aquarius just in time to bump into Leviathor.

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Admiral Ackbar was one of the few air-breathing fishmen who understood Whaladon songs. As Leviathor sang about how the Whaladons were threatened with extinction because of Captain Dunwell's new Whaladon-hunting submarine, the admiral hung his head in sorrow.

"Wise One of the Calamarian Seas," said Admiral Ackbar, "you have my solemn promise that I will do everything I can to save you and your valiant species."

"Tell him he has my promise, too," Luke Skywalker added.

Luke actually doesn't care. He's just realized that, if he didn't speak, this was technically going to become an Admiral Ackbar book. No guy with a fishy-smell is going to steal Luke Skywalker's screentime, even if he did steal Han's!

Next: All I want for Christmas is the glove of Darth Vader.

Lysander, I showed this thread to one of my EXTREEEEME Star Wars-loving friends, and he is alternately making horrified faces and then loling.

Zeiss, he looked positively gleeful at the Trioculus theme song.

Earlier, I said that the "breast" entery at Wookieepedia was the worst thing on the site. I was WRONG.

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In Star Wars Dark Times 5: The Path to Nowhere, Part 5, Dass Jennir falls through the ceiling of a room with a pool. In the pool are nude female Neimoidian and a male who appear to be engaging in oral sex.

That . . . that . . . that's lovely.

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Nute Gunray's alleged mistress Lora Besh wrote an unauthorized biography on Nute Gunray entitled Gunray On Top.

What is it with these people and Neimoidian cock?

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Daala tells Gilad Pellaeon that she used to have sex with Wilhuff Tarkin.

A mental picture I could have lived without.

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In The Joiner King:

* Zekk fantasizes about having sex with Jaina Solo and Alema Rar at the same time.
* Zekk also fantasizes about sex with Jaina and Jagged Fel at the same time.

Oh, Zekk. You silly manwhore.

Lysander wrote:

It had Jabba's gay uncle in it, which raises a whole lot of unpleasant questions, since I don't think Hutts even have genders.

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In Children of the Jedi: Leia Organa meets a producer of "Huttese pornography."

THAT JUST RAISES FURTHER QUESTIONS!

Spoiler:

They . . . they went through the movie frame-by-frame to find this.

Welp, gonna go clean the image of Tarkin doing the deed out of my head with a bullet.

Heh. I love the tongue-in-cheek nature of that one, myself.

/enjoys Zekk's status as bi poly Jedi

Thanos6 wrote:

Heh. I love the tongue-in-cheek nature of that one, myself.

I don't know what's worse: the fact that someone bothered to create this list, or the fact that I know that the window ceiling thing happened in Dark Times 4, and not Dark Times 5. :eng99:

Another terrible aspect of that website is the Yahoo! Answers section. 90% of it is just people asking rather or not Anakin's bratty padawan dies.

Sometimes, you get a gem of a question, though. "Did Anakin Make Love to Padme?" being the last one I saw.

Did the guy who is the father of two of the main characters make love to the girl who is the mother of two of the main characters?

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CHAPTER 5

Captain Dunwell's Discovery

The Mon Calamari are kind of a big deal.



Admiral Ackbar's flagship Home One compared in size to two of the Imperial Star Destroyers that Trioculus very pointedly does NOT have.

Back when the Rebel Alliance were just getting started, the Mon Cal already had a long and bloody history of fighting the Empire behind them. Dac fell to the Empire shortly after the Clone Wars ended, and the resistance got started almost immediately. After almost twenty years and countless losses, the Mon Cal drove the Empire off their planet, out of their system, and eventually, out of their entire sector. While the Rebels were hiding and striking from the shadows of Imperial worlds, the Mon Cal were liberating their's.


Sort of a big deal.

The union of the Mon Calamari fleet with the Alliance's manpower and technical expertise was what turned the Rebellion from a bunch of desperate guerrilla fighters who evacuate the second an Imperial fleet is sighted, into a Republic government-in-exile capable of winning large-scale battles and taking worlds back from the Empire.

Naturally, Dac is the last place any sane Emperor would want to visit.

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Intent on learning what Captain Dunwell had found, Trioculus left for Calamari in an Imperial strike cruiser that had been modified to travel both in outer space and undersea.

Trioculus goes there as soon as he's declared Emperor.

Sure, okay. So, he has one (admittedly pimped-out) medium-sized ship in the home port of the entire Alliance fleet. As long as he isn't noticed, he should be fine. I mean, how hard could it be to sneak around on a planet with a population of 27 billion people?

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"We're in contact with Captain Dunwell, sir," said Grand Moff Hissa. "He's planning to greet you with a thirty laser-cannon salute and a military procession."

Down at the Whaladon Processing Center, Captain Dunwell is putting the last touches on his "I AM HERE, NUKE ME FROM ORBIT" sign.

Even Trioculus knows this is retarded. Preferring not to be blasted into ionized gas by the turbolasers of an orbiting Mon Cal cruiser, he forgoes the military honors.

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"It's equipped with whirlpool generators," explained Grand Moff Hissa, "for sucking the Whaladons right out of the ocean and into big storage chambers. The generators are powered by an antimatter furnace,"

A whale vacuum. I told you so.

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GRONGGGG!

Finally, the judges rang the gong on Trioculus' rule, bringing it to a premature end.



Trioculus arrives at the Whaladon Processing Center. This brings us to one of the most graphic pictures ever made of the Star Wars galaxy.

Now, this is probably a pretty accurate picture of what a whaling operation looks like, but since Whaladons are sapient, this is technically a graphic depiction of mass-murder and mutilation and something that's not quite cannibalism, but is in the same league.

All in a children's book. A Star Wars children's book.

I'm all for saving the whales and shit, but killing a whale is not murder. You really have to wonder what these people's views are on cultures that survive off whaling, like the Inuit. What takes PC priority: respecting the other cultures that hunt whales, or saving them?

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"You need not worry about my comfort," replied Trioculus. "I want to know what was so urgent that I had to come all the way to Calamari for you to show it to me."

That's right, Trioculus came to this horrifically dangerous planet, and he still doesn't even know why.

Dunwell leads Trioculus to his office, through the whaladon processing area. We get more details of the massacring process as Trioculus watches the Aqualish workers hack at the Whaladon's blubbery flesh.


"Whaladon: the Other, OTHER White Meat. Pondo Baba Approved."

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The Whaladon meat they were chopping would soon be transported to the Whaladon Meat Quality Control Division.

Fortunately, this illegal whaling and murder operation is 100% FDA approved.

Trioculus admires the carnage, and nods approvingly, just to show what a mean jerk he is.

In his office, Dunwell informs Trioculus that the "Valley of the Giant Oysters" is littered with debris from the Death Star, but how can that be possible?

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The captain showed Trioculus the few metal scraps that were on his desk. "This is some of the debris I brought back with me. I've had it analyzed by an engineer; it's from the Death Star. I could hardly believe it since the Death Star blew up millions of miles away, near Endor."

"The intense gravity of black holes and other interstellar forces cause warps, folds, and buckles in space," explained Grand Moff Hissa. "Asteroids and spaceships have tumbled into these space warps and have suddenly reappeared millions of miles away. The same thing must have happened to this debris from the Imperial Death Star."

It was brought there by a black hole that orbits Endor. Duh! SCIENCE!

Dunwell informs Trioculus that he x-rayed a large portion of the debris for signs of the Glove, and believes he has found it. They set out in Dunwell's submarine for the Valley.

Back in Aquarius, Luke is at the local SPIN office, analyzing the recording from Kessel. He experiences a brief frustration headache over all the Imperial duplicity. You've got, like, twenty more years of this shit to go. Get used to it. Ackbar's nearby, fussing about the Whaladons.

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"For many years we've had a law on Calamari making it illegal to hunt Whaladons," explained Admiral Ackbar. "But no matter how hard we try we cannot control Captain Dunwell.

How to control Captain Dunwell: Step 1) Get your guns. Step 2) Shoot Captain Dunwell. He's committing genocide, for Christ's sake. Go shoot the motherfucker.

What's worse, they already know where the Whaladon Processing Center is! This isn't hard!

Get ready for the Big Environmental message!

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"Artoo wants to know how the hunting of Whaladons harms the ecology of your planet," Threepio translated.

"The Whaladons eat the little plants, or plankton, that grow at the surface of our oceans," Ackbar explained. "If those little plants spread and become too plentiful, as they breathe they could use up all the carbon dioxide in our atmosphere—the process of photosynthesis. Without carbon dioxide our planet would get much colder. You see, we need Whaladons to keep the amount of plankton in balance, or we Calamarians could wake up one day to find ourselves in an ice age!"

Kind of like The Day After Tomorrow, only with more blowholes.

The SPINers hop in a minisub and start tracking Dunwell's sub. On the way to the Valley of the Giant Clams, they catch Leviathor and four other whaladons.

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"This is a very sad day for Calamari," said Ackbar, shuddering. "Without Leviathor the Whaladons haven't a chance now."

(. . . )

"It looks hopeless," said Ackbar sadly.

Ackbar fears that it's a trap!

They arrive in the Valley, which gleams with pearls, and spot the wreckage. They scoop up a sample for Artoo to determine the atomic structure of. For some reason, the sample pops up near Luke's right boot, instead of on a bulkhead or console. Artoo determines that it's made of doonium and phobium, (and possibly Applied Phlembotinum), which are materials used in the construction of the Death Star's main reactor.

Luke realizes what's about to happen, just as the whaladon-hunting sub starts to recover the piece with the glove in it.

Next: One Hand Apparel to Rule Them All!

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CHAPTER 6

Ten Minutes to Self-Destruct

I used to link to the studio version of this song, but this one just fits the tone of the story so much better.

Trioculus puts on a diving suit "of the most advanced design", and personally blasts his way into the Death Star wreckage with a thermal detonator. You're the Emperor, man! Learn to delegate.


Can't you just BUY a black glove?

After digging through the wreckage for all of five seconds, he finds a black glove under an "ion deactivatior". Are ions generally activated, necessitating their deactivation?

Anyway, he immediately determines that this must be the Glove of Darth Vader. I'm not sure how he determines that, since it was destroyed by Luke, and he never actually saw it before. It could be anyone's glove. The Empire is full of people who wear black gloves. Stormtroopers wear black gloves, and the Death Star was full of them. Maybe it's a Stormtrooper's glove, or an officer's glove, or an officer's wife's glove. He doesn't even stop to check. He puts it on his right hand, and declares himself King of Everything.

Luke and the gang are still jerking around in their unarmed minisub, kicking themselves for not bringing the entire Alliance military with them.

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"Ackbar, can we catch up with that little sub before it gets back inside the Whaladon-hunting submarine?" Luke asked.

"I don't see how," Ackbar replied somberly. "If we get too close, we'll be discovered. One blast from their laser cannons and we'll be finished."

"I say it's time to retreat then," said Threepio.

Look, I know Ackbar was never exactly excited about the Battle of Endor, and once they got there, all he wanted to do was leave. That's still no reason to put him on Threepio's level of pussitude.

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"We're not going to retreat, Threepio," said Luke. He turned to the Calamarian fishman beside him. "Admiral Ackbar, is there any way we could signal Trioculus and communicate with him somehow?"

"You mean let him know that we're here?"

"Exactly. If we surrender to him, then he'll take us aboard to question us, right? But that will be the biggest mistake he'll ever make."

"Or the biggest one we'll ever make," said Ackbar.

You know what? I'm with Ackbar, here. This is retarded. Turn around, go back to Aquarius, and call for reinforcements.

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It was an old Jedi rule of thumb to attack when the odds were overwhelmingly against you, and when there was no other possible way to save your own life or the life of an ally.

Maybe there's a reason why you're the last Jedi, Luke.

Ackbar immediately fucks up the minisub by causing a total power outage with his shitty driving, and then fucks up even more by trying to get Threepio to fix it. By some miracle of the Force, Threepio does, so Ackbar rams them into a Giant Squid, and gets them sucked into the whale vacuum.

I am not kidding about that sequence of events. I left nothing out. That is a faithful summery of what occurs, I swear to God on a stack of Bibles.

Of course, the only reason why they aren't killed the second they're on board is that the sub's crew is too busy gambling to notice that they just brought a Jedi on board their illegal sentient being butcher shop.

It's like they're competing for the Olympic gold metal in Synchronized Incompetence.

Trioculus emerges from the decompression chamber, ready to settle those assholes who questioned his ability to rule based on his lack of a glove.

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The droid Emdee had cleaned away the grime and then brought the black glove back to his master, whose right hand trembled as he reached for it. Trioculus put the glove on slowly, regally, like a king setting a crown on his head. An image of Darth Vader flashed into Trioculus's mind, and at that instant the evil of Vader seemed to pour through him like a sudden surge of power from the Dark Side.

He also felt a distinct urge to run his hand down someone's back, and compare them favorably to sand.


"Hello, Internet. You might not know me, but I've appeared here before. My name is MD-5. I was supposed to have a strong Luke/droids style friendship with Trioculus, adding to his character while allowing me to play a large role in the series, but the authors simply forgot about me, and I only appear a few times. Why?! Why create me, and not create a world for me to live in?! Curse my callous creators! My android heart is breaking!"

Trioculus, Dunwell, and Hissa walk down the corridors, while admiring his new glove. They bump into the Aqualish gamblers, who give Tri some sass.

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"How dare you!" an enraged Trioculus boomed, raising the glove of Darth Vader and pointing it at the Aqualish who had just insulted him.

But to Trioculus's amazement nothing happened.

The glove didn't work for him the way it had worked for Darth Vader, who had been able to choke the life-breath out of his victims by pointing the glove in their direction.

. . . and here's the exact point where the already stupid plot begins to fall even further apart.

Given what's coming up, I'm torn between rather this is a deliberate attempt to show that Trioculus is ignorant of the Force, or if the authors really thought Vader's ability to telekenetically crush people's throats was due to his magic glove, even though Luke used the same technique to disable some pig guards at Jabba's place. Honestly, it's impossible to tell.

Trioculus fries one of the Aqualishes, and tells Dunwell to get lost. Tri and Hissa head out to Dunwell's private quarters to discuss the glove, and oh God, this is a doozy.

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Shaking his head in disgust, Trioculus sat down in the captain's favorite chair. "When Darth Vader pointed this glove, he had the power to choke his victims," he said. "The glove is useless if it no longer has that power."

"The important thing to remember," said Grand Moff Hissa, "is that the glove is a great symbol of evil. As we know, the Supreme Prophet of the Dark Side, Kadann, prophesied that the new Emperor would wear that glove. And now that you wear it, none of the Imperial warlords can question your claim to be our new Emperor. And Kadann won't be able to question your authority, either, once we go to Space Station Scardia and prove to him that you have found it."

"I'm not interested in symbols," said Trioculus. "I want the same power as Darth Vader!"

Grand Moff Hissa continued. "My lord, you must realize that, though you are a great slavelord, it could still take many years for you to become a True Master of the Dark Side. Don't forget, the lightning bolts don't flow naturally from your fingertips like they did with Emperor Palpatine. Emdee had to implant a cybernetic device inside of you so that you could appear to have the lightning power. But if you use it too many times, all that electricity could prove fatal to you. You mustn't use it anymore. Fortunately, however, the lightning device has already served its purpose. It helped us to convince everyone that you are the Emperor's son, which is exactly what the Central Committee of Grand Moffs wanted to do."

If you've ever caught a wiff of bullshit from Trioculus before, now you know why. Our grand villain and replacement for Palpatine is a fraudster who uses stage tricks to trick people into thinking that he has vast Force abilities.

What. The. Fuck.

Okay, I . . . okay. Deep breaths. This isn't so bad. I mean, at least this indicates that Trioculus isn't really Palpatine's son, right? I mean, I can live with the villain being a glorified stage magician, if it means that Palpatine didn't have a three-eyed son.

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"And I hope you shall never forget," said Grand Moff Hissa, bearing his pointy teeth, "that we dreamed up this plot only because we had absolutely no choice. The Emperor's real three-eyed son, Triclops, is hopelessly insane, and all of our attempts to cure him have met with failure. Obviously it's better that a trusted three-eyed mutant, such as yourself, should take his place, my lord. If we were to permit Triclops to rule the Empire, his madness would surely bring about the end of us all!"

OH DOG FECES! There's no way that could be true, or that it could be setting up a staggeringly retarded plot point in the future!

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"I can put one of these inside the tip of each of the glove's fingers," Emdee said, holding one of them up. "When your fingers press against these devices, they will give off a piercing, high-frequency sound, an earsplitting pitch heard only by the one you've aimed the glove at. It will make your victims gasp and fall to their knees. Their eardrums will explode and their brains disintegrate, just like Darth Vader was able to do with his own natural power."

Although that's nothing like what Vader was doing, I have to admit that it's pretty badass. The Geonosians used sonic-based weaponry, so this is probably derived from that.

Luke wakes up in the minisub, which is stuck in a chamber with the surprising docile giant squid. They let Ackbar drive, which seems like a bad idea, but he manages to get them to the hatch without killing them all in a fiery explosion.

They run into Dunwell, who bugged his own room like Dick Nixon, and overheard Trioculus and Hissa's conversation. He shoots Artoo twice, but Artoo just shrugs it off, because he's hardcore. Luke takes care of the blaster with his lightsaber, and threatens Dunwell.


You know, it'd probably be more intimidating if you cut the blaster with your saber, instead of just slapping it out of his hand.

That doesn't get results, so he mind tricks him into leading them to the controls. Artoo plugs into the computers.

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"You fool," said Captain Dunwell, recovering his senses. "You think that little utility droid of yours can crack a code I spent three years creating?"

"Gaaaaaz booop dweeet!" beeped Artoo.

"He says you underestimate him, Captain," said Threepio. "He says Darth Vader's codes used to be much more complicated than yours, and it never took him more than fifteen seconds to figure those out."

See? Artoo's a badass. Luke tells him to let the whaladons free, and he sets the self-destruct to go off in ten minutes. He does this first. This turns out to be a mistake, of course.

The alarms go off, and the Final Countdown begins.

Next: Luke verses Trioculus!

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Given what's coming up, I'm torn between rather
this is a deliberate attempt to show that Trioculus is ignorant of the
Force, or if the authors really thought Vader's ability to
telekenetically crush people's throats was due to his magic glove, even though Luke used the same technique to disable some pig guards at Jabba's place. Honestly, it's impossible to tell.

As bad as these authors are, I don't think they're THAT bad. I'm fairly sure it's supposed to demonstrate that Tri has no idea what the Force really is.

Thanos6 wrote:

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Given what's coming up, I'm torn between rather
this is a deliberate attempt to show that Trioculus is ignorant of the
Force, or if the authors really thought Vader's ability to
telekenetically crush people's throats was due to his magic glove, even though Luke used the same technique to disable some pig guards at Jabba's place. Honestly, it's impossible to tell.

As bad as these authors are, I don't think they're THAT bad. I'm fairly sure it's supposed to demonstrate that Tri has no idea what the Force really is.

Keep in mind that these are the people who, as we later find out, don't know what an X-Wing is.

I think it's entirely possible that they believed that a magic glove was the source of Vader's choking power, but the situation does have a certain ambiguity to it.

Lysander, I am loving your recap. I read this book when I was six, promptly forgot about it, years later vaguely remember it and believed it to be a bad dream until I found your recap.

So...

I am amazed that something this bad actually got published. I suppose the idea was that anything connected with Star Wars would sell, but dear God, didn't someone read the damn thing first?

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CHAPTER 7

The Captain's Reward

Delicious, juicy whaladon meat? Sadly, no.

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Quick, Artoo!" said Luke. "Tell the master control to free the Whaladons!"

"He's searching for a way to do it, Master Luke," said Threepio. "He's looking and—oh, gracious, he can't find it! Keep looking, Artoo. We've got to save Leviathor and the other Whaladons before—"

In retrospect, activating the self-destruct before releasing the trapped and doomed whaladons was pretty stupid. You'd think a computer that just cracked an unbreakable encryption would be able to handle two little objectives.

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Suddenly Trioculus appeared down at the end of the hall.

Once again, outta fuckin' nowhere! Seriously, how the hell did he know to come here?

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"Oh, no, Master Luke, Trioculus has found us!" Threepio shouted. "We're doomed!"

Words which will NEVER be uttered by any soul ever again under any circumstances.


"Why yes, I'm totally a match for a Jedi Knight!"

Trioculus raises the Glove! He's going to use the sonic weapon!

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Luke ducked behind Captain Dunwell.

Luke heroically uses a hostage as a human shield! He's a role model for all the kids!

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Luke then lifted the captain and heaved him, making him collide with Trioculus and toppling them both to the floor. Then Luke drew out his lightsaber.

Then he uses the disoriented hostage as a projectile! A shining example for us all.

I'm gonna be generous, and assume that he lifted Dunwell with the Force, and not a sudden burst of 'tard strength.


When fighting, Luke has NO TIME to obey the petty laws of physics.

Trioculus holds him back with the lightning weapon. The aforementioned side-effects kick in, leaving Trioculus on the verge of a coronary failure, but he manages to hold out long enough to stun Luke, in spite of the terrible pain he's inflicting upon himself. Trioculus demands the cardkey to the escape pod from Dunwell, and flees, shouting miscellaneous threats of revenge back at the rapidly recovering Luke.

Luke makes it back to the minisub, and Ackbar pilots it through the writhing and grasping tentacles of the giant squid, escaping with time to spare.

Trioculus makes it to the escape pod, where Hissa is waiting for him. Dunwell catches up,and prepares to board the pod. Hissa prevents Dunwell from entering before the Emperor, causing a frustrated Dunwell to accidentally reveal that he overheard the earlier conversation about Trioculus' lack of significant Force abilities. Trioculus informs him that he just became a liability, so he can go down with his ship. Dunwell tries to force his way on board the escape pod while begging for mercy, but Trioculus stuns him with the sonic weapon, and abandons him to his fate.

The sub self-destructs with a tremendous explosion, killing all but the Heroes, Tri and Hissa, and the escaped whaladons. Trioculus sets out for his ship, pondering on how there is now nothing between him and total control of his part of the Imperial Remnant.

Compared to everything that came before, this isn't that bad. It's short and lacking in any sort of detail (which is why I said I imagine Luke used the Force to throw Dunwell, because the book doesn't tell me if he did, or if he just had a burst of insane wookiee-like strength), and the details it does give are stupid, but it's also too fast-paced to concentrate on unsubtle environmental messages or the abject silliness of Trioculus. It's a confrontation between a Jedi (of sorts) and a Sith (in a sense), which is the most Star Wars-y thing to happen so far.

Trioculus actually comes across as sort of a badass (and this will never happen again), willing to push himself to the edge of a fatal heart attack in order to buy time to escape, whereas Luke takes a full blast to the chest, and jumps right back up for more. Tri's betrayal of Dunwell is almost Sith-like (for a given value of Sith-like), and certainly justified, from his point of view.

Never, ever let it be said that I don't absolutely give credit where it's due.

Unfortunately, this is not the end. Luke and the gang return to Yavin 4 to report to SPIN, where they recieve their accolades for uncovering the data from Kessel, stopping the illegal whaling operation, and rescuing Leviathor and the captured whaladons. Ackbar invites them all back to Dac for a whaladon song concert in their honor.

Quote :

"I'm very sorry to report," Threepio said in a disappointed voice, "that Artoo absolutely refuses ever to return to Calamari with me again—that is, until I get a license to steer a Calamarian minisub!"

Luke laughed, remembering that Threepio's brief moments of piloting the minisub had almost been the death of them.

Sure, everyone pick on the droid. You seem to be forgetting that it was totally Ackbar's fault that he had to drive in the first place.

Quote :

The program of Whaladon songs was spectacular. It included a water ballet, Whaladon folk melodies, classical Whaladon songs, and an opera Leviathor had composed that told the legendary story of how he had become the Whaladon leader many years ago by helping the Whaladons survive an undersea volcanic eruption.

Whaladons have a spectacular culture for a species with no apparent means to defend themselves from a vacuum, or call upon any of the other four races on their planet to do it for them. They have no cities, no apparent society, and no means of production or trade. In spite of their alleged vast intellect and wisdom, their only contribution to the planet is eating plankton, and their only contribution to the story is being retarded. They are worthless, and later Star Wars sources will refer to them as animals. Rightly so.

Luke listens to the whalesongs and ponders on rather or not Trioculus escaped, and what that could mean for the growing Rebel Alliance. . . .

Next: The Horror Truly Begins in Lost City of the Jedi!

Quote :

THE LOST CITY OF THE JEDI

We have not yet begun to suck.

Once again, we get the standard recap, only now it's longer, to account for all the three-eyed mutant emperors, and shit. Trioculus is off to see Kadann and brag about getting the glove, while Luke is going to pay a visit to Han's new house on Bespin.

Luke knocks on the door, and is given a once-over by Han's security droid.

Quote :

"Gracious," exclaimed See-Threepio, Luke's golden droid. "Han has certainly become strict about security!"

Captain Solo would be disappointed in your out-of-character way of addressing him, Goldenrod. I don't know why that bothers me so much. This is just a trickle in the vast ocean of bad characterization to come.

Luke assures Threepio that it's just a bad neighborhood. I'm not sure how "I've taken you into a crime-ridden hellhole" is supposed to reassure him, but it does.

Quote :

ZHOOOOOM! The door made a loud sound as it lifted up

Quote :

By the way, this series spells out all the sound effects. ALL of them, not just plot important stuff. If someone opens a door, it's important that you know what it sounds like.

I remember, long ago, when this was a humorous exaggeration. I preferred those carefree days of yore to the "ZHOOOOM!"-filled hurly-burly of modern life.

Quote :

Luke, Threepio, and Artoo had come to the planet Bespin on a mission for SPIN: the Senate Planetary Intelligence Network. Lando Calrissian, the governor of Cloud City, had requested their help because food pirates had invaded all of the big hotels and food storage companies. In the raids stolen food was shipped off to a secret Imperial base for the Empire, who needed food for its army of stormtroopers.

I sort of like the image of the Empire being so desperate that they feed the Stormtroopers with crappy stolen hotel food.

Luke actually captured a bunch of food pirates, in what the book assures me was an amazing adventure with a fast-paced plot and some stirring action scenes. Naturally, we won't be reading any of that, but the book assures us that it was all very exciting.



Somehow, this series will manage to completely pussify Han freakin' Solo. Starting right now.

Quote :

"How's Her Royal Highness, Princess Leia?"

"She misses you," Luke said.

Just the other day, she said, 'I wonder how General Han Solo of Corellia, Capitan of the Millennium Falcon, hero of the Battle of Yavin is doing? I, the Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan, would like to know.'

Quote :

"I've been from one end of this galaxy to the other," said Han, his voice swelling with pride, "and I've never seen another house like this one. It's a new concept of mine:houses that float in the sky.

Totally new concept, nothing else like it. Hey, you wanna order some pizza? There's a place in nearby Cloud City that delivers.


"What, that? They totally copied me!"

Quote :

Luke couldn't believe his eyes. Han's house had outdoor observation decks, a big kitchen under a transparent dome, lots of bedrooms with floating beds, a circular living room that could be turned to face any direction, a workroom for building everything from blasters to airspeeders, a two-cloud-car garage

Han has moved in with Chewie, they've decided to build their dream house together, and now we're admiring his skill at interior decoration. Then, he goes to mince around the kitchen for a while . . .

Quote :

Han changed the subject by putting on a chef's apron and cooking them a spicy Corellian meal on his new nanowave stove. Chewie then demonstrated his newfound cooking abilities by serving up one of his zoochberry pies for dessert.

. . . after which, they set down to eat, and talk about Han's feelings. I think. It's hard for me to read, what with the tears, and all.

Luke wonders aloud rather or not all those bedrooms are for their future kids. I wonder if there are enough for

Spoiler:

On second thought, maybe you two would be better off in a studio apartment that's very near a place that sells condoms.

Quote :

Luke looked his old friend straight in the eye. "Come on, Han," he said, "you can tell me. Were you thinking about marrying my sister Leia when you built this huge place?"

Oh, I see. Han's obsessed with building this place, because he's one of those guys who has to make all the decisions for his woman. He thinks he's doing her a favor, but all he's really doing is cutting her out of all the decisions, essentially shooting himself in the foot when it comes to dealing with an independent woman like Leia.

Thank God. If he were being any more sensitive, he'd be kissing Luke goodbye in order to prance through the daisy fields with Threepio.

Quote :

Han just laughed. "If I ever do decide to get married, which is highly improbable, Leia is at the top of my list. But this is all just wild speculation."

He's got to keep his options open, in case he meets someone better than the Princess. You never know. He could run into some kind of bisexual ultra-rich Superqueen made of solid gold and candy. He's HAN SOLO. He can pull it off. Don't tell him the odds.

Luke tries to talk Han into coming back to SPIN with him, but Han brushes him off, saying his only mission is constructing his dream house. Luke climbs into his fighter . . . .

Quote :

Luke shut the door to his Y-wing starfighter.

I can easily see how you could get them confused.

Every kid who grew up with Star Wars knows that Luke Skywalker pilots an X-Wing starfighter, and in this series he flies a Y-Wing.

This is often raised as the most blatant evidence that the authors didn't know what the fuck they were talking about when they wrote the series. It's possible that they realized that he couldn't bring Threepio in a one man snubfighter, but maybe they did just get them confused.

Of course, neither an X-Wing nor a Y-Wing has a door to be shut, so it's a moot point in their favor.

Whatever kind of ship it is, it explodes with a thunderous "BROOOOMMPF!" when he tries to start the engines. Han saves Luke, and Chewie finds evidence that the Empire is behind the explosion.

Lando, in his one mention in the book, gets Luke transported to the Cloud City hospital.

Quote :

Luke had lots of bruises and several cracked ribs, but no broken bones.

Logic error: does not compute. Unless Luke's ribs are not made of bone.

Unfortunately, his mechanical hand has been damaged, and nobody on Bespin has the parts needed to fix it. Luke is incapable of flying himself back, so Han takes him back to Yavin 4 on the Falcon. On the bright side, it means Han is going to be in this book! There's a downside to this, however. It means that Han is going to be in this book.

He's also reunited with Leia.

Quote :

"Sorry I've been such a hermit, Princess. I'll make it up to you. I promise."

Han stopped Leia to give her a very long kiss. And against the Princess's better judgment, she didn't try to make it any shorter.

I wonder what Leia's thinking?

"Remember, you love the jerk, you love the jerk, you love the jerk . . . ."

Luke's surgery is successful, and he's put in a "Massasi" (sic) tower to recuperate.

Quote :

On this foliage-covered moon, many of the ancient archaeological wonders of the Massasi still stood, reminders of these ancient people and their society.

Honestly, the less you know about this guy's society, the better off you'll be.


A society that served as the warrior caste of the ancient Sith, but in spite of all those reminders, Luke doesn't seem to know that. I don't think he ever bothers to find out in any of the other books either, even after setting up his Jedi training camp here, although Exar Kun's ghost later fills him in on the important details.

Well, he tries to kill Luke in the name of the ancient Sith, but that's really the only detail that matters.

Luke falls asleep, and dreams that he's flying over Yavin 4's jungles. The jungles catch fire, and he crashes. On the ground, he discovers a wall of green marble, disguising an elevator leading to some secret location. Obi Wan's spirit appears, and tells him that it's the location to the Lost City of the Jedi. Given the capitalization, I assume that's it's proper name. It makes me wonder what rare jungle plant the Jedi council was smoking when they signed off to build a place called "The Lost City".

Quote :

"Memorize this code, Luke," Obi-Wan continued. "Its importance shall soon become clear to you:

"Up, Up, Down, Down. . . ."

The code is actually "JE-99-DI-88-FOR-00-CE". Nice. They'll never crack that one.

Luke wakes up, and decides that the best way to recover from surgery is a nice flight over the jungle in his airspeeder. He doesn't know where he's going, but perhaps the Force will guide him to the LCotJ.

If only he knew what awaited him there, he would turn back.

I am bumping the shit out of this.

Lysander, you need to get your ass back here and finish this.

You mean to tell me someone actually got paid to write this crap?!

If anyone's interested, a guy on TheForce.net is doing his own dissection of this series. Currently, it's just starting the third book, Zorba the Hutt's Revenge. Link here: http://boards.theforce.net/threads/join-me-and-achieve-perfection-a-reread-of-the-glove-of-darth-vader.50011595/