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 Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back

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Lysander
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PostSubject: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Mon Dec 14, 2009 9:04 pm

A long time ago, in a forum far, far away, a GAFFer named Lysander decided to snark an entire book.

He'd been reading a brilliant blog called slacktivist, where a man was doing the same thing to "Left Behind". His vision was nothing as grand as that, however. He wanted to mock a book he'd read as a nine year old. He was going to do The Glove of Darth Vader, the worst Star Wars book ever written. It went well, and before he knew it, he had found himself a summer project: a three-month continuous mockery of the heartrendingly atrocious (but canon!) six-volume Jedi Prince series.

Also, some people who are all Asperger's about Star Wars continuity like to deny that this series is canon. They are morons, and I fully intend to show that this series is without a doubt part of the canon. I will take every opportunity to point out any and all links to recognized canon that I can find. As such, expect a great deal of nerdy Star Wars shit in this thread. I promise to dumb it down so that normal people with girlfriends who have have only seen the movies can understand it.

Disclaimer bullshit, because this is a legitimate published work: all of the art and videos belong to their respective owners, and have been rehosted to preserve bandwidth. Star Wars belongs to Lucasarts. Nobody's reproducing anything for commercial use, here. The Jedi Prince novels were written by Paul and Hollace Davids, and published by Bantam Books, a division of Random House. Contact me via the board's private messaging if you have questions. Hah! Covered my ass!

Updates will be weekly on Mondays for as long as I can manage it. Each update will cover a chapter. I plan to cover the entire series as before on GAFF. Use of spoiler tags in the thread is encouraged, unless we've already covered what you're talking about. Oh, and I will be rereading the books as I post these. Pity me.


No more delays. Let's hop right into this tale of Jedi royalty, steamy jungle cities, and failed mutant seduction.



Six months have passed since the death of the Emperor and Darth Vader. The Empire maintains it's dominance over the galaxy, but is rapidly fracturing from within. Ysanne Isard, former head of Imperial Intelligence, is the de facto ruler of the Empire. Her government is slowly undergoing Balkanization, her commissioned officers are deserting en mass to become warlords, and she's vying with Wedge Antilles, and the famous Rogue Squadron on the war front.

However, some of the Empire's bottom-rung leaders are meeting on Kessel, and the Alliance would like to know why.

The first chapter is a summery of the movies, which I won't trouble you with. Except for this:

Quote :
The Rebel Alliance was formed by heroic men, women, and aliens, united against the Empire in their valiant fight to restore freedom and justice to the galaxy.

I saw the deleted scenes in Revenge of the Sith. The Rebel Alliance was founded by a ginger, Darth Vader's co-dependent wife on a pregnancy/hormone-driven spate of resentment, Leia's douchey adopted father, and Osama bin Laden. Not quite the epic men and women of legend.


Well, except this guy. They don't even have names for some of the ways he can kill you.

The actual story begins with the droids getting disguised as Kessel work robots by a group of technicians performing cosmetic modifications on them. Threepio is bitching like he's having a bad hair day. For some reason, they're on Yavin 4, even though that base was discovered by the Empire way back in the first movie. This is . . . problematic, from a plot point of view. First of all, the Empire already discovered this base, back in Episode 4. The Empire may not be united, but they still have more firepower than the Rebellion. It's not a good idea to hide where they know you are.



There is also the minor problem of Exar Kun, the dead Sith Lord who's spirit still stirs in the basement. Years later, they'd have all sorts of problems due to this, but today, the Sith seem content to let the rebels defile their tombs.

Quote :
"Dweeeet bchooo tzniiiiiiiit!" beeped Artoo-Detoo,

By the way, this series spells out all the sound effects. ALL of them, not just plot important stuff. If someone opens a door, it's important that you know what it sounds like. Anyway, all of the characters from the movies are now an organization called SPIN (Senate Planetary Intelligence Network). No doubt, a name that strikes fear into the heart of the Imperials. Han sees them enter, and greets Luke.

Quote :
"Well, kid," Han said to Luke, "you sure did a great job on these droids. If I didn't know what was going on, I'd swear I was on Kessel."

"Thanks, Han. Coming from you, that really means a lot," Luke said to his friend.

"It means a lot that you'd think I did all the work, when it was really these technicians.

Quote :
"I flew the trip from Kessel anyway, against my better judgment. In fact, I've made the Kessel Run in the Millennium Falcon in less than twelve standard
timeparts."

"You told me that the day I first met you, back in the cantina at the Mos Eisley spaceport on Tatooine," said Luke. "Remember? When I showed up with Obi-Wan Kenobi and—"

"Yeah, I remember, kid, now that you mention it," interrupted Han. He knitted his brows and frowned.

I think Luke is still giving him shit for using the word "parsec" wrong.

"Gee, kid. Now that you mention it, I do remember. What else did we do that day? Oh yeah, we blew up a planet-sized Death Star and rescued a princess, who I happen to be dating. That does kind of stick out in my memory, yeah."

Quote :
"Which brings us to the urgency of the Kessel mission," Mon Mothma said strongly. "Thousands of grand moffs, evil warlords, stormtroopers, Imperial droids, and enemy officers from the Empire are arriving at Kessendra Stadium on Kessel for a big gathering in their capital city."

Good warlords are being shot on sight.



This is Kessel. Yes, it's the one on the right. It is exactly as horrible as it looks. You'll notice the utter lack of capital cities.

A group known as "The Prophets of the Dark Side", lead by a midget (an evil midget) named Kadann, have made a new prophecy that some in the Empire are actually taking seriously, for once. I guess there is a first time for everything.

Quote :
After Palpatine's fiery death
Another leader soon comes to command the Empire
And on his right hand he does wear
The glove of Darth Vader!

And we have our MacGuffin.

I like to think that the amount of attention this announcement is given shows just how desperate the Empire is.

Quote :
"Unlike the left-hand glove, the right glove was made to be indestructible," Mon Mothma replied. "A symbol of evil that would survive forever."

Um, Chancellor? You might want to fast forward to 0:52.



You'd think the fact that the glove was annihilated would put paid to this nonsense. Apparently not.

The surveillance plan is to insert the droids in a fake meteor to Kessel, where they'll sneak into Kessendra Stadium and record the meeting. Very Solid Snake.

Meanwhile, Han is off to pursue his dream of home ownership!

No, seriously!

Quote :
"Your highness," said Han.

Word to the wise, Han. Generally, when a woman takes her pants off for you, you get to call her by her first name.

Quote :
"After Chewie and I drop off the droids in the meteor pod on Kessel and take Lando back to Cloud City . . . well, I don't know exactly how to put this . . . I'm not planning on coming back for a while."

Not for the rest of this book, anyway.

Quote :
"But, Han," Princess Leia protested, "you know how important you are to SPIN."

"We need someone to put the chairs back up on the tables and turn out the lights after everyone's gone! Also, who'll let the Sith ghosts out while you're away?"

Hey, remember that part in Empire Strikes Back, when Han is trying to leave, and Leia is saying that he shouldn't go because he's important to the Rebellion? Remember how funny and wrought with chemistry that was? Notice how that chemistry is completely missing here?

Quote :
"Maybe so, but Lando's offered me a lease on a piece of sky near Cloud City. I've always dreamed of having a place of my own, and I figure it's about time Chewie and I built my dream sky house."

So, you're leasing a space, and building your own house there? I think Lando might be running some kind of real estate scam, here.

Note that he's leaving a beautiful, available princess to live with a giant male furry. That says a lot about him that I'd rather not care to ponder on.

Quote :
"Can't you put it off until we know what's going on with the new Emperor?" asked Leia.

"Princess, there's always something important that seems to come up before I can take care of my own dreams. Time is running out. And a man's got to do what
he's got to do."

"If that's the way you want it, Han," Leia said, not quite understanding him. She turned away.

My theory? She knows he's really going out with Chewie and Lando to blow money on Twi'lek hookers and spice. She just doesn't want to admit it to herself.

Anyway, that's it for Han, Chewie, Lando, and Leia in this book. We won't be seeing them again until book 2. From here on out, the main characters are Luke, the droids, Ackbar (of all people), and a pair of villains that you're going to have to see to believe, and the characterization only gets worse from here. So does the story. And everything else.

Next: Our Villain, Ladies and Gentlemen!
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Zeiss Manifold
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Mon Dec 14, 2009 9:43 pm

Oh God yes.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Mon Dec 14, 2009 9:52 pm

THIS IS THE BEST WEEKEND EVER
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Mon Dec 14, 2009 10:05 pm

:D! Amazing.


...I read one of those books this past summer. It was in some random bookcase where we were staying. My sister and I read it out loud. We took great joy in the fact that the sound effects were spelled out.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Mon Dec 14, 2009 10:07 pm

Glad to see you're bringing this back. Good luck dude, and may the Force Snark be with you. Oh wait, it already is.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Mon Dec 14, 2009 10:17 pm

Happenstance wrote:
...I read one of those books

You have my sympathy.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Mon Dec 14, 2009 10:31 pm

Oh, this is so awesome to have back.

BTW, you might be interested in this tidbit, per the Wookiee:

Quote :
Kessel, as depicted in The Second Kessel Run, was a lush, idyllic world containing the Giant Fungi Forest. According to The Essential Atlas, and confirmed by Jason Fry on the Jedi Council Forums, this depiction, along with the equally hospitable vision depicted in The Glove of Darth Vader, has been retconned into being Little Kessel, a world not far off the Kessel Run.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Tue Dec 15, 2009 11:36 am



Thank you greatly for bringing this back.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Tue Dec 15, 2009 7:06 pm

Yes! I'm so glad to see this back. I saved it before GAFF went down (...somewhere. My hard drive is a tip), but it needs to return.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:32 pm

Don't know if I'll be around next week, seeing as how it's Wookiee Life Day, and all. Here's an update, just in case.

Quote :
CHAPTER 2

Lightning Power of the Dark Side

Lord, here we go.

Han and Chewie unceremoniously dump the droids' meteor pod out of the Falcon, so they can blast off to start planning their life together on whatever passes for San Fransisco on Bespin. They fly the Falcon into Kessel's atmosphere in order to do it, so I'm not sure what the point of disguising it as a meteor was. All any kind of radar or sensors would see is a ship dropping something.

The droids make their way to an underground tunnel, and start heading to Kessendra. Within about two paragraphs, they arrive underneath their destination.

Quote :

Kessendra Stadium was the frequent site of gladiator games in which slaves fought to the death, while sportsmen from throughout the galaxy placed bets. Today, however, there would be no gladiator games.

The reason why there were no games was because officials suddenly realized that they were confusing the Galactic Empire with the Roman Empire. Slaves were given an apology and an exceptionally mild beating, before being sent back into the giant-spider infested tunnels to mine more spice.

Quote :

Artoo gave a singsong series of toots and whistles. "Reewooo dweet? Beeeeza zooon?"

"No, there aren't any droid-eating monsters down here.

Actually, on Kessel, there are, but nobody tell Threepio. He'd just freak out.

On second thought, do tell him. That's far more amusing than anything this book has offered so far.

The droids make their way into the stadium, which is filled with thousands of Imperials and mining droids (evil mining droids), for some reason. Suddenly, the audience chatter stops, as a man approaches the podium.



The first of a pair of terrible villains: Grand Moff Bertoff Hissa. Berty will remain a fixture throughout the series, ridiculous dental work and all.

Quote :

The crowd became quiet as a grand moff, one of the Empire's regional governors, began to speak. The beady-eyed grand moff was bald and his teeth had been filed into sharp, spearlike points.

"I am Grand Moff Hissa," he announced, just as Artoo figured out who he was. "And to my fellow grand moffs, and to the grand admirals, other officers, stormtroopers, bounty hunters, slavelords, and slaves, I bid you all Dark Greetings!"

Then, pausing for a moment, he reached behind the stage. From there, he removed a puppy. He placed the puppy beside him, and preceded to give it a sharp kick.

The traditional opening ceremony of the Central Committee of Grand Moffs completed, he continued.

Quote :
"We have gathered here today to mark a new beginning," he continued, puffing out his chest proudly to display his brown uniform. "The destruction of our latest Death Star was but a temporary setback. The Rebels have yet to see the full fury of our power and our might. We are developing even more advanced weapons, and when we are done, we shall rule the entire galaxy and crush the Rebel Alliance."

No. Absolutely not. I refuse to believe that the Emperor personally set this moron down and told him about all the Sun Crushers and World Devastators and shit he was secretly working on behind the scenes.



Hissa is a Grand Moff, a term which might confuse some people. A Moff (Military Officer) is the official in charge of a sector of the galaxy. Moffs were originally put in place by the Republic during the Clone Wars, under an act called The Sector Governance Decree, and were charged with keeping areas from seceding from Republic control. Before long, they essentially became the governors of those sectors.

In the deleted scenes of ROTS, there is an entire subplot about Padme's "Petition of 2000", which is a Senate protest against this act. Padme foresaw the day in ANH when Palpatine would dismiss the Senate, and give total control to these "regional governors".

Grand Moffs are the overseers of the galaxy, trusted with multiple sectors and huge projects, such as the Death Star. Bert seems to have been the official in charge of managing the spice mining trade on Kessel.

Today is the biggest day in Bert Hissa's career. Today, he's going to begin his plan to rule from behind the throne.

Quote :
"The Central Committee of Grand Moffs has summoned you all here for this meeting to announce our new leader,"

They're going to choose a new Emperor! Someone to fill Palpatine's shoes! A dark side warrior, a man of legend, someone as imposing and impressive as Darth Sideous himself!

Quote :
"Even though Emperor Palpatine is dead, his line continues. For many years you have heard rumors that the Emperor had a son. But our departed Emperor and the Central Committee of Grand Moffs always denied those rumors, for reasons of Imperial security. However, today I am authorized to inform you that the Emperor did indeed have a son: a son who shall be our new chosen one!"

Oh my God! Palpatine had a son! A Chosen One, no less! Show us this titan who shall bestride the galaxy and crush the Rebellion once and for all! Show us the man who embodies the legacy of the Sith! Show us . . . .

Quote :

Then a huge, black door suddenly opened, and a tall mutant dressed in black came out to face the gathering.

"Friends of the Empire," Grand Moff Hissa announced, "I present to you the son of Emperor Palpatine: Trioculus, the Supreme Slavelord of Kessel!"

But instead of cheering, a frightened hush crept through the crowd at the sight of the new ruler. Trioculus was known to be a ruthless and merciless slavelord, one who had sent many slaves to their deaths.

Threepio could see that Trioculus looked powerful and threatening. But he was surprised that he wasn't ugly like Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine had been. In fact, Trioculus was almost handsome. Except for one thing --

Two of Trioculus's eyes were right where Threepio expected them to be, on either side of his nose. However, it was Trioculus's third eye, right in the middle of his forehead, that made him look rather unusual.

. . . THE BIGGEST LOSER IN THE HISTORY OF THE GALAXY!



Nice shoulder pads, by the way. What are you, a reject from Mad Max?

Even at age eight, this left me fucking speechless. Palpatine's son is a three-eyed mutant. An evil three-eyed mutant. Named Trioculus (pronounced "try-OCK-you-lus", as in three-eye, get it? Ugh).

The book wavers on rather he is biologically a mutant, or the result of a human mating with a three-eyed alien.



I really hope he's a mutant.


Quote :
From Artoo's beeps and buzzes, Threepio quickly learned many things he had never known before. For instance, Artoo's data banks revealed that some old Imperial stormtroopers did believe that the Emperor had had a son with three eyes, a son who lived on Kessel.

What Stormtroopers? Were they clones? Are Stormtroopers notorious gossips, or something?

Quote :
However, when the Rebel Alliance had investigated that story, no evidence had ever been found.

How hard is it to find a male human with an extra eye growing out of his forehead?

Quote :
Artoo's rapid beeps revealed more about Trioculus, information from Mon Mothma's secret Affiance files on the slavelords of the Kessel spice mines.

Much less, one who Alliance intelligence had an entire dossier on?

Oh, but just because his father was the Dark Lord of the Sith, that doesn't mean he was born evil.

Quote :
Trioculus had a reputation for being among the most evil and cruel of the Kessel slavelords, personality traits that developed when Trioculus was just a child. As the only mutant in his school on Kessel, he was teased and hit constantly by the other students who made fun of his third eye.

He's evil because other kids made fun of him in school. To be fair, this probably went over a lot better before Colombine.

Quote :

The crowd continued to watch in hushed silence, as Trioculus began to speak in a cold, throaty voice. "My father, the Emperor, had many powers of the Dark Side. But without three eyes he could never achieve perfection. It was known by the ancients that a Dark Lord with three eyes has a secret strength possessed by none other. And so it is my destiny to rule over my father's Empire and bring us the glory that he never achieved!"



In this one instance, time has been kind to Trioculus. Recent retconning has resulted in this babble making a bit of sense. The founder of the Prophets of the Dark Side was a rogue Sith apprentice named Darth Millennial, who also happened to have a third eye, for as yet undisclosed reasons.



Those of you who played TIE Fighter for DOS might recognize the tattoo on Millennial's hand as your own.



That's right: the Black-Cloaked Man was a Prophet. The organization you were inducted to was the Prophets of the Dark Side.

Think about it: at one point, you may actually have worked for Kadann.

Somewhere, a midget in a black dress is laughing at us while we snark this.

Quote :
Then an admiral stood to speak. "How can you claim to be the new chosen one when you do not wear Darth Vader's glove? The Prophets of the Dark Side have said that the next Emperor shall wear it!"

And we have our MacGuffin.

Quote :
"But the Prophets of the Dark Side are powerful!" declared the member of the Imperial Royal Guard. "They foretold that the Rebels would blow up both Death Stars, and they even knew when they would be destroyed. They saw the future. Therefore they must know our destiny!"

That's partially, but not entirely, a fact. Prophet Kadann predicted that Vader would bring balance to the Force at the Battle of Endor. Palpatine laughed in his face, so Kadann just packed his bags and headed to the hills.

At first, Trioculus doesn't care about the glove. However, when dodging the question of the glove doesn't work, he resorts to what Vader always resorted to: violence.

Quote :
"Only I know the destiny of the Empire," thundered Trioculus, "and only I have the power of my father and more, including the lightning power of the Dark Side!"

Trioculus raised his arms and bolts of lightning shot from his fingertips. The lightning crackled in two directions, striking both the member of the Imperial Royal Guard and the grand admiral who dared to question him.



And Cyclops of the X-Men, from the look of it. Good thing there's a T1-B medical droid on hand to heal them.

The art here is especially terrible. For the record, an Imperial Royal Guardsman looks like this.



The Grand Admiral in question was Miltin Takel, seen here standing between two much cooler villains. Note the facial hair.



He is the only character to have the dishonor of being killed by Trioculus. He was also high on spice when it happened.

The droids turn to flee with this information, only . . . .

Quote :
Threepio turned to look for the little droid. "Hey, wait for me!" he said, noticing that Artoo was already heading back toward the entrance to the underground passageway.

Threepio hurried to catch up with Artoo. As they approached the door to the tunnel, they saw that it was surrounded by stormtroopers; and the stormtroopers were bolting it shut!

Oh, no! How will they ever escape from this?!

They'll turn around and walk out the door, that's how. An anti-climactic end to this ridiculous chapter, and it doesn't get any better from here.

Next: It gets worse. FAR worse.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Sat Dec 19, 2009 3:59 pm

I have located the Trioculus theme song!

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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Sun Dec 20, 2009 3:00 pm

Zeiss Manifold wrote:
I have located the Trioculus theme song!


I think the only way that could have been more perfect is if it was played on kazoos and rubber bands
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Mon Dec 21, 2009 12:13 am

Oh, Lysander, you rock my world. I read all but Book 3 of this series as a kid, and remember way more than I should of it. Thank you so much for snarking it. I can't wait until you get to that one character...YOU know which one.

You know, out of everything in the books, what sticks with me the most are the gruesome deaths. I ate that shit up as a kid, especially the one with the muffins. I hate to say it, but it was actually a really early influence on my writing. Funny how this shit works out.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Mon Dec 21, 2009 12:24 am

Zeiss Manifold wrote:
I have located the Trioculus theme song!




Trioculus wrote:
I think the only way that could have been more perfect is if it was played on kazoos and rubber bands

Try a comb and some wax paper.

Delcat wrote:
I can't wait until you get to that one character...YOU know which one.

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

:whisper: Fucking brat.

Here is some food for thought concerning the one character who is the anti-Trioculus, in case you haven't seen it:

Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:36 am

Lysander wrote:
:whisper: Fucking brat.
that one character that does that one thing involving stuff and so forth

shhhhhhh
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Sat Dec 26, 2009 5:25 pm

Another Monday where I'm gonna be gone from the computer all day. Maybe I should have planned all this out better.

Quote :
CHAPTER 3

The Seven Words of Trioculus

I'll bet you're wondering why anyone would want Trioculus on the throne.

Well, for a start, drugs. G.A. Takel was certainly a spicehead. He might not be the only one. Palpatine promoted a variety of men to the position of Grand Moff or Grand Admiral for a variety of reasons, not all of them having to do with merit or competence.



"Leave me the hell out of this."

The main reason is Ysanne Isard.

Isard is currently the de facto ruler of the Empire, not Trioculus. Isard differs from our little Moff club in that she is not a moron. She has connections deep within Palpatine's former circle, a firm grasp on the basic principals of governing, and was involved in the day-to-day running of the Empire. She may even have been Palpatine's lover.

The real sticking point here is that the Grand Moffs outrank her. Grand Moff is the sixth highest rank in the Imperial hierarchy, and Isard is a mere intelligence director.

The Committee, lead by Hissa, want Trioculus to be their puppet ruler. He seems to be okay with this, as he's on surprisingly good terms with the Moffs. Trioculus has a seemingly magnetic hold over the most worthless people the Empire has to offer. He garners a lot of support, but not from anyone who is useful in any fashion. It's as is losers automatically recognize him as their king.

So for the moment, the Moffs are riding high. Naturally, their first move is to consolidate power, rally the fleet, acquire vital intelligence on the location of any remaining Imperial superweapons, and enforce order on the crumbling Empire, right?

Wrong. Trioculus hops in a limo with his droid, and hits the buffet.

Quote :
Upon their arrival Emdee went directly to the huge kitchen to warn Trioculus's chef to complete the preparations for the celebration banquet.

Soon Trioculus and Grand Moff Hissa were joined by a small, select group of grand moffs loyal to Trioculus and a grand admiral from the planet Gargon. Together they sat at a very long banquet table while a servant brought in trays filled with Whaladon meat, a delicacy that was reserved only for the Imperial ruling class and forbidden to stormtroopers and slaves. Whaladon meat was especially prized because it was thought to be a source of strength.

Whaladons were huge whale-like creatures, mammals that lived only in the oceans of the watery planet Calamari. They were highly intelligent and wise, and it was against the laws of Calamari to kill them. Still, a huge, illegal Whaladon hunting operation existed in Calamari's waters. In fact, even though Whaladons were an endangered species, there were more Whaladon hunters on Calamari than ever before, led by Captain Dunwell, a trusted friend of the Central Committee of Grand Moffs.

EVERYONE GOT THAT?![/Spaceballs]

Okay, so I guess I can't blame Trioculus for being hungry. Food's good for thinking, and there's a lot of thinking to do. His little stunt showed the Grand Moffs that he has power similar to Vader and Palpatine, but much of the galaxy still doubts the very existence of the Force, never mind acknowledging that Palpatine was a practitioner of it. I doubt that throwing lightning, while undoubtedly a cool trick, is going to convince the Empire of his lineage. The only way he's ever going to set in the Imperial throne is through swift, decisive action!

Quote :

He spoke seven words.

"Find me the glove of Darth Vader!" he said in a booming voice.

. . . that's not quite what I meant.

Quote :

Then he stared at them with his third eye, causing his loyal officers to shudder.

Is he being impolite to them for staring at them with it, or are they being impolite for calling attention to it?

Quote :
Grand Moff Hissa understood the difficult task before them. The Central Committee of Grand Moffs had declared Trioculus to be the new Emperor. But if someone else found the glove and wore it, then Kadann, the Supreme Prophet of the Dark Side, might declare that Trioculus was not the rightful heir to the throne and should be deposed.

If that happened, the Central Committee of Grand Moffs would lose their credibility and would probably also lose their influence and power in running the Empire. Grand Moff Hissa was determined, at any cost, not to let that happen.

This was a well thought-out plan, guys. Really.

Quote :
In fact, all friends and allies of the Central Committee of Grand Moffs were being notified immediately that if any of them found the glove, he or she should notify Trioculus and turn it over to him at once.

Hissa stood up and addressed the table. "If you find the thing that can be your key to ruling the galaxy, please turn it in to the management. Note that I said please."

"Aw," one of the Grand Moffs exclaimed. "I was gonna use it to take over the Empire, but since you said please . . . ."

Trioculus brings up the point that they need a new base, since he's known to be connected to Kessel, it's the first place his enemies will strike.

Quote :

"I suggest the planet Tatooine," said Grand Moff Dunhausen, who wore earrings, little ornaments shaped like laser pistols."We can take over the Mos Eisley spaceport!"




Grand Moff Earrings looking faaaaaaaaaabulous!

Quote :
Trioculus dismissed the idea immediately. "That useless planet where Jabba the Hutt died? Do you think I want the Empire to waste its time eliminating sand people like the Tusken Raiders and those two-bit traders, the jawas?"

There was a longer silence before the next suggestion came. "Bespin!" said Grand Moff Thistleborn, whose bushy eyebrows touched each other in the middle and curled up at the ends. "Let's take over Cloud City!"

Trioculus sneered. "We already have a barge full of factories for building weapons and mining tibanna gas on Bespin. Besides, Cloud City isn't a fit place to train our troops."

"Dagobah?" offered the grand admiral from Gargon.

"You're wasting my time!" Trioculus shouted, slamming his fist down on the table. The dishes rattled and a serving flask of zoochberry cream fell on its side.

"Hoth?" Grand Moff Hissa said hesitantly.

Okay, does anyone here know a planet that's not in the movies? Anyone?

Quote :

"The new base should be located on a world that the Rebel Alliance wouldn't consider important," Grand Moff Hissa began. "Preferably a world where Imperial stormtroopers won't be too comfortable—comfortable men grow lazy and rebellious. There are still bases and military bunkers on Hoth that the Rebels once used before our four-legged AT-AT walkers chased them off the planet," he continued. "All we have to do is move in!"

Does Hissa doubt that Trioculus knows how many legs an AT-AT has? Yes, I think he does.

Also, the Rebels returned to their base on Yavin, so they might also reopen the base on Hoth. Hiding from the Rebels on a place that they certainly know about is stupid. I think the retcons make it so they're hiding from Isard, rather than the Rebels.

Anyway, one of the Grand Admirals stands up and objects to this retardation. Hissa kills him with his blaster, much to the surprise of everyone. Not because there are only 13 Grand Admirals in the entire galaxy, but because Trioculus didn't electrocute him.

Meanwhile, Threepio and Artoo are wandering around the city, having previous escaped the Empire's trap by strolling away at a leisurely pace. Threepio is talking VERY LOUDLY about how he can't wait to get back to YAVIN 4 and tell MASTER LUKE about THE EMPEROR'S SON.

Suddenly, a speeder shows up, and nukes the meteor pod ("SHIBOOOOOM!"), before dropping a bunch of Stormtroopers. My earlier theory about it being a stupid way to land is correct. Lysander 1, SPIN 0.

Fortunately, Luke materializes from nowhere and rescues them before they're noticed. He takes them to the lush and beautiful forests of Kessel, which, again . . . .


Do you see a forest on either of these? No, you do not.

. . . .where they meet Ackbar in another pod, and blast off. An epic two-sentence battle occurs, during which they escape from Kessel. However, returning to Yavin will have to wait, because Threepio announced that probe droids are being launched everywhere, presumably to look for the Glove.

Next: Captain Planet, He's a Hero!
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Thanos6
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Sat Dec 26, 2009 7:23 pm

Quote :
Isard differs from our little Moff club in that she is not a moron.

Gonna have to disagree here. She surrendered Coruscant. That's practically the first entry in List Of Things You Do Not Do In Galactic Warfare.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Sun Dec 27, 2009 1:07 am

Oh my God, this book is ever more stupid than I remember it being, and I remember reading it at age five and going "Wow, this book is stupid."

Wait, spice is a drug? I always thought it was...y'know, spice. For food. Hurpadurp.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Sun Dec 27, 2009 1:27 am

Glitterstem is commonly known as Spice and is mined in Kessle hence the bragging of smugglers making the Kessle Run in such a short time.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Sun Dec 27, 2009 2:07 am

Thanos6 wrote:
Quote :
Isard differs from our little Moff club in that she is not a moron.

Gonna have to disagree here. She surrendered Coruscant. That's practically the first entry in List Of Things You Do Not Do In Galactic Warfare.

Let me amend that. For an Imperial, Isard is fucking brilliant. There are far, far worse. Daala isn't dumber than Trioculus, but she's a very close runner up. She had a Death Star, and somehow in the course of her career, she's never really managed to hurt anybody.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Sun Dec 27, 2009 8:51 am

Wookieepedia's greatest article!

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As in many other comic books, female characters are sometimes depicted with breasts on the verge of being disproportionately large. However, breast size is only ambiguously canonical, as characters that appear in both comics and movies typically have smaller breasts in the movies, whose canonicity overrides that of the comics.

Everything you ever wanted to know about boob continuity.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Sun Dec 27, 2009 7:14 pm

Ysanne Isard looks strikingly like a Rule 63 version of Oberstein. I just wanted to say that.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Fri Jan 01, 2010 10:59 am

Not to drag my own thread off topic, but I've got a confession to make.

Over the past couple of days, I've been doing something I promised myself I'd never do. I've been watching the Clone Wars CGI cartoon. Now that I'm over the visual style, I can't decide rather or not I hate it.

Look at the movie. That shit was just three or so episodes clumsily stapled together. It never should have seen a theatrical release. It barely qualifies at a narrative. It had Jabba's gay uncle in it, which raises a whole lot of unpleasant questions, since I don't think Hutts even have genders. Opening the series on Hutt reproduction might have been a miscalculation.

Now, look at the three episodes immediately following the movie episodes, which tell a far more tightly-scripted story of the Republic's attempt to destroy a single enemy dreadnought. That's got everything I expected from a Clone Wars TV show (minus the bratty padawan). Lasers and explosions and lightsabers and badass clones and Padme blowing Grevious the fuck up and continuity porn (Clones in Y-Wings! :viley:) and a great big final battle that uses all the main Prequel characters in a way that really works. Yay!

Later on, they have a Jar-Jar centered episode, and I'm right the fuck back to hating it. Did we seriously need to bring back Jar-Jar?

Then, they show the bratty padawan getting her entire squad killed with her spunky Mary Sueish attitude, and I'm getting mixed messages.

How the hell should I feel about this series? I'm asking because I honestly don't fucking know.
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Sat Jan 02, 2010 4:07 am

Lysander wrote:

How the hell should I feel about this series? I'm asking because I honestly don't fucking know.
Ugly as Jabbas asshole and just as well-thought-out, but sometimes sex up the back-door of a 10-foot-long slug is just what you're hankering for. Just don't tell your friends, they don't want to know.

Also, I have a question: are you doing these from memory? Did you save them?
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PostSubject: Re: Jedi Prince Episode V: Trioculus Strikes Back   Sat Jan 02, 2010 7:44 am

unskilled78 wrote:
Ugly as Jabbas asshole

There are a few reasons why I tried not to hold the visual style against it.

1) It's a stylistic choice, and since a great deal of anime gets away with that excuse while having hideously deformed humans, so can Lucas.

2) If I can set around in my twenties and still enjoy Star Wars this much, then it's not really my place to get mad at Lucas for wanting to recreate some puppet shit from the 60's.

3) Everything except the people looks exactly like it did in the movies. All of the spaceships and droids and such use the same computer models as the movies.

Quote :
Also, I have a question: are you doing these from memory? Did you save them?

I have the entire thread from GAFF. Unfortunately, the House didn't let you save entire threads, so I just have the posts with content from that one. When the House went down, I was in too much of a rush to grab anything else. The pictures are still where I uploaded them.

I'm also rereading the chapters before each post and giving them a second glance before I post them.


EDIT: Also, that bratty padawan's fate is clearly the elephant in the room. She's not in a very good position. She's surrounded by clones. Her master is roughly two years and six months away from transforming into an unstoppable Jedi murder machine who turns on all his friends. In RotJ, well within her natural lifespan, Yoda tells Luke that he is the last of the Jedi.

So . . . sucks to be her?
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