2012: Hey kids, let's do some fake science.

:wooper:
So, today I saw 2012 in theatres expecting an action-packed "Day After Tomorrow" sort of feel to it, and actually being pretty decent according to the reviews I read prior to paying. After paying, and almost walking into the wrong theatre, me and Alex sat down near the middle and watched the previews.

I would later realize that the previews for upcoming movies were actually better than the entirety of 2012.
Yes, even Avatar.

Note: SPOILERS AHEAD, as in I will summarize the entire movie from start to finish.

SO. We start in 2009, where a scientist in the Middle-East discovers that the Sun has been acting naughty lately, and giving off a ton of "neutrinos" or something along those lines. These neutrinos are heating the interior of the Earth and causing bad things to happen.This doesn't really make any sense, but hell let's run with it.

We skip to 2010, where we receive no information whatsoever on the situation.

2011 now, and the president seems to know that things are going badly. They decide to initiate a plan to save the world with the cooperation of the G8 countries.

2012, DUN DUN DUN DUUUH. The movie begins! Now let's talk science, because there doesn't appear to be any so far.

There is a massive earthquake along the San Andres fault line, where the two "halves" of the plate boundary split apart, approximately 15 kilometers from each other.

- First off, how does this relate to neutrinos again? The Earth's core becomes MORE molten than it already is, and giant earthquakes start happening along impossible plate boundaries. The San Andres fault line is a transform fault line: the two plates rub against each other side-to-side. Okay, so the mantle of the Earth is getting hotter, so looses all its density and starts acting like water, causing the plates to go wonky. Wow, okay, the pressure needed to move plates 15 KILOMETERS apart from each other is probably enough pressure to set the Earth off it's own orbit. Plates are kind of heavy, who would've guessed?
This is also ignoring the fact that plates need to move SOMEWHERE. 15 kilometers apart, jesus what the hell happened to the Pacific plate? Did the mantle magically gobble that up?

Our budding protagonist drives to his wife and kids to warn them of their impending doom, snatches them up into a limousine and starts driving through the cartilage.

-Props on the visual effects here, 2012. Our budding protagonist, an author, is driving through Las Vegas (and only one other car is on the road!) driving through falling buildings, underneath collapsing freeways, jumping over the giant holes in the ground, and not getting a scratch while at it.
Jesus christ this art major can drive. This entire scene can be summed up in one word: unbelievable. Both aesthetically and logically. No human on the planet could drive this well.
Also, there is a scene where he looks into a crevasse, and sees the mantle. This DOES NOT WORK.
The lava would a) be spraying upwards into his face (seeing as the Earth is apparently totally unstable now) and b) that's a miiiighty deep hole. A little too big for a little earthquake to cause.

Protagonist and wife fly to Yellowstone, because there's plot development hidden there. Yellowstone erupts, causing a giant pyroclastic flow and a shockwave.

-No major problems here; if Yellowstone did erupt, this would probably all happen. Except it was like "ooh rumble rumble" *looks away* "whoa Yellowstone erupted I didn't notice". Way to totally MISS THE MONEY SHOT. Oh and a plane couldn't outrun a pyroclastic flow. They flow is like less than a kilometer away, and the plane hasn't left the ground. Pyroclastic flows can reach up to 500km/h, the plane was going 80km/h at it's best. You'd need a jet plane flying at top speed to outrun that fucker.
AND pyroclastic flows are HOT. Like, really REALLY fucking hot. Temperatures inside can reach equal to those of the surface of the Sun. And the plane can withstand these temperatures. Mmmm

Some vague plot development happens here, with almost no reference to what is actually happening. Presumable more earthquakes in areas that don't have fault lines. Paris gets completely obliterated whereas the Himalayas is untouched. Hm.

Giant tsunamis plague the land, devouring everything in their path, except Africa.

-WHY.

The protagonist and entourage drive a Bentley out of a moving Russian jet plane, onto a bed of ice.

-This doesn't work on so many levels and if you think you can drive ANY car out of a moving plane (moving over 100km/h) then be my guest, but mention me in your will. This entire scene is "hey look kids Hollywood can waste money on breaking Bentleys"

They finally reach this giant docking bay the Chinese built in preparation for the apocalypse. The bay has 3 boats which will carry passengers with 1,000,000,000,000 Euros handy.

-When you see this place, it's fucking GIGANTIC. In fact, it's a little hard to imagine this place, and the boats, and the the accommodations, and the $400 glass of wine in every room could be built, or funded in 3 years. Or less.

side note: apparently the world found out about this place and all magically transported inside and then started a revolt because they couldn't pay the ticket cost. Perfect sense, just like the rest of this movie

The water hits the docking bay with all the passengers it can hold aboard, slamming everyone against a wall, but nobody is injured.

-A wall of water, which contains the power to knock over a MOUNTAIN as seen in a previous scene, would probably have more than enough power to squash a tin boat. They said 'ohnoes 80 PSI of force!" which is about the same amount of force as a paintball gun.

The boat then crashes into Mt. Everest, but starts it's engines and immediately reverses out of it.

-A boat that size being flung against Mt. Everest with constant pressure behind it from the massive wall of water smashing against it, would either create a crater in the side of the mountain and everyone inside dies, or the boat would go squish. Man this boat must be made of some mystery super-alloy that can withstand paintball gun shots, and the force of the Pacific Ocean behind it and a rock mountain in front of it.

Our protagonist saves the day by holding his breath for over 10 minutes and wrestles a steel pipe out from between two gears. 5 minutes later he resurfaces.

-Wow. Our art major has got some pretty slick lungs.

30 days later Earth is stable. Yaaaay.

-NO. Even if all this weird, apocalyptic shit DID somehow happen, Earth wouldn't stabilize in a MONTH. Also, everything that happened above happened in a day. Mmmhmm. Right. Geological processes are a bit slower than that. Something happening "quickly" geologically is only a mere 50,000 years. A day would be equivalent to a human writing out the entire Bible in less than a second.

SO. Science aspect, done.
Only two more things that made no sense and I promise I'll stop talking.

Humanity is RETARDED. Seriously, how much of a dolt do you have to be to not recognize this is happening? And the government ~HIDES~ it from the people. Bullshit, learn to turn a TV on. The media would go apeshit over something like this.

Also: all the interesting characters died. And in really anti-climatic deaths too. The most interesting guy, and death, was this crazy hillbilly standing in front of Yellowstone as it erupted, and squealing like a girl. Everyone else was like "oh shit I forgot to breathe in water" or "help I'm being devoured by a gear machine"


So yeah. 2012. Made no sense, but hey, the CG-I was good. Except for one scene where it looked like claymation dolls were falling from paper-mache buildings. But otherwise, cool movie bro.

Yep, this was exactly what I hated about it. Sure the "RUN AWAY!!!" scenes kept you on your toes (as ridiculous as they were), but after the limo sequence, it really goes downhill.

AND THEY KILLED EVERYONE INTERESTING (spoilers, of course):

• Awesome hunky Russian dude who decides it's better to stay on the brakeless plane he can't do a thing about.
  
• Crazy conspiracy-nut hippy (...wait, he was quite happy to die, so does that count as being killed off intentionally?).
  
• Selfish rich guy who ends up being a hero for his punk-ass kids before being handed poetic justice.
  
• The boyfriend who confesses his love for the family, yet he was in the way of Cusack being heroic and getting back together with his ex, so he got killed off doing nothing at all.
  
• Pretty lady with the cute dog who saves the bed-wetting girl, but ends up drowning in one section before the other section filled up (not sure I got that one).

Not to mention they killed off a bunch of religious figures as well...

I find it funny Australia wasn't mentioned at all, or even actually shown in any of the maps. We survive if only because we don't exist in Hollywood.

What I really hated as well were the ideas they stole from both their own works and others. As if we wanted to see another dog-saving sequence.

Having made the ultimate in formulaic disaster movies, will the creative team involved and Hollywood in general now STFU and do something else? LIKE HELL. Stay tuned in a couple of years for an even bigger movie where the moon crashes into the Earth because the Anti-Spirals are afraid of us while cliched family/romantic drama plays out in the foreground.

Speaking of which, why does EVERY big disaster movie have to have someone reuniting with their ex and/or an estranged parent? Just once, I'd like to see a disaster movie where someone trapped in a crashing space station or something uses their final radio call to tell their parents they hate them, then has anonymous sex with a hot stranger in order to go out with a bang.

Keith Fraser wrote:

Having made the ultimate in formulaic disaster movies, will the creative team involved and Hollywood in general now STFU and do something else? LIKE HELL. Stay tuned in a couple of years for an even bigger movie where the moon crashes into the Earth because the Anti-Spirals are afraid of us while cliched family/romantic drama plays out in the foreground.

I'm afraid they already went there: Impact

Quote :

They finally reach this giant docking bay the Chinese built in preparation for the apocalypse. The bay has 3 boats which will carry passengers with 1,000,000,000,000 Euros handy.

-When you see this place, it's fucking GIGANTIC. In fact, it's a little hard to imagine this place, and the boats, and the the accommodations, and the $400 glass of wine in every room could be built, or funded in 3 years. Or less.

It's the Chinese. They'd do it, but the quality of the work would mean that it would break up and sink the moment it left the harbor.

Plesio wrote:

AND pyroclastic flows are HOT. Like, really REALLY fucking hot. Temperatures inside can reach equal to those of the surface of the Sun. And the plane can withstand these temperatures. Mmmm

He must have sprung for the extra $50 paint job.

Plesio wrote:

A boat that size being flung against Mt. Everest with constant pressure behind it from the massive wall of water smashing against it, would either create a crater in the side of the mountain and everyone inside dies, or the boat would go squish. Man this boat must be made of some mystery super-alloy that can withstand paintball gun shots, and the force of the Pacific Ocean behind it and a rock mountain in front of it.

Paid for the same paint job the guy on the plane got.

Can anyone tell me if the science is better or worse than Armageddon. If it's worse, I have to see this.

I am so glad I went to see Paranormal Activity instead.

ZoZo wrote:

Can anyone tell me if the science is better or worse than Armageddon. If it's worse, I have to see this.

I haven't seen it, but based on the OP, I'd say it's worse than Armageddon (which had less stupid!science to ignore), but still slightly better than The Core.

Dude, anything is better than The Core.

As for 2012, saw it, liked it. Shit gets blowed up real good, and that's all you need to know.

But I hate that they killed all the Russians and the boyfriend; Gordon and the Russian chick deserved to be together.

Plesio wrote:

SO. We start in 2009, where a scientist in the Middle-East discovers that the Sun has been acting naughty lately, and giving off a ton of "neutrinos" or something along those lines. These neutrinos are heating the interior of the Earth and causing bad things to happen.This doesn't really make any sense, but hell let's run with it.

To be fair, neutrinos are a real particle.. except for the part where they don't work like that at all. They have pretty much no mass. In fact, more than 50 trillion of them from the Sun pass through the human body every second. DANGEROUS, YES.

Plesio wrote:

There is a massive earthquake along the San Andres fault line, where the two "halves" of the plate boundary split apart, approximately 15 kilometers from each other.

Yeah, that's supposed to happen... uh... a few million years from now. DAMN THOSE SOOPER-DE-DOOPER DANGEROUS NEUTRINOS.

Plesio wrote:

First off, how does this relate to neutrinos again? The Earth's core becomes MORE molten than it already is, and giant earthquakes start happening along impossible plate boundaries. The San Andres fault line is a transform fault line: the two plates rub against each other side-to-side. Okay, so the mantle of the Earth is getting hotter, so looses all its density and starts acting like water, causing the plates to go wonky. Wow, okay, the pressure needed to move plates 15 KILOMETERS apart from each other is probably enough pressure to set the Earth off it's own orbit. Plates are kind of heavy, who would've guessed?
This is also ignoring the fact that plates need to move SOMEWHERE. 15 kilometers apart, jesus what the hell happened to the Pacific plate? Did the mantle magically gobble that up?

Is it time for me to bring up how earthquakes are exactly like sex again?

... and then they had a cigarette.

Keith Fraser wrote:

Just once, I'd like to see a disaster movie where someone trapped in a crashing space station or something uses their final radio call to tell their parents they hate them, then has anonymous sex with a hot stranger in order to go out with a bang.

I think you'll only see that when you see a big-budget SFX disaster movie that is neither made nor financed by the Americans.

Hmm...I wonder if the Chinese would throw some of their $2 trillion of foreign currency reserves at my cynical disaster movie if I had the protagonist denounce the imperialist running dogs who caused the disaster, and ended it with the PLA saving the day?

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

Is it time for me to bring up how earthquakes are exactly like sex again?

... and then they had a cigarette.

Since it's all on the same planet, wouldn't it be more like the earth is wanking?

2012 In Fifteen Minutes

Quote :

DR. EJIOFOR: omg I have very important news namely that the world is going to end wtf
OLIVER PLATT, WHO IS SOME KIND OF GOVERNMENT SOMEBODY: We're fundraising, peon. Security! Kbai.
DR. EJIOFOR: LOOK, YOU ASSHOLE, I AM A RESEARCH SCIENTIST IN A DISASTER MOVIE!
OLIVER PLATT: ... I can probably give you five minutes.

Quote :

PRESIDENT GLOVER: Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Heads of State... I regret to inform you that we have known for six months...
THE OTHER HEADS OF STATE: SIX MONTHS??
PRESIDENT GLOVER: ... that the director of this movie... is Roland Emmerich.

Quote :

THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE I HATED

[Governor Fauxenegger is on TV assuring the people that everything will totes be okay WHEN SUDDENLY:]

THE EARTH:
OKAY LOOK HUMANITY
I AM SICK OF YOUR DUMB ASS
AND A WHOLE HOUR OF NOTHING HAPPENING
GTFO

JOHN CUSACK: JESUS CHRIST IT'S CALIFORNIA GET IN THE CAR

Quote :

JOHN CUSACK: I must take a small child if I am to get out of this action scene alive!

Quote :

[And they can do this because the Earth's crust has shifted so far that they are now over China. Are you for real? FOR REAL. SERIOUSLY--]

Can anyone who's seen the movie explain this better?

Quote :

THE EARTH:
HEY GUYS
A BUNCH OF MOSTLY WHITE PEOPLE ARE ON THE WAY
THEY WANT TO COLONIZE

ACTUAL AFRICANS: AW HALE NO!

Plesio wrote:

Also: all the interesting characters died. And in really anti-climatic deaths too.

Pun intended?

Quote :

[Governor Fauxenegger is on TV assuring the people that everything will totes be okay WHEN SUDDENLY:]

Did they seriously name a character Faux Nigger? :unskilled78:

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

Quote :

[Governor Fauxenegger is on TV assuring the people that everything will totes be okay WHEN SUDDENLY:]

Did they seriously name a character Faux Nigger? :unskilled78:

Pretty sure it was a joke, referring to him as a faux Schwarzenegger.

I actually liked parts of the movie. I thought the ending could have been better and wished the dad had died in the end but yeah. Other than it being extremely long, it was okay.

Raine wrote:

Yep, this was exactly what I hated about it. Sure the "RUN AWAY!!!" scenes kept you on your toes (as ridiculous as they were), but after the limo sequence, it really goes downhill.

AND THEY KILLED EVERYONE INTERESTING (spoilers, of course):

• Pretty lady with the cute dog who saves the bed-wetting girl, but ends up drowning in one section before the other section filled up (not sure I got that one).

SHE WAS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

Plesio wrote:

SO. We start in 2009, where a scientist in the Middle-East discovers that the Sun has been acting naughty lately, and giving off a ton of "neutrinos" or something along those lines. These neutrinos are heating the interior of the Earth and causing bad things to happen.This doesn't really make any sense, but hell let's run with it.

To be fair, neutrinos are a real particle.. except for the part where they don't work like that at all. They have pretty much no mass. In fact, more than 50 trillion of them from the Sun pass through the human body every second. DANGEROUS, YES.

Ow ow ow I can feel my insides turning into water

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

... and then they had a cigarette.

WITH MYSELF.

Keith Fraser wrote:

2012 In Fifteen Minutes

JOHN CUSACK: JESUS CHRIST IT'S CALIFORNIA GET IN THE CAR

This is FUCKING AMAZING.

JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A GIANT FUCKING DONUT
true story

grmblfjx wrote:

Plesio wrote:

Also: all the interesting characters died. And in really anti-climatic deaths too.

Pun intended?

You're talking to the least witty person on this entire forum and possibly the world. 8D

EVACUATE THE DANCEFLOOR EARTH

So I ended up seeing this movie after all. Pretty CG-I. Why did they think focusing on that boring-ass family was a good idea, though? Well, I did kind of like Gordon, so of course he had to die, because they couldn't let any of the interesting characters survive.

Also, the protagonist's book sounded shitty.

If this movie was made in the '70s Cusak and family would make it to the escape ship, only to be shot by the crew because they weren't important people who needed to be saved.

Aggie wrote:

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

Quote :

[Governor Fauxenegger is on TV assuring the people that everything will totes be okay WHEN SUDDENLY:]

Did they seriously name a character Faux Nigger? :unskilled78:

Pretty sure it was a joke, referring to him as a faux Schwarzenegger.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mikey just wanted an excuse to say "nigger".

Narwhal wrote:

Aggie wrote:

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

Quote :

[Governor Fauxenegger is on TV assuring the people that everything will totes be okay WHEN SUDDENLY:]

Did they seriously name a character Faux Nigger? :unskilled78:

Pretty sure it was a joke, referring to him as a faux Schwarzenegger.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mikey just wanted an excuse to say "nigger".

You seem awfully quick to accuse me of wanting to say "nigger" when you responded to a two week old post just so YOU could say "nigger."

It's the end of the world, except it's not! Everyone dies, except the annoying protagonists, a whole fucking lot of people, and Africa! It's named after the 2012 nuttiness, but has none of the weird events depicted in those predictions!

Spare me this bullshit.