Redemption: In which Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes has a mental breakdown or...something (WS)

I was going through some of my old files pulled off of floppy disks today and found my old MiSTing archives from when I was twelve or thirteen. I would copy entire fics down and pick at them piecemeal when I felt like it, a few dozen fics all told. While I only ever finished one full MiSTing and it was pretty pathetic (although not as pathetic as I remembered, surprisingly), I realized that I basically had a repository of ready-to-snark fics at my fingertips. This...is one of them.

Quote :

"Opening statements from the defense," the judge said."You're honor,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury" Calvin said, "my client is only six
years old...can we really be expected to believe that he deliberately
set fire to his house? That is just preposterous! I don't know what
else to say."

Calvin: More importantly, who's prosecuting a six-year-old?
Judge: Let's just say I thought my parents were hardasses...

Quote :

"And the prosecution?""Is a six year old..." the prosecuting
attorney drawled, "...incapable of torturing a cat, beating up a peer,
or indeed...setting fire to a house, simply because of their age? Are
small children universally designated to be innocent, incapable of
doing wrong?

"...what's that? What about impulse control? MacDonald Triad? Obvious mental problems? Look, I am really drunk right now, can you use smaller words?"

Quote :

The prosecution is not naive enough to believe that, and I don't think you, the jury, are either.

The court was then recessed for one hour so the jury could attempt to catch the Pickle Pixies that the judge informed them had just flown past.

Quote :

The six year old boy whom everyone believed burned his house down
walked to the witness stand and sat down, Calvin approached him,
smiled, "Melvin," he said, "you love your family, don't you?""sure, they're crazy sometimes, but for the most part they're alright," Melvin replied."You're home, your belongings, your toys, you like all those things, and you wouldn't want them to be destroyed, right?""right, especially my toys...and the TV.""Of course," Calvin said, smiling, "so you wouldn't want to do anything to hurt those, would you?"

Ah, for those halcyon days before Law & Order made sure that everyone older than three months could recognize a witness being led. Were we ever that innocent?

Quote :

"Melvin," the prosecuting attorney asked, "when you set fire to your house...""I
didn't even do it!" Melvin burst, "it was my bear! He did it!!" He
suddenly turned to the little stuffed bear on the defense table, "you
did so! Don't even try to deny it!!"

Bear: Don't look at me, kid, I'm just Exhibit C.

Quote :

"What happened to Melvin?" Calvin's wife Susan asked.

Actually totally unrelated to Susie Derkins, who went on to become an astronaut. Funny story, really.

Quote :

"We managed to pull off an insanity plea...it was the only way we could
even come close to winning...poor kid, stuck in a hospital that
way...but I couldn't believe it...the way he sounded...exactly like
me..."

Susan: The same extended nasal whine?
Calvin: Puberty was not kind to me, okay?

Quote :

"I want to take a trip to my parents place. I think it's time I pay them a visit. Make amends."

Susan: Didn't they move without leaving a forwarding address on your eighteenth birthday while you were on a walk?
Calvin: I've never seen anyone uproot an entire house in twenty minutes before.
Susan: Technically, you still haven't.

Quote :

After the car was packed, they left. They drove for hours. It was
already getting dark when they left and halfway through the trip it was
pitch black. Calvin looked out the window and for the briefest of
moments he saw, or thought he saw, a small red spaceship crash by the
roadside and a diminutive goggled figure crawling out and collapsing.
Calvin shook his head and it disappeared, to be replaced by a crimson
streak go across the sky, then falter and fall from the sky. He
squeezed his eyes shut tight and it, too, was gone.

Three minutes later, Calvin falls asleep at the wheel. Five are injured and two killed. This could have been prevented, if only he had taken 5-Hour Energy before he left the house. 5-Hour Energy: For all your sobering traffic accident needs.

Quote :

"Well, I've been thinking lately...about how I...was...I wanted to say I'm sorry for everything."
"You were a little boy...nobody expects little boys to be perfect."

Calvin's Mom: Although I still have the scars from the time with the fruit roll-ups and the rollerskates--
Calvin: Man, and I thought I couldn't live the Noodle Incident down...

Quote :

The next morning, after Susan visited her parents next door, they
went home. Susan thought they should go holiday shopping. Calvin
brought his briefcase to do paperwork in the meantime. They were
walking down the street when a man wearing a mask jumped out of an
alley and pointed a gun at them.
"you're money, now!"

Calvin: Okay, okay! Would you prefer we be fives and tens or just one fifty?

Quote :

Calvin lunged to stop the man, who swung the gun and slammed it against
his head. Calvin fell, and saw the man point the gun at Susan and start
to pull the trigger, when suddenly an orange-and-black streak came out
of nowhere and a tiger tackled the mugger and yanked the gun out of his
hand, then, amazingly, stood on two legs and tossed the gun over it's
shoulder. Calvin, Susan, the mugger, and everyone in sight all gaped in
surprise, "miss me?" The tiger asked Calvin.

Calvin: Jeez, where have you been for the past twenty years, fuzzball?
Hobbes: It's not my fault someone forgot to check the dryer after the second spin cycle.

Quote :

Calvin stood and gave Hobbes a hug, he glanced over Hobbes' shoulder
and saw the mugger retrieving the gun and pointing it at Hobbes, "NO!"
Calvin yelled.

Mugger: AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC TIGER, I THINK I'LL SHOOT IT IN THE FACE

Quote :

He spun so he was between Hobbes and the mugger, just as he heard the shot. He squeezed his eyes shut.
**************
A second later he opened his eyes, and everything
looked a lot bigger. He looked down at himself. The body he saw was
that of a six-year-old boy, wearing a crimson costume, complete with a
hood. A flattened bullet was at his feet. The mugger fainted.

Mugger: INEXPLICABLE SIX-YEAR-OLDS, MY ONLY WEAKNESS *fainty*

Quote :

Susan walked over, bent, and picked him up. Her eyes, wide with amazement, met his.
"Stupendous
Man?" She said. He hugged her, and a second later his feet touched the
ground. His body was that of an adult's again.

Aw, I wanted to see him try to do the Law & Order bit while he was still three feet tall. People shorter than I am are hilarious.

Quote :

A stuffed tiger lay on the ground. He picked it up and they went home.**************
A year later, they were sitting at home. Hobbes was in a crib, next to Calvin...Jr.

Mrs. Wormwood: PAY ATTENTION!
Calvin: GAH! ...whoo, that was the weirdest daydream I've ever had. Why did I think about marrying Susie? Eeeew, I must be coming down with something.

Man, nine years and that fic is still inexplicable and vaguely creepy. Enjoy, guys.

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Found here. It has a grown up Calvin & Susie, too.