Of baby mixups and affairs and car crashes- Yup, it's a wrestling fic all right.

SNARK 01- "The Untold Matt and Lita Story

So I figured I'd take part in the 20-fic Snarkathon. And what better way to start than head back to the goldmine of bad comedy that is FFN's wrestling section?

Today's selection (and by selection, I mean a thoroughly modified game of eeny-meeny-miney-mo; seriously, everything in this section sucks ass) comes to us from Arogomie11698, with "The Untold Matt and Lita story"

Quoth the summary:

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Matt Hardy meets two girls he likes when he's 18 or 19 and gets them pregnant one's name is Amy the other's name is Michelle. See what happens with Matt and his family. Tons of couples in here :D

With a summary like that, how could it POSSIBLY be bad?

Let's begin.

The first thing we're greeted with is:

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Story and Character info

Yes, our author is actually giving us a factsheet on characters we ALREADY KNOW ABOUT. I could see this being useful in 5-10 years time when new fans are out of the loop about the whole Matt-Edge-Lita fiasco, but now?

Our lecture continues thusly:

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This story is a Matt/Lita story. It is about how Matt is about 18 or 19 and he meets two girls. One’s name is Amy, the other’s name is Michelle he gets them both pregnant but on the night Amy’s baby is due Michelle goes to a party and gets drunk which kills her baby,

Oh, so it's like the whole Snitsky/Kane angle mixed in there too, I see.

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Michelle was pregnant before Amy so Amy gives her baby to Matt and Michelle is drunk so she believes Amy’s baby is hers.

...uh, except the Kane/Snitsky/Lita/Matt/Edge story, the great clusterfuck that spanned nearly two years, is already making more sense. O NOES MY BABBY IS DEAD oh wait no here she is lol oops. Seriously, do they just buy babies from the baby store or something? Or just the cheap Chinese knockoffs? (you may fire when ready

Please, I emplore you. Read the snippet above again and let it sink in. Being driven out of any capability to possess common sense is the only way you'll make it though this fic alive.

Done? Good. Press on, and abandon all hope.

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But when Amy’s baby is 4 Matt tells Michelle she isn’t her baby and Michelle acts like its ok around Matt but once he’s gone she starts abusing the child. It’s been 12 years since Michelle first starts abusing the poor child and the child still thinks she is her mother.

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

(I know that's so 2001 but c'mon, it never gets old)

So, after skipping past some truly inane babbling about all the talent appearing in the fic, we come to the story proper, as seen though Matt's POV

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It’s almost Ashlee’s first day of her junior year in high school… I better go wake her and her friend up. I thought as I went up to my daughter’s room. “Ashlee! Time for you and your friend to get up!” I yelled pounding on her door. “Yeah, Yeah…” I heard her reply. “Give us at least 30 minutes and we’ll be down there!” I heard her friend say.

“Okay, but at most an hour!”

Wow, Matt sure runs a tight ship.

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Just a couple years ago my daughter decided to turn Goth and emo I guess because she wears all this dark make-up and dyed her brown hair black with red streaks. And every once and a while I’d see lots of cuts on her arms but I don’t ask what happened I just leave it be

"pppppft, she's just going though a projection phase or something. Those cuts? Yeah whatever, I'll just pretend I didn't see them or something." Wasn't Michelle supposed to be the abusive one?

Y'know, after being gone from the wrestling section (and wrestling in general) for so long, it beings a smile to my face to see that the QAULITY of wrestling fics has remained about the same. A smile not unlike that underneath the hood of an executioner sharpening his axe.

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My wife greeted me with a kiss. “Hey.” I replied. Then we started talking about how was the gym and all that.

End of Matt’s P.O.V.

Truly riveting storytelling, for sure.

So now we go to Amy's POV at home with Adam. This of course would be Lita and Edge respectively, because our author is a SMART MARK

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I smiled and kissed him softly then went up to our room to find a bra on the bedpost that wasn’t mine so I got pissed and stomped downstairs holding it and yelled “Adam, get up, you cheating bastard!”

So wait, instead of Lita cheating on Matt, it's Edge cheating on Lita, who cheated on Matt. Is Vince Russo writing this?

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“Why?...” I asked him. “Why what?” he asked.

"WHY DID YOU LEAVE THE OVEN ON!?"

The second chapter is a nice big block paragraph. As if this shit wasn't hard to wade through already.

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When Amy was driving to Trish’s house she decided to stop by Matt’s house. Even though they were ex boyfriend and girlfriend they were still friends

Imagine this playing out in real life. "Karma's a bitch, huh bitch?"

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When Amy got to Matt’s house she knocked on the door. *Knock knock*

Wow. I know the WWE is kid-friendly and all now, but seriously? Do we really need to knock it down to Sesame Street level here?

Then, even with the formatting options FFN gives us, I still find my eyes crossing as I try to cut a swathe though the block paragraph of doom. Rest assuredly, some more nonsensical dumb shit happens, and we move on the the next ACTION PACKED chapter.

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“We’re sorry to say but Amy Dumas, your daughter, her friend, your brother and his girlfriend were severely hurt in a car crash…” The other cop said to him sadly.

DRAMA!

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“This is my fault!” Ashlee said; bawling.

“Oh sweetie… it isn’t…” Amy said trying to comfort her.

“Yes it is! If I hadn’t came out of my room we would’ve never been in this mess! It’s my fault!” Ashlee said; still bawling but now coughing badly.

“Ashlee! Calm down! You don’t want to get worse!” Matt said trying to clam her down.

The doctors come in. “Ms. Hardy you have to calm down!” The female doctor said.

“Fuck off!” Ashlee replied.

Matt slowly left the room, and turned to one of the doctors on duty. "What's wrong with her?" he asked

"Mr. Hardy, your daughter appears to have chronic Marysueitis."

"My God, is there a cure?"

"None. The only real treatment is body restraints and lifetime incarceration. Never again must she be let out in public."

ASYLUMVISION!! christ it's been too long....

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“Ashlee, I don’t know if you know this but you’re pregnant.” The doctor said.

Ashlee gasped. “But, how, I didn’t do…” Remembers 3 months ago.

*Flashback*

Vince Russo, what are you doing writing fanfiction? You do a bad enough job writing for TNA don't you?

So flashback to whenever, Austin (as in, Stone Cold Steve Austin) cheats on Ashlee (didn't I warn you about common sense? YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME DID YOU?) and Cody Rhodes gets the rebound fuck.

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Ashlee sighs. “I’m pregnant….” Ashlee said looking at her stomach.

“Y-You’re pregnant?” John, Ted, and Randy asked surprised as they all look at Cody.

“It can’t be mine… wait a sec… oh God… Ashlee please tell me that it isn’t from that one night…” Cody said sighing.

“How did this happen guys?” Randy asked Ashlee and Cody.

“Tons of clothes on the floor, a bed, and all that.” Ashlee said.

“No! Really?” Randy said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

“Stop being mean to her, dude! She’s my friend and she’s pregnant! I’ll hurt you if I have to just to protect her!” John said glaring at Randy who shut up instantly.

“And dudes I’ll do anything for her. She’s my girlfriend and she is going to have my baby.” Cody said looking at Randy. “And I mean anything.”

Of course, loudly announcing who the father is in front of everyone isn't something I'd imagine someone doing. But then again, I'm already a miserable old bastard, so what do I know?

That's where it ends, and hopefully it will stay that way.

I would nevewr have guessed that was a wrestling 'fic if you hadn't said so.

You know...I have absolutely no idea what just happened. But I don't want it to happen again, so I'm going to go hide under the bed. Don't let the crazy people get me, Asylum. Please? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

HI ASYLUM HERE WITH NEW CONTENT

READ NOW AND YOU GET NOT ONE BUT TWO SHITTY CHAPTERS EXTRA!!

Chapter five is more inane drivel.

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Yep…” Amy said sighing. “I hope she can learn how to raise a child at 16…”

Matt sighed. “Yeah but you have to admit she has some tough blood in her. Both her parents worked for the WWE and I still do…”

This is a wrestling fic? Coulda' fooled me.

But this snippet at the end is comedy gold:

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“Look here, you little bastard. I heard that conversation and I don’t want you anywhere near my daughter anymore!” Matt said to him madly.

“You can’t do that! She is having my child and is my girlfriend! I have the right to see her!” Cody said back getting angry.

“I’m her father and if you don’t break-up with her I’ll have you arrested!” Matt said pissed off

OMG HEEL TURN

Oddly enough, this chapter was called "Questions and Answers." Even though there were never any answers given. Or questions, for anything. My question is what's the whole goddamn point of anything I've read this far?

Well let's see if chapter 6 will be any less painful

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This chapter is a song-fic chapter.

Nope.

More stupid shit happens, that is until 2/3 of the way though this chapter. Then it becomes more stupid shit with actual wrestling in it.

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The Raw Team entered the arena and after them so did Team Smackdown. Ashlee came out with her father in Team Smackdown and sat at ringside.

Ashlee was biting her nails sometimes because she didn’t know which team she wanted to win.

She knew if Team Smackdown won, she would have to hear Cody fuss about it, and she knew if Team Raw won she would have to hear her father fuss about it. When she saw that Kofi tagged in Cody to be against her dad she thought all hell would break loose.

... or at least something that could be loosely described as "wrestling-like"

So now that we have Heel!Matt and Face!Cody squaring off, we're gonna see some actual action, right?

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But surprisingly they talked a bit and then jumped over the ropes and both got counted out which made a draw.

I sincerely hope you didn't get your hopes up.

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Ashlee hopped into the ring before the brands could attack Cody and Matt.

“There’s no winner in this get over it! ECW deserves it!” Ashlee yelled at them.

Matt smiled and nodded to Cody and grabbed a mic. “That’s funny… you just said there was no winner.” Matt said smiling again.

What the hell? That wasn't funny at all. And suddenly Matt and Cody are buddy-buddy? I am now thoroughly convinced that this is actually Vince Russo writing this fic. I mean, now it's got a reverse Nitro Swerve, and the "quality" so far certainly doesn't escape his realm.

So anyway, Cody pops the question LIVE ON PAY PER VIEW, COLE!!!

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After that Cody, Ashlee, Trish, Jeff, Amy, Matt and tons of other people hung out after the show.

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Just so you know, additional chapters snarked count as additional entries towards your 20 snark quota.

Nihilist wrote:

Just so you know, additional chapters snarked count as additional entries towards your 20 snark quota.

oh cool :D

Nihilist wrote:

Just so you know, additional chapters snarked count as additional entries towards your 20 snark quota.

Wut.

Getting into the snarking groove again. So here's more. Even if my 20-snark bid was a spectacular failure.

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--It’s been 2 weeks since Cody asked Ashlee to marry him and Cody is
in his house at 8:00pm waiting for Ashlee to come over while smiling—“Oh my god! Ashlee get here already I know you know the genders and I want to know also!” Cody said to himself.*knock knock* “Finally!” Cody said as he opened the door and saw his ex-girlfriend Megan.

HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!!

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“Too
late!” Megan said grabbing Cody’s shirt and kissing him then making it
looked like he kissed her when Ashlee was in his front yard.“Cody!” Ashlee exclaimed almost crying. “How could you?” and with that Ashlee ran away crying.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.

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“ASHLEE!” He yelled after her before death glaring Megan then slamming the door in her face and crying on the couch.

Okay. Sit down. Odds are you already were, but get ready to concentrate. I want you to imagine a man. This man is a 6'2", roughly 230 lb guy, who makes a living taking body slams night after night after night after night.
Now imagine him crying over a girl on a couch.
Done? Alright, it's time to continue. Take some shots of White Russian first. I find that it helps dull the pain.

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*next morning at school*Ashlee walks through the halls looking horribly red in the face from crying.John walks over to her locker. “Whoa! What happened to you?” John asked lifting Ashlee’s chin to look her in the eyes.

Yes. At school. Ashlee, of course, being like 16 omg. Oh look, John Cena is at school too. So either Cena fell into a time warp and is Ashton Kutcher in 18 Again, or he's re-taking high school for the 7th time.
Come to think of it, isn't this supposed to be the Untold Matt and Lita Story?
The hell with the shots. Down the whole goddamn bottle.
So then Cena, Cody, and DiBiase (Jr, of course. It'd be even more fucked up if it were Ted Sr.), all get into a fight. Fuck if I know, fuck if I care.

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When Ashlee got to the fight she smacked John’s, Rey’s, Randy’s, Dave’s, and Ted’s head really hard which made them stop

M-M-MONSTER COMBO!!

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Ashlee looks at them, “you think that act of yours can get you outta trouble, Mini Minions?”“Mini Minions?” Cody asked grinning a bit.“You’re one too!” Ashlee exclaimed.“How are we three minions?!?!” Randy asked angrily.“These two are you’re minions,” Ashlee said pointing to Cody and Ted.“And how am I a mini minion then little girl?” Randy asked smirking.“Because all three of you are minions of that bastard Adam!” Ashlee said before she turned to John.

oh god my brain is melting. I'm not kidding, I seriously feel like the void in my head this drivel has created has reached singularity.
Chapter 8 is drivel in the purest meaning of the world. I'm not going to cover it. I've suffered enough for one night.