Teddy Babes. Yeah, it's what you're thinking.

Got $700 in need of spending and crippling emotional baggage in need of a tangible physical form? Need to relate to the world through safe fuzzy cartoon shapes? Teddy Babes may be for you!

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Plush Girlfriends For Boys Too BIG For Teddy Bears

Ah yes, that delicate time when a man is too big for a teddy bear but not big enough for actual human contact. I believe that in Freudian development this stage is referred to as "What the fuck is wrong with you."

As you may have guessed, Teddy Babes are plush sex dolls. The site maintains that they can be used strictly as cuddle companions (they have bendable wire skeletons and pivoting shoulder joints for hugging) or objet d'art, but there's no getting around the fact that they come with a plush vagina.

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Held in place by an interior soft plastic ring, the plush vaginal insert can be removed and turned inside-out for easy clean-up with soap and warm water. After drying, it can then be re-inserted and used again.

I'm betting there's no easy clean-up involved in the insert, the doll, or the entire scenario. I'm betting the insert, the doll, and the entire scenario all bunch and crackle with dried-on shame.

The insert can be replaced with a regular masturbation sleeve, though. And if you get tired of the fuzzy nipples being covered in lint and cat hair, you can replace them with latex ones.

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Please note: Adding latex nipples requires that you permanently alter your Teddy Babe by cutting off her standard plush nipples and gluing the latex nipples in their place. Eighth Wonder, LLC is not responsible for any damage caused to your Teddy Babe via this “operation.” Latex nipples come complete with a small bottle of brush-on Krazy Glue.

Obvious joke about Krazy in Krazy Glue etc. If these nipples weren't twenty bucks a pair, I'd be adding them to hats and belts like a Silence of the Lambs Bedazzler.

Besides the physical logistics of these dolls, there are of course the emotional logistics to consider. The FAQ describes teddy babes as similar to teddy bears while leaving out the "infinitely more creepy and inappropriate" bit, and is careful to reassure buyers that their dolls cannot be mistaken in the dark of night for the terrifying spectre of a real woman, or for the terrifying spectre of a faithful representation of a real woman:

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Q: Can I sleep with my Teddy Babe?

Sure. Just as you would sleep with a teddy bear as a kid. They're warm and soft, and perfect for cuddling.
Q: How do Teddy Babes compare to high-end silicone love dolls?

They're different. It's like trying to compare apples and oranges. The high-end silicone love dolls are extraordinary works of realistic sculpture meant to faithfully represent an actual woman. Teddy Babes are less realistic, while at the same time conveying a sexy and very attractive character image. No one ever confused his childhood teddy bear with a real bear, right? Yet, you loved your teddy bear all the same. Teddy Babes are kind of like that.

Also reassuring is the section on the "acceptability factor":

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In addition to being easy to conceal, some owners typically leave their Teddy Babes love doll out in the open for all to see, sitting them in a chair or out on their bed, etc. Because it’s a plush character, as well as a work of art unto itself, Teddy Babes are not typically perceived as sex dolls or adult sex toys, but as cute and sexy novelties; and women especially seem to find them attractive.

Sorry, guys, but if I walk into your apartment and see this--


--it is a u-turn straight back out the door. It's like Norman Bates meets Mister Rogers and no post-dinner coffee is worth that even if it is Gevalia Kaffe.


So what kind of beauties does this site offer? A variety of sexy cliches from "Sexy Blond Party Girl" to "Brunette Girl Next Door". If you prefer to stereotype your women by skin color, no problem:

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Exotic Asian Temptress: Akiko is sleek, silky and exotic; the ultimate Asian fantasy --shy and demure, but highly skilled in the arts of pleasure


Spicy Latina Seductress: Bianca is a hot and fiery Latina, full of passion and a tigress in bed. Muy caliente!


Forbidden Nubian Beauty: Dark, exotic, and spectacular, Diana is the ultimate ebony fantasy.

My personal favorite is Sonya, Mistress of the Night. Her crooked glued-on eyes are amber, her crooked glued-on mouth has fangs, her crooked glued-on pubes are in the shape of the bat symbol, and her nipples and lavender are labia. Her lavender. Is. Labia.


If this post hasn't convinced you to make the investment, maybe a quote or two from the letters section will...

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“You people weren’t kidding …Instead of being turned-off, my girlfriend thinks [my Teddy Babe] is really cool. She plays with her when she comes over and braids her hair and puts it in ponytails. …She [even] makes suggestions about new outfits for her to wear! …I’m getting a little concerned. I think they ‘talk about me’ behind my back!”


“I get a lot of pleasure and relaxation from just brushing my Tina’s hair while we watch television at night. I know it sounds weird, but she’s made a big difference in my life. …Thank you for coming up with her.”

Or maybe a quote or two from the letters section will have you passing the hat for group therapy.

Seiran wrote:

My personal favorite is Sonya, Mistress of the Night. Her crooked glued-on eyes are amber, her crooked glued-on mouth has fangs, her crooked glued-on pubes are in the shape of the bat symbol, and her nipples and lavender are labia. Her lavender. Is. Labia.

Hahaha - I suppose this is the ultimate proof; Celebrian will not only take away your ice-cream cravings, it will fuck up your grammar as well.

My favourite thing is the little "Once you go PLUSH you never go back!" tag that's plastered all over the site. Because yeah, you won't - you're a crazy little creep who fucks woman-shaped teddy bears!

The only good thing about it is that at least the users of these dolls aren't spreading their genes around. Or attempting to get it on with real women.

[quote="frostflowers"]

Seiran wrote:

Her lavender. Is. Labia.
Hahaha - I suppose this is the ultimate proof; Celebrian will not only take away your ice-cream cravings, it will fuck up your grammar as well.

Oh, I am so going to stand by this transposition. I am going to stand by this transposition until the end of time.

And there's also furry ones.

D:

Okay, the original ones were already in the middle of the uncanny valley but those are even worse. I didn't even know that was possible until I saw them.

I think I'm going to cry.

You know, I'm pretty sure I posted this on HOBOFA. I definately remember the vampire with the lavender labia-it's not like you can forget that sort've thing.

Has anyone ever wondered why you don't see this kind've stuff being advertised for women? Is it just that we're better able to make do with what we have? Or does it exist and I've never seen it? (I'm not talking about weird-shaped dildos, I'm talking about actual sex dolls).

Okay, there's something wrong with me. The first thing I thought when I saw the title of this thread was that they had feminine teddy bears, not plush sex dolls. I feel like I've betrayed my internet-raised heritage. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Rabid Badger wrote:

You know, I'm pretty sure I posted this on HOBOFA. I definately remember the vampire with the lavender labia-it's not like you can forget that sort've thing.

I thought it was on GAFF.

theweirdkind wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

You know, I'm pretty sure I posted this on HOBOFA. I definately remember the vampire with the lavender labia-it's not like you can forget that sort've thing.

I thought it was on GAFF. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

May well've been. I've definitely seen this before, and having seen it, I can't imagine I wouldn't have posted it on whatever version of the board was running at the time.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Has anyone ever wondered why you don't see this kind've stuff being advertised for women? Is it just that we're better able to make do with what we have? Or does it exist and I've never seen it? (I'm not talking about weird-shaped dildos, I'm talking about actual sex dolls).

They do exist, but their numbers are really small compared to the female ones. Probably because a large part of the sexdoll demographic is male. This blog has a male sexdoll, the entry is NWS by the way.

I've seen the human ones before... but the furry ones are really beyond scary. They're Eldritch Abominations.

AND THEY ARE 700 DOLLARS!

unskilled78 wrote:

AND THEY ARE 700 DOLLARS!

RealDolls cost well over $2000.

unskilled78 wrote:

AND THEY ARE 700 DOLLARS!

Have you seen how much money people spend on dolfies and ABJD though? =_=

Raine wrote:

unskilled78 wrote:

AND THEY ARE 700 DOLLARS!

Have you seen how much money people spend on dolfies and ABJD though? =_=

Yes, but many, many BJDers (those who aren't just posing their dolls and making awful photostories, that is) are really into arts and crafts and spend a lot of time sculpting their own doll-heads or even entire dolls, and making clothes and wigs and really being kind of creative with them. Quite a few of them are really impressive artists (sculpting doll heads is not easy, especially when they're supposed to be that small), so spending that much money on them does not seem all that crazy to me.

... As long as we're talking about the cheaper Dolfies and BJDs (700-1000$), of course. The ones that cost 3500-4000 dollars are crazy and I can't understand how there's a market for them.


That said, spending 700$ - or more - on sex dolls? o.O The mind, she boggles.

.... Reading their letters from customers makes me confused. I don't know whether I should laugh or pity them.

frostflowers wrote:

... As long as we're talking about the cheaper Dolfies and BJDs (700-1000$), of course. The ones that cost 3500-4000 dollars are crazy and I can't understand how there's a market for them.

Limited BJDs don't cost that much, they rarely go over $1200, even with all the stuff they come with. The dolls that cost 3k or so are those super limited dolls that people go into bidding wars over at Ebay. Some people go crazy over their must-have doll, not that I'd shell that much for a second hand one.

Yes, I own a few BJDs myself. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

frostflowers wrote:

Yes, but many, many BJDers (those who aren't just posing their dolls and making awful photostories, that is) are really into arts and crafts and spend a lot of time sculpting their own doll-heads or even entire dolls, and making clothes and wigs and really being kind of creative with them. Quite a few of them are really impressive artists (sculpting doll heads is not easy, especially when they're supposed to be that small), so spending that much money on them does not seem all that crazy to me.

... As long as we're talking about the cheaper Dolfies and BJDs (700-1000$), of course. The ones that cost 3500-4000 dollars are crazy and I can't understand how there's a market for them.

I have quite a few collectors for friends myself. They're both fantastic photographers and one of them runs a stockist site (or something... I really don't know that much). All I really know is that some of the collectors can get a bit crazy - the ones that take photos tend to want to buy more and more dolls.

Of course, that's on one end of the scale. I remember a few years back coming across a lady who intentionally bought expensive, limited edition BJDs just do she could sandpaper the faces off and give them the most terrible face-ups I've ever seen in my life.

And just for the sake of my own personal lulz:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I think I've seen these before--it was the removable, washable vagina that seems to be ringing a bell.

Of course, that could just be a flashback to the weekend.

Yes, this was definitely posted before on either GAFF or HoBF, although I'm leaning toward the latter. I know because as soon as I saw the title of the thread, I sporfled in recognition. Like, "PFFFT OH MY GOD THIS AGAIN"

jsyk, Seiran, I read your entire post to everyone in my dorm room at the time, and they were cracking up at the Silence of the Lambs Bedazzler part. Kudos.

Oh, COME ON! They could at least ADMIT they're sex toys. You don't dress something that way and slap on a vagina and then claim they're primarily meant for cuddling in bed!

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

unskilled78 wrote:

AND THEY ARE 700 DOLLARS!

RealDolls cost well over $2000.

This is brilliant. Buying a teddy doll means that not only are you a pervert, you're a broke-ass pervert.

Oh God, they look like the Rule 34 version of Bratz dolls.

dariamorgendorffer wrote:

Oh God, they look like the Rule 34 version of Bratz dolls.

Yeah. If those boobs weren't made of plush, they'd take your eye out when you turn over in your sleep.

Yattara wrote:

dariamorgendorffer wrote:

Oh God, they look like the Rule 34 version of Bratz dolls.

Yeah. If those boobs weren't made of plush, they'd take your eye out when you turn over in your sleep.

Ensuring you end up the on the front page of the local newspaper when you call the EMT's to help staunch the bleeding, and that you will thereafter be locally known as 'that crazy fucker who sleeps with plush fuck dolls' for the rest of your life. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

One can only hope those dolls contain some sort of sterilizing device.