Got Guitar Fetish? Metallica RPF.

Have you ever wanted to attempt having sex with your guitar? Well now you can! Metallica endorses this act. Nevermind that you just sunk $800 on this thing- it's better than anything in the fucking world.

So today, for your viewing pleasure, I present to you.....Cum Gibson.

Magna Cum Gibson.

I'm not a fan of RPF at all but I know that in order to find some of the weirdest, obsessive shit, I must dive into the depths of the craziest fansites. This fic has James Hetfield and Kirk Hammett going at it. With a guitar. At first I thought it was James T. Kirk from Star Trek talking to himself and making love to a guitar. That'd be funny, actually.

 

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It almost gave him flashbacks of Load, especially since that ass hadn’t changed in a decade.

"Your ass reminds me of that giant load I just made in the port-a-john outside. Your ass still makes those same movements when it shits, my friend."

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It was still as delectable as it was back then, and still had the same effect as his jeans seemed to have tightened a bit.

Backstory: Metallica has released many albums. Load was pretty bad, as was Reload. I fail to see how "Until It Sleeps" makes anyone horny, because if you listen to the lyrics and research the backstory, the song is about cancer. One of James' family members died of cancer around the time Load was made. Cancer isn't sexy.

But I liked Load, haha.

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“Shit…” He groaned as his hand unconsciously unbuttoned his pants and yanked the zipper down after having noticed that right arm move in a familiar fashion.

My arm, it has a mind of its own!

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More was to come and it appeared it would be coming soon as Kirk flipped over on the bed, revealing his leaking organ and pleasure-driven emotion. “God….do it…” James cheered, his own hand moving down to his crotch to wrap about his own throbbing member. “Grab it again, Quirk…”

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He licked his drying lips as he shook his head, throwing his hair back off his shoulders again as he left hand reached out, fingers scraping the sheet until they hit wood, smooth and glossy blue-painted wood.

“My Gibson….”

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His fingers wrapped about the neck, pulling the guitar onto the bed and over to himself, gasping as the chill of the instrument met his skin as it was pulled to his naked side. His rough fingertips played down the back of the neck, giving it light touches as his other hand finally lifted the guitar to place flush against his body, headstock near his face as the body rested over his cock, trapping it underneath its weight. “So good….” He moaned, closing his eyes as his lips pressed against the back of the headstock, little butterfly kisses just for the guitar.

HURR METALLICA MAKES OUT WITH THEIR GUITARS HURR. AND EACH OTHER. 
OUR GUITARS ARE METAPHORS FOR OUR DICKS MAN.

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“Not fair… Quirk…” The hand had stilled, gripping the base, not wanting to lose the feeling before the show was over. His lover was only kissing his guitar as it rested atop him, like James should be doing at that moment. This teasing was almost over, because James wanted it to be over. It was too much after too long. “Ah…no…” His hand gripped tighter as he watched that tongue slide from the headstock down almost to the body and then back up again. That guitar couldn’t feel the affects that tongue had.

I lick it every evening to keep it in tune. But if he's trying to move the knobs I fail to see how it'd be quick and fast. And if it's cold, the tongue might stick to it.

 

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Kirk shivered as his tongue ran over the sleek object, up and down the neck, teasing James, teasing himself with his antics. Everyone now and then, he couldn’t help but take one of the knobs upon the headstock into his mouth, sucking them as if they were nipples.

:roflmao: 

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“God…He’s practically humping my guitar…” It was true; there was Kirk upon the screen, back to the bed, hips gyrating now with the back and forth movements of the guitar over his crotch, consistently rubbing as long as his arm didn’t wear from the force.

 

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“Ah…” Kirk gasped uncontrollably as he pushed the guitar back and forth over his crotch, stimulating his leaking organ further, knowing that’d added his own touch to the paint job, and would most likely be adding more. His knuckles had turned white on his left hand, gripping the neck. His right hand was still planted upon the body of the guitar, caressing its surface as he was caressing James’ skin. Suddenly, a breathily cry escaped the guitarist as he reached plateau, about to fall over the edge.

But try as he might, he didn't have the guitar-humping talent of Eddie Van Halen.
 

So let's have Eddie show them how it's done:

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“Shit… shit…” His hand couldn’t stop, or slow down, his entire being enthralled by the sight of his Gibson, moving over his lover’s dick continuously, picking up speed every second, bringing them both closer to orgasm. It had been ages since he had seen such a sight.

Darkness, imprisoning me! All that I see! Absolute horror! I cannot live! I cannot die! Trapped in myself! Dry-humping a guitar AAAAAAAAH

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Sweat was trickling down the singer’s neck as his hand reached maximum pace, just as Kirk let out a light cry, followed by a long, satisfied groan. “Uh…” James squeaked, eyes unfocused from the screen as his load was finally shot into his hand, along with the television Kirk, who just laid there upon the bed, breathing, eyes closed, guitar movements ceased.

James then reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter. He lit it and swayed it in the air, back and forth.

"All this guitar playing, man, it's like fucking our musical instruments. It's like we're thrusting our dicks onto the back of them and we solo and it makes it vibrate and makes me fucking hard."

"Have you ever seen Dragonforce perform Through the Fire and Flames?"

"No, dude, that's too much like a gay porno. That's pretentious shit. We're real metal, dude. We don't need massively fast arbitrarily placed notes to get our dicks hard. Or groupies or whatever. I just fuck my guitar."

 

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Moments later, James was still there upon the couch, shirt on the floor, fly undone, and dick limp but happy in the afterglow.

His dick turned into a lighter and waved back and forth to the perfect closing song:

"Magna cum Gibson" makes no sense. It'd translate to something like "with great Gibson". Wat. It's obviously there for the bad pun and so the author can be all ~*~special~*~ by speaking Latin. Bah. SPESHUL LATIN FOR YOUR METALLICA PORN.

NOOOOOO! Not Metallica!

Damn you, RPS fanfic! Damn you all to hell!

Though truth to tell the idea of Kirk humping his guitar is amusing. But it's not erotic, which I think is what the author was aiming for. Nobody looks erotic dry-humping their guitar, okay?

Oh god. Metallica RPF. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] If I wasn't already so desensitised to the horrors of the internet, my inner Metallica-fan would weep. As it is, I can't hold back the giggles.

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“Christ Kirk!” James exclaimed as the frontman did his damnedest to get some attention to the door.

In a completely unexpected move, this pr0n-fic starts with Kirk having turned into Jesus (!) and.... a door. At the same time. A Jesus-door.

A quick googling brings me this picture:

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... I'm not really seeing the resemblance. o.O

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“Quirk!”

.... That is the silliest nickname in the history of ever. It isn't even kind of clever; it's just silly. Nicknames - you're doing it wrong!

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“I love you, Het…”

No. No you don't. If you did, you wouldn't be in a slashfic. /bad joke.


Oh my me. This wasn't bad so much as plain silly - and about as erotic as a linoleum floor.

That poor instrument. I mourn its passing.