So... the Lou Reed/Metallica Collaboration is out now...

... and if you actually expected it to be good, I want to know how you've gotten this far in life and remained this optimistic. If you had also heard that this was going to be a concept album based on plays by German playwright Frank Wedekind and you still thought this might just be good, I think it's high time you went cold turkey on whatever medication you're being prescribed right now.

The formulation of Lulu began sometime in 2009 when Metallica and Lou Reed performed together for the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame's 25th anniversary. It's fitting that this collaborations origins began at a place whose only contribution to music is giving rapidly aging artists a country club to gather around and pat themselves on the back, because this is probably one of the most self-congratulatory albums I've ever heard. There's really no reason this album should exist, except that Lou Reed and Metallica seem to want to prove to the world how "edgy" and "avant-garde" they are. Still don't believe me when I say this album is a vanity project? Just look at the smug dismissal they both have for the guys who criticize the album...

Lou Reed wrote:

I don't have any fans left. After Metal Machine Music (1975), they all fled. Who cares? I'm essentially in this for the fun of it

Lars Ulrich wrote:

In 1984, when hard-core Metallica fans heard acoustic guitars on 'Fade to Black', there was a nuclear meltdown in the heavy-metal community

See? Anyone who doesn't like the album just doesn't get it. These lowly peons are just too thick-headed to understand our awesomeness. It's not because our album is a moldy pile of pretentious horse-poo twaddle, it's because it's just too ahead of the curve for people to understand.

I have to say, I'm not surprised. Ever since Cliff Burton died, Metallica has made no secret of the fact that they hate their fans. Especially all those nasty, pimple-faced, metalhead teenagers passing around obscure thrash bootlegs that were part of how Metallica rose to fame in the first place.

And Lou Reed has always existed on a linear scale of pretentious douchery. The guy hung out with Andy Warhol for chrissakes. Though I do love Lou Reeds early work, there's a reason most of his fans abandoned ship around Metal Machine Music.

So what does the album sound like? Well, Rolling Stone, in their undying effort to make their policy of "hype first, listen to promotional tracks later" clear to the world, wrote...

David Fricke wrote:

raging union of [Reed's] 1973 noir classic, Berlin, and Metallica's '86 crusher, Master of Puppets.

So of course it sounds nothing like that. What does it sound like? Well, if you always wanted to hear Lou Reed mumble about Boris Karloff and "cutting his legs and tits off" over the sound of an aging metal band running out of ideas, then you'll be all over this album.

Just listen to it for yourself. Do I really have to describe why it's bad? Well, I will anyway. The instrumentals, despite several fleeting glimpses of brilliance in "Pumping Blood" and other middle tracks, are Metallica peddling some of their least imaginative shit in years. Some tracks are little more than just the same riff repeated over and over and over again. Lou Reeds voice doesn't match the churning, hard rock sound at all at some parts, and the result is akin to a teenage metal band where the lead singer is in the band because he's the bassists best friend since elementary school. As for the lyrics, what the fuck do most of them even have to do with Frank Wedekind, anyway? It's all mostly pretentious, non-sensical prattle more worthy of a college literary mag (or Jim Morrison) than one of rocks greatest lyricists. Sloppy, needless, bloated, stupid, uninteresting, and silly, just a few of the negative words I can use to describe this record.

TL;DR?: Metallica and Lou Reed haven't done anything good for decades and this is no exception. This will surely be a strong contender for "Shit Album of the Year".

And for those who would prefer a visual aid, this was MY reaction to Lulu...

Ah, that's not fair. Death Magnetic wasn't bad. I actually liked it. However, I still maintain in my worldview that Metallica died in a tragic accident sometime in 1992 after the black album, only to have secret recorded tapes later found and released as Death Magnetic.

Lars has always been a tool, even though his name translates into what might be the most metal name ever: Crowned Wolf-Ruler.

When I heard about this collaboration, I winced.

...That is seriously so bad that i found myself wondering if it wasn't a joke. I mean, really.

I feel sorry for the cat, even if the song is super-imposed into the video. I hear a name like Lou Reed and I think Blues or Jazz for some reason. I don't know why.

Maximilia wrote:

Ah, that's not fair.

I think it is. Every album they've released since the Black Album have practically had a sticker on the front saying, "THIS ALBUM IS JUST TOO DIFFERENT AND AWESOME FOR ALL YOU STUPID METALHEADS TO APPRECIATE! YOU'RE ALL JUST TOO STUPID! ESPECIALLY YOU!!!!!!!!"

Quote :

I hear a name like Lou Reed and I think Blues or Jazz for some reason. I don't know why.

It does sound like a blues/jazz singers name, actually, but Lou Reed isn't blues or jazz. He's kind of an alternative pop/proto-punk. His best work was when he was one of the main songwriters/singers for The Velvet Underground, one of the greatest cult bands of all time.



The above is one of the Velvet Underground's better known songs.

His solo work is pretty good too, though, as long as you're pretty picky about what you listen to after Metal Machine Music.

Take A Walk on the Wild Side

Lulu is not a good portrayal of his talents. He's a much better lyricist then he lets show on that abortion.

In other news...

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If this becomes a meme...

Metableca and their classics.

Table 'em All
Ride the Table
Master of Table
Fade to Table
One Table
Enter Table

I'm struggling to put into words how terrible an effort this is.

Vocals are terrible. Lou Reed manages to talk out of tune. And the riffs sound like B-sides of other B-sides. Of B-sides...

I've heard the "You don't get it" angle from a few diehard fanboys (hereafter known as the Tool defence) and "This isn't really a Metallica album, so don't worry" angle too. But if Metallica and everyone around them are so far up their own arses that this collaboration (if you can even call it that, it's actually Metallica being a backing band for a Lou Reed masturbation session) got past the 2nd day in the studio before the penny dropped that it was a shit sandwich, it makes you wonder about their ability to self-analyse reliably. Which does have implications for their future records. Maybe they'll surprise us by releasing an excellent new studio album next year, but I won't hold my breath.

If not they should really just come out and say "Look, we don't really have it anymore. We'll tour intermittently, but otherwise Metallica are done." They're still solid enough live.

EDIT: I would disagree that Metallica hates their metalhead fans, however. Maybe Lars Ulrich does (yeah, it's fashionable to bash Lars, sue me) and Kirk does look like a guy who perennially doesn't care about anything, but I'm hard pressed to think James Hetfield hates metalheads considering his praise of Machine Head, even going as far to join them on stage when they toured together in 2009. I think they're just up their own arses.

I thought everyone agreed that talking about magnets in a song anymore is just going to sound silly. Fucking lyrics, how do they work?

Mr.Doobie wrote:

Quote :

I hear a name like Lou Reed and I think Blues or Jazz for some reason. I don't know why.

It does sound like a blues/jazz singers name, actually, but Lou Reed isn't blues or jazz. He's kind of an alternative pop/proto-punk. His best work was when he was one of the main songwriters/singers for The Velvet Underground, one of the greatest cult bands of all time.

Confusing him with Lou Rawls maybe? I know I had to do a double take, because my first thought was "But isn't Lou Rawls dead?"

I honestly entertain the idea that the entire Metallica line-up died in that bus crash in 1986 and they just hired replacement members only they couldn't replace Cliff due to not being able to find another pair of bellbottom pants that were wide enough.

Thank you for that Table meme. I read all that and forgot the meaning of the word Table.

Ugh.