Quamp & The Fine Art Of Tribbing

And now, another selection from WGW’s favorite weeaboo - “The More The Merrier“. It's a fic about K-ON!, an anime which I know nothing about, but knowing quamp, it likely involves panty shots and excessive use of the "~" key. However, I believe that sporkings work best when one can construct some vague mental picture of what is actually going on, so I assembled this handy character chart:
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There. I did a dramatic reading of this one a while back, but I feel it’s deserving of the full-fledged snark treatment. And without further ado: QUAMPFIC QUAMPFIC WHO’S GOT THE QUAMPFIC

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Well, today we're going to -" Ritsu started. She stopped when she tripped over a power cord and stumbled into Mio. Mio fell backwards, taking Ritsu with her. Once on the ground, Mio and Ritsu stared into each other's eyes for a bit.

"Are you okay, Mio-chan?" Ritsu asked. Mio stared deep into Ritsu's eyes.

"Yea..." Mio replied. They stared at each other some more.

"Ooh! You two are in love with each other!" Tsumugi thought aloud. Little did Tsumugi realize that she was blurting out what she was thinking. Ritsu and Mio looked at Tsumugi as if she had lost her mind. Mio sweatdropped.

ESTIMATED TIME UNTIL TRIBBING: SEVEN MINUTES
Anyway, two of these people confess they’re dating, a mass wink-wink-nudge-nudge lesbian schoolgirl hint-fest breaks out, and Tuxedo Mark punches up the script some more, smiling all the way. BUT THEN…

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"Oh, don't be such a stick-in-the-mud, Mio-chan! A third person for a day couldn't hurt." Ritsu said. She then put an arm around Mio and Tsumugi. "I've always wondered what a three-way kiss was like." Tsumugi returned her am and then put the other around Mio. Mio hesitated, but then embraced them. Then Ritsu went in for the three-way kiss.

Tongues played with each other as lips locked in intense passion. None of them had felt anything like this before. Mio let out a soft moan as they came up for air.

"That was really intense." Mio said.

"We have a lot of time for more." Ritsu said. She went in for another three-way kiss. The three of them kissed and held each other very close for a bit. Then they parted, smiling.

…Tuxedo Mark leaves to pick up the laundry, and Garth Marenghi takes over the library computer for the love scene. And it’s gotta be said - there is a reason kisses are usually limited to between two people. Any more and it just turns from something intimate into Boschian nightmare of flailing lips and teeth.

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"I got just the thing. I've been dying to try it out." Tsumugi said.

"What is it?" Ritsu asked. Tsumugi reached into her purse and pulled out a three-pronged dildo.

Ritsu: D=
Tsumugi: YEAH! I BROUGHT IT FOR BIOLOGY TODAY
Ritsu: D=
Tsumugi: WE’RE MAKIN’ CELL CULTURES
Ritsu: D=

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"Let's just try it. I'm sure it's better than the crappy vibrator we have." Mio said. "It doesn't work half the time."

“The industrial powers think nothing of our pleasure! The capitalists are content to sit by and line their pockets as their wares grow shoddier and more and more of us are forced to use our bare hands to gratify ourselves, like savages! My brothers, hear my call! Our sex toys are crying! We must crush their enemies under the heel of the Dongunist Vanguard!”
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"We'll see about that. Right now, I wanna see how well you can use that tongue of yours where it counts." Ritsu said. She reached down under Tsumugi's skirt and felt her panties.

"Ooh, is that real silk? I am jealous!" Ritsu said.

"Yea." Tsumugi replied. Tsumugi went for Ritsu's panties as well.

PANTIES
I TOTES CALLED IT GUYS

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"Hey, don't leave me out." Mio said as she put her hand on Tsumugi's soft and firm ass. They felt each other's private places up for a bit, and then clothing started coming off. Once all of them were completely naked, they all of them stared at each other's hot, tight and naked bodies. They tried all the positions - on top, doggy, and normal. That's when Yui walked in.

See? See how I can just put some Garth in without disturbing the narrative tone or flow at all? THAT IS NOT A GOOD SIGN, MISTER QUAMP.

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"We have a problem though. That dildo has only three prongs while there are four of us."

One make of dildo has three prongs; red, blue, and green. There are four girls - Y, M, R, and T, who wish to use the dildo. M sits to the left of the girl with the green prong, and R sits to the right of the girl with the blue. The girl who is alphabetically next in line from the girl with the red is inorgasmic. Assuming that the girls’ anuses cannot self-lubricate and therefore each girl can only use one prong each, which girl occupies which prong, which girl sits out, and GODDAMMIT QUAMP

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"Oh, don't worry. I've got another double-pronged dildo." A voice from behind Mio said. That was, of course, Sawako.

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Besides, we used to hold orgies in here all the time." Sawako said with a sly wink. "Although back then, there were guys in the light music club."

"So that's what that faint smell was." Mio said.

Assuming that all this has been going on since before she came to the school, and has graduated, went to college, received a degree in teaching, and returned to the school in the minimum amount of time possible, then *caculates*…There is a still-present-enough-to-be-detectable film of sperm, vaginal fluids, lube, and god knows what else coating the room that has been congealing, unchecked, for a minimum five years. This isn’t a clubroom, it’s a biohazard. Prongs should be the least of these girls' worries.

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"We cleaned up afterwards every time. Well girls, it's time to get those pussies creaming!"

What the fuck did you clean it with, more sperm?
It’s around here that reading the fic in the Garth voice really helps, by the way.

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She then had Mio lie down and spread her legs wide, revealing Mio's hairy gash.

IS THAT GASH
IN YOUR LEG
REALLY WHY
YOU HAVE QUAMPED

Anyway, Quampedo Mark von Marenghi tries to convey a cunnilingual orgy by deploying every vaginal euphemism he heard on the bus earlier that day, until this happens:

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Then Sawako decided she would teach them the fine art of tribbing. Starting with Mio, Sawako put her tight snatch next to Mio's hot pussy, and began to rub them together.

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Delcat: I should ask my sister if that's actually ever used as a term.
Delcat: ...nope, she's never heard it.
Zeiss Manifold: well then
Delcat: But to mention that she's only half-lesbian, so we don't have full accuracy.
Delcat: My sister rocks.
Delcat: She says to also say that lesbians barely ever do it because it's awkward and not that fun.
Zeiss Manifold: somewhere, a quamp cries.

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"Ooh... Sawa-chan, this feels so big..." Mio said as she seized that plastic shaft with her pussy. Sawako, however, was with Yui and Tsumugi, lying on her back with a third of the three-pronged dildo in her pussy. Tsumugi was on top with the final part of that dildo inside her tight hole. Moaning and gasping came forth in copious amounts as everyone went back and forth on their dildos.

In every clubroom a quampfic, and every passage picked takes me further from heaven
(Is there a heaven? I’d like to think so).
Standards of yuri, they’re falling daily,
“Get those pussies creaming!” is only a saying.
From snatch, gash, to tunnel; no small cunnilingus.
The clubroom is pretty - pathologist’s palace.
Fanboy perfection; but what goes on, what to do there?
Lots of quamp there...

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Delcat: really, I don't even know how that would work logistically
Delcat: You'd have to...like, pile up.

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Oddly enough, the first one to climax was Mio. She didn't make a lot of noise while they fucked (that was done by Ritsu and Sawako) but she-went wide-eyed and gasped sharply as she squirted her female cum.

quamp are you honestly attempting an infodump at the end of an orgy scene
what the fuck man

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Exhausted, all five of them collapsed onto the floor.
"Mmm... Sawa-chan, I've never had a climax this intense before. Your techniques really got me gushing with cum." Ritsu said.

TRULY, THIS IS DIALOGUE FROM A WORLD-WEARY MASTER OF PROSE.

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"Mmm... Sawa-chan, I never thought sex with a girl could be so good..." Yui said. "I've always thought of myself as a guy's girl."
"Well, there are pluses and minuses to sex with both boys and girls. You shouldn't limit yourself to just one." Sawako said.

Sawako: WHY YES GIRLS YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE APART FROM WOMEN-
SUCH AS THAT “QUAMP” FELLOW FOR ONE
quamp: oh man why hasn’t every lesbian thought of this

From my limited experience, though, I can very well tell that lesbians don‘t work the way quamp thinks they do. Why? Because boys are boys, but girls are choice.

oh God you rock the world Zeiss.

Once the Snark-a-Thon is over, the next official challenge should be to draw the five-dildo scene and make it anatomically possible.

See, this is why I never write orgies. I have enough trouble keeping track of who's doing what to whom with just two people. Start adding in more, and I have to set up a flow chart to figure out what's going on.

Also, hairy gash is right up there with gaping wound as phrases that should not be used to describe a vajay.

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"Well, today we're going to -" Ritsu started. She stopped when she tripped over a power cord and stumbled into Mio. Mio fell backwards, taking Ritsu with her. Once on the ground, Mio and Ritsu stared into each other's eyes for a bit.

Rule number one for my fellow womyn out there: this does not work for a rape. If a maxxn plans on raping you, HE MUST ME ON TOP.

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"Yea..." Mio replied. They stared at each other some more.

NO NO NO NO. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU FALL IN LOVE. THE MAXXN HAS TO ATTEMPT TO PUT HIS PENIS IN YOUR PRECIOUS WOMYNHOOD. YOU ARE THEN SUPPOSED TO BREAK IT. OR PERFORM AN ABORTION.

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"All right, it's true. Mio-chan and I are dating each other." Ritsu said. "But that's not a bad thing."

You are not automatically dating because YOU STARE INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES.

THIS IS OBVIOUSLY WRITTEN BY A PATHETIC MAXXN.

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"I wish I could get a lover too. My parents keep arranging boys I hate for me." Tsumugi said.

This womyn has got it all wrong. SHE NEEDS TO TRY OTHER WOMXXN!

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Boring sex scene

This dirty maxxn is obviously a virgin that masturbates to anime routinely.

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"Mmm... Sawa-chan, I've never had a climax this intense before. Your techniques really got me gushing with cum." Ritsu said.

"Same here. I'm going to practice those more." Tsumugi said.

Now these womxxn need to practice their feminist right to ABORT THOSE FETUSES.