Quamp, Gurren-Lagann, Agriculture, and You

Today’s selection is a tale by our very own quamp, the fandom being the only one he’s written in that I know anything about - Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann, a Gainax show about robots and drills and sunglasses and explosions and it’s mentioned on like every TV Tropes entry so that should tell you everything you need to know about it. It’s called “What If Kamina Had Lived?”, a title that would require a spoiler box, if it wasn’t that Kamina’s in-canon fate is about as much of a spoiler nowadays as “The Titanic sinks at the end.”

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A/N: I'm really surprised nobody's written a Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann story here before. Hopefully, this will start a trend…

TTGL takes place in a universe where the laws of physics are as malleable as window putty, and where this kind of shit happens on a regular basis. And given this fertile field, what does quamp decide to plant? Enough blandfruit to fill the Top 40 charts for three years straight. There are only 7 TTGL fics on AFF, compared to 200 at FF.net, so I doubt this attempt at a pornfic harvest was very successful. Putting a PVC figurine in the wicker man counts as cheating, I guess.

Anyway, the story starts after the non-elaborated-on “Final Battle”, where Kamina makes a Ronald Emmerich-y speech and is accosted by Yoko afterwards:

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"It's going to be rough, Yoko-chan. But I will always try to make time for us. I hope that you and I can marry once enough of the city is rebuilt." Kamina said. Yoko let go of his hands and threw her arms around him.

"Oh yes I'll marry you! You've made me very happy!" Yoko said emotionally as she smiled. Kamina returned her embrace and held this luscious vixen close.

Suddenly, first blemishes of Perverse Sexual Lust appear on the blandfruit. The two waste no time in initiating sexytiems:

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They felt an intense passion flow between them. Yoko felt at ease being in Kamina's strong arms, and she felt like she was meant to go there. Kamina also felt wonderful holding Yoko close. He enjoyed the feel of her ample tits on his broad pecs. The two of them kissed for a bit, playing with each other's tongues. It was nothing but pleasure in each other's arms. When they came up for air, Kamina invited Yoko to lie in bed with him, and she eagerly agreed.

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When suddenly, the field is raided by the wolves of euphemism!

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After a few more minutes of playing tonsil hockey, Kamina reached up and seized Yoko's ample rack into his hands. Yoko responded by feeling up Kamina's buns of steel. She felt Kamina's cock go up and press into her tight snatch.

jesus god quamp are you in the seventh grade

Quamp attempts to salvage the harvest by sprinkling on some more dialogue, however, the fruit is already mushy and his fertilizer has lost its nutrients, making it just another plain sack of shit.

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"Well, you're very impressive naked." Kamina said.

"You look very big too... But what can you do with it?" Yoko asked.

"I'd rather show you than tell you." Kamina said as he dove for her sweet treasure box.

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“Skinemax movie dialogue? I’LL STEAL IT! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!”

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Parting Yoko's legs, Kamina could see she had a small bar of red hair down there. Yoko couldn't stop herself from returning the head she was getting. She eagerly took his hard tool into her mouth and started sucking it. Yoko ran her soft tongue around his hard shaft and got Kamina harder than he'd ever been before. That was easy with a babe as hot as Yoko is. Kamina also continued to probe Yoko's sweet pink as she gave him head. Neither one of them could get enough of this sixty-nine. It was like paradise on earth to them. Kamina enjoyed the taste of Yoko's sweet hot crack, and she loved the taste of Kamina's hard tool. Once he was very hard, they turned around. Kamina slid his hard cock deep into Yoko's wet, tight slit.

QUAMP, DIGIVOLVE TO…JOSHCUBE

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"Ooh! Oh yes!" Yoko gasped. "That feels huge!!" Yoko had seized Kamina's boner with the force of a car crusher.

Chortle at Kamina’s boner, will she? Hey, wait a minute…

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Yoko had seized Kamina's boner with the force of a car crusher.

That fic Cyberwulf snarked wrote:

He felt like he stuffed his dick into a pinhole.

Another quampfic* wrote:

Junnosuke felt his cock was caught in a vise and Kurumu was turning the handle as hard as she could.

…Yikes. I hate speculating like this, but methinks someone has lost a little sensation down there.

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Yoko couldn't help but run her hands over Kamina's broad pecs and really liked touching his buns of steel. Kamina also ran his hands over Yoko's soft, smooth skin. Her breasts bounced like two basketballs as Kamina rammed his rod deep inside Yoko and back. They seemed to connect on a level that they never had felt before.

THEY’RE GOING BASKETBALLS TO BUNS MAN
Geez, man, you’re trying to write a Harlequin novel and something you heard on the middle-school bus at the same time. PORN DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

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Both of them never wanted it to stop, but sadly, it did. Just when neither of them could take anymore, Kamina came hard and fast.

…

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A second or two later, Yoko climaxed, and squealed in delight as she achieved the ultimate pleasure.

Oh, so it’s okay then.
More projecting? You decide.

Anyway, they both go through the whole “Was it good for you?” routine, and after that quamp tries one last attempt at saving his farm with an emergency KOMEDY resuscitation regarding Simon and Nia, which amounts to as much as throwing a plastic play pumpkin at a sheet of bedrock. We do finish on this line, though:

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"You're right. I shouldn't rush things. I should let myself grow up normally." Nia said. "There will be plenty of time for kids once Simon and I have turned eighteen."

THE QUAMP IS DOWN WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY, FOLKS. TOTES.

*Found here.
Dan Backslide shoop not mine, btw.

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"There will be plenty of time for kids once Simon and I have turned eighteen."

MAFI'S NOTE: IT'S NOT OKAY FOR SIMON AND NIA TO FUCK BECAUSE THEY ARE 14.

BUT YOKO IS 14 TOO.

WHAT.

How in God's name... QUAMP. This is an abomination. I don't understand how you can visit this forum and make fun of bad fanfic and bad fanart and then go out and write something THIS BAD.

InkWeaver wrote:

How in God's name... QUAMP. This is an abomination. I don't understand how you can visit this forum and make fun of bad fanfic and bad fanart and then go out and write something THIS BAD.

But he doesn't make fun of bad things. He makes fun of either totally boring or intentional bad/strange things. His concept of good and bad is warped magnificently.

Holy crap, I think I read this a while ago. Is there a wacky misunderstanding at some point where someone (one of the three Black sisters, I think) thinks Simon and Nia had sexxorz when in fact they didn't?

Love the doctored romance novel cover. :D

Mafiosa wrote:

MAFI'S NOTE: IT'S NOT OKAY FOR SIMON AND NIA TO FUCK BECAUSE THEY ARE 14.

BUT YOKO IS 14 TOO.

I assume quamp is going for the "Nuh-uh, no way, that must be a typo" school of Yoko drooling appropriateness. (As opposed to the "their years are not our years because they used to live underground" school.) It is kind of weird that Simon and Nia both have growth spurts during the timeskip and Yoko doesn't, if they're supposed to be the same age.

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Summary: Set after the final battle, the crew of the Dai-Gammen decides what to do next. M/F

Okay first. It's Dai-Gurren, or Dai-Gunzen if you want to use it's original name, I don't know what this Dai-Gammen is, prolly a giant walking mecha made of ham.

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A/N: I'm really surprised nobody's written a Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann story here before. Hopefully, this will start a trend…

I don't quamp, we can do without a giant wave of bland fic.

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"Ah, I love the taste of victory after a hard-fought battle! Simon, you
and I came through when it counted the most!" Kamina said. Yoko was all
smiles as she rushed to his side.

"Kamina! Oh, this is so wonderful!" She said as she put her arms around him. Kamina did the same.

"Well, now that we are victorious, we have to rebuild things! There's a
world out there that needs repair!" Kamina said. Naturally, everyone
was eager to follow his lead. He wanted to construct a city on the site
of the final battle, a grand capitol for the new republic. Build a new
city on the ruins of the old one. Everyone was eager to follow him.

Now, correct me If I'm wrong, But Kamina didn't strike me as the type to go on from piloting a mecha to building like. In fact if the rest of Team Dai-Gurren are anything to go by he'd be going mad from boredem about a week after Lord Genome grew his fancy new chest hole.

Oh wait this Quampina, His Burning Manly Blandness knows no limits.

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That evening, however, Kamina was alone in his room.

For this fic we've replaced life of the party Kamina with prone to shrinking away from the crowd pre-character development Simon. Lets see if anybody notices.

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"You've made me very happy too. We can have a wonderful family when
everything is ready. But tonight, I'm hoping we could have a bit of
fun." Kamina said. Yoko stared deep into Kamina's eyes.

Normally practical and battlegirl Yoko has been replaced by a, erm, not sure, but somebody get the real Yoko back here, she will not be pleased.

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Block 'o' Bland forplay

Frankly you could change teh names here to any couple ever and be non the wiser, that is how bland this is.

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"Well, you're very impressive naked." Kamina said.

"Not that you wear much anyway" *Smack* "Wanna say that again smart guy?"
I'm sorry, I keep forgetting our characters lost all personality during Quampification.

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Yet another very cut and pasteable block 'o' smut

Okay this is just getting silly.
Idea time.

Spoiled cause of NWS.

Spoiler:

See what I mean? Any names. Quamplibs, try them today!

Moving on!

Somewhere along the line we get this gem.

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Next door, Simon had been woken up by Yoko's pleasure squeals. Nia had as well, and she went to Simon's room to get help.

Now, lets not get into the fact that if Kamina lived Simon would not have had his freak out and not have stumbled into Nia so she should be dead in a box somewhere, or that simon would prolly be curled up in the feat position cause he and yoko never had that talk about how she had/has a crush on him, no lets not do that at all, cause that would be interesting and this is quamp porn.

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"She's... Kissing my brother." Simon said. Nia didn't completely comprehend this.

"Oh... What's kissing?" Nia asked. Simon was red as a beet from this.

"Well, when a boy and a girl really like each other, they put their
arms around each other and touch their lips together." Simon said. He
feared that it was going to go in a direction he didn't want to go, and
sure enough, it did.

You know, if you don't want the cute moeblob to kiss you simon, don't tell her what it is!

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"Oh... I'd like to try that with you, Simon. I like you a lot." Nia said. Simon went stiff as a board in terror.

Now. This is woman who turned down Simons marriage proposal because she didn't understand it, Yet kissing she immediately gets and wants to do, yeah, real consistent there.

We have the hight of hilarity where in during a 'juicy gossip session' In which Nia confuses getting lucky with kissing all night. This might have been sweet except quamp decided it should happen in the "Never seen before" communal female showers and we get discruptions of the ladies washing themselves.

This is just terrible, it's got nothing to do with gurren lagann past the names, No hot blooded speaches, no mecha fights, no viral turning up to cause trouble or just the sweet but clumsy dynamic between the entire team.

Anything to add Simon?
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Apprently not, now if you'll excuse me, I need to find a bear to punch out.

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

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Beauty incarnate.

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Simon went stiff as a board in terror.

Out of curiosity, is a board in terror any stiffer than a board not in terror? Also, are we all just bored with terror?

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

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I would seriously make this my new avatar if I weren't already attached to my Nazi penguin suits.

myeerah wrote:

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Simon went stiff as a board in terror.

Out of curiosity, is a board in terror any stiffer than a board not in terror? Also, are we all just bored with terror?

Given a board is an inanimate object, I doubt it would feel terror (or much of anything else).

I'm not bored with terror, I'm bored stiff.

Oh God Zeiss I love you. Admittedly, all I know about Gurenn-Lagann is /y/ canon, which is, uh...

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...yyyyyeah I'm actually kind of flabbergasted at the lack of smutfic. It's such a fuckin' shame that this shit has to make up a sixth of the produce from what would seem such a fertile fandom. ...and I'm going to be talking in agricultural metaphors all day, apparently. ZEISS.

Dude, has anyone looked at Quamp's profile? I've never seen so many one-to-two starred fics on AFF.net in my life. I didn't even know people did that, I always just assumed they automatically tagged fics at five and went on fapping. I guess it's a more discerning audience than I thought.

ETA:

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"Yea! You feel very tight, Yoko-chan!" Kamina replied as he started
going back and forth inside Yoko. Neither one of them could get enough
of each other. Yoko couldn't help but run her hands over Kamina's broad
pecs and really liked touching his buns of steel. Kamina also ran his
hands over Yoko's soft, smooth skin. Her breasts bounced like two
basketballs as Kamina rammed his rod deep inside Yoko and back. They
seemed to connect on a level that they never had felt before. Both of
them never wanted it to stop, but sadly, it did. Just when neither of
them could take anymore, Kamina came hard and fast. A second or two
later, Yoko climaxed, and squealed in delight as she achieved the
ultimate pleasure.

Wait, that's all it takes? Is he even touching her clit anymore? 'Cause call me nutty, but it takes a little more than the executive privilege of--OMG!--touching someone's pecs while I get mechanically reamed out for two minutes to start getting into it, much less "achieve ultimate pleasure". "Connecting on a level (I) had never felt before" is right out. Quamp, your first time is going to be twenty-eight seconds of disappointment and anger on both sides.