I love trolls, especially the unsubtle ones, with the intentional sub-literacy, thin plots and general merriment they bring, especially for people fond of the [sic] joke.
With this, I'll introduce DOOM DEMONS PEPLE ARE ATTACK! parts 1 & 2 - technically two fics, but both so short that I'll review in one shot. The fics are by the aptly named "Storyprovider", who claims his English is rubbish because he's from "nother country" (Finland in this case), but I don't believe him, considering he writes about stuff like Superman helping Stalin in WWII.
I invite people to have a good read of his account, because there's some epic shit in there, but no sporking until the 20th November in case I need to borrow more of his fics to make 20 sporks.
Anyway, rambling. Back to sporking the awful Doom fanfic. Let's start:
- Quote :
- doom marine guys vas in mars planet baes on day becaus they vere army gyus who has to do vaht orders vere and orders vas here
it vas late and sun vas gone and vas and dark knight so it vas dark and moon and scary. so some science guy peple vas scarred but not the marine guys hbeceaus they were training and skilly and so vasnet scarred
Clearly someone's "W" key doesn't work, or he's trying to redress the W/V universal imbalance caused by Chekov from Star Trek pronouncing all Vs as Ws.
They're attack by DEMON GUYS! who are evidentally difficult to hit. I think:
- Quote :
- yoiu shooted but miss but not your fault becaus demon guys fast so you miss
Some top notch leadership from "marine guy commander" James Lovrenen - keeping the morale up well there.
The demon sportingly explains his reason for attacking them:
- Quote :
- i vill kilol (lol indeed - HC) yuos and maek you suffer becaus you are human army guy peple and it vat i has to be do so you must be deaded by me" the demon fireball guy say
- Quote :
- but james lovrenen disagreeded
Phew! Glad we have someone of such conviction on our side. I'm certain those other marines were about to agree with the demon's point and surrender.
The marines fight the demon hordes for another 50 words or so until:
- Quote :
- but ten florr exploses!
""OH NO FLOOR IS GONE!
Hahahaha. I think it's Macro time:
- Spoiler:
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But James is saved from the lava below by the power of his faith:
- Quote :
- "no my vife is be sad so must not happened!" so james lovrenen vas use soul enercy becaus he vas a religions!
Or maybe there's a religion called James Lovrenenism that I haven't heard about.
- Quote :
- i must save colleag guy peple from fall so i must be sawed them but vat do i do" but he knov so he press botton on consoles
Hmmm. But this ploy is unsuccessful because the demons distract him. James is understandably upset:
(Incidentally, if you know what sawed is supposed to mean in there, please tell me)
- Quote :
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAILED TO SAVE SO IM BAD PERSON AND MUST BE DIE
Always beating himself up. So he tries to kill himself, but
- Quote :
- take knifes and pungh selv but it vas wrong! HE VAS BE WITH DEMON GUYS AND NOT VITH WIFE!
Oh the "W" key does work!
I'm not sure if that means he goes to hell instead of heaven for committing suicide or it means "No John, you are the demons." The second part will reveal that... yeah, it's the second one. We all knew that, yeah?
- Quote :
- DOOM DEMONS PEPLE ARE ATTACK 2: THE SEQUEL
...
HE VAS NOW DEMON AND TERROR AND DARK!
That's an impressive CV.
"Well I must say, Mr. Lovrenen, not only are you a demon, but you are terror and darkness themselves. Of course we'll accept you to inhabit this house and terrorise all within. Welcome aboard!"
Being a demon makes him "craszxy" - something with than many letters near the end of the alphabet has to be bad - and he gets the other demons to attack earth and "kill army peple"
- Quote :
- i vill find the wife and kill her becaus i tryed save me becaus to be her so army friends ded so wife must pay
Typical, these demons always blame their wives for their own failings. Of course, she can see right through him:
- Quote :
- "james lovrenen you vare tricked becaus demen guys evil so you not thinks cleear i love you understand" but he didnet listensed but went hands at wife
Incidentally, he's never referred to in the fic by his first name only, which leads me to believe that he wandered in here from the Angela Anaconda fandom. I bet he wishes he'd stayed there. James kills his wife, but it doesn't end there, a bright light shines in the sky:
- Quote :
- james lovrenen i am jesus you doed evil thing but reveng never good you acomplised noting" the light sayed so james felled sad at thegrass and cried tears of monsun like and knew that demons had tricked and sayed again that "god forgive me i sined sorry how do i defeat demons
He's seen the light! PRAISE THE LORDAAH!
Jesus comes down to earth, and helps James drive the demons back to Mars. How do they get there? No problem when you got Jesus on your side motherfucker!
- Quote :
- jesus said "ve dont have ship" so he did miracle and there is ship
On Mars they encounter more demons, kill them and find the portal to hell.
And Jesus said unto his apostle:
- Quote :
- "the portal must be destroy or is bads" jesus sayed
The boss demon guards the portal, requiring James and Jesus to shoot him at the same time.
- Quote :
- "we must shoot two rokets to him in same time becaus that is teh weakness"
Taking inspiration from Full Life Consequences is always good. But before they can do that, the boss demon shoots James, but using the soul energy seen in the first story, he summons up enough strength to shoot the demon with Jesus.
- Quote :
- they shoot rockets to demon boss guy and demon boss guy felled to portal but didnet die but too big so portal colapse and so everything vas okay anhd all vas nice and happy!
But:
- Quote :
- james lovrenen was to dieing so jesus comfortsed him and sayed taht "yours wife is awaits you" so he died pacefully and happy and vas soon with wife in heaven
"You are forgiven my son."
Nothing like a good Christian message of forgiveness in your badfic.
- Quote :
- THE END!
Thank fuck.
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