have u ebeh heardz uv clozin a gddaned doorz? ... or spelling, for that matter?

A fic I dug up in the Bible section in the pit. I've been meaning to do this for a while, but Nihilist's contest spurred me to actually snark it. This is almost certainly a trollfic, but it's at least amusing.

have u ebeh heardz uv clozin a gddaned doorz?

Quote :

Jezuz sat on his bed of hey angrily lissenin to hiz blessed iPod playin im nawt okai i promise by MCR.

Jezuz...god of the emos!

Quote :

Hiz fathuh da guud lawd didn't let him go to a panic at da disko concert jezuz asked to go wiff his band Jesus and the but gawd raped him and said no.

And Jezuz will give unto thee... fifteen... *crash*... TEN commandments! And the first commandment shall be:
1.) Thou shalt not rape Jezuz unless you are gawd.

Quote :

"jezuz what you doin?" a voice riddled wiff concern asked jezuz looked up to see his BFFL judas take the watah away cuz judas knoo hiz friend waz onli gonna turn into whiskey n drink himself to death agen n get resurrected and hiz dad would raep n ground him again.

2.) Thou shalt not be ground, unless it is by gawd, who must raep you first.

Quote :

"hey jezuz? judas said "yah?" said jezuz "i waz thinkin... you're golf n hawt n sxc... im golf n hawt n sexc i gaWTn idea

"wat?" asked jezuz "whi dun we go out?

3.) Thou shalt have teh hawt sexxors.

Quote :

N hiz stable lissnenin to da mooziks dat waz REAL golfz moozik like MCR and murlin manson not preppy poser sh*t liek Bauhauz n Siouxise sioux.

4.) Thou shalt not listen to preppy poser sh*t.

Quote :

"hey ab gonna maek a sammich frum da kitchen cuz ab hungreE" he said "i want one too" said jezuz "darez only enuff for one" said judaz jezuz smiled at him and turned da sammich into 2 dei smiled at each ovah dei waz in luv

5.) There are always enough sandwiches for Jezuz.

Quote :

he put pentagramz on hiz robe he kood get raeped for dat but he waz a rebel so he didn't caer, he convertedz to satinizm cuz he went agenzt hiz fadduh n worshipped silkly fabric

6.) Thou shalt not have any other gawds before Jezuz, except for Satin who hands out the cool pentagramz.

Quote :

"our luv iz free, mawm" I sai

"yo mama's foar free" said my mawm

7.) Love, and your mother, is for free.

Quote :

"?" I said

8.) Always speaketh your punctuation by itself, and never at the end of a sentence.

Quote :

"I liek ur pentagramz, gawd blezz satin" she said

9.) Always bless Satin, because this pisses gawd off.

Quote :

"WTF!?" I yelledz wen i saw bootiful dodobirdsz (dei were alive bakk den) n Judaz n bed n smokin n eatin sammichez.

10.) Beastiality is A-OK.

This is my face while reading this fic: :shocked:

Yeah, definitely a trollfic, I'd say. But an absolutely hilarious one.

Edit: The reviews are pretty fun as well, some enter into the spirit of the troll, others...don't.

Quote :

Wow, just, wow. This is the most indecipherable, disgusting, emo, load of ** I've ever read. Congratulations.

Quote :

Sarcasm is often lost on the internet,so I must ask this question:Are you serious?!?!Because if you are,and this isn't some sort of wierd kind of parody,I may have lost my faith in humanity.Actually,even if it is,I still have.

And I'm athiest btw.

Quote :

HOLY **!

I can't believe you would write this sort of thing. You will go to hell bigtime missy. God wouldn't RAPE anyone, I mean according to the cristianity he is the creator of all mankind.

And wasn't Judas the one who betrayed Jesus to the Romans?

Listen, this is blasphemy and it is VERY offensive. Take it down NAO D<

:bible:

Quote :

This is beautiful.
It should be illegal for someone to write such beautiful, touching, stories. This has changed my life. I don't think I will ever look at anything the same again.

Quote :

omg tahts not funn y! you should not amke funs of the biebl becuz yoo will go to teh hell otehrwize im ttly srs gaiz mah paster told me when he was molestering me.

Jezuz den tole us dat da ten kunmandments are of da old skool, and now da new skool of goffik iz to rezpekt da on roole - no pozting chaild pr0n!
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Bauhaus is poser preppy shit! Jezuz said so!!

I have to say, it takes a lot of work to spell that badly, consistently. Kudos to the troll.
LOL at the reviewer who doesn't get the joke.
And ROTFLOL at Goth Jesus. And probably going to Hell for it.

This is a pretty well-done trollfic. I love how he worships silky fabric.