Awful Covers

Some people are completely incapable of understanding basic human thought processes. These are the kind of people who say "hey, I think that would look great on the cover of my book!" and seriously think that whatever it is they are doing will actually make people want to buy the book in question. These are the people that this thread is about.

Feel free to post covers to things that aren't books. I know this is in the original fiction section, but we have no general section for this kind of stuff.

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This one is infamous. Count the number of hands the woman has.


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This is my single favourite book cover in the history of the world. Everything about it is hideous, especially the quality of the modelling.


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Now, this album, I almost bought it, but I was a little worried there wouldn't be enough drums:

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Yeah, bad music will do that to ya.

Ah, I remember the House thread for this. Many lulz were had. If we're including album covers, mention must be made of the original one for the Scorpions' Virgin Killer, which has caused all sorts of wankery over the years, including Wikipedia getting into trouble with paedo-busting organizations for displaying it (full story here).

Here it is (I hope it doesn't break any rules, but if it's OK for Wikipedia I assume it's OK here):

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The cover to the omnibus edition of Lord Darcy:
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What the artist meant to depict was, as far as I can tell, a woman in a frothy pseudo-Victorian confection of a dress, falling or being hurled over the parapet of a bridge.

What the author has actually shown is a woman with three knees being eaten by a giant blue cabbage.

Keith Fraser wrote:

Ah, I remember the House thread for this. Many lulz were had. If we're including album covers, mention must be made of the original one for the Scorpions' Virgin Killer, which has caused all sorts of wankery over the years, including Wikipedia getting into trouble with paedo-busting organizations for displaying it (full story here).

Here it is (I hope it doesn't break any rules, but if it's OK for Wikipedia I assume it's OK here):

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Dude, I think that picture's banned in my country. If I get arrested, I am so blaming you.

Wow, I feel so edgy.

Anyway, bad covers. Tor Books are well known for horrible generic fantasy art; here's some examples from the Wheel of Time series:

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Apologies for the bad resolution; blame Wikipedia. Better resolution would not improve matters, though.

People should remember this one...

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:shocked: WHY DOES HE HAVE A SECOND PENIS AT THE SIDE OF HIS TROUSERS?! Wasn't he content with that rugby-ball-sized package at the front? David Bowie, eat your heart out...

Actually, I think that book must feature MPreg. The baby is trying to punch its way out.

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

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This is my single favourite book cover in the history of the world. Everything about it is hideous, especially the quality of the modelling.

The tattoos are the kind of thing that just scream early 21st Century, and hence both don't belong on a fantasy character, and will make that book cover look incredibly dated in short order.

Sword of Longing? Sword of Longing!? Jesus F. Christ, if you're going to give you story a punny title, could you at least make it a FUNNY punny title?

Alright, so at least one person on Skype has been bugging me to post some of my extensive collection of bad album covers, so here you go. NOW WITH OCCASIONAL COMMENTARY.

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This and Devastatin' Dave are probably the Bad Album Covers (TM) that everyone has seen on the internets somewhere, but I can't help but love this one. "Ken" looks like he was not so much ‘born’ as simply carved from a giant hock of ham. His hair appears to be an alien symbiote that has latched itself onto his head. He sits in a horrific leisure suit in front of some equally horrific wood paneling (and what may or may not be a glory hole), bearing the single most stupefying expression ever to contort itself on a human face. It's somewhere between dumbfoundedness, mild lust, and "Someone has kept me caged in his basement for two months and is now dangling a steak in front of my face. I REQUEST THAT STEAK."

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FREE ORAL SEX; ALL ATTRACTIVE SWAMP AREA WOMEN PLEASE APPLY

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"Alright, you want to design me an album cover? Well listen, you want to do something, you do it my way. The Nuge way. The Nuge doesn't go for that pansy-ass Roger Dean shit - he wants something that makes your grandma puke themselves with fear and catch fire and die. It's what the Nuge fucking does."
NOTE: Upon hearing the above comment, Roger Dean went crazy.

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ROCK-FNYKIS, ROCK-FNYKIS
THIS FNYKIS IN MY SKIN

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Let Turd Ferguson show you the way to sensuality! With the help of fishnet tops and Daisy Dukes. (Hint: They're not for her)

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"You say anything about women's clothing, and we’ll fucking chop you.”

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BAT ASS

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6/7 funky, 1/7 constipated: Microcephalitis is a serious condition, folks.

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Y’know, Salieri wouldn’t have ended up with all those issues if he just stuck with these guys.

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Apparently, the level of sheer groovitude possessed by these hep teens has pushed them into the "Land Of Smile", a higher plane of existence consisting of an endless dance floor surrounded by orbital superballs. The decidedly un-groovy girl on the left clearly got here by accident, looking ready to shout "Well I never!" at the teenage scene. If only her squareness could free her.

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And here's Volume 3, featuring a man being forcibly restrained while trying to force his mind to the Land Of Smile. They don't all make it alive, you know.

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This is purported to be a Christian concept album based on the Star Wars mythology. It’s not, really, as the “concept”, from what I can tell, is only limited to the title track - which is basically a ho-hum recap of Lucifer’s origin story with “STAR WARS” shouted over it. But hey, listen and judge for yourself.

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Patton Oswalt IS Dan Haggerty in Grizzly Adams ‘09!

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FEATURING 20 SMASH HITS BY THE ORIGINAL ARTISTS

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If ever there was an album cover that really needed a giant dong shooped into it, this is the one.

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Del says this one reminds her of “the scene in the Brady Bunch movie where they all take mushrooms”, and I can’t sum it up better than that.
I’ve saved this one for last, though, as it’s one of the most staggeringly bizarre things I’ve ever heard. The Kaplans were a Jewish Chicago lounge act from the mid-seventies, who apparently spun In The Court Of The Crimson King around a bit too many times and decided to write a Big Important Album about the meaning of life. What resulted was an immortal, unholy mix of prog, lounge, and klezmer, with a few whistling solos, an incredibly overworked Mellotron, and a singer who sounds “almost exactly like Cher” thrown in. I have to share this one with you guys. Watch out for a cameo by what sounds like the Prospector from the Felix The Cat movie.

That aside, have an assorted mishmash of miscellaneous weirdness.

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Zeiss Manifold wrote:

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ROCK-FNYKIS, ROCK-FNYKIS
THIS FNYKIS IN MY SKIN

Bwahahaha - you have a Martin Ljung cover! And it's Knäppupp, too - here, have a song from that album:


For those of you who don't speak Swedish, it's basically a parody/mockery of the youth culture of the fifties, taken from a live show done in 1956.

How the hell did you find this, Zeiss?


Aaaanyway. My own contribution:

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Because everyone knows that the best music is made in Ugly Mullet Clone Land, where there is only one clothing store. Selling the same set of green pants and Your-Mother's-Best-Tablecloth-shirts to everyone.

And, of course, the most terrifying set of eyes ever seen on an album cover:

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... They haunt my nightmares. o.O


And, last but not least, one of my favourite bad book covers - this one is pretty famous too, for it's sheer mass of creepy pedo vibes:

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Zeiss Manifold wrote:

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"Alright, you want to design me an album cover? Well listen, you want to do something, you do it my way. The Nuge way. The Nuge doesn't go for that pansy-ass Roger Dean shit - he wants something that makes your grandma puke themselves with fear and catch fire and die. It's what the Nuge fucking does."
NOTE: Upon hearing the above comment, Roger Dean went crazy.

I hope you're not dissing Roger Dean. The man was a genius. Well, at least he was when he was still toking. As for Terrible Ted that cover is certainly accurate as far as his mental state goes I suspect.

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This is purported to be a Christian concept album based on the Star Wars mythology. It’s not, really, as the “concept”, from what I can tell, is only limited to the title track - which is basically a ho-hum recap of Lucifer’s origin story with “STAR WARS” shouted over it. But hey, listen and judge for yourself.

Kevin Spacy was a born again? Seriously, this guy could be Spacy's stunt double.

That Heino guy with the scary eyes looks like a puppet from Thunderbirds...

I've never understood the freaking out over Heino's appearance. Whenever I see him I imagine him to be a 3rd rate German Roy Orbison clone, which isn't scary.

tim gueguen wrote:

I hope you're not dissing Roger Dean. The man was a genius. Well, at least he was when he was still toking. As for Terrible Ted that cover is certainly accurate as far as his mental state goes I suspect.

...Actually, upon wiki research, the Osibisa one is Mati Klarwein, not Dean. Dean did do some other Osibisa covers, though.

I forgot to mention, but now that I think about it, the real reason I like the "Mr. Lumberjack" cover is that it really looks like the trees are ganging up on poor Hal Willis.

"I AM GOING TO PUNISH YOU IN THE NAME OF THE '70s!"

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Yeah, I'd totally get this one if I was looking for something to play in the background while me and my girl cuddle on the sofa:

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Come for the drunken fairies upchucking in the alley, stay for the pensive dismembered bodies:

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And while I'm ransacking the 80s let's not forget this one...

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There are some notebooks I bought with "toxic zombies" covers that are truly hemetic. I know there's an age when gross is the new black, but it says something that they were put in the middle of a "3x2" sealed pack. I'll scan them when I get home.

Bring on the brain bleach!

What is wrong with this picture?

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Ugly is as ugly does.

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AKA The album you put on to get those last pesky guests to finally leave:

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It's not a party without stuff!

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Is it me or does that vase of flowers seem to be in a weird place?

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Sir Mix-A-Lot's favorite book.

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Miss Misery wrote:

It's not a party without stuff!

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I love how you guys keep bringing up Larz-Kristerz. Where the hell do you find them? Did you just google "Bad album covers" and have them turn up?

The funny thing is, I'd never even heard of them until two years ago, when they were on TV for some reason, and right now, they're crazy popular in Sweden - among the kind of people who listen to silly ballade-singing dance-music-groups, that is. I personally find them ridiculous, but there you have it.

This is what they look like today, BTW:

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And nobody actually wears those silly costumes any more. Except Larz-Kristerz, and some obscure bands I will hopefully never hear of.

Don't ever leave your toddlers unattended, especially not in a church:

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I know, I'll make my album look family-friendly by sticking a terrified-looking toddler in the middle of us! We're tapping that in the name of God. :lolinsane:

"Count Your Blessings" sounds like a threat, to boot.

These covers from Biggles.com aren't so much awful as merely odd and/or loaded with amusing Unfortunate Implications.

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Biggles vs. the Giant Octopus Of Explosive Flatulence!

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...gets his men to invite him to a very kinky orgy, it seems. Also, all Chinese people in Biggles covers wear yellow robes, pointy hats and Fu Manchu beards.

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I think this one's title speaks for itself.

frostflowers wrote:

And nobody actually wears those silly costumes any more. Except Larz-Kristerz, and some obscure bands I will hopefully never hear of.

Now that's a relief.

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And nobody actually wears those silly costumes any more. Except Larz-Kristerz, and some obscure bands I will hopefully never hear of.

Well, at least not until the next Dansbandskampen... which just started, didn't it? *shudder*

frostflowers wrote:

And nobody actually wears those silly costumes any more. Except Larz-Kristerz, and some obscure bands I will hopefully never hear of.

Except for every single band in the history of Japan.