What if Jean Valjean was evil? No, seriously, what if?

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So, while browsing for new ways to injure myself, I stumbled upon the sharp, jagged corner of this.

Here goes.

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Alright! Here is my first story! What would happen if Jean Valjean became evil? This story is based on Les Miserables the PLAY, not the book. Each chapter will probably be a song, but if I choose to only do part of one I might do 2 songs in 1 chapter. So if you came here for an amazing story about Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, you are in the wrong spot. It is rated T for violence in later chapters. Don’t worry, it won’t be THAT gory. This story is actually a comedy and tragedy. Let’s say I have a funny chapter, don’t criticize me for it not being a tragedy. Same with if it’s a tragic chapter. Don’t be all “this story is so not funny” because maybe I didn’t mean for it to be funny. Remember to read and review and flames are welcomed. Sorry for the long and ranting author’s note. Enjoy the story!!!!

-Mushie

One: Long AU. Check. We are off to a great start.

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“I’ve done no wrong. Sweet Jesus hear my prayer.”

“Look down, look down, sweet Jesus doesn’t care.”

Certainly I'm not the only one seeing the deep emotion in these lines. I almost want to weep for the plight of these....no, wait, weeping for the plight of those who choose to read this.

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“I know she’ll wait! I know that she’ll be true!” A few convicts “aww-ed” over this, but suddenly the sweet moment ended when some other grumpy convict sang.

Because there was always the time and good feelings in a French prison camp to dote over another prisoners love life. Hell, the guards were really a lot like older brothers, always there to be sympathetic. Javert was just a kindly misunderstood camp counselor, full of sage advice.

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The sweet convict put down his pickaxe and went to a shady corner of the field to mope. He was obviously upset that his fellow convict was thinking that his wife wouldn’t wait for him. Everyone watched him move to the corner but they immediately ignored him and began their musical number.

He was allowed to leave the workline to mope, his feelings hurt. I get the feeling that this is rapidly turning into the French summer camp experience. Javert will be walking down the workline next, snapping fingers to the beat. "And a five-six-seven-eight! From the top, people!"

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“OHMYGOD! I THINK I BROKE A NAIL!!!” One of the prisoners yelled in a valley girl tone.

See in the authors note? Where it says this is a "tragedy" and a "comedy"? I fail to see either one of those thus far. Instead, I see canonical raping. Tragedy should make me feel for the victims. Comedy should make me mirthful, perhaps even make me snigger. This....this makes me hurt on the inside.

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“Master V!” Javert said to Valjean enthusiastically.

“J-Dog!” How you been doing?’ Valjean exclaimed. “Everything’s fine! You look…great!” Javert said after scanning Valjean’s dirty and frail body.

Master V and J-Dog, keepin' it real since they rolled in the ghettos of Toulon, 1815 style. Gonna go gangsta all over some madamouiselles. Forgo currency, obtain filthy denizens of the streets.

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“Master V, you are a free man, what will you do now?” Javert asked him.

“I’m getting a taco!”

"A what?" Javert promptly returned to his senses, bludgeoning Valjean in the skull with his blackjack and throwing him back into work on account of being crazy.

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“Sure. I hear Muchacho’s has a new El Grande taco. It’s 6.4 pounds and if you eat it in less than an hour you get a free piñata!” Javert happily informed Valjean.

Because, you know, Javert and Valjean have always gotten along so well. And now they're gonna go jump into Marty McFly's Delorean, shoot ahead a hundred and eighty years, get some grub, then flash to the future again to save the Enterprise, and find out that Valjean was the first Jedi.

....Shit. I think I just summoned something unspeakable into existence with that sentence.

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Did you like it? Please be honest in your comments, I’m always trying to improve! Anyways please review and you’re allowed to flame.

~Mushie

No. No I did not. And if you want to improve, please, swallow your pens. Every last one of them. Then look at the etchings the semi-digested ink makes when it escapes again. Study it. It may prove to be better written than this drivel.

Hey, it said I was allowed to flame.

One chapter down out of....let's see....mercifully, two. Two. Maybe somebody put Mushie back on its meds. We can hope, right? This can't be too widespread.

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thanks for visiting my profile and remember REVIEW/FAVORITE LES MISNEY BY TASTINGINSANITY and What Would Happen If Jean Valjean Became Evil

Wait, what? What? Out of all of the variety of miserable Les Miserables fiction in the pit, the first two that I pull out and snark are connected? That's like going fishing and reeling in a boot, only to find it's filled with killer aqua-bees. Who sting in the most horrible and unspeakable places for eternity.

Ow.

I think the musical is the worst thing to ever happen to Les Mis, really. Introduced it to a group of giggling young dumb 13 year old girls who, 9/10 times, would go one to write something like this unaware that it is exactly the sort of thing that makes someone who adores this book to pieces want to rip out the author's intestinal tract and use it to floss thier most unpleasant body cavities with.

Good show.

Also:

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And now they're gonna go jump into Marty McFly's Delorean, shoot ahead a hundred and eeighty years, get some grub, then flash to the future again to save the Enterprise, and find out that Valjean was the first Jedi.

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Master V and J-Dog, keepin' it real since they rolled in the ghettos of Toulon, 1815 style. Gonna go gangsta all over some madamouiselles. Forgo currency, obtain filthy denizens of the streets.

I enjoy your ideas and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

@Mafiosa: As soon as I'm done writing my Twilight/Full Metal Jacket/Mash crossover, I will add you to the mailing list.

And while I am a diehard lover of both the musical and the book, I had rather hoped, in some vain idea, that the fangirls would grasp the intricacies of the plot and the depth of the story and treat it with the same reverence I do. Sadly, reality burst into my happy place, screaming and lighting my belongings on fire, bringing with it the fangirl horde and this drivel.

Do you hear the fangirls squee?
Squeeing the song of hot hot men?
It is the music of a people who will not be sane again.
When the beating of your heart echoes the beating in your head,
there is a mocking 'bout to start when the pain has gone.

Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and snark with us?
Beyond the forum-board, are there the dreams you long to crush?

Then join in the fight that will give you the right to be meeeeeeeeeeean...

Jay/Cris wrote:

Do you hear the fangirls squee?
Squeeing the song of hot hot men?
It is the music of a people who will not be sane again.
When the beating of your heart echoes the beating in your head,
there is a mocking 'bout to start when the pain has gone.

Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and snark with us?
Beyond the forum-board, are there the dreams you long to crush?

Then join in the fight that will give you the right to be meeeeeeeeeeean...

... now I have the song stuck in my head again, but with your lyrics. I'm not sure whether I should hate you or offer you my firstborn. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

That said, this is a troll. I mean, Javert randomly blurting out things in pidgin Spanish about tacos...?
(I have to admit, it made me laugh, but my sense of humor is notoriously easy to please.)

Isn't part of the point of the entire novel that man can be good? (TBH, I've never actually sat down and read it)

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What if Jean Valjean was evil? No, seriously, what if?

He'd be Carcer Dun.

I love how the title and summary seem to tell us all we need to know about the story, and still the author manages to put in some unpleasant surprises (prisoners acting like valley-girls? Valjean and Javert acting like THAT?). Then the author wonders how to improve the story as if it isn't obvious.

Oh, and look at their profile.

Saleha is probably right.

Saleha wrote:

I'm not sure whether I should hate you or offer you my firstborn. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Let's compromise on you hating my firstborn and we'll call it a day. I mean, I'm not sure I'll grow attached to my firstborn: come any biblical punishments, he or she'll be the first to fall anyway.

It's safest to keep the firstborn a distance away, just in case of divine anger.

And if it is a troll, I fell for it. But if not, then I unearthed a portal to hell.

Knorg wrote:

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What if Jean Valjean was evil? No, seriously, what if?

He'd be Carcer Dun.

Better keep knives away from him then.