'secind time to uploud.plz be nice. loki and thor are horses'

So we come to one of the oddest conceits to ever cross my screen. This is Growing up by Natalie Johnson, or rather:

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hi my name is horsez.=D

She's actually listed as Horsez913. So whether that's meant to be a cartoon smilie, or what, I can't tell. I wonder if there are nine hundred and thirteen 'Horsez' listed on fanfiction or whether that's her lucky number? Either way, someone should tell her not to put her actual name on the fiction.

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i love horses and fanfiction.i will be doing warriors,horse,NCIS, NCIS LA and huntik.

Which is all well and good, but she has two fictions and they are both Avengers.

Which, too, is all well and good, but they both only have Thor and his family, so they're actually Marvel Thor, not Avengers.

The other story?

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i had to wright a story for enlgish. frits fanf plzz be nice. loki and thor are horses.

I know what you're thinking. The trolldar seems off the scale. But the stories themselves are not badly spelled My Immortal type stuff, so maybe she's a really good troll. Or just genuinely rubbish. You decide!

The Loki and Thor are horses shtick seems to be her thing. Her profile picture is of a black china horse with a white rear hoof. Lovely and all, but the picture actually manages to cut off both the head and tail, leaving the interested viewer with an image of four legs and a horse torso.

This is the level of competence to look for here. That's all I'm saying.

Once, the peoples of the North had a rich fund of stories about their Gods and Goddesses, a Norse pantheon very little of which survives. Epic sagas of realms fought for, honours won, triumph and loss on Wagnerian scales.

Marvel plundered this for their own comics, making a new set of stories. Deep and rich in complexity.

This... has nothing to do with any of that.

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Loki looked at Thor;

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he was a fine, golden Morgan,

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No, he wasn't. He was the Norse god of thunder.

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Loki was a black Belgian warmblood.

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No, he wasn't. He was the Norse god of mischief.

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They had the same father Odin, is a white Belgian warmblood,

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Closest I could get, I'm afraid. The only image of a pure white Belgian Warmblood was being ridden in a dressage event. Funny as all hell, but not apt. And, no, he wasn't, he was the Norse All-father.

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Thor was more like his mother, Frigga, a chestnut Morgan.

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Just so we're clear on our cast of characters. And, no she wasn't, she was the Norse yadda yadda.

I'm sorry folks, it is massively overused, but I'm afraid I have no choice:



I want to cut her some slack, she's obviously quite a young author, but Odin is Thor's father, but not Loki's. Frigga is the mother of neither Thor or Loki. I know it didn't make it clear in the Thor film, but the goddess Fjörgyn is Thor's mother.

The story is one of a jealous Loki. This much is in character. However, Loki is jealous that Thor gets to be put through his jumps and he, Loki, is too young.

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Thor trotted over to Loki and nuzzled him, "When will I get to jump"? "You will when your three, you know that," said Thor. "Enjoy the time you have as a colt." "But I can't do anything, all I do is eat and gallop around the field". "I want to do something important." he said.

Yes, this truly sounds like the epic Saga that led to Ragnarok. Pushing back the awful N-Sync pleasure pony flashbacks I'm getting , at what point these days do kids get taught that when a new person speaks, they get a new line?

Your, You're. They are not hard. Learn them.

So Odin trots over and basically we get the same conversation again. But Loki hatches a plan to show he can jump too!

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He escapes when the trainer attempts to get Thor and he runs for the Jump.

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She started yelling "Lokis on the loose." Loki trotted to the round pen

Oh, the round pen. The whole thing makes sense now. Actually, someone shouting, 'Loki's on the loose!' in the real Avengers universe would be a lot more interesting.

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and started to canter towards a jump.

The tension. It's bearable!

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He pushed up and was flying.

No, you see, what you've got there is Pegasus. Wrong pantheon.

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But the jump was too high, causing his back leg to hit the pole. Loki landed awkwardly. His back leg felt like it was on fire.

So he was taken away and shot.

Loki Glue. Coming to you soon. Stick with Mischief.

Actually, Loki returns having learned his lesson.

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Odin was waiting at the gate for him, "What were you thinking?" Odin yelled.

How does a horse yell?

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"I want to jump like Thor." "You need to wait until you're older". "I see that now, father, I am sorry". "It's ok my son."

So Loki is now called 'ok' or is this a Norse-Horse term of endearment? And kudos to the right 'you're'!

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Loki looked at his father and saw that he was proud and despotism of him.

I wonder what word was going through the author's mind before 'despotism' happened instead?

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But still proud, and that was all that matter.

But what about all that Dark Matter?

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Loki neighed with joy and galloped off to enjoy his time as a colt.

You know, stripped of it's Avengers clothing, this isn't a bad story. If you can credit five hundred and sixty five words as a story. It has characters, it has conflict and resolution. It's naive, but kind of sweet.

So why attempt to crowbar Thor/Avengers into it? It doesn't do the story any favours. The gods of Norse mythology and their use in Marvel are complex creatures, not horses. Thor, Odin and Frigga could have been giraffes and Loki a zebra and it wouldn't make a damned difference.

And Frigga had nothing to do but be there. No dialogue, no action. Could have been cut from the story entirely.

Well, this story does serve one useful purpose: it provides a perfect example of how NOT to write about horses or the Avengers.

Summercorn wrote:

So why attempt to crowbar Thor/Avengers into it? It doesn't do the story any favours. [...] Thor, Odin and Frigga could have been giraffes and Loki a zebra and it wouldn't make a damned difference.

Maybe she got her inspiration from Yann Martel? Or she just really really really likes horses and Norse names?

This is absurd. This is the kind of absurd that, offline, I would stare at and stare at until I have to buy it.

saja wrote:

Maybe she got her inspiration from Yann Martel? Or she just really really really likes horses and Norse names?

I think it's more likely that she really, really, really likes horses and the Avenger's movie.

What is hilarious is that her other story is this exact same story. Which explains why this is the:

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secind time to uploud

She uploaded the same story under two different titles!

saja wrote:

Summercorn wrote:

So why attempt to crowbar Thor/Avengers into it? It doesn't do the story any favours. [...] Thor, Odin and Frigga could have been giraffes and Loki a zebra and it wouldn't make a damned difference.

Maybe she got her inspiration from Yann Martel? Or she just really really really likes horses and Norse names?

I suspect it's more likely her inspiration came by way of a crack pipe. You'd have to be on crack to even conceive a fanfic like this, much less write it. Gloria Tesch is a Pulitzer Prize contender compared to this girl.

On one hand, at least they're not thrust into the MLP universe with lack of an explanation. On the other hand, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I DON'T EVEN

Wait, how do a "white Belgian warmblood" and a "chestnut Morgan" give birth to a "black Belgian warmblood" and a "golden Morgan". I do not breed horses but that seems off to me.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Wait, how do a "white Belgian warmblood" and a "chestnut Morgan" give birth to a "black Belgian warmblood" and a "golden Morgan". I do not breed horses but that seems off to me.

I'm a little baffled myself. I haven't seen that kind of obvious biology fail since the birth scene in "Chocobo Nights".

For what it's worth - there already is a Horse Thor. (Technically he's a Horse-Skull-faced Alien Thor but whatever.)

He's one of my favorite characters, and I'm always sad when an opportunity to use him gets passed up.


But hay, while we're at it, why not use Frog Thor too?

Oh hey Beta Ray Bill, I forgot about that guy. Probably because I only know about him from watching the animated Planet Hulk movie.

Chris91 wrote:

saja wrote:

Summercorn wrote:

So why attempt to crowbar Thor/Avengers into it? It doesn't do the story any favours. [...] Thor, Odin and Frigga could have been giraffes and Loki a zebra and it wouldn't make a damned difference.

Maybe she got her inspiration from Yann Martel? Or she just really really really likes horses and Norse names?

I suspect it's more likely her inspiration came by way of a crack pipe. You'd have to be on crack to even conceive a fanfic like this, much less write it. Gloria Tesch is a Pulitzer Prize contender compared to this girl.

Because being on crack gives you this peculiar urge to write cutsie little fables about horses learning an important life lesson that would make every elementary school teacher go "Awwww"?

For better or worse, I don't think that the writer has ever been near a crack pipe. Despite that bit about Loki and Thor being horses. Jumping poles. Umm.... yeah.

Don't question Chris' logic. It doesn't get you anywhere.

Summercorn wrote:

Loki Glue. Coming to you soon. Stick with Mischief.

I LOL'd.

Well, it actually IS canon that Loki spent some time as a horse. But he was a mare. And was raped / got frisky with a stallion. Somehow, I don't think there is going to be a chapter 2 that introduces this. At least, I hope not.

rae wrote:

Summercorn wrote:

Loki Glue. Coming to you soon. Stick with Mischief.

I LOL'd.

Well, it actually IS canon that Loki spent some time as a horse. But he was a mare. And was raped / got frisky with a stallion. Somehow, I don't think there is going to be a chapter 2 that introduces this. At least, I hope not.

I wouldn't give the author any such credit to know Norse mythology outside the Marvel canon.

Huh. It's less horrible that most we get here, that's a switch. I do wonder what was going through the author's mind when she wrote it though.....

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Wait, how do a "white Belgian warmblood" and a "chestnut Morgan" give birth to a "black Belgian warmblood" and a "golden Morgan". I do not breed horses but that seems off to me.

It is touchingly naive. I don't have the first idea about horse breeds, but Loki could be anything from a Shire to a Shetland and it wouldn't matter what Odin and Frigga were. In fact, since Loki is a different species from the rest of his family he probably should be a zebra or something.

(You see, now I can't remember if zebra can breed with horses. Is it like donkeys, where the breeding can happen, but the offspring is sterile? Is a zebra a different species - can't breed at all- or a sub-species - can breed but sterile?)

If Odin was a Warmblood and so was Thor, I could credit it, because as I said in the OP, Frigga isn't Thor's mother. But here, Thor is the same breed as his step-mother, but a different breed from his father. Which doesn't make sense. Wouldn't that make Thor whatever a cross-breed is in dogs?

I honestly know nothing about colours in horses. If they are bred for colour or they just happen.

WD40 wrote:

For what it's worth - there already is a Horse Thor. (Technically he's a Horse-Skull-faced Alien Thor but whatever.)

He's one of my favorite characters, and I'm always sad when an opportunity to use him gets passed up.


But hay, while we're at it, why not use Frog Thor too?

They are quite simply wonderful WD! The heroic frog is hysterical and brilliant at the same time. I've never hear of Beta Ray Bill before, so thanks for that.

Sheba wrote:

Huh. It's less horrible that most we get here, that's a switch. I do wonder what was going through the author's mind when she wrote it though.....

Actually, I was wondering if it wasn't meant. Staying with my Parents last year, the next-door neighbours kids are always in and out. They're like adopted family. And of the two youngest, the boy was copying an album cover as a project for art and the girl was doing English homework, writing a story based on her favourite character in the book the class just read. Literary fan-fiction, if you will. If we'd done that in my day, we'd have got marked down.

Since the author made it clear, (well, clear as she could!), that this was originally a project for 'Enlgish', I'm guessing her teacher told her to write something based on her favourite film/TV show. She's obviously the right age to be obsessed with horses, so here we are, with this surreal... thing.

rae wrote:

Summercorn wrote:

Loki Glue. Coming to you soon. Stick with Mischief.

I LOL'd.

Well, it actually IS canon that Loki spent some time as a horse. But he was a mare. And was raped / got frisky with a stallion. Somehow, I don't think there is going to be a chapter 2 that introduces this. At least, I hope not.

Thank you rae! Trying to effectively snark less than six hundred words is tricky.

From Wikipedia:

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The gods declare that Loki deserves a horrible death if he cannot find a scheme that will cause the builder to forfeit his payment, and threaten to attack him. Loki, afraid, swears oaths that he will devise a scheme to cause the builder to forfeit the payment, whatever it may cost himself. That night, the builder drives out to fetch stone with his stallion Svaðilfari, and out from a wood runs a mare. The mare neighs at Svaðilfari, and "realizing what kind of horse it was," Svaðilfari becomes frantic, neighs, tears apart his tackle, and runs towards the mare. The mare runs to the wood, Svaðilfari follows, and the builder chases after. The two horses run around all night, causing the building to be halted and the builder is then unable to regain the previous momentum of his work.

The builder goes into a rage, and when the Æsir realize that the builder is a hrimthurs, they disregard their previous oaths with the builder, and call for Thor. Thor arrives, and subsequently kills the builder by smashing the builder's skull into shards with the hammer Mjöllnir. However, Loki "had such dealings" with Svaðilfari that "somewhat later" Loki gives birth to a gray foal with eight legs; the horse Sleipnir—"the best horse among gods and men."

Bolding mine.

It's not made clear whether Loki was raped, (that he tried to outrun Svaðilfari all night, but couldn't and got done, having made himself such a pretty mare), or knowing it would happen he'd decided it the lesser of two evils. But it's dubous consent at best.

And, no, I don't think our naive author is quite ready for Nordic horse M-Preg!

Summercorn wrote:

(You see, now I can't remember if zebra can breed with horses. Is it like donkeys, where the breeding can happen, but the offspring is sterile? Is a zebra a different species - can't breed at all- or a sub-species - can breed but sterile?)

Zebras and donkeys are both subspecies of horse, IIRC. I know they can both make cross babies with horses, and each other. I have even seen ze-donks at fairs before, they are super cute. Like mules with stripey socks.

There is not enough "awwww!" in the world for that picture.

Did not know that was even possible...Damn.

And this fic!? Meh, boring but not really badfic. Besides the fact that she no idea how horses breed.

The fic is kind of cute, but it has fuck-all to do with Avengers. Sometimes the fanbrats deliberately put their fic in the wrong category so that it will get more hits. Posted as an original fic, this might not get any views, or very few. Posted in Avengers? Especially with Loki and Thor as the main characters? Yeah, that's going to get their attention.
Wonder how many readers clicked the back button halfway through.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Summercorn wrote:

(You see, now I can't remember if zebra can breed with horses. Is it like donkeys, where the breeding can happen, but the offspring is sterile? Is a zebra a different species - can't breed at all- or a sub-species - can breed but sterile?)

Zebras and donkeys are both subspecies of horse, IIRC. I know they can both make cross babies with horses, and each other. I have even seen ze-donks at fairs before, they are super cute. Like mules with stripey socks.

You see, there's always someone here who knows. And that picture, grmbl, is too cute.