Bringing us the GAFF classic. Well, not classic. But it was on GAFF.
So, I've been reading my way through the Backstreet Boys fanfiction. And, I have to say, I'm feeling pretty good about the fact that, nearly a hundred fics in, there's no rape.
When suddenly, like a frying pan in the face.
This thing
Assassins.
The front page about sums this up as we see a poorly photoshopped picture of AJ's head, slapped onto a much bigger body, which is dressed in chainmail and holding what looks like a rocket launcher. If your spirits aren't already admiring the inside of your socks from the depths to which they've plunged, the tagline for his picture is: 'AJ needs two strong hands to handle his weapon.'
And the whole thing is written in red on black.
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- Author: MistressCyberia
Wow, what a cool, hard, bitchin' name...
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- aka charlotte
...ahh.
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- Pairing: AJ/Kevin/Nick...and Brian pops up in parts 3 & 4
I have learned something from Backstreet Boys fics. If Howie is in there there's no real certainty of quality. But if Howie isn't there and the other four are, it's a guaranteed load of crap. I have huge admiration for Howie simply based on his fictional self's crapdar and his Houdini-like escape from these stories. As for the other four, poor guys, you may love the Backstreet Boys, hate them, or be totally indifferent. But you have to admit, they don't deserve this.
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- Notes: This is basically a really long visual. The plot is there so I cram as much smut possible in...
Typing with one hand, I tend to miss whole out.
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- so just ignore the plot holes big enough to drive a tour bus through, and look at all the nice smut!!
Oh dear.
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- Also, this is completely AU...the Backstreet Boys don't exist
That's going to come as a blow to their friends and families.
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- And I have exaggerated some characteristics of the [Backstreet Boys] for the sake of humor
Okay.
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- Warnings: This is really twisted...so if you're offended by any of the following, I would suggest you not read it: Violence, smut, language, bondage, s&m, rape, gunplay, knifeplay, leather, crossdressing, and poking fun at standardized religion. I may have missed something...but I think you get the idea. This isn't for the faint of heart. lol
And you have exaggerated
some characteristics of the Backstreet Boys? Either you are grossly projecting and much mistaken, or those five lads have a past deeper, darker and murkier than the North Sea. Although few people I've met would be offended by 'language' in a written piece.
So, on to the actual story. I say again this is Not Work Safe. I'd also like to add that it's Not Brain Safe and furthermore to tack on that it's Not Fucking Anything Safe.
Be it known then that in this AU Kevin and Nick are in a homosexual affair. Brian, being the religious sort, does not like this. He does not like this one bit.
So he takes out a contract on Kevin's life.
Brian here is working on the principle that, although 'thou shalt not kill' is a commandment from God, 'thou shalt not pay someone else to kill' apparently isn't! The kind of semantics I thought was frowned upon by the modern church.
It may come as a surprise to you, it sure came as a surprise to me and I'm pretty damned sure it would come as a surprise to AJ, but he's a master assassin.
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- My hair is purple this week. I’m wearing sunglasses even though it’s night. I have on a white wifebeater, ripped jeans, and black steel-toed boots. A black leather trench coat completes the outfit and hides the shoulder holster containing my .45 Baby Eagle and the Glock in the small of my back. I also have a Beretta stashed in my right boot and knives strapped to both my forearms.
Yes this season's hot look from the fashion house of HitMan at Dystopia! Hell, haven't authors learned yet that bringing your story to a dead stop while you have a fashion parade is horribly jarring?
AJ gets the job to kill Kevin. And the job needs a master assassin because Kevin has a reputation for being near impossible to kill.
So, AJ kidnaps Nick, who is easy to lure away because 1) Nick here is represented as a retard, (literally), who has a mental age of about seven and 2) AJ has a gun and Nick cannot see a gun without getting a hard on.
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- No, hard on is too mild a phrase. This guy’s got a tent in his pants the size of a freakin’ skyscraper.
Well, Nick, I guess that makes you larger than life.
AJ takes Nick to an abandoned warehouse. There's some head, some petting, some bondage, some gunplay and then AJ is knocked to the floor by a third party.
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- Kevin Richardson.
They told me that he’s dangerous.
They told me that he’s impossible to kill.
But they forgot to tell me how incredibly fucking gorgeous he is.
And AJ forgets to kill for that reason. Yes folks, Kevin Richardson is near impossible to kill because anyone getting close enough is completely overborne by his sexual magnetism and general all purpose hotness.
Kevin is a material guy, in that we are told that his tongue is like velvet, his hair is like silk, skin like satin, pubes like mink, etc., etc. We are also variously told his hair is like wings, he's hung like a horse, he roars when he comes, he has eyes like an eagle and a body like a black panther. Even his voice is like 'fur whispering against [the] brain.'
So, you know. Manimal.
Cue much violence and sex, including lubeless anal rape and Kevin and Nick then depart. Remembering afterward that he's forgotten to kill, AJ, pursues.
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- Still, I pull over at the first gas station I see and clean up a little in the bathroom. I buy a bottle of aspirin and some of that funky new-age fruit juice. The clerk gives me a funny look as I pay.
Gee, I wonder why.
I dunno AJ. Maybe it's because you regard fruit juice as funky and new-aged, when there is written historical evidence that it has been drunk for at least six thousand years.
I'd like to get drunk for six thousand years after reading this. Really.
Anyhow, back at Nick and Kevin's apartment the two of them have a little whipping, some oral sex, a pearl necklace and when AJ breaks in, Kevin is asleep and Nick is tied up on a chair with his hard-on in a cock ring. AJ Thoughtfully gives Kevin time to wake up and the whole too sexy to kill so let's shag happens again. Bondage, hand jobs, beating, reaming, anal sex, (with lube this time), yadda yadda.
They have definitely got it goin' on. Except poor Nick who is reduced to attempting to hump the wall. Well, that should show him the meaning of being lonely.
Next day, Brian shows up. Because nothing says smart like hiring someone to commit a capital crime for you then showing up at the scene to leave incriminating evidence yourself. Right? Finding his hit man more, er, hit on than hitting, (AJ, Nick and Kevin having compared their opinions of the taste of AJ's come have reached a point where AJ has handcuffed Kevin and is about to rape him), he goes for his inner pocket. AJ, thinking Brian has a gun, throws him against the wall and kisses him. It turns out Brian was carrying a bible and he shows his dislike for all this fornication and sodomy by hitting AJ with it.
However, even the word of the Lord in hardback cannot poleaxe AJ and he rapes Brian.
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- I plunge in between those rounded cheeks and aw shit, there’s nothing in the world like virgin ass.
It's a Richard Branson company I wasn't aware of. It's like the planes, only with donkeys on the beach. ...Right?
The subsequent damp patch shows Brian enjoyed it.
What can I say? There's a ton of rape, gun sucking, blood licking, dressing up, and a shed load more. Brian, having previously been so against homosexuality he was prepared to take out a contract on his own cousin's life on the matter, suddenly decides after being raped, that he quite likes it.
This was the point when I had to stop reading the story for a brief while in order to nip down to the basement and fetch my jaw back.
Cue more finger fucking, anal sex, humiliation, oral sex,
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- I feel Kevin’s fingers begin to probe between my cheeks and something cool and hard slide into my ass and lodge there.
Fuck. I hate butt plugs.
Mentally, I have an image of Kevin, Brian, Nick and AJ all standing on a shoreline, waving their handkerchiefs and weeping as their last shred of human dignity disappears over the horizon.
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- I put my foot on the gas, and we’re off into the sunrise.
I pray this is when all the Backstreet Boys lived in Florida and that means AJ is heading straight into the ocean.
Beware. Be aware. There are two sequels.
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