Okay, let's wrap up this final penned chapter and hope the author doesn't abandon it... I really want to see the final climactic fight scene between Ironhide and that goth kid with a stick.
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BUT JUST ONE MORE QUOTE FROM THEIR ROLEPLAY FIRST
- Quote :
- He activated his holoform and unbound my hands, he then stood in front of me and I grabbed his servos and held them, palm up in front of him...I then held mine, palm down ontop of his.
"I Emmanuelle, princess of Spiritua offer my guardianship to Megatron, lord high protector of Cybertron. To protect him and serve him with whatever he desires...I shall now bind this offer with my blood and with the blood of the one who I am offering my guardianship to…by the powers invested in myself and the great goddess Spiritua, I grant you my guardianship, from now until either you expire, or you tell me otherwise" I said.
He chuckled as I said it.
"Good femme, and I shall let your canine friend live" he said.
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Chapter 6: IRONHIDE AND ROXIE
aka
Chatper 6: BORING AS FUCK
- Quote :
- She spotted Will wandering around in circles and watched him for a moment.
Because.... what?
She tells him to stop, so he does.
- Quote :
- "Yer bleedin'" she stated.
Will took his thumb out of his mouth and looked at his nail. Indeed, he was bleeding.
- Quote :
- "Thanks. I'll just go put a plaster on this" he said.
Roxanne rolled her eyes, walked over to him, took his thumb in her hand and put it in her mouth. When she brought it out, both could see no blood and Roxanne looked at him.
- Quote :
- "Vampire spit 'as properties that helps the blood clot. That's why we can drink from humans an' not kill 'em" she whispered.
Lemme get this straight:
1. Vampire saliva has procoagulant activity higher than that of a human's.
2. This blood-clotting agent enables them to drink from a human without killing them.
3. The story indicates that this procoagulant effect could stop a hangnail from bleeding in a matter of seconds.
4. Vampires, however, do not feed on hangnails, but rather larger blood vessels, like arteries.
5. I am not aware of any medical literature outlining that it is possible to close a deep puncture wound involving an artery with anything short of super glue, sutures, or both.
6. Having your mouth inadvertently close up a perfectly good feeding spot with the strength of medical-grade closures in a matter of seconds would seem, to me, to make eating problematic.
7. Animals that feed on blood in the
real world, like vampire bats and mosquitoes, have
anti-coagulant agents in their saliva.
8. So they can get enough to eat at mealtime.
9. So they don't die.
Maybe it's just me being ignorant of vampire mythology again, but that whole thing just seems ludicrous. If your saliva has the ability to make your food inedible like that, what the sense does that even make? The whole point of vampires is that they kill people to drink from them, and the times that they elect not to, or the ones that don't like to kill, have something going on psychologically that makes them
different from other vampires, and worthy of writing stories about. Having that safety net built into every single one of them defeats the whole goddamn purpose, or so I would think. And I mean, there are plenty of ways to get blood out of a human non-lethally without this clotting crap too. Remember that time the cat scratched you really bad? Or when you got blood drawn at the doctor's office? Or when your best friend stuck a stick in the spokes of your bike's front tire for kicks while you were riding past them? Or the time you cut your wrists so you'd have an excuse to go visit that hot counselor back in high school?
NEWSFLASH: IT'S POSSIBLE TO BLEED QUITE A BIT WITHOUT DYING.
Erhem. Anyways, yeah, wow. These blood-sucking, vampire-angst scenes between Roxie and Lennox are seriously starting to feel like softcore porn. (I DO know enough about vampire mythology that depictions of blood-drinking is always treated like porn, no exceptions.)
So Ironhide pops in, and tells Main Character that she has to get in so he can drive her to a secluded place someplace on this... atoll... and
molest talk to her.
- Quote :
- Once they were far enough from the hangar, Ironhide stopped and they sat on a hill overlooking a beautiful scene.
"I don't actually know what it looks like in this place where they are. :D"
- Quote :
- "So what did ye wanna talk about?" She asked.
She felt a tingle over her body and looked around.
"What's that?" She questioned.
Ironhide activated his holoform and looked at her.
"It was a scan..." he said.
Now these kinds of things happen a lot in sexual-tension-fueled TF fics where the budding romance happens between a human and a robut. I mean, if a TSA agent does the same thing at the airport, we respond with outrage and lawsuits, but if an Autobot (or I guess, Brad Pitt by extension too) does it, it's suddenly sexy and okay.
- Quote :
- She shrugged and opened the door, getting out and inhaling the air, picking up all the different scents. The smell of the water a few miles away, the scent of the trees just across from her, the scent of the flowers and the chlorophyll in the grass.
"I don't actually know what atolls are too, so just ignore the fact that I have no clue as to what their typical geography is :3"
"Also ignore the fact that I claim to be British and am using imperial measurements."
- Quote :
- "Are your Parental units still functioning?" He asked.
Roxanne looked down and shook her head.
"No...they-they died a long time ago" she said.
Ironhide nodded. He knew the loss of someone close to him. Jazz was his best friend.
You're a ten bagillion year old war veteran, but you only remember one person dying. Then again, nobody really does die in Transformers lore.
Cue lots of really boring dialogue about Ironhide asking her more about them, and what her old "boyfriend" was like and what happened. Because we need to be reminded about it already. The scene ends when she gets hungry.
- Quote :
- Roxanne smiled up at him and then she felt her jaw ache. She was getting hungry.
Is this honestly the only way Vampirererererererex437 knows how to switch scenes? And didn't she fucking eat up Lennox's wrist not an hour before anyways? Jesus Christ.
- Quote :
- "Can yeh take me to town please?" She asked.
Ironhide nodded and transformed. He opened his door and Roxanne got in. Ironhide took her to the town and she went into the butchers. He didn't see what she ordered, but when she came out, she had a brown bag with something in it.
"What is that?" He asked.
Roxanne looked into the bag and smiled.
"Oh it's nothing. Food" she said.
Ironhide huffed and drove them back to the base in Diego Garcia.
"I don't actually know a single thing about Diego Garcia/this place that they're at too, but shhh I don't want anyone to know."
CUT to her stuffing her face with a seemingly bottomless brown bag of butcher shop blood, when Optimus randomly decides to come out and hassle her. It makes me wonder what exactly they do in that hangar all day... judging by the descriptions, they just stand around and stare at the ground, it seems like, until somebody remembers Roxie exists whereupon they go find out what she's doing because she's so interesting and mysterious.
- Quote :
- "Roxanne, are you bleeding?" He questioned.
This was getting annoying. She growled, a deep feral growl that had Optimus taking a step back, and looking at her, strangely.
"Roxanne?" He asked.
She growled again, he was interrupting her meal, and she was getting pissy about it.
I guess she forgets to use her words voice when she's hungry.
- Quote :
- This time Will came out of the base and told Optimus a little lie, saying Ratchet wanted him for something, Roxanne shot around at his voice and looked at him, a feral glint in her eyes. Will knew to leave her alone when feeding, and as much as he didn't want to, he did what she'd told him to do, if she was ever like this. He backed away, slowly, keeping his head low, in a sign of submission, and when he reached the entrance to the base he walked inside.
Okay, the literal vampires turning into feral, mindless monsters when they're hungry has always struck me as being something stupidly hilarious, and this just takes the cake. I'm surprised he didn't open up his jacket to make himself look bigger and make a bunch of noise as he backed away, too.
More dumb shit, and then we get a little reminder that this story has something vaguely resembling an antagonist:
- Quote :
- Johnny walked around outside. There had been no sign of Roxanne in the last few days. No mysterious people going into hospital with animal bites, no mysterious blood drained bodies.
"The bitch...she's fucking up and left. I swear on my life Roxanne Jones...I will find you, and I will kill you" he said.
LOOK OUT, GUISE
KID IS OUT OF CONTROL
What is he going to do, hitchhike to Diego Garcia?
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