The Chronicles of Robo!Preg (Transformers, NSFW)

Allow me to answer a few questions before I commence the snark: yes, the Transformers can have sex. They obviously can't have human!sex but, if one has enough creativity and imagination, one can create several unique means of "sexual" contact and/or pleasure for ANY alien species (including the Transformers) that do not have to be based on human sexual intercourse and sexuality. The same goes for Transformers reproduction; they won't be popping out robo!fetuses from robo!uteruses but with a little bit of imagination and creativity one can divine non-human based means of alien reproduction for the Transformers that can be quite believable. If Ursula K. Le Guinn has taught me anything it's that you have to think outside of the human!box in order to successfully and believably write about aliens.

However, to the immense discredit of my fandom, while a third of the writers have a great deal of creativity and imagination, the other two-thirds...er...let's just say that I encounter a lot of robo!vaginas, robo!penises, and robo!uteruses (you would think that robo!ovaries and robo!testes would be necessary as well but, as I said earlier, the two-thirds of the fandom that write these robo!human!preg fics don't have the creativity to think beyond the robo!fetus stage itself). Such fics are horrid, nauseating, and laughably-hideous spectacles that are so bizarre, so uncreative, and so unbelievable that it would be a shame not to share them with the fine folks on this site. Thus the creation of this thread.

The fics snarked in this topic (which will be updated whenever I have enough time to breathe) will be the best of the worst of Transformers robo!preg fics. The stories will be culled from every series (G1, G2, Robots in Disguise, Beast Wars/Machines, the Unicron Trilogy, the Movieverse, Animated, and, if I ever find any robo!preg fics for this canon, Prime) and every rating category. The majority of these fanfics will be Not Safe for Work due to the presence of robo!humanized!sex and graphic descriptions of robo!birth.

The first story up for snarking is The Miracle of Life by Quebecois fanbrat Supermoi. You will be seeing much more from Supermoi in the future because, out of all of the robo!preg fics I have unwittingly read over my time in the fandom, her stories are the most outrageous and ridiculous. They're written in badly mangled English and are so full of OOC, cliches, and horrendous punctuation that your mind will most likely either be blown or leaking out of your skill by the first two paragraphs of each story. I chose "The Miracle of Life" as the first fic of hers to "critique" because, one, it's mercifully short compared to her other robo!preg stories (and I have Chemistry to do, damnit) and, two, it's the epitome of every bad Transformers robo!preg story on fanfiction.net.

So, let's get cracking!

Quote :

Starscream was sitting restlessly on the couch of the quarters he was now sharing whit is leader – and for a couple of month's now – bondmate. He had a datapad in his right hand and was trying – and failing – to concentrate on it. It was some reports from his fellow Seeker that he had t read and filled, as well. But it was boring him out of his mind…

Paperwork… You can't live with it and you can't live without it either…

INTENSE! PAPERWORK! ACTION!

Three things worth mentioning about this story as indicated by the above paragraph:

1) This is a Generation One Megatron/Starscream fic that has both mechs so out of character they're barely recognizable (Megatron's characterization, however, is the worst of the lot).

2) This is the second story of a four part series. The first story describes how Megatron transitions instantly from Starscream's abusive, dominant, non-consensual lover to his koi-boi simply because Starscream gets knocked up with triplets. After all, BABIEZ = TRU LUV!!1!

3) Yes, the whole story is written like this. Have a bunch of tissues ready for your tears of blood.

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Sighing, the red and white jet threw the padd on the nearby table and leaned back on the couch, on a more comfortable position. Getting comfortable was almost an impossible mission, these days, seeing that he was far ahead in his pregnancy. In a couple of days, at best, his sparklings would be there… He put a hand on his very swollen abdomen, feeling the little movements of the unborn inside his gestation chamber. He closes his optics, shutting them off, and a little dreamy smile spread on his lips components. After six months of carrying around, getting larger and larger, and in the end being restrain to bed rest and grounded because he wasn't able to transform or take off the ground, he was impatient to finally hold the triplets in his arms.

His sparklings… The thought itself was almost too good to be true. His own little Seekerlets. Hook had confirmed two months ago than he was expecting mechs, and Seekerlets as well. A trine of flyers like their mommy. But the bad side was than being pregnant was a real pain on the aft. He couldn't fly anymore, and was plagued with pain all over his joints, particularly in the hip and knees. He ad trouble moving around, and was forced to stay on bed or sitting all the time, now.

That was starting to drive him crazy. Has a Seeker, he NEEDED to fly once in a while. Being denied, even for the sake of carrying sparkling, was a real torture. His slender and sleek forms were history as well… He was dying to recover his handsome frame as well as his fly capability.

So, in case you couldn't tell, in Supermoi's mind Giant Robot Reproduction = Human Reproduction, complete with swollen robotic abdomens, aching robotic joints, robotic mood-swings, robotic pregnancy libidos, and robotic waddling due to said swollen robotic abdomens. Robot morning sickness is also often included in these fics (although it is mercifully absent from this particular specimen).

This fucking fandom.

Also, immense lulz at Starscream being all "maternal" and shit. He'd probably just use the babies for science experiments and/or his highfalutin plots to take over the Decepticons.

(Weird thought, but the thing that bothers me the most about this method of Transformers reproduction (only slightly more than the lack of creativity and imagination on part of the author, the implausibility of robots having sex and reproducing just like humans, and the general stupidity of pregnant giant robots in general) is the whole "swollen metallic abdomen thing". Doesn't it take an immense amount of heat and pressure to cause metal to expand in such a way unless it is extremely malleable? Wouldn't it decrease the general survival rate of the Transformers if they were constructed from such flimsy and malleable alloys as indicated by this story? Also, what happens when the robo!babies are born? Is the abdomen made of magical metal that expands and contracts according to pressure or does the Transformer have to live with a balloon belly for the rest of its life?))

So Megatron comes in and acts completely out out of character by being "paternal" towards his unborn children and tender and loving towards Starscream. They also have humanized!sex (complete with robo!vages and robo!penises); I'm excluding it, however, from this snark due to the fact that if I have to focus on bad robo!human!sex as well as bad robo!pregnancy my brain will liquify and pour out of my ears (pretty much nixing my chances for being admitted to Johns Hopkins).

So let's just cut the chase and get to the robo!labor scene, mmmkay?

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Later that night, Starscream woke up with a start, not knowing what had awoken him. End then, a new sharp, intense wave of pain stab his gestation chamber and he felt a warm, wet liquid run down his legs.

"Megatron!" He shouted, shaking his bondmate roughly. "Huunhh… I… I broke the seal! It's time…"

"What…?" He first said, drowsy, but he felt the pain through the bond.

Yes, yes, you read that correctly--Starscream's "water" just broke. Leave all believability at the door from hereon out.

Quote :

He had warned Hook than the sparklings were due anytime, now, so the birthing room may be already set up. All he had to do beside getting Starscream to the med bay was call Hook to have get down here with his crew.

You see, when you're an evil army run by a megalomaniacal, despotic tyrant who regularly abuses his underlings and is hell-bent on destroying and enslaving the opposing army, it's important to have a maternity ward--complete with proper neonatal care--in your evil base of operations.

Quote :

Starscream tensed and screamed in his armed as another sharp wave of pain runs through him, and Megatron winced, partly feeling it through the bond. He had reached the med bay and he laid his trembling and panting mate down in the berth that had been prepped for this purpose earlier. Not even a minute later, Hook and three of the other cconstructicons enters the med bay, and the medic wasted no time in word when he saw Starscream on the berth.

Christ, Starscream's having robo!contractions now! The majority of robo!preg fanfics usually aren't THIS bad, but Supermoi likes to go above and beyond her fellow writers.

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"MEGATROOON! THAT HURTS!" Yelled the Seeker as a new intense wave of pain washed into his abdomen. He grabbed his bondmate by the forearm tightly and squeezed hard enough to let dents. "TAHTS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU SLAGTARD! HAAAAA!"

"Slagtard"? So the author is not only incompetent, uncreative, and illiterate in English, but she's also an ableist. Wonderful.

("Slagtard"? A fusion of the Transformer insult "slag" and the human "insult" "retard"? What in the fuck does that even mean?)

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"Well, looks like the port as shifted large enough. The sparklings are ready to come out now." Finally announced Hook after the tenth hour of that torture. "Okay, now, Starscream, listen at me. When the next contraction hit, I want you to push as hard as you can. Alright?"

Wait--Starscream has a robo!cervix that can dilate and contract (even though it's made of metal)? And he's going to push the robo!fetuses out of his robo!vage? Normally I would be curious as to what goes on in the mind of a badfic author when they come up with their ideas--but I'd rather not think about what goes on in Supermoi's mind when she comes up with the plots for stories like these.

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"You can do it, Starscream. They're almost here, our seekerlets…" Megatron cheered him up, still holding his hand and squeezing gently.

"Yes… I can't wait to see them…" breathed the jet happily, squeezing back. "They're gonna be so beautiful…"

"Yes… Just like you, my love…"

So Starscream (while sweating and panting--bet you didn't know giant robots could do that, huh?) gives birth to his first unholy abomination, and the Constructicons (bet this scenario wasn't in the job description) clean out its "air vents" and wrap it in a blanket. JUST LIKE WITH COMPLETELY ORGANIC HUMAN BABIES--HOW DOES THIS EVEN MAKE THE TINIEST AMOUNT OF SENSE WHEN APPLIED TO THE SPAWN OF GIANT ROBOTS?

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"Yeah… I am your mommy… Darkwind…" The name had come naturally. It was fitting the little one perfectly.

You know you've been in the Transformers fandom for far too long when you're simply relieved that the robo!fetus was given a normal, Cybertronian-sounding name that makes canonical sense instead of some mangled Sue!designation.

One paragraph of literary torture later and the second implausible robo!baby is popped out in almost the exact same manner as the first one (the two birthing scenes are almost complete copy and pastes of each other with a few words and phrases spliced in and out).

Quote :

After a large push, a little head crowned out the port again.

This scene is going to haunt my nightmares.

Quote :

"Hello, my little angel… Redstar…" Yeah, that name was perfect. His optics shines like tiny red stars on the middle of his red face.

Blech, blech, bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeech. Also, while Redstar is pushing the Sue!nomenclature limits, it's still remotely tolerable.

Quote :

Megatron kissed him gently as he was resting, waiting for the third to make his entry.

"You're the bravest mech I know, Screamer. Only one more and that'll be over…" Whispered the silver giant on his mate's audios gently, kissing his helm softly.

Good GOD, can this fan fiction get any more out of character and contrived?!

Quote :

Starscream moaned in pain again, a new contraction washing through him. Megatron took back the second sparkling and cradle him to his chest along his brother as he waited to see the third birth. Soon, Starscream had to push hard again, but this time, something wasn't quite right. He saw Hook getting worried as the sparkling wasn't coming out after a breem or two. He scans the abdomen carefully, and sees than the little one was coming the wrong way, and wrapped on his energon line. He cursed a bit, and prepped qickly to do a caesarean cut.

"What's wrong! Why my sparkling did wasn't coming out?" Asked Starscream, panicked.

"Calm down, Starscream. The sparkling's coming the wrong way, and he's wrapped in the energon line. I have to open to get him out or you could both deactivates." Explained Hook calmly.

Robo!C-sections? Robo!umbilical cords? Robo!umbilical cord strangulation?

Seriously, people, I cannot make this shit up.

(Wait a minute--why would a robo!baby need to breathe in order to survive? Also, since Transformer necks are made of metal like the rest of them, wouldn't it be hard for a robo!umbilical cord (whatever the fuck THAT'S made out of) to strangle the robo!fetus? I mean, their bodies aren't composed of soft metals like lead or aluminum, for Christ's sake.)

Quote :

A couple of klicks later, the armour plating covering Starscream gestation chamber was removed and his thing, fragile metal skin exposed. Carefully, he opend the distended abdomen with a laser scalpel and peeled down the flesh to expose the curled up, tightly wrapped sparkling. He slowly and very carefully removed the tiny, mostly silver with red stripes sparkling from the womb cavity after cutting the lines that had prevented hi to get out naturally. As soon as the sparkling was out, he lay him down a little examination table, and cleared his vents before wrapping him in a blanket. But the sparkling wasn't crying still… Lifting him carefully, he turned him upside down and gently slapped his back to clear his air pump, which must be clogged in fluids.

"C'mon little one… Don't do this to me… Megatron'll deactivate me if you die on me… Breathe!"

He let out relieved sigh when a loud wail came out of the tiny being after he coughed out a large amount of fluids. Smiling, he wrapped him again and handed him to Megatron, who looks like he had held his breath the whole time. Once he had the sparkling in his hand – he was the tiniest of the three, not even covering all his palm – he smiled in relief and then presented him to Starscream, who was crying in pure relief and joy when he saw his baby alive and well.

"This one's a fighter. He'll do great things when he grows up… Just like his father." Commented the Decepticon Lord with pride.

Calming down in his mommy's arms, the sparkling looked in awe at the large being above him, but all he felt was warmth and love, so he was comforted. He cooed and chirped away loudly, wrapping a tiny hand around his daddy's digit, not even circling it.

Christ, even Grey's Anatomy isn't this hammy and melodramatic!

Quote :

"And he's as loud as his mommy…" Laughed Starscream tiredly. "Hello, Silverstream. Welcome to the world… You gave the heck of a scare, little one."

Err...ahhhhh...okay, this name passes the canon!test as well, despite the silver component.

Quote :

The three sparklings and Starscream were exhausted, yawning and slowly falling into recharge. Megatron wasn't in better shape, after more than sixteen hour of labour. He was starting to follow his little family to the recharge world, and he climbed on the berth alongside his mate and sparklings, wrapping his arms around them possessively.

And they were all smote by the canon gods and died. The end.

...I wish.

Well, the good news is that the stories from hereon out can't get much worse than this one in terms of robo!preg and writing quality. The bad news is that the stories in general are going to get much, much longer and much, much worse in terms of plot and characterization. I'll hopefully see you all back here for the next installment, but if you all decide to run screaming at the mere site of this thread from now on, I'll completely understand.

Peace out.

I will never understand why anyone would WANT to write a story about giant robots having babies. ...WHY?? What the hell is wrong with writing about humans, if all you wanted to write about was humans having babies (which it really looks like they did). I can understand doing it like you said, being creative and coming up with different ways it could be plausible... But this is just "LOL take human method of reproduction, make a robot do it!!" And if it's basically just the human method... how does the mpreg fit in here? Sounds like he just has the anatomy of a female. Oh wait. I forgot that's how nearly all mpreg treats it. :/

...And ugh god, that sex scene.

Although, to be honest, I didn't find the actual writing itself to be that awful. Sure, there were a few words here and there that weren't quite right, but English is her second language. It wasn't completely unreadable. The content, however...