Austin Powers: International Man of Pedophilia.

I don't even know how to introduce this, so I'll let the author.

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Hello readers of earth and beyond!

I just watched all the Austin Powers movies and they are freakin' awesome! This story came to me like lightning so I hope you like it! Enjoy!

As you can see, we're sure in for a treat. The story is called You will NEVER Shag me and completely confuses the hell out of me.
It somehow manages to take Austin Powers, and make it not funny. At all.

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My name is Roxanne Richards. But everyone calls me Roxy (except my mom). I have been a secret agent for the CIA since I was fifteen years old.

I know what you're thinking. How did a fifteen year-old get such a kickass job? Well, my mom was my boss's assistant and when she brought me to work one day, my boss saw that I had the badass material to be a part of the force. And so my training began.

Because that happens.
And how often to C.I.A Employees bring their kids to work? Especially when they're 15. Couldn't she just be left at home? Or was she too badass for that?
And how old is she now? She doesn't even mention how much time had passed since then and now. Was it yesterday? a month ago? two years?? NOBODY KNOWS!

So she leaves her BADASS training to go to a club, where her friends Snow and Joey are playing. I guess she's in the band too.

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"Hey Frankie so I'll be singing tonight, as usual?" I asked him and he nodded. "Of course darling, you were born to rock out on stage." I smiled wider. "Thanks dude." I said.

C.I.A Agent. Rocker.
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So then the band preforms, doing a cover, and they're SUPER MEGA AWESOME, in usual Mary-Sue fashion.

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I looked at Austin again. "The dude who was frozen for thirty years?" I asked. "If you put it that way baby, then yes." Austin replied. I pointed my finger at Austin and gave him serious face.

Srs.

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I started to walk away when I heard Commander Huet scream, "But what if I double the money you're making now?"

I pictured that as some sort of battle cry, while he stands dramatically and looks up at the ceiling.

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I sighed. "Alright since we can't take your car, we'll take my bike." I said walking behind a car. "You ride around on a bicycle? And I thought you were a badass chick." I then rounded the corner on my black Harley motorcycle. I stopped it in front of Austin. I raised an eyebrow at him. "You were saying?" He mouth was slightly ajar and he was babbling nonsense to himself. I rolled my eyes.

.... I don't even have a smartass remark for that. It's just.... too stupid for ANYTHING smart to come from it.

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I parked my bike in the usual spot and got off and so did Austin. He followed me up to my perfectly sized apartment.

wouldn't 'perfectly sized' be a matter of preference? So Is this place tiny, or is it some huge fancy apartment?
Ok, maybe I'm getting technical.... but still.

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Austin smiled and said, "It feels great to be regcognized Mrs. Richards."

I also enjoy the odd regcognizing.

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I didn't think she would give Austin a straight answer, but I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I was also wrong. Gay wrong.
/reference maybe one person will get.

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"Because, Roxanne has always had trouble with meeting the right guy. She's never had a boyfriend and she hasn't even slept with a man yet or even get her first kiss."

What a great mom. Telling a strange man about her daughters non-existent sex life. I wish my mom was that cool.

NOT.


And there you have it. Unfunny, boring, and typical Mary-Sue fic.
About Austin Powers.

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[This story came to me like lightning so I hope you like it!

Translation: I wrote this in ten minutes. Beta reader? What's that?

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I know what you're thinking. How did a fifteen year-old get such a kickass job? Well, my mom was my boss's assistant and when she brought me to work one day, my boss saw that I had the badass material to be a part of the force. And so my training began.

That is not what Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is supposed to be about!

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Snow and Joey have been my best friends forever. Snow's real name is Rachel but everyone calls her Snow, because she looks a lot like snow white. Joey's real name is Johanna, but when we were younger I couldn't say her name so well. So I called her Joey to make it easier for me.

Real-life best friends inserted? Check.

Two block paragraphs of copypasted lyrics later . . .

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I looked over to the sixties guy. He had male symbol necklace, multi-colored shirt and red jeans, these dorky glasses that made his eyes look big and puppy dog like, a lovely shade of light brown hair that looked nice on him, and his teeth were horrid.
"Who's the dude?" I asked nodding my head to the sixties guy. "What did you just call me?" The sixties guy asked in a British accent. "Correction, 'Who's the British dude?" I asked the Commander.

I don't get it. What's so offensive about "dude"?

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Austin then smiled a smile that he and some whore would think is sexy. "Oh come on, I know I make you horny, baby."
I slapped him across the face. "What was that for?" Austin yelled. "The first slap is for calling me baby. And the second is to show that you will never turn me on!" I yelled back at him. He smirked. "But you turn me on." I groaned in annoyance.

You know what's going to happen. Uh huh.
So she takes him home to meet Mom.

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When we entered I heard the sizzling of the stove from the kitchen. "Ma! I'm home." I yelled to her.
Austin looked confused. "You live with your mother?" He asked. I shook my head. "No, she lives with me. I pay the rent and she just lives here cuz she doesn't have no job to pay for her own apartment." I replied and Austin nodded.

Riiiiight. She lives with you. That's the way it is. Totally.

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Because, Roxanne has always had trouble with meeting the right guy. She's never had a boyfriend and she hasn't even slept with a man yet or even get her first kiss."
I dropped my fork and stared at her wide eyed. "Ma!" I screeched. "What it's true!" She yelled back. "You are such an embarrasment." I mumbled hitting my head on the table.

Yeah, Ma, tell the whole world, why don't you? Sheesh!
You get the feeling this is a real conversation the author has had with her parents?

No? Just me?

So she has a hissy fit and runs to her room. Which is what any good CIA agent would do, right?

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My room was a dark grey and brown color with Joan Jett and the Blackhearts poster everywhere. I looked around and I felt tears well in my eyes. I wanted to scream so I did.

And that's it for now. It hasn't been updated since October.

Let's look at the reviews, shall we?

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[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [url=http://www.whygodwhy.org/javascript:var t = xwindow('http://login.fanfiction.net/report_review.php?reviewid=119076361',560,510);][You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][/url] [url=http://www.whygodwhy.org/javascript:var t = xwindow('http://login.fanfiction.net/report_review.php?reviewid=119076361',560,510);][You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][/url]narnianofcairparavel
2011-01-16 . chapter 2this is great hope you update soon xx

Good God, I hope not.

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[url=http://www.whygodwhy.org/javascript:var t = xwindow('http://login.fanfiction.net/report_review.php?reviewid=114694136', 560, 510);][You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][/url] DiaxxxMonde
2010-11-04 . chapter 2 Your plot is great! And I love the story, Austin is definitly in character, the only work that needs to be done is on your grammer. Everything else is great, just proofread a little bit more.

He is? Didn't seem like it to me.

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[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [url=http://www.whygodwhy.org/javascript:var t = xwindow('http://login.fanfiction.net/report_review.php?reviewid=113357651',560,510);][You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][/url][You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ValueMyHeart
2010-10-11 . chapter 2 ohhh... I am glad i came across this. update soon!

Why? Just . . . why? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Her mom doesn't have a job, despite being the one to introduce Roxie-Sue to the CIA higher-ups?

"

Sheba wrote:

Her mom doesn't have a job, despite being the one to introduce Roxie-Sue to the CIA higher-ups?

"

Course not, silly. Roxie was obviously so badass, she made her mom redundant and reduced her to a lifetime of staying at home and cooking for her 15-year-old CIA agent daughter!

JizzMasterZero wrote:

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I didn't think she would give Austin a straight answer, but I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I was also wrong. Gay wrong.
/reference maybe one person will get.

I GETS IT!!

Damn, that story is awful.

your mom wrote:

JizzMasterZero wrote:

Quote :

I didn't think she would give Austin a straight answer, but I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I was also wrong. Gay wrong.
/reference maybe one person will get.

I GETS IT!!

Damn, that story is awful.

You were the ONE person I was betting on guessing it XD

JizzMasterZero wrote:

your mom wrote:

JizzMasterZero wrote:

Quote :

I didn't think she would give Austin a straight answer, but I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I was also wrong. Gay wrong.
/reference maybe one person will get.

I GETS IT!!

Damn, that story is awful.

You were the ONE person I was betting on guessing it XD

And lookie that! You were right! :D

your mom wrote:

JizzMasterZero wrote:

your mom wrote:

JizzMasterZero wrote:

Quote :

I didn't think she would give Austin a straight answer, but I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I was also wrong. Gay wrong.
/reference maybe one person will get.

I GETS IT!!

Damn, that story is awful.

You were the ONE person I was betting on guessing it XD

And lookie that! You were right! :D

Time to let everyone in on the joke?

Notanoni wrote:

your mom wrote:

JizzMasterZero wrote:

your mom wrote:

JizzMasterZero wrote:

Quote :

I didn't think she would give Austin a straight answer, but I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I was also wrong. Gay wrong.
/reference maybe one person will get.

I GETS IT!!

Damn, that story is awful.

You were the ONE person I was betting on guessing it XD

And lookie that! You were right! :D

Time to let everyone in on the joke?

It's just a reference to the show 'Drawn Together', that's all.

I have just one thing to say about this story...

KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

On this occasion, I'd like to quote Avril Lavigne: "What the hell?"



When I was a teenager, I wrote some self-inserts myself, but they had the decency of, I don't know, growing up before becoming everyone's favourite heroine.

And honestly, who the fuck has the hots for Austin Powers? The mind boggles.

The Scientist wrote:

And honestly, who the fuck has the hots for Austin Powers? The mind boggles.

What the internet has made blatently clear to me is that anyone can have the hots for anything. If grown middle-aged women can fall in love with and marry Optimus Prime; a 15 year old girl can definitely fancy Austin Powers.

People have always had odd fetishes which they kept quiet, the only difference being now that the internet has made it ok to accept and broadcast one's unusal fetishes.

....kill it with fire.

That is oh so true.

The thing is, I would be ashamed of writing something like that and posting it on the internet, for all the world to know who I fancy. My worst self-insert fics I wrote for myself and my sister, well knowing they are stupid. It's fun to write crap, but jeez, don't these people get embarrassed by the thought of having everyone and his dog poking fun at their preferences?

I know I would.

I drool, too, but I do it in private....more or less, at least.

And I always thought my taste in men was a little weird....

The Scientist wrote:

...but jeez, don't these people get embarrassed by the thought of having everyone and his dog poking fun at their preferences?

I know I would.

These are the same idiots who would get praise from their parents for the wonderful design they made by smearing their loaded diaper on the wall.

It's stories like this that make me extremely glad the internet didn't exist when I was a teenager. By the time I finally got access to it, I'd long since outgrown my self-insert and blatant fangirling stage. The vast majority of what I wrote when I was young is either long gone or stuffed away in the chest where I keep things that serves no real purpose but I don't want to get rid of. Some of it's not half bad and could probably, with some re-writing, be made into reasonably decent original fiction.

My fanfic is scattered across the internet, under a variety of pen names, and most of it's not half bad either (I'm basing my assessment on the amount of positive reviews I've received-it could just be my reviewers have shitty taste). But since I now write nothing but slash, we don't have to worry about self-inserts, and the men I consider attractive are, in most cases, old enough to be some of the people on the board's grandfathers.

In a world where people Tweet all their friends when they're having sex for the first time and everyone and their dog has a blog, it's not really that strange that a lot of young people assume anything they say (or write) is fascinating. I mean, they're interested in it, so that must mean the rest of the world is too, right?

I blame Live Journal.


When I was fifteen, I wrote customised fics about my friends and the boys they fancied at school. However, I was smart enough not to post any of that online. I still own most of it in printed form.

Braigwen wrote:

These are the same idiots who would get praise from their parents for the wonderful design they made by smearing their loaded diaper on the wall.

OMFG, I died at this. It's soooo true. I am honestly afraid to see the next generation, because it will be filled with selfish, greedy, entitled little brats.

Okay that might be an unfair generalization.

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"Who's the dude?" I asked nodding my head to the sixties guy. "What did you just call me?" The sixties guy asked

What's with the indirect garble here? Why can't she just have said "he"?

I also had my fair share of self-insert fanfics as a teenager, but on a severe level.
I basically just wrote myself into the fandom. My name, my likes, dislikes.
Except I made myself be a rich movie star whom everyone adored and wanted to date.
I love reading my old stories now (I have about 12 notebooks) they make me laugh so hard.
Luckily, when I wrote them, only my best friend at the time read them.

But I have some seriously old and seriously bad slash fics floating around the internet somewhere. I'd love for someone to eventually find and snark them someday XDD

Thankfully, the internet wasn't all that popular in 1998 in my part of the country. Not for posting stories, at least. We used to cluster around the computer, check into chatrooms and pretend we were one woman in her twenties. It was hilarious, and people did so not realise they were being fooled.

...People actually write Mary Sue self-inserts about Austin Powers? I thought part of the humor was that he's not physically attractive in the least. This author apparently has no understanding of irony.

Owlish wrote:

...People actually write Mary Sue self-inserts about Austin Powers? I thought part of the humor was that he's not physically attractive in the least. This author apparently has no understanding of irony.

Blasphemy! Austin is the most attractive thing in this and every other universe that has existed, exists or will exist!
Christ, that sentance was hard to write.

But yes, this fic deserves to burn in hell.