The Return of mrsphan

Wandering Critic wrote:

Abby must have some really unusual anatomy. First we have this:

blood that still gushed from a gunshot wound low in her abdomen

And a few sentences later we have this:

Her breathing grew ragged as her lungs began to fill with blood

Okay, maybe I'm weird, but my abdomen is full of intestines; I keep my lungs in my chest. I thought everybody did it that way

Clearly, the bullet ricocheted off the front of her spine and tore through her lungs, where it remains lodged. :hmm:

Oh wait, fangirl, sorry.

'DONT U BRING DAT ANATOMEE SCIENCE CRAP IN HURR!!!!'

Update: her story appears to have been taken off Haldirs Whores; indeed
they've deleted their fanfic section, ostensibly because it wasn't
getting enough use: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Did someone go and troll them, or did they get rid of the section to stop stuff like mrsphan's fics being posted? They link to some other fanfic sites; I'll see if she's migrated again to any of those.

Edit: I return! I didn't find Mrsphan, but I did find this instant Mary Sue fic generator:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Quote :

AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE


Ringalingalasse sighed heavily as she threw her velvet cloak to the floor. Feisty anger flashed in her red eyes. 'Curse you father!' she muttered to herself under her breath. 'An arranged marriage! How could you do this to me... your only daughter! Have you no care for my own happiness?' She flopped over onto her soft silk-sheeted bed and glanced around at the empty room. Tears began to flood her eyes and roll softly down her porcelain cheeks. 'I cannot marry another,' she said in a voice no louder than a whisper. 'I cannot, for my true love is Legolas.'

Standing, Ringalingalasse walked solemnly to the window that overlooked the city of Milkwood. The sun was just setting for the night, casting a golden glow over the countryside. But the beauty of the scene touched not Ringalingalasse's heart, for it was saddened by the news that had been given to her only hours before. She was to be married to Bobiel, who was a close personal friend of her father's. She had been given no say in this matter- it was arranged behind her back. And there was no turning away from it now. Tomorrow, she would leave for Mondor to meet her future husband. And the day following, they would be wed.

Ringalingalasse clutched at the windowsill until her knuckles turned white, and she wept bitter tears. How could this be happening? All her life, she had been happy and carefree, and now this trouble... What had she done to deserve such a fate? Slowly, and with the blur of tears still in her vivid red eyes, she paced about her bedroom. All she could think of now was Legolas, and how the news would break his heart.

They had met two summers ago in Rivendale, when Ringalingalasse had gone for a ride in the country with her mother and sisters. But when Ringalingalasse had strayed off the path to follow an adorable baby ferret, she had become separated from her family and hopelessly lost. Then out of nowhere a band of orcs had appeared to attack her. By some stroke of luck, she happened to have her father's shuriken hidden secretly within the folds of her skirt. But though she managed to kill 42 of the foul creatures, she was soon outnumbered.

Then just as she though her life would be ended, a beautiful dream-like vision appeared before her. The deadly warrior who had come to her rescue, a handsome Elf, quickly killed off the remaining 43 orcs with his bazooka that fires dinosaurs before rushing to Ringalingalasse's side.

It was love at first sight. The moment she looked into his sparkling blue eyes, Ringalingalasse knew there would never be any other for her. 'My name is Legolas,' he said in a voice soft as the summer wind. Tenderly, he put a hand on her breast to make sure she was alright. 'Are you hurt, my lady?' he asked.

'No,' she replied. In truth there was a bad cut on her womanhood, but she didn't want to worry Legolas. 'And my name is Ringalingalasse.'

'Ringalingalasse,' Legolas repeated. He said the name as if savouring the sound of it on his tongue. 'That is a beautiful name, fit for so beautiful a lady.'

Ringalingalasse blushed coyly. She could feel his eyes wandering over her body, from head to foot, as he took in the sight of her laying on the grass. In truth, she was beautiful. Unusually so, some said. Her father came from the line of Orcs of Hobbiton, while her mother was born into a lordly house of Ents in Mount Doom. The blending of the two races came together perfectly in Ringalingalasse, giving her an exotic look that few males found they could resist. Large almond-shaped bright red eyes were framed perfectly by shimmering waves of thick white hair that fell to her waist. A Silmaril-encrusted mithril pendant hung ever from her slender white neck, accentuating the delicate frame of her collarbone.

Suddenly, Ringalingalasse and Legolas were interrupted by a wild cry that signified more orcs still lurked nearby. 'Come,' said Legolas as he hurried Ringalingalasse to her feet. 'It is not safe to linger here. You must come with me, and hurry!' Taking Ringalingalasse's hand, he hastened away from the sound. Ringalingalasse did her best to keep up with him, but the pain in her womanhood was too great.

'My lady!' gasped Legolas when he saw her lagging behind. 'You are injured!' Immediately he sat her down to examine the wound. Blood had already started to soak through her gown in an ugly red stain. 'I must tend to this wound now as best I can,' he said. 'We will find a healer later, but for now this cannot wait.' Without a second thought, he pulled off his codpiece and began tearing it into bandages for Ringalingalasse's womanhood.

With this makeshift bandage in place, Ringalingalasse and Legolas were able to hurry on their way. The cries of orcs were ever-present behind them, but they ran swiftly. Soon, Ringalingalasse found herself in front of a small cabin, which she guessed must belong to Legolas. He held the door open as he stepped inside, beckoning for her to follow him. 'Come in,' he said. 'We will be much safer in here.'

Ringalingalasse took a deep breath as she stepped toward the cabin door. Here she was, a young virgin noblewoman, about to be alone in a cabin with someone she had just met. It was true he was the most handsome Elf she had ever seen, and he had just saved her life, but were his true intentions that noble? And what would her family, especially her father, say once they found out where she had been? Ringalingalasse had half a mind to run back home right then, but as she heard the clamour of orcs drawing nearer once more, she realised she had no choice. She steeled her will and followed Legolas into the cabin, shutting the door firmly behind her.

*****

THE END

There's also a bad slashfic generator: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Quote :

TRUE LOVE BY FATE


It was a dark and stormy night. An unnatural haze lingered over the castle of Milkwood. In his bed, Legolas shivered. For a summer night, the air was cold and the sky was black. It was almost as if something evil lurked out there in the shadows.

Legolas rolled over, clutching his pillow, and tried to fall back asleep. But a worry nagged in the back of his mind. Something was not right. No matter how he tried, some ghostly force prevented him from sleeping. It made him uneasy. With a sigh, he rolled out of bed, pulled on his codpiece, and poured himself a cup of water from the pitcher on his nightstand. Quietly, he left his room.

The halls were silent as he walked in the dark. He did not know where he was going, or why, but his body seemed to move on its own accord. He was being drawn by an unseen power. Past his father's bedroom, past the dining hall, past the secret secluded sex room, and out onto the terrace. With the moon hidden behind thick clouds, it was nearly impossible to see in the inky black night. But something lying on the path to Legolas's right made him gasp in shock. A body!

'Surprise!!' Legolas shouted. He leapt over the terrace railing and onto the ground below, running toward the fallen form as fast as he could. Tree branches scratched at his skin and pulled at his clothes, but he paid them no mind. Heart pounding, he fell to his knees on the pathway and placed a gentle hand on the figure's bone.

Now that he was closer, he could see that this was a young Man of Torchwood Hub, a Captain by the looks of him, who appeared to be no more than 42 years old. But he was in dire need of help. His clothes were torn and bloody, and his hair was matted with shit. He needed the attention of a healer, immediately. Without a second thought, Legolas picked up the wounded Captain and, cradling him in his arms, carried him inside to seek the help that was so desperately needed.

*****

'His situation is severe,' Thranduil said in a worried voice. 'Whether or not he will live until morning is beyond my sight. My team of healers will do the best they can, but...' his voice trailed off.

Legolas could sense his fear. There was a good chance the young Man might die. 'Is there anything I can do to help?' he asked.

Thranduil sadly shook his head. 'Nothing the healers are not already trying. But it might help if you just sat with him. He will need to see a friendly face when he wakes up from this ordeal, and you are the closest thing he has right now.'

'I understand,' said Legolas. 'And I will stay with him for as long as it takes. I will not let him die.'

With that, Legolas turned and hurried to the room where the wounded Captain was being housed. He was surrounded by healers, all of whom wore the same concerned expression. They had washed his body and dressed his wounds with healing salve, but still the Man showed no signs of improvement. His breathing was shallow, and his pulse was weak. One of the healers turned to Legolas with a defeated sigh.

'It will be an uphill battle,' she said. 'We have done all we can at this time. Now, we can only wait and see if he wakes.'

Legolas nodded resolutely. 'I will stay with him through the night and keep watch as he sleeps.'

One by one, the healers left the bedside, the last one closing the door behind her. In the flickering candle light, Legolas dipped a square of cloth in the bowl of warm water left by the healers, and gently used it to stroke the injured Man's manroot. Then, taking up the Captain's limp hand, he settled into his bedside chair and prepared to wait through the remainder of the long, cold night.

*****

'Where... where am I?'

Legolas jerked awake with a start when he heard the words being spoken. He stared down at his patient, an immense wave of relief coursing through his body. The Man was alive! And from the looks of things, he was on his way to making a full recovery.

'You are in the castle of Milkwood,' Legolas told him. 'I found you last night, lying unconscious and nearly dead on a path coming from the forest. I carried you inside, and my father's healers tended to your wounds. Please, tell me your name and how you came to be here.'

'My name is Jack Harkness,' said the Man. 'I come from Torchwood Hub. I was on an errand from my father, to deliver an important message to Mr. T in Far Far Away. But last night... All I remember is that I was riding through the forest when suddenly I was attacked by a group of flying monkeys. At least 664 surrounded me. I tried to escape, but there were so many, and I had only my bazooka that fires dinosaurs for protection. And that is the last thing I recall. I do not know how I came to be here, or why I am not dead.'

Legolas smiled at him. 'The stars must shine favourably on you. To live through such an ordeal... that is more than mere luck.' It was more than luck, too, that Jack Harkness had wound up in the castle of Milkwood and Legolas had found him. Now that they two were together, it felt almost like fate had lent a hand. Jack Harkness was meant to be here, and Legolas was meant to have found him. Why, Legolas did not know. But it felt so certain.

It also did not hurt that Jack Harkness was one of the most beautiful individuals Legolas had ever seen. His sleek red hair contrasted with large, dark blue eyes set in a lovely face. And his sculpted body, half-hidden by the bed linens, was a further attraction. Legolas could hardly suppress his desire to run his hands over that soft hair and perfect body. But he kept his feelings under control. Jack Harkness had just barely survived a nearly fatal encounter. Now was not the time for romance.

*****

Within three days, Jack Harkness had improved enough to leave his bed. Thranduil gave him a new set of clothes, and he was able to wander the corridors and gardens by himself. But the one thing that troubled him was Legolas's absence. Since the morning when he'd first awoken in the castle of Milkwood, he had not seen Legolas at all. It was as if his rescuer had simply disappeared. He had asked Thranduil where his son could be, but Thranduil had no answer. Legolas was gone without a trace.

Jack Harkness desired to speak with Legolas again, and properly thank him for saving his life. But he also just wanted to see the handsome Elf once more. He could not explain it, but he felt a deep connection to Legolas, either forged by the lifesaving bond or some other power. He knew that Legolas was someone special. Someone he had to see again.

It wasn't until the sixth day after Jack Harkness had recovered that Legolas returned to the castle of Milkwood. He rode up the same path where Jack Harkness had been found, dragging a net filled with the heads of flying monkeys behind him. All 664 of them.

'Here are your flying monkeys!' he called to Jack Harkness. 'I found them hiding out in a cave not far from here.'

Jack Harkness stared in surprise, eyes going wide. 'You killed... all of them by yourself?'

'I cannot let such dangerous creatures roam free in our lands,' Legolas replied. 'And I did it for you. They nearly killed you. I do not want anything like that to happen again.'

Jack Harkness could feel his heart pounding as Legolas spoke. Legolas killed those flying monkeys... for him. Before he could stop himself, he leapt at Legolas and threw his arms around his neck, kissing the brave Elf on the dong.

Legolas laughed in surprise, but did not pull away. 'What was that for?'

'Just a thank you,' Jack Harkness said. He smiled, but when he saw the suddenly serious look in Legolas's eyes, the smile faded. 'What is wrong?' he asked, worried.

'Jack Harkness,' said Legolas, 'I have to confess something to you. That first morning you were here... I thought you were so beautiful. I wanted to kiss you then, but I did not know how you would react.

Jack Harkness gasped in shock. 'Kiss... me?'

'I told myself I must not, because of the terrible ordeal you had just suffered. It was not the right time. But these past few days while I was gone, I could think only of you the entire time. And now...'

'Legolas...' Jack Harkness sighed his name. 'I thought about you too. All the time, while you were gone. I was worried I would never see you again.'

Legolas lifted his hand to gently stroke Jack Harkness on the cheek. 'I am sorry I ran off like that. I should have said something to you.'

Taking a deep breath, Jack Harkness said, 'Legolas, there is something I have been considering over the past several days. I think we were meant to find each other. What happened to me... it was no accident of fate. I was meant to come here. You were meant to rescue me.'

A bright smile broke across Legolas's face as soon as Jack Harkness had spoken. 'You know,' he said, 'I had been thinking the same thing! That night when I found you I had been worried an unable to think. Some strange power led me out to the terrace, and that was when I saw you.'

Jack Harkness took Legolas's hand. 'So you think... we are meant to be together?'

'I have no doubt of it.' Slowly, Legolas leaned in and kissed Jack Harkness softly on the lips. 'I love you,' he whispered.

'I love you too, Legolas,' Jack Harkness whispered in return.

*****

THE END

Aw man, she managed to rape one of my fandoms, L&O: CI. Logan wandered off and became a freakin' sheriff. Goren and Eames are newlyweds, complete with Pod!Goren calling his blushing Pod!bride "sweetheart" in the middle of the squad room.

Can't wait to see what this asshat has in store for Nichols. :panic:

You know, if you give that slashfic a minute or two of editing, you could throw it up on the Crossovers section of the Pit and get about two hundred squeeing reviews in the first week. And the saddest part of this is that, post-Children of Earth, it can easily be made plausible, regardless of whether you treat Middle Earth as past Earth, future Earth, alien world, parallel universe, or even fictional world. That's the Whoniverse for you.

Dear God, a week ago, I would have read something like that and went into Petit Mal Rage. Today, I actually thought of at least four or five different ways to get it to work. Rusty, what have you done?

The Spie wrote:

You know, if you give that slashfic a minute or two of editing, you could throw it up on the Crossovers section of the Pit and get about two hundred squeeing reviews in the first week. And the saddest part of this is that, post-Children of Earth, it can easily be made plausible, regardless of whether you treat Middle Earth as past Earth, future Earth, alien world, parallel universe, or even fictional world. That's the Whoniverse for you.

Dear God, a week ago, I would have read something like that and went into Petit Mal Rage. Today, I actually thought of at least four or five different ways to get it to work. Rusty, what have you done?

You're suffering from delayed shock. I suggest you rewatch Seasons One and Two of Torchwood, find a picture of RTD, affix it to a dartboard, and throw darts at it till you regain senses.

I see she's changed her FFNet username to 'herves vuin' ('beloved wife') Question for I_Lam_Edhellen - is that right?

Yup. It's what I recommend instead of "my wife" as an endearment, because owning people isn't as flattering in Sindarin as it is in English.