Julian Assange The Hedgehog!

Ok guys, I feel like I haven't snarked anything in a while, so, after a few minutes of ploughing through 'New Releases', I've found this fanfiction, 'Wikitreats'. Yes, of course fanfiction is an excellent soapbox for your views about government/whatever else! And what better than to cross over Wikileaks with than Sonic the hedgehog?
This is a Sonic fanfiction, starring none other than Julian Assange as some sort of government-created hedgehog, with a creation story that seems a lot like Shadow's. Woah, and I hadn't even gotten over 'Stephen Colbert the hedgehog' yet.

We start off in a place called 'Emerald Castle', and there's a lab inside it for some reason. There's also a tube, and inside the tube, there is a 'silvery white hedgehog', who I can only imagine looks exactly like Silver the hedgehog. (Spoiler: This is later revealed to be Julian Assange.)
There's some wank about the 'oppressive government system', but I'll spare you all that and just tell you that Sonic and co have been in charge of the government ever since Eggman has been 'executed by rebels'. But surely, with Sonic in charge, that will all change, and everything will be all better, right? Everyone in Mobius holding hands and singing songs as Sonic, the leader of Mobius, creates peace and prosperity for all...

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Once they had got into the government system however, the power slowly corrupted them, until the darkness consumed them and they were even worse than Eggman ever was.

OH SHIT

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The people who lived in Mobius would get beaten up brutally if they stepped out of line of the view of the oppressive government, and the army were known to give daily beatings to people who walked the street late at night, as there was now a strict curfew. But a rebellion was brewing, with civillians rioting in different cities, all across Mobius. The hedgehog in this tube was to put a stop to this.

Alright alright, we get it, government = bad.
There's a 'government official' who is looking into the tube, when suddenly, OOC Shadow and Sonic show up to check up on 'Project Julian'.

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"Wazzup foo'," Shadow said, "Yo, how's dat hedgehog hangin'?"
The official sighed, Shadow was speaking more and more like this these days. He desired to be more like the kids he saw playing on the street. Even though he had sent out of the police to round them up and beat them, he envied their simple life, and so copied their way of speech.

They have such a simple life, getting beat up daily and all that. Also, what in the hell does 'he had sent out of the police' mean?

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"Yeah," Sonic said, "How's our little 'project' coming along?"
"He's coming along very well, your highness," the official answered, "He's got all the powers you requested. Invisibility, force field creation, water powers, pyrokenetics..."

"My Marty Stu is Julian Assange... who's your Marty Stu?"

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"Excellent work dawg," Shadow laughed, "Yo, I think I hear Tails coming!"
And very soon, everyone else could hear Tails flapping his tails and flying into the room.
"Yo Shadow!" Tails said, mimicking the person who he saw as an old brother figure, "Wassup!"

WHY IS EVERYONE TALKING LIKE THAT
IT MAKES NO SENSE
THEY DO NOT NEED TO TALK LIKE THAT

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"Everything's fine, little man!" Shadow said.
"Yeah," Sonic said, "We're just adding the final touches to 'Project Julian'."
"Wonderful," Tails said, "This will keep those people in line. Julian here will teach them what happens if they DARE rebel against our glorious nation! Is he ready yet?"
"Patience, my yellow fox friend," Sonic smiled, "His power is great, we must not wake him too early..."

Meanwhile, in chapter 2, the rebels have taken a tank somehow, and are now driving to Emerald Castle, which is a castle which 'Sonic had commanded the people build in his honour'.

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The walls of the castle were built from solid gold, Sonic didn't care how many of his people had died making it.

Just in case you don't understand yet, Sonic is the bad guy in this.
More government = bad wank, and there's a reference to 'the purges' tossed in for good measure. Hmmm... I wonder what that's supposed to represent. Antoine and 'Sonya' (who I guess must be the long-lost sister of Sonia) are trapped in jail, and the rebels charge into the castle to free them both. There's a lot of noise, which interrupts Sonic and Shadow and they have to stop wanking about all of Julian's powers and how awesome he is.

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"Shit!" Sonic yelled, "What's all that banging?"
Shadow shrugged.
"Rebels or some shit like that," Shadow said, "We've handled them before, we can handle them again!"
"No," Tails said, "Our lives are imperative to the existence of the One World Order. We must evacuate ourselves to the upper levels of this establishment."

And so, instead of waking up their new hedgehog who has shitloads of powers, they go and hide in a vault. And whatever happened to all the 'yo dawg' and shit from before?

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The rebels had now broke into the jail section of the castle and began to bash at the bars that were holding Antoine and Sonya back from the outside world. They both looked up at them with sad, defeated eyes, the will to live clearly sapped from them by the henchmen of Sonic. They were soon released, and the rebels went to leave to put them both back in the tank. Before they left, however, they saw a tube, and, seeing that it might hold some important, Storm ordered around 10 rebels to go and pick up the tube, and they took it with them, before they all jumped back into the giant tank.

LOLOLOL they just stole Julian Assange.

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It was decided that Storm, Espio, Vector and Charmy the Bee would stay behind with the tube, while the rest of the rebels go inside and find Sonic and kill him. Antoine and Sonya also got to stay inside the tank, as they had just been released from the prisons that confined them.

How many rebels were in this tank originally? Good god, it's like the TARDIS or something in here. And I think 'the prisons that confined them' may be the most redundantly redundant thing I've read all day.

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"This must be the project that Sonic and his cronies are working on," Storm said, as they watched the silver hedgehog sleep in the blue tube.

Ok seriously now, who the hell is Storm? I have no idea who this is.

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Vector and Charmy both looked inside the tube. The silvery-white hedgehog reminded them of their oppresive rulers, Sonic and Shadow, and instilled a burning hatred for all hedgehogs in them. After Sonic and Shadow took control of everything, most other hedgehogs were slaughtered in a revenge campaign by the rebels.

Vector and Charmy both argue about whether they should kill Julian or not, when Julian wakes up and Charmy puts his stinger through the glass of the tube and that lets him out somehow.

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"My name is Charmy," Charmy said, "What is your name?"
"I... uh... I don't know," the hedgehog replied, looking at the floor.
"Hmmm... well..." Charmy said, as he examined the tube, while the other rebels looked on in shock, "Here, at the top of the tube it says 'Project: Julian, and then, under that it says, 'Julian Assange', so I guess that must be your name."

Just in case you forgot you were reading a fanfiction about Julian Assange in the world of Mobius. Yes, that's what you're reading.
Speaking of which, what does any of this actually have to do with Julian Assange? You could just stick any old name in there and have this be a run-of-the-mill Marty Stu Hedgehog story.

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"Julian... Assange...?" the hedgehog repeated.
"Indeed Julian," Espio said, "Now... the real question is... what are we to do with you?"

And that's the end of chapter 2.
I'll probably snark chapter 3 later on, and after a quick skim-through, I can reveal that (spoiler ahead) SONIA AND ESPIO DIE HOLY SHIT.

I'm going to pretend there's some sort of intended parallel with SatAM where Robotnik's real name was Julian. It makes it slightly, slightly less insane.

Alhazred, your posts are almost always witty and on-topic. You are one of my favourite semi-regular posters.

Why thank you! I do love rabbits! ...actually I hate rabbits, but I'd rather be near them than this terrible fic.