DoctorDonna's Daughter is a Mary-Sue. As if there's any other kind of OC daughter.

I know you're all sick of Doctor Who shit, but I had this snark sitting around on my computer because I wanted a friend to read the fic. And I figured it's just collecting dust anyway, might as well post it.

So prepare yourself for YET MORE Doctor Who badfic.

Doctor Donna's Daughter by Talibah

The title already tells me this will be lulz-worthy.

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Summary: Donna gets pregnant. Something bad is going on/Donna goes into labor-fighting off memories. She remembers, just as she's giving birth. The Doctor becomes a doctor. It's a girl. The Doctor travels to the baby's futuretakes her as a companion. OC/11

I guess I don’t need to read your story now, because you just told me everything that happens in it. Thanks. MANY things wrong with this summary: First up, Donna doesn’t get pregnant IN the story; you probably should have said she IS pregnant, since the action of GETTING pregnant... Oh Jesus, nevermind. Love the ‘Something bad is going on/some other stuff’. The Doctor becomes a doctor. He goes to med school and passes all his exams. You already told us it’s a girl in the title. Brace for incoming Mary-Sueage.

The first chapter’s not actually THAT bad, the second chapter is where it all starts to go downhill. This one’s just kind of... mediocre and unremarkable.

I'll just sum it up here to spare you: The Doctor is now Eleven. The Ood call the Doctor to tell him that Donna’s pregnant, (though it is mighty unclear what kind of timeline we’re talking here, because it makes it like he JUST regenerated into Eleven, when we all know that he saw her at her wedding right before Ten died, and when he shows up she’s apparently nine months pregnant.) All I can assume is that the author is either retarded with a blatant disrespect for canon (which is the likely explanation), or that I’m retarded didn’t understand and that he goes forward in time to a time when she is pregnant, that’s in her future, or she’s only just conceived and he skips forward in her pregnancy and... my eyes are glazing over trying to explain the plot holes in this fic.

So the Doctor goes to see the Ood.

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His TARDIS was parked in a parking space that was even labeled Doctor.

They have parking spots in the snow now on the Ood-Sphere.

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"Did you say baby? Donna's gonna have a ichild/i?" His eyes, growing darker, stared to the very core of the Ood.

“How dare she?? She just got married, how dare she have children??” And yeah, that formatting fuckup is actually IN the story like that.

So anyway, the Doctor is apparently shocked to hear that she’s pregnant, because this is not something that every female between the age of fourteen and 50 is capable of. The Ood tells him that she’s in danger, blah blah, an Ood named Tarna comes with him to see Donna for no good reason. We now head onward to chapter two:

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CHAPTER TWO:
Donna’s Fine

Nothing to see here folks, move along.
Alternatively: Dayum, is she fine!

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The noise sounded familiar. Sylvia Noble knew that noise. Her heart fell at that noise.
Quietly moving across the kitchen and living room, silently passing a sleeping, pregnant Donna, Sylvia went outside into the windy, sunny morning.

So I was wondering why Donna is at her mother’s house, because if this is supposed to be post- End of Time, she’s married and has her own flat AND HAS JUST WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY, so I’m pretty sure she could afford a pretty sweet house and not have to nap on her mother’s couch. She could just be visiting, sure, but I think she’s still living there and the author just hates canon.

So of course, it's the Doctor:

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Sylvia stepped out and closed the door behind her. She took a deep breath and looked all around before stepped forward again. "You're here because of them, aren't you? Those things that are all around."

And the Doctor looked around and knocked on the box. "Tarna, come out. We'll go into the Noble's home."
The door opened and Tarna Ood stepped out. Both ignored the quiet squeal of shock from Sylvia and stepped passed her and walked inside her home.
"No, Doctor!" Sylvia stepped in front of him, hands out, face scared.
The Doctor rolled his eyes at her. "She's not going to remember. I don't even look like her Doctor." His tone was clipped and rude, but his face softened when he saw Donna fast asleep.

The Doctor rolled his eyes at her. “Sylvia, you are retarded for wanting me not to kill your daughter.”

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His mind locked and he sat in front of her like a child. "Oh, Donna. Look at you, Donna. You are brilliant, amazing." He looked at her swollen belly and grinned. "And I bet that child will be just as brilliant." He got lost in possibility for a moment before his mind swirled.

I really hope he’s not picturing himself making out with her daughter who’s not born yet. I know you like ‘em young, Doctor, but damn. From the summary of the story I already assume there’s going to be some retarded Mary-Sue romance going down later.

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"They're called Drucks. They're machine's with minds, but have a terrible sense of danger. They're not killed by bullets, obviously. They're like Cybermen, only they work on their own. I encountered them before on Calay when they encircled their senate and nearly killed the race. But these Drucks must not understand you and your government." He took a deep breath before rising and crossing the room to the door.
"They'll fall easily, but I don't know if any of you will like the way they die if it has to come to that." He glanced at Tarna before looking back at Donna.

You don’t need to remember any of this, because none of it’s important later. Thanks for all that useless info.

The Doctor tells the Ood:

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"You will stay with her and watch her and make sure she is okay. That is an order."
The Ood nodded. "Of course, Doctor. I would have, anyway." Looking at the almost forgotten Sylvia, she held up her translator device and spoke to her: "I will not interrupt. We can just say it is a good costume. Doctor Donna will understand."
Sylvia, a little unnerved, nodded. "Yes, she will. Doctor?"

Sylvia: “Oh hi Sweetheart, I see you’re awake. This is my good friend Fred whom I’ve never mentioned before, he likes to wear a Halloween costume all year round. We’re just having tea and crumpets, would you like some?”

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"Will she be okay? Donna? Is that another reason you're here?"
The Doctor forced a smile and nodded. "She'll be fine." And he knew she believed the lie.

Doctor, you are a douchebag. The Doctor I know doesn’t outright lie to people.

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CHAPTER THREE:
The Babe

If she were a president, her name would be Babe-raham Lincoln.

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Jack's smile shook UNIT, but he passed through the doors easily enough with his vortex manipulator he had again hacked. It didn't take long, and that is why he grinned.

That is why he grinned.

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"Aw, Jack, I told you no! Twice I told you no. Twice, I fixed that darned thing!"
He turned at the Brit, eyes wide but still smiling. "What'd you say?" Then it sunk in and he banged his fist against the wall loudly, but not hard enough to bruise anything but a couple of ears.

...I have NO idea who he’s talking to. Someone from UNIT?

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"Oh, no! Doctor, why'd you go and do that? Doctor, what was the real point of that? Oh," he whined again. He took off the watch and laid it down next to the Doctor's hand. "So, you are here. Have you heard?" Then, quieter, he leaned in and studied the Doctor.

....He’s talking to the Doctor? ...What was the point of WHAT? What’s the point of fixing Jack’s wrist strap for him? Is Jack asking why he banged his own fist against the wall? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON. Did the speaker change?? Is that the Doctor and Jack replying to each other??

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"Not now, Jack," he said, feeling the release of happy hormones as he sounded like himself, again.

Happy hormones. No joke will even make that funnier than it already is.

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Jack laughed and shook his head. "I meant about Donna. It's all over. I mean, she saved the Iuniverse/i and then she was human again, and now she's got a child. Everyone is curious. The whole universe."

EVERYONE in the whole universe cares if Donna reproduces. EVERYONE. Because this is not a normal happening in every species ever.

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It pained the Doctor to hear this. That was probably another reason why these Drucks were here. Donna and her child are the talk of the universe. Literally.
"I've heard. The Ood told me. We're watching over her."
"Have you figured out how to send them away, yet? …Wait, the what?"
The Doctor grinned and nodded his head. His big transporter machine was starting to hook into the Drucks as he programmed it to. Now, all he had to do was use the power of UNIT, process the Drucks to assemble on one street, and poof, good-bye Drucks. Gone back to the home planet. "Easy enough. Not really in need of me, I promise. I'm just making this process quicker."
Winking, the Doctor set it all up, pressed the big purple button and, "Poof. All on one street. Jack, click your go button."
Grinning at the set-up, lame joke, Jack did as he was told. "Poof? All gone?"
With a nod, the Doctor rechecked his system. "All clear!"

Thank God that pesky plot is over with and now we can get back to talking about Donna’s unborn Mary-Sue daughter!

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The release of breath UNIT and Jack, forced the Doctor to wonder if this human race was ever going to get over their fear and fight off an attack themselves. That thought made the Doctor frown and shake his head, but all the more, the Doctor strode to Jack.

They deal with aliens by themselves all the fucking time in Torchwood. So much, in fact, that I’m usually going, “Why don’t they just call the Doctor? He could sort this shit in like 30 seconds for you guys.”

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"Come on with me, then. We have a baby to birth."

Jack's expression didn't bother the Doctor. He always listened to him, anyway. Plus, after his future revelation, he figured Jack owed him something, even if Jack didn't know what stress he had caused the Doctor with the Master the last time around.

...Wat? Future revelation?

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The baby was already on its way, Donna fussing and loud,

I’d say she’s got good reason to be loud if she wants.

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but the Doctor couldn't let the child be born in her home. Too many risks. So, ordering Jack to get on her other side, they helped her stand and Donna followed, too blurred by pain to really iargue/i.

Lern 2 format, kthx. I love how convenient it is that they just somehow KNOW she’s having it right now. Like, I didn’t see them get a phone call or anything. OH WAIT, HE’S AN ALIEN, SO HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. My mistake.

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"This is a first, Donna! Not arguing with me." He laughed quietly as he set Donna down on the TARDIS floor. "Jack, the door."

Dude. Because the cold metal grating that the TARDIS floor is made of is totally comfortable, and is way better than Donna’s house would have been. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.

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Tarna and Sylvia entered; Sylvia temporarily stunned by the enormity of everything around her. And then, hearing her daughter's loud cry, Sylvia ran to her.
Tarna had stayed hidden when Donna woke up. She wasn't sure even a perception filter would have let Donna ignore the tentacles that came out of her mouth. Or, at least that appeared to.

...Appeared to come out of her mouth? ...Is this some kind of...foreshadowing that Tarna isn’t really an Ood or something? Or do I just have no fucking idea what you’re talking about again? And like, what kind of time are we talking here? Has Donna never seen her yet? Is the “when Donna woke up” from that last scene when she was sleeping on the couch? Your story is too hard to follow, dude.

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"Sylvia, please, do me a favor. Go through there, get everything in the birth cupboard. Hey, Donna. Donna! I'm the Doctor."

Good job, tell her. What a douchebag. And if that’s following on from the last scene, I’m asking myself when he had time to put together a ‘birth cupboard’. Or maybe this kind of thing happens to him all the time.

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Donna's eyes lifted to him, her head pounding. "You're not my doctor, buddo." She shook her head, her hands searching for somewhere to grab.
Not letting the hurt show, he lowered himself to the ground and started to prepare her.

That’s so vague that I completely missed it the first time I read it, I was like, “Maybe you should take her pants off or something, just saying. You kind of just dragged her in here and told her to start pushing.” I only noticed it on my second pass of this snark.

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"I know; I know, but Donna, please, believe me. I am the Doctor. I'm here for you. We couldn't get you to a- Donna?"
Her head pounded harder and she closed her eyes, pushing. "I can see things. I see them, again. In my nightmares. I saw them when I saw... I don't know what to do!"
"Donna, please, listen to me. Push, Donna." He winced when she screamed. This time, it was because of her head. "Doctor Donna, listen to me."

The Doctor is a scream expert. He knows the difference between labour screams and head screams.

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That did it. It snapped her brain into place. All her memories rushed back, and she was Donna again. "Ouy, Spaceman, what happened?"

Why the fuck is he TRYING to make her remember? Why is the Doctor a douchebag who wants Donna dead suddenly?

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He laughed, but quickly silenced when she let out a breath of pain. "Donna, push."
And she did. With all her Doctor-y might, she pushed. Her brain couldn't keep up, it flashed, her head ached. Still, Donna's sense of want and need for the child inside her overpowered and she pushed.
She was dying. The Doctor could feel it in her veins. He saw it in her eyes, but there was something he didn't tell anyone. As light started to show in her eyes, he knew that when she died, all her being would be put into the child. All her knowledge into this child.

So he... wanted her to die so he could have a part- Time Lord buddy to hang out with. ...Seriously, you are a douchebag, Doctor.

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He also knew Donna better than anyone else. Better than her mother. Donna would want the child safe. She'd want her baby to live peacefully. Maybe, at one time, the babe could travel-
A quiet whine came from the newborn, and the Doctor cut the cord. "It's a girl, Donna."
She was struggling to stay alive to see her babe. "Andie. Name her Andie, Doctor. Mum, I love you. Doctor, keep her safe."
Sylvia fell to the ground, her arms gathering Donna close to her.

I love how Sylvia had NOTHING to say throughout this entire scene. Yeah, that’s fine Doctor, just let my daughter die, that’s cool. She had a good run.

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The Doctor rose and walked into the cleaning room. Jack followed, watching as the Doctor washed the baby.
"Ah, Andie. Your mother was beautiful. One day, when I come back, I'm going to tell you all about her. One day, when I see you again, you'll see the stars."

Her body’s not even cold, man, maybe pretend to be sad, a little. The Eleventh Doctor is a dick.

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Jack's deep breath took the Doctor away from his thoughts. "She said you keep her safe."
The Doctor's face was drawn, sad. "I had children once. I couldn't save them like I can save my companions.”

Like you just tried real hard to save Donna?

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“Jack, watch after her when she's with her grandmother. Sylvia can't stop everything. You can help her, though." His hands washed the baby, carefully making sure she was clean, and looking after every small bit of anything that could harm her.
"Andie, you're the color of a light olive. A beautiful color. Your father is black, isn't he?”

I’d been wondering who the fuck the father was, since there was no mention at all. So if this IS supposed to be post- End of Time, where the fuck is her husband in all this??

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“Your eyes are a pretty green. They remind me of the beautiful grass on Grenifi. You will be able to handle your mind, I just know it." The Doctor's quiet words were enough to quiet any soul, and the baby didn't make a noise, only stared at the Doctor.
"I'll be back one day, Andie and Jack. For now, I can't keep you. Donna knew that. She wants to live a great life." And then the Doctor turned to Jack. "You've got to keep the things that might come after her hidden until I come back. It's of great importance, Jack. Please, please don't let them hurt her. Don't let her know of them. It could hurt her. Something's right, though, because Andie has a mind for the world."

WOW this is retarded. My brain. I mean, that’s why I read it, but like... WOW.

So there are a few more chapters up since I did this snark. Have at 'em.

Oh...wow. I just don't even know where to start. I may have to have a go at those other chapters though...

Happenstance wrote:

Oh...wow. I just don't even know where to start. I may have to have a go at those other chapters though...

I haven't read them but I opened the next one, and the author has just skipped forward to when the OC is a teenager: old enough to be a self-insert gettin' down and dirty with the Doctor. Well, if not 'gettin' down and dirty' at least having some sappy romance.

Author's note:

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So, now we see a bit more of Andie. I really like this Andie.

Good for you. You're the ONLY one.

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The Doctor rose and walked into the cleaning room. Jack followed, watching as the Doctor washed the baby.
"Ah, Andie. Your mother was beautiful. One day, when I come back, I'm going to tell you all about her. One day, when I see you again, you'll see the stars."

Her body’s not even cold, man, maybe pretend to be sad, a little. The Eleventh Doctor is a dick.

Not only that, he couldn't be bothered to personalise her description. "Ah Andie, your mother was... erm..." *female, female yes, that's it. Female. Um. What's the most common complimentary adjective for human females?* "Beautiful!" *Haaaa, I am such an awesome person.*

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"Andie, you're the color of a light olive. A beautiful color. Your father is

...a Raxacoricofallapatorian, isn't he? Well that's just a little bit different."

Sutremaine wrote:

Not only that, he couldn't be bothered to personalise her description. "Ah Andie, your mother was... erm..." *female, female yes, that's it. Female. Um. What's the most common complimentary adjective for human females?* "Beautiful!" *Haaaa, I am such an awesome person.*

No kidding. Requires NO thought whatsoever. The author was just anxious to get Donna out of the way and start writing about her bloody OC. I actually left her a troll review going, "OMG UR STORY IS SO GOOD, but i hope Donna comes back!" and the author replied with, "...You just gave me the BEST idea!" Clearly didn't give a rat's ass about the canon characters.

Sutremaine wrote:

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"Andie, you're the color of a light olive. A beautiful color. Your father is

...a Raxacoricofallapatorian, isn't he? Well that's just a little bit different."

That actually would have made the story more interesting.

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Her eyes were still the green like the grass on Grenifi, and her skin was the color of olives. Her lips were a pretty shade of rose. He noticed how her hair was the texture of Donna's, but the color of her father's. He wondered if it was colored, because he pictured her more with a dark auburn color of hair, if not a bit more red.

my Mary-Sue sense is tingling.

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Dark hair fell into a light mocha colored face, and she was pulled into big American arms

American arms? Like guns or something?


also, I'm SLIGHTLY confused.... is this the Doctor and Donna's child? Or her husbands?? because if its the Doctors, then wtf.

Re: The last post
I suspect that the child is Not the Doctor's, but for some unknown reason (i.e Mary-Sue's intervened), retains memories of the time that Donna had the knowledge of the Doctor inside her head, i.e she was pregnant while she was effectively Doctor! Donna...
As for the "American arms" bit, does she have a "Uncle Jack" Harkness, one wonders...?

Oh wow, and so Sylvia conveniently dies so the Doctor can take the kid away. How delightfully original.

Grimley Fieendish wrote:

Re: The last post
I suspect that the child is Not the Doctor's, but for some unknown reason (i.e Mary-Sue's intervened), retains memories of the time that Donna had the knowledge of the Doctor inside her head, i.e she was pregnant while she was effectively Doctor! Donna...
As for the "American arms" bit, does she have a "Uncle Jack" Harkness, one wonders...?

I read a bit of it, and Jack was there, and him and the Mary-Sue seemed close I guess. I dunno I kinda skimmed it, but yeah, Jack Harkness was there acting as a father figure from what I read.

Grimley Fieendish wrote:

Re: The last post
I suspect that the child is Not the Doctor's, but for some unknown reason (i.e Mary-Sue's intervened), retains memories of the time that Donna had the knowledge of the Doctor inside her head, i.e she was pregnant while she was effectively Doctor! Donna...
As for the "American arms" bit, does she have a "Uncle Jack" Harkness, one wonders...?

From what I understood, while Donna was giving birth the Doctor caused her to remember him (either inadvertently or on purpose, and it SOUNDS like he was doing it on purpose). This remembering triggered the memories from the metacrisis, and...SOMEHOW, it sounds like all this knowledge went though into the baby; it says that 'he knew that when she died, all her being would be put into the child. All her knowledge into this child.'. But how that happened, your guess is as good as mine. Because the baby would also have been a human, not a Time Lord, UNLESS her and Ten were getting it on and it IS part Time Lord. But the whole 'Your father is black, isn't he?' says to me it's probably her husband Shaun's, but like... What the fuck happened to him? Where is he? It'd take ONE line to say 'Shaun had died 5 months previously in a car accident.' Like, that's not a GOOD explanation of what happened, no, and I would have made fun of that line for being so blunt and vague, but at least it would have been SOMETHING, you know? Stop me from wondering.

I'm pretty sure the author doesn't even CARE about how the kid got the Time Lord knowledge, she just wanted her Sue to have super speshul powurz.

Grimley Fieendish wrote:

retains memories of the time that Donna had the knowledge of the Doctor inside her head, i.e she was pregnant while she was effectively Doctor! Donna...

That actually would have been a more plausible explanation to me, if like... Donna was pregnant during the whole Journey's End metacrisis, and then the unborn kid got the metacrisis too, but in wiping Donna's memories the kid's might not have got wiped, because how would he know about that or whatever. And then just ignore End of Time canon the way the author is already doing, say Ten died tripping over his own shoelace, and BAM! Now he's Eleven and Donna's pregnant with a part Time Lord and you're all set to write about your goddamn Mary-Sue.

It really doesn't surprise me Donna would give birth to a Mary Sue child; The Doctor's 'daughter' Jenni was basically a Mary Sue. Not quite as grating as others, but still a Mary Sue.

Rabid Badger wrote:

It really doesn't surprise me Donna would give birth to a Mary Sue child; The Doctor's 'daughter' Jenni was basically a Mary Sue. Not quite as grating as others, but still a Mary Sue.

Undoubtedly.

Wait Guys! Maybe this won't be so bad.....

(read some of fic sans snarking)

No, you're right. Sue-tastic.

Well, Crap.
Unless if Shaun is secretly a Timelord somehow, this story makes even less sense.
Or do ya think she's gonna use the TARDIS time-core-rays as a convenient reason/cop out?

Actually, nevermind. I'm probably overestimating her intelligence.

Observed wrote:

Well, Crap.
Unless if Shaun is secretly a Timelord somehow, this story makes even less sense.
Or do ya think she's gonna use the TARDIS time-core-rays as a convenient reason/cop out?

Actually, nevermind. I'm probably overestimating her intelligence.

WHOA! Shaun is a secret Time Lord! SHAUN IS THE DOCTOR IN A FUTURE REGENERATION! That would clear up a lot of questions I had. Where is he? Off saving the universe. This story has been massively improved.

The only thing I could think up to match that would be if Shaun was a future incarnation of The Master instead. Then the Doctor would have to chose I guess.

Ya know to keep the baby, return it to the Master or kill his Nemesis's offspring.
That would be my direction.

What would run through his mind?
Did the Master just do it to fuck with me?
Did Donna Know?
What should I do?

Observed wrote:

The only thing I could think up to match that would be if Shaun was a future incarnation of The Master instead. Then the Doctor would have to chose I guess.

Ya know to keep the baby, return it to the Master or kill his Nemesis's offspring.
That would be my direction.

Dude. YOU should write this story. You have already improved it so vastly.

Nah, Check my FF.net account, Saberus9.
I write shite.
I'm alright with ideas though.

Observed wrote:

Nah, Check my FF.net account, Saberus9.
I write shite.
I'm alright with ideas though.

You're not bad, I've seen way worse. Obviously; I guess that's not saying much given the site we're on. Ha ha.

Well Thanks I guess.

Regardless, Someone should type up an epic version of this fic in some way shape or form.
It wouldn't be that hard. Just focus more on the doctor than Sue-baby.
:

Actually, I'll do it. I'll start now, Just don't expect anything spectacular.

I'm gonna use her timeline which appears to be the first episode of the eleventh doctor's first season.
Also I didn't see much of the Tenths later seasons so I'm running on wiki fuel.

I need a title though; the current working one is "It's a freaking TARDIS Baby"

Observed wrote:

Actually, I'll do it. I'll start now, Just don't expect anything spectacular.

I need a title though; the current working one is "It's a freaking TARDIS Baby"

BAHAHAHAHA. I'm stoked you're going to actually do it; I'm looking forward to this fic SO hard, you have no idea.

Here's the first chapter, Critique and corrections will be appreciated.

Also according to the Tardis wiki, "Newblood" Gallifreyans are born with two hearts.

Observed wrote:

Also according to the Tardis wiki, "Newblood" Gallifreyans are born with two hearts.

Pfeh, as far as I'm concerned all Time Lords ever are born with two hearts. The simplest way to reconcile two hearts with the original line of dialogue about the Doctor's heart still beating is to say that only one was beating at the time, and TV canon later showed that Time Lords can live with one heart beating and even remain conscious if not fully functional. Four decades, that's a very big wait for a very small semi-Jossing.

Fic looks okay so far, but it feels quite rushed. It's like the more literate stuff in NR but with a better idea under the hood, so not much like the stuff in NR at all I guess. But it reads more like something written just to get the idea out of your head and onto the page.

Observed wrote:

Here's the first chapter, Critique and corrections will be appreciated.

I think it's honestly a good start. You've already managed what the other story lacked, which was any real sense of mystery. (Though, of course, her telling us half the plot in her summary didn't help with that.) I think you did a good job with all the preliminaries there; it didn't feel overly "infodump" or careless to me, which sometimes people have trouble with.

I agree with Sutremaine, it does feel a bit as if you wrote it down mainly just to get the idea across, which is essentially what you did. So overall I'd say it's a good start, and you're already miles ahead of the original story.

sweet. I'll continue this a little and maybe fleash out the first chapter if I have time. A relative is visiting.