Beast Boy's Harem

You know what fanfiction is, right? Of course you do. Apparently, the author that wrote Beast Boys Gambit doesn't! He takes the characters you know and love, and almost completely revamps them. He then puts them in strange, usually stupid plots wrought with drama. Last but not least, the stories are often obnoxiously long and any sane person is yawning by the fifth chapter.

This story follows the tale of Beast Boy when he decides to leave the Titans, move to Africa and starts to, uh, collect women, or at least that's what it seems like.

Before we begin, let me remind you that the person who wrote this is a married man with kids.

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Things had been going downhill for Beast Boy for over three months. It had begun inconspicuously in Tokyo where for reasons he still didn't understand Raven had silently declared war on him. The physical abuse had escalated and it seemed that not a day went by where she didn't at least slap him and some days it was worse than that. There had been a few days where Raven would pummel him so hard with her dark energy that he would end up covered in bruises, which she would heal afterwards without even offering an apology.

Oh yeah, we're jumping right into the action here! Nothing like starting a story with random, pointless beatings!

The short version of the first few paragraphs explain that everyone in the tower, save for Starfire, is being OOC a douchebag to Beast Boy.

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But no matter how hard he tried his lot did not improve. He was sitting alone on the Tower roof after his latest disaster. During a routine battle with Adonis the mechanized villain got lucky and had hit Beast Boy in the chest, breaking several of his ribs. Adonis managed to escape while the Titans came to the aid of their injured teammate. As always Raven healed his injuries, after which she slapped him and chewed him out. "Nice work, genius!" she rebuked him. "Thanks to you Adonis escaped!"

Beast Boy: But I'm the only one injured. One of you could have-
Raven: NO IT'S ALL YOUR DAMN FAULT YOU GREEN LOSER.
Beast Boy: [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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"OK, we're all here now. I want to discuss our recent setbacks in fighting crime since returning from Tokyo. As you are all aware we have been on the skids since we returned from Japan and this is due to a lack of discipline. There are two factors here that we must address. First of all Beast Boy has been getting injured excessively since we returned from Japan, to the point where it cannot be blamed on bad luck. Because of this I am placing Beast Boy on leave to train until he is fit to return to duty. Raven will supervise his training, and she will decide on how much and what kind of training is required."

Raven stared stoically and replied in her deadpan voice. "I'll whip him back into shape Robin, you can count on it."

Beast Boy: So there's going to be whips involved, huh? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Raven: (thwaps him in the back of the head)
Beast Boy: DO YOU GUYS SEE THIS? Why aren't you doing anything?!
Cyborg: Actually, that was pretty in character. You made a stupid remark and she smacked you on the head for it, just like on the show.
Robin: Yeah, the author is just an assface and selectively chooses to ignore the 'stupid comment' part of the gag and focus on the hitting just to get his cheap, soap opera drama.
Starfire: And what better setting for such immature, preteen writing than a cartoon aimed towards children?
Beast Boy: It all makes sense! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

The More You Know ~~*

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The door slid open and an orange arm pulled him into the room as the door quickly slid shut behind him. Starfire looked awful, she had been crying the whole time. She grabbed Beast Boy and hugged him softly as she continued to sob.


"He didn't warn you, did he? He just dumped you right in front of everyone."

She nodded, while she continued crying.

"What the hell is their problem?" he growled. "It's like they're going out of their way to make us miserable."

Raven and Robin: [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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"Don't you two think maybe this is going too far?" Cyborg asked.


"Not at all." Raven replied. "They both need to shape up, especially Beast Boy. It's for his own good. You wait and see, he'll thank us for this."

Raven: He'll be grateful for the grueling, senseless training! I'll make sure of it. (cracks knuckles)

Our two strangely-colored friends are then in Beast Boy's room when we start to learn of Beast Boy's mysterious past (which isn't so mysterious if you read the comic decades ago) and how awesome his old home in Africa was. Meanwhile, Raven is realizing she might be kind of a bitch.

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She had been angry with Beast Boy. He was older now, why couldn't he be more serious? He had so much potential. He acted stupid, but she knew that was a front, an excuse for underachieving. She knew that he could be so much more. She wanted him to be more. But maybe Cyborg was right, maybe this was the wrong way to approach the problem.

Raven: So...when you want to encourage someone, you don't beat them to a pulp?
Cyborg: Very good, Raven! Now show me how friends greet each other.
Raven: ... (punches him in the face)
Cyborg: OW! Bad Raven! (sprays her with waterbottle) No treat for you!

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She decided that perhaps she should go and patch things up with the changeling.

Aaand Raven's character does a near 180, folks! Nothing like changing the characters to fit your needs, and don't you love how forced and useless this plot is? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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She quietly approached his door and knocked. It opened almost instantly revealing his beaming face, which quickly changed into a blank canvas.

"Oh, it's you." He said morosely.

"May I come in?" she asked.

He eyed her carefully, but said nothing.

"I don't bite Beast Boy"

But Beast Boy does!
Beast Boy: (turns into a T-rex and bites her head off)

THE END...please? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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"I would have helped you."


"You?" he laughed derisively "You're kidding. Why would you do that?"

"What do you mean by that? Why should Starfire help you and not me?"

He rolled his eyes.

"Why? What's so special about Starfire?"

Girl, have you seen Starfire fanart? Hot damn.

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"Beast Boy you idiot, your future is in my hands. If I give Robin the word you'll be gone by tomorrow."

Beast Boy calmly collected himself before answering. "Yes Raven, I know. But until then this is my room. And if you really were my friend you wouldn't be threatening me like this."

Beast Boy walked to the door and slid it open.

"Good night Raven. See you tomorrow."

Beast Boy: OR WILL YOU?
Raven: What?
Beast Boy: Nothing! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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It was then that she decided that she should eat humble pie and beg Beast Boy for his forgiveness. She had no excuse for the way she had treated him, especially when she knew that she was really fond of him. Her mind raced again as she slowly walked back to his room, trying to decide what she would tell him. Before she knew it, she was at his door. She knocked, but there was no response.

What could this possibly mean? It's not like you've already spoiled this moment in your own summary! Unsurprisingly, Raven opens up the door to his room to find that he is *gasp* GONE.

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"Dear friends,


I have decided that I need some time away from the team. I don't know when I will come back, or even if I ever will. Please don't come looking for me, as that will just make things worse. I'm sorry for all the trouble and disappointment I've caused and I'm sure you'll find a good replacement for me, hopefully one that can act his or her age and who is more serious about being a Titan than I ever was. I wish you all the best."

And it was signed "Garfield Logan, AKA Beast Boy".

Raven sat down on Beast Boy's lower bunk and began to weep.

Raven: If only I had broken his legs, he would still be here now! I must go tell the others!
Robin: Uh, we heard you read the entire thing aloud half-way down the hall.
Raven: Oh.

Join us next time when he starts up a new hobby: collecting wimminz! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Let me guess, Raven was hurting him because she loves him. Right? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Classic.

Keep going

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Words: 57,391

Oh wow. I think the author of this monstrosity may have a little too much time on their hands.

I'm having flashbacks to every other story I've read that was written by a 14-year-old girl. And this is written by a married man? Either he she is lying about their age, or he's just read WAY too much other fanfiction and thought it was awesome and something to strive toward.

Awesome snark, btw, continue plz. Kthx.

B-but don't you guys know that rape and abuse is always a sure sign of love? The more they kick the crap out of you the more they love you [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Thanks everyone. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I'll try to make the next update prompt.

Dr. Quinzel wrote:

Join us next time when he starts up a new hobby: collecting wimminz! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

There's actually more to the story? I was half expecting that Beast Boy would jump out a window or something and Raven would find his suicide note. Isn't that how these cartoon character-domestic violence affairs usually end? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Excellent snark!

It's time for another agonizing look at Beast Boys Gambit, which I must remind you is lovingly written by a full-grown man with children. In fact, keeping that in mind throughout this snark makes it all the more amusing! So sit back, relax, and feel fortunate that you don't have to read more than what's quoted!

This brilliant chapter begins with Cyborg responding to a system alert that Beast Boy's window was open, which is apparently something to panic about. Does no one in the tower open a window for a breeze or something?

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"Rob, Starfire, Raven meet me outside Beast Boy's room. We might have an intruder. Cyborg out."

Within less than a minute Starfire and Robin arrived from different paths. Robin scanned the damaged door from a distance.

"Sensors haven't detected anyone in the hallways, so the intruder must still be in the room." Robin reported. "Where's Raven?"

Yeah, given that the door is actually open on Beast Boy's room, why would they be talking and conversing when the possible intruder could hear everything they're saying? For that matter (since we know it's Raven in the room), why doesn't she just walk/float out of the room to tell them what's going on? This whole stupid situation could have been avoided.

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"He's gone. He left."

What are you talking about?" Cyborg asked. "Where did he go?"

She shoved the letter into his hands and began to cry again. He read it quickly and handed it to Robin.

"I told you this would happen Raven."

Why would anyone have to be told? If you're treating someone like shit, then they're probably not going to stick around.

Raven then says that she'll find Beast Boy, but Starfire tells her that it's a bad idea because it was her bitchiness that made him run away in the first place. Given the humbling circumstances, Raven undoubtedly reacts well...

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"I don't have to listen to this!" Raven growled as she phased into the floor.

Raven: (hands over ears) LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU AND YOUR LOGIC.

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Robin chastised Starfire. "You were out of line Starfire. You owe Raven an apology!"

Yes, how dare you rationally and calmly explain that Raven was the reason Beast Boy left, you snobby alien!

Starfire is then sent out to go find Beast Boy, who is wandering around the harbor for a boat to Africa. She eventually finds him and they converse, but he makes it clear he isn't going back.

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She held his head with her hands and kissed him on the lips.

"Be safe, dear friend. I will tell no one of your destination."

I guess we could count Starfire as the first lady in his collection. You keeping track at home, folks?

So some time goes by and Raven is frantically using the interwebs to see if there's any news of our green protagonist, but comes up empty.

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"It's my fault he left." She said quietly.

"Hey, I miss him too, but things change, he's moved on. And Robin's getting ready to name his replacement."

Cyborg seems awful nonchalant about the whole thing. His best friend runs away, but all he does is shrug and go 'OH WELL'? CHARACTER FAIL.

But wait, there's a creative twist to this part. You better put down your drink and take a seat, because this is totally going to blow your mind.

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"That's not funny Cy. You think I don't know that I'm a bitch?" she reproached him. "But even bitches can love somebody."

That's right, everyone! Raven has a crush on Beast Boy! There's apparently no other way to disguise your love for someone other than physically and verbally abusing them, don't you know. I also guess we can count her has woman number two in Beast Boy's collection!

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"You gotta be kidding me? You have a crush on him? Since when?"

"It's been over a year now." She confessed. "You have no idea how many times I almost confessed to him."

Considering what she's been doing to the poor guy, I get this scene in my head:

Raven: (wiping blood off of hands) Beast Boy, there's something I wanted to tell you...
Beast Boy: (bruised and bleeding on the floor)
Raven: Even though I mock you, smack you, and regularly give you concussions and broken bones, it's only to hide how I really... (turns dramatically) Oh, please don't make me say it!
Beast Boy: (twitches and gurgles)
Raven: I know that I've never been good at dealing with my emotions, but Beast Boy...I love you! (shoujo sparkles)
Beast Boy:

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"What the hell's wrong with me Cyborg?" she began to sob.

I'm afraid that you've caught the OOC, Raven. It's sadly running rampant in your section of FF.net.

For those dying to know, Beast Boy makes it to Africa and finds the village he grew up in as a child. The first thing he does is visit his parents graves and baaaaws there for a while.

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He could hear the birds singing in the distance and occasionally would hear a monkey screeching in the forest. He almost didn't hear the sound coming out of the river but reacted with his animal like reflexes, leaping to his feat, ready for combat.

He's listening to everything, but nearly missed the splashing sound from a river nearby. Right.

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His eyes opened wide at what he saw. A woman, correction, an ebony skinned goddess had emerged from the river where she had been bathing. She was completely nude, the water dripping from her body as she stood on the river bank where her clothes were neatly folded

Aaand we get this character out of no where and it's revealed that the two were childhood friends back in the day.

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"Didi? No freaking way! You're a woman." Didi had been his best friend when they were kids. She had been the only villager who did not recoil when he first turned green. When he was taken away she cried and made him promise her that he would someday come back and marry her when they grew up.

"And you are a man!" she laughed as she ran to hug him.

Okay, we need to make it clear that this is a teenager who's maybe between the ages of 14-16. In fact, here's a picture of him. He's a short, immature, goofy jokester on the show, though this fic turns him into an angsty bishie, apparently.

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"Uh, maybe you should get dressed Didi." He asked her nervously.

She laughed as she reached for her skirt and slipped it on. It was all she was wearing. He could not remove his gaze from her magnificent bosom.

You know, I can't help but think that the author dearly wishes he was Beast Boy, who gets hugged by gorgeous naked ladies and has the love of a hot alien princess and a crazy half-demon.

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"Good, because I'm not going to let you leave this time Garfield." She said as she pulled his shirt off over his head.

"I thought we were going to the village Didi"

"It's not going anywhere." She replied with a bright grin.

Not even a few minutes after they reunite and she's throwing herself at him. I guess this is lucky lady number three, everyone!

Back at the tower, Robin calls a meeting and declares that there's a new member for their team.

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The sliding doors opened and Supergirl entered the room, walking up to Robin and hugging him. Starfire and Cyborg gasped, but Raven was silently furious as she watched Kara embrace and kiss Robin. Supergirl wasn't a replacement for replacement for Beast Boy.

She was a replacement for Starfire.

Yeah, have I mentioned that Robin is a huge dick in this story (lol character pun)?

And that ends chapter two! Sorry if it seems rushed in all, but I have somewhere to be and wanted to put up an update. Hope you enjoy!