Xtreeeeeemmmeee!

So, I know that the X-Men is an easy target for snarking, but then again, usually I find myself in the X-Man movie section. Perhaps I’d have some better luck in the Comics secton…

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I thought of this after Read some of the comics and I hope this does good!

*sigh*

Presenting: Teaching to the Xtreme.

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By day I'm a teacher…but by night I'm a crimefighter…oh yeah you're just a normal guy!

He thought to himself as he combed his blonde hair and looked very smart as he adjusted his glasses and put on his jacket and took his briefcase and opened the door and left his apartment locking it behind him.

There are things that can be said about the techniques required to transform sequential art into prose. What can be said about this example is: This is not how it is done. Anyone else getting TuxedoMark flashbacks?

Well, our hero, Nameless McSelfinsert, grabs a taxi to the Xavier Institute.

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He took a deep breath and pressed the button as it buzzed and he waited a few seconds and it opened for him as he walked through and saw dead ahead a huge mansion as he saw the huge doors and they opened and revealed a man emerging from there.

Ever played ‘Guess Who?’

Let’s try it with this guy:

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He was a tall and muscled man

Flip down all the ladies, also Beast and Nightcrawler (Beast would be pretty obvious, and although Kurt could be using his image inducer, he’s neither tall, nor muscled.) and Wolveriene (LOL LOGANS A SHORTASS!!1!.)

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who's hair was a sort of blue and he had a look on him which was the "Don't mess with me." look.

OK, that’s everyone knocked down. I cannot think of a single X-Man with ‘sorta blue’ hair. I guess now we’re playing ‘reverse Guess Who’, where everyone is ruled out from the start and we slowly use clues t find who best fits. Thankfully we’re given a final clue when the blue-haired fellow speaks:

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"The Professor is waiting for you in his office, I'll take ya to im."

[…]

"Wait here I'll go tell im you're here." he said as he went into the office.

[…]

"The Professor will see ya now…good luck." he said leaving.

That terriable attempt at an accent can only mean one thing: Gambit.

But why blue hair? Why point out a character trait that… well… doesn’t exist? Why not point out the fingergloves? Or the trenchcoat? Or have him playing with some cards? Or his FUCKING PURPLE-IN-BLACK EYES? Why this shit with the hair?

Oh well…

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He [Blandie McFantisyfulfillment] then entered the office as he saw a man in a wheelchair and assumed he was the man who called him a few days ago.

"Ah Mister Connor Masters I presume, please take a seat."

"My name is Professor Charles Xavier, I am the headmaster of this school." Professor Xavier introduced himself as they both shaked hands.

OK, I can’t putt of the tense abuse any longer… Either the author or the story must exist in some sort of unstable temporal technobabble-wobbly-thing.

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He then looked at some papers and looked thoroughly over them as he ceased and looked to Connor.

This is worse than fucking Hypertime!

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"So it seems you've taught at Boston, Phoenix, Oregon and Chicago high schools, you've been recommended by the principles there, you teach Computer Science and we do need a teacher for that department, but there seems to be a problem…

Oh boy…

"It seems there's a lot of unexplained absences and lateness to lessons here…

*eyestrain* is that a foreshadow I see?

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"I would like to ask why did you move from town to town?" The Professor asked.

Connor knew the answer to that but did not want to say…

"The jobs I had previously were only temporary, I know I should've mentioned it first off but I thought they would've said something on the references, but only thing was I just didn't like staying in one place." Connor explained.

Hmmm… An unreliable city-hopper… Yup, nothing wrong with hireling this guy to work at a [very] special school/training ground for superheroes.

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", you do realise this school is for mutants?" The Professor asked.

"Uh mutants?" Connor asking a bit puzzled.

"You don't have any problems with mutants?" The Professor asked.

I love this next bit…

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"Oh god no! as a matter of fact my best friend is a mutant, I got no problem with any mutants believe me." Connor said.

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"One more thing Connor, as a precaution I will put in some mental barriers to prevent any student or anyone from going into your mind if you like?" The Professor asked.

"Uh mental barriers?" Conner questioned.

"I am sorry I had forgotten to mention I am also a mutant, I am a telepath." The Professor apologised as he just informed Connor.

These verb-tenses and action descriptions are seriously screwing with my head.

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As they finished the door opened.

"Hey Chuck are ya done?"

"Yes Logan, I'd like you to meet our newest Student Teacher, Connor Masters, Connor this is Logan he's our self defence Teacher here." The Professor said introducing them to each other.

*sigh* Yet again another fanbrat has misunderstood the nature of the Xavier institute and totally overshot the entire concept of not only the X-Men, but Wolverine himself.

The Xavier Institute is first and foremost a school for mutants. Removing people who are both heavily discriminated against as well as being potential dangers to themselves and others and providing them with a safe environment to grow, learn to live with their mutations and be schoolchildren.

Some of those students, either by virtue of their own character or their tremendously powerful gifts, may, possibly, go on to be members of the ‘X-Men’, and the institute serves as a base of operations and training ground for them. But this is a side effect of the institute, not the purpose of it!

That nerd-rant out of the way, here’s another one: Wolverine is not/was not/will never be a teacher at this school, of self defense or otherwise. He may be a training instructor for newbie X-Men, but I wouldn’t put a guarantee on that. He is a full time Superhero and when he is not on a mission for the X-Men, he’s busy being an Avenger and when he’s not doing that he’s prolly off creating drama for himself and angsting about his nature/past.

Beyond that, let’s not forget that the man is a fucking nutter! And although Xavier’s made some bad calls in his time (Let’s face it, the man is a complete dick…) Even he’d hesitate before putting a professional assassin, with berserker rage issues and a tendency to disappear without warning in charge of a fucking schoolroom.

Any way… The badfic…

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"Nice to meet you." Connor said as he extended his hand out to meet his.

"Same here kid and…" Logan then saw something familiar about him.

Is he…could he be…can't be?

Hmmm... is it dark in here or is it the GIANT TOWERING FORESHADOW?

(Jeez, I’m using capslock a lot in this snark…)

So Wolvie takes [s]MartieStu McFuckthexmanitsallaboutme[/s] Connor on a tour of the school… Skipping through some hypertime vortices as they go.

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Connor saw [Beast teaching a class] and he was currently in the middle of an experiment where he was mixing some chemicals to form some element, as then they moved on.

Further down the hallway there was another class going on as they passed another class.

So Wolvie and Connor head to the staff room where everyone can fawn over our wonderfully bland OC.

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"Everyone this is Connor Masters, he's the new Student Teacher, he'll be taking the Computer Science classes." Logan introduced.

"Connor these are our Senior Teachers, Scott Summers, Bobby Drake and Emma Frost." Logan introduced everyone.

Why the hell is Iceman a teacher?

Scott and Emma sure, they actually have taken on staff roles in the school. Although usually dealing with potential future X-Man/Difficult or extremely powerful mutant kids, actual schoolteaching is usually dealt with off-panel and presumably by, you know, teachers – as opposed to space, time and dimension hopping superheroes. It’s not unheard of that some X-Men take on teaching roles on occasioin (Beast and Xavier particularly.) but the idea is, I always thought, that these were special occasions/guest lecturers.

Anyhoo… Iceman? No chance!

Anyway, Connor and Wolvie continue their tour leaving the rest of the staff room to talk about him behind his back.

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"He seemed nice." Bobby said.

"Yeah but wonder what his powers are?" Scott asked.

"We'll find out soon." Emma said.

You know… Because if there is one thing the X-Men comics have always taught is it is that your worth as a human is dictated by how awesome your superpowers are.

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Logan led him to a door which opened as they stepped into what looked like a control room as it had a window view of a huge room, Connor saw there are two people already present there, one was a girl and the other looked like some sort of blue demon.

"Hi Logan, who's your friend."

"Connor this is Rachel Summers and the elf there is Kurt Wagner, guys Connor Masters our new Student Teacher for the Computer Science classes." Logan introduced.

"Good to meet you ya, I'm glad we have a new Teacher here." Kurt said as he shook the three blue furry fingers of his.

Nightcrawler hated it when his hand went to sleep.

They watch a few students do… something in the Danger Room, before they too become absorbed in Connors… urm… existence.

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"Who are you?" as three identical voices were directed at Connor as he nealy thought he was seeing things but they seemed to be triplets wearing matching blue outfits and blonde hair and blue eyes.

Now, now, Triplicate Lad, what have we told you about taking kill trophies?

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"Uh my name's , I'm a new Student Teacher here." Connor answered.

"Really? What're ya taking?" A student asked.

"I'm taking the position as your new Psychiatrist wanna make an appointment?" Connor joked.

Ummm… Haha?

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"Since when do we need a Psychiatrist?" another student spoke.

"Yeah I mean I know we act a bit crazy sometimes but…

Urm… I’m pretty sure that if there is one sort of position that this school has an abundance of, it’s counselors and psychiatrists. We are dealing with kids with mind, body and reality altering abilities here.

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Connor was laughing as was Kurt, Logan and Rachel as they saw how seriously they took the joke.

No… Seriously, there is no joke here. Even if this were a normal school in which a psychiatrist would be out of the ordinary (and, these days, it’s not IIRC) it still wouldn’t be a joke… Why is everyone laughing?

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"Sorry kids I was joking, I'm actually the new Computer Science Teacher." Connor said in between laughs.

"OHHH." most of them said in unison as a few laughs were heard.

"Ok I think it's time we moved on, I'll see ya later." Logan said.

Yes, Logan, let’s move on…

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"He was cute." Rachel said.

"You say that about everyone ya." Kurt said.

"Yeah well he was a definite, wonder what his powers are?" Rachel asked.

"Not sure but we'll know soon." Kurt said.

Ever get that feeling of déjà-vu?

Off to the library where we meet Kitty Pryde and Dani Moonstar who are having trouble with their computer. Cue Connor being awesome:

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He looked at the screen as it showed "Network unavailable" as Connor quickly typed in a few commands and began to defragment the link and then something came up as it was a link to an IP address and the link was from a website and the content was being downloaded by the user as he traced the user to the mansion and a name came up.

"I found the problem." Connor said as they all came to see what it was. " It looks like someone is downloading content from this site and it's blocking up the server." Connor explained.

"Who's doing it?" Danni asked.

"Someone called Frostyman99." Connor said.

Kitty's eyes widened "Bobby." she muttered under her breath.

"I have a guess at what he's downloading so I won't look at it…bbbuuuuttt I can replace it with something more…suitable of Mr. Drake." Connor said.

"I haven't forgotten about last week, it took me hours to get the smell out of my clothes!" Kitty said.

"Or when he replaced my notes with Playgirl magazines." Danni said.

"He took my beer." Logan said.

Logan just wanted to be included, I guess.

LETS DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN!

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"Ok then let's do this." Connor said as he began their revenge.

HOURS LATER

Bobby was at his desktop computer after hours of Teaching.

"Ok time for some midnight action! And tonight's selection is…WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Bobby shouted.

As a bunch of ads just popped up by the hundreds and crashed his computer completely.

"AWW MAN!" Bobby shouted as it was heard throughout the mansion.

After exacting their revenge with Connor's help Logan, Connor, Danni and Kitty walked through the hallways and to the front door of the mansion as Connor was leaving.

The freaking Legion of Superheroes never had this much time-trouble.

Well, after Connor is introduced to everyone he does this:

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Connor made sure he was out of sight as he ducked into an alleyway, then he had his hand on his belt buckle and pressed a button on it as something activated.

He was covered in light as his outfit changed, he wore a sleeveless black shirt with a silver X shape lining on the centre of it, he wore black combat pants with black boots, and a black trench coat with red on the inside of it and except for his mouth the res of his face was covered by a black mask.
"It's hero time!"

I don’t know whether to or [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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As he flew up in the air and was on patrol of New York City, he flew at some speed but then he heard some gunshots as he just flew down to the source of it and saw the bank was being robbed…as usual.

Oh, those banks… Why do we even bother having them?

Well, I’m gonna just let the whole next scene play out for you to enjoy. I think it’s fucking hilarious.

I’ll be back later to continue this snark, It’s gonna be my next project. There are 11 chapters of this, and I’ve just brought you to the end of chapter 2.
So, without further ado, please enjoy the funniest/most incompetent thing penned by a fanbrat I’ve read in a very long time.

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As then he walked into the main hall and saw there were four masked bank robbers and they were armed with weapons as he also saw several hostages.

"Okay gentlemen, drop your weapons and surrender now or I'll have to use force, which means using my little finger."

"Whack the sucker!"

They all started shooting at him as then he just stood there and the bullets just bounced off of him as he just waited until they ran out of ammo as they did, he disappeared within a blink of an eye he managed to get behind one of them and sent him flying into the wall knocking him out.

The robbers were shocked as they tried to load up their guns with one of them just hiding from him as the other two were on their own as he walked towards them with more shots being fired at him but he continued to do so as he just grabbed both ends of their guns and just crushed them like paper as they just dropped their destroyed weapons and ran for it but he stopped them as he kicked a trashcan as it rolled towards them at some speed and took them both out.

"Hey hero! He turned to see the last one holding some sort of a switch " Time for some boom-boom!" as he pushed it and a timer went off.

He acted fast as he sped past the assailant but knocked him into the side wall and heard the ticking coming from the vault as it was a giant bomb.

"This thing's enough to blow the entire building to hell! Better get rid of it."

He used his strength to carry the bomb away as he sped out of there and flew up into the air and just swung it into the sky as it flew up and up and eventually clearing the atmosphere and into space.

"In space no one can hear you."

He flew back down to check on things as police did arrive as he made sure if everyone was ok.

"Is everyone ok?" he asked an officer.

"Yeah I take it this is your work?" the officer asked.

"Guilty as charged." he replied.

"Well you do realise you caught a gang we've been after for months now, they'll be doin time all thanks to you…uh…

"I'm just…Xtreme." Xtreme said as he flew off.

Oh yeah.. This story is Xtreme, all right!

Cheers!

And then I took a breath and then I smiled and then I put one foot forward and then I put the other foot forward and then a fireball came down from the sky and obliterated me. The End!

Seriously, the way this author describes actions is just fucking annoying.

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"Whack the sucker!"

That just makes me laugh for some reason.

Yay! Our big hero crashed some poor sucker's computer out of revenge!

Was I the only person "hoping" for Linkara/ '90s Kid slashfic?

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"Sorry kids I was joking, I'm actually the new Computer Science Teacher." Connor said in between laughs.

"OHHH." most of them said in unison as a few laughs were heard.

The laugh overed quickly though.

Can we take up a collection to buy this author some FUCKING PUNCTUATION?! The run-on sentences are killing me.

Lol for Johnny Xtreme. I miss X-Play being worth watching.

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"I'm just…Xtreme." Xtreme said as he flew off.

This is even funnier when you know that Marvel already used that name

Princess wrote:

Was I the only person "hoping" for Linkara/ '90s Kid slashfic?

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"Sorry kids I was joking, I'm actually the new Computer Science Teacher." Connor said in between laughs.

"OHHH." most of them said in unison as a few laughs were heard.

The laugh overed quickly though.

It would be even funnier if the 'hero's' brother was stepped on by his evil boss; the Superintendent.

Trioculus wrote:

Lol for Johnny Xtreme. I miss X-Play being worth watching.

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"I'm just…Xtreme." Xtreme said as he flew off.

This is even funnier when you know that Marvel already used that name

I THOUGHT the name sounded familiar. Isn't he supposed to Cyclops and Havok's previously unknown brother? Or do I have the wrong character? (people who were believed to be only children ALWAYS have long-lost brothers/sisters popping up in the X-Verse; it's nigh well impossible to keep track of all of them).

Trioculus wrote:

Lol for Johnny Xtreme. I miss X-Play being worth watching.

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"I'm just…Xtreme." Xtreme said as he flew off.

This is even funnier when you know that Marvel already used that name

.... Really Marvel? At least this writer didn't feel the need to make the name even dumber then he did.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Trioculus wrote:

Lol for Johnny Xtreme. I miss X-Play being worth watching.

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"I'm just…Xtreme." Xtreme said as he flew off.

This is even funnier when you know that Marvel already used that name

I THOUGHT the name sounded familiar. Isn't he supposed to Cyclops and Havok's previously unknown brother? Or do I have the wrong character? (people who were believed to be only children ALWAYS have long-lost brothers/sisters popping up in the X-Verse; it's nigh well impossible to keep track of all of them).

bleachedblackcat wrote:

.... Really Marvel? At least this writer didn't feel the need to make the name even dumber then he did.

Technically That character is 'X-Treme', with a hyphen. There is also an X-Man team called X-treme, consisting of Storm, Bishop, Beast, Thunderbird and Sage.

I honestly wasn't surprised about an existing character called 'Xtreme' or whatever. I was, actually, expecting him to be a Liefield creation, and I thought I knew who the character was... Turns out the character I was thinkning of was Supreme

X-Treme, the marvel character, is more often known as Adam-X, and may be Cyclops & Havok's uterinal (same mother) half-brother. Adam's dad is beleived to be D'Ken, an alien overlord.

Also... Did you know that Scott and Alex's dad isn't dead? Turns out that in the plane crash 'something' happened, and now Cristopher Summers is an intergalactic space pirate with a wicked moustache called Corsair.?

[edit] That is that Chris Summers is called Corsair, not his moustache. Although that would be cool too.

I think it's pretty well established that Adam-X was who Fabian Nicieza intended to be the "third Summers brother", even though his Dad, D'Ken, is not a Summers. Of course, their relation was never established in-story, and years later Marvel pulled a retcon out of it's ass on the matter and brought us this guy

And as for Corsair...

Spoiler:

And for anyone not an X-Men fan and getting the sense that the Summers family is complicated...you're right. Between the retcons, the mystery relatives, the time travellers, the clones, the time travelling clones, and the dudes from alternate timelines, it's a Byzantine mess.

Trioculus wrote:

I think it's pretty well established that Adam-X was who Fabian Nicieza intended to be the "third Summers brother", even though his Dad, D'Ken, is not a Summers. Of course, their relation was never established in-story, and years later Marvel pulled a retcon out of it's ass on the matter and brought us this guy

AHA! So that's who he is! In the review I linked to Topless Robot's 8 of Professor X's Biggest Dick Moves... That guy and the shenanigans surrounding him are listed at #5. I had no clue who he was.

[edit: Which only does to prove that I didn't read TR's article too closely... )

Cheers!

Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb!

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Logan just wanted to be included, I guess.

LETS DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN!

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As then he walked into the main hall and saw there were four masked bank robbers and they were armed with weapons as he also saw several hostages.

"Okay gentlemen, drop your weapons and surrender now or I'll have to use force, which means using my little finger."

"Whack the sucker!"

They all started shooting at him as then he just stood there and the bullets just bounced off of him as he just waited until they ran out of ammo as they did, he disappeared within a blink of an eye he managed to get behind one of them and sent him flying into the wall knocking him out.

This has always bothered me about comics. The "look at that stupid guy in tights. What a doofus. Let's smoke 'em." reaction that almost every common street thug seems to have when he sees a superhero. Seriously. This guy is living in a world where Sentinels are flying through the sky, Dr. Doom is the leader of a small country, Spider-Man comes swinging through the streets every other day, and Captain America is not just a high-profile government worker, but an American icon. Why is it that their reaction to a guy in colorful tights is always "Ha ha. Who does that?"

It seems to me that if you lived in a comic book world, and you were robbing a bank, and some guy came in wearing leotards, the default response would be, "Awwww, damn it. No no, Ricky Legs, put the gun down. The guys a superhero. Ok, Mr. Superhero, we give up. Just come over here and fuck us in the ass."

Back we go…

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As day broke and Connor's alarm went off he hit the off button as then by accident he shattered it into a million pieces as he looked to the time was 7.23 a.m. as he groaned and threw the covers off of himself and got up.

I still can’t get over this guy’s writing style. Who taught him that the word ‘as’ was a substitute for any form of punctuation?

Anyway, it turns out that foiling the bank robbery wasn’t the only thing Xtreme did last night…

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he had to handle a mugging, a burglary and some super villain named the Hobgoblin.

The guy looked as if Halloween came early for this guy as he was making his escape with some jewellery on some sort of flying glider

Why is the Hobgoblin robbing a jewelry store? He already owns his own fashion company. The guy is not a thug, he is an extortionist, blackmailer and behind-the-scenes crime lord…

But then, I suppose expecting fanbrats to have any concept of the characters they shake their jizz over is always too much to ask. Hobgoblin is a supervillan and supervillans rob jewelry stores… The Silver Age said so.

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He just finished in the shower and at super speed got himself dressed in black trousers, black suit jacket , a white shirt and was doing his hair in the mirror as he adjusted his red tie he looked in the mirror and put on the final touch, the glasses.

Okay this is it, make or break just show em what you've got!

As Connor was now ready to start he grabbed his briefcase with his notes and left his place locked up and left.

It’s the little details in a story that can turn it from a bland scene to an absorbing experience, don’t you agree?

Well, just as he’s about to head to his first day at work his ‘supersonic hearing’ picks up someone screaming.

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"And just when I thought it would be a crime free day!" Xtreme said.

“I mean gawd didn’t you criminals do enough crime yesterday? Sheesh!

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"Well that takes care of that!" Xtreme said out loud tying up the last crook.

What?

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He then looked to his watch and went wide eyed. "Crap! Only ten minutes to go!" Xtreme said as he just flew off at super speed.

Are you kidding me? We got near 2 paragraphs explaining his morning routine and then you skip over some actual action in less than two sentences?

And as it turns out he makes it to the school in time anyhow, so what was the point in this little excursion? If you were trying to make us anxious, playing on the “Will he be late for his first day at work?” angle, then you failed… And do you know why you failed? Because you didn’t do anything!

He flew as fast as he could as he reached the mansion but landed a few yards away from the place as he changed back into his normal apparel and walked to the gates as he pushed the button as he was buzzed in and he walked quickly to the door as he made his way in.

So Xtreme wanders back to the institute and bunps into Rachel Grey.

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"Y'know most guys just say hi, but in your case it's by surprise." Rachel joked.

You know, I think I’ve figured out the underlying, subtle supervillan plot at work here. Some shady, scheming fiend has somehow erased all traces of humor from the world! Thus leaving people mistaking sentences and misjudged statements for jokes!

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"If you think that was good you should see me actually try and surprise someone, they never see it coming." Connor joked.

“Because if they saw it coming it would not be a surprise. Ha. Ha. I made a joke. Ha. Ha.”

Connor goes to his classroom and begins his class.

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”Uh ok then well I guess it's welcome to Computer Science, my name's Mr. Masters, so before I get to the thrilling parts of learning." that remark earned him some laughs as he continued.

In unison, everyone in the class replied: “Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

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Connor called them all by roll call and asked them what their powers were,

You see, that way the mutant students can feel appreciated for their individual personality rather than having them simply labeled as a provider for a particular energy beam or whatever… Oh, wait…

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"Since you asked us questions can we ask you some?" a student asked.

"I will answer any of your questions, so ask away." Connor said.

"Are you single?" as most of the girls in the class said in unison with Connor taken back by that but just smiled.

"Unfortunately for me, yes I am." Connor answered as they were smiling in delight by that.

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"What powers do you have?" a student asked.

"Well I don't have any, the only powers I do have is my vast knowledge in computing and the ability to talk my way into and out of trouble." Connor said.
Most of them were now a bit worried that their new teacher was a human as Connor could see it on their faces.

Remember that ‘Some of my best friends are mutants from earlier?

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"Now before you all jump the gun and think that cos I'm human and I'll say " I hate you." I don't mean cos you're mutants or anything and believe me I've seen stranger things and met stranger people…

“I mean, you guys are strange… Being mutants and all… But this one guy… Wooooo!”

A little more and we get some back-story:

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"I was actually fired from my last job for helping a mutant, she was only twelve and last I heard she got taken away by the police for armed robbery, I wish I could've done more to help her." Connor said sombrely.

If I’m reading this right, does this mean that Connor was fired from his last job for aiding and abetting a criminal?

Connor never goes on to explain any extenuating circumstances, or reason for false prosecution, he just leaves it at that. You’d have thought this would have shown up in his interview earlier.

Speaking of which, why did he previously say he had glowing references from his previous employers if he was sacked for being involved with a mutant bank robber?

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As then a hand was raised.

"Uh yes…" he looked through the rotor and saw the name. "Miss Jubilee." Connor asked.

Miss Lee. Her name is Jubilation Lee.

Lunchtime comes around and Connor sits with the X-Men A-List, meeting Beast for the first time.

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"Hello, Dr. Hank McCoy pleasure to meet you." Hank said introduced himself as he extended his hand out to him.

"Connor Masters, it's an pleasure to meet you Dr. McCoy." Connor sad meeting his hand and shaking it.

Connor sad

A conversation ensues and it is revealed that Connor is replacing Xorn as the institute’s Computer Science teacher…

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"It was a man named Xorn." Scott said in spite.

"Well just saying he knew nothing from using the mouse to even sending an email." Connor said.

I’m not even going to touch that little nugget of idiocy. Mosty because doing so involves delving into who Xorn is, and I honestly don’t have the patience or will for that.

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”So Connor, what powers do you have?" Bobby asked.

“Yup, that’s all we mutants talk about I mean, we’re such a boring bunch, if we didn’t have our powers, God only knows what we’d do for small talk, am I right guys?”

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Connor just laughed "I think I better start making this my catchphrase from now on, no I do not have any powers I'm human." Connor said.
Everyone looked at him in shock and confusion as he just made that public knowledge to them.

"Uh didn't the Professor tell you? I hope you're all not upset by that cause if that is a problem then I…

Bobby came in. "Whoa there, we're not judging you it's just you're the first human teacher here." he said.

I can’t find any proof, but I doubt this is the case.

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"Oh really? Then I guess I'm honoured, but I'm okay with mutants, my best friend was one." Connor said.

That line just tickles me. Anyway, now that Connor’s best friend the mutant has been brought up, guess what the nxt topic of conversation will be?

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"Really, what was his power?" Danni asked.

Anyway: MARTY-STU TWAGIC PAST SECTION GO!

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Scott tried to change the subject. "So what do your parents think of you working here?" he asked.

"I don't think they mind, my dad disappeared when I was five and my mom died three years ago." Connor said now in even more pain.

Scott knew he had done it again as he should have just rammed his fist down his throat as he just remained silent.

"Scott!" Emma said to him as she nudged him.

"Oh Connor I'm so sorry for that, he didn't…

"It's okay Rachel, none of you knew, I mean I'm okay talking about them, everyone it's fine really." Connor reassured them all.

Moving on… Later in the day Connor relaxes in the teachers’ lounge and thumbs through a newspaper with Nightcrawler.

[quote]Connor looked at the cover and saw the title Criminals taken to the Xtreme.

He read what it said as he was now famous and the fact that Xtreme had now arrived and was ready to defend the city of New York from the scum of the Earth.[/ quote]

Lucky New York, huh?

Storm enters and we get thi scene, which I keep trying to imagine and keep bursting out laughing with:

Quote :

"Pleasure to meet you Mr. Masters." Ororo said extending her hand out.

"Same here." Connor said meeting her hand as they shook.

I dunno about you but I’m stuck with the mental image of Connor and Storm having a seizure while Connor walks into Storm’s hand.

More superhero antics with Xtreme:

Quote :

But just then as he turned around he could hear some screaming as one of them had pulled a gun and was holding a hostage.

"It's over, put the gun down." Xtreme said.

"You better back off man, I swear I'll put a bullet in his head!"

See if you can make sense of this next paragraph.

Quote :

He was a desperate man, nothing to lose and no way out but he had to act fast or the hostage was done for, he needed to disarm him as he pulled something from out his coat as the gunman was feeling nervous as then he produced from his coat…a Twinkie.

Now see if you can guess what he does with it…

Quote :

"Okay I'll tell you what let that guy go and I'll make you a deal." Xtreme negotiated.

"What kind of deal?"

"Let him go and we duel, your gun versus my Twinkie." Xtreme made the deal.

Criminal: “Ummm… Or, you can back the fuck off and I won’t kill this guy… I’m sorry, but the potential benefits of me leaveing here without being superheroe’d outweigh the prospect of having a gun-vs.Twinkie battle with you. The firefight previous has already demonstrated that you’re bullet proof so there is no advantage to me letting this hostage go and facing you in any form of fair contest.”

Well… That’s what you’d think the criminal would think… but instead:

Quote :

he was now feeling confident as he threw the guy to one side and pointed the gun at him.

"Not such a hero now are ya?" as Xtreme saw his finger on the trigger.

“HAHA! I’ve thrown my bargaining chip away and now I’ve got a gun pointed at you! And you’ve only got a Twinkie, your immunity to physical harm and your superhuman speed and strength! Sucks to be you! Haha!”

Quote :

As the bullet was fired, but he threw the Twinkie as it just bounced the bullet off target hitting the ceiling as it flew at him and smacked him hard in the head as he flew a few feet across the room, as it seemed the impact had knocked him out.

Okay, I don’t care how hard, fast and accurately you throw a Twinkie, it is not going to deflect a bullet, it cannot ricochet off of anything and it will not hit a person with enough force to knock them unconscious.

Quote :

Xtreme approached the unconscious gunman as he picked up his snack, unwrapped it and ate it.

And it certainly wouldn’t be in any form of edible condition afterwards!

Quote :

"Isn't there anything a Twinkie can't do?" Xtreme said to himself as he continued to eating.

“Apparently fucking not!” WD40 said as he continued to headdesking.

Well the professor calls a staff meeting to discuss how Connor is doing as a teacher. It is swiftly agreed that he is awesome and they should celebrate by asking him out for dinner.

Quote :

As it was now the night Connor would have dinner with the staff and was feeling a bit nervous but excited at the same time.

"Okay Con-man, you can do this just act natural, don't make a complete ass of yourself!"

He mentally prepped himself as he was adjusting his glasses, as he was outside the door and took a deep breathe and rung the doorbell.

As then the door opened and Logan answered it.

"Hey kid we're all waitin for ya." Logan said as he invited him in.

He led him through the ground floor and into a very laid out dining hall as all the food, plates, cutlery and including the staff who were seated nicely and awaiting his arrival.

Connor: “Wow! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dining hall quite as laid out as this one. It really is very, very laid out.”
More people are introduced:

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As then he saw two new faces, one was a blond man who looked a little like Scott "Connor this is Alex Summers he's the remedial Teacher." The Professor introduced.

As they shook hands "Nice to meet you man, looking forward to knowing you better." Alex said.

"And this is Rahne Sinclair she teaches the Religious Studies classes." The Professor also introduced a red haired woman also his age as they shook hands.

"Pleasure to meet ya laddie, I heard a lot from the others bout you, hope you do better than our last one." Rahne said.

Why is Wolfsbane (Rahne) introduced? Buggered if I know. She doesn’t do anything in this scene…

Anyway, remembering the awkwardness of their last conversation, Cyclops decides that the best topic of conversation over dinner is:

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"So Connor do ever wonder what happened to your father?" Scott asked.

Nothing comes of this though and we continue:

Quote :

as the night went on Connor began to tell them stories of some of his random exploits.

"And that's why I can never play ultimate Frisbee again." Connor said.

"Your kidding me right? You managed to break several dorm room windows and the Dean's trophy cabinet and got away with it?" Danni asked holding her sides from laughter.

“Yes, Danni, that is what I have just finished telling you. Also afterwards the Dean ran out and was yelling “MASTERS!”, so I turned to my frat-bros and said “Cheese it, guys!”.”

Quote :

"I know it's amazing how they didn't go CSI on me, luckily everyone just cheesed it

Oh, fuck me…

I swear, I wrote the previous bit having not read ahead. I honestly didn’t think the author would go there.

After dinner Connor slips off, goes Xtreme and flies off, just in time for an explosion to happen. On the way he has an inner monologue.

Quote :

"Why can't I be normal?"

"Cos you're not, you have a destiny to fulfil, a future to preserve and a planet to protect."

"But I'm not you! I'm not like you dad! I want my own life!"

"I know son, but the power you hold in your hands is the power of what is beyond a mere mortal, mutant or higher being in the universe and with that power it comes the responsibility of being a saviour or destroyer, you chose to be a saviour to the people."

"Yeah but why can't I have what they all have? Why do people I care for get hurt? Why should they have to suffer?"

"It's the price of having your gifts, they are also your curse…accept your destiny.

With great power comes great responsibility, there can be only one, the sleeper must awaken, this is not vengeance, it is punishment, the city calls to me, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry, I am the law, cowabunga.

Do you know what the explosion turns out to be? Me neither, we jump straight to:

Quote :

Bzzzzzzzzzzz

Connor's alarm went off as he just woke up from his dream and just bashed the button to switch it off as he rolled over to check the time…

[…]

"8:50! OH I'M GONNA BE LATE!" Connor shouted to himself.

As he threw the covers off and in super speed he showered, dressed and ate breakfast in seconds as he checked how he looked, he was fine as he sped out of his apartment locking it behind him.

He then went up to the roof and pressed the belt buckle to change into his costume and fly off at super speed as he desperately tried to get to work on time as he flew through the city.

I still… STILL cannot figure out how this guy developed this writing style. It’s just bizarre! How? Why?

Quote :

"What the…oh, I guess you guys didn't get enough the last time did ya?" Xtreme shouted as he saw who the culprits were.

It was the Jade Syndicate and it seemed they were sore with him after he stopped their diamond heist as they launched another missile at him.

Who? The Jade Syndicate? Oh, you have got to be kidding me…

Although there is a chance that the author has made this up, I honestly doubt it… The Jade Syndicate appear, as far as I know, only in one medium. Specifically: The Spiderman PS1 game from 2000.

Unbelievable! As far as I know, they’re not even canon. Marvel Universe.com doesn’t even have an empty entry for them!

Well, as it turns out this attack is going on just as Danni, Kitty, Rachel and Rahne are out shopping. I’ll remind you that this attack is happening at just before 9am, and all of the characters mentioned are teaching staff.

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Another explosion went off as they saw a bunch of guys strewn unconscious on the streets as then a huge metallic object came flying towards them prompting them to get out of the way!

Kitty just stood there and let it phase through her as Rachel grabbed it and stopped it hitting a crowd of people as she used her telekinesis to lower it gently on the ground but on upon closer look of it…

"A robot?" Rachel said.

"And by the look of the bad guys here, they're the Jade Syndicate." Danni said.

"But who's fighting em lass?" Rahne asked as her question was answered.

Rhane is Scottish, don’cha know.

Quote :

Xtreme had just finished off the last remnant of the Jade Syndicate, they sent men, assassins, enforcers and even robots and he still came out smelling like roses

That’s about all I can stand for now… Tune in next time!

I'm wondering where Rogue is in this story. I mean, you don't have to write Rogue into an X-Men story, but you should give some hint of where she is.

I'm glad she's not in this story. Most writers either butcher her accent or misspell her name, or both. Let's leave well enough alone, shall we?

Quote :

Most writers either butcher her accent or misspell her name, or both. Let's leave well enough alone, shall we?

True, true. I guess I should be glad both she and Gambit aren't in the story. Very few people get their accents right. In Gambit's case, he usually ends up sounding like he failed an oral French test.

[quote]

Quote :

Connor looked at the cover and saw the title Criminals taken to the Xtreme.

He read what it said as he was now famous and the fact that Xtreme had now arrived and was ready to defend the city of New York from the scum of the Earth.[/ quote]

Lucky New York, huh?

Well they need all the help from bank robbers they can get, what with the five thousand or so superheros living in the city.

Some day one of the villians is going to get really smart and set themselves up as the crime lord of Utah or something.

Quote :

Well, as it turns out this attack is going on just as Danni, Kitty, Rachel and Rahne are out shopping. I’ll remind you that this attack is happening at just before 9am, and all of the characters mentioned are teaching staff.

I like to pretend to myself that it's really Saturday, and Captain Xtreme Awesome didn't realize it.

Is it just me or is Gary Stu flirting with Rachel? Dangerous territory there, pal.

1. She's a telepath
2. Her Dad helps run the school.
3. Her brother has one of the biggest gun collections in the Marvel Universe.

Quote :

"GUYS!" Danni yelled looking and pointed up.

The piece of the ledge came crashing down and was about to fall on them

That’s not really a problem is it? Kitty pride can turn insubstantial, Wolfsbane (Rahne) has superhuman speed and reflexes, so isn’t in trouble… even if she was crushed she can regenerate pretty quick. Granted, Moonstone is In a bit of a pickle… Depending on when this story is set she may or may not be able to shoot energy beams, but none of that matters because one of them is Rachel Fucking Sommers one of the most powerful psychics on the planet, and is easily capable of holding up a skyscraper with her head.

Nevertheless, looks like the girls need Xtreme to save them…

Quote :

The piece of the ledge came crashing down and was about to fall on them until something stopped it and saw that Xtreme had grabbed it and floated down and put it down to one side as he faced the four mutant women.

"You ladies still in one piece?" Xtreme asked.

"Y..Y..Yeah we're okay." Rachel said.

"Nice one laddie." Rahne said.

Ugh.

Quote :

"That was amazing!" Danni said.

Yeah… It’s so rare for superheroes to see things like that…

Anyway… Upon returning to the institute, Connor learns that school has been called of due to plot, and that he and Logan have to have a meeting with Xavier. Once there, he learns that both o them have learned of Connor’s double life as Xtreme.

Quote :

Connor knew this could be the end of his teaching career there as he just wanted to get the whole firing thing over with.

Connor couldn’t think of any other people who doubled as teachers and superheroes... Hay, waitaminute...

Quote :

"Well you should be lucky they didn't decide to pursue this, but Connor you must tread lightly, if anyone catches wind of this, it could spell trouble for yourself and the institute." The Professor warned.

Yes, Professor... Having superhero activity connected to the Xavier Institute could be bad press... Now eat your soup.

Quote :

"I'll do what I can but I'm continuing my work, New York needs heroes and I have to do this, if that's okay?" Connor asked.

As pointed out before, New York is crawling with Superheroes... (Literally, in some instances)

Anyway, authour’s note at the start of the next chapter:

Quote :

Here we are, I hope this will be better than the last one so enjoy!

Computer: Set expectations to minimum.

Quote :

But he was now in full teaching mode as he was in the library researching some new techniques he could use in his classes as he took several notes from different text books he was hard at work.

Jeez...

Quote :

He turned and saw that Rachel was using the ladder to get a book as he chuckled at her trying to balance on the ladder and also was also admiring her from down there.

I know this is, like, the third or forth time I’ve mentioned this but I simply cannot get over this guy’s writing style. Just, how to you write something like this, read it back to yourself, and think it’s normal... How do you do that?

Quote :

he looked up to Rachel and the ladder's steps she was currently standing on as he could feel the material breaking under the pressure of holding her weight as then it snapped as she lost her balance and the ladder toppled.

"Ahhh! Heeellpp!" Rachel yelled.

He saw her hanging from there "Hang on Rachel I'm coming!" Connor shouted and raced from his desk over to her as he was below her.

"Connor help…I'm slipping!" Rachel panicked.

"The ladder's broken, Rachel I'll have to catch you." Connor said.

"What? You'll get hurt?" Rachel said.

"Just do it, I'll be fine…I promise." Connor said.

It’s not as though Marvel Girl can’t fucking fly

Quote :

She let go and landed right on top of Connor as he felt her crashing down on top of him.

"Ow…ok maybe I was wrong I think you broke my ass." Connor groaned.