"Nightmare on the TARDIS" -- Good parody, or bad seriousness? I think you already know.

A Doctor Who/Nightmare on Elm Street crossover. Hold on to your fedoras. This is going to be bad.

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This is a two-person snark, by your mom and FreakEgg.

Like a lot of things, Doctor Who/Nightmare on Elm Street has the potential to be funny as a parody. Unfortunately, the author is dead serious. Excuse the pun.

It’s one of those things that makes rape, spousal and child abuse, and child murder seem funny, and then makes you feel a little bad when you realize that you just laughed at rape, spousal and child abuse, and child murder.

I should remind you at this point that this is a Doctor Who fic. Remember that one episode that had rape, spousal and child abuse, and child murder? Yeah, neither do I. I do realize that this stuff is coming over from the Freddy side of the crossover, but still. Why bother crossing it over with Doctor Who at all? How did those seem like two similar things?

Like all good fanfiction, it’s full of inexplicable shifts between past and present tense, mediocre characterization at best, a complete disregard for canon, and bad spelling just to top it all off.

Anyway, we begin with a nice little attempted-rape scene, with no warnings whatsoever. Who doesn’t want to read about Donna Noble almost getting raped? I certainly see no need to warn for that.

Quote :

Donna Noble walked down the empty hallway again. It had been the third time this week that she has done this, she can't figure out what's causing it.

your mom: What could possibly be causing her to walk down a hallway?

So she walks down a hallway, without knowing what’s causing it, and suddenly the hallway turns into a dark alleyway.

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She turned to run, but she runs right into the most horrible face she's ever seen. The man has a terribly burned face, with a red and green striped ragged sweater, and a leather cowboy hat.

your mom: Yee-hah. Freddy’s back from the rodeo, and he’s coming for you.

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"Awe how sad, the little slut bothered to wear a bra, oh well, just going to have to cut it off." Then he made another slash in the air. Donna let out a scream as a long deep cut was in between her breasts, she crimson liquid.

your mom: ...She crimson liquid? I think you’re missing a verb in there. Maybe something like, “She loved crimson liquid. Her favourite was cranberry juice.”

FreakEgg: Looks like a case of “I accidentally a whole coca-cola bottle”.

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"Fight back, just fight back" she yells at herself, but the fear she has for this man makes her body horribly mute. She begins to whimper as he moves one of his hands over her body. He sniffs the air, then looks down at her and laughs another cold laugh.

"Saving it for me doll!" he said referring to the fact that she was a virgin. She lets out a small whine as he begins to take of his clothes.

your mom: Donna is in her thirties. I highly doubt she’s a virgin. ...And he can smell that she’s a virgin? Is this some new power of Freddy’s that I haven’t heard about?

Actually, Donna being a virgin in her dream makes more sense than most of this story. Dying a virgin would be my nightmare too.

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"Oi, what's going on?" Donna yells trying to get out from under him. He laughs again, pining her arms over her head.

your mom: It’s raping time, that’s what’s going on. Seriously; Donna might not know how to change a plug, but I’m sure she can figure out from all the subtle hints he’s been dropping what Freddy’s intending here.

FreakEgg: Is Donna not a little old for Freddy’s taste? In the movies he goes after teenage girls. He used to be a child molester, too.

Quote :

"I'm going to make you into a woman, but I should warn you, the first time can get a little messy." he says raising his razors again.

FreakEgg: A line recycled directly from one of the movies. Actually, the Freddy characterization is probably the best characterization in the story. Which is a little sad, considering the author needs to recycle lines like that.

your mom: So Donna finally manages to fight back and get away, and the alleyway turns into an old house.

FreakEgg: Holy shit, could that be Freddy’s house? I mean, a house in a Freddy dream? What the fuck could that be?!

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"Oi, let me out!" she yelled tugging at the door handle. She heard his heart wrenching laugh; it seemed to be coming from all around the room. She covered her ears, and closed her eyes

your mom: Wait... wait. Was that a properly-used semicolon? ...Oh my God.

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"Stop it!" she screamed over the booming laugh. The laughing stopped almost instantly, and was replaced by a soft crying. Donna opened her eyes to find that she was in a dirty bedroom, with a small girl with blond hair who had her head in her lap.

"What's wrong? Are you okay? Where are your mother and father?" Donna said kindly creeping up behind her.

your mom: Creeping up behind frightened children is not a great way to earn their trust, no matter how kindly you’re doing it.

FreakEgg: Her parents are DEEEEEAAAAAAAD.

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Donna screamed the little girls eyes were two empty bleeding sockets. Just then, a man grabbed her from behind and glared at her, it was the same man from the alleyway.

your mom: So Freddy’s back. Resume the rape scene from earlier.

FreakEgg: Not to mention, Freddy’s using the exact same eye-gouging he used in Freddy vs Jason. That one time.

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Tears begin to run down her face, as he begins to kiss her neck. She closes her eyes, and looks away, and then she notices something, a small burn mark on his left arm.
His whole arm is burned, but this is a pattern, it's in the shape of a small cross, she doesn't know what made her do it, but she suddenly gets an idea. He lets go of her arms, and he begins to explore her body further. She looks over at her pile of clothes, and then slowly reaches to get something in her pants pocket. The man is to 'busy', her to notice it.

your mom: What’s he doing, making tea? Playing tiddlywinks?

FreakEgg: Maybe being aroused by the mutilated little girl? Nah, that would make too much sense.

Quote :

She puts her hand in her pocket and pulls something out on a small chain, a tiny silver cross that The Doctor gave her last Christmas.
She pulls it out and stabs him. He lets out a loud howl of pain as Donna's eyes get wide. Instead of blood coming out from him, white smoke comes pouring out of the wound.

FreakEgg: Smoke? Smoke. Right, okay, Freddy = vampire. It all makes sense now.

your mom: And how do you stab someone with a tiny silver cross? I wouldn’t think it would be very sharp.

FreakEgg: Maybe its one of them new fangled Swiss Army crosses.

Quote :

He gets off her as the wound begins to get bigger. She looks at the tiny cross in her hand as he continues to howl in pain. She runs over to him, and stabs him in the face.
He lets out another scream of pain, as even more smoke comes out from him. She gives him another stab in the chest as the smoke grows. He looks at her as an angry father would look at his daughter.

your mom: “Donna, I am very disappointed with you. I told you you couldn’t take the car. Now go to your room, young lady, and think about what you did.”

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She picks herself up, and begins running, ignoring the loud ruckus that he's making. She runs out of the room, down the stairs, and out the house. She runs all the way until she reaches to the other side of the street.

your mom: “Well, that’s probably far enough,” Donna reasoned. “Everyone knows Freddy can’t cross streets.”

FreakEgg: He needs an adult to hold his hand, obviously.

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She breathes a quick sigh of relief and looks down; all her clothes are on her again. She takes another deep breath, and then a pair of hands spin her around so that she is facing him.
His whole body almost completely covered by the thick white smoke. She screams, and then he pushes her down and advances on her. He raises his hand and Donna yells as loud as she can for her beloved Doctor.

FreakEgg: Actually, I’d pay good money to see Freddy vs. the Doctor.

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"Donna, wake up!" The Doctor says shaking her. Donna bolted up and looked around her bedroom, and then at the Doctor sitting next to her.
"Are you okay?" The Doctor asked sincerely. Donna looked over at him.
"I think so. The dream, it seemed so real, and so." but she couldn't find a word to describe it.

your mom: So familiar? Like a movie you might have seen in the 80s?

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"It must have been some dream, you were screaming as loud as you could."
The Doctor looked at her sympathetically. He wished he could have been there, in her dream, to save her from whatever it was.

your mom: [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

FreakEgg: I bet a sonic screwdriver could defeat Freddy. I mean, nobody's tried it yet.

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"Did I wake you; if I did then I'm sorry." The two of them haven't had any sleep for more then ten hours all week. Jack has been keeping both The Doctor and Donna on missions for Torchwood, and having a new born baby can also affect your sleeping patterns as well.

your mom: No, d’you think? Hey wait, I thought Donna was a virgin according to this story.

FreakEgg: Donna’s playing the role of the Virgin Mary in this fic.

your mom: And what kind of a dick is Jack in this story, he can’t handle his own shit? He usually does just fine; but all of a sudden, they have a newborn baby and he needs their help 24/7? Maybe he’s just jealous that the Doctor didn’t have a baby with him instead.

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"Yeah but, it wasn't the screaming that woke me up, it was the baby that got me up." He said running his hand through his hair.
"I'm sorry; you could have woken me up. I sure wouldn't ha-" but she stopped. She really didn't want to trouble the Doctor with her dreams.

your mom: Telling someone about a dream you had is always SUCH a trouble.

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"What was that dream about?" The Doctor asked in concern.
"Nothing. I'm sorry for not waking up." she said looking down. He smiled at her, and then kissed her gently.
"Don't worry about it. Are you sure you're okay?" She gave him a fake smile.
"Yeah, don't worry about it."

FreakEgg: Okay, we got the point. Don’t worry. Moving on?

Quote :

He nodded, kissed her again, then took her in his arms, and they both laid back down together. The Doctor went right back to sleep, but Donna stayed up.
"I'm hope I won't dream about him again." she sighed not know how wrong she was. A few hours later, her cell phone rang.

your mom: So did she dream about him again? Is it not worth mentioning this time?

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"Can't we just throw it out" The Doctor said pulling her closer

FreakEgg: The baby? I hope it’s the baby.

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"Hey it's Jack."
"Figured, what's up?"
"We need you and The Doctor to go investigate a strange murder on 57th street, Brooklyn, New York."

your mom: “Can’t you call the CSI: New York guys? Is investigating murders our job now? Bloody hell.”

Quote :

"Earth?! Fine, fine we'll be there soon." she said yawning again. She hung up the phone. The Doctor looked at her strangely.
"What's wrong?" she asked him.
"Donna, your bleeding." he said pointing to her breasts. She looked down and gasped. In between her breasts were a long deep cut, which was soaking through her tang top.

FreakEgg: A top made completely of delicious orange-flavoured beverage!

Quote :

Finally the Doctor soaked up the sight, "Oh my god! What happened to you?" he said pulling the sheets off of him. He gently stripped Donna of her shirt to look at the cut.

your mom: I read that as ‘to look at the cunt’. That’s more my bad than the author’s, though.

FreakEgg: I wouldn’t be surprised if it did say cunt.

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"I'm not sure" she said looking down. The Doctor was careful not to touch her breast as he traced the cut with his finger. They made love many times, but he still tried to respect her at all times.

that other guy: Least. Sensual. Sex scene. Ever.

your mom: If they “made love many times”, I’m pretty sure she’s not going to be bothered if he grazes her breast in a non-sexual manner while examining a cut on her chest. Personally, I’d rather have him touching my breasts than poking at the fucking deep cut between them.

I guess maybe the author is trying to set up a contrast between Freddy and the Doctor, because that’s a contrast that actually needs to be set up.

FreakEgg: All this time, I thought Freddy Krueger and The Doctor were so similar!

your mom wrote:

A Doctor Who/Nightmare on Elm Street crossover. Hold on to your fedoras.

The very concept reeks of weapons-grade fail.

Chris91 wrote:

your mom wrote:

A Doctor Who/Nightmare on Elm Street crossover. Hold on to your fedoras.

The very concept reeks of weapons-grade fail.

To counterpoint... Considering the number of supernatural entities the doctor has been encountering latly, (Ghosts, etc) Freddy would be right up his [Elm] Street.

I'd have loved to see this done right... Unfortunatly...

Quote :

"Looks pretty deep. What happened?"
"I'm not sure, I'll be fine though." Donna smiled at him then she got up to go in the bathroom. She shut the door, and looked at herself in the mirror.
"Where did I get this cut? It wasn't there this morning, so where the hell did I get it?" She traced a finger down it, then remembered
"My dream! That thing cut me in my sleep, but that's, that's impossible to get cut in your dreams and have it come true." She shook her head and got into the shower, unaware of what was about to happen.
She shook her head and got in the shower.

your mom: Is she getting dizzy from all that head shaking? It’s getting like a heavy metal concert up in here.

Quote :

After about 10 minutes she had gotten out of the shower and looked at the long cut on her chest, it was still bleeding a little bit.

your mom: So what happened that she was unaware of? Was it that the cut would still be bleeding a little bit? That’s what happens when you don’t treat cuts and instead just get in the shower.

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She grabbed a towel, and wiped up the blood from the cut.

your mom: She didn’t put a bandage over it or anything, though. She didn’t care if the blood ruined her shirt. She didn’t really like that shirt anyway.

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"Don't worry about it, I'm sure it's nothing." she thought to herself as she dried herself off. She went out of the bathroom, and got dressed, then went out to the TARDIS kitchen where The Doctor was all ready making coffee for the two of them.

your mom: So there’s a little scene of Donna telling the Doctor where Jack wants them to go investigate the murder, and then we return to our regularly-scheduled concerned!Doctor and evasive!Donna.

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"So are you sure you're okay?" The Doctor asked her. Donna smiled at him. The baby started to cry from the shaking of the TARDIS.
"Yeah, I'll get her." she sad looking him. The Doctor looked at her in disbelief. She starred back arching an eyebrow.
"What?" she asked starting to walk off.
"Are you sure, you never offer to get her." She smirked and walked into the nursery. A few moments later she arrived with a little girl in her arms. She had mocha colored eyes as well as auburn hair, skin as fair as Verona, that's how The Doctor always described his young daughter of only 1.

your mom: Has she aged a year since the beginning of the story? Earlier it said they had a newborn baby.

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Donna sat holding the infant in her arms. The Doctor looked at his beautiful love to see her gaze upon empty air.

your mom: :/ I threw up a little in my mouth.

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"Hey Donna, are really okay?" he asked a final time. He knew he was pushing it, but he had to know. She turned her onto him and glared.
"Doctor, I told you I'm fine. It was just a dream I had. Oi! And don't go tapping into my mind either, Spaceman!" the Doctor let out an aggravated grunt.
"Must have been some dream." he said rubbing his head where Donna had punched him, but he never told her that.

your mom: ...Did I miss a part where she punched him? *rereads* No. Apparently the author didn’t think Donna punching the Doctor in the head was important enough to mention.

Quote :

She yawned, and sat back down letting her eyes close, but she quickly re-opened them.
Donna looked at the holographic map lying before her and Belinda.
"Doctor, I think you took a wrong turn." she said smiling at him. But instead of stopping to argue with her, he just played with more knobs.

FreakEgg: [insert sexual joke here]

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"Doctor what are you doing?" she said looking at him. He still didn't say anything.
"Oi, Spaceman! What are you doing?" she said again her temper growing. He just smiled wickedly.
"I'm just making sure that the little bitch, who got what she deserved, doesn't get 'a Doctor' to help her" he said walking over to Donna leaving the controls to the TARDIS alone.

your mom: Aaaaaand alarm bells should start going off about now, if Donna had any sense at all. Alas, for in this story she does not.

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"Doctor what is wrong with you?" she said a little too loud, for the baby started to wail.
"I'm just saying that it's not fair that the guy, who wanted a little piece of ass, gets prosecuted because the girl said no when she was probably some little slut in the first place." Donna looked at him in surprise
"Doctor, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but I can not believe you just said that. And in front of OUR daughter no less."

FreakEgg: Feel free to say it in front of someone else’s daughter, though.

So basically, the Doctor (who by this point, everyone except apparently Donna knows is actually Freddy) smacks the baby, to Donna’s surprise. This goes on for a while longer, with Donna still not cluing in that it’s not the Doctor, because in this fic, Donna is retarded.

Quote :

Donna looked up at him and stared to cry.
"Doctor, what have you done? I don't know what's wrong with you, but please, give her back to me. I just want my baby back." he punched her, hard, in the face.
"Nothings wrong with me. I just want to be fucked." he said whispering in her ear.

FreakEgg: I’ll fuck you, Freddy!Doctor.

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"Doctor, stop please." She gasped. He just smiled at her, then kicked her in the stomach again, then got on top of her.
"I'll stop when I'm ready." he said his voice changing from his angry voice, to a deep raspy one. Her eyes got wide, and then he hit her. She closed her eyes, and then when she opened them again. Instead of The Doctor on top of her, it was the man with the cowboy hat and the horrible burned face.

FreakEgg: Still trying out that new hat, eh Freddy?

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"Who are you?" she asked with a shaky voice. He laughed cold heartedly.
"I'm your worst nightmare." he said raising his razored hand. Her eyes got wide. "So nice to see you again. Have you missed me?" he said looking her up and down. Taking in every curve, every detail of her body.
"I have wanted to fuck you for so long. I can't wait to have you"

FreakEgg: Freddy Krueger has a widdle crush on Donna Noble. D’[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

So then finally, she wakes up.

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She opened her eyes to see The Doctor bending over her, and he had tears in his eyes. She bolted up and began to take in deep breaths of air. She started to cry, knowing that her only beloved child had died.
"I'm not sure. What happened? Where's Belinda? Is she okay? What have you done with her!?"

FreakEgg: She still has no clue that The Doctor would never punch their baby and then her. Some wife.

I'll never understand fanbrat logic. "I like X, and I like Y, therefore I will write them together, despite the fact that X and Y exist in two totally different universes. I'll make it work!"

Yeah, sure you will. And then we get a lot of "This happens because I say it happened."

EileenK98 wrote:

I'll never understand fanbrat logic.

Einstein would have trouble understanding it. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Oddly enough I could see a theoretical NOES/Dr. Who crossover as possible, however as I learned with a challenge fic I was on for Star Wars (pre-ot)/Dawn of the Dead, it does take an insane amount of research to get two such disparate genres to mesh with any coherency.

Average fanbrat's not going to be doing that since, well, that's effort.

First off- you have Donna Noble-slightly bitchy ostentatious lovably angry Donna Noble-and Doctor number Ten- slightly bi-polar excitable Death Darer who won't share his name with the world (it's prolly something embarrassing, like it translates to buttface or something) or settle down Ten- who's idea was to name the kid Belinda?

Second off- time lords only sleep a few hours at a time according to Dr Who wiki- they can make do with an hour or so. That whole schematic would lend me to believe that he let Donna scream her head off for hours before he waked her, considering she stayed awake enough to "make love many times in a respectful manner". Oh, and the change in sleeping schedule wouldn't really faze the Doctor like it would Donna. Donna would be out fucking cold. the doctor would probably just need coffee.

Third- Ten would not keep asking if Donna didn't want to say what was up. He'd ask once and just let it go and then find some way to investigate it on his own or wait until it came to a head. And Donna being dumb as rocks in this fic has already been covered.

Fourth- Torchwood is for alien investigations. I'll admit I'm too lazy to skim this fic and I've never seen a Freddy Kruger movie, but I'm 99% sure the author didn't make Freddy an alien. So why is this Torchwood's job?

Chris91 wrote:

EileenK98 wrote:

I'll never understand fanbrat logic.

Einstein would have trouble understanding it. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Seconded. Actually I think that fanbrat logic is the complete absence of logic of any kind. As to the story though, I'm not terribly suprised that it exists. Maybe I've become a little jaded, because the only reaction I had to it was meh.

WD40 wrote:

I'd have loved to see this done right... Unfortunatly... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I smell a challenge appearing

Where to begin with this Turgid tale...
Firstly, if these "fanbrats" had watched any episodes of Classic Who, they might have realised that the Doctor has dealt with non corporeal life forms, manipulating the minds of his assistants in their sleep before, in the form of The Mara possessing Tegan Jovanka... (Hint: Doctor 2- Mara 0).
Secondly, if this did follow the precepts of "NuWho", Freddy would probably end up trapped in some sort of containment device, the Doctor's "cobbled up" surrounded by a stasis field, orbiting just outside the Ergosphere of a black hole "just in case" ...
(That is, if The Doctor does'nt generate Freddy's "Worst Nightmare", in the scenario of a heavily armed, & indestructable Donna Noble, constantly chasing Freddy around a phantasmagorical landscape...).

I just...wow. I could try to make an argument as to why this story doesn't make an inkling of sense, but other people already have and to be honest...there's too much wrong with it. My rant would turn out all jumbled and full of incoherent raeg.

Reidmar wrote:

WD40 wrote:

I'd have loved to see this done right... Unfortunatly... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I smell a challenge appearing [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

"WGW air fresheners...now available in new Challenge scent!" [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

re-reading old snarks you did is hilarious. just puttin' that out there.