Hermione and the Mecha Wolves.

Fellow forumites, I present ComicsNix's very own The Wolf Blood Lineage, an atrocity of fanfiction in every respect. Terrible (often incomprehensible) writing? Check. Moronic plot? Check. Cliched character interaction? Check. Bad fanfic? Check.

What makes this fic special is that instead of descending from some pureblood lineage of witches and wizards, or some bastardized fairy/vampire/nymph/Goth/grey alien hybrid or whateverthefuck, Hermione Granger is a descendant of... Mecha Wolves. Yes. Mecha Wolves. I'm getting the image of a Transformer boning a gray wolf. Pleasant mental image.

Let's begin, shall we?

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Hermione recieved a letter from an unknown person. It reads:

"Hermione, you are not child of your parents. You are my daughter. Come see me and recieve you magical artifacts, bacause your parents don't want you near me. Your dear mother, Jonesi Ceux Angel du Dehors."

Jonesi? Jonesy? Like the cat from Alien?

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"No, my parents lied all my life to me! I must find the truth." and Hermione grabbed a bundle of clothes and parted from her house. She didn't talk to her fake parents, because they would lie to her.

Okay... whoever thinks that the REAL Hermione would just instantly go "OH HAI I HAVE BEEN LYED TOO ALL MAH LYFE!11!!!!" if she actually got this letter, and just go to Bumfuckwherever to be with Jonesi Whatthefuck, rather than assuming this was some sort of moronic Voldemort plot and investigating further before she did anything so stupid as this... please raise your hands so I can then slap the crap out of you.

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She went to the place where her real mother said she would be. A strange pink house in America, in the Bronx. Hermione knocked the door, and a person welcomed:

"Oh, Hermione, my daughter! Hug me!" and the strange woman hugged Hermione. The woman was very strange, clothed like an unwashed gipsy, but she was not a gipsy, only unwashed.

The fuck?

So, Mommy Smelliest and her erstwhile daughter sit down to have a nice talk about things:

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"You, Hermione, is the descendant of an ancient especies of mecha wolves. Your father impregnated me with his spermathozoa, and he died in a battle of a thousand days agains wizards."

"So, you are a mecha wolf too?"

"No Hermione, only mecha wolves pass their own genetic code. You have the DNA of your father. I was only a surrogate. I carried you in my womb and lactated you with my milk."

That's kind of the definition of being someone's biological mother, unless she was implanted with someone else's egg along with MechWolfDaddy's "spermathozoa"...

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"So you are not my mother."

"Yes, I am, but not of a genetical kind.

I have the feeling this argument could go on forever.

Quote :

Now Hermione, recieve the power your father wanted you to have..." and Hermione's mother opened a magnificent chest,

that she pulled out of her ass,

Quote :

called "The Chest of Wolf", full of metallic parts, gears and fur.

So is that Hermione's dad's desiccated corpse lying in there? Is this some sort of fucked up Norman Bates type thing?

Quote :

As the powerful chest opened, a light crossed the room and entered the body of Hermione's.

I'm picturing a bolt of lightning zapping her up the ass and killing this fake "canon" character. Thanks, Zeus.

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"Don't be afraid, you are recieving the power of Mecha Wolf!" and BRROOOOMMMM, all went white and fumes. Hermione fell on the ground, breathing fast and confused.

That's some good drugs.

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"Now my child, you have a new name. You are called by the name your father wanted to you. You now shall be called: Foxylene Siouxsie Angel du Dehors."

That's a fucking awful name.

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"Yes Foxylene, you will take a time to accept the new mecha wolf powers. But, to not be unprotected, recieve this weapon your father used to defend himself in the battles of wars." and Jonesi gave a Colt 45 Revolver to Foxylene. "It's a magical revolver. It shoots balls of fiery acid projectiles. You need to recharge everyweek, or it will get useless for the rest of your life." and the mother gave a battery so Foxy can recharge the gun.

This is possibly the stupidest weapon ever to be in fiction. So, you lose the battery, or forget to charge it just once, and the dumbass thing is then permanently about as useful as a lump of cold week-old dog crap? Wow.

Quote :

After some hours, Foxylene arrives at Hogwarts and her friends are waiting. Harry and Ron hugs her and say:

"Oh Hermione, we are so happy you are here! Come on, lets come in and you tell us the news!"

They walked in the Hogwarts direction talking:

"Oh boys, I changed my name, now I'm called Foxylane!"

"Foxylane!" said Ron "that's a wonderful name. Where you got that?"

"My mother gave me."

"That makes sense" said Harry Potter.

Not really, but whatever. I guess Harry's been in so many badfics since the '90s that he's hardened to this sort of crap. "Hermione's now nothing like Hermione but is Destiny Foxylene Starrfyre Pureblood Angel? Cool. Ron's turned evil for no reason at all? Right, right. Voldemort's my father and lover? Done that and him before. Snape's shitting out assbabies? Okay, cheerio."

Blah blah blah cellphones in Hogwarts derp derp

Quote :

After this, Hagrid picked a homemade cigarette from his pocket, lighted it and started to smoke:

"Hagrid?" asked Ron very confused "do you smoke now?"

"Oh, this? No, it's only to relax, do you want to smoke a bit?" the half-giant offered the cigar to Ron.

"Hum, why not?" and the red haired boy picked it and inhale a big deal of fumes inside his lungs.

Just say no!

Quote :

"Cough...cough...cough...whoa, this is insane, I'm feeling dizzy dude!" and Ron started to look the sky and he saw mushrooms and pine threes flying and dancing together like copulating hyenas. Foxylene and Harry smoke some too, and all of them started to look the sky together and feel the rain of marshmallows covering them with rivers of orange juice and ostrich eggs:

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"Whoa Hagrid...this one is awesome. Can you give us some to use after the dinner?" asked Harry softie and lazy like a dying sea sponge.

"Ho, fucking no man! This shit is expensive, go buy some yourself dude!" and Hagrid went back to the reform in his house with the poorly clothed women.

They see Hagrid pimpin', they hatin'.

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As the trio went to Hogwarts, Harry decided to get rid of his "delay" and put his hand on Hermione's panties covered vagina.

"What are you doing you prick?" asked Hermione nervous slapping Harry's fool hand.

"Oh, don't be so selfish girl, I just want what a man deserves..." said Potter very horny and rubbing a bulge on his crotch.

I think that "bulge on his crotch" is some sort of massive venereal wart.

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"Fuck you, you snotting piece of shit! If you want to fuck me you'll have to ask my permission!" and she slapped Harry's face with her powerful hand.

Her metal wolf-paw mecha hand?

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Harry fell on the ground.

"You bitch! You gonna pay!"

"You are so stupid Potter. Insteat of insulting me, ask for my pussy, come on, I'll give you now!" said Hermione slapping her vagina with her both hands.

I keep getting the image of her punching herself in the crotch over and over.

ANYWAY she starts snogging Draco. Of course.

Quote :

After some minutes kissing Draco, Foxylane, whom shall be called Foxy by now on, felt a hot and humid liquid on her pants. She looked and...oh my God! Draco pissed in his pants.

Wait what.

[/quote]"Draco, you are a joke!"

"Oh...sorry...I coundn't...it's just...you are so hot and all..." and Draco got ashamed. He cried a small tear from his eyes.[/quote]

If by "tear" you mean "precum" and by "eyes" you mean "penis."

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His tummy got all cold and nothnig in the world could spare him from this worseful moment. Foxy got very sad for him, and trying to lighten him up, she said:

"Oh Draco...you are more manly than those bastards that were my friends. Only real man cry when they kiss their woman." and Draco cleaned the cry and hugged Hermione.

Real men pee themselves when kissing real Transformers in furry suits.

Anyway that's it for the first chapter... will Foxylene hone her Mecha Wolf powers? Will Draco pee himself again? Will Harry stop being a creep? Will Ron finally lay off the weed and start jerking off? Do any of us care?

STAY TUNED TO THIS CHANNEL, FOLKS.

Hey everyone, long time lurker here. This fic is SO bad it prompted me to sign up.

This... is... so... terrible, my brain can barely process it. It quite possibly irritates me more than My Immortal, and you've only posted the first chapter. What... the.... f***....

Why do I suddenly get the mental image of Generation 1 Soundwave, ejecting Ravage & Frenzy, from his cassette door to eliminate "Mecha-Hermione", in a suitably gruesome manner...?

Dehors? Oh wow, not very subtle there.

Pimpin' Hagrid "lighted" the cigarette?

This makes me go all "drugs are baaaaad, mkay?"

They be killing your grammar! Them fuck up yo language skills!

JUST SAY NO!!!!!

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"Oh, don't be so selfish girl, I just want what a man deserves..." said Potter very horny and rubbing a bulge on his crotch.

damn straight harry.

Sounds contagious, doesn't it?

I thought this sounded familiar

Nope. Doesn't sound any better the second time.

For those still questioning whether this is a troll or not.

You know, in case all the other nonsense and Liefeld icon wasn't clue enough.

So dedicated.....*pokes*

It almost looks human from this angle!

Quote :

The woman was very strange, clothed like an unwashed gipsy, but she was not a gipsy, only unwashed.

Why is off-hand racism a prerequisite to so many trollfics?

Should I be relieved or slightly sad that the author is a troll?

...and if the answer is the former, why am I feeling the latter?

StandupShady wrote:

Should I be relieved or slightly sad that the author is a troll?

...and if the answer is the former, why am I feeling the latter?

Because we want more terrible Harry Potter fics?

Nope, that can't be it.

Speak for yourself.

Is is wrong of me to like the idea of Hermione being descended from "mecha wolves"?