Harry and Hermione's badly-written secret. NWS

My regular patrol of the Uber-Pit stumbled upon Harry and Hermione's secret by Darklord.

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At winter time at Hogwarts Harry is at the graveyard looking at the gravestones of his dead parents.

His parents' graves aren't at Hogwarts. I know this fic was written before we saw their actual graves in Deathly Hallows, but that's no excuse: if they'd had been at Hogwarts Harry would have visited them in book 1.

It's all downhill from here. This is how the writer represents conversation:

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When harry was leaving Hermione showed up. Hi harry! Hi hermione! They both ran up and hugged each other. What are you doing at the graveyard Harry? Just remembering my parents and wishing them a merry Christmas. You really miss them don't you? Hell yeah I do. Harry started sobbing. Harry I think I have something that will cheer you up. Hermione rapped her arms around harry and kissed him deeply Harry was seeming to injoy it and hermione noticed it. Feelinf better Harry? A lot. ( God hermione is so hotm and even in winter! and her lips are so soft) Did you like that Harry? I have been waiting from a kiss from you since are third year Hermione I loved it! ( So he does like me!)I shouild be heading back up to the school okay Mione? Okay I'll go with you love. ( Did she just call me love harry thought so she does like me!)

The goggles, they do nothing. The textblock (I refuse to call it a paragraph, because it does not obey the rules of paragraphing) in a nutshell: Harry is missing his parents (which is relatively in-character) and Hermione makes him better by snogging him (which isn't).

Speaking of OOC, Hermione does not answer to shortened forms of her name.

It turns out there's an extremely handy secret room in Gryffindor tower.

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Hermione ran over to the fireplace and shouted open! The fireplace opened with a start and inside there was a sofa a big king sized bed and a vibrating chair. How did you find out about this mione? In the library there was a book cal;led secret passages.

Now good on you for trying to get away from the "Room of Requirement becomes a love nest" cliché of Harry Potter shipping fics, but this is even worse. The idea of Hermione going to the library to try finding this out is kind of in-character, but why would you need to look up secret passages in the oh-so-handy "Book of Secret Passages" when you've got the Marauders' Map? And what, exactly, is a fully-equipped love nest doing in Gryffindor tower anyway?

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But I thought you had feelings for ron mione? I never had feelings for that git! Did you know he tried to rape last year? He did? Yes harry!

Oh joy, Ron-bashing. I guess it's easier to make Ron evil (obligatory TV Tropes link) than to actually develop Harry and Hermione's relationship in a believable way. Meanwhile, not only is her nearly getting raped dropped in a single line and never referred to or used to inform the "plot" again, no mention is made of the fact that anyone who tried to rape Hermione would get hexed into oblivion.

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hermione took harrys shirt off and was aiming for his pants.

"Reducto!"

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wait hermione i get to take yours off next! okay harry Harry took off hermiones shirt and bra and was face to face with her breasts.

Hermione is 2 metres tall in this fic.

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Hermione looked at his amazing cock.

"What's that chicken doing in the castle?" she asked amazedly.

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the door opened slowly and ron was standind in the entrance looking at them! What the bloody hell are you two doing? ron get out you pervert!

Ron was spying on them and he was taking a video tape of them! And Loopin was masticating - sorry, wrong fanfic.

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how did you find it ron? I was trying to find harry in the boys dorm but the door was locked so I kept trying charms on it but it wouldn't open. so I said open ya bitch! and this i heard a loud click and this secret door opened to another room.

Worst hidden entrance ever.

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your just lucky I don't tell mcgonnicall hermione!

Ron is threatening to report Hermione to Professor McGonagall.
I'll say that again.

Ron is threatening to report Hermione to Professor McGonagall.

Not since Dumbledore shouted "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" has the Harry Potter fandom seen such levels of OOC.

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your just jealous ron said harry finally.

And all your base are belong to us.


As a bonus, I'll throw in This temptation by Sky. Don't blink, or you might just miss it.

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It was a rainy day and Harry was alone.

Yes, this is the entire fic.

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Hermione rapped her arms around harry and kissed him deeply

(boom, boom a-booma-booma-boom)
Yo! Harry I can't help but see
You could use a little hug from me
That nasty Ron I'm gonna dis
So I can give you a deep wet kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Ah say what?
I say a kiss!

I wouldn't put it past Dumbledore to say that, it would just take the right circumstances. Probably involving Snape, his wand, and a photo of Dolores Umbridge.

But that's just my humble opinion. XD

Your snark has made me laugh. Job well done.

szaleniec wrote:

It's all downhill from here. This is how the writer represents conversation:
(snip)

GAH! IT BURNS! What the hell do they teach in schools about writing dialogue these days, and haven't any of the fanbrats who write like this ever read a book? (Even if it's just Twilight or, um, Harry Potter.)

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Harry I think I have something that will cheer you up.

"It's LSD."

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Hermione rapped her arms around harry

Then she whaped him in colth, bet him and injeted him with posion.

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God hermione is so hotm

That might be romantic, if we knew what 'hotm' meant.

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Hermione ran over to the fireplace and shouted open! The fireplace opened with a start and inside there was a sofa a big king sized bed and a vibrating chair.

A vibrating chair? What the hell for? Surely if a vibrating surface were required it would make more sense for the bed to vibrate?

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But I thought you had feelings for ron mione? I never had feelings for that git! Did you know he tried to rape last year? He did? Yes harry!

So why didn't you tell Harry about it, or indeed tell the authorities? Oh wait, that would be IC.

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Hermione looked at his amazing cock.

"What's that chicken doing in the castle?" she asked amazedly.

But this was no chicken. It was evil incarnate.

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the door opened slowly and ron was standind in the entrance looking at them! What the bloody hell are you two doing? ron get out you pervert!

Ron was spying on them and he was taking a video tape of them! And Loopin was masticating - sorry, wrong fanfic.

WIN.

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It was a rainy day and Harry was alone.

Yes, this is the entire fic.

WHAT.

Excellent snarkage.

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Did you know he tried to rape last year?

"Ooh, 1996, you're gonna to get it so hard! Bend over, bitch!"

'96, of course, just points and laughs.

Do they honestly not teach students correct punctuation and grammar anymore? Because if my sixth grade English teacher had ever gotten hold of this, the author would've been doing detention every day after class, rewriting it till it was actually readable. And she probably would've still gotten a D.

^Srsly. If this person is old enough to know what sex is they're old enough to punctuate properly. I wrote better than this when I was in fourth third grade.

Teaching children grammar would hurt their self-esteem.

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But I thought you had feelings for ron mione? I never had feelings for that git! Did you know he tried to rape last year? He did? Yes harry!

let's hope he doesn't put the moves on this year. it's much more emotionally fragile.

Keith Fraser wrote:

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Hermione rapped her arms around harry

Then she whaped him in colth, bet him and injeted him with posion.

*GASP* You mean... the posion? Anything but that!