Ham it up a bit (A V fanfic)

In honor of the new remake coming out, I thought I'd see if there were any fanfics for V... and there were. I was a bit surprised since it was an older show. Most of them, tragically, were pretty serious. And then I hit upon this.

Ham and Kiri: V Fan Fiction. A love story about Ham Tyler and Kiri Dalton that takes place after "The Final Battle". Kiri Dalton is a character of my own creation. Warning: Contains graphic love scene.

Hm. Graphic love scene... original character... love story concerning an embittered mercenary... yes! A truly bad piece of writing!

Let's see what we have here.

Quote :

Ham Tyler sat in his chair in the hotel restaurant he owned as a front in his Resistance Network in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in deep thought. He found himself thinking about Kiri again. They have not always been the friends they are now. When he had come here from LA after the Liberation Day festivities three months ago, he had found a very angry and hurt Kiri. She had lost the lizard Simon she had been close to when the Red Dust was released by the Resistance.

Maybe my brain needs a little work, but I didn't think Ham owned anything... and wait, she lost the lizard Simon. Did she flush him down the toilet? Oh, maybe it's like grumbles' snake, and he escaped?

Quote :

At first, Kiri blamed him and thought he had something to do with Simon's death.

Considering he was the one who thought up the idea for distribution of the red dust... yes. He did.

*skips ahead* Ok, so they both LONG for each other, and they both can't stop thinking about the other one. We'll forget about Ham being the next best thing to a sociopath, being a mercenary and all. He's SO warm and CUDDLY! *groans* Oh, look... some dialogue. Anything's got to be better than internal wangsting....

Quote :

"You really like Ham don't you, Kiri," Chris smiled. "Oh, you noticed did you?" Kiri smiled as she took a taste of the beef stew she stirred on the stove, "Needs some salt." She mumbled to herself as she reached for the salt and added a pinch to the beef stew. Kiri turned to Chris and continued, "Yes, I guess you could say I am falling for him. But I don't know if I want to get involved with him." "Why is that, Kiri?" Chris asked curiously. He nodded to himself and added, "It's his recent reputation with the ladies, isn't it?" Kiri nodded in response, "I want a stable relationship with a man. I don't want to be another notch on his belt. More than once I have caught him staring at me, you know, with that look." Chris grinned, "Oh, I don't know, Kiri. I get the impression Ham cares more about you than he lets on. And..." Chris paused for effect, "I get the impression you care more about Ham than you let on." Kiri smiled as she dished out the stew on three plates and placed a roll on the side of each, "Well, I will just wait and see." "You two should talk", Chris said. Kiri just smiled faintly in reply. Chris took two of the three plates out of the kitchen to the dining room where Ham sat. Kiri took the third plate of food and sat down at the table in the kitchen.

AAAAAAHHHHHH! WALL OF TEXT!

I wish I could say it was just that one paragraph of doom, but no. There's many. Some wangst filled speech goes on for a while until it's Kiri's birthday (naturally). Because you know, when in the middle of fighting a guerilla war with an alien species who wants to drain our Earth dry and eat us, we can all take time for birthdays. And cake. Especially the cake.

Quote :

As Ham's eyes roamed over Kiri's body, she looked back at him and smiled.

"Get them off of me!" she screamed upon realizing what his eyes were doing.

Quote :

Inside the box was a golden heart locket. Inside the locket were the Words "I love you" on one side and a very small picture of Ham on the other.
Kiri turned and hugged Ham, "It's beautiful, Ham! Thank you." Happy tears were in Kiri's eyes.

"I looted it off of a dead Viet Cong during the war," he replied.

Quote :

When she returned to her bedroom, she found Ham had turned the bed down.

Because all ex-soldier mercenaries come with turndown service.

Quote :

She marveled at his erection.

"It's so... so... small," she breathed huskily.
"Shot off during a raid in Afghanistan," he replied and wiggled his stub. "Do you find me sexy?"

... seriously though, ladies. While I find Michael Ironside to be one sexy bastard, woobifying Ham Tyler just makes me nauseous.

Quote :

When she returned to her bedroom, she found Ham had turned the bed down.
Because all ex-soldier mercenaries come with turndown service.

Damn. And all I ever get is a stupid mint on my pillow...

Quote :

She marveled at his erection.

"It's so... so... small," she breathed huskily.

"Shot off during a raid in Afghanistan," he replied and wiggled his stub. "Do you find me sexy?"

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Okay, this scenario's just not working for me. The man's a mercenary and, given his behavior, would just as likely shoot you if you annoyed him. . I don't see him handing out lockets and making declarations of undying love.