Of Beastiality and Smug Protagonists

The Club by ShinjiHiroku

William Shakespeare sent me this fic about a boy and his sexy Grovyle, and now I'm reading it. So I might as well try my hand at sporking.

Will, the hero of this story, is a Thinker. This means that unlike most people, he actually questions things.

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I have a question for all of you Thinkers out there. For all of you soon-to-be Thinkers try to keep an open mind. What are your views on pokephilia? For you soon-to-bes, I call you Halfies, who are turning your heads in disgust, just hear me out. Have you ever asked yourself "Why is it wrong?" If you answered "Because it just is." Then you are a Follower, leave. If you answered "Because it goes against God." You are a Follower, leave. If you have prepared a long list detailing just why it is wrong then you are a Follower, and most likely nerd, leave. If you actually asked yourself the question without letting the rest of the worlds opinion of it get in your way then congratulations, you're on your way to becoming a Thinker. You see if you look past all that crap that's been force-fed to you since you were little you'll see that a lot of things don't make sense. Pokephilia for instance, look into it, the only reason people think it's wrong is because they just do. Don't believe me? Well let's look at the standard arguments.

So the story starts with our protagonist... having an internal monologue about how everyone are mindless sheep who can't see how awesome Trainer-on-Pokemon sex is. He can't admit this out loud, because Pokephiles are prosecuted. So instead he rips apart the sheeple's arguments in his head.

Argument # 1

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"It's abuse! You're hurting them!"

Ah yes that one seems to be the most popular, fortunately it's also the easiest to discredit.

Just wait for it.

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In case you are a hardcore Follower, or just plain retarded,

Lol, what's the difference, amiright?

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then you could see that each and every pokemon has thoughts, emotions, a personality, and most importantly, THE ABILITY TO CONSENT! Any psychic pokemon could tell you that.

"Really, LOTS of Psychic Pokemon have sent me psychic messanges, telling me that Pokemon wants it!"

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Now tell me this, what is the difference between a man mounting his pokemon and a pokemon mounting a woman? Think about it, how could the latter possibly be abuse? It can't, moving on.

...If you say so.

Argument #2

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"All of you pokephiliacs are just taking advantage of your pokemon for your own sexual desires."

This one is used mostly by the less educated.

(This argument is uneducated because it's usually the other way around.)

And argument #3

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"It is not the way God intended it!"

Read the newspaper lately? Apparently God's a pokemon.

Yeah well I can't remember Arceus encouraging Pokephilia either.

Then again, I don't watch the show much, so maybe there's an episode where he told Dawn to fuck her Piplup already.

Somath??

But of course, the Followers don't have any other arguments. 'Cause they're stupid. Or because Will probably hasn't argued with anyone for real, so he wouldn't know what they would say. Whatever you prefer.

After realizing that nothing will be solved by monologuing all day, Will introduces us to his bland life. He lives in a bland house, where he can't even brighten his bland days by having sex with his Grovyle, due of the lack of isolation.

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Will sighed, slid off of his bed, and made his way over to the door, dragging his feet the entire way. Upon opening the door he was greeted by a grovyle.

She always waits for me outside of the door since I never let her in. She wouldn't want to see the things I do inside anyway.

Oh, I don't know about that. You should ask a Psychic Pokemon.

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One of the two mirrors he had in his entire house.
Why the hell haven't I moved this thing yet? I look like a damn Follower.

Because then you wouldn't have a convenient excuse to describe how toned you are despite never working out.

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Due to a birth defect his irises are a shiny silvery grey, but after years of being called a freak he finally decided to buy contacts to make them look brown, they don't help with his vision, he has 20-20. Not even his grovyle has seen his real eye color in years, he rarely removes his contacts.

Also, your silver eyes. Because no story is complete without the protagonist having a special eye-color. I'm sure they won't become important later, though.

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Will scoffed at the mirror and went into the kitchen, finally picking up his feet to move.

Oh, just admit you like looking at yourself.

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Will liked the kitchen, not only did he like to cook; but the kitchen was the only room in the house that didn't seem so mundane to him. It had a variety of appliances and dishes strewn neatly across the counter top. The sheer abundance of utensils and food made Will feel like a chef, a job he wished he had chosen.

Maybe I should go back to college for that. Heh, too much work.

Yeah, why put effort into improving your life when you can just blame everyone else for how unhappy you are?

So he makes himself breakfast and is very awesome at it. Then he watches the news.

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"Rodney Manger, who was caught last week raping his Breloom, has been on trial for the past week. Rodney still claims that, ahem 'She raped me!'"

"Ridiculous." The male reporter added. They both started to laugh at this.

I never heard any stories like that when checking the TVs in Platinum.

The poor guy is sentenced to life imprisonment, and Will rages.

Grovyle then comforts him by giving him a backrub. We all know what this means, right?

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Will felt a slight stirring below and his eyes shot open, he slid backwards out of her grip. "Gotta get ready for work now see ya." Without waiting for a reply he sped down the hallway.

That was a little too close, not worth life in prison.

Sorry, no Pokésex yet.

When he gets to work, we find out that he does talk with other human beings... at least sometimes.

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"Serif!"

My last name, everyone at work calls me that. I kinda like it. As for who that is, the only person that squeaky voice could belong to is Keith, he's the only one who could qualify as a friend.

We also find out that he has a stupid surname their boss is gone.

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"Keith what's going on? Is it the boss' birthday or something?"

"No that's two months from now, but didn't you hear?"

Will raised an eyebrow.

I bet you practiced that in front of the mirror.

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"The boss was caught having sex with his flareon! He got arrested earlier today. Since we're still on the payroll we figured we'd just hang around today and get paid before we go out of business…you ok Serif?"

Will's face was contorting and creating a wide array of strange expressions.

Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't "PHBTTTT ha ha ha ha! Oh wow, this is just…ha ha ha ho ho! Ohhhhhhhhh man that's great."

What, I thought you didn't like it when people went to jail for that?

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Oh but I haven't gotten to the greatest part yet, the boss was a major anti-pokephilia advocate. What a hypocritical bitch, I hope he enjoys life in prison.

He isn't the only hypocrite here.

But it's okay because their boss was a smug, lazy jerk. Unlike our protagonist.

After hearing these good news, Will goes home to search for a new job. Once home, he soon hears some strange sounds.

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What the hell is that? Sounds…squishy, I can't really describe it any other way.

I bet no one can guess what it is.

...

The suspense is probably killing you, so lets get on with the story.

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The bathroom door was wide open and the light was on. When Will finally made it there his eyes opened as wide as they could and his mouth hung halfway open. Sitting on the toilet seat was his Grovyle, her eyes closed and her claw deep in her nether region. It was rapidly moving in and out creating the wet "squishy" sound Will described. She was blushing heavily and her mouth was hanging wide open.

Oh. Well, at least something is happening now.

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There was an awkward silence for five straight minutes afterward. Neither of them knew what to say or do.

Will waited until his erection died down before finally saying "Grovyle…I'm gonna…t-take a walk okay?" All he heard was a half-hearted "Gro…" Will took that as an "okay" and made his way back down the hall. "…Later Grovyle." He didn't get a reply. Grovyle heard the front door close but didn't move. There was only thing one her mind: Will. The thought of him watching her made her moist again.

And so Grovyle starts her again, while Will goes for a walk, reflecting on what he just witnessed. Then he's runs into an old man with a long white beard who can read thoughts.

Oh shi-

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Will was definitely reluctant to get anywhere near the man after that. He was about to turn and run when the old man said "And here I thought I had met a fellow Thinker."

...Whew.

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Will was a bit weary of the old man. He didn't want to say too much because for all he knew this could just be an undercover cop trying to bust random pokephiles. He saw a TV show on it once. He'd have to choose his words carefully if he wanted to avoid potentially exposing himself.

Man, I keep misreading “Pokephilia” as “Pedophilia".

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"But," the old man continued. "Given the opportunity I'd gladly fuck a pokemon or two."

Well that's good to know.

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Will just stared at him. "So…what did you bring me over here for?"

A threesome, maybe?

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The old man stopped laughing but had a small smile on his face. "Tell me young man, have you ever heard of The Pokemon Club?"

So the title isn't just random.

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The Pokemon Club, it's a rumored underground club where humans can indulge in their fantasies with pokemon and vice versa. It's apparently so damn secretive that the police, and every normal person, deny its existence, mostly because no evidence of its existence has ever been found. I searched for about a year myself and turned up empty handed. I wanted to believe so bad that it existed but I'm pretty convinced it's just a pokephile's wet dream turned rumor, all a big ass hoax.

"Oh it's no hoax my boy, it exists, and you live closer then you think."

And then Will is admitted into the club. The old man is then escorted back by a Gardevoir ( ), but not before removing Will's contacts.

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"Oh by the way." The old man turned back to Will. "Turn your head."

Will blinked a few times. "Like this?" He turned his head the other way.

"Yes that's it." Without warning the old man took his cane and whacked the back of Will's head sending his contacts flying into the grass and exposing his silver eyes.

...I don't think contacts work that way.

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He groaned and looked down at the card again. In shiny silver letters it had one long web address across it. .com "What kind of crazy ass name for a website is that?" On the back of the card, in the same silver lettering it said "Your password is your own."

How cryptic. And what a lazy author, not even bothering to make up a web adress!

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The club huh? What do I got to lose?

He slipped the card into his pocket and began to walk home, smiling the whole way.

The End. (Of Chapter 1).

The pokésex doesn't disgust me as much as the sheer intellectual arrogance.

"I am a Thinker! Everyone who disagrees with me is mindless sheeple! I classify people on two groups, and mine is obviously the superior one! One's worth as an inquiring mind is measured by their opinions on one particular issue I'm invested in! Watch as everyone around me starts acting like strawman to further prove I'm right!Hey, look, a guy completely unrelated to me just started using the terms I invented in my head to look down on the world!"

Blech. It's like those conspiracy nuts, who accuse everyone else of not thinking for themselves, but try questioning their Real Truth and they start to shriek.

Since Pokemon are supposed to be real in the universe they were created in, wouldn't sex with them qualify as beastiality? Just like sex with an animal qualifies as beastiality in real life and is (as far as I know) illegal in most states?

Also, his justification is eerily similar to the sort of thing you hear from pedophiles. Which is a tad creepy.

My first thought reading this was that Grovyle must be one of those semi-human-shaped Pokemon, kind of like Gardevoir: still creepy, but okay, you can kinda sorta maybe (if you squint) see why someone might see something attractive in one. It would explain the insufferable intellectual justification, at any rate--trying to confirm how screwing a humanoid Pokemon would be just like screwing a human. So I looked it up.

Turns out Grovyle looks like a bipedal dinosaur with some feathery bits. Apparently, our protagonist is turned on by watching a cartoon Utahraptor go spelunking in her nether regions. Is this the long-lost, gender-flipped companion piece to the infamous Lara Croft/Velociraptor fic?

Rabid Badger wrote:

Since Pokemon are supposed to be real in the universe they were created in, wouldn't sex with them qualify as beastiality? Just like sex with an animal qualifies as beastiality in real life and is (as far as I know) illegal in most states?

At least some Pokemon are sentient, and most of them seem smart, but yeah, Trainer-on-Pokemon sex definitely seems iffy. Especially since trainers seem to have a lot of power over Pokemon if they have the right badges.

And most of them don't speak like humans. You would think the constant "gro gro grovyle"'s would be a turn-off.

But yeah, the smugness is what really bothers me about this story.

I was mistaking grovyle for growlith in my head.

Spoiler:

Made it that much worse.

Why the shit did this author insert all this stuff to with religion into the Pokemon universe? As far as I know religion never really comes up in any Pokemon media, or at least, if it does it would have more to do with religions like Shinto and Buddhism whereas all this "against God's will" stuff that the "Followers" apparently believe sounds more like randomly shoved in Christianity. Did they seriously insert Christianity into Pokemon purely so the main character can internally argue against it!?

anangrychocobo wrote:

Did they seriously insert Christianity into Pokemon purely so the main character can internally argue against it!?

I'm going to predict that the main character will end up externally arguing with them and it'll go just like Jack Chick "dismissing" Evolutionism.
Either that or the lobby brawl in the Matrix movie.

Chapter 2! Where more interesting stuff happens. Well, I thought it would be interesting, but sporking Pokésex is harder than I thought. I don't have much else to do, though, so here goes.

After coming home and listening in on Grovyle's second round of masturbation, our hero checks the web adress. It turns out that he really might have found other like minded people, who don't just like to fuck their Pokemon, but also calls themself Thinkers. Oh, but what's the password? Thinker. No way those sheeple would ever be able to guess that, heh.

So once he figures it out, he gets a map that leads him to the club.

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Here's some random information about the club. The supposed founder of the club's name is Salem; again these are all rumors I have no way to know for sure. Apparently no one, not even the club members have seen him. No one knows what he looks like. His age and origin are also a mystery. The only thing people know for sure is that he's rich. If he exists I wouldn't doubt that, it would take someone like him to fund the club. Still, even the richest rich person couldn't fund the club alone. Does that mean the club has a fee? Oh man that would suck, especially since I just lost my job. Funny how life does that to you. Oops here's my stop.

Salem??

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Anyway, after an elevator and train ride, Will is finally there.

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"You're gonna freak when you see this. Everyone does at first. Oh and by the way you might wanna close your mouth for a second." Will raised an eyebrow but complied.

As the doors opened they were sprayed from all sides with a colorless and odorless mist.
"The hell was that?"

"That will stop a pokemon's scent from rubbing off on you, for 12 hours anyway. Only downside is it tastes horrible. Just make sure to gargle some mouthwash when you get home, for the most part that should hide any pokemon's scent you get in there."

How convenient.

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The doors opened up into a dark narrow hall, when Will saw what was beyond it he nearly fell into a coma.

…pokemon…men…women…sex…everywhere…in the open…couches!

The man watched in amusement as Will's mouth hung open. Anyone seeing this sight for the first time would definitely react the same way. Just as Will tried to say, or tried to think in this case, there were people and pokemon everywhere. Humans and pokemon, men and women, all having sex out in the open, most of them moaning in pleasure. Some were on the floor, some were on couches, and some were in hot tubs. The room was massive and it was really dark but lit, ironically, like a nightclub. There were lots of different colored spotlights strewn across the room, with the occasional black light for effect. Whole sections of the room were elevated far above others and there were people having sex all along them. It was as if it was meant to be displayed. Along the entire right wall was a bar. Pokemon and humans sat at it, some eying men and women as they walked by, some drinking, some making out, and some having sex right on the bar stools. Everywhere Will looked was a different scene.

Bolding mine. I don't get what the irony is supposed to be.

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Directly in front of him was another man sitting on a chair, a blaziken on top of him. She held the man still as she used her powerful legs to lift and lower herself onto him. She was panting heavily and the man was moaning as he held onto to her buttocks.

For those who don't know, this is a Blaziken:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Okay, so the designers were asking for it when they added that crotch tuft.

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To the far left there was yet another man having sex with a mightyena. This man was much gentler, they were on the floor and he had her on her back. They were face to face as the man slowly slid in and out. The man planted a tender kiss right on the lips of the mightyena which she seemed glad to return.

Oh come on. That Pokemon isn't even humanoid.

Then he's approached by the Gardevoir from the park, who asks him what his preference is, if you know what I mean. ;D

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'We have multiples of just about every pokemon you could ever imagine here at The Club, surely there's one you've always wanted to, you know.'

That's... an awful lot of Pokemon. Not that I would expect too much realism since this is Pokemon, but Will even lampshaded how costly it would be to keep all those Pokemon fed.

Also, it seems like these Pokemon are pretty much treated like sex slaves. No way there could be any consent issues with that!

Will takes too long to pick (what? I thought it was pretty obvious that he liked a certain Grass Pokemon), so Gardevoir picks for him.

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He stammered for a second. "Wait a minute I want a re-pick."

'Too late, now you better hurry up. A newcomer like you, alone? Who knows what'll happen to you around here.'

Just then Will noticed he was getting 'the eye' from quite a few pokemon at the bar, and a few others who had just finished up with other men. They were like predators zoning in their prey. A few of them licked their lips with anticipation, and it scared the living crap out of Will. "Hey wait up!"

Of course, who could resist Will?

So they walk into another room where they are filming a porno involving several Zangoose.

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While the glass was soundproof you didn't exactly need to be in the room to imagine the sounds going on inside.

“Zangoose, Zang, Zangoose!”

“Zaaaaang!”

“Goose!”

(Or whichever sounds Zangoose make.)

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"Question: Am I gonna have to be out in the open or do you guys have like-"

'Private rooms? Plenty, some people just prefer to be watched though. And a select few have the honor of starring in one of these. Also in case you're wondering, yes we do sell these. It's a small part of the income here.'

That would explain some things. Since the massive internet sweep a few years back demand for pokemon porno has gone up drastically. If the club holds the monopoly on these then it's no wonder they're so rich.

Oh, don't worry. It's not like most readers care about the logistics of this.

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Will listened to the sounds around him for a second. "Doesn't sound like anyone is in any of these rooms."

'Oh they're all soundproof, we just need to find an open door that's all.'

Seriously? Soundproofing this many rooms must have cost hundreds of thousands of dollars!

Dear, you think/lampshade too much.

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Directly in front of them was the front desk shaped like a half circle, the other half was cut off by the wall. There was no one behind it, or so Will thought until gardevoir slammed her hand on it. A man dressed in suit popped his head up as fast as he could, straightening himself out in a rush. "W-W-welcome how may I- Oh it's you."

'Don't take that tone with me I know what you two were doing.'

You "two?"

Coming up considerably slower, another gardevoir emerged from behind the desk. "Who is it John…oh shit." She spoke in plain English.
'You know you're not supposed to be doing that on the job.'

Well, to be fair, it IS the job for most of the Pokemon here.

They finally find a room, and Gardevoir calls a Typhlosion named Maria.

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'She said she'd be right down. You two have fun now.' She made her way to the door. 'Oh and most pokemon here, including Maria, haven't bothered to learn English. So use this, compliments of Salem.' Will held out his hand and she dropped something small into it. He nearly shit his pants.

No fucking way, a pokemon to human translator! They only recently perfected the technology for these things and they are still expensive as hell! A cheap one is about the price of a minivan, but the really high end ones, like this one, are worth more then most people's houses. I heard that they put 2 years into research and development solely for purpose of making these things indestructible. Still, Salem would entrust all of the club members with one of these? It's unreal.

'Not all of the members, just you.'

Hmmmm.

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While he waited, Will played with the dozen light switches he found next to the door to help him cope with the nervous feeling in his gut. He found that certain combinations of switches created different effects. While one turned on a black light, inadvertently showing that the room was stain free, another turned on a strobe light.

Who the hell would want a strobe light going while they have sex? 'Oh I'm about to cum.' Nope seizure! I'm kind of disappointed, where's the switch that triggers the fog machine and the pyrotechnics?

You are getting spoiled.

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Come on, this is something I've always wanted, so why am I so nervous? I've had sex before this is no big deal, so why am I shaking?

Not a virgin? Really?

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Maria grabbed his hand and led him over to the bed. From the way she was looking at him earlier Will half expected to be thrown onto the bed and raped but to his surprise she was really gentle.

See, he isn't raping her! It's almost the other way around!

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Hmm, when was the last time I measured my penis? Last time I checked I was just about 7 inches long and a little over an inch wide. Maybe I should do that when I get hooooo-

That's right. 7 inches or more.

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She licked her lips again. "Mmm I don't know what it is about those eyes of yours but they're driving me wild!"

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She still had no idea why she was enjoying it so much, all she knew was that it had something to do with Will's eyes. She didn't even have to look into them anymore; just picturing them now seemed to double her pleasure.

Few can resist Mary Sue eyes. Maybe he should get new contacts, in case they have a similar effect on everyone.

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Lost in the throes of her own orgasm she accidentally launched a flamethrower directly ahead of her. Fortunately nothing caught on fire but the wall was scorched.

Yes... fortunately.

(And I had almost forgotten she was a Pokemon at this point too.)

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'Wow you managed to outlast Maria, that's quite a feat especially for a newcomer.' The familiar echoed through Will's head. It was the gardevoir from before.

It…was?

...Of course it was.

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Will hesitated for a second before making his way over to the door and unlocking it. Behind it of course was the gardevoir, grinning slightly. 'So, how do you feel?'

Will brought his hand to his head. "Not sure, I feel…weird."

The gardevoir chuckled under her breath. 'That's completely normal for people coming here for the first time…' Her words seemed to trail off towards then end of her sentence but Will ignored it.

What? I can't see why anyone would feel weird.

Gardevoir gets mesmerized by his eyes, so he needs to close them to get her back to normal.

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The gardevoir brought a hand to her head as she desperately tried to remember what she had forgotten, she had never lost track of a thought before. She mentally retraced her steps to find out where she had gone wrong when she finally came across the memory of Will's eyes. Picturing them caused her to tremble slightly, her breathing also sped up. The feeling was foreign to her so she had no idea what to call it, but she did know one thing: She wanted to see Will's eyes again.

You could put them in a jar! I'm sure that would be nice decoration.

Will goes home to Grovyle, still with the translator in his ear. And that's the end of Capter 2.

What's with all this psuedo-intellectual crap in this Pokemon porn? So people who fuck Pokemon are 'Thinkers', I mean, really?!
And they don't even pick any of the human-ish pokemon to write about, it's all dogs and plants and shit.

Blaziken and Zangoose are really popular in the darkest circles of Pokémon fandom for some reason. I have no idea why.

I've seen this kind of fic many times before, sans Pokésex of course. The author is trying to flesh out an implausible scenario, but without the ability to do so, all they can do is swamp the story in exposition/contrivances/both.

The pseudo-intellectual claptrap makes this particular story stand out, in a bad way.

Plato wrote:

Ignorance of all things is an evil neither terrible nor excessive, nor yet the greatest of all; but great cleverness and much learning, if they be accompanied by a bad training, are a much greater misfortune.

Aristotle wrote:

I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.

ShinjiHiroku wrote:

The man watched in amusement as Will's mouth hung open. Anyone seeing this sight for the first time would definitely react the same way. Just as Will tried to say, or tried to think in this case, there were people and pokemon everywhere. Humans and pokemon, men and women, all having sex out in the open, most of them moaning in pleasure. Some were on the floor, some were on couches, and some were in hot tubs. The room was massive and it was really dark but lit, ironically, like a nightclub. There were lots of different colored spotlights strewn across the room, with the occasional black light for effect. Whole sections of the room were elevated far above others and there were people having sex all along them. It was as if it was meant to be displayed. Along the entire right wall was a bar. Pokemon and humans sat at it, some eying men and women as they walked by, some drinking, some making out, and some having sex right on the bar stools. Everywhere Will looked was a different scene.

As I said. Exposition and contrivances.

The police apparently can control the internet, but they can't locate the s00per sekrit club of Poképhilliacs. A club that has the monopoly on Poképorn. The logistics of keeping such a huge business secret is mind-boggling.

The author presents the human patrons as understanding Pokémon better than anyone else, but apparently the club "has" them. The humans can just choose by species, and the club throws someone there for them to fuck. That sounds more like they're prostitutes.

Everything is so convenient. The Pokémon act just like (conveniently horny, always available) humans and even talk in English. Change a few words in the club scene and it could easily pass for a regular whorehouse.

To Exondia's broader points I would add -

badfic wrote:

There were lots of different colored spotlights strewn across the room, with the occasional black light for effect.

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occasional black light

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black light

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black light

Blacklights in an underground sex cluNONONONONONONONONOTHEHORROR

Exodia's Right Leg wrote:

The police apparently can control the internet, but they can't locate the s00per sekrit club of Poképhilliacs. A club that has the monopoly on Poképorn. The logistics of keeping such a huge business secret is mind-boggling.

Lol, the third chapter explains this...

It begins with Will waking up. And he feels great.

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"Oh my God Grovyle!" Will's sudden outburst jerked Grovyle right out of her sleep and up to her feet in a panic.

"Will what's wrong?" Looking at Will she noticed he had a huge smile on, it kind of scared her. "Are you…feeling alright?"

He's acting positive? He must be sick.

Will runs out to buy new clothes.

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"Look at these pants, they kick ass!" Will no longer had blue jeans on; in their place were thin black pants with four silver stripes running up each side. His hair was wild instead of slicked back and he wore a white T-shirt with the dress shirt unbuttoned but still on. "Like it? I think I look pretty cool. Now all I need is some sunglasses and I'll be set."

Grovyle is still worried, of course, so Will tries to reasure her that he's really acting happy because... he is happy. Then he remembers that she has no idea what he's been up to yesterday, so he has to distract her with Poffins.

He is interrupted by a phone call from...

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"Salem." Will's smile disappeared almost instantly as he went into thinker mode.

So thinking is a mode then.

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"Because I have something to tell you and only you. As secure as this line is,+ the matter at hand is something we must discuss face to face."

Oooh, what could it be? Will really must be more special than the other Pokephiles.

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"Well right now I'm kinda making poffins for my pokemon but this seems just a little bit more importa-"

"Please, resume what you were doing and come at your leisure. I wouldn't want to inconvenience you or your pokemon."

Wouldn't want to come in the way of you and your wife pet Pokemon.

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[/i]Salem…he sounded so…cool. So calm and calculated, like he had nothing to fear. Almost as if he knew what would happen next and he was always ready for it. He's a little scary actually, and I'm about to meet him…wonder what he looks like. Probably-

HOT.

But Gorvyle is still hotter, so Will resumes the cooking.

When he arrives to the club, Will sits down while waiting for his escort. He gets to make out with a Tyranitar before Gardevoir arrives.

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The tyranitar groaned loudly, she moved off of him and into her original sitting position. Will sat up, dusted himself off, and straightened his shirt out. "I'll come and find ya later."

"I'll hold you to that bright eyes."

Gardevoir leads him to an elevator, and they soon reach Salem's room, which is all white and pretty.

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"You may leave now Tera." The same voice Will heard over the phone was coming from in front of him.

He didn't notice that the gardevoir, Tera, hadn't stepped out of the elevator. "Please don't call me that Master."

"Only if you stop calling me 'Master.'" Tera groaned lightly and rolled her eyes before the elevator door closed.

I expected Salem to be more kinky, tbh.

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When the chair across from him spun around Will was actually surprised for a moment. The man sitting there had to be younger than him, but not by much; he could only be 21 at the most. He had an average height for his age, about 6 feet high maybe. His long white hair was tied back into a single tail that went halfway down his back. He wore a full white suit and resting on the top of his chair was a long white trench coat. The lenses on his glasses were thin oval shapes but what was behind them made Will do a double take.

Just leaving this here because it is very important imformation.

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[i]His irises, they're white! If not they're really really really REALLY light blue, but I doubt that. Almost like…

"Yours?" The man interrupted his thought.

"Bullshit you cant read my mind."

"I can't."

"Then how-"

"Predicting what you'll say or think based on context, facial expressions, and the words prior-"

"Isn't hard to do." Will interrupted him this time.

I hope mpreg isn't possible in this fic. That would be an awfully smug baby.

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"Then what's this urgent matter you-"

"Do you mind if we talk over a game?" Will raised an eyebrow.

Salem reached down and hit a button, a small square slid open on the top of the desk and up flew a chess board, with all the pieces in place. "As you can imagine I don't get to meet very many people face to face. It gets quite boring here and I think a friendly game will do us both some good."

Chess. Of course.

Salem explains that the club is much more than just a brothel.

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"The club…is made for pokemon just as much as it's made for humans. In a sense we're an entire society, a whole civilization where everyone can live as equals. Cut of from the world and completely self-sufficient."

"You mean these people actually live down here, where?"

Salem chuckled and moved a piece. "Some of them, you haven't had a chance to explore have you? We have apartments, eating establishments, stores, pokemon centers, farms, everything we'll ever need." Will couldn't help but put a skeptical look on his face as he moved another piece.

This just keeps getting better.

Quote :

Will moved a piece and proceeded to flipping through the binder. His eyes widened a little more at each page.

What…the…fuck. The club owns the heads of least 10 different banks. Whole construction companies, law firms, POLICE STATIONS! They own 70% percent of the police force, as well as the second in command and their hiring manager here in the city. Breweries, demolition companies, foreign train companies, film and production companies, factories, they even have numerous people in the Federal Reserve. Government officials, entire franchise heads, judges, lawyers, and even celebrities go here, so many pokephilacs. This explains a whole hell of a lot. With all this Salem could construct a hundred clubs if he felt like it, and with all those cops working for the club there's a 70% chance that if you're caught in the act of pokephilia that you'll be let off. If Salem technically owns all of these companies himself that means most of the income comes straight to him, combine that with the monopoly he holds on pokemon porn and he's probably the richest man in existence.

So... the police isn't such a big deal after all. Whew! Wouldn't want too much tension.

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"I've struck many deals." Salem began as he moved a piece. "The people who own these businesses gladly give control over their companies or at least a large share to get free admittance to the club."

"Speaking of that-"

"Yes there is club fee. $5000 a month, $10,000 for 3, or $30,000 a year." Salem moved another piece without looking at the board.

"Figures." Will closed the book, placed it on the desk, and moved his piece. "So how many entran-"

"42, a 43rd is under construction."

"trances are there to the club." Will decided to finish anyway. "How many poke-"

"1535 pokemon at this facility."

"…Razzle-"

"Frazzle."

Cock sucking motherfucker.

Wow, this fic finally made me feel some sympathy for Will.

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"Alright we've been dodging this for awhile now, what important thing can you only tell me face to face?" Will moved another piece. "Check." He said, indicating Salem's king was in danger.

"There's something else I've been dodging as well." Salem moved his king out of check. "Only 5 people in the world know the club's true purpose."

"And what exactly iis /ithe club's true purpose?"

"To create a new world, a world of complete equality."

And the first step is to prostitute Pokemon! What's more empowering than that, after all?

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This is sounding familiar. I could swear I've heard that somewhere…oh right, EVERY ANIME, MOVIE, AND VIDEOGAME VILLAIN EVER! Sigh, if that's the case then he'll probably kill me if I don't cooperate. That's great, that's just fucking great.

The white hair should have tipped you off, dear.

Wait, I thought you were for this.

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"Step two: Kill two birds with one stone. Demoralize small anti-pokephilia groups by eliminating the heads of larger ones.

"And there's where I see an issue. Killing someone to achieve your dream is not something I wanna be a part of. Check." Will put Salem's king in danger again.

I see what you did there.

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"Our methods are strictly non-violent; your former boss could attest to that."

"That was you?"

Salem nodded and brought his king out of check. "The ole switcharoo of a sex-crazed pokemon in heat never fails. Add to that the fact that a few policemen and a news crew just happen to overhear the two and you have a flawless operation. He was the third this month."

“Oh, ok. Possible rape is fine.”

So why is Salem telling Will all this? He needs his help.

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"Whoa slow down you're giving me way too much credit."

"Am I? I've been watching you for a long time now and you're much smarter than you put on."

"I am not. Checkmate." Will had unconsciously moved a piece and won the game. "…That proves nothing."

Ah, false modesty.

Not finding any drawbacks, Will agrees to help. He tries to leave the club, but some sadistic girls have removed all the exit signs. Fortunately he bumps into the Tyranitar from earlier, who agrees to help him out.

On one condition...

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Tyranitar: #12 on my always-wanted-to-bang list.

"You don't even have to say it, lead the way."

"Gladly." Without warning she took Will and flung him over her shoulder like he was a slab of meat. With him resting on his stomach Carmen proceeded down one of the hallways.

Good thing she's one of the SEXY pokemon.

The Tyranitar gives Will a blowjob. Afterwards, she is lost in his gaze, and Will decides to test out his eyes. This causes Tyranitar to become quite randy.

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"Whoa Carmen, relaaaaaaaax." Will's sentence trailed off as she slowly lowered herself onto him. He wasn't sure if he was really big or if she was really small, either way she felt tighter then he ever could've imagined. After she took him to the hilt she held his arms down and lifted herself up.

And so she starts riding him. Your average Tyranitar weights 445.3lbs, by the way.

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Well, at least I learned something today. I learned that my eyes are dangerous, but I need to know more. I need to do some more tests and find out exactly how they work, who they can and can't work on, and for how long. Well it's still early; guess that's what I'll be doing the rest of the day. And now I just have pass the time…99 bottles of beer on the wall-

Yup, seems like he'll have to fuck more Pokemon. For research!

Chapter 4 starts with this interesting piece of information from the author:

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ANYWAY, this, and the next chapter, are basically request chapters for the people over at AGNPH. People request it, I give it a scene. (If I like it.) So far, no one's given me anything I dont really like, I've gotten some strange one's thought like Cloyster and Rotom, which I plan to by the way. (Eventually) So this chapter is mostly sex with very little story. Enjoy

No story...? But the story is so interesting!

I wonder if anyone requested Bidoof.

Tyranitar is asleep, so Will has to find his way out on his own. Meaning he doesn't get out for a while.

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Oh yeah, Lucario: #5 on my always wanted to bang list.

I wonder if we'll get to see the authorWill's whole list.

Also, I don't care what furry fandom says, Lucario is ugly.

Will joins three of them, and they soon turn into sex zombies due to his eyes.

Afterwards, Will resumes his exploration.

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Truly whoever it was who designed the club was an asshole.

Well yeah.

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Anyway, Arbok, numberrrrrrr 63 I believe on my always-wanted-to-bang list. I dunno, I can't really remember past #20.

While Arbok isn't one of the sexiest Pokemon, she isn't about to let Will escape.

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Various hissing, moaning, and panting sounds came from Katrina's mouth but nothing that resembled coherent speech. As much as it turned Will on, it also got him thinking.

Temporary mental regrESSION, perhaps? Could be, the lack of SPEEch and self conTROL suggests them regressing to a more PRImal state when I- FUCK this is not the time for this.

Mhmm. If you think too much right now it'll be harder to pretend this is consensual for the Pokemon.

After some searching, Will finds the bar. While sitting there, he's joined by Tera the Gardevoir. She tells him Salem was a trainer, and she one of his Pokemon.

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'I met him when he was 14; I was his first pokemon, just a kirlia at the time. He was a really good trainer, after about a year he had a whole 6 pokemon team. Me, you've already met Maria, Susan the garchomp, Kelly the swampert, Missy the flygon, and Cara the lopunny.

What a fine harem.

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But of course you know the way the world works. We were caught one day. Salem was going to be jailed for the "rape" of 6 pokemon. He was a minor so the judge went easy on him. I lieu of jail time they took his trainer's license away, and then…they took us away.

Well, they couldn't let you go to jail as well... unless it was for the rape of a minor.

This story doesn't have a tragic ending (depending on what perspective you see it from) because four years later Salem returns all grown up and badass and stuff and he has like a billion connections and can do anything.

I wonder if we'll ever get to hear how exactly he did all this (not really).

And that's pretty much it.

Points to be raised:

1. The whole thing suffers from the same problem as the real-life super conspiracies: there would be too many people to bribe and silence, too many holes to fill. There's no way something that vast wouldn't be cracking around the edges, especially with most of society against it.

2. If they have so much control over everything, why did the crackdown on the Internet happen in the first place? Why don't they use their billion connections and unlimited resources to keep the police away? Did they decide deliberately to not do anything so they could monopolize the monster-human porn industry? Did they decide to let internet site owners rot in prison because they aren't members of their s00per-sekrit club? God, these guys are total assholes.

3. Not to mention the gigantic potential for abuse of power. No, really, this exclusive group is what the NWO wishes it was. I refuse to imagine that those people don't use the fact they have a billion companies and police on their pockets to escape from crimes other than bestiality...

4. They discredit the people that think all sex with Pokémon is rape... by falsely accusing them of Pokémon rape and doing nothing to dispel the notion. Oh, that's going to do wonders to help their cause.

5. The businessmen GIVE AWAY CONTROL OF THEIR COMPANIES to get some Pokésex? Author, dude, not everybody has sex as their top priority in life, ya know.

Logic took a turn left and never returned.

You missed a gem in chapter 2

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FUCK YEAH, I'd play an epic guitar solo signifying my win if I had a guitar…and knew how to play it.

After he correctly guesses the password.

Sup, author here. Little late the party I guess but late's better than never.

I did kinda realize I fuked up a bit after the...maybe 6th chapter, but never to this extent. Sucks how your mind fills in all the gaps making everything make sense until months later you forget what you were writing about and you go back and read it. Then it gets a bit discouraging.
I'm not gonna say I've gotten much better (it's still too soon to say) and as much as it breaks my heart reading bad reviews, I know it's for the best in the end.

Every bad story is a learning experience. We've all been there. Good luck with you'r future stories.

This story just tells me that pokemon rezlly just want to rape you once your back is turned. And that is the real reason behind pokeballs.

Only in my mind. Funfact: I didn't plan for this to have much of a story at all when I started writing it and I'm still making it up as I go. I was (and still am for the most part) a smut peddler. Was just looking for an excuse to do some pointless smut. Had a change of heart though when I came up with a BRILLIANT idea to build a story off of (but I still wanted a lot of sex.) Thus you get this.

Funfact 2: I hate half the pokemon in this story. They're all just requests I picked up for the hell of it. I have my own list of fucked up pokemon. (Yay muk.) Dont judge me...

Given what the Pokedex says about Muk, fucking one is going to kill you.... or make your penis shrivel and fall off.

You think that stopped me writing smut about it? Fuck logic. If Ash could hug one in the show, I damn sure as well can fuck one.