I'm looking for others to do, but I'm afraid I've run out of Supergirl stories for now. I've got some more Legion stuff that's funny, and I'll go get some more Lois Lane or Jimmy Olsen, if anyone's still interested.
Hell yes. Now if I can just figure out where I put my copy of the first appearance of Matter Eater Lad...
Keith Fraser Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Join date : 2009-06-11 Age : 41 Location : The Emerald Isle
So, the Legion did their first story with Superman, and then they did the one with Supergirl. So, here's the third one.
One day, Superboy witnesses a plane in distress. However, as he is about to intercept it, he's pushed out of the way by Cosmic Boy, he of the magnetic eyes.
Surprisingly, Cos gives him the cold shoulder about the whole thing. This is surprising behavior from the guy who took Superboy on an amazing trip to the future, bought him some moon ice cream, and systematically undermined his confidence with a series of rigged tests designed to make Superboy fail miserably and question his OH WAIT NEVER MIND.
Shortly afterwords, we get to see a giant robot which looks all cool and retro and automatically makes me like this comic a lot.
Anyway, the giant robot at the Smallville, Kansas Science Expo has broken free. Lightning Lad pops it's CPU, and flies away without even acknowledging Superboy.
Almost instantly, there is a third emergency. A criminal has wrestled a pistol away from a detective. Superboy races to stop it, only to discover that Saturn Girl is already on the scene, cleaning it up. She also brushes him off, and Superboy begins to notice that the people of Smallville no longer like him, including this terrifying child:
He goes home for a little sympathy from his parents, but even they don't seem to like him anymore. So, he decides to do something super-ish. He heads out for the edge of town, and creates a series of majestic caverns with his bare hands for people to enjoy.
It's just a pity about the dragon that lives there.
"Jesus, Garth, you can quit zapping it! I've got it under control, okay? It's hard to mentally command it to go back to sleep while you're inflicting third-degree electrical burns on it."
This leads to this story's Legiontears, as the people of Superboy's hometown hail the Legion as their new saviors, and reject him. Even his dog ignores him and runs to play with Saturn Girl.
Then, the mayor tells him to scram, and his adopted parents threaten to send him back to an orphanage. Fed up with this, he decides that Earth doesn't want him anymore, and leaves for outer space in a big, tearful huff.
As he flies through the cosmos in search of a new planet to call home, he spots a long convoy of superbeings flying unprotected through outer space. Curious, he joins the convoy. They arrive at a mysterious planet, and he's shocked to see that the destination is none other tha Superboy City, a huge area devoted to honoring him. He is then approached by some cops, who have come to escort him to "the Council."
Well, this should be good. I mean, it's a planet honoring him, what could possibly go wrong?
After shoving him in a kryptonite cage, they set about building a prison to hold Superboy. Along the way, they finally get down to telling him, y'know, why they're building a prison to hold him. It turns out that all of the heroes from all of the worlds in the future have come together to build this place in his honor.
However, someone decided to peek into the FUTURESCOPE, and advanced piece of sci-fi futuretech that can display things that have yet to happen on it's black-and-white monitor.
YUP.
Apparently, he's going to destroy a million-billion dollars in US military equipment, making him a super-criminal. The disillusioned Legion have decided to try and prevent that, but capturing him. Saturn Girl turned the entire town against him, which drove him into space so that they could trap him.
They ask him if he has anything to say in his defense, which you'd think they would have done before declaring him guilty and sentencing him to life imprisonment.
A few days later, a piece of tech explodes, causing an "atomic chain reaction" which turns all the kryptonite into "Element Sigellian- which is as deadly to us, as kryptonite is to Superboy!" I'm not even remotely sure how that's supposed to work.
Even more confusing is how Superboy fixes this, when he . . . you know what? Read it yourselves. I can't even begin to explain this.
Anyway, it's all a misunderstanding, of course. The futurescope is flawed, and Superboy was actually helping the government get rid of some WMDs. Ma and Pa Kent show up in spacesuits (!) to tell him that things are now okay, and all is forgiven, although I'm really not sure WHY he forgives them.
Wow...I had no idea how thoroughly reprehensible that Legion of Superheroes was. Please continue posting more evidence against them, Lysander. This is fascinating stuff.
Keith Fraser Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Join date : 2009-06-11 Age : 41 Location : The Emerald Isle
Subject: Re: Godawful Comics (NWS) Wed Oct 14, 2009 2:52 am
Wow, that's just...crap. Have I ever mentioned how much I loathe the way characters in superhero comics constantly explain how their powers work?
kleine_kat Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11 Age : 44 Location : Lower Countries
Subject: Re: Godawful Comics (NWS) Wed Oct 14, 2009 3:14 am
I've always hated how, in the old X-men comics--which were actually pretty awesome--but also in newer comics, the characters insist on telling what's already being shown quite plainly:
"Lazerbeam's...burning! I can't keep standing! Must...remove...ruby quartz glasses..."
And that kind of shit.
"My Sword! It's broken!" Well, duh.
"Armour...disintegrating!" Yeah, we can see that, bub. You're not in a novel, you see, but in a GRAPHIC NOVEL.
Miss Prince Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Join date : 2009-06-10 Age : 35
Subject: Re: Godawful Comics (NWS) Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:32 am
I love the idea of Rainbow Girl: The Most Powerful Being in the Universe, who only gets a single panel and is condescended to by a bunch of obnoxious teenagers.
And if they were going to send Bouncing Boy anyway, why even mention that "Saturn Girl can't go because she's a GIRL" thing? Is there some sort of sexism quota these comics have to fill?
That's pretty cold for Superboy's own parents to turn their backs on him. And why did they bother creating a whole damn Superboy PLANET just to lock him in a cage? Why does no one think to lock THEM up instead?
The snark is awesome, Lysander. I'd totally be up for more Lois Lane comic commentary.
And if they were going to send Bouncing Boy anyway, why even mention that "Saturn Girl can't go because she's a GIRL" thing? Is there some sort of sexism quota these comics have to fill?
They drew lots. Saturn Girl was excused by Brainy for being a woman.
It's really not as sexist as you'd expect. It's actually pretty impressive for it's time. No question, Marvel totally had the more mature Silver Age, but even there, Invisible Girl's sole contribution to the Fantastic Four was a set of perky breasts and an ample ass (and that was written by Stan freaking Lee). It doesn't feel that way with this book at all. Half the team is made up of girls, and they're only rarely treated as being different.
In spite of my harping on the occasional lapses, Saturn Girl in particular is typically portrayed as being a smart, tough, take-charge person who happens to be a girl. The second time Brainy tries that "it's too dangerous for girls" shit, she tells him to cram it and goes anyway. It's the last time he tries to pull that shit.
My only real complaint is the stupid pink bathing suit they eventually put her in, but even the boys ended up in amazingly silly costumes.
Quote :
That's pretty cold for Superboy's own parents to turn their backs on him.
Yeah, like I said, that was Saturn Girl's powers at work. They wanted to get him to leave Earth for space, where they could trap him.
Quote :
Why does no one think to lock THEM up instead?
There is no just God.
Quote :
I'd totally be up for more Lois Lane comic commentary.
I'm looking at getting some more. In the meantime, I have a couple of more Legion stories collected. One of them will take multiple parts!
Then Lana, suspecting that he's really Superboy, leaves and doesn't come back for the rest of the story. Well, that was entirely pointless.
Clark heads home, and discovers that one of only three men on the planet important enough to be able to contact him directly is calling. Those three men?
Well, it turns out that it's that last guy. A small airplane is going down near Smallville, so Clark races off as Superboy to save the day. Boy, it does seem like a lot of aircraft almost crash in Smallville.
However, as he's approaching, he hits upon a strange notion. "I'm always rescuing endangered aircraft!" See? Even he's noticed! "This time, I'll be different! Instead of saving the plane, I'll destroy it! HA HA HA! FALL, PLANE! FALL!"
Well, the Legion finally did it. They made him insane. Good job, fellas. Now, we're all completely boned.
Krypto the Super-dog comes along. Now, I have to confess something. I have a soft spot for Krypto the Super-dog. A lot of people do. Who doesn't like the idea of a story about a Superboy and his Super Dog going on adventures? Super-Horse and Super-Monkey and Super-Dingo and Super-Squid and whatever other super-animal monstrosities the Silver Age spawned can all go straight to hell, but the dog is awesome.
The dog is the only animal to have been brought back since the Crisis. However, there was one major change that had to take place: NO FREAKING THOUGHT BUBBLES.
Having a dog that can tear the planet in half when you don't feed it on time and fry cats with heat vision is awesome.
Having a dog that provides detailed exposition via thought bubbles is stupid.
I know, that's a remarkably thin line, but it's there, dammit.
In any case, the dog saves the day, while giving a long, detailed explanation of how he's doing it as has been observed, because the Silver Age, that's why. Although, to be honest, it's kinda hard to read that from the art.
Superboy seems to turn good again for a moment, but that just leads into this classic moment of Superdickery.
However, he snaps right back out of it, hugs his dog, and gets the plane's passengers to safety. So, the day is saved, except for the most powerful being on Earth is now suffering from irregular bouts of psychotic rage.
The next day, he goes to meet everyone's favorite trio of future lunatics, the Legion's founders. They're waiting in the middle of the Gobi desert, with a strange device set up. Also, Superboy refers to their time machine as a "time-cabinet".
It turns out that the device is a Phantom Zone viewer, and that they're taking inventory of the Kryptonian criminals. General Zod even pops in, to remind us all that YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE ME, SON OF JOR-EL! YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
There's also this guy, who will become important later.
In a sequence that would probably be a decent jump-scare if it was in a film, Zod suddenly thrusts his hand through the view screen, and tries to pull Superboy into the Phantom Zone, while Mon-el yells to him that this whole thing is a trap. Superboy crushes the viewscreen, only to be suddenly struck from behind.
Superboy signals his robots to come and help, but Cos easily deals with them using his magnetic powers. They begin gloating, when suddenly EVIL FLOATING BRAINS OUTTA NOWHERE! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
They're the giant floating brains of Rambat, a planet that was destroyed thousands of years ago. This leads into one of the most amazing panels I've ever seen. Allow me to quote an earlier post:
kleine_kat wrote:
I've always hated how, in the old X-men comics--which were actually pretty awesome--but also in newer comics, the characters insist on telling what's already being shown quite plainly:
"Lazerbeam's...burning! I can't keep standing! Must...remove...ruby quartz glasses..."
And that kind of shit.
"My Sword! It's broken!" Well, duh.
"Armour...disintegrating!" Yeah, we can see that, bub. You're not in a novel, you see, but in a GRAPHIC NOVEL.
The brains ramble on for a page and a half about how everything that's gone wrong recently is their doing, and part of their stupid plan to planetjack the Earth. To focus on keeping Superboy subdued, they release the Legionaries, because their mind control powers make them virtually untouchable.
Which is when Krypto shows up and attacks them. They scatter, as their powers don't seem to effect him, but they point out that even one of them could activate the Earth-destroying machine in seconds, which causes Krypto to retreat. Basically, the four brains need to be attacked simultaneously in order to keep them off balance, but not by humans.
During the distraction, Saturn Girl comes up with "a great idea." They race to the time machine.
Now, if you have any self respect, take this advice:
Click play and wait for about 25 seconds BEFORE looking at the next picture.
And this is the moment when Cos wished that he brought his cell phone. Pictures of this would mean blackmail material for a lifetime.
Thus, the four brain globes are simultaneously defeated, and promise not to ever show their faces around here again, and the heroes believe them because . . . honestly, would you?
Superboy wakes up, and Saturn Girl takes credit for the victory, as she can't let him know that there will exist a Supergirl, never mind whatever the fuck you want to call that pervert that Saturn Girl was just unknowingly riding on.
He gets his strength back in time to move the planet back into orbit. Saturn Girl leaves, with apologies, for once.
Clark goes home, and Pa Kent tells him that he could just fly back in time and find out how they defeated the brains, but Superboy just shrugs and says that he trusts Saturn Girl. Not sure why that is, but it's a nice gesture, I'm sure.
Keith Fraser Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Join date : 2009-06-11 Age : 41 Location : The Emerald Isle
I renounce my atheism. There is no God but Lulz, and Lysander is his/her/its Prophet. :roflmao:
Fridge Logic: If you have a time machine, why stop at summoning four super-animals? Why not collect something specifically designed for defeating telepathic space brains?
Cyberwulf NO NOT THE BEEEEES
Join date : 2009-06-03 Age : 42 Location : TRILOBITE!
"HA HA HA! THE GIANT BRAIN AM WINNING AGAIN! I AM THE GREETEST! NOW I AM LEAVING EARTH, FOR NO RAISIN!"
Keith Fraser wrote:
Fridge Logic: If you have a time machine, why stop at summoning four super-animals? Why not collect something specifically designed for defeating telepathic space brains?
Because Matt Groening had yet to write Futurama, that's why.
Fridge Logic: If you have a time machine, why stop at summoning four super-animals? Why not collect something specifically designed for defeating telepathic space brains?
Okay, so they could go get an army of robots or something, but c'mon. These kids are from the future. They see robots every single day. How often do you get to ride a flying horse with laserbeam eyes into battle against giant brains, thrusting out your fist and yelling "CHARGE!" at the top of your lungs?
As silly as the result seems to us, to Saturn Girl, that must seem like a crowning moment of awesome.
Trioculus Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11 Location : State of Utter Confusion
Never mind the bustier; I wanna know where the hell that thing that looks like a cross between a billy goat and a monkey came from! And why is he dressed like a Shriner?
Lysander Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Join date : 2009-06-10
Subject: Re: Godawful Comics (NWS) Thu Oct 15, 2009 5:04 am
The Legion has two socially unfortunate traditions: you have to compete to hang out with them, and once you're accepted, you have to constantly compete for dominance. Hence, the Legion's annual superfluous "elections," which are little more than shallow popularity contests, since none of the candidates ever seem to have an actual campaign platform or any issues which actually require a democratic system to manage fairly.
On election day, a rather happy and carefree Saturn Girl sails down from the clouds. You should especially take note of the big honkin' ray gun that she's packing. Where she got it, I don't know. Presumably the same place that Jungle King got his, for that one panel when he had one. Maybe ray guns just happen, because this is the future, with science.
As she's about to enter the clubhouse, a little capsule drops out of the sky, and spits out a message, which Saturn Girl reads to herself, revealing nothing about it except for the fact that it concerns "Zaryan the Conqueror." She immediately vaporizes the capsule and it's message. It's job done, the ray gun vanishes into the ether, never to be seen again.
The meeting is called, with everyone present, save Superboy and Supergirl. They unveil the trusty Vote-O-Matic machine, proving that Diebold has survived into the 30th century.
However, she who cheats first, cheats best. Saturn Girl is declared the unanimous winner, proving that she went against tradition by voting for herself. The whole thing causes Brainy to turn a sickly shade of blue.
Saturn Girl calls the meeting to order, and says that Colossal Boy is the treasurer. Because, you know, he's Jewish.
It turns out the Legion recently foiled a Zaryan-related heist at the Space Bank (again with that place!), and as a result, the Legion was rewarded with $200,000 in spectrium, a rainbow-colored precious metal. Zaryan is also reported to have attempted to bribe the Legion during a previous encounter.
Saturn Girl grabs the bar of metal, and tosses into the HOLY JESUSGOD THAT IS THE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES! First of all, why do they have a medallion-manufacturing machine in their meeting room? Secondly, do . . . do you think that horrible eye follows them around the room, even when the machine is turned off? Because that would be scary, man.
The machine chews the metal up in it's unholy maw, and spits out Imra-adorned medallions for all the Legion to wear.
Saturn Girl pulls out the Legion Constitution, and points to one of it's many, many retarded clauses in order to silence all opposition to her rule. *inset dated Bush reference here*
Now in control of the Legion, and having tossed their annual budget into the shitter, she demands a series of exacting trials of every member, with severe punishment for failure.
Oh my God, look at that chair. It's a flying saucer/living room recliner. I want a flying Barcalounger!
Clad in their Saturn Girl amulet, each member of the Legion goes through her tests, and each one fails, as her expectations seem to be just past what they can actually accomplish. This allows her to "ground" them from going on missions, one by one. One by one, she sends them back to the clubhouse, dejected and barred from service, until she is the sole remaining active Legionnaire.
What I want to know is, how did she test Brainy? Did she give him a huge-ass equation to solve?
Once alone, she reveals that the amulets have in fact allowed her to temporarily duplicate all their powers! Wow, that's actually very useful; so useful, in fact, that it'll never be used again! She also reminds herself that Superboy and Supergirl are not in this time period, even though that was clearly stated just a few pages ago.
Sadly, we never see her imitate Bouncing Boy's power.
She then heads back to the clubhouse to berate the Legion some more, when a call from the police comes in. Zaryan has been sighted in the solar system, and he intends to attack Earth.
Saturn Girl puts on a space suit, and streaks off alone while screaming "Disgraceful!", and threatening to expel anyone who follows her.
With a big, happy grin on her face, she thinks "Everything's worked out perfectly! I'm going to meet Zaryan- and now I possess the stolen powers of all the other Legionnaires, just as I planed!"
Lightning Lad emerges from the clubhouse in a space suit, and races off after her, yelling that he's discovered something important.
Shrinking Violent responds by hammering it home for the slow kids in the audence: "Great Scott! Is it possible he's found out that Saturn Girl is in league with Zaryan?! It would be awful if Zaryan has bribed her to "ground" us, so we wouldn't be able to fight him! What if she's gone to help conquer Earth?"
Of course, now that she's said it out loud, it's going to turn out to be wrong, nobody is going to conquer the Earth, and she's going to be horribly embarrassed and go back to never having any lines. And it is. Saturn Girl had the noblest of intentions all along, in spite of all the snarling, cackling, yelling, and thinking things like "AH HAH HAH! I'VE FOOLED THEM ALL WITH MY MIGHTY MENTAL COMMANDS!"
Out in space, Zaryan's red rocketship assembles Voltron-style, and he prepares to attack Earth. Saturn Girl moves to attack, but is suddenly overtaken by Lightning Lad, who is wise to her scheme. She orders, then asks, then begs him to turn back, but he's using faster flying equipment than she is.
Lightning Lad destroys the ship and Zaryan, but is fatally wounded by a ray blast, in what would actually be rather impressive artwork for the time, if it was for the GIANT THOUGHT BUBBLE DESCRIBING WHAT IS HAPPENING COVERING UP NEARLY A THIRD OF IT.
Saturn Girl tries to reassure him that he will be okay, but Lightning Lad tells her that it's his dying request to be returned to the clubhouse.
These are the last words of Lightning Lad:
Spoiler:
"*Gasp* . . . You're wondering how I learned your secret, aren't you? You fooled all the Legionnaires, . . . except one! He told me the truth! You forgot . . . Legion member Mon-El . . . who inhabits the Phantom Zone until we can make . . . a serum which will permanently rid him of his vulnerability to lead poisoning! Some time ago, while hovering near you in his phantom world, the invisible Mon-El witnessed *A FLASHBACK TO THE MESSAGE CAPSULE LANDING* The note, written in English by the aliens who knew our language, shocked you . . . 'Our computer-machine predicts a Legionnaire member will die using his, or her, super-power to battle an invasion of Earth by "Zaryan the Conquerer! Our machine can't reveal which Legionnaire will die! - The Trylop Council of Planet Mernl. Next, Mon-El saw . . . *FLASHBACK TO SATURN GIRL DESTROYING THE MESSAGE AND PLOTTING TO RIG THINGS SO THAT SHE IS THE ONE WHO PERISHES* After you won the election for our new club leader . .. . *ANOTHER FUCKING FLASHBACK TO IMRA STEALING THE POWERS* He was unable to tell me your plan until after you left Earth! Until then, sun-spot disturbances prevented his telepathic message from getting through the Phantom Zone barrier . . . . just as sunspot static has recurred now, so that I can't be sent into the Zone. Don't cry, Saturn Girl! Better me . . . *gasp* than you . . . . goodbye . . . ."
Wowzers.
That's more than twice as long as it took for Trinity to die in the last Matrix movie, counting the dialog in the flashbacks. I read it aloud and timed it. Possibly much more so, depending on how long it took them to fly back to Earth.
So yeah, the entire thing happened because Saturn Girl intercepted a message predicting that one of them would die, and tried to insure that it was her, and not one of her friends. This is in spite of the fact that all the time travel stuff has established that it's impossible to change someone's ultimate destiny.
"Remember me fondly, my friends. Remember me flying into space, screaming about how disgraceful and pathetic you all are." Thus, we learn that the Legion can be utter tools, even while heroically sacrificing themselves.
So, after dying THE WORDIEST FUCKING DEATH IMAGINABLE, Lightning Lad is entombed with honors in a shrine somewhat like the Tomb of Lenin, because that's just so creepy. He also appears in the clouds, like Simba's dad from the Lion King to wave goodbye to some random aliens. His spirit is shown standing next to Obi-Wan and Yoda's. Scotty shows up to play Amazing Grace on the bagpipes, and Garth is shot at the Genesis Planet in order to set up the sequel. It turns out Rosebud is his space rocket-sled OF THE FUTURE.
We also get our first continuity-destroying shot of Superboy and Supergirl together. This will become common enough that they have to come up with fridge logic to explain it.
The grieving Legionnaires exit the tomb, and Saturn Girl is especially heartbroken, to the point where Superboy and Cosmic Boy have to help her walk out. A memorial is also raised, marking him as the first member of the Legion to die on active duty.
But not the last. Oh, no. Not by a long shot.
Trioculus Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11 Location : State of Utter Confusion
Subject: Re: Godawful Comics (NWS) Thu Oct 15, 2009 8:19 am
Spoiler:
Garth doesn't stay dead, either. In fact, he comes back like four issues later. In a suitably wierd fashion.
I'm taking this from an 80 Page Giant that has all the entire story behind this printed in it. It's all leading up to something astoundingly squicky. If you know what it is, please don't spoil it. I want to be able to savor this.
Cyberwulf NO NOT THE BEEEEES
Join date : 2009-06-03 Age : 42 Location : TRILOBITE!
also I'd love to see the Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen comics if you have them because judging from Superdickery they all revolve around Superman ruining their lives in some way
The second has very little to do with the others. However, it does show us the immediate aftermath of Lightning Lad's death, which is the theme of these stories. It also shows up that a new, futuristic style of mourning has come into fashion, which has only two steps: sorrow, and then instantly replacing your dead friends.
In brief, the story is this: Brainy cures Mon-El, who can now leave the Phantom Zone and join the Legion proper. He also fights a version of the Sun Eater that looks like a giant cosmic Cookie Monster.
But intergalactic muppets of doom aren't important right now.
What's important is that the Legion has decided to blind the entire world.
Saturn Girl and Mon-El are off to exterminate a deadly space fungus, in what I'm absolutely sure is probably not a metaphor for something sexual he picked up from Ursa in the Phantom Zone.
On her way out, Saturn Girl orders that the new flag be taken to L-Lad's creepy tomb and draped over his coffin, which is the first sign of her rapidly developing obsession with his corpse.
On the way to his tomb, they recount the story of his death, complete with that recycled picture of him fighting Zaryan, which will be featured in every single story in this volume. Please note that Superboy is with them.
In the tomb, the exposition continues until Bouncing Boy asks for it to be called on account of Garth visibly twitching in his grave, and he suddenly appears to be alive.
Nobody is freaked out that Garth has spontaneously returned from the dead without so much as a Black Lantern ring to show for it. Nor are they concerned that Superboy has apparently morphed into Supergirl in between panels. Oh, no. Instead, they fixate on the completely unfounded idea that somehow his superpowers have been effected by all this.
Because, if you don't have powers, you're NOT COOL, and if you're not cool, you don't get to hang out with the Legion.
We also get our first ever look at the origin of Lightning Lad. Unlike the constantly recycled art depicting his death, this event looks completely different each time it's shown. In particular, the lightning beasts look different each time this is shown. I have to admit, this is my favorite rendition of them. I mean, look at them. Never in a million years did I expect to see electric biomechanical vampire hippos.
Anyway, he's blasted by electric beasts, which gives him the ability to generate unimaginable amounts of electricity due to freak accident/chemical spill/ atomic radiation/ unique physiology/ metagene/ blessing by the Lords of Korbol. This kinda changes a lot, too.
In any case, the Legion are now worried that the powers are gone for some reason. Rather than asking him, they arrange for a fake test. A guy dressed in a lab coat asks them to make lightning strike his lab because SCIENCE. Lightning Lad flies off, but Sun Boy for some reason uses his powers to somehow create a big storm, which makes lightning strike before L-Lad can attempt to use his powers. He tells nobody of this.
Before a second test can be arranged, the Legionnaires are summoned by the SCIENCE POLICE.
That's not a joke. They're actually called the Science Police.
They have a possible lead on the location of a legendary pirate outpost, the Thieves' planet. It's located somewhere around the coordinates of "over here, somewhere, maybe." Gee, that really narrows it down.
Finding this bit of non-data immensely useless, the Legion decides to stake out an asteroid somewhere to try to catch the pirates. Sun Boy continues to muse that Lightning Lad probably lost his powers, but he can't let the others find that out.
They sit down on the asteroid, and are eventually attacked by a pirate ship. It's made of non-magnetic materials, so Cosmic Boy shouts for Garth to finish the job with a burst of lightning. Sun Boy again fakes them out before Lightning Lad can react, bouncing some light off a crystal to make a simulacrum of a lightning burst which is not very convincing at all, as the other Legionnaires observe.
Turns out, the pirates are stealing rare and expensive animals. The ship is full of more of those weird aliens and monsters like in the Jungle King story. Especially note the little blob of porridge, there. That's a Protean. Chameleon Boy finds it extremely charming, owing to the fact that he's also a non-solid lifeform. He adopts it, and decides to call it "Proty."
Brainy decodes the ship's . . . wait, where did Brainy come from? Earlier, it was Cos, Sun Boy, Bouncing Boy, L-Lad, and Chameleon Boy. Wait, wasn't Violet there back on Earth? What happened to her? Where did Superboy/girl go off to?
Anyway, Brainy decodes the ship's logs, and discovers the location of the pirate base, while the Legion disguises it's ship as a pirate craft, and . . . .
WHAT?! Invisible Kid? MON-EL?! WHAT?! Mon-El is off with Saturn Girl! WE ESTABLISHED THAT EARLIER, REMEMBER?!
They arrive at the pirate hideout (now minus Invisible Kid and Mon-El), only to find out that the place remains hidden because it has a planet-wide cloaking device hidden somewhere on it.
They land an unload the animals at a market, only to be made by what appears to be a medallion-manufacturing machine with a cleft lip.
Huh.
They are taken to the leader of the Thieves' Planet, only to discover that it is one of those energy beings that Star Trek would make so popular. It's powerful enough to cloak the entire planet, and is surrounded by a phalanx of robot soldiers, so they are forced to surrender. The energy being orders them to be locked in the "Jewel Jail", until it has time to mind-rape the secrets out of them.
The Jewel Jail turns out to be a giant hollow gem, which is unbreakable. Sun Boy can't burn their way out, because it reflects his powers. Chem asks L-Lad to blast the gem open, which Sun Boy vetoes. Now, Cos openly suggests that Garth has lost his powers, and Sun Boy is protecting him.
Chem heads off the argument, but coaxing Proty into turning into a fake ray gun, which he uses to threaten the guard.
The Legion launches an attack on Thieves' World, with Sun Boy yelling at Garth to get his powerless ass behind him and try not to get killed, over his apparent objections. They soon turn out to be unstoppable, until they are confronted by the energy being, which proves impervious to attack.
Impervious, that is, until L-Lad simply blasts it to death with the lightning power that he's had all along, surprising Sun Boy. Sun Boy has an explanation for his behavior: "But this isn't really Lightning Lad at all! I've suspected from the first that this is a double of him . . . a GIRL double!"
Yes, all of the Legionnaires have been suckered by his twin sister, who is either manish enough to fool L-Lad's closest friends, or an extremely brilliant and talented crossdresser (and Sun Boy is just really good at tranny-spotting), or both. Never mind that Sun Boy has been calling her "Lightning LAD" in his thought bubbles throughout the entire story.
We get our first re-rendition of Garth's origins, only this time, his sister Ayla is also there, meaning she also got lightning powers. His brother, on the other hand, is completely absent.
I honestly have no idea what Sun Boy and Ayla's plans here were. I guess she intended to take Garth's place forever, somehow hoping that Saturn Girl won't catch on to the fact that her boyfriend always wants to make love with the lights out, and doesn't have a penis.
Sun Boy's plan is simpler. He was just going to follow Lightning Lad around for the rest of his life while badly trying to fake lightning superpowers.
After his death, she decided to take his place in the Legion and carry on his work, which is exactly why she desecrated his grave, stole his corpse, hid it on Korbol, hid herself in his coffin, and faked his resurrection.
And now, having uncovered this, the Legion of course decide to induct her into their ranks.
I mean, c'mon. Even they've never managed to take misguided superdickery to the level of GRAVE ROBBING! That's quite an accomplishment!
Superboy has apparently morphed into Supergirl in between panels.
Obviously someone fell in the Spring of Drowned Kryptonian Boy/Girl, and got splashed with cold/hot water between panels.
Is the Jewel Jail anything like the Jingle-Jail from the Christmas episode of Invader Zim?
Also, Fridge Logic moment again: in THE FUTURE, where FTL travel, flight belts, ray guns etc. are apparently so commonplace, would most of the Legionnaires' powers really be all that impressive?
Trioculus Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11 Location : State of Utter Confusion
In the early 1990's there were several Legion stories mentioning a Gender Reversal bacteria, and featured directly in two. One was a deep, heartfelt one where they revealed that Element Lad's longtime girlfriend was really a man. The second was one where Matter Eater Lad got turned into a girl to help inflitrate a band of female space pirates; this one was mostly played for laughs.
Later continuity establishes Dirk (Sun Boy) as a skirt chaser; maybe Ayla was setting off his poondar or something.
But of course, Ayla somehow posing as Garth stops making sense almost immediately at the end of this issue--for someone who convinced almost everybody that she was a guy, she all of a sudden fills out that outfit with some very female curves.
I suppose it could almost work if the Gender Reversal bacteria was retconned in later, come to think of it. Ayla takes GR serum, turns into Garth lookalike, is found out, stops taking it, boobs return.
It would have to have worked that way for the Earth Prime versions (from the most recent LSH run). Garth looks like a bodybuilder, and Ayla looks like she has to use her gravity nullifcation power to keep from snapping at the waist and falling over.
Lysander Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Join date : 2009-06-10
Subject: Re: Godawful Comics (NWS) Fri Oct 16, 2009 5:01 am
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING STORY CONTAINS EXTREME SQICK AT THE END. APPROACH WITH CAUTION AND MAYBE A VOMIT PAIL.
Lightning Lass, Sun Boy, Cham, and Superboy are all setting nerviously around a table, waiting for Mon-El to arrive. Proty sets on Chem's shoulder, dripping like a great ball of phlegm.
It appears that there is some debate as to exactly how dead Garth actually is, owing to the freezing nature of the death ray that killed him. Mon-El is visiting his super-science homeworld of Daxam, in search of a way to reverse the process and revive Lightning Lad.
Proty, sensing Mon-El in everyone's thoughts with it's telepathic powers, briefly transforms into him, before the real Mon-El arrives with bad news. The Daxamites have no way to restore Lightning Lad. This comes as a terrible blow to his sister, but Sun Boy worries even more about what the news will do to Saturn Girl.
To put it bluntly, she's starting to show signs of cracking. The failure of her plan to make the ultimate sacrifice is the absolute bitchiest way possible, combined with the traumatic nature of Garth's death, and the uncertain nature of his current state, are all weighing heavily on her.
Aside from forming a close bond with Proty over the past few weeks, she's shown little interest in anything but reviving Lightning Lad. Even as the news comes in, she is not at the clubhouse with the others. She is on Korbol, tearfully standing guard over his body, awaiting news on how to begin reviving him.
There's only one problem: although she can't pick the details from highly-disciplined mind, Saturn Girl can tell that he is lying.
Crushed and helpless, Lightning Lass begins to weep over his coffin. The sight so touches Superboy that he swears an oath: to search the universe for a means to restore Garth Ranzz to life. The oath is heartily echoed by all of the Legionnaires.
Several legends and methods of death-revival are uncovered. Superboy heads to AB-214, a binary star system on the far edge of the galaxy. Mon-El heads to a world populated by mysterious beings called Tarocs, which are said to die and live again. Saturn Girl goes with him, silently vowing not to leave his side for a moment until she uncovers the secret he's hiding about the revivification process. The others head for the Science Foundation of Skor, where advanced medical research is done.
Superboy arrives at his destination first. He discovers that the people of the planet do indeed seem to be dead under the light of the planet's orange sun, but when the blue sun is ascendant, they arise as if it weren't no thing.
Meanwhile, Imra and Mon-El have arrived at the planet of the Tarocs, and she's still stewing in her suspicions. Mon-El knows that she suspects something, possibly because of the hilarious WTF face she made above.
Mon-El takes out one of the Tarocs, only to discover that the legend is not true: the monsters simply carry their young inside of themselves, and they burst out upon the death of their parent, like a phoenix.
That's totally useless, so they head back to Korbol empty-handed.
When they learn that Superboy has also failed, the shock causes Mon-El to drop his mental control for just a moment, resulting in another lulzy facial expression from Saturn Girl. Either she thinks Mon-El is trying to prevent her from saving the man she's already secretly in love with, or someone dropped an ice cube down the back of her shirt.
The remaining Legionnaires are temporarily sidetracked when space dragons attack the space post office, and I honestly can't think of anything silly to say about that. At least, nothing sillier than what it already is.
Chem and Proty save the day . . . oh wait, two people died in the hard vacuum; they didn't save shit.
They take the dead dudes to Skor, where scientists have developed a sarcophagus like the one from Stargate that can bring back people who die via freezing. Within a few hours, the treatment revives both of the people who died at the post office.
Ayla is absolutely thrilled, but the Science Doctor of Science warns them, "From what you told me, the atoms of his body may have been permanently damaged, and if so, it might not work!"
Are you sure it's safe to keep crowding around his body, then?
Hopes soaring, the Legion returns to Korbol, and places him inside the capsule, talking about how great it'll be to have him back.
Four hours later, he's still dead. It's not going to work.
The Legion are extremely dejected, because this one really looked like it was gonna work, and also because I think they've been exposed to fatal doses of radiation from L-Lad's body by now. However, they don't quit, and set off in search of more leads.
Saturn Girl tells Mon-El that she just remembered a planet with a potential method on it. She picks a random point in space that sets them on a course which requires flying by Daxam. While near the planet, she punctures her own air tank, forcing them to make an emergency landing. While being checked out at a hospital, she gets the doctor to spill the beans, and Mon-El sighs, and admits defeat.
He calls the Legion back to Korbal, and explains that he has found the one method which could possibly revive Garth.
He has acquired some tools which, for lack of a better term, are called "lightning rods." They are super-science devices made from metal and LASERS and OUTER SPACE. When activated by electricity, they will kill the loser, and use their life force to revive the patient. The process is so completely fatal, that not even Superboy or Mon-El could survive it, but it WILL restore Lightning Lad.
The only problem is, someone else has to volunteer to die.
Saturn Girl volunteers first, since dying in his place was sorta her plan all along, but she's quickly followed by all the others. At this point, they're all too emotionally invested in this to turn aside. There's no fair way to choose who lives and who dies. Thus, Superboy proposes that there is only one alternative.
No, not really. While mass suicide by lightning probably is the most metal thing ever conceived (although they should probably be performing Metallica's "Ride the Lightning" while doing it), Superboy's real plan is to allow fate to decide. They will all hold up a lightning rod, and when the lightning hits one of the rods, it will go off, killing that person and saving Garth.
Basically, they're going to restore Lightning Lad back to life with ultra-tech Russian Roulette with lightning in outer space. Which is fuckin' awesome. Can someone remind me why I'm snarking this, again? It kinda kicks ass.
Everyone goes and starts setting things up, all while preparing themselves for this courageous, suicidal, yet utterly ridiculous scheme.
Unbeknownst to them all, Saturn Girl is still nursing that martyr complex, and has decided to, once again, try to kill herself to protect her friends. She's rigging her wand so that it will attract the lightning to her. However, she spots Proty running into a cave, and gives chase.
Minutes later, the Legionnaires gather around Garth's coffin, and fearlessly hold up their wands.
Tense seconds tick by . . . .
Who will the lightning strike?
Then, there is a bright flash, a clap of thunder, and . . . .
Garth sets up in his grave. "Hi, guys! I'm back! Where's that girl who I died to protect? You know, the one who, with my dying breath, I told that I was happy to die in her place?"
"Uh, she kinda just died to bring you back."
"Grife. You guys are morons."
However, Saturn Girl's smoking corpse begins to melt, revealing that Proty took her place.
While that seems like an out-of-the-blue twist, it's really not. Proty's shown to have formed a bond with Saturn Girl. His telepathic abilities are displayed earlier in the story. It's not entirely impossible that he was semi-intelligent. He read Imra's mind, and realized that she was preparing to die, so he trapped her in the caves, and took her place, saving her.
The real Saturn Girl escapes from the caves, and comes running up to them (seeing Garth alive puts a big smile on her face), assuming that they went without her.
Upon seeing Proty's remains, she sheds a single tear, for she will never forget the ball of bukkake that sacrificed itself for her.
This is one of the most important Legion stories of all time, and it's easy to see why. If you can forgive the Silver Age-y-ness of it all, it still kinda stands up today. The story was referenced as early as the next issue, and as late as 2007.
Superman himself felt that this as one of the pinnacle moments of his life: although it was influenced by the fact that they were extremely young, this was the moment when he realized just how absurdly far he and his friends will go to help someone they love.
As for the story itself, for what it is, it's pretty okay.
Which, of course, meant that they used retcons to completely ruin it.
Spoiler:
Let's skip ahead quite a bit. This incident ultimately changed the lives of the Legion. Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl in particular now knew exactly how far they were willing to go for each other. This is totally what set them on the path where Superman made out with Lighting Man's wife at the Christmas party.
Garth, in particular, matured into a very responsible man. He turned his family business into a corporate empire. He let Imra go back on active duty, perfectly content to stay home and watch their child so that she could enjoy her time with their friends. Eventually, Garth was injured and forced to use a cane, leading to their retirement from adventuring. They settled on Garth's agrarian homeworld, became very content, and had a set of beautiful twins. Happily ever after, right?
Wrong. Something was fishy with him. A set of duplicates of the original Legionnaires were created. The Lightning Lad clone was behaving oddly, in that he was nothing like the man Imra married. In fact, he was an absurdly reckless hot-headed renegade, far more so than anyone remembered Garth being when he was that young. How could he be in any way related to the responsible family man she knew and loved?
It's almost like they were completely different people.
Y'see kids, that lightning rod? It didn't revive Garth Ranzz. In fact, it killed him, and injected the soul of the person who was holding it into his body.
That person? FUCKING PROTY. Who, upon waking up in Garth's body, NEGLECTED TO MENTION ANY OF THIS FOR THIRTY GODDAMN YEARS.
According to the people behind this retcon, Proty murdered Garth, inserted himself into Garth's corpse, stole his identity for the entire period of 1962-1995, married his girlfriend, and fathered three children with his body.
That's why Saturn Girl was RAPED BY A BALL OF SAPIENT BOOGERS disguised by her boyfriend for over a quarter of a century.
GEE, IT'S TOO BAD SHE ISN'T A MIND-READER, OR ANYTHING! BECAUSE IF SHE WAS, SHE WOULD HAVE CAUGHT ON IMMEDIATELY!
Fuck, that's evil.
Yeah, there were a lot of reasons why the Legion was ultimately rebooted (as you can probably tell from the part about the clone duplicates), but this one has got to be the nail in the fucking coffin. I mean . . . what? Why would editorial fucking sign off on this?
That's also why the "reteroboot" Legion cuts off after about the mid-seventies: so that we can have the Silver Age Legion back, but without this horseshit.
Remember kiddies: just because the Silver Age sucked, doesn't mean that the Dark Age didn't suck a thousand times worse.
On that note: this is no longer canon. This . . . this isn't anything, anymore. I can't crack jokes about these stupid comics if I have to imagine an undead Proty fucking an unwitting Saturn Girl, because that makes me feel like I need to take about eleventeen showers.
So, now that I've shown it to you, let's forget it ever happened. In any future issues that I snark, Lightning Lad is inhabited by Lightning Lad, just as the modern continuity states, and I'm not even going to imply differently. Anyone, and especially any comic book that implies differently can fuck right the hell off.
Trioculus Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11 Location : State of Utter Confusion
If it's any consolation at all, even the other writers before the first Reboot never referred to that evil retcon plot twist ever again. I think even they realized they went more than a step too far with that one--it was even more Head Explodey than the secret origin of Validus.
Still...I almost wonder if Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning were intentionally inverting this plot twist later on in the Post-Zero Hour/Pre-Earth Prime Legion: they killed Garth off, and had him come back a couple of years later--but in Element Lad's body.
Then Geoff Johns and George Perez restored that Garth to normal in Legion of Three Worlds....but somehow, forgot to give him his right arm back. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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