Surrender Sweet Prince--a repost from GAFF

This has got to be the silliest crossover romance I have ever seen. Surrender Sweet Prince . . . the power of plot contrivances compels you!

Stop me if you've heard this one: Beautiful, brave, and butt-kicking Princess _____, betrayed and alone, wanders out of the woods into the wonderful city of _____ where she is taken in by kindly, accommodating _____, who gives her lots of nice things and invites her to parties. Princess _____ settles into her new life quickly, making many instant friends and impressing people. She meets handsome, brave, and butt-kicking--but lonely--Prince _____ and they can't stop thinking about each other, but the murderous villain _____ schemes to keep them apart. Nevertheless, they persist against all odds because Prince ____ wants only to tell Princess _____ how wonderful she is and play his assigned role in her fantasies about badly written sex, a lavender and white wedding, and a baby.

Doesn't it sound like a Legomance? Nope. It's something a lot funnier.

The author of this bit of sweat-flavored cotton candy, FairDrea, has considerable strengths. Her style is pleasant and readable, although she needs an editor. She uses vivid, well-chosen descriptive detail (except in the romantic interludes, which are full of slanting lips and ebony pools). It's clear from her occasional flashes of excellence that she knows how to write the canon characters. Unfortunately, there is no way for the canon characters to fit into FairDrea's preposterous plot, so she has to keep hammering them with cliches and last-minute plot adjustments.

As our story begins, Serena Tsukino, heroine of the Sailormoon U.S. dub, is having a very bad afternoon. She has been training to be "a refined and dignified woman" with the Outer Sailors:

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They had taught her how to play the violin, how to walk without tripping over her own feet, how to cook [although in about a year she will have "little faith in her ability"], `and most importantly they had taught her how to fight [although in two days she will be very out of shape]. Under their tutelage, Serena had blossomed from a clumsy adolescent into a woman anyone would be proud to call their Queen. Now all that was left to do was present her new self to the Inners--

--who, although she considers them to be "her friends," think she's a "whining, sniveling, incompetent brat." Why has she kept her special training secret from the Inners? Because the author needs her to be disrespected and misunderstood, of course.

Besides this, Darien--

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was always so cool and distant towards her, treating her more like a pesky sibling [who he once tried to rape] then a devoted girlfriend. Besides, how much trust could you put in a guy who let his dreams control his life? Not much.

Apparently so; she shows up early for a Scout meeting for once, only to catch Rei and Darien in bed together.

Serena's life has crumbled around her; there is nothing left for her in Tokyo (her family being so much chopped liver even though she still lives at home). Besides,

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"I am no longer needed here. There has been peace for quite some time now. I love Big Brother."

She stays up late writing farewell letters. Then it's time for a makeover!

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She was leaving and where ever she went she wanted to make damn sure that no one would recognize her. Plus, the two buns on each side of her head made her look childish. She did not want to look like that ever again.

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Her blonde tresses hung short, brushing her shoulders and curling in gently at the tips. She pushed her bangs to the side so that they no longer hung over her forehead, arranged her part so that it was running in a zigzag pattern over her scalp and nodded approvingly at her reflection. Well.almost approvingly. Her clothes still needed a vast improvement.

She viciously yanked off the frilly pink skirt, bunny shirt and white tennis shoes she wore, replacing them with a pair of boot cut jeans, deep brown suede boots and a white v-neck t shirt with the words "Rock Star" printed across it in blue rhinestones. She grabbed her new thigh length leather jacket and slipped it on.

Going from Hello Kitty to My Scene is technically maturing your look. Serena says "hell" a lot in this story, so I guess she has grown up--even though we learn later that twelve is "about Sammie's age," which means that Serena may be as young as sixteen. This not only causes continuity whiplash, but also makes quoting about half of this fic a flirtation with ye olde One Rule in some countries.

Serena sneaks out to meet the Outer Sailors, who are on her side against those horrible Inner Sailors (and Darien, "that little shit") 100 percent. Serena declares:

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I don't want to be here any longer. And I'm not running away. I have this feeling.like I belong somewhere else." She turned to Pluto. "You know what I'm talking about. I don't know how I know this.but I do."

Pluto nodded. She was the only one who knew where her Princess belonged, the greatness that she was destined for. [ . . . ] "Find happiness where you go, Serena. My Princess." She whispered, then placed her Princess into the hands of fate.

Apparently, Fate lives in the woods just outside Satan City in the Dragonball Z U.S. dub. (Did you know that Sailorpluto could jump dimensions?) There is a touching farewell-for-now scene with Rini, who somehow followed Sailor Pluto and Serena:

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"That's my girl." Serena whispered.

Rini finally stopped crying and stared up at Serena with solemn eyes. "I know what Darien did. I don't want him to be my daddy anymore."

"He's not your daddy." Serena stated with conviction. She was surprised at how right the words felt to say. Something inside her screamed that it was the truth. Darien wasn't Rini's father! Serena glanced up into Pluto's knowing eyes.

"All in good time." The Scout mouthed.

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Checking that she had her wallet, she started off in the direction of the large city. Her destiny awaited her there, some where in that city.along with, hopefully, a good restaurant. With those thoughts in mind, Serena quickened her pace.

She had found a cute little restaurant on a corner. The kind with the red-checkered drapes that served any calorie infested meal you could think of. Denny's? Serena sat in a small both in the corner with a window facing the busy street and had a paper laid out in front of her, two empty plates sitting off to the right. A Denny's that takes yen is in a world that deals in zenni?
She scanned the help wanted section, having already decided during her long walk into the city that a job was essential in her new life; although, to her dismay there weren't many to choose from. Many housekeeping positions with room and board were available but Serena wasn't much on cleaning. There were no nanny jobs with room and board, of course. Those are only available when the author is ripping off The Sound of Music. She was about to give up when a discreet ad in the far bottom corner caught her eye.

"Wanted; Energetic young woman to be personal assistant. Must me friendly,

Good with people and fearless. Must be willing to wear whiteface and call me "Mistah J." Room and board provided. Apply in person."

She arrives at Capsule Corporation in time to overhear a domestic dispute and bump into Trunks. Unfortunately for the reader, Trunks is not the sweet prince who is due to surrender. (Anyway, he's twelve.)

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Serena started to follow Trunks inside but ended up coming to a dead stop after less then three steps. Two? One? We don't have a vast range of options here! Somewhere, very close, a Ki signature was raising drastically. It was so intense and unlike any energy that Serena had felt before. The rest of this paragraph tweaks the One Rule. In short, Serena is suddenly very turned on.

Now we meet our designated kindly, accommodating parental figure with deep pockets:

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The woman rolled out from underneath the machine revealing a friendly face, blue eyes, and short teal-colored hair covered by a backwards hat. "Good. Because if it was your father I was going to tell him to go straight to hell-o dear!" the woman amended quickly upon seeing Serena.

By the end of the story, Bulma Briefs will have presented Serena with an "absolutely perfect" apartment, enough clothes for a year (described as she puts them on), home-cooked breakfasts, assorted knickknacks, and pizza. She is also her instant friend, interior decorator, and confidante, cheerfully providing paragraphs of personal and intimate detail about Serena's sweet prince. Bulma has to leave for a minute; the phone rings, so Serena--

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"Capsule Corporation, how may I help you?"

There was a pause on the other line, then a sputtering male voice replied. "Hi.ahh.is Bulma there?"

"She's upstairs right now. Can I take a message?"

"Who is this?"

Serena smiled. "This is Serena Tsukino. I'm applying for the job as personal assistant. How am I doing?"

The man on the other end laughed. "You're doing great. Hey, I don't suppose you would know where Trunks is would you?"

"He left for Goten's house about five minutes ago."

"Really? Good. That's all I wanted to know. I'm Goku, Goten's dad. All the boys are over here tra.uhh playing. So I just wanted to call and check to see if Trunks was coming. But it was nice talking to you Serena. Good luck on your interview."

"Thanks. It was nice talking to you too, Goku."

She hung up and Bulma walked in. "Was someone on the phone?" she asked.

"Yeah. I hope you don't mind. I didn't think anybody was going to answer. It was Goku asking if Trunks was home."

You know what I had tattooed on my forehead on the first day of my first job, when I was around Serena's age? THOU SHALT NOT REVEAL PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT ANYONE TO ANY CALLER TO WHOM THOU HAST NOT BEEN INTRODUCED. It hurt like blazes, too. But here's what Serena gets:

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"I would love to have you work with me. There are a few things that are a bit out of the ordinary, but you don't look like you scare easily. I can tell that your boots were made for rockin'. Trunks' father is a little.mmm.eccentric."

Serena nodded. "You're husband."

Bulma balked at the statement. "Oh god no. We tried that. Didn't work. He doesn't have a home anymore so he stays here. He's a good man. [If Trunks is 12, then Vegeta the former mass murderer was wished back to life because he had become a good person four years ago. Points to FairDrea.] He's just not my type. So, want to see where you'll be staying?" she asked cheerfully.

Serena is alone in her beautiful new room, having a good cry, when--

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Standing on a balcony, with his arms crossed arrogantly over his muscular chest, was one of the most gorgeous men she had ever laid eyes on. The energy inside her increased, making her feel as if her skin was burning. She tried to tear her gaze from the man but found it impossible. All she was capable of doing was drinking in the very sight of him. He had black, spiky hair, incredibly defined muscles, all outlined by the tight fitting clothes he wore. Blue jeans, a black t-shirt and a deep red vest. He was perfection.and he was staring right at her.

Yep. Poor Vegeta is the designated sweet prince. And oh, boy, is he going to surrender . . . while wearing numerous minutely described skintight outfits.

There are ten more chapters and an epilogue. Because I don't like posting long, stupid sex scenes, I can't quote much. To summarize:

In order to hurry the couple along to the romantic payoff, Serena and Vegeta are thrown together by the magic of ki-sensing. Specifically, each of them gets really horny if the other one's ki increases, the hotter the higher. By day two of Serena's stay in Satan City, they are kissing like gourami and she has become instant friends with the rest of the Z Senshi, "gracing [them] with her beauteous smile." By day three, Trunks wants them to get together; that night, Serena calls Vegeta to her balcony by pouring out her heart in the lyrics of "Full of Grace" by Sarah McLachlan just before she is attacked from afar. Her attacker, a mysterious, thin-lipped villain, inflicts a serious head injury and declares it necessary preparation for his "vengeance." Also, Goku is sure that Serena is "the one to show [Vegeta] that love was the greatest power of all."

Serena wakes up after "what felt like weeks" to find Vegeta watching over her sickbed; Vegeta declares that he is going to train her. He gets to see her transformation to Sailormoon and, of course, it turns him on. It also makes her more powerful than he is until he goes Super Saiyan.
Two weeks later, they go in one long scene from first time at second base to blissful virginal (on her part) sex on the training grounds. They wake up, naked, from their postcoital bliss to discover Rini watching them benevolently. (Ick.) Rini was brought by Sailorpluto, who has bad news. In the weeks since Serena's disappearance, the Inners attacked the Outers, then were themselves attacked by the thin-lipped villain. Yep, it's Darien. He joined with some "evil force" in order to get Rini back and killed Sailormars. Also, he eats live kittens for breakfast.

That night, as Rini sleeps peacefully by her mother, their room is invaded by something truly horrible; too bad it's stuck in this dumb romance as Thin-Lipped Darien's third strongest lieutenant. The thing overpowers Serena, who isn't wearing her brooch, but Vegeta charges in just in time and they save each other with the power of corny love before Vegeta blasts the thing to oblivion. Also, Vegeta says, "I love you too, Serena," but only after Serena has fallen asleep.

The next morning, Bulma, in her role of procuress ex-girlfriend, informs Serena (while making an enormous breakfast for the newly blended family) that she and Vegeta are "bonded" so strongly that even Bulma can feel it. See, Bulma and Vegeta never had this favorite of fanon; that's why they broke up. Serena and Vegeta are suddenly telepathic and act as if this has been happening all along.

Vegeta has an attack of cold feet (Run, Vegeta! Run!) and behaves like a rude, stuck-up jerk (in other words, his canon self) to Serena. This leaves Serena crying on the shoulders of Chi-Chi, Videl, and Bulma simultaneously, so they help her seduce him:

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They had put her in a rich purple halter like top that left almost her entire back bare and made her eyes appear much more dark and mysterious. It was tied loosely around her neck. In the front the silky fabric was cut down the middle in a long slit that stopped just above her navel, exposing an alarming amount of creamy flesh. The fabric clung tenaciously to her full breasts. A silver chain belt adorned her slim waist and the final touches, a black mini skirt with a slit over one thigh and a pair of low black heals with shinning deep purple straps that criss-crossed over her feet [and "a pretty silver mood ring" on one finger].

Sixteen, gang. Sixteen.

The evening is almost ruined because Trunks was training with his father that afternoon and his father was too angry to hold back. Luckily, this is just the trigger Serena needs to completely lose her temper, which is just the trigger Vegeta needs to confess that he can't help loving her, which is just the trigger they need to have more sex.

The next day, Bulma shows Serena the colors and materials she has picked out for Rini's annoyingly detailed room and they work on it all day. As Bulma says, "You two are practically family." And the day after that, during a picnic at Roshi's Island:

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It made Serena's heart sing to see Vegeta finally open up to his friends. Usually he would be all scowls when it came to talking to Goku or anyone else for that matter, but now he regarded his dark haired friend with a simple yet charmingly adorable grin.

Barf bags are in the seat pocket in front of you.

The party is broken up by Thin-Lipped Darien's second strongest lieutenant, Katroina, a generic sexy anime villainess. Serena quickly leads them to victory using her new Z Senshi powers as the surviving Sailor Scouts, brought by Sailorpluto, secretly watch in awe. Just as the Z Senshi are starting to relax, Thin-Lipped Darien himself shows up, cruelly finishing off the wounded Katroina (who, of course, adores him). The bit about Darien being a would-be rapist comes to light now so that Vegeta can beat up Darien to a pulp and then--

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The evil Prince's body twitched. Darien pushed himself up to his knees and glared up at Vegeta, blood running over his chin. "You would spare my life for HER?? WHY?" he screamed, his dark blue eyes wild. "She's nothing more then a slut! Do you hear me Serena.you're a goddamn slut!! You're worthless!! You'll never be anything more then a whiney, bitchy little tramp!!"

The next second stretched out like an hour for Serena. The words Darien spoke cut her deeply but they enraged the Sayian Prince. She saw his hand lift ever so slowly, saw the moment Darien realized that death was coming for him and then saw the ki blast leave Vegeta's hand and travel in slow motion, closing the distance between Vegeta and Darien. Light exploded around her and she swore she could hear an agonized scream. When the dust cleared there was nothing left of Darien. Vegeta dropped his hand and his hair went back to its original black color. He turned to Serena. "I had to."

She nodded and ran into his arms, clinging to him. "I know.I know." She whispered. "I love you Vegeta."

He laughed exhaustedly. "I love you too woman." He murmured.

Then we get the obligatory "she is all right and you are all wrong" scene with the surviving Inners, followed by a joyous reconciliation. Canon!Vegeta tries again to reemerge at this point:

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"You know, I would be the happiest man alive if I never had to hear your mom squeal like that again."

But then he exposes his new sensitive nature to the rest of the guys and Serena introduces him to the Scouts as their future king. There goes the last nail in the poor bastard's coffin.

But wait! There's more!

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"Pretty much every guy in this room is taken. Sorry girls." She stopped to think for a second. "Well..there is Picollo."

"He's..um..taken." Trista spoke up for the first time since they had arrived at the tiny island. She blushed furiously and bowed her head to avoid their looks of surprise.

It turns out that "Picollo" and Sailorpluto have been secret lovers for years. I have no idea why this little subplot had to be trotted out for one scene and then forgotten about. It's just sort of there, like the boy who turns into a cat for absolutely no reason in Rock-A-Doodle.

Anyway, Serena spends the first part of that evening at a slumber party with her Scouts and the last part in bed with her lover. The next day, all of the Z Warriors show up, drawn by a huge ki buildup. Serena, the only one who knows what they're about to face (except the reader, who's been given foreshadowing I couldn't be bothered to quote), leads the combined teams out of the city to meet Thin-Lipped Darien's strongest lieutenant . . . Rei.

Even Serena is shocked when it turns out that Rei is possessed by her old enemy Beryl. Naturally, Princess Serenity must manifest in order to destroy Beryl and free Rei; she is assisted by her King, who channels the power of love and Super Saiyan ki through Serenity's crystal. (Barf bags, I repeat, are in the seat pocket in front of you.) Then Serena sends the Scouts home until it's time for her to rule her "Kingdome."

Vegeta and Serena have their lavender and white wedding, in which "feminine touches were everywhere," right away; a week after that, Rini has to go back to the future because she's in utero in the present.

Nine months later, during a classic warm and fuzzy bonding time in the labor room at the hospital, we find out that Vegeta's assimilation into the Ken Doll Collective is complete. Serena's pet name for her adoring husband is "Veggie." And Veggie likes it.

Stick a fork in me; I'm done.

I must admit, from the title, I was expecting Horatio/Hamlet slash.....


That said, this snark amuses me.

No, just no. I dont know WHAT to say to this. But nice job on the snark.

As much as I enjoyed reading Jenny's snark, I feel the need to mention that necroposts are usually bad form.

Sorry, I kind of realized i had necroposted a bit late x.x