Megamind the vampire slayer - NSFW

Wow, so this took me a while. Welp, anyway, hey, guys, S'up? I'm Detarrevo because original, and I bring you amazing tales of giant blue heads and bloodsucking demons!
I was planning on posting this thing about a billion years earlier but this fic would refuse to let me read it. The only other piece of material who made me quit 20-some pages in was Twilight itself! Or maybe I just don't know what good is and am blowing this thing WAY out of proportion. Apologizing in advance for the English fails, it's not my first language. Or second, for that matter.

So, anyone remember that one movie about that one blue alien guy with a giant head who's duped by the bastard child of The Crimson Chin and Superman into being a villain because he wanted the entire city to kiss his boots all the way to hell, but then got bored so he decided to frame said blue alien for murder? Yeah, I love that movie. So naturally, like any masochistic moron, I went around looking for fanfics/fanart of it. Because why the hell not, right? It's not like people would write AU stories where Megamind hunts vampires, right?

Behold, Uh... This thing! ...That's apparently 31 chapters long. Yeah, there's pizza and cake for everyone here, guys. Getcher plates an' help yourselves.

WARNINGS: The chapters are a bit on the long side. I'll try my best to not make the post TL;DR.
                  I'm tagging it as NSFW because it's rated M.

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The street was abandoned, the pavement beneath her boots slick and wet from a brief shower earlier that hour. There was the smell of rain still thick in the air, a smell that Roxanne normally took great fondness in, but she was far too preoccupied to really take notice of something that brought her calm when her heart was beating so fast it felt like it was about to leap out of her chest and explode in the open air.

So we start with Roxanne Ritchi, Reporter Extraordinaire, too preoccupied with... something to smell the after-rain scent that she loves oh-so-much because her heart is trying to jump out of her chest and blow up or something, I don't know. Awkward phrasing is awkward.

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Tonight had been going so well, too.

Oh, no.

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She had just accomplished achieving a raise from work, moved up the corporate ladder, and as such she had felt it was a decent enough reason to head out and celebrate with friends. Family lived far too away, but the encouraging words from her mother and father over the telephone had brought her a strong sense of pride and achievement.

So off they had gone, she and a select few of her work mates... and one extra that she could have done without.

No, no, no, no, no.

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She had found herself dancing against some tall, able bodied man, who had smiled at her in a suave manner which made her cheeks flush. He was very handsome, with thick blond hair and clear blue eyes. What was his name? They didn't exchange them, but he seemed very keen on her the way he danced against her, and bought her a few drinks.

He's not gonna be a--

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Why was he so cold to touch though?

GODDAMMIT, AUTHOR! He's a fucking vampire! Of course he is! Because, you know, if there are vampires in a story and one or more main characters go to a goddamn bar, chances are one of the main characters WILL be picked up by one because the Megaverse is apparently just around the corner from the Buffyverse two blocks away from Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines and GODDAMMIT AUTHOR!

I'll give the author this, though: At the very least Roxanne's parents aren't complete assholes hell-bent on making her life hell because reasons I'm sure, which is more than I can say for some of the other fanfics I've read.

Mkay, let's backtrack a bit to Roxanne in the bar with her coworkers. And Hal, acting like a total douchenozzle because he's the only character written, you know, in-character.

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Despite Hal inviting himself, Roxanne had enjoyed herself. The bar they had chosen was fancy enough to get some really nice drinks but casual enough that they could dance on a dance floor set up not too far from the bar. It wasn't overly packed at first, but as the night wore on more people began to filter in after a hard working week.

Yes, author. Thank you for telling me they're dancing on a dance floor and not on the goddamn dance walls set up near the bar. I really needed that.

So, Roxanne is picked up by a "tall able-bodied man" because SOMEONE has to play the damsel and Hal had already left, then he drags her to an alleyway and we get this:

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His hands gripped at her back, and her rear, which made her heartbeat quickly within her chest. It almost felt as though this encouraged him since he began to knead his hands against her body, pulling her in close as he kissed her full on the mouth. It was a brief affair, however, since he began to kiss down her chin to her neck.

And there we have it, people. The whole reason the fic was written. Make-out scenes. Badly-written make-out scenes. After the badly-written make-out scene, our vampire decides to move the plot along by killing Roxanne and sparing her the badfic

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Red eyes had replaced blue ones, and his skin had turned a sickening pale that she only managed to pick up since he had stumbled backwards into a street light. Then his mouth opened, revealing his teeth had become sharp and pointed at some point, and hissed at her like an animal

”At some point”. Really. Wow. Just... I haven't dealt with this amount of lazy since... well, this morning in class.

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Roxanne cried out as she tripped and fell, but not so much as when she rolled over to see the once handsome man practically leaping onto her. She screamed, shut her eyes, and turned her head away to block the inevitable pain she was no doubt about to endure.

Little-known fact: if you turn your head away you automatically deactivate all of your nerve endings, thus not feeling pain for as long as you keep your head turned. Also, thank you for letting me know the vampire guy was handsome at some point. I'm sure it's very important to the plot.

Then Megamind jumps in and kicks the guy in the teeth or something.

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"You dare!" snarled the fallen adversary, getting to his feet and she could see where he had been struck on his jaw. "You dare get between a man and his meal?"

"Oh I dare all right," replied her savoir, readying his fists as if he was about to enter a bout of fisty-cuffs. "And if she's your meal, then you have terrible table manners!" he added boldly.

Yeah... What? I... what? I know this is from the movie that gave us the Microwave of Evil (heheh), but what? Terrible table manners? Because he's gonna munch on Ms. Ritchi in the middle of the streets? ...Funny?

After a terribly writtenSUPER AWESOME BADASS fight scene:

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One grow later the attacker had leapt at him, one arm swinging to either claw or punch him. But that arm was grabbed, and his attack was turned back on him, and he was driven down to the ground

And Roxanne's danger radar being completely screwed up:

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The man on the floor was pale as a ghost, his eyes red and no iris' to speak of. His hair had become white too, and his skin was taunt and ugly to behold [...] Those jaws were open in a savage snarl, his teeth protruding, sharp and pointed. But the one standing above him is what gave Roxanne even more reason to be alarmed. His skin was blue as the day sky, eyes a fierce green that pierced the darkness, and his head was swollen in size

"I know the guy I was making out with now looks like a cross between Steve Martin and a tiger shark AND tried to eat me while the other guy literally kicked Steve Martinshark off me but the other guy has BLUE SKIN, man! That's just FREAKY!"

-Anyway, the fact that vampires exist is revealed:

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"Vampire? Yes." replied the man was he walked over to her and squatted before her, placing his gloved hands to his knees. "And yes, Vampires exist. No they don't sparkle. No they can't go out in the sunlight. Yes they can walk into Churches. No, they do cast a reflection.

So... Less Buffy more Vampire the Masquerade. Why introduce vampires in Megamind, again? Why make Megs a hunter? I guess I have to thank whatever gods are fashionable at the moment that at least HE'S not a vampire. Yet.

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They can be very hard to spot, and you have to know what you're looking for unless you want to steak a normal person and that is a no-no." he gestured to himself. "For one you get blood everywhere, and getting blood out of your clothing is not as easy as you'd think it is!"

Yay! Goffic!Megamind coming to steak you all! I want mine medium-rare, mind ye. Also, note how the fic's title is "Stakes and Leather" not "Steaks and Leather". This can only mean the author did that on purpose.

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She struggled to get to her feet and hissed when she realized she had sprained her ankle.

Of course she did. And I'm seriously considering stealing the cliché counter.

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That's when a black car pulled up besides them on the road, and the back door was opened from within. "Well hello good looking," said a voice from the front seat. "Need a lift?"
[...]
"Yes! Oh Minion, thank you, you fantastic fish you!"

...HAY LET'S LIFT DIALOGUE DIRECTLY FROM THE MOVIE THAT WILL MAKE IT MEGAMIND, RIGHT?

Megamind offers Roxanne a ride home and she passes out because that's what damsels in distress do. And then he suddenly realizes that OMG IT'S ROXANNE RITCHI IN HIS CAR OMG OMG OMG!! You don't believe me? Here:

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"I don't-hey! This is Roxanne Ritchi!" Megamind declared. "OH my gosh I didn't even realize it was her!"[...] "Well of course, naturally, but come on now! She's only the greatest on the spot reporter for Channel 8! And I hear tell she's being allotted more time on screen, maybe that's why she was out tonight?" Megamind was mostly talking to himself now as he watched the brunette doze in the back seat of his car. "I never thought I'd have a celebrity in my car..."

So Minion suggests they wipe her memory because

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"What if she starts... alerting people to our existence? It would undo all that we've worked for." Minion said as he checked where he was on his navigational GPS on the dashboard. "The last thing you want is getting a swollen head. No pun intended, Sir."

"Hey, guys! You'll never believe what happened to me last night! I went to a bar to celebrate my promotion and I met this guy, right? We drank, danced and he dragged me to an alley to make out! And then suddenly he turned into a vampire! But that's not even the best part, 'cause then this blue skinny guy with a giant head who I may or may not have fallen in wub at first sight with appeared out of nowhere and made him explode by stabbing him in the chest with a wooden stake! We should totally write a piece on that! ...What do you mean 'I'm fired'?!"

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"Well she is an anchor, Sir. No doubt her salary doubles, if not triples our own." Minion said as, he too, peered up at the building.

Wait. They get paid for it? Wat? To be fair, a company dedicated to vampire extermination with rankings, promotions, steady salaries and everything being a company entails does sound like an interesting read. Unless it's, you know, this. Guess the only way it could be worse is if it was a massive DW crossover.
"Po, Susan, Megamind, Hiccup and Jack Frost join forces to fight vampire nazi demon zombies! Hijinks and romance ensue! PoxJack FrostxHiccup, MinionxGingerbread man, MegamindxEveryone because apparently he's a manwhore. Please r/r!!1one"

Where was I? oh, yeah! Vampires exist, explode when staked and Vampire Hunter M. Right.
So, anyway, Buffymind and Minion take Roxanne home...

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Megamind knew he should have sprayed her as he was setting her down on the chair. It was common practice, after you save somebody you give them a little dose of the forget-me-spray and they would continue to live their lives safe in the knowledge that vampires were a thing of fancy and that blue skinned aliens dressed in leather didn't go running around the city killing any and all of them that dare show their fangs. Yet as he set her on the chair, and casually brushed some of her hair out of her face, he missed his chance.

...Where Megamind, being the super ultra mega awesome vampire hunter he is, completely breaks his own rules...

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"So?" Minion asked, as Megamind climbed into the passenger seat and turned off his disguise generator.

"Hm?" Megamind asked, pulling on a seat belt.

"Did you do it?" Minion asked, looking at his boss.

"Oh yes, yes." Megamind replied with a wave of his hand, "All done."

And lies through his teeth to his best friend because of plot convenience. Truly, he's the best.

And so our chapter ends with Megamind and Minion going back to Sunnydaletheir lair to plan how to defeat Metro Mahn and take over Metrosity-- Wait, no. I'm sorry. I was under the delusion that this had anything to do with Megamind.
So, the first chapter doesn't seem that bad, now does it? It's mediocre in execution, the fight scenes are incompetent at best, Roxanne is a textbook DID and Megamind seems to have left his brain somewhere on his nightstand. Why, then, did I pick it up, you ask? Because it gets better (worse?). We get Werewolf!Bernard, Metroman being useless when he gets all of the powers and cliché #3776: "my mentor is a vampire!"

Honestly, I couldn't get past chapter 8, then again I may just be exaggerating the hell out of this and this fanfic is actually not that bad. I shall leave it to your judgment.

Welcome to WGW.   

This post is brought to you by the letters W,T, and F-- as in "WTF was the author of that Megamind-as-vampire story thinking?! Or smoking?"

Chris91 wrote:

Welcome to WGW.   

This post is brought to you by the letters W,T, and F-- as in "WTF was the author of that Megamind-as-vampire story thinking?! Or smoking?"

Aw, thanks! =D

If I had to guess, I'd go with one of these:

Scenario 1: "Megamind is hot and wears leather, vampire hunters are hot and wear leather! Megamind NEEDS to be a vampire hunter!"
Scenario 2: "I just discovered Buffy/V:TM/Tru Blood and I need to write a Megamind vampire fic!"
Scenario 3: "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHR MAKEOUTS"

My money is on 3.

Maybe it's all three simultaneously.

And I'm back, I guess. Let's do this!

Previously on Megamind the Vampire Slayer, every vampire cliché you can think of decided to just tour the Megamind universe because… I guess they were bored.

We start with Megamind and Minion on a stake-out, the place they were lurking around in being described as “romantic” because the author really likes assigning random unimportant qualities to places. Anyway, Megs and the Minion are stalking the place for…

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Megamind and Minion were not here to take in the beauty of the greenery, but the hunting of a vampire that Megamind had been tailing for the past few weeks. Seemed as though the vampire was 'playing with his food' since he had selected a teenage girl as his meal but made it so she was infatuated with him, willing to turn her back on her friends and family to be with him forever, and ever.

…
A Twilight parody.  YES OF COURSE.

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The vampire in question was, to be honest, quite handsome. He had a firm chiseled jaw, clear blue eyes, wavy brown hair and his skin was a nice creamy color that would remind one of milk. Forgetting the fact he was a blood thirsty murdering sociopath almost made him seem the type of guy any woman, or gay man, would be happy to fall into the arms of.

Did  I write “parody”? How silly, I meant “direct rip-off”. I guess the joke here is he gets killed by the blue-alien with the lightbulb head. Hilarious.
After we establish Minion as a fussy mom, we get…

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"There's some things I've noticed about you... you're incredibly strong, you don't like being out in the sun, and your skin..." she placed her hand gently over his own for a moment. "It's always so cold, no matter what the weather is like..."

More Twilight parody. Whoo.
No, really. Stop it.

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"Go on. You can say." Edwin urged.

"I think you're a..." Belle paused, seemingly for effect combined with her fear, "...a-"

"Vampire?" the third voice broke the silence and romantic scene as the two turned quickly to see somebody else standing there with them in a black trench coat, huge boots, and a hat over his head. "Yeah, pretty much. You might want to back away from him now, unless you want your blood drained from your neck."

No, go back to the Twilight parody! Go back to the Twilight parody! Or get someone to write witty banter for you, author. And Megamind in a hat =/= intimidating. Seriously. Also, stop trying to use Megamind’s foot size to try and hint at the fact that he has a huge dick. Megs’ feet are tiny.

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"I'm going to feast on your blood!"

”And then I’ll hide my face behind my cape and go ‘bleh!’” Just… stop it with the “witty” banter. Please?

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"N-no, no...!" Belle cried out from where she had been thrown by Edwin, "Please I-I..." her mind, clouded with wanton longing for the handsome boy from her science class suddenly began to unclog itself like a sink. That couldn't be him, could it? Snarling, ugly, and violent? Was he doing it to defend herself or had he really been going to feast on her? How had she allowed herself to fall like that? The realization that her boyfriend was a blood thirsty vampire caused her to scream in horror, but not nearly as much when the vampire ended up being thrown almost on top of her.

Because who cares about keeping the civvies safe? No! Let’s just throw a bloodthirsty monster hell-bent on eating the innocent girl AT HER! Truly, he’s the best! Also, I forgot to mention, “Edwin” and “Belle”. FUNNY!!

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"Minion retrieve the hysterical woman!" Megamind ordered and the next thing Belle knew hands were on her shoulders and she was being pulled away from the fight.

YES, have the SENTIENT ALIEN PIRANHA-LOOKING FISH IN A ROBOT-GORILLA SUIT retrieve the hysterical woman! That won’t make things worse in any way, shape or form! DID I MENTION HE’S THE BEST?

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"Say hi to your family for me, and let them know more of you will be joining them." Megamind whispered before Edwin suddenly became nothing but ash, clouding Megamind and the ground in his remains. "Oh GAUGH NOT AGAIN!" he screamed as he rolled to his feet, waving his hands at himself as he tried to get the ash off of his clothes and most importantly out of his mouth where a lot of ash had fallen. "Oh blargh he tastes of chalk and lint!" he shuddered, spitting on the floor.

Little-known fact: waving your hands at yourself is the best way to remove ash from your clothes and mouth. Also, might be nitpicking but “suddenly” makes it sound as if the vampire decided to up and turn into dust of his own volition.

Notdward: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! **poofs itself into ash**
Amazed author didn’t make the ashes sparkle, though.

ANYWAY, Megamind and Minion tell Bella that her vampire boyfriend found out he’s gay and broke up with her because EDWARD IS GAY U GUIZE HILARIOUS!

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Belle eventually came to, and shook her head before touching a hand to her forehead. Edwin was gay? Oh god, she'd turned a guy gay...! She felt horrible, and she needed her mother to hug her. Quickly she got to her feet and ran off, oblivious to the fact she just ran through the remains of her boyfriend as she did.

Unfortunately she remembered she was a poorly-disguised Bella parody which means her mom is a complete moron who can barely function on her own. Oops.

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Crash landing in a prison with Minion had meant the start of his life was within those barred walls, but it wasn't long until a man had taken him away from all of that and had introduced him to the sacred position as vampire slayer.

Since then, he and Minion, had been raised and trained in the art of locating, and destroying, the blood suckers.

Why? I get why Vampire Hunter Dude would get Metro Man, he’d be a huge asset o the fight against vampires but why Megamind? What made this man look at Megamind and say “YES! This top-heavy frail-looking skinny blue alien would be A GREAT ADDITION to the army fighting the undead bloodsuckers!”?

Because we need to be reminded that Megamind is THE BEST, Minion once again asks if he really really sprayed Ms. Ritchi with the forget-me spray for realsy reals. Buffymind, being Buffymind, lies through his teeth. The "tension" lasts all of five seconds because Minion can tell when he lies, not like it's hard:

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"Sir... you know I don't like it when you lie to me." Minion said.

Megamind groaned. "Don't guilt trip me, Minion."

Because Megamind apparently doesn't use his goddamn brain for anything other than thinking up non-witty retorts\

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"It can't be a guilt trip if you sprayed her, so since it is a guilt trip to you it's obvious now you didn't!" Minion suddenly jerked the car to a park on the side of the road and turned in his seat to look at his friend. "You know how dangerous it is leaving people un-wiped, Sir! They begin to freak out, and what if they spread the news about us? Why, you saw what happened in history didn't you?"

Refer to my previous tirade of Roxanne deciding to tell someone that A BLUE MAN WITH A GIANT HEAD AND A SENTIENT ALIEN FISH IN A ROBOT-GORILLA SUIT FIGHT VAMPIRES.
Don't get me wrong, I understand trying to uphold the masquerade but there's a HUGE difference between multiple accounts of people turning into monsters and eviscerating other people in darkened alleys-- which don't seem to exist in this universe for some reason- and ONE PERSON allegedly seeing one guy turn into a monster and try to eat them after drinking the gods know how much, which, for all they know, at least one of the drinks coulda been tampered with! And I don't see Roxanne Ritchi risking her career for something that she could have very well been a side-effect of a spiked drink. Oh, wait, who am I kidding? This isn't Roxanne Ritchi. This is Roxanne after a severe concussion and probably permanent brain damage.

Megamind and Minion get into a brief discussion about upholding the masquerade,

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 "You have to wipe her memory, Sir. It's only right." the fish said, "What would Father say?"

Megamind sat there in his seat, and groaned as he shut his eyes. "I know. I know." he mumbled before opening his eyes. "I'll go see her. Once we have the time but we can't wait too long, what would it do to her mind to loose an entire week or more of her life?" he asked, looking to Minion.

"Good point. Our top priority, after dealing with the next problem, is go see Miss. Ritchi. Deal?" Minion asked.

"Deal." Megamind sighed.

Okay, so Megamind has agreed to erase Roxanne's memory. Again. Let's see how long it lasts. But wait! We get a reason for Megs not following protocol!

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Maybe he was lonely in the world. Even with Minion as his best friend, it would be nice to have somebody know about the world he lived in, who he could talk to about. It didn't help matters that he thought Roxanne Ritchi was the most beautiful woman on the planet either. How would she know that an alien vampire slayer sat up at five pm every week day to watch her report on the day's news like he did? She'd chalk him up as a creeper or something like that. He was already an alien; he didn't need to be called a 'creeper' too.

Oh, he wants to bone her! That excuses EVERYTHING!

I'm calling it now: Alien Vampire Slayer is the next Syfy Feature Film.

While Megamind is pondering how to best stalk and kidnap Roxanne for his next eeeeeeeevil plan best approach this stealth-spraying of Roxanne, they arrive at their destination:

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"Ah one of those places." Megamind mumbled as he adjusted his watch that changed his appearance into a Goth looking young man. "Let me guess, it's going to be full of vampire wanna bees cutting themselves and drinking each others blood?" he asked.

"Yes." Minion said.

"All pale, dressed in black with multiple piercings who would no doubt be throwing themselves in front of me to stop me from getting to their 'Queen'?" Megamind added, looking out the window at the shadowy door that would lead down to an underground club full of Goths.

A goth club. Of course. Because vampire stories HAVE to have goths in there somewhere, right?

And so our chapter ends with the most cliché lines of them all:

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"Bring it." Megamind said.

I hope you've enjoyed Walking in Circles and Terrible Banters.

See you next chapter.

OWowowowowow....

Good god, this fic is just predictable, unintentionally hilarious and plain boring. How many reviews and favs, etc. does it have on the Pit? Decent snark by the way.