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 Garfield: Maximum Speed

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Join date : 2010-05-20

PostSubject: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Sun Mar 17, 2013 1:35 pm

If anyone kept up with ToplessRobot’s Fanfiction Friday while it was still running, you’re probably familiar with ShakespeareHemingway and his Garfield fanfics, in which rather than a lazy, snarky orange cat, Garfield is some sort of unholy combination of Goku and Chuck Norris, and rather than complaining about Mondays engages in all sorts of bizarre adventures while sleeping with every beautiful woman he comes across (brain bleach available at the end of the sporking). This fic is his very first Garfield story, and while not quite as insane as they’ll get later, it’s still made of sheer unadulterated “what” with a side of awesome. And yes, he’s probably a troll (at least, I can’t imagine how any human being could arrive at this premise seriously) but I find I don’t care. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Garfield: Maximum Speed

It was a bright morning filled with misty joy, when Garfield awoke from slumber.

"I am Hungry." Garfield thought with hungerous glee. "I must have food or my stomach will rebel."

If your stomach (or any other part of your body) is about to rebel, I think you have much, much bigger things to worry about than eating.

Jon Arbuckle was cleaning his dishes and Odie was busy practicing his fencing.

I love how nonchalant this story is about a dog practicing fencing. It’s the first sign of the utter insanity to come.

"Good morning, Garfield, did you hear? Lasagna Palace has opened!"

"Lasagna Palace? What is this Tom Foolery?!" Roared Garfield.

I’d have thought Garfield would be the *first* to know when a place called “Lasagna Palace” was going to open. Just saying.

"Check the TV, there the truth will be revealed." Responded Jon Arbuckle.

Garfield looked at the television and saw a beautiful commercial.

"Lasagna Palace, where all of your Lasagna fantasies will become reality."

"I will go to this palace, and find my lasagna." Said Garfield.

Be careful Garfield, for I sense dangerous peril." Said Jon Arbuckle.

And then Jon was a Jedi.

"I am always careful." Responded Garfield as he walked out the door.

Garfield walked down the street whistling his sweet music when a bus passed him on the road. Upon seeing the bus Garfield thought to himself. "What strangeness."

Because a bus driving down a road is such a strange sight, after all- oh, wait…[/b

]All of a sudden Garfield's cell phone leaped to life with a thrilling shriek.

[b]Why does Garfield have a cell phone? Where would a cat even *keep* a cell phone? Does ShakespeareHemingway even know what a cat *is*?

"Who is this?!" Garfield sternly demanded.

"I am Howard Payne, the Lasagna Bomber!" Responded an EVIL voice.

Of all possible supervillain aliases, why “Lasagna Bomber”? Especially when your crimes have nothing to do with lasagna? I mean, we can’t all be Dr. Doom or the Joker, but still…

"Pop quiz Garfield, What do you do when there is a bomb on a bus filled with innocents?!"

"What madness is this?!" Garfield bombasted.

"There is a bomb on that bus that just passed you, and if the bus goes under maximum speed, it will explode!!" Shouted the vile voice.

"Oh No! I am the only one who can save them!"

Garfield rushed to the bus and flung himself in.

"Who are you acrobatic cat?" Bellowed the bus driver.

Acrobatic is… not the first word that comes to mind when I think of Garfield. In fact, it’s near the bottom of the list.

"I am Garfield and there is a bomb on this bus, you must drive at maximum speed."

But, if he wasn’t driving at maximum speed already, then wouldn’t the bomb have already exploded?

Upon seeing Garfield, a shifty man stood up and pointed a gun at Garfield.

"You will not take me Garfield! I am not going to prison, if you do not believe me then look at the point of my gun for it is not a liar." Said the man with great haste.

It’s nice to know that the man’s gun is honest and forthright. Unfortunately, that doesn’t explain why he thinks Garfield- an overweight, lazy, snarky housecat- has any authority to arrest him whatsoever.

"Relax man, I am not here for you, whatever you did I am sure you are sorry. Here I am not a cat, we are just two cool dudes on a bus." Responded Garfield in a cooley chill voice.

So apparently being a cat and being on a bus are mutually exclusive. Good to know!

The man seemed to relax but then a stupid man in football suit tried to tackle him causing him to fire at the driver who was hurt. Garfield kicked away the man's gun with furious speed.

"Stay there, crime rat." Scolded Garfield.

What about the football guy? He was the one who caused the gun to go off, if I’m reading this scene right?

Garfield rushed to the driver who was hurt bad.

"My friend, your sacrifice will not be in vain, I will eat you, and your strength will be mine own." Said Garfield tenderly to the driver. And so Garfield ate the driver.

Wow. And you’ll notice it never said the driver died, just that he was hurt, nor did he ever actually agree to allow Garfield to eat him. So Garfield just ate a man alive, without his consent.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

"Who will now drive the bus?!" asked Garfield.

You know, if you didn’t just *eat the driver* you wouldn’t be having this problem.

A very pretty lady stood up.

"I will drive the bus!" She exclaimed.

"Ok get your rear into gear and get over here!" Shouted Garfield.

"What must I do?" She asked.

"You must keep the bus at MAXIMUM SPEED to avoid certain detonation." Responded Garfield. They sped along the highway at maximum speed but all was not well.

"This is too fast, if we keep going at this speed, the passengers will get sea sick!" The young woman said concernedly.

… I don’t think seasickness works like that.

"That is a risk I am willing to take." Responded Garfield with stern determination.

A few miles ahead, Garfield saw that the road ended in a dead end right off a freeway.

"Oh no if we keep going there will be certain doom!" Said the woman.

"I know but what choice do we have?" responded Garfield.

You could, I don’t know, try to find and get rid of the bomb?

It was then in the distance that they saw a figure. It was none other than Jon Arbuckle.

Jon Arbuckles eyes flashed with the fury of the owl.

That line is beautiful. I have no idea what it means, but it’s beautiful.

Jon Arbuckle bent his knees and put his hands to the side while beginning to mutter some words.

Is… is Jon about to use the Kamehameha?

energy was building in Jon Arbuckle's hands as he said the words.

I think he *is*!

"AMAKOOOOO" a blast of energy shot forth from Jon Arbuckles hands and destroyed the bus killing everyone but Garfield who cast a barrier spell in time.

So Jon is a Dragonball Z martial artist, Garfield is some kind of wizard, and they’re apparently both sociopaths who made no effort at all to protect anyone else on the bus. Lovely.

"Garfield I have been looking all over for you thank goodness you are alright." Exclaimed Jon Arbuckle.

Too bad about everyone else on the bus, but eh, who cares about nameless extras anyway?

"Yes but I will have vengeance on the Lasagna bomber, and avenge those innocent passengers." Said Garfield.

Garfield shook his fist at the sun. "I WILL AVENGE YOU!!"

If only you’d applied this same level of passion to save them in the first place…

Garfield and Jon Arbuckle walked into the Lasagna Palace with renewed determination.

YOU WILL BE AVENGED! But first… we eat.

To be continued…

Oh yes, and while most of ShakespeareHemingway’s Garfield adventures are one shots, this one is split into three chapters. I hope to have the next installment up later this week.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:57 pm


So . . . looking at this list of fics, it seems the author has shoved Garfield in Name Only into just about everything he's read, watched, or been aware of.

While it's possible to cross Garfield over with some things (I'd love for him to take a vacation and meet that weird talking sponge, for instance), Speed is not one of them.

Quote :
]All of a sudden Garfield's cell phone leaped to life with a thrilling shriek.

[b]Why does Garfield have a cell phone? Where would a cat even *keep* a cell phone? Does ShakespeareHemingway even know what a cat *is*?

Actually, that may be the one thing in this fic that makes sense. How else would he call for takeout?

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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Sun Mar 17, 2013 6:15 pm

TRFFF, how I miss you. Sadly, the new place won't let Rob do snarks anymore. Are you going to do all of this guy's crazy adventures starring Garfield or just this one? They're so insane.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Sun Mar 17, 2013 7:05 pm

I think I snarked one of this guy's works. In fact, my sig line is a quote from a Garfield fanfic similar to this. Yet my snark pales in comparison with yours. I now bow out and let the master work.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Sun Mar 17, 2013 7:35 pm

Yeah, I read that one too. That was one of his craziest yet; I never lol'd so hard.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Mon Mar 18, 2013 8:36 am

Note: As EileenK98 mentioned, ShakespeareHemingway has written rather a lot of these, each one more ridiculous than the last. I intend to finish this one and will most likely do “Garfield: King of Liberty” as well. I may do others, but I won’t do “Royal Rescue”, its sequel, or “The King’s Garfield”, which were already snarked by a true master on ToplessRobot (the two “Royal Rescue” stories have also been featured here as well).

When we left Garfield and Jon, they had just failed to prevent (or even make real effort to prevent) the death of a bus full of innocents at the hands of the ridiculously named “Lasagna Bomber”. Now, the story heads into even stranger waters as Garfield becomes ever more over-powered, the Lasagna Bomber is revealed… and there’s a totally random Harry Potter crossover? Without further ado:

Garfield Part 2: The Magic Portal

Garfield and Jon Arbuckle entered the Lasagna Palace after their tango with the Lasagna bomber. There they saw glorius things. They saw Lasagna covered in gold silver and even brass, it was a delicious site indeed.

… Not really, seeing as lasagna plated in gold would be completely inedible. Gold-plated food really falls squarely into the “awesome but impractical” category.

"Garfield look at this isnt it incredible?" Asked Jon Arbuckle.

It would be even more incredible if we could actually eat any of this, but hey.

"Yes but I need to find the counter and order before I revolt from hunger." Said Garfield.

Garfield spotted the counter and approached, but to his startlement he recognized who was behind it!


How does he know this? He only heard the guy’s voice over his cell-phone and has no idea what he looks like. Is Garfield psychic now on top of everything else?

"What?!? How could you be alive?!?!" Said the Lasagna bomber, as he fled with a jogging motion.

Really, ShakespeareHemingway? Was “he ran away” too hard to write?

"Why is the Lasagna bomber here?!' Demanded Jon Arbuckle.

"It is obvious he was planning to destroy the statue of liberty with Lasagna hellfire!" Responded Garfield.

That’s… quite an impressive leap of logic there, Garfield.

"Quickly, we must follow him!" Said Garfield, following the Lasagna bomber to a back room. In the room Garfield saw the Lasagna bomber leap into a portal.

"We must follow him into the unknown land!" said Garfield, as he leaped into the portal.

"I am in your tail!" shouted Jon Arbuckle.

That sounds uncomfortable.

Out of the portal the Garfield and Jon Arbuckle arrived in front of a large building surrounded by trees.

In front of the building they saw three young youths.

Paging the Department of Redundancy Department.

"What is this place you loiterers?!" Asked Garfield with righteous fury.

Garfield, you have no idea where you are. What makes you think these people are loiterers?

" This is Hogwarts. I am Harry Potter answered a bespeckled youth, and these are my friends Hermione and Ron. We have been expecting you Garfield."

Did Harry just describe *himself* as a bespectacled (or rather “bespeckled”) youth? And how on Earth did they know to expect Garfield? How do they even know who Garfield *is*?

Of course, in ShakespeareHemingway fics, *everybody* seems to know who Garfield is…

"Of course" answered Garfield. "The Lasagna Bomber must have came here to force himself on Voldemort so that they can conspire for the purposes of evil."

“Force himself?”That makes it sound like he’s going to rape Voldemort into being on his side. Okay, 1. Voldemort isn’t going to be giving some random muggle with a stupid gimmick the time of day, much less work with him, and has more than enough power to register his objection lethally if the guy tried to force him, and 2. *squick*.

"Yes." Answered Harry Potter, "You must come into Hogwarts and study magic so you can battle them."

So I guess that protective spell you cast last chapter doesn’t count as “magic”, then, Garfield?

They entered Hogwarts and wandered its halls when Hermione spoke to Garfield.

"Garfield you are ruggedly handsome, will you not be my boyfriend?"

Ruggedly handsome… Hermione, he’s a *cat*. A lazy, gluttonous *cat*. I think you might want to go to the Hospital Wing and have Madam Pomfrey take a look at you- someone’s *clearly* put you under a Confundus Charm.

"Sorry, pussylips." Answered Garfield. "My only love is fighting and adventure."

As they trespassed the halls a young man with blonde hair approached them.

"haHA Garfield! I am Draco Malfoy, and I will not let you pass! I will defeat you in the name of the darkness!"

Okay, what does Draco have against Garfield? Did Voldemort and *sigh* the Lasagna Bomber put him up to this? And canonically, Draco’s a coward- he’d be more likely to let Crabbe and Goyle beat Garfield up while smirking nastily from the sidelines.

"Alright kid lets throw it down!" Responded Garfield.

They fought with blinding fury, exchanging blows like pumas in the jungle. Draco Malfoy used his double kick technique but Garfield countered with a shoryuken he learned from Ryu.

… I have no words. Really, what can you *add* to that?

"Agaga!" Cried out Draco Malfoy.

"You are beaten!" Said Garfield

"I not think!" Said Draco Malfoy has he threw a lightning shock into Garfields eyes like a dirty trickster.

Last chapter Jon was a Jedi. This chapter, Draco appears to have been taking syntax lessons from Yoda and dark side lessons from Darth Sidious.

… Where *is* Jon (and Harry, Ron, and Hermione) while all this is going on, by the way?

"My eyes you rodent!!" Shouted Garfield as he fell on the ground.

"Now you are the one who is beat!" Said Draco as he stood over Garfield.

"No fool I hope you did not eat dinner yet for it is time for a meal of lead!" Said Garfield as Garfield fired into Draco Malfoys chest with his left leg which was also a shotgun. The shot went through Draco Malfoy and set him dead.

Garfield’s leg is a shotgun and he just killed Draco Malfoy with it. Wow. Just… just wow.

"Garfield I did not know your left leg was a shotgun." Said Jon Arbuckle.

"Yes, I had it replaced during World War I." Responded Garfield.

"But Garfield that was a long time ago." Said Jon Arbuckle.

"No, this one was in the future." Responded Garfield.

*Brain breaks*

"Come Garfield, we must teach you magic." Said Harry Potter.

"No." Said Garfield. "Magic is for women and impotents."

You seemed fine with learning it earlier. Nice sexism (and whatever you call prejudice against the impotent) by the way.

Than what will you do Garfield?" Asked Harry Potter.

"I will train like a man and get super strength." Responded Garfield. "I will have to train in TIMES ZERO gravity.

"TIMES ZERO GRAVITY?!" Everyone responded in unison.


"You are a mad cat, you will surely be crushed by such intense force." Said Jon Arbuckle.

Jon clearly has no idea of what “times zero gravity” would actually be. Plainly, Garfield keeps him around just so he can impress him with nonsensical boasting.

"No, I am made of iron muscle now I will go into my gravity machine for training, do not disturb me." Said Garfield with fighting spirit.

"What a man." Thought Hermione.

Hermione, I wasn’t kidding about the Hospital Wing, you know.

Garfield entered his gravity chamber and prepared to train for the final combat.

To be continued…

And on that Dragonball Z-esque note, we conclude today’s installment of “Garfield: Maximum Speed”, whose title has nothing to do with anything past the first chapter.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Mon Mar 18, 2013 10:21 pm

It's kind of like if a Garfield movie was about as detached from the original content as the Felix the Cat Movie.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:02 am

Yeah, this Garfield is pretty much an action hero pastiche compressed into the form of an orange-and-black striped cat. About the only thing he has in common with the actual Garfield is a love of lasagna. If it had been under any other circumstances this character would have just been a generic Gary Stu, but since it's Garfield the cat there's just something uniquely... special about the whole thing.

Here we have the final installment of “Garfield: Maximum Speed”, in which… why am I even bothering to summarize this? It’s everything in the first two chapters, only if possible even more ridiculous. It’s time for a Not-so-Grand (but certainly entertaining) finale, in:

Garfield part 3: Beyond Thunderdome!

Garfield was almost done training in his gravity machine doing his one handed pushups and pull ups at the same time. For his final exercise he lifted a dumbbell that weighted 1000 gigatons with one hand. After his refreshing workout he realized he had super strength and iron muscle.

Largely sedentary nerd here, but I really, *really* don’t think that’s how exercise works.

"I am now ready for supreme battle." He said to himself as he emerged out of his gravity machine. Outside he saw Jon Arbuckle, Harry Potter, and the others waiting.

"Your abs are as hard as ice." Said Jon Arbuckle with impressment.

Isn’t the customary phrasing “hard as steel”? Ice shatters… and melts…

"You are like Greek god, Garfield, you are Hercules." Said Harry Potter.

"Garfield you are so manly with testosterone." Said Hermione.

As you might have noticed, ShakespeareHemingway has something of a running theme of using Garfield for his sexual fantasies in these stories- except instead of fantasizing *about* Garfield, he uses Garfield as his proxy that all his female characters fantasize about. [/b

[b]]I’ve been following badfic of various stripes since the last Harry Potter book came out, and I’ve encountered more depraved or disturbing things, but this… this is just plain *weird*.

"Enough chit chat we have villainy to end. Come Jon Arbuckle." Said Garfield as he hopped into his red Corvette with custom lasagna license plate.

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? WAS IT JUST PARKED THERE AT HOGWARTS WAITING FOR THEM? This unique vehicle appears more than once in these stories, by the way.

"Garfield, we must come and help you!" Said Harry potter with concerned voice.

"Yes please let us help you." Said Hermione crying uncontrollably like a woman.

"No, this is mans work." Said Garfield with sterned rightness, because he knew he was right. Garfield than drove off with Jon Arbuckle with COOL music blaring and gave his fans a farewell thumbs up.

I’m not sure exactly when this takes place, but if it’s at any point after first year (and for my sanity I’m hoping it is) then I can say with certainty that Hermione has much more experience fighting the forces of evil than Garfield.

Wait, that would be than the actual Garfield. This is bizarro-Garfield. Carry on.

As Garfield drove, he and Jon and intimate talks of great emotion.

Garfield/Jon OTP?

"Garfield, you cannot spend your days fighting evil and questing for adventure, you must one day find a woman to cook and clean for you so you can settle down."

Ignoring the sexist assumptions of this for a moment, Jon Arbuckle is about the last person you’d want to take relationship advice from. He may be in a stable relationship with Liz now, but have you *read* the old comics where he tries to get a date?

"Jon Arbuckle the day I stop fighting will be the day I stop breathing. Evil has not stopped and neither do I." Said Garfield as he rubbed his most square jaw.

Garfield does not have a square jaw! And he loves nothing better than sleeping, eating, and on the occasions he’s doing neither, tormenting Odie and/or the mailman!

Why am I even bothering anymore?

As Garfield Jon Arbuckle sped at near Maximum Speed down the road they noticed they were being tailgated by two wizards riding motor cycle brooms.

Motor… cycle… brooms. I’m not sure if that’s awesome or hilariously stupid. I have a sneaking suspicion it might be both.

"Oh no Garfield! Voldemort must have sent them to foil our heroism!"

"The only thing they will foil is themselves, take wheel, Jon Arbuckle!" Exclaimed Garfield in exhilaration.

Garfield jumped on the roof of his very expensive red Corvette.

"This road is closes for construction!" Garfield shouted with heroism.

One of the biker wizards threw a Molotov cocktail at Garfields red corvette chipping some paint off.

Dude, you’re a wizard. Surely a Reductor curse is a more efficient way of blowing something up?

"That is coming out of your allowances!" Shouted Garfield as he shot the villain with his pocket machine gun sending him flying to doom.

Garfield’s nonsensical quips are another recurring feature of these stories. It’s as if ShakespeareHemingway knows that action heroes drop one-liners in battle, but has only vague idea of what a one-liner actually is.

I think that explains a lot, really.

As another wizard biker approached Garfield faced him with earnest.

Earnest what? An earnest expression? A guy *named* Earnest? Enquiring minds want to know!

"I am the federal department of motorcycles and your lifecense is been revoked!!" Declared Garfield as he dropped kicked the biker wizard into oblivion.

Garfield thought he had won the battle when he heard a loud helicopter sound. A wizard driving a helicopter had appeared.

… You guys have brooms. Your boss and at least one of his lieutenants can fly under their own power. Why do you need a helicopter? WHY *MasterGhandalf temporarily devolves into a mix of sobbing and maniacal laughter*

"Will this foolery not be ending?" Thought Garfield aloud to himself.

That’s what we all want to know.

Garfield leaped like grasshopper 500 hundred miles into the air to meet the helicopter.

I do believe Garfield just cleared orbit.

"I like my helicopters shaked not stirren." Said Garfield most cooley as he grabbed the helicopter and piledrived it into the ground.

Garfield returned to the drivers seat where he took helm.

"We have no lose time to spare. Lets put the pedal to the medal and go overdrive." Said Garfield fearlessly.

With those wise words, Garfield sped along to the lair of Voldemort and the Lasagna Bomber.

The Dark Lord Voldemort, Heir of Salazar Slytherin, and the Lasagna Bomber. One of these things is not like the other.

When Garfield and Jon Arbuckle came to the lair it was barricaded with do not enter signs and attack dogs and security guards, but it was little threat to them. They smashed their way through the steel barricades running over many evil henchmen.

Soon they entered the throne room where the lasagna bomber and voldemort were hatching evil plans.

"HAha Garfield! You are too late our plan is in the final step!" Said Voldemort.

"That is right Garfield, soon we will send lasagna bombs to the equator to destroy it killing the children with global warming!" Shouted the Lasagna Bomber outrageously.

That’s… that’s not how *anything* works…

"No, I will not let the children down they look up to me, the only equator that will be destroyed is you!" Said Garfield with justice.

" Garfield you are manly but are you manly enough to fight me alone?!" Said Voldemort.

"NO Garfield, he is using trickery!" Cried out Jon Arbuckle.

"Silence, I will fight him alone and teach him to question my manliness." Said Garfield.

“Avada Kedavra”, Voldemort said lazily, flicking his want. There was a flash of green light and the generic action hero who had stolen Garfield’s identity was no more. Voldemort then gave the Lasagna Bomber the same treatment, got very, *very* drunk so he could forget the whole thing, and when he sobered up went back to taking over the wizarding world. The end.

Voldemort cast ultima 4 at Garfield knocking him down and pinning him.

"You are pinned!" Said Voldemort.

Being Dark Lord gives one a keen grasp of the obvious.

"Enough of this womens fighting." Said Garfield as he channeled his inner energy. As Garfield channeled his muscles grew even bigger and his shirt ripped off.

Garfield just went Super Saiyan. *There’s* a sentence I’d have never thought I’d type.

"Now I am mean business!"Scowled Garfield.

Garfield than punched right through Voldemorts magic barriers and into his chest, pulling his heart out of his evil chest.

"I will give this to the sick child needing heart transplant." Said Garfield proudly as he held the heart.

"No! I am heart broken for the second time!" Said Voldemort as he fell down to his death.

… He was heartbroken before? The guy who never loved anyone or anything but himself, power, and possibly his pet snake? Really?

*Puts on Harry Potter nerd hat* Furthermore, Garfield didn’t destroy Voldie’s horcruxes. With them intact, the guy survived his body being completely disintegrated- I don’t think a little thing like having his heart ripped out would stop him. I’m assuming that he’s faking his death here so he can strike back at Garfield later when he least expects it *Potter nerd hat off*

… And yes, I’m rambling to avoid thinking about the fact that a character I’ve loved since childhood just ripped a man’s heart out with his bare hands (er, paws). However did you guess?

"It is your turn Lasagna Bomber! Time to pay the porpoise!" Said Garfield with roaring power.

… “Porpoise”?

"No Garfield it is your time to pay with dividends!" Said the Lasagna bomber as he pointed his rocket launcher at Garfields chest.

"One step close and you will be having heartburn!" Said the Lasagna bomber with wicked vengeance.

Garfield lunged forward with courage but was shot in the chest! Everyone was shocked and dismayed.

"NOOOOOOOOO." Said Jon Arbuckle in moaning agony.

“It’s not true! It’s impossible!” “Search your feelings, you *know* it to be true!”

"HAHA! I have won and you have lost!" Said the Lasagna bomber leeringly.

"No, villain it is you who as met the maker!" Said Garfield dramatically as he tore off his shirt to reveal a bullet proof vest!

A bullet proof vest… stopped a *rocket*? *Adds rockets to the lists of things ShakespeareHemingway clearly doesn’t understand*

"I will use the power of love and friendship to defeat you!" Said Garfield as he pulled out his magnum and shot the Lasagna bomber in half.

Because when I think “love and friendship” I think “firearms”!

"You may have won the battle but the war is just began!" Shouted the Lasagna bombers torso as it flew into space.

With Voldemort and the Lasagna bomber beaten, their lair destroyed with force of 10 nuclear bombs. Garfield and Jon Arbuckle rode away on the open sea, pondering futures.

Do I even *want* to know where Garfield got the equivalent of ten nuclear bombs?

"The day is saved Garfield." Said Jon Arbuckle, looking into the open sea as he rode his raft.

"Yes, but for how long?" Said Garfield as he rode his custom Harley Davidson motorcycle next to Jon Arbuckle.

And so we see that even in this universe of bizarro-badasses, Jon Arbuckle *still* looks like a loser next to his cat.

Wait, motorcycle? What happened to the car?

They both rode into the sunset, with comradery in their hearts and friendship in their minds.

The End??

The end of this story? Yes. The end of ShakespeareHemingway’s increasingly insane Garfield adventures? Hardly. That’s all for now, but I hope to do “Garfield: King of Liberty”, which takes history failure to such a level that we mere mortals can only weep in awe at the sight of it, sooner rather than later.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:32 am

Quote :
"I like my helicopters shaked not stirren." Said Garfield most cooley as he grabbed the helicopter and piledrived it into the ground.
This is the best fanfic ever written.
Quote :
"I will give this to the sick child needing heart transplant." Said Garfield proudly as he held the heart.
I mean that.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Tue Mar 19, 2013 2:10 pm

Are we all reading the same thing here? Is this is what it's like to be on drugs? Shit, I can't stop laughing at the crazy. It's...indescribable.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Tue Mar 19, 2013 2:29 pm

I'm with you, Kakashi. This is the kind of troll you can't help but love.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Tue Mar 19, 2013 4:02 pm

This is the kind of badfic they just don't write anymore. It's just so over the top crazy, it's hilarious.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Tue Mar 19, 2013 4:55 pm

Exactly. My parodies come nowhere near this level of crazy.
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Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 28

PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:38 pm

This fic is quite beautiful, though knowing that this "Garfield" has a nice red car, I'll be disappointed if he never rode on the hood of his car, similarly to this:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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Join date : 2012-10-15

PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Tue Mar 19, 2013 9:03 pm

I don't remember if he does, but Garfield does bang the queen of England. That's how crazy this dude is.
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Join date : 2010-05-20

PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Tue Mar 19, 2013 9:13 pm

The Queen of England and every other attractive woman he comes across (including but not limited to Kate Middleton, Pippa Middleton, Sarah Ferguson, and Natalie Portman). Honestly, when reading this I was surprised he turned Hermione down. Clearly ShakespeareHemingway just hadn't quite gotten into the swing of things yet Smile . Honestly, next to the three ToplessRobot snarked, this was practically sensible.

And yes, these stories are in no way good, but at the same time there's something almost... glorious about them- even though they're almost certainly the work of a troll (or else someone who sustained a severe head injury and then watched marathons of Garfield and Friends, Dragonball Z, and the James Bond film canon nonstop while recovering) they're pretty much that pinnacle of badfic that you find yourself loving in spite of yourself, as opposed to the merely stupid (most Suefics) or the absolutely horrifying (Hogwarts Exposed, Celebrian, etc.). The snark practically writes itself!

Here's to you, ShakespeareHemingway, for surely no one else could show the world the true manhood of Garfield or describe so well the love of woman and cat as you. It really is a shame these stopped being written after "Royal Rescue: Part 2".
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Mikey Go WOOGA

Join date : 2009-06-16
Age : 28
Location : In desperate pursuit of lulz.

PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Tue Mar 19, 2013 11:42 pm



PS: Excellent thread

PPS: Fucking putz.
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Disco Stu

Join date : 2009-10-22
Age : 34

PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Wed Mar 20, 2013 2:10 am

Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Quote :
"I like my helicopters shaked not stirren." Said Garfield most cooley as he grabbed the helicopter and piledrived it into the ground.
This is the best fanfic ever written.
Quote :
"I will give this to the sick child needing heart transplant." Said Garfield proudly as he held the heart.
I mean that.

Imagining it in his bored monotone voice even

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Join date : 2011-08-18
Location : The Garden of England.

PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Wed Mar 20, 2013 5:34 am

Brilliant snark and terrible story! Garfield didn't really catch on much in the UK, but I do remember seeing some cartoons of the lazy, snarky cat.

This critter is more like Puss in Boots from Shrek on anphetamines. But the whole story carries so much positive energy and sheer WTFness that it's one of the most 'so bad it's good' stories I've read.
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Join date : 2010-05-20

PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Wed Mar 20, 2013 9:25 am

Quote :
Imagining it in his bored monotone voice even


Here is a link to a dramatic reading (with pictures!) of "Royal Rescue" (though the video is called "Royal Rumble" for some reason), one of the later fics that got featured on ToplessRobot: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] . It does indeed feature Garfield's voice done in his usual bored monotone, and it is wonderful, especially since the guys doing the reading have to stop and crack up every so often.
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Join date : 2011-01-22

PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Wed Mar 20, 2013 7:38 pm

So I should imagine Garfield as being voiced by Lorenzo Music?
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Join date : 2010-05-20

PostSubject: Re: Garfield: Maximum Speed   Sat Mar 23, 2013 8:34 pm

^ For maximum comedy value, everybody should be imagined as their original actor/VA.
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