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 Garfield: First Blood

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MasterGhandalf



Join date : 2010-05-20

PostSubject: Garfield: First Blood   Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:44 pm



Since my thread about Garfield: Maximum Speed seemed to go over pretty well, here I bring you an entirely different ShakespeareHemmingway Garfield adventure. Note- this isn’t “Garfield: King of Liberty”, which I was planning to do next, because that one is just so, ah, special it deserves to be built up to. Nor does this have anything whatsoever to do with Rambo, beyond possibly mistaking Garfield for him. In true ShakespeareHemmingway tradition, it’s pure nonsense, but oddly glorious nonsense nonetheless. I give you:

Garfield: First Blood [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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A tale of adventure, passion and romances!

If you say so, ShakespeareHemmingway, if you say so.

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It was a sunny day when Garfield was practicing Tai Chi on the roof top to harness his inner strength when he heard panic.

Oh, good. We seem to be getting to the OOCness and insanity right off the bat this time.

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"Garfield there is panic!" Said Jon Arbuckle.

"Stop behaving like woman, Jon Arbuckle, what is the matter?" Scolded Garfield as he put on his members only jacket.

“Members only”? Dare I ask members of what?

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"Natalie Portman has been kidnapped you must come to the rescue!" Said Jon Arbuckle with bone chilled eyes.

Because when a famous actress is kidnapped, of course the best person to save her would be Garfield the cat, and not the police or any other law-enforcement agency. That just goes without saying.

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"WHAT.?!" Said Garfield as he bolted down the stairs with speed of a buffalo hoard.

Garfield switched on the tv showing Natalie Portman taken captive by vampire gangsters.

Vampire… gangsters. And how, pray tell, does one tell vampire gangsters from regular gangsters at a glance? Or are these ugly Orlok-type vampires? Or is Garfield just that awesome?

This is ShapespeareHemmingway. It’s the latter.

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"Help Garfield, I am being taken captive by vampire gangsters!" Cried Natalie Portman in hysterically.

Natalie Portman seems to have a firm grasp of the obvious here.

… do she and Garfield have a history or something? Why call for *him* of all people… err, animals?

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"HAHA Garfield!, We demand the blood Bank of USA give us 600 million gallons of blood, all in one hundred dollar bills or else we will be making evening breakfast out of Natalie Portman!" Said the head Vampire Gangster with menace.

Am I the only one here who thinks the head vampire hasn’t really thought this one out? I mean, thinking Garfield has any authority over blood banks is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this plan’s problems…

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"The only deposit being made will be yours!" Said Garfield with triumph, while shooting the tv in anger with his Desert Eagle.

Which he just happens to have.

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"Garfield what will you do?" Asked John Arbuckle with audacity.

Jon’s audacity distracted him from the fact that his name had gained an extra “h” while he wasn’t paying attention.

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"A man must do what he must do I will rescue Natalie Portman with these hands." Said Garfield fist clenched with justice.

So much justice that he forgot he had *paws*, apparently.

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Garfield strutted to his closet where he took his steak firing machine gun. He then hopped into his ALL AMERICAN four wheeled pick up truck.

Steak?

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"Garfield let me come with you" said John Arbuckle with intent.

"No you must stay, if I do not return in 24 hours call Tiger Woods." (Timely Joke)

… because a famous golfer is any use at all against freaking vampire gangsters?

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"That was a timely joke Garfield." Said John Arbuckle, getting his joke.

… huh?

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Garfield than drove off into the thickness of summer night, determined to deliver justice through personal delivery.

When driving, Garfield turned on the radio for inspirational music.

"Here is inspirational music for Garfield so that he may save the day again." Said the DJ.

If your listening to this and you don’t happen to be Garfield, you’re out of luck.

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The DJ started playing heart thumping rocking music to pump Garfield up.

"This is the beat to my groove." Said Garfield as he let himself get pumped.

As Garfield drove he saw a kid taking drugs and ruining his life. Garfield was enraged by the waste of the youth and ran him over with his pickup truck.

Because we all know that running people over is the best way to keep them from ruining their life!

… wait…

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"Drugs are for dopes go back to education!" Said Garfield.

"Yes you are right Garfield." Said the kid who stopped doing drugs and went back to school for degrees.

And the kid is apparently now a zombie… which, admittedly, will make it easier to stay off the drugs…

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Garfield than arrived at the vampire warehouse where the vampire gangsters held their Natalie Portman. Garfield notices there was a vampire gangster guarding the entrance.

"Oh, no its Garfield I must make alarm!" Said the vampire gangster.

"The only alarm you will be making is in hell!" Said Garfield as he shot the vampire gangster in the chest with his Desert Eagle.

"HA Garfield! Vampires can only be killed with steaks and suns!" Said the vampire gangster.

"Fool my bullets are made of suns." Said Garfield with astrophysics.

I… I thought they were made of steaks?

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"Oh no I am dead!" Said the stupid vampire gangster as he burned away.

Garfield lit a cigarette on the burning vampire and continued his mission. During exploration, Garfield encountered two other vampire gangsters guarding a room.

"Here is a prime rib meal ready for serving!" Quipped Garfield as he shot the vampire gangsters to their deaths with his steak gun.

Behold Garfield’s amazing transmogrifying bullets! I’d thought “steak” was a legitimate typo, but it appears that actually *is* how you kill a vampire in ShakespeareHemmingway ‘verse. That’s… really something else.

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Garfield than bursted into the room seeing the Natalie Portman captured with the menacing vampire gangster leader her at her side.

"Haha Garfield you have entered a trap! Look around you are surrounded!" Said the Vampire Gangster leader.

Garfield looked around him seeing vampire gangsters all around, closing in, when Garfield heard a familiar voice.

"AMAKOOOO"

John Arbuckle crashed in from the ceiling with his two golden revolvers daftly firing all around at the vampire gangsters.

But do Jon’s revolvers fire steaks or suns? I CANNOT GO ON UNTIL I KNOW THE ANSWER!

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"Thank you for my back up John Arbuckle, I was in a pit of danger" Said Garfield with sternness.

"No problem, you have gotten me out of more jam than I can remember." Said John Arbuckle.

"The jig is up Vampire Gangster, time to face the face of justice." Said Garfield with justice coming out of his eyes and ears.

If you have *anything* coming out of your eyes and ears at the same time, you probably want to get that looked at.

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"Oh no Garfield I have a terrible secret to unveil!" Said the vampire gangster as he ripped off his face to reveal that he was really Odie!

Odie, the lovably dim-witted dog, is now a vampire gangster and the Big Bad. Either my brain has just broken beyond repair, or my empty life now has meaning again. I’m not sure I want to know which.

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"Odie how could you." Said John Arbuckle.

"After all the adventure and bonding we shared you have fallen into criminality?" Said Garfield with disappointment.

Yeah, after all the times I kicked you off the table, or stole your food, or all those pranks I played on you- I just can’t imagine why you’d possibly want revenge on me.

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"Yes Garfield I am tired of you having all the glory and women. No more this time the glory and women will be my own!" Said Odie with bitter triumph.

"Odie I thought you were a man but you are just a mutt." Said Garfield with sadness in his heart.

"You do not have the heart to kill me Garfield so say your good byes to your precious Natalie Portman!" Leered Odie with evil.

"You are forgetting one thing Odie, you may have drawn first blood, but I always draw last." Said Garfield with cool style as he shot Odie with his Desert Eagle.

"NOOOO" Said Odie as he staggered and fell out of the window into acid.

Why is there acid outside the window? Why would a vampire hideout have windows at all? And… and why do I even care anymore?

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Garfield went to the tied up Natalie Portman and freed her swiftly.

"Thank you Garfield I am forever in debt." Said Natalie Portman with love to Garfield.

"No problem babe I liked you in Space Balls, now lets dance a sexy tango." Said Garfield.

But… she wasn’t even *in* Spaceballs…

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"Thank you for complimenting my acting." Said Natalie Portman with gratitude.

So after Garfields gracious compliments they both danced a sexy tango and got all tens.

"Wow Garfield you are great dancer are you doing anything tonight?" Said Natalie Portman.

"I am now, I will take to four stars restaurant called Olive Garden it has food of one of a kind taste." Said Garfield with class.

One of a kind? Olive Garden’s a chain. Guess Jon just couldn’t bring himself to break the news to Garfield about that.

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"That sounds delicious and romantic." Said Natalie Portman with romance on her mind.

With these words Garfield and Natalie Portman rode to Olive Garden on a black stallion with wind flowing through their hair.

It’s a mark of ShakespeareHemmingway’s er… skill that not only is this one of his more normal endings, I’m not even bothering to wonder where they got the stallion.

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The End??

Authors Note: If Natalie Portman is reading this and would like to date me that would be ok.

Well, that’s not creepy or anything.

Anyway, this is a oneshot, so it is indeed the end of this story- but ShakespeareHemmingway himself was only just getting started. Just think- it only gets more absurd from here.
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Disco Stu
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: First Blood   Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:46 pm

But if he's gonna go on about how Olive Garden's one of a kind, in his sarcastic monotone Garfield voice it makes sense

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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: First Blood   Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:34 pm

Jon Arbuckle is my favorite character.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: First Blood   Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:52 pm

More and more, I love, love this troll. And it really does add to the hilarity if you have Garfield voiced by Lorenzo Music.
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: First Blood   Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:05 pm

Sorry to rain on your parade but it's quite obvious that most of the absurdities you point out were intentional.. You're explaining all the jokes. Razz

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Authors Note: If Natalie Portman is reading this and would like to date me that would be ok.
I laughed hard.
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MasterGhandalf



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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: First Blood   Thu Mar 28, 2013 9:10 pm

Oh, I'm fully aware the absurdity is intentional (or at least, I fervently hope it is). But, it's bad form to post a fic without snarking it, so snark it I will (though really, these are probably best experienced as dramatic readings, which so far as I'm aware exist only for Royal Rescue, sadly). And hey, My Immortal, Becoming Female, and the collected works of ComicsNix are almost certainly trolls as well and have been snarked on this very site (My Immortal's practically been snarked by everyone and their dog)- ShakespeareHemmingway's as ridiculous as any of them (well, maybe not ComicsNix) and a whole lot more fun.
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Disco Stu
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: First Blood   Thu Mar 28, 2013 9:23 pm

Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Jon Arbuckle is my favorite character.

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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: Garfield: First Blood   Fri Mar 29, 2013 9:57 am

Hahaha burn. Damn Stu.
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